words in movies
Chandler: What if I had had the guts to quit my job? Id probably be writing for the New Yorker, getting paid to be funny. But my jobs fun too! I mean tomorrow, I-I dont have to wear a tie.
Phoebe: What if I had taken that job at Merrill Lynch?
Phoebe: Yeah, I had a massage client who worked there and-and he said I had a knack for stocks.
{Transcribers note: This is where the opening credits are, but theyre not the usual opening credits. Oh no! These credits are based on the world that would have been created had all of the above actually happened. It starts out with all of them at the fountain sitting on the couch as Fat Monica runs up and sits on the arm of the couch, tilting the whole thing towards her. It then goes on to show Rachels still a shop-aholic and with Barry. Fat Monica is sweating while cooking and dancing while eating a donut. Phoebe as the Wall Street shark smoking while on two cell phones. Then theyre dancing in the fountain. Joey entering as Dr. Drake Remoray and meeting a groupie. Chandler trying to write as a bird does its business on his shoulder and falling asleep while typing. Ross doing some kara-tay and trying to get Carol into bed. And finally, some more dancing in the fountain, them all flexing, and the turning out the lamp and shutting off all the lights bit from the first season. Just remember one thing, this is an alternate universe. Everything from every other episode doesnt apply, for instance, Ross and Rachel have no history. And in fact have not seen each other in years in this world.}
Phoebe: How long has it been since you had sex?
Monica: Oh my God! Thats great! Oh wow! (Hugs him.) Youre a published writer! I wish I had a present for you!
[Scene: Joey's apartment, (The one he had when he was Dr. Drake Remoray, because he still is.) Rachel is there and admiring the big ceramic fake dog.]
Monica: All right relax Mr. Ive Had Sex Four Times!
Chandler: Four different women! Ive had sex way more times!
Joey: Yes! Yes!! And every time you look at it, I want you to remember that you are a good person. Okay, youve had the chance to cheat, and with me, but you didnt. And thats what this ring stands for.
Ross: No! The reason Im asking is that I sorta had one last night.
Chandler: No, that's all right. I just had a jar of mustard.
Rachel: Pete the Weeper? Remember that guy who used to cry every time we had sex. (imitating) "Was it good for you?"
Monica: What if it's new? I mean, we agreed not to talk again, unless we had something really important to say. Shouldn't I call him back?
Woman: Yeah, well, I had a 24-inch waist. You lose things. Now come on, get outta my way.
Chandler: Ohh, great, I have condom in my wallet I've had since I was twelve.
Joey: You said I had to give you the chair, you didn't say anything about the cushions.
RICHARD: Well, we had a table in college.
PHOEBE: 'Cause my, my grandmother's never had chicken pox. Please, please tell me you have, 'cause oh my God, I forgot how cute you are.
Frank: (starts laughing) Wow! Thats wild! No, I had no idea.
RACHEL: Oh my God this is sooo humiliating. I think the only thing that tops that was, was, was when I was in the eight grade and I had to sing the Copa Cabana in front of the entire school. I think I got about two lines into it before I ran and freaked out. Oh my God, my entire life is flashing before my eyes.
Ross: Oh, yeah, last week you had a wonderful, nutty, chocolatey kind of a cakey pie thing. (Rachel gives him a dirty look) Nothing, just, just, I'm fine.
Phoebe: So, here you are. It seems like yesterday I was talking to you in that little petri dish. Everyone said labor was the hardest thing I'd ever have to do, but they were wrong this is. Oh, I had the most fun with you guys! I wish I could take you home and see you everyday. Okay, I'll settle for being your favorite Aunt. I know Alice's sister has a pool, but you lived in me. Okay, so we're cool. Yeah, we're gonna be great. Little high fives! (Imitates the high fives.) Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! (One of the babies begins to cry.) Well, if you're gonna cry. (She starts crying.)
RACHEL: But I do not want to have everything decided for me. I spent my whole life like that. It's what I had with Barry, that was one of the reasons I left. I, I like not knowing right now and I'm sorry if that scares you but if you want to be with me you are gonna have to deal with that.
Chandler: Look, Ross, you gotta understand, between us we haven't had a relationship that has lasted longer than a Mento. You, however have had the love of a woman for four years. Four years of closeness and sharing at the end of which she ripped your heart out, and that is why we don't do it! I don't think that was my point!
Phoebe: Y'know I had a dream where Ross and Rachel were still together, they never broke up. And we were all just like hanging out, and everyone was happy....
PHOEBE: Ooh-oh! Someone's wearing the same clothes they had on last night. Someone get a little action?
Joey: I had the same dream!
Rachel: You had to do it, didnt you? You couldnt just leave it alone.
Joey: Oh, I had the opposite dream.
Phoebe: Yeah, I wouldve except I had a big spaghetti stain on the other side.
RACHEL: Well, you know, honey, I don't think everybody gets Smelly Cat. You know, I mean, if all you've ever actually had are healthy pets, then, whoosh!
Chandler: Ah, y'see, perfect might be a problem. Had you said 'co-dependent', or 'self-destructive'...
Ross: Okay. (They split it.) You know you probably didn't know this, but back in high school, I had a, um, major crush on you.
Joey: Nooo. I had a story all worked out but then Chandler sold me out.
Monica: We have to do this. We are playing for women everywhere. Okay, just think about every lousy date that you ever had, okay, every guy who kept on the TV while youre making out...
CHANDLER: Oh really, I didn't know they had foosball in the 1800's.
Monica: Yeah, Ive had them picked out since I was fourteen.
Rachel: What?! I didn't have a good time in Greece! Ross abandoned me! Okay, I couldn't get a plane out, so I had to stay in their honeymoon suite with people coming up to me all the time going, "Oh, Mrs. Geller, why are you crying?" I mean, it was sooo humiliating. I felt like such an idiot! I mean, it's all my fault! And you know why, because I make very bad decisions.
ROSS: And you had no idea they weren't getting along?
Ross: Im sorry I had to take such drastic measures to make my point, but Ilook, I just want you guys to be safe. (Monica comes out to throw out the garbage and Ross screams ) DANGER!!!!! (She completely ignores him and keeps walking.) Ahhh, huh? Unagi.
Monica: Oh, well dont take it to the same place you took the stereo, cause theyve had that thing for over a week.
Rachel: (upset) All right, well, if you must know... I had a traumatic... swing incident... when I was little.
Monica: Six? I just had it for one night. Its three.
Ross: Absolutely. (Very Squeaky.) I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, (deep voice) I'm fine. I'm not saying I wasn't a little surprised to see you guys kissing. I mean, at first I was like.. (Screams.) But now that I've had time to absorb it; Lovin' this.
Phoebe: Pretty big? Its huge! God, this guy doesnt have a clue! Hes just walking down the street thinking, I had sex with Rachel Green. I rock! then bam! Hes a father and everythings different.
Chandler: Again, let's journey back... As I recall what Rachel said, was she had never notice the shape of your skull before. And Joey... Well, Joey didn't realise that there was anything different.
Rachel: Oh you know what? When I was a little girl I had a little pink pony named Cotton. Oh I loved her so much, I took her everywhere, I would braid her tail...
PHOEBE: I'm not gonna. But you know what's cool though? Ok, if you had a friend named Pete, then I could say, 'Oh yeah, I know Pete, he's friends with my brother.'
Joey: No wonder Rachel had to read this so many times.
Monica: So you had fun, huh?
Rachel: You had no right coming down to my office Ross. You do not bring a picnic basket to somebodys work! Unless maybe they were a park ranger!
Rachel: Okay, thank you. Thatll be all. (The mail guy leaves and Tag starts to follow, but Rachel stops him.) (Excitedly) Wait! Wait! (Rushes over and closes the office-door.) Did you see that? That mail guy had no idea there was something going on between us. (They kiss.)
Frank: Well, no, maybe-maybe it wasnt perfect, but y'know it was pretty cool, y'know, cause we had all those great talks y'know.
Joey: Uh, really good. Really good. Yeah, I should be ready to kill myself any day now. (Chandler returns with a bobby pin and hands it to Joey.) Wow, you sure found that quick. (He tries the pin in the lock.) I justI wish I didnt feel this way about Rachel anymore, yknow? I wish things could go back to normal. I mean, I love living with her and God, helping out with the baby is just amazing, but now I think I think Ross feels left out. Yknow? When I had to take Rachel to the hospital, the doctor thought I was the father. God You shouldve seen the look on Rosss face. (Pause) By the way, I have no idea what Im doing here. For all I know Im just locking it more. Oh hey, did you try opening it with a credit card?
Richard: No its not too soon, I had lunch at a eleven.
Rachel: I just saw Danny getting on the subway with a girl and he had his arm around her.
Rachel: Ross, you had sex with another woman!
Chandler: I didn't know you had another level.
Rachel: Well it happened about six weeks ago, and uh I had just got home from work and Ross was already there cause I guess he had been hanging out with Joey.
Rachel: Y'know, it was, uh.. it was actually really great. He took me to lunch at the Russian Tea Room, and I had that chicken, where y'know you poke it and all the butter squirts out...
Kate: Well umm, maybe if it had more heat.
Ross: No the mans right, thats what I had with Rachel.
Janice: (entering and singing) Monica and Rachel had syrup, now I can get my man to cheer up. (laughs hysterically) Good morning Joey.
Kate: Yeah, thats pretty much what I had in mind.
Joey: Look, the point is, theres a lot of women out there you havent even had sex with yet!
Ross: I don't know, but when I spoke to her, she said she had already passed the mucus plug.
Joey: Well, we only had samboucha, so it is now.
RACHEL: Well, um . . . I don't know.� I mean, for a long time nothing.� But you know, actually right before you picked me up, Ross and I had a . . . ah . . . little thing.
Rachel: Then, we had this big, stupid fight, and I said I wanted to take a break, I dont want to take a break.
Mrs. Geller: Here, sweetie, here. I took these when I had my golfing accident. (Hands Ross a bottle of pills. Then turns to Monica and pats her hair over her ears)
Chandler, Phoebe, and Rachel: I had one.
Kathy: Yeah, they teamed us up as partners. Joey picked three scenes for us to do; all of them had us making out.
Ross: No, no, no. Technically the... sex is not... being had, but that's... see, that's not the point. See, um, the point is that... Rachel and I should be, er, together. You know, and if you get in the.... um...
Monica: Joey, you had the night!
Frank: Wait, y'know what, I-I came to you because I thought youd understand! Oh no!! Y'know, I would storm out of here right now if-if I had some money, or a place to go
Phoebe Sr: Ohh, well. Y'know we were always together, in fact the had a nickname for the three of us.
CHANDLER: But we had one of the greatest talks we ever had last night. I mean it was, it was like when we first started living together.
Ross: At least they knew what yours was. Y'know, yours had a name.
JOEY: Hey and everbody is so nice. I just had a good talk with that lady with the red hair, Jeannie.
Joey: Hey, Bonnie had sex there!
Joey: (to himself) And I ate the food, I had the fish, it was good, yeah. It was good, yeah...
Rachel: And so I had a lot of work to do so Ross, nice guy that he is, offered to help me out. And then we had a little wine, we got to talking, and the next thing you know out of nowhere Ross comes on to me.
Rachel: Oh well, y'know, the gala had to end sometime.
MONICA: My stock, MEG, it went up 2 points. Hey guys, do you realize that if I had invested my $127 in myself yesterday that I'd like have...a lot more than that today. Ya know what, I'm gonna do it.
Ross: I just, I had to see you one more time before you took-off.
Chandler: Janice! There you are! There you are! I had to have one last kiss, and also-also you said that you were going to leave right after I got on the plane!
Chandler: Oh, I thought you were great in Silence of the Lambs. Oh come on, admit it! All things considered, you had fun tonight.
Kathy: The Velveteen Rabbit. I kinda have the feeling you had something to do with it.
Phoebe: Wow, a house for dolls, that is so cool! When I was kid, I had a barrel.
Rachel: (shocked) They had to have that specially made?!
Chandler: Well, stuff like where we'd live, y'know? Like a small place outside the city, where our kids could learn to ride their bikes and stuff. Y'know, we could have a cat that had a bell on its collar and we could hear it every time it ran through the little kitty door. Of course, we'd have an apartment over the garage where Joey could grow old.
Chandler: It was working until you showed up, you big tree! I mean, this isnt fair. You had your chance with her! You had your chance and you blew it! And this is my chance and I am not going to blow it because we are meant for each other! And this is all just been one stupid mistake! (Sits down heavily.) I was gonna propose tonight.
Joey: Um-hmm! Look, I-I-I don't know how much more of this I can take! Did you know he taped over my Baywatch tape with some show about bugs! My God! What if that had been porn?
Joey: Uh, Pheebs, you had a barrel for a dollhouse?
Ross: What do you mean? Nothing happened! I had to get out of there.
Chandler: Okay! (They hug.) I was gonna wait til uh, it was official yknow? But I got so excited I just had to tell you guys because youre my best friends.
Present Chandler's voice: Remember that big party? Freshman year? A week before Christmas vacation? I do. You had some visitors.
Monica: Y'know what, Ive got to walk out of here right now, cause getting over you is the hardest thing that I have ever had to do. I dont think I could do it again.
Ross: Uh-uhWow! Uh, I thought you guys were just like making jokes, I had no idea. What you know what? You guys are wrong. Uh yes, there is a chronological age difference but I never notice it. You know why? Because she is very mature. Besides, it doesnt really matter to me what you guys think. I mean, Im the one dating Elizabeth, not you!
Rachel: Oh really? Well how would you like it if I had sex with you and I taped it? (Joey smiles luridly) Oh forget it! (Ross enters.) Oh there he is now, the father of my child, the porn king of the west village.
Joey: Back when you and Rachel were together, if Chandler had kissed her, would you hear him out?
Rachel: Joey, had reasons.
Ross: It was 5:30 in the morning, and you had rambled on for 18 pages. Front and back!! (they go into the living room, trapping Monica, Chandler, and Joey in the kitchen) (to Rachel) Oh-oh-oh, and by the way, Y-O-U-apostrophe-R-E means you are, Y-O-U-R means your!
Chandler: You had a dream about a girl that I am seeing?! Oh, that is so cool! (To Monica) I can't tell you how many times I've dreamt about a girl that he was seeing. (Seeing Monica's stare.) (To Joey) Anyway we're talking about your dream. (To Monica) I love you. (To Joey) Your dream? (Leans in to listen closely.)
Ross: I dont know what to say, Im sorry. Though, youre not supposed to take these. (Points to the bone) Its like a million years old, we, we actually, we had people looking for that.
Chandler: Oh, I hate that. I once had a thing of half and half, stole my car.
Vince: No-no its okay. Its just that ah, I thought we had something pretty special here. And y'know I-I felt like you were someone I could finally open up to, and (starts choking up) That theres so much in me I have to share with you yet.
Ross: Joey, had an imaginary childhood friend. His name was?
Ross: Y'know what? It sounds so weird to say this but, I just had a great day with Janice!
Joey: No, I had sex in high school.