words in movies
(Ursula Buffay, Phoebes identical twin sister, is waiting on tables in her inimitable manner.)
Chandler: All right, now look at her and tell me she doesnt look exactly like her sister.
Phoebe: (Her face dropping) Oh, really.
Phoebe: Its mostly just dumb sister stuff, you know, I mean, like, everyone always thought of her as the pretty one, you know... Oh, oh, she was the first one to start walking, even though I did it... later that same day. But, to my parents, by then it was like "yeah, right, well what else is new?"
(The teacher smiles, but her eyebrows go up. Susan and Carol pat each other affectionately.)
Ross: Although I was married to her.
Chandler: Oh, okay. Send her in.
(Nina beams flirtatiously at Chandler, who catches her drift, but for once hes lost for something to say – so she nods her head to tell him that hes thinking correctly...)
Chandler: (Looking down at her hand) Yes, yes I am. Err, listen, the reason that I called you in here today was, err... please dont hate me.
Nina: (Taking her hand away) What?
(Jamie Buchman and Fran Devanow enter the coffee house. They look about them as Jamie removes her coat and scarf.)
Fran: Im gonna wait till after we order. Its her, right.
Jamie: It looks like her.
Jamie: (Without moving her lips) Your turn.
Jamie: Definitely her.
Phoebe: Ooh, my first birthday present... (delightedly examining the cardigan in her lap) ..oh, this is really...
Rachel: Are you seein her again tonight?
Joey: I dont know. I like her, you know. Shes different. Theres uh, somethin about her.
Phoebe: That you like, (snappily confronting Joey over the heads of the knitting circle) we get it. You like her. Great!
Chandler: Yes, yes she is. Didnt I memo you on this? See, after I let her go, err, I got a call from her psychiatrist, Dr. Flanen-nen, Dr. Flanen, Dr. Flan.
Chandler: Oh, no, no. Nina... (miming fairies twinkling around his head) ..she is whooo wewee-woo whoo whoo! In fact, if you asked her right now, she would have no recollection of being fired at all, none at all.
Chandler: And yet, believable. So I decided not to fire her again until I can be assured that she will be no threat to herself, or others.
[Scene: Lamaze class, Ross is again on the floor, cradled in Susans lap, but now Carol is cradled in his lap, and she has a pretend baby, on her lap. The teacher is showing her class a video, which is about to end.]
[Scene 13: Central Perk, the gang is gathered around Monica comforting her brother, who in a slight state of shock is cuddling a cushion for security.]
(Phoebe buttons her lip, while the rest of the gang pretend theyre not there.)
Helen: (Over the intercom) So you still want me to send her psychological profile to Personnel?
(Nina puts her hands on her hips, then gives Chandler a quizzical look.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachels, Ross, Rachel, Chandler, and Phoebe are sharing a bowl of popcorn, while Monica carefully reads the instruction manual for her television set.]
Chandler: Well, I ended up telling her everything.
Chandler: Pretty well. Except for the stapler thing. (He holds up a bandaged hand.) Little tip: if youre ever in a similar situation, never ever leave your hand... (he mimes Nina taking her revenge) ..on the desk.
(Monica points the remote at her TV, and punches out a key combination from the book, but the dreaded SAP logo remains and Spanish still comes forth.)
Rachel: Okay, Pheebs, can I ask? So, hes going out with her. I mean, is it really so terrible?
Phoebe: Um, yeah. Look, I mean, Im not saying shes like evil or anything. She just, you know, shes always breaking my stuff. When I was eight, and I wouldnt let her have my Judy Jetson thermos, so she threw it under the bus. And then, oh, and then there was Randy Brown, who was like... Have you ever had a boyfriend who was like your best friend?
Phoebe: But hes falling in love with her.
(Phoebe gets up and walks across the hallway, but the door to Chandler and Joeys apartment is shut. She knocks, and anxiously waits for Joey to come, but instead her identical twin sister emerges wearing one of Joeys shirts.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's Balcony, Rachel is taking down the Christmas lights. Monica sees her, so she leans out of the small side window.]
(Rachel slips, loses her balance, and falls over the edge..)
(In the apartment below, Mr.Heckles is trying to relax and read his newspaper, but Rachel is helplessly dangling upside-down with her ankle wrapped up in the Christmas lights.)
Ross: (in his head) Say something clever! (Pause.) Okay, doesnt have to be clever, it just has to be words. Say some words. (Pause) Any words will do. (Pause) Oh my God! This is the longest that anyone has not talked ever! (Pause) There is nothing you can say to make this worse!! So just say something!! (Pause.) (To her) I-I, I uh havent had sex in a very long time. (She leaves.) (In his head) Yeah, you really shouldnt have said anything.
Rachel: Well... well, what did you do to make her laugh? (excited)
[Scene: A Street, Rachel is throwing her coat into the Porsche and getting in.]
Ross: (interrupting her) Lift!! And slide!
(The casting director shakes her head.)
Man: (stopping her) Wait a minute!
Monica: Now there you go! I wouldnt want my best guest to strain her eyes!
Chandler: I was not staring at her. Okay? I was just listening intently. Its called being a good conversationalist. Watch. (Stares at Monicas eyes.) Say something.
Ross: Please don't take her away from me!
Joey: I hate this woman!! I hate her! She told everyone in the company about that info-mercial, and now they all keep asking me to open their drinks. Okay, and whenever I cant do it, theyre all like-like laughing at me.
Joey: Hey Pheebs! (He sits down next to her.)
Rachel: (checking her watch) Op! We gotta go! (The girls stand up.)
Phoebe: Oh, youre such a gentleman. (Grabs his arm.) Come on! Were going to my place! (Drags him off to her place.)
Phoebe: Umm, not without you, lover. (She slowly walks over to him and is showcasing her bra.) So, this is my bra.
(Monica and her parents walk up.)
(Chandlers Mom enters and Chandler meets her by the door.)
Mrs. Geller: (shaking her hand) Its lovely to meet you.
[Scene: In front of Macys, Phoebe is collecting donations and ringing her bell.]
Phoebe: (To Chandler) Check it out! Cup hat! (Points to her hat.) Cup banner! Cup chandelier! And the thing that started it all, the cup! (Holds up one.)
Rachel: Yeah! (She puts on her coat and turns around and sees Ross is expecting her to help.) (Laughing.) Are you kiddin'?
Rachel: Okay! Okay wait! You listen to me! You listen to me! Since I have been waiting four women, thats four, one higher than the number of centimeters that I am dilated, have come and gone with their babies! Im next! Its my turn! Its only fair! And if you bring in one woman and she has her baby before me Im going to sue you! Not this hospital, Im going to sue you! And my husband (Points at Ross) hes a lawyer!
Phoebe: Or maybe he-he was writing to tell her that-that hes changed his name, yknow? Tell Monica Im sorry.
Monica: (looking at her hand) Yknow what shoes would look great with this ring? Diamond shoes! (Sees Chandler sitting on the bed.) Youre not getting dressed. (Chandler quietly folds over the comforter on the bed making a spot for her.)
Mr. Geller: Your mother just added him to her list.
Rachel: I know, I mean, why can't parents just stay parents? (She walks over near Chandler and his gaze stays very obviously on her chest) Why do they have to become people? Why do they have... (Notices Chandler) Why can't you stop staring at my breasts?
Ross: No, because she hasnt come home yet. And she hasnt been home all night! Shes obviously staying with that other guy, and Im the stupid moron who spent the whole night outside her apartment!
Phoebe: Shhh! Stop it! Stop it Rachel! You cant do this here! (She drags her into the bathroom.)
Rachel: All right, weve got to tell her hes gone. (Starts to leave.)
Ursula: Oh. No, no, he is so smart. He'll figure it out. (Offering to share her food) Do you want some chicken?
Chandler: Uh, Joey is gonna be right back. Right back! (Tries to pantomime it for her.) Meanwhile, let's-let's-let's talk about you. (Pause.) So, you're old and small.
Joey: I would sooner die in this hellhole then see her back with you!
(Monica enters wearing her wedding dress.)
(Ross just glares at her.)
[Scene: Outside of Elizabeths dormitory, Ross is exiting after breaking up with her and we can hear his thoughts.]
(Finally, Monica with her parents on her arms start down the aisle.)
Chandler: You look beautiful. Is this new? (Her dress.)
[Scene: Jen's apartment, Ross is picking her up for their date.]
Mr. Geller: I love you sweetheart. (He kisses her and they sit down.)
(She turns to get her vows from Rachel.)
Wendy: Huh? Really? -- Hm, that'd be so terrible? (She gets hold of Chandler's tie, slowly moving her hands upwards on the tie, getting closer and closer to him, seductive.)
Ross: Um.... no. See, I might've had feelings for her at one timenot any more. I justI...
(The camera zooms in on Rachel who has a very worried and frightened look on her face and she slowly takes a deep breath.)
Phoebe: Okay. All right. (Hands her the phone.) Good luck explaining all the calls to China.
Courtney: (laughing) I spit on her!
Joey: Pheebs! Check it out! Check it out! Check it out! Check it out! (Hands her one.)
Monica: Op, can I just tell you something? Very flattered but umm, Im engaged. (Points to her ring.)
French Phoebe: Gauze! Gauze! I need to get some gauze in here! Can I please get some gauze in here! (A shell explodes outside next to the tent and when the smoke clears, Phoebe still has her arm.) Whew! (Her arm falls off and starts pumping out blood.) This is getting ridiculous uh!
Chandler: Because youve only known her for six weeks! Okay, Ive got a carton of milk in my fridge Ive had a longer relationship with!
Ross: (he gets up and starts to run away from her) No! (in his escape attempt he crushes Chandlers sand castle) No!
Phoebe: Oh my God! So was she! And! Get this, okay? Your-your name is Earl, right? Her name was Pearl, P-Earl.
Chandler: By then, the cheesecake may have gone bad. We dont want her to come back to bad cheesecake.
Rachel: Oh my God, who is it?! (Phoebe rolls her eyes.)
Rachel: But honey he calls everybody by a nickname! Okay, look, I know, all right, just one dinner, please, just one night for me, please. I just want him to love you like I do. (Ross looks at her) All right, well not exactly like I do, but, but, if you do come to dinner, Ill love you like I do in that black thing that you like.
Woman: Oh hi, Im, Im Mona from her restaurant.
Mona: Really?! Well see? I never knew about her.
[Cut back inside to Joey giving a beautiful woman a tennis lesson by standing behind her.]
Rachel: Ugh! Look you guys, I'm really excited about this! Okay? I don't care what you think! I'm gonna go set up a little litter box for Mrs. Whiskerson. (They both glare at her.) Well, what am I gonna call her? Fluffy?!
Chandler: Well get rid of her, obsessive and shrill.
(The dry cleaner just stares at her and she retreats.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is saying good-bye to her boyfriend Jake at the door to Central Perk.]
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment, Phoebe is helping Joey rehearse for an audition. Phoebe is overacting her part.]
Joey: Uh, really good. Really good. Yeah, I should be ready to kill myself any day now. (Chandler returns with a bobby pin and hands it to Joey.) Wow, you sure found that quick. (He tries the pin in the lock.) I justI wish I didnt feel this way about Rachel anymore, yknow? I wish things could go back to normal. I mean, I love living with her and God, helping out with the baby is just amazing, but now I think I think Ross feels left out. Yknow? When I had to take Rachel to the hospital, the doctor thought I was the father. God You shouldve seen the look on Rosss face. (Pause) By the way, I have no idea what Im doing here. For all I know Im just locking it more. Oh hey, did you try opening it with a credit card?
Monica: Oh yeah, right. (Rolls her eyes.)
Phoebe: Oh, I thought this was your party and it turns out its a party for Howard. He's just the sweetest little man! (A guest walks up to her.)
Ross: Wh-haa-haa! Look what cha did! (Rachel has her hand over her mouth to keep from laughing.)
Chandler: That was her.
Rachel: Okay, um, I...(Phoebe walks into her room.) All right Phoebe look, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry. OK? I handled the situation horribly and I should not have lied to you.
Joey: Okay. (Hands her one.)
Mr. Geller: (filming this) Hey Chandler, you cant keep your hands off her for one second!
Phoebe: Its Joey! (Joey turns and looks at her and she mouths I love you to him.)
Tag: Oh. (He drops her hand.)
Monica: Excuse us! (then to Phoebe) Alright here's a question: Who was so worried about her restaurant being fancy that she made a big deal about her friend playing her music and feels really bad about it now? (raises her hand)
[Scene: Dr. Burke's office. Monica is there for her eye appointment.]
Chandler: Listen, this is totally getting out of hand! Okay? She wants me to put lotion on her!
Chandler: OH MY GAWD! I am so sorry sweetie, are you okay? You didnt tell her we were getting married, did you?
[Cut to Monica and Chandler's, Sick Monica is trying to entice Chandler to have sex with her.]
Ross: Oh well, I guess Ill catch up with her later.
Rachel: Oh my God, look-look hes taking off her clothes!
Chandler: (to Rachel) Uh, Rach... I think I have something that belongs to you. (shows her the cuffs)
Phoebe: Yeah okay... yeah, your mom... okay... She looks nice, I can talk to her.
Rachel: Hi. (He helps her up.) Umm, I think theres something that we really need to talk about.
Chandler: Oh, its not just that, I would be Englands most powerful weapon. Jet setting heartbreaker on her majestys secret service. A man who fears no one; with a license to kill. (Worried.) Would Monica let me wear this?
Dina: Well, at least Im not a murderer! (Jessica slaps her.)
Ross: Oh sure. (He sits on the apothecary table and touches her hand.)
Ross: (grabs her) Shh! Shh! Shh!
Ross: Look, is Rachel here? I really need to talk to her.
Joey: Well, what did you say to her?
Ross: I gotta go find her.
Joey: Oh. Maybe. But hey I know how I can find out. Were going to a New Years Eve party, right? So at midnight, I can kiss her. And if she kisses me back, great! Yknow? But if she says Dude, what the hell are you doing? I can say It wasnt me, it was New Years!
Phoebe: What if we don't find him somebody else? We'll just tell her the date's off, but we don't tell Ross, and he goes to the restaurant and gets stood up!
Joey: Yeah! You gotta tell a girl before you tape her. Such a rookie mistake.
Chandler: Here you go. (Shows her the number again.)
Joey: (sees hes watching Baywatch) Ohhh. (sees he still has the chick) Ahh! What are you doing?! I thought you were gonna take her back to the store today.
Frank Sr.: Y'know, I don't think I want the lipstick that much. (Gets up to leave.) But umm Oh, would you do me a favor? And umm, would you, would you give Lilly that, please? (Hands her a note.)
Joey: Yknow what? This is not fair to her. Lets just forget the tape!
[Sequence 2: Phoebe throws the ball, and its intercepted by Joey, who starts to run up field. Rachel jumps on his back in order to try and tackle him, but she doesnt slow him down. Monica and Phoebe then both grab her legs in order to stop Joey, who still manages to fight through the tackle and score the touchdown.]
Monica: (rolling her head from side to side) Joke. Joke. Blah! Blah! (Joey and Phoebe laugh.)
Joey: Well, maybe I can help. (he grabs her head passionately, closes his eyes and kisses... Ross in Rachel's dress! He realises it too late, and when he does, pushes Ross's/Rachel's head away)
(She lets her hair down and whips her hair around in Baywatch-esque slow motion with a Barry White song in the background. Chandler needless to say cant help but stare along with the rest of the male and lesbian population of North America.)
(Rachel clears her throat.)