words in movies
{Transcribers note: This is where the opening credits are, but theyre not the usual opening credits. Oh no! These credits are based on the world that would have been created had all of the above actually happened. It starts out with all of them at the fountain sitting on the couch as Fat Monica runs up and sits on the arm of the couch, tilting the whole thing towards her. It then goes on to show Rachels still a shop-aholic and with Barry. Fat Monica is sweating while cooking and dancing while eating a donut. Phoebe as the Wall Street shark smoking while on two cell phones. Then theyre dancing in the fountain. Joey entering as Dr. Drake Remoray and meeting a groupie. Chandler trying to write as a bird does its business on his shoulder and falling asleep while typing. Ross doing some kara-tay and trying to get Carol into bed. And finally, some more dancing in the fountain, them all flexing, and the turning out the lamp and shutting off all the lights bit from the first season. Just remember one thing, this is an alternate universe. Everything from every other episode doesnt apply, for instance, Ross and Rachel have no history. And in fact have not seen each other in years in this world.}
Joey: So Monica, still going out with Dr. Boring huh?
Rachel: (stunned) You are friends with Dr. Drake Remoray?
[Scene: Rachel and Barrys bedroom, Rachel is watching Days of Our Lives. Of course its a Dr. Drake Remoray scene. Its set in a hospital room, and Dr. Wesley and a nurse are talking about a female patient with a bandage around her head.]
Nurse: Youve done all you can Dr. Wesley. You have got to let her go.
Dr. Wesley: Good-bye and God speed, Hope Brady.
(He goes to turn off a machine. Suddenly, Dr. Drake Remoray appears at the door with two cops!)
Dr. Drake Remoray: Not so fast Wesley! (Rachel does a silent clap.)
Dr. Wesley: (with evil dripping off his tongue) Remoray!
Dr. Drake Remoray: Thats right Wesley! I just stopped by to say that, youre not a real doctor! And that womans brain, is fine!
[Cut back to the TV, the cops are leading Dr. Wesley out, and as they pass Remoray and Wesley exchange evil glances.]
Dr. Drake Remoray: Hope! Hope!
Dr. Drake Remoray: Youre not dying Hope, youre gonna live a long, healthy life. With me.
[Scene: Joey's apartment, (The one he had when he was Dr. Drake Remoray, because he still is.) Rachel is there and admiring the big ceramic fake dog.]
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica is pouring wine for her boyfriend, Dr. Roger.]
Dr. Roger: They have parasites?
Dr. Roger: What people?
Dr. Roger: So oysters, huh?
Dr. Roger: Yknow, its funny, but when we were studying communicable diseases
Dr. Roger: Ohh! Didnt know! Okay!
Dr. Roger: Im sorry sweetie, its the hospital. The food looks great, maybe save me some?
Rachel: Joey, youre such an amazing actor! (He smiles.) How do you know where Dr. Drake Remoray leaves off and Joey Tribbiani begins?
Joey: Well, with Dr. Drake they always tell me what to say. And with Joey, I pretty much have to make it up on my own.
Monica: Oh I cant. Dr. Roger is coming over again.
Monica: Great! Its so amazing! I mean, last time Dr. Roger came over, I was so nervous, but then after being with you Im all like, "Can the doctor see me now?"
Monica: Yeah, come on, eat, whatever you want. Dr. Roger got beeped again.
Rachel: (on phone) Daddy... Daddy... Daddy, why whyyy would I sleep with Billy Dreskin? His father tried to put you out of business! (Rachel turns to Monica, clasping the receiver to her bosom so Dr.Green can't hear, while mouthing "You are...") ...dead!
DR. BURKE: No no. Henry's almost two and he's talking and everyting. Here. You know, the other day he told me he liked me better than his other grandpa. Now in all fairness his other grandpa's a drunk but still. . .
JOEY: [as they're walking out, Dr. Greene questioningly gestures at the Happy Birthday sign over the door] This is clearly in the wrong apartment. [they all walk across the hall]
Joey: Dr. Drake Remoray. Days of Our Lives. Voted most datable neurosurgeon by Teen Beat.
Dr. Green: (interrupting him) I know!! Its a museum! What, youre the only one around here who can make a joke! At least mine was funny. Ah, waiter, we will have two lobsters and a menu. (nods at Ross, and mouths I dont know to the waiter.)
Dr. Long: Ten centimeters, youre about to become a mom.
(Ross with his pants around his ankles tries to run, but Dr. Geller forgets that he has his pants around his ankles and falls down trying to flee.)
Joey: Good evening. Im Mr. Tribbiani. And I will be teaching acting for soap operas. Now um, on my first day as (proudly) Dr. Drake Remoray on Days of Our Lives, (looks for a reaction from his students, and gets none.) I learned that one of the most important things in soap opera acting is reacting, this does not mean acting again, it means, you dont have a line, but someone else just did. And it goes like this. (looks all intense for a moment and then gasps, the students cheer him) Thanks, thanks, a lot. Oh, by the way, before I forget to work in soap operas some of you will have to become much more attractive. All right, moving right along.
Dr. Baldhara: How about a hammer, or a small blade?
DR. BURKE: Yeah, it sure does. [they hug and it turns into a passionate kiss]
[Scene: A Doctor's Office, Ross is having his thing looked at by Dr. Rhodes.]
Dr. Long: We are moving along, just slowly. (Rachel lies back and sighs.) Dont worry, youre doing great. Ill be back soon. (Exits.)
Dr. Franzblau: So, I understand you're thinking of having a baby? Well, I see you're nine months pregnant. That's a good start. How you doing with your contractions?
DR. BURKE: But they're so dull, they're all opthamologists.
Dr. Long: Shes fine. Shes experiencing Braxton-Hicks contractions, mild discomfort caused by contractions in the uterine wall.
DR. BURKE: No no, it, it's fine, believe me. I do it too. I always answer with the 'I'm OK' head bob. [demonstrates] 'I'm OK.' [tilts head] 'You sure?' [bobs head] 'Yeah, I'm fine.' Hey listen, I've got to set up the music. I got a new CD changer, of course the divorce only left me with 4 CD's to change.
Rachel: Excuse me, Dr. Bobby happens to be an excellent doctor.
(Dr. Geller, the man with the Ph.D. in Paleontology, is trying to find a place to hide, but this supposedly intelligent man in the hands of clich�d scriptwriters runs around with his pants down around his ankles like one of the Three Stooges.)
Bobby: Hey, Dr. Farber.
DR. BURKE: Ah, that's OK, come on in. Um, I'm sorry, is Monica Geller coming? I was told she was.
Joey: (Snatches the phone) Hey Ma. Listen, I made the appointment with Dr. Bazida, and... Excuse me? (To his dad) Did you know this isn't Ma?
Ross: ..Dr. Oberman. Okay. And is he-
Carol: Dr. Oberman.
Dr. Baldhara: Does he, uh, fight with other animals?
Bernice: (over intercom) Dr. Farber, Jason Greenstein's gagging.
Dr. Oberman: (entering) Knock knock!How are we today? Any nausea?
Dr. Oberman: Well, I was just wondering about the mother-to-be, but.. thanks for sharing. (To Carol) Uh, lie back..
Dr. Baldhara: Even if he were... cornered?
[Time lapse, Monica is now wearing the dress while doing the dishes and is making like she is thanking her guests for coming to her wedding. Paging Dr. Crane. Dr. Fraiser Crane!]
Dr. Mitchell: (Smiling) Hi, err Rachel. I'm Dr.Mitchell.
Dr. Li: Well, I believe that the answers lie in the osteological evidence. I plan to begin there.
Ross: I got held up at Dr. Gettleman's office. There was some guy that freaked everybody out.
Ross: Oh-oh, youre-youre fellow scholars. What exactly were you looking for, hmm? Perhaps, (Grabs a book from the shelf behind him) perhaps Dr. Chester Stocks musings on the Smiledon Californicus?
Dr. Rosen: Ah here, we brought wine.
Dr. Mitchell: Hey.
Dr. Mitchell: So?
Dr. Rosen: This hummus is great.
Dr. Mitchell: That's because they are.
Dr. Rosen: (Nervously) okay, but you have to admit that every time we go out... Women we meet at the hospital... It turns into...
Dr. Rosen: So... they sss-still seem normal.
Dr. Rosen: Good for you.
Dr. Rosen: Excuse me?
Dr. Mitchell: Really?
Dr. Rosen: So, Monica, how's the ankle?
Dr. Mitchell: I'll take a look at him.
Dr. Mitchell: Rachel.
Dr. Rosen: This is a great place. How long have you lived here?
Dr. Baldhara: You're making a big mistake here. I mean, San Diego's all well and good, but if you give him to me, I'll start him off against a blind rabbit and give you twenty percent of the gains.
Dr. Harad: Oh, no-no-no, it's a good one! Fonzie plays the bongos. All right, are you ready? It's time to start pushing.
Dr. Franzblau: It really was. There was this great little pastry shop right by my hotel. (Carol sits up in pain, Rachel and Dr. Franzblau casually lay her back down) There you go, dear.
[Scene: Ross's new apartment, he is showing his boss, Dr. Ledbetter his new place and new outlook on life.]
Dr. Franzblau: Hey, how's my favorite parenting team doing?
JOEY: Hey, I'll be alright. I mean it's not like I'm starting from sqare one. I was Dr. Drake Remoray on Days of Our Lives. Heh? I mean that's gotta have some kind of cache.
Dr. Rhodes: Wait a minute, hold it. (He goes to the door and opens it.) Johnson! Will you come in here a moment?
Ross: Dr. Franzblau, hi.
[Scene: The Waiting Room, Rachel and Dr. Franzblau have gone to get coffee.]
Dr. Franzblau: I'm gonna go check up on your friend.
Dr. Franzblau: No, it's hard enough to get women to go out with me.
Ross: (puts his head near the baby) Hello! (to Dr. Franzblau) Oh, sorry.
Rachel: (to Dr. Franzblau) Ok, so anyway, you were telling me about Paris, it sounds fascinating.
Dr. Franzblau: It is nice to meet you. I'm Dr. Franzblau. I'm your roommate's... brother's... ex-wife's obstetrician.
Dr. Franzblau: You're doing great, you're doing fine.
Dr. Franzblau: I'm sorry, I can't tell the baby to wait for them.
Dr. Franzblau: All right, Carol, I need you to keep pushing. I need(reaches for an instrument, Rachel's hand is on it) Excuse me, could I have this?
Phoebe: Oh, it's Dr. Seuss!
Dr. Franzblau: I try not to let my work affect my personal life, but it's hard, when you... do what I do. It's like uh...Well, for instance, what do you do?
Rachel: No! Shoot, Dr. Schiff what kind of question is that?!
Benjamin: The selection committee has chosen the three of you as our finalists today. The ultimate decision will be based upon the answers you give to the questions I ask here. I'm gonna start with Dr. Li. Dr. Li, you claim the field is too reliant on the Linnaean taxonomic system. How do you propose to correct this problem?
Rachel: And if you need anything else, I(notices the handsome Dr. Franzblau)do not believe we've met. Hi. I'm, uh, Rachel Green. I'm Carol's... ex-husband's... sister's roommate.
Dr. Harad: Just-just to clarify, I'm not Fonzie. (Phoebe nods in agreement as he leaves.)
Dr. Mitchell: (on the phone) Monica and Rachel's apartment. Err yeh, aayah, yeh, just one second... (handing it to Monica) ..ah, Rachel, it's your dad.
Dr. Miller: This is a glaucoma test.
DOCTOR: Hello, there. I'm Dr. Carlin. I see someone's having an allergic reaction.
Dr. Franzblau: No, no, really. I suppose it's because I spend so much time, you know, where I do.
JOEY: There's my scene, there's my scene. [Joey on tv] "Mrs. Wallace, I'm Dr. Drake Ramoray, your sister's neurosurgeon.
[Scene: Carol's room, Rachel and Dr. Franzblau are there with her.]
Dr. Miller: Okay. You've got a small, minor infection in that left eye. I want you to take these drops three times a day and you'll be as good as new.
Dr. Franzblau: Ok, all right, well aren't there times when you come home at the end of the day, and you're just like, 'if I see one more cup of coffee'...
MONICA: Dr. Burke, it, it's me.
ERICA: Well, yes, yes, the best doctor in all of Salem, Dr. Drake Remore.
Dr. Green: What kind of person is allergic to lobster? I guess the kind of person that works at a library.
DR. BURKE: Monica? My God you used to be so. . . I mean you, you, you, you must have lost like. . . You look great.
DR. BURKE: I'm going to look into your eyes now.
MONICA: Dr. Burke? I don't think so. I mean, like, he's a grown up.
DR. BURKE: You too.
DR. BURKE: See.
DR. BURKE: So, it's great to see ya.
DR. BURKE: Oh, OK, yeah. I'll see ya later.
DR. BURKE: Drops!
DR. BURKE: Yeah, since the divorce, when anybody asks me how I am, it's always with a sympathetic head tilt. [demonstrating] 'How ya doin'? You OK?'
DR. BURKE: Yeah. Are we nuts here?
RACHEL: Ya know, Dr. Burke kissed me once.
DR. BURKE: Yep.
DR. BURKE: So.
DR. REMORE: Well then, uh, I uhh, guess that's me. Anyone else need to go on the elevator? Dr. Horton, Dr. Wong?
DR. BURKE: Oh, well obviously you know Barbara and I split up, otherwise you wouldn't have done the head tilt.
DR. BURKE: Yeah, yeah, maybe.
Dr. Long: Rachel youre gonna have to push even harder, nothings happening!
DR. HORTON: No, no, they only said you.
DR. REMORE: Yeah, whatever. Oh no.