words in movies
[Cut to Central Perk, to the theme from The Dick Van Dyke show Joey runs into Central Perk carrying a stack of Soap Opera Digests and falls on the step. He does bounce right back up making it all that much funnier.]
Phoebe: Ooh, Soap Opera Digest!
[Cut to Monica and Chandler's, The One Where The Monkey Gets Away, Rachel is watching a soap opera with Marcel.]
Joey: The ones that got me the Porsche! Will you keep up! (Chandler wipes his forehead with a baby wipe, that might have been used. He drops it disgustedly.) But I figured, if-if people keep seeing me just standing there, theyre gonna start to think that I dont own it. So I figured Ill wash it. Right? Monica, you got a bucket and some soap I can borrow?
Phoebe: I know her! I bought homemade soap from her at a Dead show!
Rachel: Come on! We will be there for you the whole time! Just remember gal pal Rachel Green. (Excited) Ha-ha! Im gonna be in Soap Opera Digest! And not just in the dumb crossword puzzle. (Looks at Joey.) Seriously, proud of you.
The Interviewer: (returning) Oh wait! I almost forgot. We have to ask everybody this. Other than Days of Our Lives, whats your favorite soap opera?
Monica: Here, let me show you. Okay, the towels are hanging next to the sink, and umm, you can use the fancy soap.
Rachel: (scoffs at him) Yeah, thats gonna get you into Soap Opera Digest. Well I (leans into the microphone again) I would just like to say that Joey truly has enriched the days of our lives.
Joey: Well, its not a part, no. Im teaching acting for soap operas down at the Learning Extension.
The Food Critic: Im torn, between my integrity and my desire to avoid a beating. But I must be honest, your soap is abysmal. (Throws down the spoon and walks out.)
Ross: I don't know. Soap?
Donny Osmond: Yeah! Welcome, it is Soap Opera week here on Pyramid, let's meet our contestants. First, Gene Lester is a database specialist, he's gonna be playing with "Days of Our Life's" star Joey Tribbiani! (Joey's amazed at the place and he keeps looking around till he realizes the audience is applauding him)
Joey: Two thousand dollars!? What do you think I am? I soap opera star!?
Rachel: Well, Joey probably thinks Ill just embarrass him. Yknow, he thinks Im some kind of a soap opera nutWhich Im not! Im not. Although I do know that your uh, your favorite ice cream flavor is butter pecan. (Starts stroking his arm) And uh, and that your-your dogs name is Wally. Well look at that, Im just stroking your arm.
[Joey opens the door and sees Erica (Brooke Shields). Joey gets a huge smile and Chandler squeezed the dish soap in the air.]
Rachel: Fancy soap? I thought we were savin that for the Pope!
Rachel: Ooh, I was kinda hoping that wouldn't be an issue... [Scene: Monica's Apartment, everyone is there and watching a Spanish Soap on TV and are trying to figure out what is going on.]
CHANDLER: Wait, wait, wait. [Opens the top of the dish soap he's holding]
PHOE: Oh, well, we have to celebrate. You know what we should do? We should do, like, a soap opera theme.
Joey: You guys, this is Shelley, shes interviewing me for Soap Opera Digest, and Shelley, this are my friends
Kate: Yep! I sure know how to pick em, huh? Y'know I gave up a part on a soap for this!
Joey: Uh, I dont know. Ya see, its just, see I was a regular on a soap opera yknow? And to go from that to this, I just Plus, Id have to wait on all my friends.
Chandler: Muskogee! That's like four hours from Tulsa. Woo hoo! TV announcer: And heres the float with the stars of the popular daytime soap Days of Our Lives .
Rachel: (yelling and jumping like a child) OH, a soap opera roof party!! I'm going to a soap opera roof party!! Oh my God, oh my God!! (realizing how she's behaving) And it's out of my system!
Chandler: But youre not just a soap actor. You are a soap actor with freakishly tiny feet.
Monica: Oh Soap Opera Digest award!
PHOEBE: But Joey, you're gonna be fine. You don't need that show, it was just a dumb soap opera.
Joey: No-no! No! No! You dont tell a Broadway guy that! Now he just thinks Im a soap actor.
Kate: No, thats not it. So, youre a soap actor? Well this must be pretty exciting for you to be in a real play, hmm?
Joey: Yeah, youre roommate is a soap opera star.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is taking care of Marcel and they are watching a soap opera.]
Joey: Hey, maybe I should stop by! She could be a soap opera fan! It's very impressive when the little people know a celebrity.
Rachel: (gasps) Oh my God! Oh my God!! That is like the third most prestigious soap opera award there is!
Chandler: Aren't you one of the stars of the popular daytime soap Days of Our Lives?
Monica: Okay, I'm gonna go check on something across the hall. You start by washing these (she gives Chandler a bowl with cranberries. Then, while she's going outside, she sees him with a bottle of soap in his hands) Not with soap!! (she leaves)
Rachel: So, Im in my apartment doing the Soap Opera Digest crossword puzzle, and guess who the clue is for three down. (She hands the magazine to Joey.)
Rachel: Wow! I cant believe they didnt put it in the part where you said you didnt watch soap operas.
JOEY: Hey, why can't we use the same toothbrush, but we can use the same soap?
Joey: Okay, some tricks of the trade. Now, Ive never been able to cry as an actor, so if Im in a scene where I have to cry, I cut a hole in my pocket, take a pair of tweezers, and just start pulling. Or ah, or, lets say I wanna convey that Ive just done something evil. That would be the basic I have a fishhook in my eyebrow and I like it (Does it by raising one eyebrow, and showing off the pretend fishhook.) Okay, lets say Ive just gotten bad news, well all I do there is try and divide 232 by 13. (looks all confused) And thats how its done. Great soap opera acting tonight everybody, class dismissed.
Joey: Good evening. Im Mr. Tribbiani. And I will be teaching acting for soap operas. Now um, on my first day as (proudly) Dr. Drake Remoray on Days of Our Lives, (looks for a reaction from his students, and gets none.) I learned that one of the most important things in soap opera acting is reacting, this does not mean acting again, it means, you dont have a line, but someone else just did. And it goes like this. (looks all intense for a moment and then gasps, the students cheer him) Thanks, thanks, a lot. Oh, by the way, before I forget to work in soap operas some of you will have to become much more attractive. All right, moving right along.
The Interviewer: Well umm, another thing our readers always want to know is how our soap stars stay in such great shape. Do you have some kind of fitness regime?
PHOEBE: Oh, ooh, Soap Opera Digest, oh that's one of my favorite digests.
CHANDLER: Because soap is soap. It's self-cleaning.
Monica: Oh yeah, I got soap and sponges and rags and Carnuba wax and polishing compound.
Joey: I mean, this soap opera is a great gig, but... am I missing opportunities? You know, I've always thought of myself as a serious actor. I mean, should I be trying to do more independent movies?
The Interviewer: Thank you. The readers at Soap Opera Digest will be happy to hear that.
Joey: Oh, I dont watch soap operas. Excuse me, I have a life, yknow?
Joey: (sadly) There will come a time in each of your careers when youll have a chance to screw over another soap opera actor. I had such an opportunity in the recent, present. And Im ashamed to say that I took it, I advised a fellow actor to play a role, homosexually. Yeah, we both auditioned for the part, and uh, as it turned out, they ah, they liked the stupid gay thing and cast him. And now, hes got a two year contract opposite Susan Luchhi, the first lady of daytime television, and me, me Im stuck here teaching a bunch of people, most of whom are too ugly to even be on TV. Im sorry, Im sorry, Im sorry. (he gets a huge round of applause from his students.) Thank you.