words in movies
(There is a knock at the door. Someone turns the music off, then the whole party runs and hides, except for Monica and Rachel who answer their door. Ross stands in the doorway, holding a box, but everyone is too keyed up to notice that it's him.)
Rachel (as Monica): You know what, it's feeling a lot better, thank you, um... Well, listen, why don't you two sit down and, and we'll get you some glasses... okay... (They don't know what to do with their coats and Monica points to the living room) STAT!
(Back at the couch, Dr. Mitchell and Dr. Rosen have concerns of their own.)
(Rachel lets her anger show too. Hideously embarrassed, the doctors drain their glasses in the vicious pause which follows. The telephone rings, but the girls just glower at each other, silently daring the other to move first. Finally both guys jump up, and Michael wins.)
(Ross resumes his patrol when his best friend and sister walk up and start to take off their coats, but they stop when they see him.)
Ross: Come on, you made coffee! You can do anything! (Chandler slowly tries to hide the now dead plant from that morning when he and Joey poured their coffee into it.)
Chandler: Im totally screwed. Okay, they are gonna be hot and heavy on stage every night, and then theyre gonna go to their cast parties and hes gonna try to undermine me. Y'know itll be like, "So wheres your boyfriend, whats-his-name, Chester?" And shell go, "No-no-no, its Chandler." And hell go, "Whatever. Ha-ha-ha-ha!"
(Rachel and Ross turn around and look at Phoebe and Joey with puzzled expressions on their faces.)
BOTH: [both extend the footrests] Aaahhhh. [both recline their chairs] AAAAHHHHHH.
Chandler: Guys are signing over their 401-Ks to me?
(They click their glasses and take a sip. That sip turns into a gulp, which quickly progresses into their mutual draining of their glasses at once.)
Joey: Oh! Hey, somebody left their keys. (Looks at them) Ooohh, to a Porsche! {Transcribers note: Oh come on! Who would leave the keys to their Porsche behind? If I had a Porsche, Id have the keys surgically attached to my hand!} Hey Gunther, these yours?
Phoebe: No, no, I am against innocent trees being cut down in their prime, and their, their corpses grotesquely dressed in like tinsel and twinkly lights. (to Joey) Hey, how do you sleep at night?
(They realize the implication of their behavior, stop instantly and head for his bedroom. In the meanwhile, Joey is starring at Rachel in a seductive way.)
(They hang up their coats and scarves, then approach their friends on the main sofa.)
[Scene: Their building's lobby, Danny is checking his mailbox as Rachel enters carrying shopping bags and goes to her mailbox. Danny has shaved his beard and cut his hair, Rachel doesn't recognize him.]
(They start to go into Monica and Rachels, their apartment is filled with all of the old Christmas trees from Joeys work.)
CHAN: Ok, all right, look. Let's get logical about this, ok? We'll make a list. Rachel and Julie, pros and cons. Oh. We'll put their names in bold, with different fonts, and I can use different colors for each column.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone has just finished Thanksgiving dinner and are groaning over their fullness.]
Chandler: Oh, those places! There's always so many people, their being corralled like cattle, and... you know, there's always some idiot who goes "Mooooo"!
[They walk to the kitchen; everyone is lowering their voices]
Chandler: Its not just their marriage! I mean, look at yours. Look at everybodys! The only person that can make marriage work is Paul Newman! And Ive met me; I am not Paul Newman. I dont race cars! I dont make popcorn! None of my proceeds go to charity.
[Scene: Ross and Rachel's apartment. Rachel and Sandy sit on the couch. Sandy holds Emma. Ross enters the apartment. Sandy and Rachel wipe their tears away with handkerchiefs]
[Cut to the casino, a very drunk and doodled on Rachel is walking arm in arm with an equally drunk and doodled on Ross are walking through the casino and greeting people on their way through. Ross has some whiskers and his nose colored in, along with his name on his forehead.]
(Both Rachel and Monica walk into their bedrooms, stop, and come back into the living room with confused looks on their faces.)
Ross: I was their first born! They thought she was barren! Its not my fault.
Joey: (clinks his glass) Id like to propose a toast. To Monica and Chandler, the greatest couple in the world. And my best friends. Now, my when I first found out they were getting married I was, I was a little angry. I was like, (overly angry) "Why God? Why? How can you take them away from me?!" But then I thought back over all our memories together, some happy memories. (Does a fake laugh.) And-and there was some sad memories. (Starts to break down and cry.) Im sorry. And-and some scared memoriesWhoa! (He jumps back, startled.) Eh? And then, and then I realized Ill always be their friend, their friend who can speak in many dialects and has training in stage combat and is willing to do partial nudity. (Starts to walk away, but realizes something.) Oh! To the happy couple!
Rachel: So hot I cried myself to sleep last night. (Joey and Chandler clap their hands)
Emily: Oh, no-no-no, thats not rude! Its perfectly in keeping with a trip that Ive already been run down by one of your wiener carts, and been strip-searched at John F. Kennedy Airport, apparently to you people, I look like someone whos got a balloon full of cocaine stuffed up their bum.
Ross: Well, not right now. Okay look, Monica came here for some memories and damnit, were gonna give her some! Okay, grab grab some empty boxes. Okay? Well-well take stuff from mine and whatever we can pass off as hers well-well put em in their.
Chandler: Oh hey! There's some kids playing in the street, you wanna go down there and give them a project, ruin their day?
The Pastor: Could everyone please take their seats?
Phoebe: It's nothing, it's just- Okay. I'm going through my mail, and I open up their monthly, you know, STATEMENT-
Joey: Wha-a how about this: Another table leaves, right? But there�s still some food left on their place, okay, what�s the restaurant�s policy about people eatin� that?
Mike: Well... I'll... just show you what I'm gonna do about it... (he hits David's finger with his finger and they start to finger-fight using their fingers as swords saying all kinds of macho crap)
Phoebe: Yeah but the Swing Kings? Yknow they suck so much that people actually die at their concertsThey just stop living.
[Scene: Delmonico's restaurant. Ross and Joey are sitting at a table for four. The waiter is pouring water in their glasses.]
Monica and Ross: (holding both of their hands above their heads making rabbit ears with their fingers.) Bunny!
ROSS: I've no idea, could be. Listen, I'm sorry I had to work tonight. RACHEL: Oh it's OK. You were worth the wait, and I don't just mean tonight. [they kiss] ROSS: You're not laughing. RACHEL: This time it's not so funny. [They kiss and start undressing. As Rachel tries to pull off Ross's tie she catches it in his mouth. Then they roll across the fur rug.] RACHEL: Ah, oh God. Oh, honey, oh that's OK. ROSS: What. Oh no, you just rolled over the juice box. RACHEL: Oh, thank God. [Scene: Museum of Natural History. The next morning Rachel and Ross are sleeping in the display under a fur.] ROSS: Hi. RACHEL: Hi you. I can't believe I'm waking up next to you. ROSS: I know it is pretty unbelievaaaaah. RACHEL: What? ROSS: We're not alone. [A church youth group is outside the display watching them] CLOSING CREDITS [Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. They are still in their chairs, watching Beavis and Butthead.] [they're laughing along with the show when an alarm goes off] JOEY: Is that the fire alarm? CHANDLER: Yeah. [feels the floor] Oh it's not warm yet, we still have time. JOEY: Cool.
Phoebe: Yeah, but theres a two-year wait. And then what if you get engaged in two years and then you got to wait another two years for this place. Thats four years. Chandlers not gonna wait that long. Hes gonna find somebody else, yknow? Someone, someone who did put their name on the list. (Rachel agrees.)
(They clink beer bottles, and drink.� Then, they stare uncomfortably at their bottles.)
<Rachel and Amy 'fighting'.. They're really just trying to slap each other and just keep slapping their hands>
(They shake hands and their lines overlap.)
(They quickly take their places and Here Comes the Bride Begins to play. Everyone seated looks back. Emily is being escorted up the aisle by her father. She kisses him on the cheek and takes her place by Rosss side.)
Monica: Well, I thought this would be a great opportunity to use up all the food that I don't want to move to the new house with me! So, enjoy: smoke oyster casserole with a breakfast cereal crust, kidney beans in their own juices, and for dessert, a questionable orange.
[Cut to Monica and Rachel at their table.]
[Scene: Monicas Bedroom, Monica and Phoebe are removing the rest of their wax strips.]
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Ross, and Chandler are making a pit stop on their party tour.]
[Scene: Their Building, Monica and Rachel are going to apologize to Danny. Rachel knocks on his door, which he opens and he has this really bushy beard and long hair. Picture Paul Bunyan.]
Joey: Yeah, the ah, trees that dont fulfil their Christmas destiny are thrown in the chipper.
CHANDLER: Would you come on! Come on! [waitress brings their coffee] Thank you.
Monica: Ross and Rachel don't know what they're talking about. I mean its not like their so responsible. Emma is a product of a bottle of Merlot and a five year old condom.
LITTLE BULLY: Look, here's what we'll do. We'll put all keys and watches in the hat over there. Alright. [they all put their keys and watches in the hat and put it on a mail box] Alright, c'mon man, let's do this.
(They all say to Monica, clink their glasses, and drink.)
Phoebe: Whoa!! He is soo unreasonable! God, although I think I understand what he means. Oh my God, this is like 60 Minutes, okay, when, when, at first youre really mad at that pharmaceutical company for making the drug and then y'know you just feel bad for the people because they needed to make their hair grow.
Ross: Hey, y'know, Mon, if things wrong out between you and Richards son, youd be able to tell your kids, that you slept with their grandfather.
Monica: Why would I say anything? That two of our best friends could start the greatest love affair of their lives! And they would have me to thank, and we could all start having babies?
Phoebe: Oh, I-I gave them the puppy and it made them so happy that I decided Im gonna carry their baby.
(She throws them into the kitchen and Rachel picks them up with the handle of a large spoon. Chandler and Monica have horrified looks on their faces.)
Joey: In my spare time I uh, read to the blind. And Im also a mento for the kids.(The gang shake their heads.) Yknow a mento, a role model. (Chandler bites his fist to keep from talking.)
[Scene: An airplane cabin, Ross and Rachel are both reading as a guy stops by their row.]
PHOEBE: C'mon you guys. It's a known fact that lobsters fall in love and mate for life. You know what, you can actually see old lobster couples walkin' around their tank, ya know, holding claws like. . .
The Teacher: Oh, their number is on the contact sheet.
[Thus starts another series of flashbacks all dealing with the pressure the rest of the Friends have to deal with in their jobs. The first flashback is from The One With The Stoned Guy.]
Phoebe: All in good time my love. All in good time. Oh shoot! I left my guitar in their apartment. Well you can let me in later.
Ross: (a little embarassed by their conversation) I'm good, I have dinner plans (moves away from them).
Joey: But I-I-I cant stay too long, I gotta get up early for a commercial audition tomorrow and I gotta look good. Im supposed to be playing a 19-year-old. (Everyone stops in their tracks upon hearing this.) What?
(Joey, Monica, and Ross all point to their lips to get Rachel to once again notice the ink on her lip.)
Monica: I guess theyre back from their date.
(Rachel, Ross and Phoebe have their hands full and are stuffing all kinds of things down Joeys pants.)
(Ross and Chandler have stunned looks on their faces as Kathy and her co-star start making out.)
PHOEBE: Maybe the overlords needed them to steer their spacecrafts.
Phoebe: Ewww! And "Oh no!" Itsthey just want me to be the surrogate. Its her-its her egg and her sperm, and Im-Im just the oven, its totally their bun.
(They start trying to trade babies while holding one each. They have no idea how to do it, so they just shift the babies around in their arms. They give up pretty quickly.)
Joey: All right, all right. (he comes out from their apartment with a huge sandwich in his hand)
(Monica and Rachel both cover their eyes)
(Joey and Richard both wipe their faces and are given towels.)
Rachel: Okay! Okay wait! You listen to me! You listen to me! Since I have been waiting four women, thats four, one higher than the number of centimeters that I am dilated, have come and gone with their babies! Im next! Its my turn! Its only fair! And if you bring in one woman and she has her baby before me Im going to sue you! Not this hospital, Im going to sue you! And my husband (Points at Ross) hes a lawyer!
(They both go into their rooms and after a little while Rachel pokes her head into the living room.)
[Scene: Ross and Carol's, Ross and Carol are waiting anxiously for their new partner to arrive.]
[Cut to Monica and Ross leaving Joey and Chandlers hotel room in London. As they exit Joey and Chandler enter from the bathroom with both of their pants down around their ankles.]
Joey: (entering) Hey guys! (Sees their state of undress) What 'cha been doin'? (Has a silly grin.)
(Monica enters from their apartment, crying)
(They open their eyes and are stunned at the van.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is greeting her Father for their brunch.]
(Ross and Joey both reach down and pull up their pants.)
(Chandler, Monica, Joey, and Phoebe back their chairs away from the table.)
[Cut to Chloe and Ross dancing, and their kiss.]
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment. They're done and come out of their bedroom. Emma is still gone.]
[Scene: Rachels birthday, everyone is presenting their presents to Rachel.]
Joey: They're so small! (Both he and Ross look at them with satisfied looks on their faces.)
Chandler: I just think that things would go a lot smoother if we each have our own zone. Phoebe, you can be in charge of wiping. And yknow Mon, you can be in charge of diapering and I can be in charge of looking how cute they are when they put their hands around (He degrades into baby talk, but he means when they grab his finger.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Joey and Chandler are giving out their Christmas presents out of a cardboard box from a case of motor oil.]
Ross: Uh, they don't like it when you correct their grammar.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Phoebe are telling everyone about their coma guy.]
Monica: No, they were really cool. They were on their honeymoon too!
[Scene: Grammercy Bistero, Ross and Kristen are waiting for their table to be ready. Ross is returning from talking to the matired.]
[Scene: Ross and his date walk into a lobby. They are both wearing their jackets]
Janice: (Ross is still taking their photo) Oh, I'm gonna blow this one up, and I'm gonna write 'Reunited' in glitter.
Rachel: What?! Wait! What are you talking about?! You love their Kung Pao Chicken!
Chandler: ...Take off their hats!
(Seeing Rachels apparently okay with this, the rest of the gang jumps up to congratulate Ross and Emily on their pending nuptials.)
Joey: Even nicer when everyone gets to wear their underwear..
Chandler: He's not right for the part. So if I suggest him, my bosses are gonna think I'm an idiot! And that's something they should learn on their own!