words in movies
Story by Mark J. Kunerth Teleplay by Richard Goodman Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
Monica: I'm going into business people. I'm sick and tired of being depressed about Richard. I needed a plan, a plan to get over my man. What's the opposite of man? Jam. (sees Joey trying some jam from the pot) Oh Joey don't! It's way to hot. (Joey realizes this and spits what he had in his mouth back into the pot.)
[Scene: Richards Apartment, time lapse. Richard is smoking as he hears a knock on the door. He quickly puts out his cigar and opens the door.]
RICHARD: Ok, I have to sleep on the west side because I grew up in California and otherwise the ocean would be on the wrong side.
RICHARD: Then, you're redoing it because...
Richard: Yeah, I understand. Take as much time as you want. (Pause) Ten, even twenty minutes if you need it. Ill be here. Not smoking. (Monica leaves.)
Richard: Ill just throw them out.
Richard: You were gonna propose? (Sits on the arm of the couch.)
RICHARD: But... he gets it back, pass to the middle, lines it up and... BAM! Yes! Could that shot BE any prettier?
Monica: (on machine) "Hi, uh, Richard it's Monica, um, listen I did something kind of crazy tonight, um, maybe I'm getting my period or something, I don't know." Nooo!!
JOEY: Ok, uh, hey Richard, if you had an extra ticket to the Knicks game and you had to choose between a friend who smells and one who bruises you who would you pick?
Chandler: Richard! No one supposed to know about us! (Richard just smiles at him.) See I, did it again.
Richard: The picture of my wife! In your pack!
Paul: And in fifth grade I got into a fight. Well, it wasnt really a fight. Richard Darinvel bit me on the nose and, and I feel down. I still have a little scare right here (points to it) you can see it.
Richard: Absolutely, this will just be something we do, like racquetball.
RICHARD: Hey come on, you haven't heard my reason yet.
Richard: Im wearing two belts.
Richard: Oh, thank you. Youre welcome. (He stands up, staggers to the couch, and starts to lie down.)
[Scene: at Barry and Mindy's reception, Monica and Richard are sitting at a table, and Monica is trying to throw a piece of candy into his mouth.]
Richard: I didnt ask. You wanna come in?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Richard are there. Phoebe enters.]
Monica: I mean, my feelings for Richard are certainly gone.
[Scene: Richards Apartment, Monica is looking around and notices an African mask hanging on the wall.]
RICHARD: Boy I would just uh, I would freak out.
Richard: I know this is crazy but am I too late?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Richard are setting the table.]
RICHARD: Monica's making us watch Old Yeller.
Richards Date: Well, I just wanted to see where you lived. Now, give me the tour.
MONICA: Hi. Richard just told me he loves me.
Monica: Oh my God. Richard? (turns around) Hi!
Monica: This is crazy! I mean, it's such a stupid argument. I don't even wanna see Richard again.
Phoebe: (sitting down) Oh good! All right, so you decided to tell him about the Richard thing.
Richards Date: Yeah, but I didnt get to see it.
RICHARD: Charlotte who?
RICHARD: Yeah, if I have to. Monica, I don't wanna lose you, so if I have to do it all over again, then I will.
MRS. GELLER: Richard. Richard. Your son isn't seeing anyone is he?
Richard: And-and then I sneak out and before Monica can her parents come in.
Phoebe: Richard Simmons?! Oh my God!
Richard: That can be arranged.
RICHARD: Yeah, just, I feel like I'm about a hundred. I thought I was just one of the guys.
Chandler: No! Her boyfriend Richard!
(They hug, and Richard notices a stocking stuck to Monicas back, which he removes for her.)
RICHARD: Uh, in the future, if I could see the schedule beforehand...
RICHARD: Oh, hey. I love children, I have children. I just don't want to be 70 when our kids go off to college, and our lives can finally start.
MONICA: Ok. [Richard walks in] Hey, why don't you ask Richard?
RICHARD: Hey, be right there.
Dedicated to the Memory of Richard L. Cox, Sr.
Ross: Well, this is ironic. Of your last two boyfriends, Richard didnt want to have kids, and from the looks of it, now Pete cant.
RICHARD: Wow. Well being a huge Knicks fan myself, I think you should take someone who's a huge Knicks fan.
Richard: Well yeah, Im sorry. I know this is the wrong time and the wrong place but I had to tell ya! I wanna spend my life with you. I wanna marry you. I wanna have kids with you.
Richard: Wow. Y'know were back where we were. Honey, I would love to do all that, but nothings changed.
RICHARD: Uh, the guy was Lou Gehrig. Didn't you kinda see it coming?
Monica: No, my eye doctor is Richard! I cant go to him when I dont have a boyfriend!
RICHARD: That's fine. Well, your other dad and I are gonna go have a romantic evening and I guess I'll just see you kids around.
RICHARD: Oh honey, I'm fine.
MONICA: Hey. Where is he, where's Richard? Did you ditch him?
[Richard enters]
RICHARD: Hey, you're gettin' better. I'm gonna keep this by the way.
RICHARD: It's the basketball playoffs.
JOEY: How come Richard looks so much cooler with one of these than me?
MONICA: You know what, I think it's cute, you trying to be more like Richard.
CHANDLER: Hey listen, we've gotta go, I promised Richard we'd meet him downstairs.
MONICA: You're meeting Richard?
Richard: We may not have any weapons, but we still have food. In the basement I saw potatoes and some dry pasta, and a few tins of tuna! (Joey backs away and wipes his face again.)
Richard: Oh, hey look nothing happened.
Richard: Oh, okay. Well, Ill just leave the door open and go sit on the couch. (Does so.)
[Cut to that same kitchen, only this is The One With The Proposal, Richard is telling Monica something.]
Richard: Is that my ass? (Hes looking at Joeys.)
RICHARD: Hey Phoebs, what's happening?
RICHARD: I know, I know. Just hang in there, OK. OK, I'll go out first, alright.
RICHARD: Ok. [leaves]
Monica: Me going out with Richards son.
PHOEBE: What, what's about to happen? [starts watching] I've never seen this part before. Hey, Travis, watcha doin' with that gun? Oh no, no no Travis, put down the gun. No no no no, he he's your buddy, he's your Yeller, no, no no, the end, THE END. [hear the gunshot from the TV] [Scene:Monica and Rachel's apartment. Richard is on the balcony smoking and Monica is on the phone.]
RICHARD: Happy birthday.
RICHARD: What?
RICHARD: Guys. Seriously, it is not like that.
RICHARD: Jack, would you let it go?
RICHARD: She's not a twinkie.
RICHARD: Oh?
RICHARD: How ya doin'?
RICHARD: Uh, Phoebe, I don't think your mom would want you to see what's about to happen.
RICHARD: Oh, thank you Phoebs. That's very sweet.
RICHARD: Two.
RICHARD: Right, and...
RICHARD: Right.
RICHARD: Really?
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler and Joey are playing Richard at foosball.]
[Scene: Mr. Geller's birthday party. Monica is in the bathroom and Richard comes in.]
RICHARD: Monica.
RICHARD: Well, we had a table in college.
RICHARD: No.
RICHARD: Shall we?
RICHARD: Well, that's not bad at all. I mean, you had me thinkin it was like a fleet.
RICHARD: Hey.
RICHARD: Is everything all right?
RICHARD: No. You have got it completely wrong. John Savage was deerhunter, no legs, John Voit was coming home, couldn't feel his legs.
RICHARD: Ok, just one more point.
RICHARD: Uh-oh.
RICHARD: Well.
RICHARD: Uh, you guys see me as a dad?
RICHARD: Ohh, brisk tonight.