words in movies
[Scene: Chandler and Monica's apartment. They are having a diner party with Phoebe and Mike.]
Mike: (raising his glass) Thank you guys for having us over.
Mike: (walks to the couch with coffee for Phoebe) Here you go.
Mike: Oh, it's just... It's up to you. It's your name. You've got to live with it.
Mike: You're a strange kind of grown-up.
Phoebe: Joey, you can't make someone do something they don't want to do. Believe me, there's something I've been trying to get Mike to do in bed and there's... he's just...
Mike: Woo-wo-hey-hey-hey... Can we not talk about that right now?
Joey: Hey, hey... I can convince people to do anything, you know. I bet I can even get Mike to do that "thing". What is it?
[Scene: Phoebe is at Central Perk. Mike enters.]
Mike: Hey (He kisses Phoebe)
Mike: Ah! I missed you
Mike: So, what's new?
Mike: That's great! You changed you name?
Mike: (afraid) You're kidding right?
Mike: You really did that?
Mike: Yeah, but you can't do that.
Mike: (looks at her astonished) Alright, then I'm gonna change my name.
Mike: Crap Bag.
Phoebe:(not amused) Mike Crap Bag?
Mike: No, no Mike, just Crap Bag. First name Crap, last name Bag.
Mike: Yeah, I'm serious. (sarcastic) It's fun, it's different and no-one else has a name like that!
Mike: I do love it, and I love your name. I love Princess Consuela.
Joey: (frustrated) Ahh! There's gotta be a way. I mean, you know, if Monica and Chandler move out here and now Phoebe is married to Mike. That just leaves me and Ross and Rach, you know what I mean?
[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe and Mike are leaving.]
Mike: After you, miss Banana Hammock.
Phoebe: Oh hi Rita! Good! (to Mike) Oh, Rita's a massage client.
Mike: Oh! Why don't you introduce me?
Mike: Why don't you tell her my name?
Mike: If you need an easy way to remember it, just think of a bag of crap.
Phoebe: Yeah... Ogh... Okay, fine. You made your point. Can you please just be Mike Hannigan again?
Mike: Only if you'll be Phoebe Buffay.
Mike: Really?
Mike: Do you even know what a banana hammock is?
Mike: It's a Speedo.
Mike: Lima.
Mike: Completely anonymous. From two kind strangers.
Mike: And "X" is spelled uhm... "Mike Hannigan".
Monica: (to Chandler) Oh my God. That was so amazing! When did you (pause) Hold on! I almost forgot (she turns to Mike) loser! (back to Chandler) When did you stop sucking?
Phoebe: Yes, I do! Today is Mike and my one-year anniversary.
Ross: I don’t know. Phoebe, if one of us saw Mike with another woman would you want us to tell you?
Mike: Look, if Phoebe wants to marry David, she should, I'm not gonna stand in the way of that and neither should you.
Mike (to the charity guy): Oh my God, I love your shirt!
Mike: Yeah.
Mike: Thanks for coming you guys.
Mike: Is that why your hand is pressed against my crotch?
Mike: You both wanna do it? Uhm... there's only room for one.
Mike: Hey guys, how is it going?
Mike: No more so than acting.
Joey: Strike three! You only get one more, Mike!
[Scene: Wedding rehearsal dinner. Joey and Mike are talking.]
Mike: Yeah, yeah. Hey, thanks for doing that.
Mike: You're right. She probably will support me. Hey, unless we move in with you, dad?
Mike: Do I have a minute to go to the bathroom?
Mike: Is that what you say to Chandler?
MIKE: huh.� (pause)� What's the difference between beer and lager?
Mike: Hey.
Mike: (looking around the room) This is... great...
(Mike enters the room).
Mike: Joseph.
Mike: (thinks a moment) Orchids?
Joey: (to Mike) Hello Michael.
Mike: That must have been one lousy movie.
(Mike and Joey come out of Joey's room)
(Mike walks in.)
Mike: Oh, you haven't picked yet. Oh good, 'cause I had an idea. I thought it would be fun if the third groomsman was my family dog. Chappy.
Mike: Hey, I forgot my scarf.
Phoebe: (Turning to Mike) What do you think?
Mike: I think I wanna get married to you today.
Mike: I guess.
Mike: Oh, no!
Mike: Well, I know this is gonna sound crazy, but, we could not let the box of rats ruin our lives.
Mike: My God! Aren't you freezing?
Mike: I love you too.
Mike: I do.
(Phoebe and Mike kiss)
Joey: Mike, do you take this woman to be your wife?
(Mike takes off his coat to give to Phoebe and the steel band plays "The Wedding Song")
Chandler: So, where's Mike?
(Mike puts the ring on her finger)
Mike: Well... hey, the key works...! (he looks as if he doesn't want to believe what's happening)
Mike: I'm not blowing her off, I actually just got off the phone with her, were going out tomorrow night, I mean I hope that's ok with you stranger from the coffee house.
Mike: The woman I love... (he walks to Phoebe) I love you... Which is probably something I shouldn't say for the first time in front of my parents... and Tom and Sue...Who are by the way the most sinfully boring I've ever met in my life...
MIKE: So, except for the fermentation process, beer and ale are basically the same thing.� Fascinating isn't it.
Mike: Oh, figuring out our wedding plans.
Monica: Hey! Where's Mike?
David: Allright... But... if I ever do come back from Minsk... (points at Mike) well, you just better watch out.
Phoebe: Listen, Mike, if you were Swedish and you were saying the word "lorkins" what flowers would that be?
Mike: Hey!
(Mike enters with a roll of paper in his hand.)
Joey: You know, the baby can't read, Mike!
Mike: (To Phoebe) I want one.
Mike: Seriously. Wanna make one of those?
Mike: Really?
Phoebe: Well, I told you I had to spend all the day clearing out stuff, so Mike could move in.
Phoebe: nothing, I'm excited about our date, Mike this is Ross Geller this is Mike Haaaaa (starts crying)
Mike: You know, kinda think of it, the capital of Peru IS "vtox". (opens the kitchen cabinet) Oh god! Oh!
Mike: You can't keep a rat in your appartment! They're extremely unsanitary, and they transmit leptospirosis and hantavirus.
Mike: Hey, what's going on?
[Scene: Phoebe's apartment. Ross is helping with the packing, Phoebe and Mike are also there.]
Phoebe: (To Mike) Oh, you just caught me off guard! Yeah, that would be nice.
Mike: Mom, dad, thanks for dinner.
Ross: (takes Chappy from Mike) Well, I guess I'm in the wedding then. Ha haaa... (smells Chappy) He stinks!
Chandler: Mike didn't tell you? You have to chose one of us to be in your wedding. One of his groomsmen fell out.
[Scene: Ross and Rachel's apartment.� Mike is blowing a note from his beer bottle.� Ross stares off to the side.)
Monica: (to Mike) Serve the ball, chump!
Mike: They have a game room downstairs! Ping pong and stuff.
Mike: (gets up) Joe, I love Phoebe. She's the single most important thing in my life. I'd die before I let anything happen to her.
Mike: No. well look can I think your weird and also cool for telling me the truth and also wanna kiss you.
Mike: Oh! Sorry, I guess I was thrown off by the mention of my name!
Phoebe: Well no, when I get to the point where... you know... I'm ready to hear cruel mocking jokes about Mike... I'm gonna come to you.
Mike: But please, let's just forget the whole thing.
Mike: So you forfeit?
(Mike starts to kneel in front of Phoebe.)
Mike: I heard that weddings are like a 40 billion dollar a year industry.
Originally written by Michael Borkow, Mike Sikowitz & Jeffrey Astrof Transcribed by Joshua Hodge. Minor additions and adjustments by Dan Silverstein.
Mike: (disbelieving) I think I will be all right! (to Monica) You wanna volley a bit for a serve?
Monica: Okay, Mike and Joey, get in position. Chandler, come with me. (they walk off, Ross looks down to Chappy, who he's holding and he gets a whiff of the dog's smell. He is clearly disgusted by it.)
Mike: Oh, no! I don't think so! You know, according to standard table tennis rules if at any time a player uses his non racket bearing hand to touch the playing surface he or she forfeits the point.
(David produces the ring. At the same time, Mike walks in, behind David)
Mike: (to Chandler and Ross) You know, Chappy's too small to handle all this snow. Someone's gonna have to walk him down the aisle.
Monica: You had a bathroom break at 2030. Pee on your own time, Mike! (to Phoebe and Mike). Now, in regard to the toast, okay, you wanna keep them short, nothing kills a rehearsal dinner like long speeches. Okay. You just get in, do your thing and get out!
Mike: Hey! You made it. Great! Chappy! Hi! (kisses his dad) Hi! (kisses his mom) Mom, I know getting married in the street isn't something you approve of...
Ross: (yelling in pain) I know nothing! Mike’s a great guy, it was hypothetical!
Mike: 'Days of Our Lives'! That's why you look so familiar!
Monica: They've only been going out for a few weeks and Phoebe is completely hung up on Mike! She'll say "No", David's heart will be broken, it will be too hard for them to recover from and then Phoebe will end up alone again.
MIKE: My cousin's a paleontologist.
Mike: Hi David. Chandler. Monica... (Looks at Monica, checking her big hair, aghast) Oh!
Mike: Why do you keep looking at the screen?
Mike: Well, if I ever goto Minsk, you'd better watch out.
[Scene: Phoebe's at her apartment waiting for Mike Ross comes over.]
Phoebe: Ok. Hello everyone and thank you all for being here tonight. So tomorrow's the big event and some of you might not know, but Mike and I didn't get off to the best start. (she reads a note). My friend Joey and I decided to fix each other up with friends so I, I... (Monica is twirling her hands in order to make Phoebe speed up her speech) oh I... hum... I gave it a lot of thought and I fixed him up with my friend Mary Ellen who couldn't be here tonight because... (Monica is tapping her watch with her finger) it's not important... she is in rehab. Anyway, so, ok, Joey said that he was fixing me up with his friend Mike, only he didn't have a friend Mike so he just brought, uhm, my Mike and, and (Monica clears her throat) but despite, you know... it got... it got good. Ok, I wanna take a moment to mention my mother, who couldn't be here...
Mike: To see who goes first, you got a quarter?
Phoebe: (looking at Mike) Oh, yeah! (turning to Chandler) Are you telling me you... you're not even... a little turned on by Monica, right now?
David: Right-o, right-o... (to Mike) Take good care of her. (and he leaves)