words in movies
Chandler: Or 'You're such a nice guy' means 'I'm gonna be dating leather-wearing alcoholics and complaining about them to you'.
Chandler: Yeah, it's like when you're a kid, and your parents put your dog to sleep, and they tell you it went off to live on some farm.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is helping Joey rehearse for a part.]
Chandler: "So how does it feel knowing you're about to die?"
Chandler: Hey, that was really good!
Chandler: Okay. "So. Whaddya want from me, Damone, huh?"
Chandler: "Smoke away."
Chandler: I think this is probably why Damone smokes in his cell alone.
Chandler: Relax your hand!
Chandler: Not so much!
Chandler: Hey!
Chandler: Alright, now try taking a puff.
Chandler: Alright.. okay. No. Give it to me.
Chandler: It's fine, it's fine. Look, do you wanna get this part, or not? Here.
Chandler: Don't think of it as a cigarette. Think of it as the thing that's been missing from your hand. When you're holding it, you feel right. You feel complete.
Chandler: Nah, not so much. Alright, now we smoke. (Takes a puff.) Oh.. my.. God. (He continues to smoke.)
Chandler: Oh, Satan's minions at work again...
(Chandler leans over the back of the couch out of sight.)
Rachel: Chandler, what are you doing?
(Chandler tries to shrug nonchalantly but eventually he has to exhale a mouthful of smoke.)
Chandler: I'm smoking. I'm smoking, I'm smoking.
Chandler: And this- is my reward!
Chandler: Okay, so this time I won't quit!
Chandler: All right! I'm putting it out, I'm putting it out. (He drops it in Phoebe's coffee.)
Chandler: What are you talking about? We love Schhteve! Schhteve was schhexy!.. Sorry.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler is smoking out on the balcony, Phoebe is absent.]
Monica: (shouts to Chandler) Chandler? Do you promise to be good?
(Chandler makes a 'Cross my heart' sign. It starts to rain and he taps on the window.)
(Chandler sulkilty picks up a garbage can lid and uses it as an umbrella.)
Joey: (shouting to Chandler) Chandler! He's here!
(Chandler comes in, dripping wet.)
Chandler: Oh, yeah. I'd marry him just for his David Hasselhof impression alone. You know I'm gonna be doing that at parties, right? (Does the impression)
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica is alone as Ross, Rachel, Chandler, and Joey enter dejectedly in softball gear.]
Chandler: Yep, we sure showed those Hassidic jewellers a thing or two about softball..
Chandler: I personally could have a gallon of Alan.
[Scene: Chandler's office, Chandler looks around, opens his desk drawer, takes a puff of a cigarette, sprays around some air freshener, and takes some breath spray. He types for a little while, opens the drawer again, and takes another drag of the cigarette. While not paying attention, he sprays the breath spray around the room, takes a squirt of air freshener and gags.]
Chandler: Well, maybe it's a contest, y'know? Like, collect all five?
(Chandler lights a cigarette.)
Chandler: Hey, this is so unfair!
Chandler: So I have a flaw! Big deal! Like Joey's constant knuckle-cracking isn't annoying? And Ross, with his over-pronouncing every single word? And Monica, with that snort when she laughs? I mean, what the hell is that thing? ...I accept all those flaws, why can't you accept me for this?
(They degenerate into bickering and Chandler happily starts to smoke, undisturbed.)
[Scene: Cental Perk, Joey and Ross are persecuting Chandler about his smoking.]
Chandler: Hey, y'know, I have had it with you guys and your cancer and your emphysema and your heart disease. The bottom line is, smoking is cool, and you know it.
Rachel: (holding the phone out to Chandler) Chandler? It's Alan, he wants to speak to you.
Chandler: Really? He does? (taking the phone) Hey, buddy, what's up! Oh, she told you about that, huh. Well, yeah, I have one now and then. Well, yeah, now. Well, it's not that big- ..well, that's true,.. Gee, y'know, no-one- no-one's ever put it like that before. Well, okay, thanks! (He hands the phone back and stubs out his cigarette.)
Chandler: Ooh, Lambchop. How old is that sock? If I had a sock on my hand for thirty years it'd be talking too.
Chandler: Joey ate my last stick of gum, so I killed him. Do you think that was wrong?
Chandler: (deadpan) Ooh, I'm alive with pleasure now.
Chandler: (sarcastic) Oh, she's sorry! I feel better!
Chandler: ...That's it. I'm getting cigarettes.
Chandler: (leaving) I don't care, I don't care! Game's over! I'm weak! I've gotta smoke! I've gotta have the smoke!
Chandler: (returns) Yeah, alright.
Chandler and Joey: What are you doing? What are you doing? What are you doing?
Chandler: Wh-what?
Chandler: Y'know what, it doesnt matter, cause she picked me. Me! From now on I get the dates and you have to stay home on Saturday nights watching Ready, Set, Cook!
Chandler: Were not gonna lose to girls.
Rachel: God, isn't this exciting? I earned this. I wiped tables for it, I steamed milk for it, and it was totally(opens envelope)not worth it. Who's FICA? Why's he getting all my money? I mean, what- Chandler, look at that.
Chandler: (to bartender) Can I get a beer.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel, Phoebe, Chandler, and Joey are eating Thanksgiving dinner.]
Chandler: Well, you dont you have Captain Hook explain it to her.
[Scene: Monicas, Chandler and Monica are still hugging each other.]
Chandler: (reading the comics) Eh..., I dont, I dont know.
Ross: Chandler, I want you to run a post pattern to the left, okay. And sweetie..
Chandler: (thinks about it) Yeah?
Chandler: So ah, whatcha watching?
Rachel: (to Chandler) Eh, do you believe that?
Ross: Just admit it Chandler, you have no backhand.
Chandler: Look out kids, hes coming! (Ross continues to leave with his head down in shame.)
Joey: (He turns around to Chandler looking for approval to go with Rachel, Chandler mouths Come on!) (turning back to Rachel) Ross, did ask us first, and we set that night aside.
[Chandler makes a noise of absolute disgust and heads into the living room.]
Chandler and Phoebe: ...in you, my endless (Phoebe goes high pitched, Chandler goes low pitched) love. (they both look at each other.) My endless love. (once again they dont match tones, and they just look at each other)
Ross: Okay! You guys are getting married tomorrow and-and I couldnt be more thrilled for both of you, but as Monicas older brother I-I have to tell you this. If you ever hurt my little sister, if you ever cause her any unhappiness of any kind, I will hunt you down, and kick your ass! (Chandler laughs.) What? Im-Im-Im serious! (Chandler laughs harder.) ComeHey! Dude! Stop it! Okay? Im-Im not kidding here!
(Phoebe turns and looks at Monica, while Joey frantically motions to Chandler to help him out.)
Chandler: I Think last night was great. You know, the Karaoke thing. Tracy and I doing Ebony and Ivory.
Chandler: Hey! Hold on a minute, hold on a second. Do you think these pearls are nice?
[We see Chandler lighting up a cigarette.]
Chandler: He's not right for the part. So if I suggest him, my bosses are gonna think I'm an idiot! And that's something they should learn on their own!
Monica: Chandler!!
(Chandler mouths Okay.)
Phoebe: Chandler what are you doing?!
Chandler: (jumps back and points at the cigarette) Oh my God!
Chandler: (to Joey) Does this mean were gonna have to start paying for coffee? (Joey shrugs his shoulders.)
(Chandler and Joey both laugh)
Ross: ....and 12, 22, 18, four... (Chandler starts laughing) What?
Chandler: I spelled out boobies.
Chandler: Well, actually, yesterday I was smoking again. Today, Im, Im smoking still.
Chandler: Oh my God, how did you do that?
Chandler: So, how many have you sold so far?
Chandler: Me! On my computer.
Joey: (to everyone) Oh my God! He's trapped in an ATM vestibule with Jill Goodacre! (on phone) Chandler, listen. (says something intentionally garbled)
Chandler: Look, Im telling you this is just like my parents divorce, which is when I started smoking in the first place.
Chandler: Something else I might have said?
Rachel: Hey-hey-hey thats funny! Your funny Chandler! Your a funny guy! You wanna know what else is really funny?!
Chandler: You-you-you dont wanna give into the fear.
Chandler: Run, Joey! Run for your life! (runs out)
[Cut to Chandler, Joey, and Ross's apartment, Rachel enters and sneaks up to Chandler's bedroom where she overhears Chandler and Monica talking.]
Chandler: Oh God, I can't believe I'm even considering this... I'm very very aware of my tongue...
Chandler: You dont, like go into the back of my closet, and look under my gym bag or anything?
Chandler: Thats a good idea, Dear Janice have a Hubba-Bubba birthday. I would like to get her something serious.
Chandler: (reading the paper) Says here that a muppet got whacked on Seasame Street last night. (to Ross) Where exactly were around ten-ish?
[Cut to later, all except Chandler are staring out the window at Ugly Naked Guy.]
Chandler: (to Rachel, whos entering) Hey! Howd the interview go?
Chandler: Tell us what happened, Brown Bird Ross.
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Phoebe, and Ross are there.]
Chandler: Ah, Kim Basinger, Cindy Crawford, Halle Berry, Yasmine Bleeth, and ah, Jessica Rabbit.
Chandler: Pheebs, wake up and smell the restraining order.
Chandler: Its like Night of the Living Dead Christmas Trees.
Chandler: Y'know what Rach, maybe you should just, y'know stay here at the coffee house.
Chandler: (to Ross) Should I tell her I ordered tea?
(Chandler is getting ready to kick off, Ross is holding the ball between his foot and finger.)
Chandler: My Catholic friend is right. She's distraught. You're there for her. You pick up the pieces, and then you usher in the age of Ross! (Ross and Chandler look off into the distance. Joey, wondering what they are looking at, looks in the same direction)
Chandler: Mazel tov!
Chandler: Oh thats great, with my luck, thats gonna be him.
Chandler: I just saw Janice.
(Joey starts to return the fumble and Chandler grabs Joeys shirt and rips it off of his back.)
Chandler: Yes, but you ended up having sex with both of them that afternoon.
Ross: Hey Chandler, theres a party tomorrow, youll feel better then.
Chandler: Oh, y'know what, Im gonna be okay, you dont have to throw a party for me.
[Scene: The hallway between the apartments, Ross is bringing Sarah to Joey and Chandlers.]
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, its Joeys party.]
Chandler: (to Monica) Take off your shirt!
Chandler: Yeah, she was at Rockefeller Center skating with her husband, she looked so happy. I almost feel bad for whipping that kids pretzel at them.
Monica: (to Chandler) Stick out your tongue.
Joey: Chandler!
Chandler: Yeah, Jell-o just like Mom used to make.
Ross: Wait a minute, one box! Come on, Im trying to send a little girl to Spacecamp, Im putting you down for five boxes. Chandler, what about you?
Chandler: Hi Joeys sisters!
Chandler: (to Monica) Okay, how many of that girl are you seeing?
(Cut to Chandler)
Sister 1: (to Chandler) What cha doing?
Chandler: Okay! You dont think I thought of that?
Chandler: Hey! Well, Ive been preparing for that my entire life! Or something about you thats mean!
Ross: (to Rachel) You see what men do! Dont tell me men are not nice! (points to Chandler) This is men!!
Chandler: I cant remember which sister.
Joey: Come on!! (motions for Chandler to come with him)
Joey: Or maybe it's because this guy's doing so good they wanna put more people on it. (Chandler pours some juice in a glass.) You should see this guy, Chandler, he goes through two bottles a day.
Chandler: Why cant we talk in here? With, with, witnesses.
Chandler: Yep, Im in a tree.
Chandler: Its gotta be the first one.
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Phoebe is still writing in her book, Chandler and Monica are in the kitchen as Joey enters.]
Joey: (angrily entering, to Chandler) Can I talk to you for a second?!
Rachel: Hey. (they all walk away from Chandler)
Chandler: Well, thats the part where you tell him that I moved to France. When actually Ill be in Cuba.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross is reading a letter that Chandler wrote.]
Chandler: Come on. An 80-foot inflatable dog let loose over the city. How often does that happen?
(Chandler sticks out is tongue and its a horrible shade of green.)
Chandler: What if Mary-Angela comes to the door and I ask for Mary-Angela?
Chandler: Wheres Mary-Angela?
Joeys Sisters: Hey, Chandler!
Rachel: Chandler! Youre smoking? What are you doing?!
Chandler: Im here to see Mary-Angela.
Chandler: Hey, shut up!! Youre not my real Mom!!