words in movies
(Ross starts to laugh, and then makes a face like 'Why did I just say that?' Ross' ex-wife, Carol, and her lesbian lover, Susan, enter the restaurant. Ross stares at them.)
(Carol takes off her jacket, her pregnant belly is exposed.)
Ross: Oh, and she's pregnant with my baby. I always forget that part. (to Carol and Susan) Helloo!
Kristin: Well, um, for the past few years I've been working..(Ross is watching Carol and Susan, not listening to Kristin. Susan gets up, and has to go. Carol is left stranded)...which is funny because, that wasn't even my major.
Carol: Oh no. I thought you said they could shoot the spot without you.
Ross: Now that is funny. Hey, do you think...would it be too weird if I invited Carol over to join us? 'Cause she's, she's alone now, and pregnant, and, and sad.
Ross: Are you sure? Great. Carol? Wanna come over and join us?
Carol: Oh, no no no. I'm fine. I'm fine.
Ross: Come on. These people'll scooch down. You guys'll scooch, won't you? Let's try scooching! Come on. Come on. Uh, Kristen Riggs, this is Carol Willick. Carol, Kristin. Uh, Carol teaches sixth grade. And, Kristin, Kristin...(struggling)...does something that, funnily enough, wasn't even her major!
[Scene: The Chinese Restaurant, Ross and Carol are talking. Kristin is not there.]
Carol: It's not true. I never called your mother a wolverine.
Carol: Uh, I don't think she's in the bathroom. Her coat is gone.
Carol: That could be it.
Ross: Oh, god. (He puts his head down on the grill) You know, this is still pretty hot. (He picks his head up, and a mushroom sticks to his head. Carol picks it off and eats it.)
Carol: Mushroom. Smile. They won't all be like this. Some women might even stay through dinner. Sorry, that's not funny
Carol: Oh, I love you too. But...
Carol: You know that thing you put over here with the pin in it? It's time to take the pin out. You'll find someone, I know you will. The right woman is just waiting for you.
Carol: All you need is a woman who likes men and you'll be set.
Carol: Not her.
Ross: Oh, Carol and I have a new system. If she punches in 911, it means she's having a baby, otherwise I just ignore it.
Ross: I went thru this with Ben and Carol. One cup of coffee won't affect your milk.
Ross: Well, you may wanna steer clear of the word 'dumped'. Chances are he's gonna be this, this broken shell of a man, y'know, so you should try not to look too terrific, I know it'll be hard. Or, y'know, uh, hey!, I'll go down there, and I'll give Barry back his ring, and you can go with Carol and Susan to the OB/GYN...
{Transcribers note: This is where the opening credits are, but theyre not the usual opening credits. Oh no! These credits are based on the world that would have been created had all of the above actually happened. It starts out with all of them at the fountain sitting on the couch as Fat Monica runs up and sits on the arm of the couch, tilting the whole thing towards her. It then goes on to show Rachels still a shop-aholic and with Barry. Fat Monica is sweating while cooking and dancing while eating a donut. Phoebe as the Wall Street shark smoking while on two cell phones. Then theyre dancing in the fountain. Joey entering as Dr. Drake Remoray and meeting a groupie. Chandler trying to write as a bird does its business on his shoulder and falling asleep while typing. Ross doing some kara-tay and trying to get Carol into bed. And finally, some more dancing in the fountain, them all flexing, and the turning out the lamp and shutting off all the lights bit from the first season. Just remember one thing, this is an alternate universe. Everything from every other episode doesnt apply, for instance, Ross and Rachel have no history. And in fact have not seen each other in years in this world.}
[Scene: The Airport, Carol and Ross are waiting for Emily and Susan to deplane. A gorgeous woman walks by and they both turn to watch her go.]
Monica: (explaining to the others) Carol moved her stuff out today.
Carol: A lesbian?
Carol: I'm pregnant.
Marsha: Yes, it is. Carol! Hi!
Carol: Sorry. You look good too.
Carol: So.
Ross: (they shake hands) Hello, Susan. (To Carol) Good shake. Good shake. So, uh, we're just waiting for...?
Rachel: Oh, you've got Carol tomorrow.. When did it get so complicated?
Carol: Dr. Oberman.
Carol: No, I mean it's not Geller.
Carol: Thanks.
Carol: Yes, and she's very supportive.
Carol: Marlon-
Carol: As in my grandmother.
Carol: Julia..
Carol: Hello? It's not gonna be Helen Geller.
Carol: Ross? That opens my cervix. (He drops it in horror.)
Carol: I know.
Carol: All right, you two, stop it!
(Marsha extis and Ross waves Carol into the exhibit.)
Ross: Okay, that's great. (Susan gives her drink to Carol.) No, I'm- Oh.
(Carol, Ross's ex-wife, has entered behind them and is standing outstide the exhibit.)
Ross: Well, Carol says she and Susan want me to be involved, but if I'm not comfortable with it, I don't have to be involved.. basically it's entirely up to me.
Ross: Why- why are you here, Carol?
Carol: No, actually, um, we talked about Helen Willick-Bunch.
[Scene: The Emergency Room, Ross is still going on about his first night with Carol.]
Ross: Well, I was with Carol for like eight years and I lost her. And now if it's possible I think I love you even more. So, it's hard for me to believe that I'm not gonna, well that someone else is not going to take you away.
Ross: My first time with Carol was... (He mumbles the last part)
Carol: Ross, you remember Susan.
Joey: With Carol? (Ross gives him a look.) Oh.
Carol: Anytime you're ready.
Ross: Hi, is uh, is Carol here?
Carol: Just aim for the bump.
Carol: So don't do it, it's fine. You don't have to do it just because Susan does it.
Carol: Look, you don't have to talk to it. You can sing to it if you want.
[Scene: Carol and Susan's, Ross is preparing to talk to her belly.]
[Scene: Carol and Susan's, Carol is reading, Ross is talking to her stomach.]
Carol: No, no that was the first.
Carol: I did.
Ross: Shh! (singing) Here we come, walkin' down the street, get the funniest looks from, everyone we meet. Hey, hey! (to Carol) Hey, uh, did you just feel that?
Ross: Yeah. I mean, it's been kinda quiet since Carol left, so...
Carol: I cant speak for Emily, but Susan is in a loving, committed relationship.
Chandler: Let me see what you wrote about yourself: "Doctor Paleontology, two kids... " (pause) You split with Carol because you have different interests?... I think you split with Carol because you've one very similar interest!
Carol: Hey hey, come on in!
Carol: Oh great! Is it vegetarian, 'cause Susan doesn't eat meat.
Carol: Uh, that's our friend Tanya.
Carol: Do you want to know?
Carol: Don't you want to know about the sex?
Carol: Totally and completely healthy!
Carol: Yes, we certainly do, it's going to be...
Carol: The sex of the baby, Ross.
Carol and Susan: It's a...
Ross: Oh, that's great, that is great! (Hugs and kisses Carol. Then picks up a picture frame)
Carol: Well, thanks for the books.
Ross: No problem, ok, mmmwa (kisses Carol) oh, mmmwa (kisses Carol's stomach, then punches Susan's shoulder) Susan... (Ross leaves.)
Carol: Hello?
Susan: Oh, that's so... (Susan hugs Carol, they giggle, Ross steps away) It really is...do we know...?
Chandler: Come on, Ross? Remember back in college, when he fell in love with Carol and bought her that ridiculously expensive crystal duck?
Carol: Susan and I live together.
Ross: (on intercom) Uh, never mind, I don't want to know. (Carol and Susan laugh)
Susan: Carol, not me.
Ross: Susan is Carols, Carols, Carols, friend...
Carol: Life partner.
Rachel: So, is this just gonna be you and Carol?
Carol: Its a little complicated.
[Scene: The Lamaze class, several couples and one trio sit on the floor, introducing themselves to the teacher, whos got as far as a woman sitting next to Ross, Carol, and Susan.]
Ross: Hi. Sorry Im late. Wheres, wheres Carol?
Carol: What that woman... did. I am not doin that. Its just gonna have to stay in, thats all, everything will be the same, itll just stay in.
Carol: This is impossible. Its just impossible.
Ross: Carol, honey, shhh, shhh, everythings gonna be alright.
Susan: Carol, Carol, sweetie. Cleansing breath.
Carol: Let it go, Ross.
Ross: Thanks. Yeah, Carol borrowed it for a class, and I have to get it back to the museum.
Ross: (to Carol) Where the hell have you been?
Ross: No! No no, it is nothing like me and Carol!
Carol: Am I allowed to drink anything?
Carol: Count faster.
Carol: Thanks.
Carol: Ow, ow, ow, ow, leg cramp, leg cramp, leg cramp.
Carol: You're gonna kill me!
Carol: Now go!
Ross: (to Carol) Yeah, listen...
Carol: All right, that's it. I want both of you out.
Carol: Out!
Ross: Look, Carol never threw me out of a room before you came along.
Susan: Yeah? Well, there's a lot of things Carol never did before I came along.
Carol: Really?
Carol: Ok.
Carol: Ok.
Carol: Are they here yet?
Carol: But they're not here yet!
(Carol suddenly screams in pain and grabs Chandler by the shirt.)
Carol: Where are they?
Carol: Oh, god.
Carol: What does he look like?