words in movies
{Transcribers note: This is where the opening credits are, but theyre not the usual opening credits. Oh no! These credits are based on the world that would have been created had all of the above actually happened. It starts out with all of them at the fountain sitting on the couch as Fat Monica runs up and sits on the arm of the couch, tilting the whole thing towards her. It then goes on to show Rachels still a shop-aholic and with Barry. Fat Monica is sweating while cooking and dancing while eating a donut. Phoebe as the Wall Street shark smoking while on two cell phones. Then theyre dancing in the fountain. Joey entering as Dr. Drake Remoray and meeting a groupie. Chandler trying to write as a bird does its business on his shoulder and falling asleep while typing. Ross doing some kara-tay and trying to get Carol into bed. And finally, some more dancing in the fountain, them all flexing, and the turning out the lamp and shutting off all the lights bit from the first season. Just remember one thing, this is an alternate universe. Everything from every other episode doesnt apply, for instance, Ross and Rachel have no history. And in fact have not seen each other in years in this world.}
(As Joey goes to the bathroom, Corporate Phoebe enters. Shes wearing a business suit and carrying a briefcase.)
Monica: (gets up and gasps) Oh my God! Rachel!! (Rachel is stunned to see that her long lost friend is still fat.) (Monica goes over and gives Rachel a big bear hug, which is quite easy for her.) You look terrific!
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe are there. Phoebes cell phone rings and she goes through her little routine of lighting a cigarette before answering the phone.]
(He goes to turn off a machine. Suddenly, Dr. Drake Remoray appears at the door with two cops!)
Monica: Okay! (They kiss again and his beeper goes off.) Ohhh no!
(She goes out into the hall and when shes there and the door is closed; she rips off her robe to reveal her work clothes.)
(Ross enters and he's really angry. He goes towards Chandler who's sitting at the counter)
(he idly goes to the sofa, starts browsing a magazine. Everybody stares at him)
Rachel: Okay, very cute braces. Anyway yknow what, the point is Tag, start looking because you are going to find those contracts on your desk. (She goes into her office.)
Chandler: You can wear them with shorts on a street corner and earn the money to pay for them. (Goes and gets some coffee at the counter.)
Joey: (excited) Thanks dude!!!This is GREAT!! (leaves Rachel very touched on the couch and goes into his room)
Professor Spafford: If you'll excuse me I'm going to use the restroom. (he goes away)
Ross: Huh... huh... what a loser! Some more wine? (takes the half-full glasses and goes to the counter)
Ross: Oh, well no, but I mean, she only goes out with really, really smart guys.
Molly: I think it's sweet. (goes to leave)
(Rachel goes look for Joey. She sees him and Charlie kissing passionately.)
Rachel: Bye, see ya. (she goes)
Charlie: We'll see you, guys! (she goes)
Joey: I couldnt help it! When a fist comes at your face, you duck! Look! (He goes to punch Ross, expecting him to duck, but he doesnt and Joey punches Ross. Gunther is amused.)
Phoebe: (goes back in) I'm Rachel. It's so annoying when I put Emma on the phone to talk with my friends.
Chandler: Oh good, 'cause I've already thought of 3... 4! I've just thought of a fourth (he goes towards the counter)
(Ross goes to the window and opens the curtains revealing that it's raining outside)
Chandler: (slaps him on the shoulder) Nice! (goes to Monica)
Monica: Ok fine. I'll handle this. (goes to Phoebe who's talking to Rachel) Phoebe?
Ross: Wha... what do you mean? (Goes to the laptop)
Ross: Hey, what do you say we celebrate? Champagne? (he goes to get the champagne)
Rachel: Joey! (she walks away; Joey goes after her teasing and tickling her)
Rachel: (gasps) Oh my God! Listen to you talkin about having kids. Oh my Joey. (She goes over and hugs him.) Oh, please dont get married before I do.
Mike: To see who goes first, you got a quarter?
(He punches her on her shoulder mockingly, then goes and sits down on her bed)
Dr. Green: Oh come on! Dont be such a baby! (Goes after him)
Chandler: And I don't wanna say this, I don't you guys to hate me, but uh, I don't think, I can be around that dog anymore. Okay, so either the dog goes, or I go. (An awkward silence ensues.) Oh my god!!
Rachel: Joey, you cant let him get away with that. Ya know what, Im not going to let him get away with that. Im going to say something to himNo, I really shouldnt say anythingNo, I should say something to him. (Goes to the counter) Gunther, I want you to give Joey his job back. That is really not fair that you have to fire him
(He goes back to the kitchen.)
(Larry goes to leave but heads the wrong way and makes a quick sidestep to go out the right door.)
(He goes out into the hall and finds a very drunk Monica lying up against Joey and Rachels door.)
(Ross goes to the kitchen.)
Joey: Yeah. Okay. (Goes to take a bite out of the previously mentioned bagel.) Whoa! (Stops.) I almost forgot this was on your
(someone knocks on the door. Rachel goes to open it)
Joey: Got it! (Goes towards the front door and stands with his back to it) Hey hey hey! (to Chandler) Where do you think you're going?
Chandler: Dont worry, Im brave! I am brave! I I am brave! (They get to the door and Monica goes to open it.) No-no-no-no!! (He stops her.) (Through the door.) Can you tell me who is there please?
Rachel: Oh, I have to pee. If I dont come out in five minutes its because Ive choked to death on the potpourri stink. (Goes into the bathroom.)
Ross: (goes over to Julio) Come here, here, come here, come here, (pause) Mrs. Buffay. Sorry, about what I said, umm, it was, it was insensitive of me to say that you were just a cat. When clearly you are also the reincarnated spirit, of my friends mother.
Ross: I'm just, I'm just glad I didn't miss my daughter's first words (goes back to checking the tickets).
Ross: We'll see how dinner goes.
Joey: (yelling back) No you didn't! (turns and goes towards his room)
Joey: (Yelling at Chandler) And that's how I know you didn't watch the tape! (goes back to his room and slams the door).
Joey: (very angry) You wanna know wh...? You wanna know why? (goes back into his room)
Rachel: Go-go-go-go, come on! (Ross goes over to the counte) (to Chandler) So uh, what did you find out?
Ross: (Yells) Damnit! (Goes to the door to leave. Rachel just enters, sees him and starts laughing)
(cut to Joey on the other side, who finally leaves the door and goes to his apartment)
Chandler: O-kay. I'll see if I can find Ross. (Goes off to find Ross.)
Ross comes out of the guest bedroom with the diaper bag and the car seat carrying thingy.. yeah.. thats the techinal term.. He goes to Chandler.
Joey: But just think, ok? What if everything goes right? What if this woman does pick you guys?
Joey: I'm gonna say someone I'm gonna have sex with. (the girl leaves and Phoebe goes toward the couch) (to Phoebe) Hey!
Monica: (goes to Chandler) Phoebe and Rachel saw you with Nancy today and... em... they think you're having an affair.
(The phone rings and Chandler goes to get it)
Phoebe: (keeping on running and yelling) OOOOOHHHHH! (she stops) Fine, I can't take it anymore! I'm putting an end to this! (she goes out to the balcony)
(Joey gives him the okay symbol, and Ross rushes towards him to be stopped by Chandler. Meanwhile, Phoebe goes over to the snack table as some guy, which turns out to be Ursula's fianc�e Eric, walks in and smacks her butt.)
(She goes to look out the window at Rosss apartment and sees Jill staring at her and closing the drapes with an evil look on her face. Rachel is stunned into silence.)
Joey: I know, there are gonna be some pasty folks by the pool tomorrow! (A woman goes towards them)
Joey: I guess I'll get washed up then. Watch that sunrise. (He goes into the bathroom.)
Ross: Of course you would, your brains are smaller than mine!! (Rachel nods) Man, I can't compete with the guys she goes out with, they are so out of my league! oh my God!
Ross: Oh no. Dad! Dad! What (He goes to open one of her boxes and it rips apart.) Oh God everythings ruined! Dad, shes gonna be crushed!
Conan: But there must be, there mustare a lot of moments over the years where youre just trying to do your job, something goes wrong.
[Scene: Rachels Room, Joey moves Rosss coat to get the tissues Rachel wants and the engagement ring box Mrs. Geller gave him falls out of the pocket it was inside. Joey goes to one knee, picks up the box, opens it, and sees that its an engagement ring.]
Rachel: You know what? I don't want to be with them either, but it's Thanksgiving and we should not want to be together, together. (Goes to unlock the door)
Joey: Well, it comes and goes. I wouldn't trust it.
(They all go into the kitchen. Just then, Rachel comes back from the bathroom; she had removed her dress and is wearing nothing but a lace nightie. She tries to find someplace seductive to wait for Joshua. She tries to sit on the piano, but it makes too much noise. So she goes over to the couch and kinda half lays down to wait for Joshua. Joshua comes in from the kitchen, sees Rachel, and freezes.)
(Ross dives over the couch, Rachel goes the other way, and lands up top of him.)
Phoebe: Oh, you're so screwed. (Monica goes into the guest room)
Party Guests: (chanting) Howard! Howard! Howard! Howard! (Ross goes to investigate the noise) Howard! Howard! Howard! (They're holding Howard above their heads.) Howard! Howard! Howard! Howard! Howard! (He sees Phoebe chanting along with them.) Howard! Howard! Howard! Howard! Howard! Howard! Howard! Howard! Howard! Yay!!
(Phoebe goes and lies down as Rachel opens the drawer Monica hid the candlesticks in and as Monica walks out of her room.)
ROSS: All righty roo. [closes the door] What a great moment to say that for the first time. [goes to get the cigarettes and glasses]
Joey: Okay. Here goes.
Roy: You were talking about me before! Look, I don't need this! I'm outta here! Where's my hat? (goes to get it) Look, I've been in this business for a long time!
Phoebe: All right, here it goes...
(Monica and Chandler look shocked as Ross goes to leave.)
[Fun Bobby leaves and Monica goes back inside.]
All: (subdued) Yay! (He motions for them to keep quiet, including Chandler who is still holding the lamp Ross handed him, before he goes off to talk to Emily in private.)
Joey: Okay! (He yanks his hand away.) All right. Umm, all right Wayne, level with me. Okay? I-I keep hearing all these rumors that I might get fired. Okay, they even have actors coming in to read for my part! Come on man, you-you got to give me a second chance! I mean, I love-I love this little guy! (He grabs C.H.E.E.S.E.s arm and pulls it off at the elbow.) Ah-ah!! (Wayne is shocked.) Okay, thats why you didnt want me to touch him right? Here you go! Okay? (Hands Wayne the arm and he goes to fix it. Meanwhile Joey starts to berate himself.) Stupid! I cant believe it! God! (A very beautiful woman walks by.) (To her) Hey, how you doin? (He and her go over to talk and Wayne looks on with envy.)
Rachel: Oh my God! I can not believe that! I mean I dont really like it when Ross goes out with anyone, but my sister isnt that like incest or something?! Oh my God, and theyre gonna have sex! Oh! Oh no what if he marries her too?! Oh this is just terrible, this is just terrible. And I cant stop it! I cantI dont own Ross! Yknow? And Jill, she should be able to do whatever it is that she wants to do! And oh my God, I cant believe Ross is marrying my little sister, this terrible. Oh my God, this is just the worst thing that could have ever happened to me.
Assistant: You've got to face the red light. When the red light goes on the spraying is about to start so close your eyes. When the spraying stops, count to five. Pat yourself down to avoid drip marks then turn around so we can get your back. Got it?
[Scene: Their building's lobby, Danny is checking his mailbox as Rachel enters carrying shopping bags and goes to her mailbox. Danny has shaved his beard and cut his hair, Rachel doesn't recognize him.]
(Timer goes off.)
(Camera goes to Joey. The clock is at 20 sec. The word "Legislature" appears. He looks at it blank faced and his eyes shift between Henrietta and his screen)
Ross: Thats right! Thats right! Saran Wrap on the toilet seat so the pee goes everywhere!
Joey: Well okay, so then youre fine. The rule is when two actors are actually doing it off-stage all the sexual tension between them is gone. Okay? So as long as its hot onstage you got nothing to worry about. Its when the heat goes away, thats when youre in trouble.
Ross: Yeah, anything goes, except ah, eye gouging and fish hooking.
(Ross goes outisde on the balcony.)
(Ross grabs the tape and heads for the VCR as Rachel goes over and puts the chain on the door and locks it.)
Chandler: Youre coming on to the entire room! (He goes over to pick up a stack of magazines next to her, and to get her attention, he throws them back down.) Im Chandler.
Joey says "Ichiban". It displays a few girls dancing around and Joey fills most of the screen, he puts something blue on his lips and smacks them saying "Lipstick For Men!" It goes on to show him playing a guitar and putting on more blue lipstick. In the end he says seductively "Ichiban... Lipstick For Men" and "Sahiko" and it ends. Chandler and Rachel are speechless.)
(Someone knocks the door, Joey goes to open it and Ross is on the other side)
[Scene: Phoebe's apartment, there is a beeping noise coming from the living room and Phoebe sleepily goes to investigate.]
Rachel: Hey-hey, yknow what? I dont care! Im not ashamed of my book. Theres nothing with a woman enjoying a little erotica. Its just a healthy expression of female sexuality, which by the way, you will never understand. (She goes into her room.)
Joey: I play Al Pacino's butt. All right? He goes into the shower, and then- I'm his butt. Monica: (trying not to laugh) Oh my God. Joey: C'mon, you guys. This is a real movie, and Al Pacino's in it, and that's big! Chandler: Oh no, it's terrific, it's- it's- y'know, you deserve this, after all your years of struggling, you've finally been able to crack your way into show business. Joey: Okay, okay, fine! Make jokes, I don't care! This is a big break for me! Ross: You're right, you're right, it is.
(Monica stomps on Paul's watch and goes into her room.)
Joey: Umm, now uh Its a scary world out there, especially for a single mom. Yknow, now I always thought you and I had a special bond so (He goes to one knee and pulls out a ring.) Phoebe Buffay, will you marry me?
Phoebe: I know, but that creep that I went on that date with goes to there so I have to find a new one. I also have to find a new video store, a new bank, a new adult bookstore, a new grocery store
Chandler: Pheebs! (He goes over and kisses Phoebe, who is also stunned.) Always a pleasure. (And he struts out leaving the girls to stare at each other.)
Helena: Well I wouldnt miss it for the world. Oh! Im getting all misty here! Youd think I was having my legs waxed or something. (Goes back on stage.)
Donny: Joey describe these things associated with the United States congress. (Joey goes form looking very confident to looking very shocked the instant the word congress is said) Give me 20 seconds on the clock please. Ready? Go!
[They keep kissing and start scratching each other. Ross enters, takes one look, and goes right back out the door.]
(Joey starts wiping lint off of her back, but goes at little too far and Rachel just glares at him. He stops, gives her the okay symbol and walks away.)
Ross: Aw forget it, its from Pier One. (Theres an angry knock on the door.) Sorry. (Goes and opens the door to an irate Dr. Green.)