words in movies
(Chandler and Joey enter from the vending machines carrying sodas.)
Joey: Hey! You made it!
Joey: Youre ready to have a baby? My boys all grown up!
Monica: Okay, just back off mister! Whoa. (Pause) Cause I am ready to have a baby. I just want Joey to be the father.
Joey: (voice all high and weird) What?! Are you crazy?!
Joey: God. Hes crazy! Why doesnt he want to be with Rachel?
Joey: I mean seriously, shes like the perfect woman. I mean I know she turned me down, but if she hadnt and wanted to be with me, I would take her in my arms and (Realizes everyone is staring.) I havent bummed you guys out like this in a while have I?
[Scene: The Vending Machines, Phoebe is buying a soda and Joey is shaking the candy machine.]
Joey: Come on you stupid machine! Come on!
Joey: (looking at her) No.
Joey: All right.
Joey: Hey I got one! I got one!
Joey: (standing behind her) Uh, you gotta press the button. (Does so.)
[Scene: Another Waiting Room, Phoebe and Joey are trying to find out where the guy with the broken leg is.]
Joey: (walks up) Uh, shes with me. (Introduces himself) Dr. Drake Remoray.
Joey: Remoray. Its Portuguese. We need that information; Im a doctor.
Joey: Damnit woman were losing precious time! Now do you want this mans blood on your head?
Joey: Hands! It is absolutely essential that you tell me what room the man my assistant described is staying in. Hes a patient of mine, Ive been treating him for years!
Joey: 816, thank you!
(Joey starts to leave, but stops.)
Joey: And what is his name?
Phoebe: (coming back for Joey) No! (Grabs Joey and drags him away.)
[Scene: Outside Room 816, Phoebe and Joey are approaching.]
Joey: Great! Go get him.
Joey: (looks in the window) Hes not really my type.
Joey: But you said he was this great guy!
Joey: You do attract some stinkers.
Joey: Hi! Im Dr. Drake Remoray and I have a few routine questions I need to ask you.
Joey: I know, but Im a neurologist. And just to be on the safe side, Dr. Wells wanted a more comprehensive overview of you status so he sent me.
Joey: That was a test. Good response. All right, full name.
Joey: Date of birth?
Joey: Age?
Joey: Im a doctor Cliff, not a mathematician.
Joey: Okay. And uh, are you married.
Joey: Oh really? So, 33 and still single, would you say you have commitment issues?
Joey: (checking the list) Yes.
Joey: Oh thats terrible. Im-Im really sorry.
Joey: Hmm. Do you sleep with women and never call them again?
Joey: Excellent! Excellent! And uh, finally, are you into any weird stuff yknow, sexually?
Joey: Oooh, wrong answer. (Exits.)
[Scene: Outside Room 816, Joey is briefing Phoebe on Cliff.]
Joey: Uh, well hes 33.
Joey: A widower.
Joey: He seemed like a stand up guy. Oh, and hes not into anything weird sexually.
Joey: (entering) Rachels having her baby!! (Phoebe turns and looks at him.) Which is of no interest to me, Im a neurologist.
Phoebe: Okay. Okay. IOkay umm this I-I sent my friend Joey in here to find out stuff about you. Umm yknow, if it helps you came off great. A lot better than Im coming off right now.
Joey: Fake? Excuse me? Hello? (Taps the TV screen.)
Joey: Uh, if I may? Umm-umm look, Cliff, you told me a lot of personal stuff about you, right? And maybe-maybe it would if-if would help if-if you knew some personal stuff about her. Uh, she was married to a gay ice dancer. Uh, she gave birth to her brothers triplets. Oh! Oh! Her-her twin sister used to do porn!
Phoebe: Uh Joey, were trying to dial down the crazy.
Joey: Right!
Joey: Me neither.
Joey: There she is!
Joey: (taking the baby) She looks so real! (The gang looks at him.) Yknow what I mean! Shes this whole tiny little person. She already has eyelashes and knees and uh-oh.
Joey: Oh no-no, no for I second there I counted six fingers, but one was from the other hand so were good.
Phoebe: Okay, my turn. My turn. (Joey hands her to Phoebe.) Oh! Youre so cute! Oh, I could squeeze your little head! (Pause) I wont.
Joey: Whats the matter now?
Joey: What was the other one Ross?
[Scene: The Delivery Room, Rachel is in bed as Joey enters.]
Joey: Hey. I just saw a woman breast feeding both of her twins at the same time; it is like a freak show up here. (Notices shes wiping her eyes.) Whats the matter?
Joey: What is it? Hey!
Joey: Rach come on, what?
Joey: What are you talking about alone? What about Ross?
Joey: Okay, how long was I watching that woman?
Joey: Yeah, I guess so.
Joey: Hey, listen to me, listen to me you are never ever gonna be alone. Okay? I promise thats not gonna happen.
Rachel: Joey. Honey what would I do without you?
Joey: You dont have to worry about that okay?
Joey: Sure.
(He moves Rosss coat to get the tissues and the engagement ring box Mrs. Geller gave him falls out of the pocket it was inside. Joey goes to one knee, picks up the box, opens it, and sees that its an engagement ring.)
Joey: My God.
Rachel: Joey.
(Joey is stunned.)
Joey: Well youre not selling the story! Its like; its like you dont believe it! Look, I gotta go. I got a date, but try this. Do what I do when Im preparing for an audition. Okay? Ill set you up with my video camera and you can record yourself and-and see what youre doing wrong.
(Phoebe gets up and walks across the hallway, but the door to Chandler and Joeys apartment is shut. She knocks, and anxiously waits for Joey to come, but instead her identical twin sister emerges wearing one of Joeys shirts.)
Joey: Now, see, I don't believe any of that. I think once you're dead, you're dead! You're gone! You're worm food! (realises his tactlessness) ...So Chandler looks gay, huh?
Joey: No, no, no. My hugs are reserved for people STAYING IN AMERICA.
Joey: (entering from the elevator caring gifts for the kids) Hey, you guys! Look what I found in the giiiiiiift shop. (He doubles over in pain in front an old man in a wheel chair.) Get up! Get up! Get up! (The old man waves him away.)
Phoebe: They give you away! Theres just-theres just too much wisdom in there. (Joey nods in agreement.) Just put some tea bags on there for like 15 minutes.
Joey: No, no, no! (Starts looking around the room, terrified) Don't drop by, don't drop by!
Monica: Were gonna pick up the wedding dress then were gonna have lunch with mom. (Joey stands up.)
[Scene: Joey's apartment. Joey and Chandler are still trying to get the birds out of the foosball-table.]
Joey: Hey! How come my plate's less fancy then everyone else's? Do you not trust me with a fancy plate?
[Scene: Joey is back at Hayleys apartment.]
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica is alone as Ross, Rachel, Chandler, and Joey enter dejectedly in softball gear.]
Joey: Easy there Captain Kirk. Oh, do you have a bobby pin?
Joey: What? Are you referring to my man's bag? At first, I thought it just looked good, but it's practical too. Check it out! It's got compartments for all your stuff! Your wallet! Your keys! Your address book!
Rachel: Well, do you want to hear what actually happened or Joeys lewd version?
JOEY: But I was Dr. Drake Remoray. How can I go from bein' a neurosurgeon to drivin' a cab?
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is complaining about going to the clinic.]
Joey: Dont worry! Dont worry. I just told him, very nicely, "You dont go buying peoples babies, so back off!!"
CHANDLER: Joey just called.� He's got courtside Knicks tickets for him and me tomorrow night.
Joey: No, we didnt even pay our cable billmaybe this is how they punish us.
Joey: I thought we talked about this. I dont like pulp. No pulp. Pulp isnt juice. All juice, okay?
Joey: That's some gentle comedy, dude. (he and Ross leave)
Joey: Whoa! And the... (gestures with hands) huh-huh?
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is giving Rachel, Chandler, Phoebe, and Ross their bills.]
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment. Joey, Chandler, Monica and the twins are there. Everything has been put into boxes.]
Janice: Oh hi! Well, I guess that's two out of three, Joey. (Laughs and exits.)
Joey: (contemplates for a few moments what Rachel just said) NAH! I don't have another level!!
(Joey is sitting in an armchair and wearing a diving mask. He pulls out a grape from a bunch of fake grapes on the coffee table, puts it on the snorkel's breathing tube and blows it out, then giggles to himself)
Paul: Sure you did! You came in, you got all awkward, and you ran into the bedroom. You were shouting, "Joey! Joey!" Bye Rach. (Kisses her.)
Joey: Yeah, try sticking it in the freezer for 20 minutes. (They all look around and then back at Joey.) Im tellin ya!
(Joey visibly thinks 'Of course!' and writes it down.)
JOEY: Shh, OK, here I come, here I come. See I'm comin' to fix the copier, I can't get to the copier, I'm thinkin' what do I do, what do I do. . . so I just watch 'em have sex. And then I say, wait, here's my line, [Joey from TV] you know that's bad fo r the paper tray.
Joey: Wha? Wha..aa? Let me get the father. Hey, we need a father over here! We need a father!
Joey: Ok, you know what blows my mind? Women can see breasts any time they want. You just look down and there they are. How you get any work done is beyond me.
[Scene: Central Perk, all but Chandler are there, Joey laughs for no apparent reason.]
Monica: Okay, Mike and Joey, get in position. Chandler, come with me. (they walk off, Ross looks down to Chappy, who he's holding and he gets a whiff of the dog's smell. He is clearly disgusted by it.)
Rachel: Thank you Joey. You know what? I'm not even sure I can have caffeine.
Joey: Im sure its a famous watering can, okay. But, come on and what is with the really hot stick in the bathroom?
Joey: Good for you. (jumps suddenly) Uh, quarters or rolls of quarters?
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is sitting on the couch as Joey enters strutting.]
Joey: GET THAT LEGLESS WITCH OUT OF HERE!
Joey: Y'know what? Make fun all you want. This is a great bag! Okay? And it's as handy as it is becoming. Now, just because you don't understand something, doesn't make it wrong. All right? So from now on you guys are gonna have to get used to the fact that Joey, (pats the bag) comes with a bag! (Exits.)
Joey: And-and-and-and-and-and, and were gonna be friends again!
Joey: Well, have-have you told him how you feel?
Joey: Wh? Monday, one day. Tuesday, two day. Wednesday, when huh what? Thurs(He gasps in horror.) Oh! (Runs out and Chandler just shakes his head. After a second Joey runs back in to grab a piece of pizza and runs back out.)
Joey and Ross: Oh, yeah. Yeah. Let her dangle.
Joey: Right!(he starts to ape her)"Oh my God, is this the men's room? Oh, I feel so foolish, have you always known you wanted to be an actor?" (he inclines his head as if to look at a man's private parts)
Joey: Well, Estelle tried, you know. The casting director told her that I missed my chance.
Chandler: Oh, you should live with Joey, Roll-os everywhere.
Chandler: Hi. (Joey blows on a noisemaker.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Chandler are there as Phoebe enters carrying a drum.]
Joey: Yeah you see umm, well, I'm an actor. Right? So I gotta keep my emotions right at the surface y'know? See what I'm saying? I gotta lot of balls in the air. (Makes like he's juggling.) Y'know what I mean? It's tough! Guys like me, y'know, you wander around, you're alone
Joey: Pickle? Pickles make her sick. Giving her pickles is like giving me salad.
Joey: (looks at the time) Wow, hey, we'd better get going. If we don't leave right now, we'll be late for dinner.
(Joey walks in and sees Ross and Charlie kissing. He gives a faint, rueful smile, then he seems to recollect something and suddenly he moves back to Rachel's room. He knocks on her door and she opens)
Joey: Oh, hey, my pleasure. (he suddenly becomes very serious) So what are your intentions with my Phoebe?
Joey: Hey, wouldn't be cool if our duck and chick had a little baby? We could call it Chuck.
[Scene: The Theatre, Joey and Kate are rehearsing for the play.]
Gunther: Your muffins. (Sets down a huge plate of muffins in front of Joey.)
Monica: (hands the tape back to Joey, but doesnt let him grab it) Yknow maybe a little bit!
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment. Rachel and Monica are in there, and Phoebe enters]
[Scene: The Mr. Bowmont, is tied up alongside the pier; Joey and Rachel are relaxing.]
Joey: No man, that's huge! Now, I know I can stand to be around her, which means I get to hang out with you, which is kinda the whole point, anyway.
Joey: Well, what if they came in third in a modeling contest?
JOEY: I'm fine with it, I mean, if you're OK watching a video filled with two nippled people. [Chandler puts the tape in]
Joey: See, I actually can pour milk, but I got you believing that I couldnt. Now, see, thats acting.
JOEY: Or clowns. Oh, oh wait. That one's definitely Ben. Remember, he had that cute little mole by his mouth.
Joey: Well, I like it. Here you go. (He pays for the hat.)
Joey: Marcel, I'm hungry.
Joey: (grunting) Oh my How much do you weigh Ross?!
Joey: Oh, all blank, and no blank, makes blank a blank blank. Oh no-no-no, no, the end when Jack almost kills them all with that blank, but then at last second they get away. Aww!
Joey: Just now, after acting class. At first I thought she was doing some kind of scene, thats why I let people watch.
Joey: (In tremendous pain) All right. Good deal.
Joey: (To a co-worker) Hey, it's not the first time I lost a girl to a cowboy spraying cologne. (A customer walks by.) Bijan for men? (The customer ignores him, and Joey starts to chase him) Bijan for men?!
CHANDLER: Hear me out woman.� I'll go down the fire escape.� Then, I'll wait for a while.� Then, when I come up the stairs, it'll be just like I just got back from Tulsa.� Then, Joey and I will come in and see that there's no guy in here.
Joey: I-I think everybodys pretending they dont hear you. Anyway, look, I dont know about you and your jackets and your separate tables, but Ross is one of my best friends, and if I save him a seat, Im telling you, he will sit in it! (Ross enters and goes over to the white table) Ross! Ross! Over here, man! I-I saved you seat.
Joey: Fine! Do you take Vasa or Mustercard? (He's holding the fake credit cards that come with the bag.)
Joey: Yeah, shes been in there all day (Points to her room), uh high fever, a nose problem Phlegm! Phlegm! Phlegm-phlegm-phlegm!
Joey: (voice-over) ...and he couldnt let it go, and... I dont really know what happened with that either.
Joey: The ones that got me the Porsche! Will you keep up! (Chandler wipes his forehead with a baby wipe, that might have been used. He drops it disgustedly.) But I figured, if-if people keep seeing me just standing there, theyre gonna start to think that I dont own it. So I figured Ill wash it. Right? Monica, you got a bucket and some soap I can borrow?
(Chandler leans back against the wall and Ross and Joey hear him. Ross and Joey both notice at the same time. They slowly stop, and then very slowly turn around to see Chandler staring at them.)
Joey: (to Ross) Hey! Here's the birthday boy! Ross, check it out: hockey tickets, Rangers-Penguins, tonight at the Garden, and we're taking you.
Joey: Its all London, baby! Here we go. (He takes a picture of a less than enthused Chandler and starts towards the girls apartment.)
CHANDLER: (hushed) No, no, no, no, no.� Joey can't know that I'm here.
Ross: I thought I heard voices! Hi Charlie! (Kisses her.) Hi Joey. (Hugs him.) And.. Oh! You're gonna have to introduce me to your new girlfriend. (Laughs.) I'm just kidding, I know Rachel, I know. (He squeezes her hand.) Come, please come in. Come in.
Joey: Ross. I was thinking we could just go down the fire escape. (Points it out.)
Joey: Right! And when is that due?
Joey: From now on, its gonna be Joey and Ross, best friends. (They shake hands.) Okay! Were gonna be the new Joey and Chandler.
Ross: Joey, I did not break this! Okay? (He opens the freezer and smells inside and recoils in disgust.) That has been broken for a while.
Joey: That was a great scene! And-and-and that slap looks so real! How do you do that?
Joey: All right, ladies and gentlemen, lets poke. (they start to advance the giant poking device) Steady. Steady. Okay, a little higher. Careful of the angle. Okay, okay, were approaching the window (as he says this the camera cuts to their view of Ugly Naked Guy, so that we actually see him!) Thread the needle. Thread the needle.
[Scene: Joey's co-star's apartment. Chandler and Joey are at the brunch.]
Joey: You are so the man! (motions him to come in, and he does) Now look, listen, listen, you got to be cool, cause my Grandma doesnt know about you two yet, and you do not want to tick her off. She was like the sixth person to spit on Mussolini's hanging body. Yeah.
Joey: You got to go on a ride along?!
Chandler: (excited) Guys, guys, I've got great news! Guess what Joey: Uh, ah, Monica's pregnant?! Monica: (shocked) Really? (She looks around, suddenly embarrassed) Let's get past the moment. Phoebe: What's your news? Chandler: Thank you. I got a job in advertising. (Everybody cheers) Monica: (hugging Chandler) Oh, honey, that's incredible! Phoebe: (inquisitive) Gosh, what's the pay like? (Everybody stares at her indignantly) Oh, come on people (defending) come on, now, if I don't know who makes the most, how do I know who I like the most! (She looks at Joey) Hey Joey! (Joey winks at her) Chandler: Actually, it pays nothing. It's an internship. Joey: Oh, that's cool. We have interns at 'Days Of Our Lives'. Chandler: Right. So, it'll be the same except less sex with you. (Joey nods) Ross: So, uh, what kinda stuff do you think they'll have you do there? Chandler: Well, it's a training program, but at the end, they hire the people they like. Phoebe: (enthusiastic) That's great. Chandler: Yeah, I mean, there's probably gonna be some ground work which will probably stink, you know, grown man getting people coffee is a little humiliating (At the same time, Gunther puts down a cup of coffee in front of Chandler) Chandler: (grinning awkwardly) Humiliating and noble! (Gunther shoots a nasty look at him while leaving) Ross: You know, if I didn't already have a job, I think, I would have been really good in advertising. Monica: Ross, you did not come up with "got milk?" Ross: Yes, I did, I did! (He turns to Joey, disappointed) I should have written it down!
Joey: All right!! Okay, it was like four years ago. Okay, Ginger and I had gone out a few times, and then this one weekend, we went up to her Dads cabin. Just me, her, and her annoying little dog Pepper. Well that night, I cooked this really romantic dinner....
[Scene: Back at the restaurant with Joey and Sarah. Joey is holding Sarah's hands]
Joey: Oh my God, Im sorry, Im being so rude. (Turns to Rachel.) Rachel, would like a soda or something? Because Chandler would run right out and get it.
Joey: Aww man! I cant believe I locked myself out again! (He knocks on the door.)
Joey: Are we talking about one of those big boats that carry cars that go like five miles an hour?