words in movies
[Scene: The Hotel Lobby, Rachel and Phoebe are at the front desk checking out.]
Phoebe: Oh! Joey uh, were you in our room last night?
Joey: No. (Phoebe grabs the receipt and shows it to Joey who gets mad.) I was told the name of the movie would not appear on the bill!
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Phoebe is entering to see Monica sitting in front of a mound of wedding gifts.]
Phoebe: Hey!
Phoebe: Are you gonna open the presents without Chandler?
Phoebe: A little mirror that when you look into it you see yourself as an old woman.
Phoebe: Ohhh! My God! For tiny salt!
Phoebe: Oh yeah.
Phoebe: Okay.
Phoebe: Well I guess its okay to open one more if its part of a set. Yknow, its probably this one. (Grabs another small one.)
Monica: No! Joey and Ross dont know anything and Chandler still thinks that Phoebes pregnant.
Phoebe: Yeah thats right Chandler does still think Im pregnant. He hasnt asked me how Im feeling or offered to carry my bags. Boy, I feel bad for the woman who ends up with him. (Monica looks at her.) After you of course.
Phoebe: Ooh, is it someone in this building? Is it that tall guy from the first floor?
Phoebe: What?! I think hes cute.
Phoebe: Believe me Im trying.
Phoebe: Yeah. Youre just gonna knock on his door and change his life forever. Youre like Ed McMahon except without the big check, or the raw sexual magnetism.
Phoebe: Pretty big? Its huge! God, this guy doesnt have a clue! Hes just walking down the street thinking, I had sex with Rachel Green. I rock! then bam! Hes a father and everythings different.
Phoebe: Okay. Then he still has this huge decision to make. Now hes walking around thinking, Do I want to be a dad? and then bam!
Phoebe: I dont. He got he-he-he-hes hit by a bus.
Phoebe: Oh yeah. Thats me.
Phoebe: Yes. Yes I am. Oh my God, Im gonna have a baby! (Joey and Phoebe hug.)
Phoebe: You dont know him. Its not important. He wants nothing to do with me or the baby. (She sits down like shes pregnant.)
Phoebe: David Lynn.
Phoebe: Oh some guy from my gym. A little annoying.
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is sitting on the couch as Phoebe enters.]
Phoebe: Hey! Ooh, did you do it yet?
Phoebe: Oh, well what are you doing here? Are you about to do it? (Gasps) Is it Gunther?
Rachel: No! Phoebe, its not Gunther.
Phoebe: Thank God, cause that hair on a baby
Rachel: Phoebe the father is not here okay? I havent told him yet and I dont think I can tell him at all now!
Phoebe: Why not?
Phoebe: Bus?
Rachel: No, you! Phoebe you freaked me out. You kept saying how huge this all is!
Phoebe: Well-well but it is huge.
Phoebe: Youre thinking about this way too much. Just tell him and get it over with. Its like, its like ripping off this Band-Aid. (On her arm) Quick and painless, watch. (Rips it off.) Oh mother of See?
Phoebe: (entering) Hey.
Phoebe: All right. (She sits down like shes pregnant again.)
Joey: Umm, now uh Its a scary world out there, especially for a single mom. Yknow, now I always thought you and I had a special bond so (He goes to one knee and pulls out a ring.) Phoebe Buffay, will you marry me?
Phoebe: Hell yeah! Ill marry you! (She grabs the ring and puts it on.)
Phoebe: Hey lady, your days over! Its my turn!
Monica: Phoebe!
Phoebe: I can and I will! (Kisses him.)
Phoebe: Hey!
Monica: Phoebe I think he would notice if you didnt have a baby in nine months!
Phoebe: Its Joey! (Joey turns and looks at her and she mouths I love you to him.)
Phoebe: We dont know.
Phoebe: Who? Who is it?
Phoebe: Was that story over?
Phoebe: (gasps) Oh my God! I know who the father is (She walks into Monica and Chandlers.)
[Scene: Outside Central Perk, Rachel and Phoebe are about to go inside.]
Phoebe: Look, I feel really bad about how I freaked you out before, so I called the father and asked him to meet you here so you can tell him. Go!
Rachel: What? Hey wait a minute! Phoebe, how do you even know who the father is?
Phoebe: I may play the fool at times, but Im a little more than a pretty blond girl with an ass that wont quit. (She takes the sweater out of her purse.) I believe this belongs to the father of your baby.
Phoebe: Uh-huh. Now you can turn around or you can go in there and rip the Band-Aid off. What to you want to do?
Phoebe: Really? Are you sure?
Rachel: Oh Phoebe!
Phoebe: Okay, sorry. Yeah. (They go inside to confront the father.)
Phoebe: Rachel has something that she wants to tell you and umm, I believe that this is your red sweater.
Phoebe: Oh no. Could I get anyone a coffee or poison? No? Just for me? Okay. (Walks away.)
Rachel: Nothing! Phoebe kinda made a mistake. But yknow you do wear that sweater a lot, are you involved in some kind of dare?
Tag: Yknow, Im actually glad Phoebe called. (He pulls out a stool and Rachel sits down.) I know we broke up because you thought I wasnt mature enough, but Ive really grown up and think we should get back together.
(Phoebe and Rachel enter.)
Phoebe: What?!!
Phoebe: No!!
Phoebe: I cant say that didnt hurt. But Ill take you back Joey Tribbiani.
Phoebe: Ooh! A Salami Buddy!
Phoebe: Wait you stole those from these peoples wedding?
(He exits leaving a stunned Phoebe and Monica.)
Monica and Phoebe: Oh my God!!
Phoebe: You could get arrested, right now! (Flashes the badge and they glare at her.) All right, yeah, I gotta take it back. I'm totally drunk with power. (She heads for the door just as Joey enters.)
Phoebe: (handing Rachel the phone) Fine all right, but Id bet youd be singing another tune if we were fighting over a ratchet.
Phoebe: So how are things going with you?
Phoebe: Two?
Phoebe: Oh, this is so intense. One side of my butt is totally asleep, and the other side has no idea.
Phoebe: You didn't get the money, did you?
Phoebe: No it's not, sorry.
Phoebe: (with her mouthful) Hi Monica.
Joey: (in a very aaaaahhhhh sweeeeeet voice) Aaahhh, look at you two... holding hands... huh is this getting serious? (Phoebe and Mike, embarrassed, start babbling and look away.) Have you not talked about it yet? (They say nothing now, but smile) Am I making you uncomfortable? (smiles are becoming forced now, and he speaks to Mike) If you were bigger you'd hit me, huh...? Aaaaaahhhhhh (he turns away to the bar)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel are there. Monica is holding the wrapping paper from one of Rachel's gifts.]
Phoebe: Yeah okay, no if it helps you okay. Yeah.
Phoebe: Oh.
Ross: I don’t know. Phoebe, if one of us saw Mike with another woman would you want us to tell you?
Phoebe: Yeah. Sorry. (she starts to leave)
Phoebe: What?
Phoebe: Yeah, no, I understand.
Phoebe: Yeah that was lucrative! Smart like your brother!
PHOEBE: Uh huh, what is happening to the world? I mean, no no no, 'cause ET leaves, and and Rocky loses, Charlotte dies.
(She laughs at the childhood memory. Phoebe smiles at being able to make her point.)
Phoebe: Im just saying that only a man completely secure with his masculinity could walk around in womens underwear! I dont think you could ever do that.
Phoebe: Okay, okay, okay, the black. But, oh, do you have black, with the little strappys?
[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there but Chandler. Phoebe runs in, excitedly.]
Phoebe: Hey!
Phoebe: (sarcastically) Uhuh... Yeah...!, you know. And given my life long search for irony, you can imagine how happy I am.
Phoebe: Chandler.
Phoebe: Joey.
Phoebe: This is Monica.
Phoebe: This is everybody. This is Ross.
Phoebe: And this is Rachel.
PHOEBE: Um, a chip. A tattoo, I'm getting a tattoo.
PHOEBE: Chandler, you gotta stop staring at the door. It's like a watched pot, you know if you keep looking at it then the door is to, never gonna boil. I think what you have to do is try not to...
Phoebe: (sits up) Oh, ew!
Phoebe: Yeah, yeah. You can do it to. (tries to do it, but cant)
Phoebe: Wow, thats close. Whens yours?
Phoebe: Yknow, you are 12 years older than her.
Phoebe: Um, yeah sure. Why you wanna call your Mom?
Phoebe: Y'know, for once, I am going to sit down and try to watch one of these things. (just as she sits down).
Phoebe: Oh, how do you play the shadow game?
Phoebe: I dont have time for this.
Phoebe: Ah!!
Phoebe: Alice would never go for it, right?
Phoebe: Unless! She wants to spend the night holding my hair back for me.
[Scene: Phoebes, Phoebe and Frank are watching TV.]
Phoebe: Well, y'know we dont call it that, but yeah!
Phoebe: Ten dollars an hour for what?
Phoebe: No! But she gave me the box that it came in. It had a picture of the bike on the front. (Theyre all speechless) So I would sit on it and my step-dad would drag me around the backyard.
[Scene: The hallway between the two apartments, Chandler, Phoebe, Ross, and Rachel are coming up the stairs.]
Phoebe: You cant have sex with her!
Phoebe: He is sweet. Hes too sweet. He calls me all the time. (Mimicking him) "So did-did you get home from work okay?" "Did-did you get out of the shower okay?"
Phoebe: I dont....
Monica: I love you. (Phoebe leans in to kiss her.) Oh, wait, wait, wait! No hugs. The dresses... Oh what the hell. (the girls hug)
Phoebe: Right, okay, um-mm.
Phoebe: Nooo! Why would you think that?
Phoebe: You really thought it was perfect?
Phoebe: Uh-huh.
Joey: Oh, youre Phoebes fan!
Phoebe: Yeah, I guess I do, yeah.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are returning. Phoebe is still on hold.]
Phoebe: Well, I-I wasnt hopping mad, y'know.
{Transcribers note: This is where the opening credits are, but theyre not the usual opening credits. Oh no! These credits are based on the world that would have been created had all of the above actually happened. It starts out with all of them at the fountain sitting on the couch as Fat Monica runs up and sits on the arm of the couch, tilting the whole thing towards her. It then goes on to show Rachels still a shop-aholic and with Barry. Fat Monica is sweating while cooking and dancing while eating a donut. Phoebe as the Wall Street shark smoking while on two cell phones. Then theyre dancing in the fountain. Joey entering as Dr. Drake Remoray and meeting a groupie. Chandler trying to write as a bird does its business on his shoulder and falling asleep while typing. Ross doing some kara-tay and trying to get Carol into bed. And finally, some more dancing in the fountain, them all flexing, and the turning out the lamp and shutting off all the lights bit from the first season. Just remember one thing, this is an alternate universe. Everything from every other episode doesnt apply, for instance, Ross and Rachel have no history. And in fact have not seen each other in years in this world.}
Phoebe: All right all ready.
(Camera moves to Chandler, Phoebe, Ross, and Joey sitting in living room)
Rachel: Well Phoebe, we gotta do something! (They turn the corner.) Well, yknow. I mean theres no way Joeys gonna make it in time. So Im gonna through the hotel and see if theres any other weddings going on.
Phoebe: Why, nobody good?
Phoebe: Oh, really?
Phoebe: Its a video of my friend giving birth. Could you just bring it back to your apartment?
Rachel: (lifts for a toast) Okay, as everybody has ordered, I would like to start the celebration and make a toast � to Phoebe. She dropped her sock.
PHOEBE: I sound amazing. I, I, I've never heard myself sing before. I mean, except in my own head. Oh, this is so cool, now I can hear what you hear.
Rachel: Definitely! Phoebe, you will not find a single game show host, whos ass I cannot kick.
Phoebe: So what are they doing?
[Cut to the bathroom, Joey is taking a shower and Phoebe knocks on the door.]
Ross: (to Phoebe) Sure, your dresser is missing but this she notices.
Phoebe: Well, because we thought you knew!! Its so obvious! God, that would be like telling Monica, "Hey, you like things clean."
Phoebe: Huh?
Phoebe: This is so typical. I'm always the last one to know everything.
Phoebe: Aww, good. (they hug) What?
Phoebe: Oh no! Why?
Phoebe: Im sorry.
[Scene: the bar, Phoebe is still hugging Ross.]
Phoebe: What?
Phoebe: What?
Phoebe: What?
Phoebe: Okay, its okay.
(Phoebe jumps on to the table and lays down, Ross follows her and hits his head on the light hanging over the pool table.)
Phoebe: Huh?
PHOEBE: Yeah, maybe, yeah. You know, and, and I'll knock on the door and, and he'll hug me and I'll have a dad. Ya know and I'll, I'll go to his pharmacy and everyone will be really nice to me 'cause, you know, I'm Franks daughter.
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is introducing Phoebe, who is playing her guitar for the crowd.]
Phoebe: Oh. (they start kissing again)
Phoebe: Whos singing?
Monica: No! No, she doesnt. Uh Phoebe, what she makesthats uhtheyre sock rabbits. They are completely differentOkay! Okay! Okay! I didnt make it! Im sorry! I totally forgot about tonight and the fact that were supposed to make the presents!
Phoebe: Hey!
Phoebe: Yeah. Um... I'm out. (throws in cards)
Phoebe: Y'know I had a dream where Ross and Rachel were still together, they never broke up. And we were all just like hanging out, and everyone was happy....
Phoebe: Oh my God Chandler, the one you picked is gone. Its over!
PHOEBE: OK, I wasn't in love with him and I was just helping out a friend.
Phoebe: Oh, yay!
Phoebe: Ooooh, nice.
Phoebe: Okay.
Phoebe: 'Dear Ms. Buffay. Thank you for calling attention to our error. We have credited your account with five hundred dollars. We're sorry for the inconvenience, and hope you'll accept this- (Searches in her purse) -football phone as our free gift.' Do you believe this?! Now I have a thousand dollars, and a football phone!
Phoebe: I'm telling you! Oh, okay! This is the part of the musical where there'd be a really good convincing song. (Singing) "Bam-bam, don't take no for an answer. Bam-bam, don't let love fly away. Bam-bam-bam-bam..."