words in movies
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are hosting a New Year's party. So the place is crowded and in a shameless promotion for NBC they're watching Jay Leno's coverage of New Year's from Time Square.]
Joey: All right! Here we go! 1999! The year of Joey!
Joey: All right, I'll take care of it.
(They try to stop him, not sure of what he's planning. He ignores them and goes to talk to Ross.)
Chandler: That's good one too, Pheebs. Now all you have to do is find a planeload of people who's resolution is to plummet to their deaths.
Phoebe: Maybe your resolution is to not make fun of your friends, especially the ones who may soon be flying you to Europe for free on their own plane.
Monica: She has a better chance of sprouting wings and flying up your nose than you do of not making fun of us.
Ross: In fact, I'll bet you 50 bucks that you can't go the whole year without making fun of us. Eh, y'know what, better yet? A week.
Joey: Well, y'know those special skills I have listed on my resume? I would love it would be great if one of those was true.
Joey: Nice!! Yeah! Is that part of your resolution, your new thing for today?
Ross: Yes it is. See. (Shows them the piece of paper she gave him with her name and phone number on it.)
Phoebe: Okay, lesson one: chords. Now, I don't know the actual names of the chords but umm, I-I-I made up names for the way my hand looks while I'm doing them. (She starts to show Joey the chords. Transcribers Note: For this one you'll have to use your imagination, 'cause it would take me 50 pages to describe each one. So if you want to see them, you'll have to wait for this episode to come to a TV near you.) (Holding up her hand and then reconfiguring her hand with each name.) So then, this is Bear Claw. Okay, umm, Turkey Leg and Old Lady. (Joey tries to imitate them.)
Joey: Hey, Pheebs! Check-check this out. (Holds up his hand in one of Phoebe's chords.)
Phoebe: Did you, did you touch any of the guitars while you were there? Did you?!
Chandler: That's not what I had in mind! See, people like Ross don't generally wear these types of pants. You see, they're very tight. (Motions to Ross's buttock.) Maybe there's something in that area.
(They all speak at once in general approval of his pants selection; Joey asks where he got them. I can't pick out the rest of it.)
Ross: Oh see, I-I needed a new thing for today and there's this leather store that always smells so good and I thought to myself, "Wow, (To Chandler) I never really owned a good smelling pair of pants before."
(Monica starts taking pictures of Ross and Ben, with the flash.)
Monica: No! To take more pictures of all of us together. I mean I really think it's the best resolution because everyone will enjoy the pictures.
Joey: Well, everyone will enjoy my music as well. (Does a chord and Monica starts taking pictures of him and Phoebe. They both start to strike a pose with the excessive amount of pictures that Monica takes.)
(He shifts on the couch and a ripping sound emanates from his lower regions, the sound reminds one of a brief explosion of gas. In other words, it sounds like he farted. She has a look of horrific wonderment, wondering "Did he just fart?")
[Cut to Elizabeth Hornswoggle's bathroom, Ross frantically pulls his shirt out and drops his pants. He exhales in sheer ecstasy as the coolness of the bathroom envelops his legs. He sits on the cast iron bathtub, again gasping in pleasure. He next grabs a magazine and starts to blow air on his exposed legs, but that doesn't work the way he wants it to. So he throws the magazine down, looks around for another idea, and finds one. He jumps up and hops to the sink. He turns on the water and starts to splash some on his legs, cooling them further.]
Phoebe: G-sharp? Have you been studying the real names of the chords? (Joey doesn't answer.) Have you? (He looks away in shame.) Oh my God!
Phoebe: Y'know none of my other student thought I was stupid.
Joey: (looking in the Yellow Pages) Look, maybe I need to try a real teacher! Right here! Here! Andy Cooper, he teaches guitar and look ooh, there's a nice picture of him with a little kid and THE KID'S GOT A GUITAR!!!!!! (Storms out.)
Phoebe: Fine! You go learn from your qualified instructor! But don't come crying to me when everyone's sick and tired of hearing you play Bad, Bad Leroy Brown!!
(Rachel looks shocked, gets over it, notices she's alone, and picks up the phone. The last part of which is something she shouldn't have done, because the phone is already in use. By Monica, and now Rachel can hear every word.)
Monica: (on phone) I can't wait to be with you! I'll sneak over as soon as Ross picks up Ben. I'll just tell Rachel I'm gonna be doing laundry for a couple of hours.
Ross: Powder! Yeah! Yeah, I have powder! (Grabs some of her shelf.)
Joey: Good-good, okay, sprinkle some of that on your legs, it'll absorb some of the moisture and then you can get your pants back up.
Ross: Yeah, okay, hold on! (He puts the phone down and proceeds to spread a large amount of powder on his legs and makes another attempt at pulling up his pants. It doesn't work, and without picking up the phone leans down to it.) (Almost in tears.) They're not coming on man.
Joey: Yeah, sure, spread some of that on there.
(Ross proceeds to apply copious amounts of the lotion on his legs. He literally starts spraying the back of his legs with the lotion, and as he applies some to his butt he makes a happy face like he enjoyed that sensation. After using about half the bottle he again tries to pull up his pants, but at the first sign of resistance, his hand slips off of the pants and hits him in the forehead.)
Joey: Well, I'm justif the paste matches the pants, you can make yourself a pair of paste pants and she won't know the difference!
Joey: I don't care, Rach! Look, I am tired of being the guy who knows all the secrets but can't tell anyone!
(Ross opens the door and steps into the living room. He has fully removed his pants and holds them wrapped into a ball in front of his crotch. His legs are covered in the powder and lotion paste. He looks terrible.)
Joey: Wow! Cool! (He takes the guitar, stands up, and goes to play a note. However, while strumming it, he knocks it out of his hands and it bounces off the table and lands on the floor. Phoebe just stares at the guitar.)
Ross: Look at me! (Chandler squeaks in an attempt not to make fun of him.)
Monica: Hey, hey, look. Look Ross, Ben drew a picture of you! (Shows him Ben's picture.) Huh? You're-you're a cowboy!
Ross: Oh, be-because of the leather pants.
Phoebe: Okay, I'm gonna go too. I'm gonna go to the airport. I figure if I hang around there long enough, someone's bound to leave one of those planes unattended.
Joey: Oh, no! (Starts that screaming thing again. Rachel stops him by pulling his fingers out of his ears.)
Rachel: All right, how about I go over there and I will walk into Chandler's bedroom and I will see that thing that I think that I know is actually the thing that I think that I know! (Note: Kudos to Ms. Aniston on the delivery of that line. She said it very quickly and didn't screw up a word. Try it yourself, it ain't that easy.)
Ross: Oh, umm, I'm just getting rid of a couple of things.
Joey: (running from his bedroom) Oh my God! I overslept! I was supposed to be on the set a half an hour ago! I gotta get out of here!
JOEY: It's my VISA bill. Envelope one of two. That can't be good.
Chandler: Where is she? Im not scared of you! (Averts his eyes and walks in.)
Chandler: Hey Rach, now that you're working at Ralph Lauren, can you bring me back some of those polo shirts?
Voice: What is the name of your roommate who is very, very sorry and would do anything (Joey realizes its Chandler and hangs up the phone in anger.)
Phoebe: Oh, its Ross on one of his drives!
Joey: Sure, its hard to forget! But that doesnt mean you have to talk about it! A lot of things happened on that trip that we should never, (to Chandler) ever talk about.
Rachel: Yeah, which, by the way Chandler, I would like back one of these days.
Chandler: (to a waiter) Oh thats great! Right there! Can we get some of that over here please? (The waiter comes over) There we go.
Monica: Whats with all this sand? (picking a handful of sand off of the floor, which is covered in sand)
Monica, Joey, and Phoebe: (singing) I'm on top of the world, looking down on creation and the only explanation I can find, is the wonders I've found ever since...
(She hits the jukebox Fonzy style, and Its That Time of Season starts to play, as they start to kiss.)
Ross: No. No, y'know you dont, you dont wear enough of this. (Rachel is shocked) What?
Rachel: Oh hey you. Thanks for coming out of me. (The baby cries.) I know. Oh. Yeah. Oh, shes looking at me. Hi! I know you.
Rachels Boss: Now Mr. Kaplan Sr. likes his coffee strong, so your gonna use two bags instead of one, see. Now pay attention, cause this parts tricky, see some people use filters just once.
Chandler: They dont really talk to us about that kind of stuff. I can get you some free white out though.
Chandler: Oh I do! Op, no, wait a minute, I took it out of my shirt when I put it on this morning.
Joey: No! I want an award I did win! But nobodys giving me any of those! PlusHey Rach, if-if I put it up there (Points to the TV) right? When people come over theyll see it and theyll think I won it.
Phoebe: No Chandler, they can swallow one of those little parts! And also, look at his smooth area, thats just gonna mess them up.
Phoebe: ...sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle;and away they all flew like the down of a thistle; but I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight, "Merry Christmas to all, and to all a goodnight!"
The Salesman: Do you ah, currently own a set of encyclopedias?
Chandler: Oh, dont worry about it I mean you probably were tired, you had a lot of champagne, it happens to everybody.
(Suddenly Rachel clears her throat and the camera cuts to the rest of the gang staring at them. Needless to say Joey and Ross are shocked and slowly turn their heads to see the gang.)
(They've made their way to the statue of the naked man that Chandler was leaning against earlier.)
Rachel: Well, because of us! Because of our history.
Ross: Yes, she is this new professor of my department that I did not kiss.
(There's a lot of yelling and screaming coming from the hallway, and they get up to look at what's the noise all about. In the hallway, Monica, Chandler, Joey and Phoebe are having another wind-up animal race, yelling and screaming fanatically.)
Phoebe: Yes, while I was in the chair! Thats why I take such good care of my teeth now, y'know, its not about oral hygiene, I floss to save lives!
Phoebe: Whoa!! Thatokay, thats a lot of pressure on me and my uterus. (to Dr. Zane) So, well okay, so is thereis maybe is there something that I can do yknow just to like help make sure I get pregnant?
Joey: Glass of fat?
Rachel: And so I had a lot of work to do so Ross, nice guy that he is, offered to help me out. And then we had a little wine, we got to talking, and the next thing you know out of nowhere Ross comes on to me.
ROSS: Hey, hey, woah, you want some of this, huh? You want a piece of this, huh? I'm standin here, huh.
Chandler: Why not? We could give each of them half a medallion, and then years later, they'll find each other and be reunited. I mean, that's a great day for everybody.
Joey: Oh my God! How many of these things did you have? These are pure vodka.
[Scene: The Waiting Room, the rest of the gang is lounging around.]
Phoebe: So umm, now do you have any of Matt Lauers clothes here? Maybe? Just ones that havent been cleaned yet?
Phoebe: Yeah, but at what cost? Six more months, three meals a day, Im gonna eat like, yknow millions of cows.
Krista: Oh, this is so good (A piece of cake.) you have got to try it. (She takes some on her finger and feeds it to Danny. Then takes a little more and does it again. Meanwhile, the rest of the gang stares on in shock. Then they pick up a part of it and some filling falls into his lap.)
Ross: Thats okay. Shes still in there enjoying her fake party and uh, its too late to do any of the things I had planned, so
Lauren: I know! I-Im a big fan of yours.
Mr. Treeger:: Oh yeah, of course you dont!
CHANDLER: Sweet mother of all that is good and pure.
Chandler: ....And then I just, you know, threw the bag of barley at her, and ran out of the store.
Monica: Im making a list of all the things that are most likely to go wrong at the wedding. Now, that way I can be prepared.
Monica: Well Id probably be scared of a guy using a fake voice.
[Scene: Chandler's office, Chandler looks around, opens his desk drawer, takes a puff of a cigarette, sprays around some air freshener, and takes some breath spray. He types for a little while, opens the drawer again, and takes another drag of the cigarette. While not paying attention, he sprays the breath spray around the room, takes a squirt of air freshener and gags.]
Monica: I know this is going to sound unbelievably selfish, but, were you planning on bringing up the whole baby/lesbian thing? Because I think it might take some of the heat off me.
Chandler: Because thats the only part of you he can see when hes on the table!
Joey: Oh okay, how about this one. I was gonna wait until the end of the night to kiss you, but youre so beautiful I dont think I can.
Chandler: (reading the back of the picture) Me and Frank and Phoebe, Graduation 1965.
Ross: Hey, yknow if you want to pick up some extra cash? Some friends of mine made good money doing telemarketing.
Phoebe: No, no-no, she was a human lady. This is the spirit of my Mom Lily, the one who killed herself.
Rachel: (to Monica) I mean is that woman capable of talking about anything else but sex?
Ross: (putting out the fire with a squeeze bottle of water) Okay, thats a fire. Oh yeah. Oh yeah.
Phoebe: Of course you can take a couple days off work because this trip includes me!
Rachel: (grabbing a beer out of the chairs fridge) I am so psyched I kept this chair for myself!
[Flashback to Monica and Chandlers apartment. Chandler has a bunch of people over in formal wear to give Monica a surprise birthday party. Joey is coming out of the bathroom and removing his tie.]
RACHEL: [holding a pillow made out of 4 inch red fur] Hey, nice pillow. So now tell me, is this genuine Muppet skin?
[Cut to a hospital room set on the Days of Our Lives stage. Two nurses are standing next to a bed with a man whose face is completely covered in bandages and reading his chart.]
Chandler: Well yknow, they only give you three letters, so after A-S-S it is a bit of a challenge.
Chandler: Oh, sweet Lord. New realms of pleasure!
Chandler: So, shouldnt we go give her the benefit of the doubt before we go snooping around her crotch?
Joey: Uh, yeah, okay. Except I sorta felt like I needed a couple of seconds to get ready.
Chandler: Hey, I didnt make up the rules. Now, after you receive the doubling bonus, you get uh, one card. Now that one card could be worth $100 bringing your total to 1,500. (Joey gets excited.) Dont get to excited because thats not gonna happen unless you getNo way! (He takes the top card, which is the two of clubs. Of course, any card wouldve won. Chandler pays him.)
Rachel: (proud of her self) I almost caught that one!
Ross: You do appear right on the cusp of something. Come on man, I'm sure he'll lose interest in a week or two, but for now can you please just do this for me?
Rachel: When?! After the birth of our first secret child?! (To All) Ross didnt get the annulment; we are still married.
Chandler: Yep! From now on its gonna be the four of you guys and me and the misses. The little woman. The wife. The old ball and chain.
Phoebe: Well my guy is spectacular. Okay? Hes a massage client and one time umm, when he was on the table, I looked at it. And I mean all of it.
ROSS: Come on up. I'm gonna get the rest of his stuff together. [walks in his room]
Monica: Oh, I asked one of the waitresses at work if she'd help me out.
Janice: Come on over the years none of you ever y'know, got drunk and stupid.
Monica: I got it! How about, if we win, they have to get rid of the rooster?
Ross: Did you get like a fresh batch of pregnancy hormones today?!
Rachel: Yeah I am, I am! Oh, but first of all, Monica, I would like to introduce you to my very talented colleage and more importantly my wonderful friend Gavin Mitchelle.
Monica: Um, and, well there's the.. the the small matter of...
Monica: Hey, don't say that! You got just as good a chance as anybody else of getting that job!
Phoebe: Well, I still think that it’s a stupid reason not to call someone again. You are calling her! And if you need to, just get an extra plate of fries for the table!
Dr. Green: So what's new with you, uh, knocked up any more of my daughters lately?
Ross: Okay, y'know what, lets just cut to the chase here. Okay? Heidi, which of my boys do you like?
Joey: What kind of smell?
Ross: If like the four of us could all yknow, hang out together. Uh, in fact Emilys coming into town this weekend, why dont you say we all have dinner? Say, Sunday night?
Rachel: Yes, I was 4 years old and I was on the swing and then all of a sudden my hair got tangled in the chain. And to get me out my mom had to-had to cut a big chunk of my hair! (crying) And it was uneven for weeks!
The Interviewer: So, according to your bio, youve done quite a bit of work before Days of Our Lives. Anything youre particularly proud of?
Mike: That's great. What kind of music do you play?
RACH: All right, you know what? This isn't funny anymore. There's something about me on that piece of paper and I want to see it.
(Ross reveals a bag of apples.)
Phoebe: (looking at the clock) Oh wow, three hours and still no baby. Ugh, the miracle of birth sure is a snooze fest.
Phoebe: Just for some short-term-work. You know, until I get back some of my massage clients.
Joey: Although some of that stuff wasn't where you said it was gonna be, but... (confidently) I made it work.
Rachel: Yeah, you know, was I looking forward to going to Paris? Sure. You know, was I excited about working in the fashion capital of the world? Ooh, absolutely... Oh...! Yeah, but you know, this is... it's fine. I'm fine going back to a job where I've pretty much gotten everything out of that I possibly can... (she sits down, and Ross who is stunned to hear all this follows her example)
Monica: Nononononono. Think who you're dealing with here. I mean, I'm not like you. I-I can't even stand in front of a tap class.
(And with that, television history is made as, for the first time ever, an entire show moves its entire production to an entirely different country to make a single episode. We get shots of Buckingham Palace, London Bridge, Big Ben, and the London Marriott as Joey and Chandler exit.)
Julio: Things that move me. The, the shadow of a tree, a child laughing, or this lip. (points to her lip)
JOEY: I got one. Which one of us do you think will be the last to get married? [They all look at Chandler]
ROSS: Uh, just a sec dad. [to himself] OK, be cool, just be cool. [walks down the stairs and grabs the flowers out of the vase on the endtable] OK dad.
Chandler: She was.... But y'know what, just in case, maybe we should come up with a set of ground rules.
Chandler: I know, that, (looks at her fake chest, and loses his train of thought, temporarily) that's why I don't want to go tonight, I'm afraid I'm going to say something stupid.
Ross: Yeah, y'know the ah, the girlfriend I told you about last night? (Hes frantically throwing the cushions off of the couch looking for her other shoe) Well it turns out she ah, she wants to get back together with me. Oh, I found it!!