words in movies
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the gang is there except for Rachel and Ross, who both come storming in. Rachel is still going off about Rosss secret marriage.]
Ross: Rach, come on, if you think about it, its actually kinda funny. (He laughs, and he laughs alone.) Okay, maybe its best not to think about it.
Joey: Oh! Hey, somebody left their keys. (Looks at them) Ooohh, to a Porsche! {Transcribers note: Oh come on! Who would leave the keys to their Porsche behind? If I had a Porsche, Id have the keys surgically attached to my hand!} Hey Gunther, these yours?
Gunther: Yeah, thats what I drive. I make four bucks an hour, I saved up for 350 years!
Joey: Theres a lost and found? (Gunther sets the box up on the table.) My shoe! (Grabs it out of the box.)
Joey: Well, I didnt realize until I got home. I wasnt gonna walk all the way back down here with one shoe! Yknow what? Im gonna go find that guys car and leave a note on the windshield. (Goes to do so.)
Phoebe: Okay, well Ill bring them by tomorrow morning. Okay, and uh, by the way, theyre not actually puppies, theyre Frank and Alices triplets. Okay, see ya! (Exits.)
Monica: Come on Chandler, come on! Itll give us great practice for when(realizes what shes about to say and changes)people with babies come to visit.
Joey: Yeah, its not mine.
Joey: Yeah, its (looks up and sees the woman) mine.
Woman: I bet its fast.
Joey: (checks in the window to make sure it has them) Its got em!
Rachel: So, I still have boxes here. I still have boxes at Rosss, and I have nowhere to live! Wow. I could so easily freak out right now.
Rachel: Well theres an idea!!
Rachel: December 26th, huh maybe shes Santa Clause.
Monica: Pheebs, hows it going?
Phoebe: (rapidly) Im doing okay. I think its going well. Do you think theyre having fun? Am I talking to fast?
Monica: Nope, sound like me. Pheebs, its going great. Look at Chandler with little baby girl Chandler.
Chandler: Little baby girl Chandler, where I have heard that before? Oh right, Coach Ruben. (Tries to get her to drink a little more from the bottle when he suddenly smells something. Its times like these Im glad Smell-O-Vision hasnt been invented.) Do you know what Pheebs? When youre done over there, we kinda have a situation over here too. (Phoebe is changing hers.)
Chandler: See thats where I think that youre wrong. Weve been playing these babies man for man; we should really be playing a zone defense.
Joey: And thats just in the city. I get her up to 160 when I take her upstate.
The Porsche Owner: Hey! Thats my car.
The Porsche Owner: But its my car!
Joey: Yeah, but its my wax.
Monica: Yeah, two hours, a lifetime thats the same.
Monica: Chandler, what are you doing? That thing can put someones eye out!
Phoebe: No Chandler, they can swallow one of those little parts! And also, look at his smooth area, thats just gonna mess them up.
Monica: Oh its so cute. I wonder what age it is when you stop being able to put both legs over your head.
Chandler: Well, I was trying to prove that I was right. Yknow? And it turns out I was wrong. And now its lodged in my throat. (Mimics a cat trying to cough up a hairball.) (He does it again.)
[Scene: A judges chambers, Rachel and Ross are filing their annulment papers.]
Ross: (stands up) Thats great! Are you happy now? Look what you did with your funny, funny form!
Ross: And what(notices the stenographer is still typing)What are you typing that for? Did you hear what she said? We dont get the annulment. Dont type that! What?! Stop typing! (He goes over to where the stenographer is typing and in the process pushes Rachel out of his way.) Hey! Stop typing! (Hes still typing.) Stop typing! Stop typing!!
Chandler: Ahh, I think it just moved. Its really poking me.
Monica: All right, thats it, were going to the emergency room.
Monica: Hes got something plastic lodged in his throat, weve got to go to the hospital.
Phoebe: But no, because a doctor wont be able to help him, its just gonna yknow naturally pass through his system in like seven years.
Chandler: I think thats gum.
Phoebe: Im pretty sure its gun.
Chandler: Okay, listen this really hurts. Lets go.
Rachel: Well, you ripped the paper out of the court reporters machine!!
Joey: Hey! Its Porsche!! (Hes right yknow.)
Phoebe: Me taking care of you is no problem, huh? You guys feel safe. Right? Okay, Im gonna take that spit bubble as, "Yeah, I do!" Okay, after I get rid of this dirty diaper Leslie, Ill set you up with a clean one. (She throws it at the garbage without looking, misses, and knocks over a vase and flowers, which fall to the floor and break.) Okay, Im sorry. I didnt mean to scare you. I just have to clean that up. Okay? Cause lets face it, were at Monicas. (She crawls over, disposes of the diaper, picks up the flowers, and the vase.) I broke it. All right. Well, thats just the way that goes. (She throws out both the flowers and the vase.) Okay, good. (She turns around and only counts two babies.) Why are there only two of you? Where is Leslie? Well, you cant answer. (She starts looking for her) Leslie? Where are you Leslie? Leslie, now would be a good time for your first words! (She turns around and finds that Leslie has managed to crawl into the bottom drawer of the TV cabinet.) Well, look at you! Hey! You are a little bit mischievous! My gosh! (She picks her up and notices a surprise is waiting in the drawer.) Oh, youre a lot mischievous! Well, itll dry. (Closes the drawer with her foot.) (To Leslie) Okay, you sit with your brother and sister nowwho arent there! (They both have disappeared as well.)
[Time Lapse, the babies are finally asleep. Good for Phoebe! The only problem is, Monicas apartment looks like a tornado, a hurricane, a swarm of locusts, fire, brimstone, hail, and giant man-eating, radioactive ants have torn the place apart. Needless to say, its messy enough to cause Monica to die of shock right away. Parents with small children know what Im talking about.]
Chandler: Well, lets just say that Krog will be fully equipped to destroy the universe again in twelve to fourteen hours.
Chandler: Was the setting of Phoebes triumph.
[Scene: Rosss apartment, Rachel is packing what she still has over there as Ross enters.]
Ross: I picked up the divorce papers. Uh, Ive already signed everything and I put little Xs where you need to sign.
Rachel: Oh, little Xs! Great! That makes up for everything!
Ross: Youre right. Thats very different. So lets, lets just sign the papers. All right? (Sits down and Rachel keeps standing there.) What?
Ross: That may be the most depressing thing Ive heard in my life. I should probably get these to my lawyers office.
Joey: Id love to show ya, but I just tucked her in. Shes sleeping. (The women both laugh) Hey uh, would you two girls like to go for a drink? (Just then the same guy with the football dives to make a catch, lands on the car cover, and collapses it. It turns out that Joey set up a bunch of boxes to make it look like a Porsche.)
PHOEBE: And they were serving franks which is his first name minus the s at the end. And there was a rotisserie with spinning chicken.
Rachel: (on phone) Chip! Hi, its Rachel. (listens) Rachel Green. Yeah, umm, you left me a message. (listens) Yes you did, my roommate wrote it down. (listens) Monica Geller. (listens) Ohh.
Monica: Hey, isnt weird to think about how next year at this time theyll be a little baby at the table? (Chandler turns around in horror.) (Seeing him) Rachels! But good to know where youre at!
Chloe: Relax. Its just Issacs D.J.-ing at the Philly. You should come.
Chandler: All right. Yes. Okay. I get your point. But if its not your bra will you just let the woman clean the apartment?!
(They go around the last row of bookshelves and find a couple doing what college coeds do in secluded corners of university libraries. For those of you who dont know what Im talking about, lets just say that clothing is undone. Ross gasps and the couple gets up and runs away.)
Ross: Ask them if it would be faster if we cut the baby’s face off the penis, so we can put it on the bunny. (pause). That is a weird sentence!
Rachel: Oh My God, Phoebe, thats not Ralph Lauren. Thats Kenny the copy guy.
[Scene: The Hotel, Monicas room, Mr. and Mrs. Bing are staring at each other while Phoebe looks on.]
[Scene: The Doctors Office, the doctor is writing something as Rachel is on the table, and Ross is standing.]
Joey: Hey-hey-hey-ho-ho, I got this one. Here you go. (Hands Gunther Chandlers card.) Yknow I gotta tell ya, sometimes I justI dont get Chandler. Yknow, me and him do stuff all the time without you and you dont get all upset.
Joey: Check it out. (He turns around, pulls down his pants, and shows Phoebe that hes got panties on.) How much of a man am I?!
Phoebe: Oh hey! So, how did your doctors appointment go?
Rachel: Ohh, God! Look at him, hes so cute. I wanna go over there, grab him, and kiss him! How can I kiss him and not letting him know that I like him?
Chandler: Okay, its not a check. Theyre saying your health insurance expired because, you didnt work enough last year.
Phoebe: Theyre just talking, and yknow what? Just because I think theyre soul mates doesnt mean anythings gonna happen.
[Cut back to Joey about to leave for his audition for Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.]
Ross: Okay. All right. So lets see, lets play from the trash can, to the lightpost. Right. Two hand touch, well kick off.
Monica: (running over to stop Rachel) Hey Rach, the tampons here are only a penny. Lets stock up. (takes her into the bathroom)
Rachel: Ah thats great. No actually thats (In a sexy voice) Thats great! Thats really great! Yknow, I gotta tell ya writing, I mean writing, gets me uh, gets me kinda hot.
Joey: Hey-hey-hey, hey thats your wife youre talking about!
Monica: Okay, heres batch 22. Ohh, maybe thesell taste a little like your grandmothers. This has a little bit of orange peel, but no nutmeg.
Meg: Well, I dont care about the divorces either, but I wouldnt date him. Its just that hes obviously still in love with this Rachel girl.
Rachel: Its gonna poop!
[Scene: Monica and Chandlers, Time lapse. Jack is still on the couch, picking his teeth with his feet on the table. Phoebe and Judy are sitting on the table looking at him. Ross and Chandler are sitting by the window talking. Rachel and Joey are in the kitchen fooling with Rachels trifle. Monica walks into the living room from the kitchen.]
Monica: Listen uh, I-Ive been doing some thinking, and I dont know whether its because were here or Rachels giving birth but umm, I think we should try to have a baby.
Richard: Shes not here and please come in.
Rachel: Oh, I know it. Youre right. Thats not sexy. Oh Oh! (Drops a fork on the floor.) Whoops! Oh, I seem to have dropped my fork. Let me just bed over and get it. (Tries too, but cant quite seem to make it.) Oh God!
Phoebe: All right, me too. (They go into her room and see that shes sleeping.) Should we wake her up?
(Outside in the street, Joey and Chandler arrive, to peer through the window at Phoebe, by bending down to look underneath the shops signa large steaming cup of coffee.)
[Scene: Rosss Apartment, Rachel is entering and Ross is making some room on the shelves for his stuff.]
Chandler: I think thats the youngest girl ever to reject me.
Richards Date: Yeah, but I didnt get to see it.
Phoebe: Well lets just say its shes lucky she has a sweet ass, cause shes not so good at the writing.
Monica: That’s crazy! (Phoebe looks bewildered). I am sorry. I just can’t imagine giving up my one wedding day like that!
Chandler: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you! (To his girlfriend) And you are about to marry a wonderful man! (She stunned and hes horrified.) Hey! Im marrying a dead woman!
[Scene: Rosss Hotel Room, he is letting Chandler in.]
Rachel: Well, uhm... whatever, I have really appreciated it, 'cause I don’t think I would be the person that I am today if it wasn’t for you guys. See, I wanna help Amy the way you guys helped me. And I know it’s gonna take patience, but that’s ok.
Pete: Y'know I have a torn rotator cuff, a hairline fracture in my right forearm, and a severely bruised Adams Apple, but that really hurt.
Monica: I cant believe it! Shes asleep! I got her to go to sleep! I have actual magical powers!
Ross: No! No! Im not! Its-its-its perfect! I mean its better than you just-just moving here, cause its us together forever, and thats-thats what I want.
Joey: No-no-no-no, hes not! No! Why are you trying to ruin the game? Come on!
Monica: Which we are, and-and we already paid for it. Its My Giant!
Pete: One meal! Thats all Im asking for. Please? We go out, we eat, and if you dont have a good time, I give you ten grand, we call it even.
Rachel: Yeah but how do I start? I mean, whats-whats the first thing that I say? (They all pause to think.) Okay great! Thanks. (She starts to leave.)
Monica: (sits next to him) Phoebe, its okay that you dont want me to be your girlfriend because I have the best boyfriend.
Ross: My God, the babys kicking. Thats great. Although I kinda wish I-I wouldve been there to feel the kicking for the first time yknow.
(Monica goes into Rachels room.)
Woman Giving Birth: (yelling from the hallway) Its coming! Its coming!
Phoebe: Oh my God! No! Shoo! Kitty! No! No-no-no! Shoo! Come on, you! (goes over and picks up the cat) Come on. Crazy. (looks into the cats eyes) Oh my God.
Joey: Look, its not about her. Okay? But seeing you two together just reminds me of what you did. And I dont want to live with some one who doesnt know what it is to be a friend. So, Ill see ya. (He starts to leave, but Chandler grabs his bag and stops him.)
Ross: Okay look, theres nothing to worry about. We have plenty of time. Theres a great baby furniture store on west 10th. Tomorrow, we will go there and we will get you everything that you need. Okay?
Rachel: I know. I know. Oh God. (Looking around) Theres no tissue! Can you grab me some toilet paper?
Monica: (looking at Rachels jeans) Where did you get those jeans?!
[Scene: Rachels Office, Tag is entering.]
Rachel: Yeah, Stevies an old family friend. (Hits Rosss chest)
Monica: Heres your key (Gets him one.)
[Scene: Stings Apartment, Phoebe has come to talk about Jack and is waiting for Stings wife, Trudie Styler, to enter.]
David: I mean, theres a statue in Minsk
Nurse: Its all right honey, it takes some babies a while to get it, but dont worry. Itll happen.
Chandler: Then we will sprinkle rose pedals on the bed and make love. Not just because its romantic, but because I can!
[Scene: Rachels old room. Its pretty much empty except for a few boxes against the walls. Ross and Chandler enter.]
[Scene: Rachels Outer Office, Tag is sitting at his desk as Rachel walks up. She stops and watches him pick up the phone.]
Rachel: She is so good at throwing drinks in peoples faces, I mean I dont think Ive ever seen her finish a beverage.
Rachel: Okay, well then how about puberty! Come on, thats always a painful time! Yknow your friends invite you to a slumber party and then they stick your hand in warm water while youre sleeping so that you pee in your sleeping bag.
Chandler: Are those my wife�s nipples?
Rachel: Okay. Hang up! Thats it! Come on!
Joey: Well, why dont you tell me what youre supposed to be! Huh? Because I sure as hell cant figure it out! I talk to you and its nothin. You look at me, and nothin. (He kisses her, more passionately this time) Nothing.
Phoebe: YOU’RE SO GENEROUS AND KIND AND (crowd stops cheering) YOU'RE AMAZING IN BED (everyone hears it and stare at them.) (to everybody) IT’S OUR ANNIVERSARY!
Phoebe: (on phone) Hi! Yeah, Im calling on behalf of Monica Gellers eye, and is um, is Richard Burke in today. (Listens) (to Monica) Hes out of town, but does she want to see the on-call doctor?
Morse: You see, thats why I did so bad on this test. Im having a hard time concentrating. When youre up there (Points to the podium) and youre teaching and your face gets all serious you look so good. (In a sexy voice) You wear that tight little turtleneck sweater
Phoebe: Yeah. And believe me, this suit does not do justice to whats underneath it.
Joeys Sister: Finally, I thought wed never be alone. Can I just tell you something, I have not stopped thinking about you since the party. (kisses him)
Ross: So, do we really have to ask whos going up on the platform next?
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is holding a football helmet; and apparently, in a rather disgusting scene, Joey wants Phoebe to beat him senseless. (Luckily it isnt a long trip.) Because hes made a miraculous recovery from his hernia and wants to take advantage of all those free surgeries he can get now since hes re-established his health insurance.]
Monica: Its a humdinger!
Ross: Actually this looks like pretty good! Yeah!(he turns and watches his back and there’s a sign on the back of the jacket, “boys will be boys”) Boys will be boys?
[Cut to Chandler and Joeys, Joey and Phoebe are watching TV. The TV is turning off and on, and each time Phoebe is blinking her eyes like the Genie did. The switch obviously controls the outlet which the TV is plugged into.]
Ross: Look this is starting to look really bad for me. Okay? Mona, Monas standing right over there. (Looks behind him.) Oh God, shes talking to Joey! You gotta let me win!
Cecilia: Youre not the fan whos dying are you?
Monica: Hey, its Phoebe and Rachel. Um, why dont you tell them what you were telling me earlier about me not being high maintenance?
Chandler: Wait a minute, wait a minute, you dont like the guy Rachels dating? Well, thats odd.
[Scene: Rachels office, shes there as Tag knocks on the door and enters carrying a plant.]
Joey: Its pretty, Okay date of birth?
[Scene: The corridor. Amy knocks Joey’s door and Rachel opens the door.]
Pete: Its time for me to conquer the physical world.
Chandler: Okay now it doesnt matter which one you choose, yknow? Its completely up to you. Our guy is perfect, or you can go out with the guy Phoebe deemed not good enough to go out with herself.
[This starts another series of flashbacks about Joeys hobbies. The first one is from Episode 703: The One With Phoebes Cookies, Rachel is teaching Joey how to sail his boat, the Mr. Bowmont.]
Joey: I dont know. Its-its just lately, Ive been feeling Okay, heres what it is (Pause) You know what? I feel a lot better, thanks! (Starts to leave)
Phoebe: No, yeah, we never find them! Shes always best at us that wily minx.
Joey: Hey, whats up? (He has solved the problem of eating the steak, hes eating it with his hands.)
Ross: Laugh it up, but the jokes on you. Because we dont need to get divorced, okay? We were just gonna get an annulment.
Ross: No! No its not. Joey, this is a smart idea.
Joey: So I uh, I just talked to the director. Thats it, were done for the day.
Mrs. Geller: (whispers to Jack a little loudly) I think hes stoned again.
Ross: Its just I always thought when I had another kid it would be different. Now I-I love Ben, but every time I have to drop him off at Carol and Susans, its likeIt breaks my heart a little. I mean Ive always had this picture of me and my next wife in bed on Sunday and, my kid comes running in and leaps up onto the bed. And we all read the paper together. Yknow? Maybe fight over the science section.
Joey: Yeah-yeah right. Thats okay. Thats fine. Thats uh, pretty much what I was expecting. So uh, its no big deal. All right? I think Im gonna go. (Stands up.)
Phoebe: Oh, its incredible! I so want to be a Waxine girl.
Chandler: Oh its been going on way to long now. Yknow, I mean the first time he said it we were just passing each other in the hallway, so I didnt say anything. And then the next time he said, "Hey Toby, do you want a donut?" And I-I wanted a donut. And now its five years later, the donuts gone and Im still Toby.
Ross: Okay! You guys are getting married tomorrow and-and I couldnt be more thrilled for both of you, but as Monicas older brother I-I have to tell you this. If you ever hurt my little sister, if you ever cause her any unhappiness of any kind, I will hunt you down, and kick your ass! (Chandler laughs.) What? Im-Im-Im serious! (Chandler laughs harder.) ComeHey! Dude! Stop it! Okay? Im-Im not kidding here!