words in movies
[Scene: The Wedding Chapel, continued from last season. Chandler and Monica are about to get married.]
(Suddenly the doors burst open, and ROSS AND RACHEL COME OUT ARM-IN-ARM!!!!! And Rachel's carrying a bouquet!!! THEY GOT MARRIED!!!!)
(She goes one way; he goes the other. The camera pans back to Chandler and Monica, and needless to say, they're standing there dumbstruck.)
(Chandler and Monica are stunned again.)
(Phoebe and Joey run back out and head towards the street.)
Phoebe: (to her) Hey! Dont you give me any of yourHey! (Sees Chandler and Monica standing there.)
Joey: Ross and Rachel left us a message saying they were getting married! Isnt that why you guys are here?
{Transcibers note: In case you havent heard, Courteney Cox got married to David Arquette during hiatus and changed her name to Courteney Cox Arquette. But David was a busy boy during the off season for not only did he marry but everyone else as well. For theyre all listed as Jennifer Aniston Arquette, Lisa Kudrow Arquette, in an interesting twist Matt LeBlanc Arquette, Matthew Perry Arquette, David Schwimmer Arquette, and even the creators of the show are now David Crane Arquette and Marta Kauffman Arquette. I just wonder what the new sleeping arrangements are }
Rachel: Ohhh! (Looks in the mirror and sees that she still has her mustache and groans.)
(Suddenly, theres movement beside her, startling her. Its Ross! He wakes up and they both start screaming in terror. Then they both grab their heads having aggravated their hangovers.)
Ross: And we didnt have sex.
(Rachel agrees with him and starts to get out of bed.)
Ross: (getting up) Tell me about it. (He sits up on the edge of the bed and has "Just Married" written on his back.)
Joey: Itll be great! We-we could talk, and play games! Huh? This could be our chance to like renew our friendship.
(Chandler and Monica enter.)
Chandler: So, has anyone talked to Dr. and Mrs. Geller yet?
Joey: Oh, heres where I win all my money back! (Gets up and heads for the buffet table with Chandler in tow.)
Joey: Sure! Whats up? (He grabs a plate and proceeds to load it with a huge pile of scrambled eggs. Chandler just stares at him and Joey reluctantly gives him a spoonful.)
Chandler: Monica and I almost got married last night.
Joey: Oh my God! Thats huge! (Hugs him.) Wait a minute, why come I wasnt invited? And who was going to be your best man? Dont say, "Ross." Do not say, "Ross."
Chandler: Look, I just dont think Monica and I are ready to get married yet! Yknow? I mean, I love her and everything but seeing Ross and Rachel coming out of that chapel was like a, like a wake-up call that Monica and I are moving so fast. Yknow? And, how do I tell her without crushing her?
Joey: Girls say it to me all the time! And believe me, if shes anything like me, shes just gonna be relieved.
[Pan to Monica and Phoebe having the same conversation.]
(Ross and Rachel enter.)
(They both sit down and Rachel pours them both some coffee. Theyre acting like nothings happened and everyone is just staring at them.)
(They turn to look at each other and suddenly remember that they did in fact get married.)
Phoebe: Hell, Im drunk right now! (They all turn and look at her.) What? I cant have a mimosa with breakfast?! Im on vacation!
Phoebe: Yes you do! This is your third divorce! You love divorce so much youre probably gonna marry it! Then it wont work out and youre gonna have to divorce it, divorcing guy. (Pause) Im so drunk.
[Scene: The casino floor, Chandler and Monica are walking through it.]
Croupler: Eight! Easy eight. (She rolls a 3 and a 5 and theyre stunned.)
Monica: Ohh, of course we are! (They walk up to the elevators.) We left it up to fate. (Pushes the elevator button.) If we were supposed to get married there would be a clear-cut sign. (The elevator door opens to a priest reading from a bible with Chandler and Monica standing side-by-side holding each others hands.)
[Scene: Phoebes cab, Phoebe and Joey are driving back. Phoebe is driving while Joey is sleeping.]
Phoebe: Well, you promised me a fun road trip! Weve been on the road six hours and youve been asleep for five and a half! We are switching at the next rest stop and you are going to drive all the way back! That will be your punishment, you greedy sleeper!
Phoebe: Yeah! And until then you are going to sing to me because the radios broken and you are selfish but have a nice voice.
Joey: (starts singing) I wanna rock and roll all night! (Falls asleep.)
[Time lapse, Phoebe is asleep, Joeys driving and having a hard time staying awake.]
Joey: (to himself) Man, this is a long drive! Are my eyes open? No! (He opens his eyes and sees a hitchhiker.)
[Time lapse, Phoebe is still asleep only Joey is now passed out next to her and the cars still moving. She wakes up, sees Joey, and screams.]
Rachel: And I will make everyone call me Mrs. Geller!
Ross: Okay, look, how is this gonna affect you? Really? I mean you fill some form out once and a while and instead of checking the box that says Ms you check the box that says Mrs.! Its right next to it!
Rachel: Ohh, okay, Im sorry. Youre right. Yknow what? We absolutely can stay married, because I was under the impression that the boxes were far away from each other. All right, look, just please, take a moment here and think about what youre asking of me.
Ross: And as my wife I think you should grant me this favor.
Chandler: Well, I told you not to walk. Here. (Picks her up.) There. Okay. (He opens the door, carries her across the threshold, stops, backs out, and lets go of Monica who is only holding on by his neck.)
[Scene: Phoebes cab, shes driving, Joeys in the back seat, and the hitchhiker is riding up front with Phoebe.]
Phoebe: Yknow what? Im not talking to you! You go back to sleep! (To the hitchhiker) And you, are you a rapist?!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is entering.]
Ross: Listen, I know you wanted to talk to me, but I have an idea that may make you want to stay married. (Rachel shakes her head.) We register, and you get to keep all the presents!
Rachel: (thinks about it for a second) No! Ross, come on! No! Listen, look I thought a lot about how to tell you this and the bottom line, Ross, is we can not stay married.
Ross: Oh, okay, yknow what this is? This is a difference of opinion. And when that happens in a marriage...
(Ross turns and leaves.)
Hitchhiker: This is where I get off. Well, I have your address and phone number.
Phoebe: And I have your name and the fact that youre a drifter, so the balls pretty much in your court.
Hitchhiker: All right, see ya Pheebs. (Gets out and Phoebe drives away.)
Joey: Come on Pheebs! I cant take this anymore! Let-let me make it up to you. Huh? (Starts singing.) Ground control to Major Tom. Commencing countdown, engines on. Take your protein pills and put your helmet on!
Joey: Pheebs, I am so sorry! I know I promised you a fun road trip with your friend and I didnt deliver. But-but-but now I know that you think being awake is an important part of friendship! So, so, so I will strive to-to stay awake for as long as I know you.
Phoebe: You can still sleep at night and stuff.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler and Monica are there and Rachel is arranging a bouquet of flowers, pricks her finger on a thorn, throws the bouquet over her head, and those you who are quicker than some already know that Monica is the one who catches it.]
Monica: All right then, then nothing changes! Everything is great! Everything stays the same! And you go unpack because its been three days and its driving me insane!
Monica: Then youd be going back and forth all the time, I mean it doesnt make any sense.
Chandler: Okay. What if we lived together and you understand what Im saying?
(And the crowd goes wild! Well, at least the live studio audience.)
Monica: Heres your key. All right, you have to christen it! Now, go out and come back in!
Chandler: Okay, a little problem. The key broke in the lock and I cant get in!
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel and Phoebe are on the couch as Ross enters.]
[Scene: The hallway, Joey is coming up the stairs and sees Chandler trying to open the lock.]
Joey: I can fix it. Hold on. (He goes and gets a screwdriver from his apartment) Look out. Look out. (Pries at the door a little bit.)
(Joey goes back into the apartment, runs back into the hallway, throws his shoulder against the door, and knocks it down off its hinges.)
(Joey pats him on the stomach and heads to bed.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel are there. Monica is holding the wrapping paper from one of Rachel's gifts.]
Rachel: Monica, nothing has even happened yet, and you're already so...
Rachel: Because, I feel like I wouldn't just be going out with him. I would be going out with all of you. Oh, and there would just be all this pressure, and I don't wanna...
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's Balcony, Rachel is having drinks with her date, Carl.]
Joey: What, are you crazy? When a blind man gets his sight back, does he walk around like this? (Joey closes his eyes and walks around with arms spread.)
Michelle: All I ever wanted was just love him and have him love me back. I mean, am I so unlovable?
Rachel: If we broke up, and I lost you...
(Rachel, Monica, Ross and Chandler whip around for a second time, in formation.)
Ross: (pause) No. But... it only has to happen once. Look, you and I both know we are perfect for each other, right? I mean... so, the only question is... are you attracted to me?
(They kiss. Ross walks away, and then fades out.)
(Ross picks up the bag... then he and the woman kiss.)
Monica: (pointing at Rachel) De-caff. (to All) Okay, everybody, this is Rachel, another Lincoln High survivor. (to Rachel) This is everybody, this is Chandler, and Phoebe, and Joey, and- you remember my brother Ross?
(Chandler and Joey burst in, with Marcel)
(Monica and Phoebe get up and start celebrating in the kitchen, pouring wine and singing. Rachel, shocked, goes to join them.)
Ross and Julie: Can't wait.
[Scene: Estelle's memorial service. Joey is giving a speech. Next to him is a blown op photograph of Estelle behind her desk and there's a man standing next to him.]
Rachel: Okay. Okay fine, yknow what? We will let Ross and Joey decide. (Ross enters.) (In a sexy voice.) Hiiiii, Ross! Sweetie.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the gang is waiting for Rachel to return from the airport with Ross.]
Rachel: (to Chandler) You, you, you said he liked me. (Ross and Julie enter) You, you slowpokes!
Monica: I'm telling you, she went to the airport, and she's gonna go for it with Ross!
CHANDLER: Yes, and this with the cigarette butt in it, is that decaf?
Julie: And the spitting?
Ross: And bus.
Rachel: And the chicken pooped in her lap. Oh, I'm so sorry. I just gave away the ending, didn't I? Oh! It's just, I just heard this story in the cab, and it is all I can think about.
Julie: ...and this guy...
Julie: And then we've gotta get some sleep.
Joey: Yeah. Yeah, so what? (On phone) Look, I live across the street, (walking to the window) and I know all about you and your little telescope, and I don't appreciate it, okay? (Listens) Yeah, I can see you right now! (Listens) Hello! (Listens) If I wanna walk around my apartment in my underwear, I shouldn't have to feel like(Listens)Thank you, but... that's not really the point... (Listens) The point is that... (Listens) Mostly free weights, but occasionally..
Julie: Well, Ross and I were in grad school together.
Ross: Well, we just wanted to say a quick hi, and then we're gonna go see the baby.
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Chandler enter.]
(Ross and Julie exit)
Rachel: Okay... Let me put it this way. Anything from Crabtree and Evelyn?
Monica: We ripped that couple apart, and kept the pieces for ourselves.
[Cut to Phoebe and Monica in the kitchen.]
Ross: (on phone) Ok, ok, sweetheart, I'll see you later. Ok, bye. What? (Sits down next to Rachel) Oh, that is so sweet. No, no, ok, you hang up. Ok, ok, one, two, three. (Doesn't hang up and motions for Rachel to be quiet) Well you didn't hang up either.
Nurse: All right, all right, there's a few too many people in this room, and there's about to be one more, so anybody who's not an ex-husband or a lesbian life partner, out you go!
Rachel: (taking the phone and hanging it up) Sorry, I thought you were talking to me.
Phoebe: Oh, I love you Hexadrin! (She kisses the box.) Oh look! It comes with a story! (She pulls out the instructions and side affects paper.)
Phoebe: I know I'm not, but you are, and I was trying to spare your feelings.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the next morning.]
Rachel: Ok, Paulo, why don't you just go get dressed, and then you be on your way, ok, bye-bye. (Paulo goes into his room.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier.]
(Ross and Julie enter.)
Joey: Whoa, whoa. And the fact that you dumped him because he hit on Phoebe?
Monica: (to Phoebe) You know it's funny, the last time Paulo was here, my hair was so much shorter and cuter.
Phoebe: All right. (Talking to Monica's hair.) Now some of you are gonna get cut, and some of you aren't. But I promise none of you are gonna feel a thing.
Joey: Yeah, I want my tickets too (takes the bowl from Rachel)! And I'm buying the Knicks! And Steffi Graff, ah ah!
Phoebe: Well, he was a he in Arthur, and in Ten.
Joey: Look, I can sense when women are depressed and vulnerable. It's one of my gifts.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is recovering from her haircut, Phoebe is playing her doctor and is coming in from the bedroom.]
(He slowly measures it up his leg, and Chandler makes a rather surprised face.)
(They go into the bedroom leaving Joey and Rachel alone.)
Monica: I think this is so great! I mean, you and Ross! D-did you have any idea?
Chandler: Oh come on! He said he was going to do my inseam, and he ran his hand up my leg, and then, there was definite...
Joey: That's how they do pants! First they go up one side, they move it over, then they go up the other side, they move it back, and then they do the rear. (Chandler and Ross stare at him) What? Ross, Ross, would you tell him? Isn't that how they measure pants?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, later that day. Monica is now out and about.]
[Monica and Phoebe enter.]
Phoebe: (to Chandler and Ross) Thank you.
Chandler: Come on, Monica, things could be worse. You could get caught between the moon and New York City. I know it's crazy, but it's true.
Chandler: Come on, Ross? Remember back in college, when he fell in love with Carol and bought her that ridiculously expensive crystal duck?
Ross: Ok. Well, before I say anything, I just need to know, is this one of those things where you break up with a guy, and then I tell you what I think, and then the next day you get back together with the guy, and I look like a complete idiot?
Julie: Hi, but I'm not here, you haven't met me. I'll make a much better first impression tomorrow when I don't have 20 hours of cab and plane on me.
Rachel: Well, Joey probably thinks Ill just embarrass him. Yknow, he thinks Im some kind of a soap opera nutWhich Im not! Im not. Although I do know that your uh, your favorite ice cream flavor is butter pecan. (Starts stroking his arm) And uh, and that your-your dogs name is Wally. Well look at that, Im just stroking your arm.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Carol and Susan are showing off Ben to the gang.]
(They come to a door and silently agree to try it. A very sweaty woman emerges)
Monica: (entering from her bedroom carrying a present) Ok, these were unbelievably expensive, and I know he's gonna grow out of them in like, 20 minutes, but I couldn't resist. (There a little pair of Nike shoes.)
Aurora: 'We' would be me and Rick.
Rachel: (stopping him) Wh-whoa! All right, okay-okay, I see, I see what's going on here! Now listen, look-look, I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong impression, but I am not some hussy who will just sleep around to get ahead! Now even though I (He tries to interrupt and tell her about the ink), hey-hey-hey, even though I kissed you, that does not give you the right to demand sex from me. I do not want, this job that bad. Good day, sir. (She storms out of his office.)
Chandler: (on phone) Hey Mr. Kostelic! How's life on the fifteenth floor? (Listens) Yeah, I miss you too. (Listens) Yeah, it's a lot less satisfying to steal pens from your own home, you know? (Listens) Well, that's very generous (Listens) er, but look, this isn't about the money. I need something that's more than a job. I need something I can really care about.... (Listens) And that's on top of the yearly bonus structure you mentioned earlier? (Listens) Look, Al, Al... I'm not playing hardball here, OK? This is not a negotiation, this is a rejection! (Listens) No! No! No, stop saying numbers! I'm telling you, you've got the wrong guy! You've got the wrong guy! (Listens) I'll see you on Monday! (slams the phone down)
Annabelle: Nobody knows his name. Me and the girls just call him the Hombre man.
Chandler: And err, he informed me that uh, she took the news rather badly, in fact, he uh, mentioned the word frenzy.
Monica: Phoebe, listen. You were with me, and we were shopping all day.
(A man carrying a box of bananas walks past them. They stare for a minute and then hobble after him)
Rachel: Noooo... the interview! She loved me! She absolutely loved me. We talked for like two and a half hours, we have the same taste in clothes, andoh, I went to camp with her cousin... And, oh, the job is perfect. I can do this. I can do this well!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Carol is dropping Ben off for Ross to watch.]
Phoebe: Yes, and then I realized I'm against that, and uh, so then we bought some, (sees Monica pointing at her chest) uh, boobs.
Carol: Ok, and this is Funny Clown. Funny Clown is only for after his naps, not before his naps or he won't sleep.
Ross: (loudly) Why?! Are there like bears or something?! (Looks around and then sees that Elizabeth is shaking her head no and realizes what Elizabeth meant.) Ohh. Oh, protection. Yeah-no, yeah-no, that-that-that I forgot.
Ross: Carol, we've been through this before, ok? We have a good time. We laugh, we play. It's like we're father and son.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler, Rachel, and Joey are eating, and Phoebe is preparing Ben's milk.]
Phoebe: Duh, I think I know how to heat breast milk. Ok. (Squirts some on her wrist and tastes it.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, time lapse. Rachel is entering the living room from her bedroom as Monica enters.]
Ross: Thanks Aunt Pheebs. Hey, you didn't microwave that, did you, because it's breast milk, and you're not supposed to do that.
Monica: Look, when it started I was just trying to be nice to her because she was my brother's girlfriend. And then, one thing led to another and, before I knew it, we were...shopping.
Rachel: And sorta just put the receipt back in your pocket?
Phoebe: Oh, I tasted Ben's milk, and Ross freaked out.
[Scene: The Geller household kitchen, Monica and Phoebe are cooking for Mrs. Gellers party.]
[They go into the apartment. Inside the apartment it looks like a sewage dump exploded and landed in her living room. There are clothes and food and junk covering every square inch of space. I mean pigs have nicer pens. Ross is completely shocked.]
[Scene: Outside Central Perk, Rachel is cleaning up and Monica is pleading with her.]
Ross: That's nice... now, was that before or after you told him to stop calling, stop sending you flowers and to generally leave you alone, hmm?
Phoebe: You guys, um I know that this really doesn't have anything to do with me, but um I love you guys too. (Joins in on the hug.) Oh, I really needed that. (Goes and sits down.)
[Scene: The Department Store, Joey and the Hombre man are facing off in Joey's section.]
Phoebe: Wait, wait, wait, wait! (Runs over and joins in on the hug again.)
JOEY: How do we say yes now and make it seem like we're not doin' it just to ride in the cool car?
[Scene: Central Perk, Julie and Rachel are sitting on the couch.]
(The door opens. Rachel is standing there. Her coat is muddy and torn, her hair is dishevelled and her face is bruised. Everyone turns to look)
Chandler: All right. Now go see Miss Kitty and she'll fix you up with a nice hooker.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is there ready for another poker game.]
Originally written by Michael Curtis and Greg Malins Trascribed by Mindy Mattingly Phillips With Minor Adjustments by: Eric Aasen
Phoebe: Oh, I'm sorry, oh, I just, I thought we could have them whipped and then add some peas and onions.