words in movies
Ross: Hey, do you guys think that if all those things happened, wed still hang out?
{Transcribers note: This is where the opening credits are, but theyre not the usual opening credits. Oh no! These credits are based on the world that would have been created had all of the above actually happened. It starts out with all of them at the fountain sitting on the couch as Fat Monica runs up and sits on the arm of the couch, tilting the whole thing towards her. It then goes on to show Rachels still a shop-aholic and with Barry. Fat Monica is sweating while cooking and dancing while eating a donut. Phoebe as the Wall Street shark smoking while on two cell phones. Then theyre dancing in the fountain. Joey entering as Dr. Drake Remoray and meeting a groupie. Chandler trying to write as a bird does its business on his shoulder and falling asleep while typing. Ross doing some kara-tay and trying to get Carol into bed. And finally, some more dancing in the fountain, them all flexing, and the turning out the lamp and shutting off all the lights bit from the first season. Just remember one thing, this is an alternate universe. Everything from every other episode doesnt apply, for instance, Ross and Rachel have no history. And in fact have not seen each other in years in this world.}
Joey: So Monica, still going out with Dr. Boring huh?
Rachel: (still not quite able to look at him) Hi! I love you on that show! I watch you everyday! I mean, when you took out your own kidney to save your ex-wife even though she tired to kill you
Monica: Lets take a walk. (They start to leave.) Yknow maybe you should consider writing for Talking Out of Your Ass magazine! (They exit.)
[Scene: A hospital hallway, Chandler is sitting on a gurney with his hands spread out behind his back. Then Monica comes and plops down on the gurney and one of his hands. Chandler immediately recoils in extreme pain.]
Joey: Oh my God, Im sorry, Im being so rude. (Turns to Rachel.) Rachel, would like a soda or something? Because Chandler would run right out and get it.
Chandler: Its not all juice! (Rachel quickly gets out of the way.)
Monica: Wait a minute! (Quickly checks her pockets and pulls out ) My last Kit-Kat bar!
[Scene: The hospital, Ross and Monica are in Phoebes room. Phoebe is in the bathroom and Monica notices smoke coming out from underneath the door.]
Monica: Phoebe, why is smoke coming out of the bathroom?!
Monica: Phoebe! Put that cigarette out!
Phoebe: No! Its not a cigarette! The smoke is coming out of me!
Monica: Put it out!!
Phoebe: Okay! Okay! (Puts it out and comes out of the bathroom.) Im so glad youre here.
[Cut back to the TV, the cops are leading Dr. Wesley out, and as they pass Remoray and Wesley exchange evil glances.]
Phoebe: Well, Ive got to get out of this bed, Im going crazy here. Crazy!
Ross: Yknow, if, if this is too weird for you, we can still back out at (A knock on the door interrupts him.)
Monica: Absolutely! It would just be one friend (Points at Chandler) helping out another friend. (Points at herself.)
Monica: What if I turn out the lights? (Runs to shut them off.)
(She turns out the lights and in the darkened room Chandler starts to moan.)
[Scene: Joey's apartment, the next morning, Rachel is passed out on the couch.]
Joey: Wow! Uh okay, well uh (He gets up, opens a drawer, and pulls out the ring.)
Joey: Sure! As long as they dont find out you can keep whatever you want! And I want you to have it.
[Scene: Phoebes hospital room, Joey and Ross enter as Phoebe comes out of the bathroom wearing her robe.]
(She goes out into the hall and when shes there and the door is closed; she rips off her robe to reveal her work clothes.)
Monica: Hey, check me out, Im a slut!
Rachel: Let me uh, let me ask you something, do wedding vows mean squat to you people?! And why is it that the second we tell you were going out of town, bamn there you are in bed with the neighbors dog walker?!
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica is blowing out a candle as Chandler enters.]
Chandler: Yeah! When you were talking about Roger, that was killing me! Look, things like last night they dont just happen. Yknow? Or at least not to me. Or with the other two women, in the morning yknow I was just lying there and I couldnt wait to just go hang out with my friends, but with you I always yknow with a friend.
Chandler: I know you probably dont want to go out with me, yknow because I make too many jokes and Ive never been in a serious relationship and I guess Im not technically a "doctor "
Joanna: Oh great! Ill keep it in my butt with your nose. (She grabs the cookie and walks out.)
Ross: Chandler!!! Chandler!!! (He opens the door to the apartment but is stopped by the chain; Chandler and Monica quickly stop making out and try to get dressed.) Chandler, I saw what you were doing through the window! Chandler, I saw what you were doing to my sister! Now get out here!
Rachel: Yeah, it is. Yeah, you know, it's tough. Single mom, career... You gotta get out there.
Joey: (entering with Ross) Hey! You guys! Check it out, check it out! (Hes wearing a blue blazer) Guess which job I got.
Phoebe: Yes. Not out loud.
(Monica walks in, starts to go out on the balcony.)
Monica: Im not gonna go out with him.
Joey: So, were walking down the street and I turn to you and I say, Hey, lets go hang out at Totally Nude Nudes, remember? And then, and then, you turn to me and say, Nah, lets just hang out at your place. Well, that was a nice move dumb ass.
(He tries to move in front of the class, only goes out of control and rolls into the hall, catching himself on the doorway with his pointer. He then pulls himself back into the room with the pointer, only he jams one end of it between the door frame and the door and breaks the pointer in half.)
Monica: Heres your key. All right, you have to christen it! Now, go out and come back in!
Joey: It wasnt my ring! It fell out of Rosss jacket! And when I knelt down to pick it up Rachel thought I was proposing!
Monica: I really like to say that Im-um (Pause) Yknow what Id really like to say? Im drunk!! (Mrs. Geller pulls the camera down.) Thats right mom and dad your little Harmonica is hammered!! (Ross grabs the camera out of his dads hands.) And guess what! Ive been drunk before! And Ive smoked a cigarette! And I got a box of Ding-Dongs hidden in my underwear drawer! Its all okay. Its okay because I turned thirty today. And, and I can do anything I want! Because I am a grown up. (Falls over sideways with Ross filming the fall.)
Rachel: What do you think Monica mean when she said she didnt want to talk, especially with me? I mean, why not especially you and me? We were both out there kissing.
Phoebe: Not if nothing happens. Why can't... why can't we just hang out as friends?
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler and Joey are lamenting about how they kicked Ross out.]
[Rachel comes out of her apartment, followed by Mark, and they leave on their date, without saying a word to Ross. Ross is stunned.]
[Scene: The Hallway, Chandler and Ross are returning from working out.]
MONICA: Listen, um honey, I appreciate this but you don't have to keep hanging out with them for me, I mean, they have each other.
Monica: This switch thing has been driving me crazy. So I turned it off and checked every outlet. Now, four of them dont work. Which means, one of them has to be controlled by the switch. So, I plugged in things in all four of the outlets that-that make noise, so that way, when I turn it on I just follow the noise and find out which one it is.
Pete: Let me tell you a story. When I set out to create Moss 865, do you think it just happened overnight? No. There was Moss 1, that burnt down my Dads garage, there was Moss 2 that would only schedule appointments in January, and 862 others that I learned from, just like I learned from this fight, never to let a guy stand on my neck.
RACHEL: And then Jean-Claude took me to that place Crossroads and that's where we hung out with Drew Barrymore.
Joey: Oh. (realises) Ohh. Ohh, youre out of your mind.
(Kathy runs in, hair all out of place, and hugs Monica.)
Tag: Thank you. (Gets up and hurries out.)
Phoebe: Yeah, yeah, Im going to be out there spreading joy to the people. I mean, last year, I spread a little joy but not really enough. So this year, Im going to do the whole city.
Monica: Oh no, she's out having drinks with Carl.
EDDIE: I uh, I gotta tell you man, I mean, that's uh, it's kinda out of the blue, I mean don't you think?
Joey: Get out of here, really?!
Joey: Yeah. Sure. (They both half stand up, Joey pulls the neck of his sweater out, and Rachel looks down it to see his T-shirt.)
Phoebe: We were out of Doritos.
Ross: (he takes a baby blue beret out of a shopping box and puts it on) How does this look?
Rachel: Hey, how are those tapes working out for ya?
(They run to the bed, sit down, and start making out again.)
Monica: Okay ah, please dont freak out. Umm, but ah, theres a blue fingernail in one of the quiche cups, and theres no way to know which one.
Rachel: Well then youre going to have to take her out again.
Chandler: Well, I think you need to come out of your shell just a little.
Phoebe: All right. Did everyone get out okay?
Chandler: Let me tell you why you need to pick me. (Goes to sit on the couch facing backwards to the kitchen. Rachel gets a chair and sits opposite him) See, when I was a kid, I was always left out of everything, you know, and it really made me feel... insecure. You know, I was always picked last in gym. Even behind that big fat exchange student who didn't even know the rules to baseball. I mean, this guy would strike out and then run to third. Anyway, If I'm the only one left out of this wedding, I just know that all those feelings are gonna come rushing back.
RICHARD: Boy I would just uh, I would freak out.
Ross: No, four minutes ago you had a half hour, we have to be out the door at twenty to eight.
(The customer turns out to be )
Rachel: I got to figure out what Im going to wear.
PHOEBE: Monica, how did this happen? I thought you had this all planned out.
Rachel: Stop it! Cut it out! Cut it out!
Chandler: All right! I'm putting it out, I'm putting it out. (He drops it in Phoebe's coffee.)
Chandler: Ho-ho, so hard we had to throw out your underwear again?
Chandler: Well, I told you not to walk. Here. (Picks her up.) There. Okay. (He opens the door, carries her across the threshold, stops, backs out, and lets go of Monica who is only holding on by his neck.)
Chandler: Noo! (takes him out) Oh, its okay, its okay, baby, baby, baby.
Monica: You go back out there and you seduce her till she cracks!
Kathy: Yeah, they teamed us up as partners. Joey picked three scenes for us to do; all of them had us making out.
Ross: Oh, come here sweetie, listen, youre gonna go on like a thousand interviews before you get a job. (she glares at him) Thats not how that was supposed to come out.
Ross: Well y'know cause Rachel and I used to go out.
JOEY: [peeks back out] Ok, now that your coat is safely in the bedr-, [sees that the coast is clear] oh, ok we can come back out in the living room.
Joey: Hey, Pheebs! Check-check this out. (Holds up his hand in one of Phoebe's chords.)
Gym Employee: Okay, no problem. (To someone out of the picture) Could you come here for a second?
Ross: Wait, wait a minute, there's no light on the back wall! How do I know when it's gonna start? Hello? (he slowly turns and the spraying begins, on his face) Ah, oh, ah! (he turns, but then he turns again and is sprayed in the front again) Ah! (he spits and angrily goes out of the spray-on tan booth and the assistant enters the room) The same thing happened again!
Rachel: No-no-no! No-no-no! Please Ross, I cant! I cant do it! (Starts to freak out.) Its just gonna freak me out!!!
Rachel: Wow, this is so cool, you guys. The entire city is blacked out!
Chandler: I'm so sorry, but you should have a sign out there or something. Or at least whisper it to people when they come in the door. "Owen doesn't know he's adopted, and he also thinks that Santa is real."
Kate: What? So you never went out with an actress before?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, one week later. Monica is seated, Rachel comes out of her bedroom.]
Ross: Listen, if you ever have any problem with the ladies you know Ill help you out.
Ross: Hey! I just got uh, my teacher evaluations! Check out what this one student wrote, "I loved Dr. Gellers class. Mind blowing lectures! Dr. Geller, you are definitely the hottie of the paleontology department!"
Joey: Well, get ready to come out of the non-gay closet!
Chandler: Yknow that thing that Ross was gonna do at our wedding?! He was hanging out with me yesterday and he turned to me and said, "Youre half Scottish right?"
Phoebe: No, y'know what dont close it (Rachel slams the door shut locking themselves out.) cause the... keys...are in there.
Rachel: Wow, you know, it's so beautiful out there. You always wanted to get married outside. Why don't you guys just do it on the street?
Phoebe: Yeah! How would you like it if I sent you to Lee Majors house and told you that he liked you, and you went down there and you found out that he didnt like you? How would you feel?
PHOEBE: [handing him the papers] Here you go. You know what, I just have one more question, um, if you had figured this out sooner and um, I had been around, do you think that I would have been the one who. . . no, um, I'm sorry, don't tell me, I don't th ink either answer would make me feel better.
(They follow him and meet him in the hall coming out of his apartment carrying a sweater.)
Chandler: ...Well, y'know, part of me wants that, but it's like I'm two guys, y'know? I mean, one guy's going 'Shut up! This is great!' But there's this other guy. Actually it's the same guy that wells up every time that Grinch's heart grows three sizes and breaks that measuring device... And he's saying, y'know, 'This is too hard! Get out! Get out!'
Carol: No. But its okay, Ill just put out pickles or something.
Rachel: I mean y'know, I'm thinking. You could bring her, and you guys could go up to your old room, and not make out.
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica is trying to find out what Phoebe wont tell her.]
(Chandler busts out laughing and everyone just looks at him.)
Rachel: When the Louis Vuitton people found out that Ralph Lauren wanted me back, the offered me more money! Isn’t that great?
RACHEL: Ok, I've got one. [blows out the candles. Somebody calls out 'heads up' and the volleyball lands in the flan] Wow, those things almost never come true.
(Mike and Joey come out of Joey's room)
[Ross comes out of Rachel's bedroom in her bathrobe and heads for the bathroom. On his way back, Richard comes out of Monica's bedroom in her bathrobe.]
Ross: Yeah, uh... and then I figured after you win, we could all go out to the balcony and see a night rainbow with gremlins dancing on top of it!
Ross: Pheebs, I think shes great. Okay? Were going out again.
Chandler: Well, listen I ah, still have one more person to ah meet, but unless it turns out to be your sister, I think youre chances are pretty good. (Eric offers to shake hands) All right. (Chandler hugs him.)
Rachel: Phoebe, honey, if you hate it so much, you should walk out there right now and quit! Be true to what you believe in! Honey, you have principles and I so admire that! I don't have any!
Cashier: I notice you picked out a lot of our dinosaur items.
Joey: Check it out, hes winning! (to Monica) Petes winning!
Monica: Absolutely! (He goes to kiss her, but she stops him and rubs his head and says...) Now get out of here you!! (Pete leaves) (to the gang) Okay, Im running out of places I can touch him! Look, is there something wrong with me? I mean why am I only attracted to guys where theres no future? Either theyre too old, or theyre too young, and then theres Pete whos-whos crazy about me, and whos absolutely perfect for me, and theres like zip going on! I mean, seriously, does it sound like somethings wrong with me?!
RACHEL: Alright, just put your hands out and I'll back up into them.
Phoebe: Oh. (She goes to work, and her head slowly drops out of view.)
Chandler: Pulling flowers out it makes the bag look a lot more masculine.
Joey: Hey-hey, check out the hat!
Rachel: (worried and shocked) Yeah, sure Mr. Zelner, for you anythingminute. Okay. Fine. (To Tag) Abort the plan, abort the plan. (She start to usher Tag out.)
Phoebe: I wouldn't bring that up, it would probably just bum him out.
Joey: Fan out! Fan out!
[Scene: Outside the beach house, Ross is coming out to talk to Rachel.]
Rachel: What?! No! Im not gonna move out!
JOEY: I did. I thought it'd be great. I figured I'd have like, time alone with my thoughts but, ya know, it turns out I don't have as many thoughts as you'd think.
CHANDLER: I was looking forward to playing basketball, but I guess that's out the window.
Sandy: It's allright! Crying is good. It lets the boo-hoos out.
Phoebe: Why, do I have a feeling thats not as happy as it sounds? (Joey points out one going into the chipper to her, as this haunty, demonic music starts to play in the background) No! Nooooo!!! (she winces in horror and hides her face against Joeys shoulder, as she sees the tree spit out from the chipper.)
Joey: Thata girl! Huh? We should get out of here; theres a new class comin in.