words in movies
(She takes the pencil out of Monica's coffee and Monica puts her cup down in disgust.)
[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there but Chandler. Phoebe runs in, excitedly.]
(Chandler comes in.)
Chandler: It doesn't matter. I just don't want to be one of those guys that's in his office until twelve o'clock at night worrying about the WENUS.
Chandler: Thanks, Phoebe. But I just don't really see myself in a big white hat.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler walks in, wearing a suit.]
Chandler: Hey, you guys in the living room all know what you want to do. You know, you have goals. You have dreams. I don't have a dream.
Phoebe: Ooh! I know what you could make! (runs over to join Monica and Rachel in the kitchen) I know! Oh, you should definitely make that thing... you know, with the stuff? (Monica doesn't know.) You know, that thing... with the stuff...? OK, I don't know. (sits down)
Ross: Hey guys, does anybody know a good date place in the neighborhood?
Celia: I can't stand this! He's got his claws in my...
Chandler: Eight and a half hours of aptitude tests, intelligence tests, personality tests... and what do I learn? (he taps the results and reads them) "You are ideally suited for a career in data processing for a large multinational corporation."
Rachel: Oh! I see. And I've sort of been maintaining my amateur status so that I can waitress in the Olympics.
Chandler: You know, I don't mean to brag, but I waited tables at Innsbruck in '76. (dead silence) Amouz-bouche? (holds out tray)
Joey: (in disbelief) Vulva?
Ross: OK. (closes eyes) I'm in my apartment...
Ross: That's it. I'm in my apartment, you're not there, we're not having this conversation. (gets up, walks across room)
Joey: Come on. Come on. Alright, ready, look! (in a low voice) Oh... Ross.... you get me so hot. I want your lips on me now.
Chandler: This is great! (he presses a button on his intercom) Helen, could you come in here for a moment?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is on the phone. Rachel walks in and overhears the conversation.]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, later. Rachel is waitressing, Monica is cooking. Phoebe walks in with Steve (Crystal Duck winner Jon Lovitz).]
Phoebe: (whispers) In the cab, on the way over, Steve blazed up a doobie.
Steve: (from the living room) Is it dry in here? (licks his lips)
Monica: Oh, well... um, that's all there are of these. But in about eight and a half minutes, we'll be serving some delicious onion tartlets.
Steve: (looking in cabinets) Hey! Sugar-O's! (grabs the cereal box)
Phoebe: What about this? (she starts using her elbows on his back, he yells in pain)
Phoebe: There you go! (She continues to work him over with her elbows and he continues to yell in pain.)
Chandler: Well, you can see my dad in Vegas kissing other dads.
Rachel: Shell be out in a second. So, Chip, hows umm, Amy Welch?
Chandler: (laughs) Oh thats great, my friend Joeys in the movie business.
The Interviewer: So, thats it. I guess thats all I need. Thank you so much. I think they will be running this in the beginning of next month.
Commercial: (in the background their singing Smelly Cat) Problem odour in the litter box? Dont change your kitty, change your kitty litter.
Rachel: Okay, Pheebs, yknow what, lets look at this objectively all right? Ninth grade, right? The obsession starts. All right? The summer after ninth grade he sees me in a two-piece for the first time, his obsession begins to grow. So then
Joey: (still trapped in the entertainment center) WHAT?!!
Ross: Four percent. Okay. I tip more than that when theres a bug in my food.
Chandler: SoYou got in voluntarily?!
Phoebe: Yeah, but did you see the dents in his knuckles? That means he's artistic.
Rachel: Gotta go! (Opens the door to a boy in a cape.) Hi! Wow! There you go! (Hands him some candy.)
RACHEL: Oh, I'm sorry. You know what? I cannot have this conversation with you. I mean, god, you just come in here, and drop this bomb on me, before you even tell Daddy. What? What do you want? Do you want my blessing?
Monica: (in an Irish accent) Monica Gellerrr. (She rolls her R)
Chandler: (to Rachel) And you Ross, I believe, if you check Rachels bag you will find a half-eaten box of cookies in there.
Chip: The movie theatre, you used to come in all the time.
Ross: So when I came in here to see if you wanted to maybe start things up again, you were engaged to my best friend.
[Ross comes out of Rachel's bedroom in her bathrobe and heads for the bathroom. On his way back, Richard comes out of Monica's bedroom in her bathrobe.]
Chandler: I hope you know what Im giving up for ya, because shes not just the boss in your office, if you know what I mean.
MR. GREENE: No no no, no no no, neat, as in no rocks.
All: Wow!! (they all recoil in shock and horror)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are hosting a New Year's party. So the place is crowded and in a shameless promotion for NBC they're watching Jay Leno's coverage of New Year's from Time Square.]
[Scene: Joey and Janines apartment, Chandler walks in. Joey and Janine are knitting at the kitchen counter.]
Phoebe: Yeah, but theres a two-year wait. And then what if you get engaged in two years and then you got to wait another two years for this place. Thats four years. Chandlers not gonna wait that long. Hes gonna find somebody else, yknow? Someone, someone who did put their name on the list. (Rachel agrees.)
Phoebe: Its not like we-we know each other or anything. Or that have anything in common.
[cut to Monica cleaning the floor in the kitchen]
Chandler: Oh. (Goes and gets Phoebes book as Rachel comes in from her room.)
Joanna: Im in my bosss car!
Joey: Why did I have to say Mike? I don't know a Mike! Why couldn't I have said... (Looks through his address book) There's no guy in there!
Monica: Look Ross, the only question you need to ask is, "Do you see a future?" I mean like do you see yourself marrying her? (Ross pauses in consideration.) Oh my God! You did it already! You married her, didnt you?!
[Scene: Phoebe's class, the class has already started and Rachel walks in late.]
Chandler: Look, Monica has been working hard all day, she didn't wanna host this thing in the first place, we shouldn't go!
Chandler: (in a manly voice) Yeah well, Im gonna go spit. (He goes into the bedroom. On his way out, Joey gives Rachel a wide berth.)
Phoebe: Aw. (Phoebe gets a bad taste in her mouth when he looks away) Im justIm in a place in my life right now where I I
Ross: No, no, no. Technically the... sex is not... being had, but that's... see, that's not the point. See, um, the point is that... Rachel and I should be, er, together. You know, and if you get in the.... um...
Joey: Sometimes I get in here just to get away from it! Hey, a nickel!!
[Scene: Rachels office, Rachel is coming in for the day.]
Rachel: Well, why do yknow go in that room (points to the room Ross is in) and do your homework?
Monica: Okay ah, please dont freak out. Umm, but ah, theres a blue fingernail in one of the quiche cups, and theres no way to know which one.
MR. TREEGER: He musta been sweepin'. They found a broom in his hand.
[Cut to Monica and Rachels apartment as Rachel returns in tears.]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Continued from earlier, Rachel is now telling everyone of her experience in the garbage room.]
CHANDLER: Hey, stick a fork in me, I am done.
Rachel: Well, that shouldnt be a problem. I mean I work in fashion and all I meet are eligible straight men.
Joey: I'm gonna be in the waitin' room, handing out cigars.
Chandler: Guys, guys, guess who I am?! (starts dancing around in an effort to stop the fighting.)
Phoebe: Hello handsome. (Sees Ursula over her shoulder) Oh God. (Walks away in shame as they kiss.) Oh look at you two. So when did you guys meet?
Vince: (starting to cry) Im sorry, I cant talk. Im gonna go write in my journal. (walks away)
Chandler: You know, I don't get this. A month ago, these people were my friends. You know, just because I'm in charge doesn't mean I'm a different person.
(This gorgeous woman in spandex walks up)
Steve (sobbing): I - I can't believe I�m crying in front of you. You must think I'm so pathetic.
LITTLE BULLY: Well then here's the deal, you won't have to so long as never ever show your faces in this coffee house ever again.
[Scene: The Philly, With or Without You is playing. (Which is the same song Ross played for Rachel in TOW the List.)]
(Janice starts to breath into it and sucks in the reciept, and then spits it out.)
Phoebe: Yeah! In really long hour world.
Phoebe: Hey, you know what might help you deal with it? Think of it this way, you and Emily are in the past and you can't be mad about the past. So are you still mad about the Louisiana Purchase?
Chandler: You know, we dont really take advantage of living in the city.
Ross: Oh much, much worse. I did my impression of Joan Rivers as one of the earliest amphibians... (gestures with his hands and says in an impression voice?) "Can we walk"? (Phoebe starts laughing) Oh, you... you like that?
Rachel: Ohh, not compared to you. (Chandler nods in agreement)
(She turns and looks in the mirror, and its way, way over done. She looks like she has two black eyes.)
Phoebe: Happy Holidays. Feliz Navidad. Allo, and Merry Christmas. (A man put some change in her bucket.) Ohh thank you sir. Here's some joy. (She waves her hand up and down as if she is spreading joy.)
Rachel: God, the first time he smiled at me... those three seconds were more exciting than three weeks in Bermuda with Barry.
Ross: Wait, wait a minute, there's no light on the back wall! How do I know when it's gonna start? Hello? (he slowly turns and the spraying begins, on his face) Ah, oh, ah! (he turns, but then he turns again and is sprayed in the front again) Ah! (he spits and angrily goes out of the spray-on tan booth and the assistant enters the room) The same thing happened again!
(Joey takes the ice-bucket with the champagne bottle in it and puts it on his sore spot)
PHOEBE: [Standing in living room with Chandler and Joey. She pulls a huge bathing suit out of a box] Hey, Mon, what is this?
Ross: All right, the score is nine to eight in favor of the guys. Ladies if you miss this the game is theirs, pick your category.
Ross: Oke-dokey. (He pokes her in the eye with the brush.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the next morning, Ross, Phoebe, Chandler and Monica sit round the coffee table, playing Scrabble. Rachel, still in her dressing gown, is pleading on the phone, her free hand shaking with agitation.]
Ross: (she lets him in) Okay! (to her son) Hey Tommy.
Chandler: You got the lead in a movie? That's amazing! What's the movie about?!
Chandler: (entering) Okay. You were right. I'm in love with Joey's girlfriend.
Chandler: (laughs) Right in there!
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is sitting in the canoe as Joey runs through the door carrying an outdoor patio table.]
Joey: (sees Monica) Fire trucks! (Chandlers eyes double in size and he turns to Monica who doesn't understand what's happening. Then he turns back to Joey, who says "you're welcome" without a sound)
ROSS: Come on up. I'm gonna get the rest of his stuff together. [walks in his room]
Alice: Ohhh. (They embrace in a very passionate kiss.)
Phoebe: Ok. I mean I know I did the right thing. You know, Mike never wants to get married and I shouldn't be in a relationship that has no future... but... pretty soon I'm gonna miss him so much. I'm gonna wanna see him again and you have to stop me from doing that.
Phoebe: (picking up Monica's used Kleenex and putting some in her pocket.) Sure.
[Cut to Chandler entering his and Monicas apartment alight with a thousand candles in The One With The Proposal.]
Joey: (To Ross in the kitchen) All right, it's another commercial; I still haven't told her!
Chandler: (in a British accent) Hello, Janice.
Ross: Here. (Hands her, her cough drops) (to Rachel) At least I made ten bucks in my relationship.
Phoebe: 'Cause, you know, (in that voice) if you don't look good, we don't look good. I love that voice.
Rachel: Throw in the duck too!
Chandler: Well, I have a call in about that.
Phoebe: Nothing! I swear to God I didnt know you guys would be here! And the good news is you didnt believe in soul mates. So
[Kathy whispers something in Joey's ear]
(The rest of the crew start to drive away leaving Joey sad, alone, and holding his congratulatory balloons as the song comes up again. La-la-la. See, I've been through the desert on a horse with no name! It felt good to be out of the rain! In the desert you can't remember your name, 'cause there ain't no one for to give you no pain. La-la-la, la, la, la )
Cheryl: Um, would you like to come in?
Rachel: Okay look, let me paint you a little picture. (She sits down next to him.) All right, you are settin sail up the Hudson! Youve got the wind in your h(sees that hes bald)arms! You-you get all that peace and quiet that youve always wanted! You get back to nature! You can go fishin! You canooh, you can get one of those little hats and have people call you captain, and then when youre old, Cappy.
Monica: Oh, is everything in the car?
COMMERCIAL VOICEOVER: Can't get the monkey off your back? Then put it in your mouth...
Joey: (sarcastic) Oh no this is devastating! My faith is shaken. Im so glad I have the new chair to get my through this difficult time in my life.
Chandler: Sure. (Pause) And listen, thanks for doing that for us, by the way. (Retreats in defeat.)
[Scene: Back in the kitchen at the funeral. Phoebe is there, Monica enters.]
Robert: Oh, no thanks. I always carry one in my sock.
Joey: So you're gonna have to do it in the mess!
Ross: Ohh, God, nobody likes him, and hes so cheap, hed never fly to London in a million years. Yeah, invite him? Hey, did I do these neat enough? (Hands her some envelopes.)
Mrs. Burkart: (in grief) Jack used to handle the finances! (Breaks into tears)
Joey: (on phone) Yeah, my neighbor... (Listens) Yeah, the brunette... (to Monica) She says you looked very pretty the other day in the green dress.
Rachel: You guys, come on, it doesn't matter why we're late. We're all here now, please let us in so we can have some of your delicious turkey. (A slice of turkey on a piece of aluminum foil is slid under door)