words in movies
[The gang is walking to a newsstand late at night. Joey is anxiously in the lead.]
CHAN: Does anyone have one from a different paper? Ross, read yours.
JOEY: Maybe they do. I've been doin' this ten years and I haven't gotten anywhere. There's gotta be a reason.
MNCA: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait one minute. Wait a minute. I believe this will change your mind. [Reads from paper] In a mediocre play, Joseph Tribbiana was able to achieve brilliant new levels of... continued on page 153...[turns it] sucking.
JOEY: When I was little, I wanted to be a veteranarian, but then I found out you had to put your hands into cows and stuff.
ROSS: Yeah, yeah, just a tough day at work. A stegosaurus fell over and trapped a kid. Whoa, whoa, I know this jacket, this is, th--Fun Bobby's jacket! Where is he, what. He, he's here, isn't he?
RACH: We went through a lot of wine tonight, you guys. [walks over to table, holding five empty wine bottles]
JOEY: I just had a glass.
CHAN: I had about a mugful in this lovely 'I got boned at the Museum of Natural History' mug.
JOEY: [realizing what everyone else did a minute ago] Ooooooh.
MNCA: So what. So he drank a lot tonight.
ROSS: Yeah but, you know, now that I think about it, I don't think I've ever seen Fun Bobby without a... a drink in his hand.
MNCA: Well, we just happen to go to alot of places where you might drink. I mean, how do you go to a wine tasting without having a drink? Or... or to a club, or to the... zoo.
[Scene: Monica, Fun Bobby, and Phoebe sitting in Central Perk Rachel is serving them. She brings a mug to Monica.]
MNCA: [takes a sip] Mmmm, no.
FBOB: [pulls out a flask] Whattaya say we make these, uh, coffees Irish?
FBOB: OK, look, this isn't the first time somebody's said something to me about this, but, I don't know... I always made excuses about it, like... uhhh... 'I'm just a social drinker,' or, 'C'mon, it's Flag Day.'
PHOE: Oh, well, we have to celebrate. You know what we should do? We should do, like, a soap opera theme.
RACH: Yeah... I, uhh... I have a... I have a date.
JOEY: With a man?
RACH: What? What is so strange about me having a date?
[Russ enters Central Perk. He looks like Ross, except for his chin and hair (it is David Schwimmer in a dual role).]
ESTL: Stop saying you're not talented, you're very talented. It's just with the bird dead and all, there's very little act left. Oh, honey, give me a break, will ya? [a knock on the door] Oooh, ooh, I'll talk to you later.
JOEY: Well, I think it went pretty well. I.. I got a callback for Thursday.
ESTL: Oh, isn't Lori a doll?
ESTL: Oh, I see. Well, I'm just gonna put in a call here and we'll find out what's goin' on and straighten it out. [picks up the phone] Yeah, hi, Lori please. [pause] Hi darling. So how 'bout Joey Tribbiani for the part of the cab driver, isn't he terrific? [pause] Uh-huuuuh. [pause] Uh-huuuuh. OK, doll. Talk to you later. [hangs up] [to Joey] Yeah, you're gonna have to sleep with her.
MNCA: Oh, he's sober alright. Just turns out that Fun Bobby was fun for a reason.
FBOB: I needed to buy a hammer the other night, and I'm out walkin' around the neighborhood but apparently there are no hardware stores open past midnight in the Village.
MNCA: She's just upset because she, uh, she buttered a spider into her toast this morning.
RUSS: Are you a, uh, friend of Rachel's?
ROSS: Yes, yes I am. Are you a, uh, a friend of Rachel's?
RUSS: Actually, I'm a... kind of a.... you know, a... date-type... thing... of Rachel's.
ROSS: A date.
CHAN: You know, this is actually good, because if we ever lose Ross, we have a spare.
ROSS: Yes, yes I am. And you are a....
ROSS: Well, I am going to, uh... get a beverage. It was nice, nice... uh... meeting you.
ROSS: Well, uh, for your information, there's a woman at the museum, who's curator of moths and other... uh... winged things... who's, uh, let it be known that she is drawn to me much like a... well, you know. But so far I've been keeping her at bay, but, uh, if this is the deal...
ROSS: OK, well, um, have a nice evening.
ROSS: See what? I don't know what she sees in... innn that goober. And it takes him, what? Like... like... I don't know, uhh... uhhh, hello.... a... week, to get out a sentence.
JOEY: Ten years I've been waiting for a break like this Chandler, ten years! I mean, Days of Our Lives. That's actually on television.
CHAN: Well, I... I've got a pop-up book that told me everything I need to know.
JOEY: I've never slept with someone for a part.
CHAN: Well is she... [reaches into the cookie jar for a cookie, takes his hand out, covered with pasta sauce]
JOEY: Yeah, she's totally good looking. I mean, if I met her in a bar, or something, I'd be buying her breakfast. [pause] You know, after having slept with her.
CHAN: Y'know, maybe this isn't such a big deal. Y'know, I mean, the way that I see it is you get a great job and you get to have sex. Y'know, I mean, throw in a tree and a fat guy and you've got Christmas.
[Scene: A restaurant. Fun Bobby and Monica are ordering.]
MNCA: [grabs waiter as he's leaving] I'd like a scotch on the rocks with a twist.
[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler is sitting on the couch between Russ and Ross, doing a crossword puzzle.]
ROSS: [to Russ] For your information, it's a card sharp, not a card shark.
RUSS: You're jealous because I'm a real doctor.
ROSS: Hey, you're a doctor of gums. That's the smallest body part you can major in. It's like day one, floss. Day two, here's your diploma.
CHAN: No, I don't even think he knew. Hey, would you sleep with somebody to get a great job?
[Monica pulls out a bag full of airline bottles of liquor.]
MNCA: Hi. I'll be ready in just a second.
FBOB: Uh, can I talk to you a minute?
FBOB: I think you may have a drinking problem.
FBOB: Look, I am just not strong enough to be in a codependent relationship right now, OK?
CHAN: I'll take one. Sometimes I like to hold stuff like this and pretend I'm a giant.
Rachel: Okay, a thousand.
Monica: Wow! You made a profit!
Chandler: Okay, but there is a big difference. You are a lot hotter than I am.
Phoebe: I couldn't tell him no. He got so sad. Maybe it'll be all right. I do really like him a lot and probably do it eventually anyway and plus, think of all the money I'll save on stamps.
Gary: Wait, just a second.
Phoebe: He shot a bird!
Joey: Dude, you should've gone out once and a while.
Gary: (To Phoebe) Hi sweetie. (Kisses her.) Hi, can I talk to you for a second?
Phoebe: Oh, well, it doesnt have a nameoh, okay, Phoebeball! No, it doesnt have a name. Umm, okay, Monica, what is your favourite thing about trees?
Rachel: Well, my eye is a little itchy.
Monica: Listen, we dont have to make that a guest room, we can think of something to do with the room together.
Chandler: Come on! Gary's such a great guy! Whatever the problem is, you can work it out!
Monica: Boy, I love carrots! Oh! (She picks up a bunch of them and holds them between her fingers.) Sometimes I like to put them between my fingers like this and-and hold them down here while I talk to you. (She is rubbing her hip with the carrots.) Umm, and-and-and y'know if I get really hot umm, I-I like to pick up this knife (She picks up a knife without putting the box down. She's holding the box between her cheek and shoulder) and-and umm, I-I put the cold steal against umm, (Pause) my body. (She doesn't have any exposed skin within reach of the knife, so while holding the carrots in one hand and the box between her face and shoulder, she rubs the knife on her stomach.)
Phoebe: Ohh, give him a kiss for me!
Joey: (entering, depressed) Hey. I just got off the phone with Estelle and guess what. (Pause, then very excitedly) I GOT THE LEAD IN A MOVIE!!!!!!
Chandler: You got the lead in a movie? That's amazing! What's the movie about?!
Phoebe: Uh, it's a piece of paper and it says, "Ross" on it.
Chandler: Thats a great idea! We can easily think of a way for us both to enjoy the room.
Joey: No-no, stay right there. (Monica stops and Joey flips her a pancake, which flies over her head and lands in the living room.) Gettin closer.
Joey: I can't decide which route to take to Vegas. Hey, you've traveled a lot right?
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is reading a map as Phoebe enters.]
Ross: Yeah. He could row like a viking.
Joey: A swimmer!
Phoebe: Good, but wait. Okay, all right, here we go. Now I want you to relax. Take a deep breath. Clear your mind. (Quickly) Which do you like better peanut butter or egg whites?
The Doctor: I'm Dr. Miller. Monica told me you were a little nervous, but don't worry everything's gonna be just fine.
Joshua: Umm, this may be a little weird, but I-I-I got a date here.
Monica: A small puff of air, now come on!
Dr. Miller: And I'll fit you for a glass eye.
Monica: I sure do! (She runs over to a drawer, opens it, and grabs a lollipop.) (To Rachel) And you don't get one!
Rachel: Y'know, I-I gotta tell ya, those eye drops are a miracle. My eye is a 100% better.
Chandler: Yeah, listen, how cold is it going to be there? Do I need a coat or will all these sweater vests be enough? (Holds up 3 of them in different colors.)
CHANDLER: Hey, no, I've never been lower or wetter. I'll be fine. I'll just turn your, uh, bedroom into a game room or somethin', you know, put the foosball table in there.
Chandler: Hey, so where are we staying? Is the movie putting us up in a big hotel suite?
Joey: Oh, yeah, totally! Thats such a turn-on!
Monica: He's a dropper!
Joey: Uh no, not really. It's an independent film y'know? So we don't have a real big budget. I figured I'd just stay in your room.
Phoebe: Thanks a lot! I just got that jerk out of my mind!
Joey: Shhh! This is a museum, no talking. Right down here, (Motions to a fossilised dinosaur foot.) we have a large foot. (Sees Ross working in one of the display cases.) Uhh, and over here we have Ross Geller. (Knocks on the glass) Everyone wave Hi to Ross. Ross is one of our most important scientists, look at him, hard at work. (Ross does the old "Putting a cigarette in your ear and pulling it out of your mouth trick.") Okay, moving right along. Come on.
(Rachel throws the alcohol in the fire. A burst of flames shoots up from it.)
[Scene: Richards bedroom, Monica has covered it in rose pedals and candles. We hear Richard come in to the apartment, and Monica frantically throws the rest of the pedals on the bed, and jumps onto the bed and puts a rose in her mouth, and bites a thorn.]
Joey: What are you talking about?! I'm the lead in a movie!
Chandler: They're not even paying ya! This doesn't even sound like a real movie!
Joey: You don't think this is going to be a big break for me?
Chandler: All right, I'll tell ya what, the next time you ask me a question like that I'll lie.
Phoebe: Umm, no thank you. (She gets up and moves to the couch. They were at a table previously.)
Rachel: Oh, did you beat him at a board game? He turns into such a baby when he starts to lose.
Chandler: I don't know! He went crazy! Y'know, we were playing that game where you-you ask a question and you answer it really fast.
Phoebe: Oh that's my grandma. (Joey holds the box away from him.) And thanks Joey she's having a really great time. (Joey is happy now.)
Chandler: Is that a problem?
Monica: Yeah, she's here. Hold on a second. (She hands the phone to Phoebe.)
Chandler: That's a good idea. I wonder where I could (Pause) get a basket of porn
Joey: Don't worry, it's out there! (Just then a horn honks and Joey quickly looks at the road.) I think I just need lunch.
Rachel: (reading a card) Okay, your band is playing at Arnolds, collect three cool points. Which means, I have five, and that means I get Joeys boxers!
Stanley: It's a money thing, we don't have any.
Monica: Well, its a set and they should probably stay together.
The Grip: These got left for ya. (He hands him a bunch of helium balloons.)
Monica: Hey Joey! Aww, you remembered even though you're a big star!
Doug: (entering) Uh, I gotta apologize for Kara's coffee. Y'know, I feel sorry for it if it ever got in a fight, it's not strong enough to defend itself. (Chandler does not laugh.) Did you hear what I said Bing?
Monica: Joey, what's it like on a movie set, huh? Do you have a dressing room? Do you have a chair with your name on it?
Joey: Everybody smile! (The picture is taken) Okay, thanks a lot! Enjoy your stay at Caesar's! We hope it's toga-rrific! (The family leaves.) Kill me. Kill me now.
Joey: Hey Pheebs! Listen, uh can you do me a favor? I forgot the pin number to my ATM card can, can you get it for me?
Joey: No! (She nods no to Chandler) Because he didn't believe in my movie! Which is a big mistake because it is real! Real!
A Casino Boss: Hey! Tribbiani! Get back to work! Break time's over!
A Tourist: (To Joey) Would you mind doing a picture with us?
Chandler: Forgive me? You haven't been taking my calls in a week!
Ross: I do have a newfound respect for life.
Phoebe: Oh, I can't believe you guys lasted a whole year!
Phoebe: On a totally different bet.
Monica: I got you a present!
Chandler: Maybe that's because she's a minion of the anti-Christ.
Chandler: It's a great idea. (They kiss)
Rachel: Well, I guess I could take a couple days off work.
Phoebe: Of course you can take a couple days off work because this trip includes me!
Ross: Oh, but I've got tickets to the Van Gogh exhibit! I've been waiting like a year for this.
Rachel: Okay. Yeah, that would be nice actually, to have the apartment to myself for a night.
Rachel: No! So I can be by myself. Y'know? Have a little alone time.
Chandler: Can I give you a present now?
Chandler: Yeah, I guess it's a little better now.
Monica: Okay, I umm, I ran into Richard yesterday and he asked me if I wanted to go for a bite and I did. The only reason I didn't tell you is because I knew you'd get mad and I didn't want to spoil our anniversary.
Chandler: Oh yeah! Yeah, so you-you bumped into Richard! You grabbed a bite! It's no big deal. (He still ain't happy.)
Rachel: Oh no, wait a minute, wait, I've got a presentation tomorrow. I can't miss that.
Rachel: (takes off her robe) Oh! Look what happened! {Don't get your hopes up guys, we only get to see her from the back or from the neck up. Its times like these I wish that the networks would broadcast some nudity other than Denis Franz's butt.} (In her head.) Huh, check me out! I'm in my kitchen naked! I'm picking up an orange. (Does so) I'm naked! (Goes into the living room) Lighting the candles, naked, and carefully. (She backs anything that might have a point like a candle on her body away.)
Monica: All right, that's a little sketch of the cake, umm some sample menus, umm y'know what I thought we would start out with Tuscan style finger food, and for music, here's an alphabetized list of all my CDs! I've highlighted the ones that would go really good with the food.
Ross: (entering) Hey! Okay! I got my passport, fresh socks, and a snake bite kit!
[Cut back to Monica and Rachel's apartment, Rachel is singing along with a song and dancing while facing the big picture window. Y'know, I think I'd pay real good money to be on the other side of that window!]
Ross: No! No! (Grabs his coat) No! (Grabs a shoe.) No-no-no-no. (Grabs the other one and heads for the door.)
Chandler: I don't see it that way. Okay? Because, I see two Monicas, the one that was my friend, who lived across the hall, and wanted to have a lot of babies and then the new Monica, who I just started to date. Now, who's to say what she wants?! Im right. I'm right. Am I right?
Phoebe: For 99 cents, I'd eat you. (Sees the casino) Okay, I can totally settle down here. It's got everything I could ever want, including Joey! Look! (Points to Joey in his gladiator suit posing for a picture with two old ladies.) Oh! Look! Hi!
Phoebe: Why are you dressed as a gladiator?
Rachel: Well obviously I wont be able to come, for those of you who havent checked their calendars today is my due date. Well yknow, I just want to take a moment and thank you guys for how great youve been during this time. I really couldnt have done it without you. And I have loved these last nine months! And even though I am so looking forward to the next part, I am really gonna miss being pregnant.
Joey: They uh director. Uhh, her. (Points to an old woman standing behind him. Who glares at him and walks off.) All right, all right, it's not a gladiator movie. I work here.
Chandler: No-no, that's okay, apparently there's a new policy where we don't have to share everything with everybody.
Rachel: That was her idea, I just gave her a nudge.
Phoebe: So you're a gladiator! Wow!
Mary Ellen: Wow, you're a lot nicer on 'Days of Our Lives'.
Chandler: There's not gonna be a next time! You can not ever see him again!
Stanley: I don't know. A week? Maybe two? The money will turn up! People will always wanna invest in movies! Hey, you're not rich are ya?
Joey: Whoa! Whoa! Guys! Please! Come on! Come on! This is obviously just a big misunderstanding.
Rachel: No, I don't! Ross, I think I'm just a more secure person than you are.
Ross: Uh-huh. But it was a first for the rest of my building.