words in movies
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are hosting a New Year's party. So the place is crowded and in a shameless promotion for NBC they're watching Jay Leno's coverage of New Year's from Time Square.]
Joey: All right! Here we go! 1999! The year of Joey!
Joey: What's the matter?!
Ross: Well, everyone's gotta kiss someone. You can't kiss Ross you got the history.
All: (watching the ball drop) 3! 2! 1! HAPPY NEW YEAR!!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, after the party. Everyone has left, except for the gang.]
Ross: Just the one divorce in '99! Y'know what, I am gonna be happy this year. I am gonna make myself happy.
Chandler: Do you want us to leave the room, or?
Phoebe: Maybe your resolution is to not make fun of your friends, especially the ones who may soon be flying you to Europe for free on their own plane.
Ross: In fact, I'll bet you 50 bucks that you can't go the whole year without making fun of us. Eh, y'know what, better yet? A week.
Chandler: I'll take that bet my friend. And you know what, paying me the 50 bucks could be the "new thing you do that day!" (Ross looks at him.) And it starts right now!
Joey: All right, my New Year's resolution is to learn how to play the guitar.
(She puts her hands over her breasts and indicates that the coworkers boob job resulted in one pointing up and one pointing down with her hands by pointing up with one hand and down with the other.)
Ross: Yes it is. See. (Shows them the piece of paper she gave him with her name and phone number on it.)
Phoebe: Okay. (Joey tries to take the guitar.) Oh no-no-no, you don't touch the guitar! First you learn here, (Points to her head.) then you learn here. (Points to the guitar.)
Phoebe: Okay, lesson one: chords. Now, I don't know the actual names of the chords but umm, I-I-I made up names for the way my hand looks while I'm doing them. (She starts to show Joey the chords. Transcribers Note: For this one you'll have to use your imagination, 'cause it would take me 50 pages to describe each one. So if you want to see them, you'll have to wait for this episode to come to a TV near you.) (Holding up her hand and then reconfiguring her hand with each name.) So then, this is Bear Claw. Okay, umm, Turkey Leg and Old Lady. (Joey tries to imitate them.)
Phoebe: Ooh, you nailed the Old Lady! (They both laugh at what she said.)
Phoebe: Did you, did you touch any of the guitars while you were there? Did you?!
Chandler: (notices something) Ross is wearing leather pants! Does nobody else see that Ross is wearing leather pants? (Pause, no one speaks.) Someone comment on the pants!
Joey: Yeah! (Chandler bangs the table in frustration.)
(They all speak at once in general approval of his pants selection; Joey asks where he got them. I can't pick out the rest of it.)
(Monica starts taking pictures of Ross and Ben, with the flash.)
Monica: No! To take more pictures of all of us together. I mean I really think it's the best resolution because everyone will enjoy the pictures.
Joey: Well, everyone will enjoy my music as well. (Does a chord and Monica starts taking pictures of him and Phoebe. They both start to strike a pose with the excessive amount of pictures that Monica takes.)
[Scene: Elizabeth Hornswoggle's apartment; Ross is there on his date with her. They are sitting on the couch watching a movie. Ross is obviously hot.]
Ross: (talking to himself) My God! These pants are burning up! (He's still wearing the leather pants.) (She snuggles closer.) Oh come on, she wants to snuggle now! What is she trying to kill me? It's like a volcano in here! (Out loud.) Are you hot?
(He shifts on the couch and a ripping sound emanates from his lower regions, the sound reminds one of a brief explosion of gas. In other words, it sounds like he farted. She has a look of horrific wonderment, wondering "Did he just fart?")
Ross: That was just the pants on the couch. Umm, hey, do you, do you mind if I use your bathroom?
Ross: Thanks. (Gets up and as he does so, the sound returns. Without another word he heads into her bathroom.)
[Cut to Elizabeth Hornswoggle's bathroom, Ross frantically pulls his shirt out and drops his pants. He exhales in sheer ecstasy as the coolness of the bathroom envelops his legs. He sits on the cast iron bathtub, again gasping in pleasure. He next grabs a magazine and starts to blow air on his exposed legs, but that doesn't work the way he wants it to. So he throws the magazine down, looks around for another idea, and finds one. He jumps up and hops to the sink. He turns on the water and starts to splash some on his legs, cooling them further.]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is drilling Joey on the chords as Monica looks on.]
Phoebe: Tiger! (Joey moves his hand in an attempt to do the chord, in fact he does it with each name.) Dragon! Iceberg!! (He fails.) Joseph, did you even study at all last night?
Phoebe: G-sharp? Have you been studying the real names of the chords? (Joey doesn't answer.) Have you? (He looks away in shame.) Oh my God!
Joey: No, I'm not questioning it, I'm saying it's stupid! (Notices Monica standing between them and smiling.) What?! (The camera clicks, taking another picture.)
Joey: (looking in the Yellow Pages) Look, maybe I need to try a real teacher! Right here! Here! Andy Cooper, he teaches guitar and look ooh, there's a nice picture of him with a little kid and THE KID'S GOT A GUITAR!!!!!! (Storms out.)
Rachel: (entering, singing) "Baddest man in the whole damn town."
(Rachel looks shocked, gets over it, notices she's alone, and picks up the phone. The last part of which is something she shouldn't have done, because the phone is already in use. By Monica, and now Rachel can hear every word.)
Rachel: Arghh!! (She quickly hangs up the phone and starts to pace around wondering what to do.)
[Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, The phone rings and Joey answers it.]
Ross: No, I-I got really hot in my leather pants so I took them off but they must have shrunk from the-the sweat or-or-or my legs expanded from the heat. Look, I-I can't put them back on. I can't!
Joey: Good-good, okay, sprinkle some of that on your legs, it'll absorb some of the moisture and then you can get your pants back up.
Ross: Yeah, okay, hold on! (He puts the phone down and proceeds to spread a large amount of powder on his legs and makes another attempt at pulling up his pants. It doesn't work, and without picking up the phone leans down to it.) (Almost in tears.) They're not coming on man.
(Ross proceeds to apply copious amounts of the lotion on his legs. He literally starts spraying the back of his legs with the lotion, and as he applies some to his butt he makes a happy face like he enjoyed that sensation. After using about half the bottle he again tries to pull up his pants, but at the first sign of resistance, his hand slips off of the pants and hits him in the forehead.)
Ross: They're still, they're still not coming on man and the lotion and the powder have made a paste!
Joey: Well, I'm justif the paste matches the pants, you can make yourself a pair of paste pants and she won't know the difference!
Joey: (To Ross) Uh, Rachel's here, so good luck man, let me know how it works out. (He hangs up the phone and strands Ross in the bathroom.)
Joey: Oh well, you're timing couldn't be better. I am putting out fires all over the place.
Joey: I don't care, Rach! Look, I am tired of being the guy who knows all the secrets but can't tell anyone!
Rachel: I know, I know! I just can't keep this one in, so I pick up the phone (Joey in a childish attempt to not hear what Rachel is about to say, puts his fingers in his ears and starts to scream loudly. Rachel turns and walks out upon seeing that Joey's not gonna listen, and as she exits Chandler walks in and sees Joey in his current state.)
(Chandler seeing that Joey has his eyes closed sneaks over and picks up the chicken. The chicken starts flapping it's wings in protest as Chandler holds the chicken inches from Joey's face. Joey stops yelling and upon opening his eyes sees the chicken, screams, and falls to the ground in horror.)
[Scene: Elizabeth's apartment; Elizabeth is inquiring as to the delay in Ross's exit from her bathroom.]
Ross: All right, I'm coming out. Hey, can you turn the lights off.
Elizabeth: No, let's just leave the lights on.
(Ross opens the door and steps into the living room. He has fully removed his pants and holds them wrapped into a ball in front of his crotch. His legs are covered in the powder and lotion paste. He looks terrible.)
Phoebe: No, I can't talk to you! I don't have a fancy ad in the Yellow Pages!
Joey: Wow! Cool! (He takes the guitar, stands up, and goes to play a note. However, while strumming it, he knocks it out of his hands and it bounces off the table and lands on the floor. Phoebe just stares at the guitar.)
Joey: (sitting back down) Was the chord at least right
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is returning from his horrible trek back home without pants on. The whole gang is there.]
Ross: This year was supposed to be great! But, it's only the second day and I'm a loser with stupid leather pants that don't even fit!
Ross: Oh, be-because of the leather pants.
Ross: Maybe I should get another pair! Ooh, y'know, they-they had some with fringe all down the sides. (Chandler starts rubbing his temple again.) I'm gonna go kiss Ben goodnight. (He starts to head for Monica's bedroom.) I can't believe he thinks I'm a cowboy. (Pause.) I would make a good cowboy. (He struts into Monica's room.)
Phoebe: Okay, I'm gonna go too. I'm gonna go to the airport. I figure if I hang around there long enough, someone's bound to leave one of those planes unattended.
Joey: What's the thing you know?
Rachel: All right, how about I go over there and I will walk into Chandler's bedroom and I will see that thing that I think that I know is actually the thing that I think that I know! (Note: Kudos to Ms. Aniston on the delivery of that line. She said it very quickly and didn't screw up a word. Try it yourself, it ain't that easy.)
Phoebe: Hey! It's raining. I don't want to fly in the rain. So
Joey: Oh, I am going to go for a walk in the rain.
Chandler: (entering) Oh good, okay, I can't take it anymore. I can't take it anymore. So you win, okay? Here! (Hands him the 50 bucks he's about to owe him.) Pheebs? Flying a jet? Better make it a spaceship so that you can get back to your home planet! And Ross, phone call for you today, Tom Jones, he wants his pants back! And Hornswoggle? What are you dating a character from Fraggile Rock?! (He sits down and sighs in relief.)
Phoebe: Oh-okay, I get the game now.
The Second Guest: We went to college with both of them and now we live next door.
Joey: Me too. I mean I havent thought at all about how I put myself out there and said all that stuff and how you didnt feel the same way about me and-and how it was really awkward.
MR. GELLER: What? I'm kidding. You know I'd never let him touch the Porsche.
Phoebe: Damn it woman, pull yourself together! Have some pride, for the love of God.
Joey: Not a problem. And listen, hey! Since you're gonna be here for a while, why don'tI was thinking we uh, put your name on the answering machine.
(Rachel looks all around as if all the eyes in the chapel were looking at her as the picture fades to black.)
Rachel: Oh yeah, I know, but the garbage was full.
Rachel: Oh, I have to go pee. Apparently this baby thinks that my bladder is a squeeze toy. (Goes to the bathroom.)
Joey: Okay, I know it sounds crazy, but I think it might work. Yknow? The only problem is, Carls acting is (Does the international hand symbol for so-so.)
(Phoebe enters, walks to the couch, sits down, and begins to read a letter without saying hi.)
CHANDLER: You couldn't have told me about this on the phone?
[Scene: Treegers apartment, Joey knocks and Mr. Treeger opens the door.]
Chandler: Okay. (Sees the living room.) You opened all the presents without me?! I thought we were supposed to do that together!
Ross: So you gonna invite us all to the big opening?
The Casting Director: Wait Joey! You didnt need to come down because the director saw your tape from yesterday and loved it.
Janice: Okay, you know, one of two things is happening here. Either you're seeing somebody behind my back, which would make you the biggest jerk on the planet. Or, else you're pretending that you're seeing somebody, which just makes you so pathetic that I could start crying right here in the cereal aisle. So like which of these two guys do you want to be? (another guy walks by)
[Scene: The Gellers kitchen, Phoebe is bringing in some dirty dishes.]
Richards Date: Were still on this side of the door.
(Rachel turns and looks at the group on the couch and they move over. Chandler measures the room theyve made with his arm and decides its not enough and they all move over again.)
Phoebe: Oh, Ill get it. (goes over to the door.)
Kate: Look umm, I, I was, I was just caught up in the moment. Thats all it was. Joey, Im-Im sorry you feel bad, but havent you ever sleep with a women where it meant more to her than it did to you?
Chandler: Don't think of it as a cigarette. Think of it as the thing that's been missing from your hand. When you're holding it, you feel right. You feel complete.
[Scene: Chandler and Eddie's apartment. Chandler is at the foosball table trying to get Phoebe to play a game with him.]
Monica: Guys, hurry up! The flight leaves in four hours! It could take time to get a taxi! There could be traffic! The plane could leave early! When we get to London, there could be a line at customs! Come on!! (She runs back to her apartment.)
Joey: I suddenly had the feeling that I was falling. But I'm not.
(Chandler goes into the apartment, while Joey checks his ticket and is embarrassed by his stupid mistake.)
[Scene: Max and David's lab, they are working. Phoebe knocks on the door]
(Phoebe moves in the dressing room from which Charlie went out)
Monica: Oh well umm, I make it myself! Its two parts ammonia and one part lemon juice. And now the secret ingredient is yknow what? We just met.
Monica: Oh wait, wait, unless you happened to catch the Reruns' production of Pinocchio, at the little theater in the park.
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is sitting on the couch as Monica enters.]
JOEY: Oh come on. Nobody likes two different kinds of eggs equally. You like one better than the other and I wanna know which.
Joey: If you want, Ill sell my friends and use the money to buy you presents.
Chandler: (shocked at the news) Why cant I tell them that we live together?
Jill: So who made her queen of the world?
Joey: What the hell does a paleontologist need a beeper for?
Monica: I'll take it down to 95% but that's the best I can do.
[cut back to Joey on the beach towel]
Chandler: No, I invited him to dinner so you could get a chance to get to know him! I mean, if we go through a sperm bank you never meet the guy, get to check him out.
Rachel: Did you tell the doctor you did it jumping up and down on your bed?
Rachel: Anyway, um, (Gets the ring out of her purse.) I guess this belongs to you. And thank you for giving it to me.
(Emily spins the bottle and it lands on Joey.)
Rachel: Alright, Monica, I want you to have the first taste.
Phoebe: Yeah. Candys the mother, Cookies the daughter. The fathers also Cookie. Why am I friends with these people?
Monica: All right, half the people. I mean, just try it and see.
Chandler: I love you too. (Monica and Chandler kiss. He turns to Joey.) And... I like you as a friend. (They hug and pat each other on the back.)
Chandler: Hey Ross, I was wondering if Oh my God!! Where are all the men???
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the whole gang is there including Janice, theyre watching Happy Days.]
[They sit up, moaning in excitement, and Cheryl straddles Ross. Ross finds a slice of bologna and moans higher and louder, then a bag of potato chips on the coffee table starts to move. Ross throws Cheryl off his lap, grabs a tennis racket and a toilet brush and starts pounding the bag.]
Ross: Oh my God, the wedding book?! I havent seen that since the forth grade!
(somebody knocks the door, Joey opens and it's Charlie)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the gang is there eating breakfast. Chandler is cleaning out his wallet.]
Joey: Hey babies! Oh, Im having the best morning. That uh, that Porsche Ive got the keys too, still there!
CHAN: I had about a mugful in this lovely 'I got boned at the Museum of Natural History' mug.
(They start towards the door but are stopped when Mr. Zelner enters.)
Phoebe: (taking his coffee) Okay, whatever you say. But just be careful, all right? Rachels not in the same place you are.
JOEY: Well, I couldn't do it. I told her I didn't want to get the part that way.
[Scene: Chandlers bedroom, Chandler is listening to the hypnosis tape.]
Rachel: Oh, honey, I'm sure there's nothing wrong with the plane.
Monica: Okay. (They kiss.) Okay, I cant wait! This is going to be the best Valentines Day ever! (Chandler giggles and exits.) I cant believe it! Make the presents! Make the presents!
Monica: (calling from the bathroom) Is someone there?
Ross: Hey guys, does anybody know a good date place in the neighborhood?
Doctor: And here it is! (The baby cries.)
Joey: (grabs the window from the outside and sticks his head in) (whispering) When is she leaving?
[Scene: the bar, Phoebe is still hugging Ross.]
All: I dont have anything. (All of the rest of the women there hide their gifts behind their backs.)
Joey: Really? It sounds exactly the same to me.
Chandler: I dont know, Monica picked out the flowers.
Mr. Geller: (embarrassed) Judy, the kids..
(Cut back to Joey and Angela at the counter.)
(Joey walks in and moves towards Ross, who's sitting of the sofa)
Chandler: (sticking his head in the door) Okay to come in?
Janice: Uh-oh, I feel another one coming. (She makes a sound like a goose during the contraction.)
(Rachel motions for Ross to close the privacy screen, which he does.)
Danny: So you like the short hair better.
(Joey nods yes, but suddenly realizes what he did and runs out of the apartment and back to his place.)
[Scene: Ross and Rachel's apartment.� Mike is blowing a note from his beer bottle.� Ross stares off to the side.)
Joey: Well, maybe we can just tip the table a little.
Gary: Let me tell you what I think might be going on. (Phoebe looks down in shame.) No-no-no, don't look at the table. Look at me. (Points to his eyes and she does so) Okay, I think somebody asked someone to move in with them. And I think someone said, "Yes" but now she's having doubts because things are moving to fast for someone. Does that sound at all possible to you?
Chandler: Thats great, but shouldnt you be on the toilet right now?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is taking a jar of olives out of the fridge.]
Ross: (tapping her on the shoulder) Phoebe? Phoebe?
(Rachel is still at the restaurant, but Steve is gone.)
(Monica opens the door for Dr. Mitchell and Dr. Geoffrey.)
The Interviewer: So, thats it. I guess thats all I need. Thank you so much. I think they will be running this in the beginning of next month.
Rachel: Ohh, I'm gonna be on the news!
Ross: Well each tell you how we came up with the joke and then you decide which one of us is telling the truthme.
(The guys hotel room. Joeys there. Chandler comes out of the bathroom in a robe.)
Monica: You may be okay about getting hurt, but I am not okay with being the one who hurts you. Thats why I cant take this job.
Joey: No thats not what I was going to say at all. No, what I was going to say is when youre 90 youll still have the memory of what it was like to be with a 20-year-old.
Chandler: Oh, will you give me the thing. (Snatches the camera)
(Emily spins the bottle and once again, it lands on Joey.)
Phoebe: I love the license plate game!
(The phone rings and Monica answers it as Rachel goes into the bathroom.)
(He takes her hands in his and kisses each one, then kisses her on the lips. When the break the kiss, Rachel starts to get nauseous and throw up. Joey backs away in horror.)
Chandler: (whispering in Joeys ear) The reason he just said.
Rachel: She wants to move in with me and Ross to help take care of the baby.
Monica: It is not over because she is going to call you and tell you she loves you. And the reason why she couldnt, is because her feelings were so strong, it scared her. Now you go home and wait for her call, she could be calling you from the plane! Come on now go! Go! (Tries to push Ross out the door.)
Monica: Pretty much. (to Joey) So, what do you, what do you think of the floor?