words in movies
Joey: (To Ross) What is the matter with you?!
Joey: Oh sorry, I hear divorce I immediately go to Ross. (To Rachel) Who-whos Barry and Mindy?
Ross: I know what you mean, Ive always wondered how different my life would be if-if Id never gotten divorced.
Ross: The first time! No seriously, imagine if Carol hadnt realized she was a lesbian.
Ross: Id bet Id still be doing my kara-tay. (Thats karate, hes just saying it that way.) Towards the end of our marriage I was doing a lot of kara-tay as a way of releasing the tension from yknow, not doing anything else physical.
Ross: No, I just think Monica was that fat.
Ross: What?!
Ross: Hey, do you guys think that if all those things happened, wed still hang out?
{Transcribers note: This is where the opening credits are, but theyre not the usual opening credits. Oh no! These credits are based on the world that would have been created had all of the above actually happened. It starts out with all of them at the fountain sitting on the couch as Fat Monica runs up and sits on the arm of the couch, tilting the whole thing towards her. It then goes on to show Rachels still a shop-aholic and with Barry. Fat Monica is sweating while cooking and dancing while eating a donut. Phoebe as the Wall Street shark smoking while on two cell phones. Then theyre dancing in the fountain. Joey entering as Dr. Drake Remoray and meeting a groupie. Chandler trying to write as a bird does its business on his shoulder and falling asleep while typing. Ross doing some kara-tay and trying to get Carol into bed. And finally, some more dancing in the fountain, them all flexing, and the turning out the lamp and shutting off all the lights bit from the first season. Just remember one thing, this is an alternate universe. Everything from every other episode doesnt apply, for instance, Ross and Rachel have no history. And in fact have not seen each other in years in this world.}
[Scene: A newsstand, Ross is buying a magazine and gets in line behind a woman.]
Ross: (recognizing her) Oh my God! Rachel Green?
Ross: No-no. Its-its me, Ross!
Rachel: Oh, Im sorry. Ross Tillman.
Ross: No, no-no, Ross Geller.
Ross: Yeah. Right.
Ross: Good-good, Im-Im married. (Shows her his ring.)
Ross: Is-isnt it the best?
Ross: Oh really, really great! Yeah! A-actually shes right down the street, umm, do-do you know what? You should stop bye and say hi.
Ross: Yeah? Oh-oh, shed be so excited!
Ross: Come on! (They start to leave.)
Ross: No, its okay. Some-some kid asked me to pick it up for him, but I dont
Ross: (putting the magazine back and holding the money for it) Okay.
Ross: Uh-huh. (Steps to a random kid nearby and hands him his money.) Hey, here you go buddy. Sorry, no porn for you. (To Rachel) Okay, lets go see Monica!
(She hangs up as Ross and Rachel enter.)
Ross: Hey Mon!
Ross: Mon, look who I ran into! (Gestures towards Rachel.)
Ross: And, and uh, you-you remember my friend Chandler. (Points to him.)
Ross: And thats Phoebe over there! (Points to her.)
Ross: (answering it) 1987, the day after Christmas, at Sean McMahons party. I played you one of my songs, yknow Interplanetary Courtship Ritual.
Ross: Sometimes, you should come over (Joey returns from the bathroom) sometime! Ill play you one of my other
Ross: (To Rachel) Hey-hey, or I could bring my keyboard over here sometime!
[Scene: A hospital, Phoebe is recovering from her heart attack as Ross, Monica, and Chandler are there to comfort and support her.]
Ross: Come on Pheebs, its not that bad! Yknow most people would be excited if they didnt have to work for a couple of weeks.
Phoebe: (To Ross) So whats going on with you?
Ross: Well umm, Ive been doing a lot more of my kara-tay.
Ross: Yeah.
Ross: Well, last weekend
Ross: will be two months
Ross: since I stopped trying.
Ross: What-what do you mean?
Ross: Oh.
Ross: Wow!
Ross: Okay, I think I got it.
Phoebe: Yeah! Or too, you could be two stockbrokers and youre-youre-youre rolling around naked on the trading floor and everybodys watching! (Ross looks at her.) It never happened.
[Scene: Ross and Carol's, Ross is trying to talk to Carol about what Phoebe told him.]
Ross: So honey, this morning was fun, huh? Me hopping in on you in the shower there.
Ross: Look Carol umm, I was, I was thinking maybe uh, maybe we can spice things up a little.
Ross: Carol our sex life isits just not working
Ross: Hey there little fella! Hey, uh-hey, why dont we get some shoes on ya, huh? Hey, why dont you show dad how you can put your shoes on, in your room! Yay!!
Ross: Yay! (To Carol) Seriously, our sex life I was thinking, maybe I dont know, we could try some-some new things. Yknow? For fun?
Ross: Well I dont know umm, (Pause) what if we were too tie each other up? (Carols shocked and obviously doesnt like that idea.) Umm, some people eat stuff off one another. (Carol doesnt like that idea either.) Nah! Umm, yknow we-we could try dirty talk? (Carol still says no.) Umm, we could, we could have a threesome.
[Scene: The hospital, Ross and Monica are in Phoebes room. Phoebe is in the bathroom and Monica notices smoke coming out from underneath the door.]
Ross: Come on. (Helps her into bed as her phone rings.) I got it.
Ross: I got it!
Ross: (on the phone) Hello? (Listens.) No she cant come to the phone right now. (Listens.) Oh, right no problem. Okay, bye-bye. (Hangs up.)
Ross: J-j-just relax, nobody yelled. Jack just was calling to make sure that you were getting better.
Ross: (To Monica) Yeah, shes fired.
[Scene: Ross and Carol's, Carol is working on something at the table and Ross is reading a newspaper on the couch.]
Ross: So honey this uh, this threesome thing umm, I mean how-how are you gonna start to find
Ross: Oh. (He takes the notepad she was using and looks at it.) Wow! (Flips to another page.) Huh. (Flips another page.) Boy! (Flips another page.) Well, someones been doing their homework. (Flips two more pages.)
Ross: Oh, I know. (Laughs) Yknow, just-just talking about it is getting me kinda
Ross: Yeah? Well, I-I think Bens asleep.
Ross: Yeah. Right. Save it. I can do that. (Gets up and does a little kara-tay.)
[Scene: The hospital, Chandler and Monica are there with Phoebe as Ross enters.]
Ross: Hey, Pheebs!
Ross: Hey, hows it going?
(Phoebe mocks what Monica just said. Ross pulls Chandler aside.)
Ross: She doesnt know she was fired yet, does she?
Chandler: (To Ross) But I think we should tell her.
Ross: Hey Pheebs, maybe this whole heart attack thing is a sign, that-that you should start think about getting a different job.
Phoebe: Okay, what is this? A stupid contest? Because we got a winner here! (Points at Ross.)
[Scene: Ross and Carol's, Ross and Carol are waiting anxiously for their new partner to arrive.]
Ross: Were really gonna do this, huh?
Ross: Yknow, if, if this is too weird for you, we can still back out at (A knock on the door interrupts him.)
Ross: Okay.
(They start moving towards the bedroom, never taking their eyes off each other. They move past Ross and stop.)
Ross: Im-Im Ross by the way.
Susan: (not taking her eyes off Carol) Hello Ross. (Takes off her coat and hands it to him.) I love what youve done with this space.
(They disappear into the bedroom leaving Ross standing in the living room holding Susans coat.)
Ross: How hot is this?!
[Scene: Phoebes hospital room, Joey and Ross enter as Phoebe comes out of the bathroom wearing her robe.]
Ross: Hey!
Ross: Look at you! Youre up!
[Cut back to her room, Joey and Ross are sitting there waiting for her.]
Ross: Hey Joe did Did you ever have a threesome?
Joey: (not quite sure of how to answer that) Well uh, look Ross I uh, I think Carols great and Im sure youre a very attractive man, but I .
Ross: No! The reason Im asking is that I sorta had one last night.
Ross: Yeah!
Ross: Yeah!
Ross: It was, it was okay.
Ross: Look, its just did, did you ever go to a party and think, "Would really anyone miss me if I werent here?"
Joey: Huh. But still Ross, youre worst day with two women, pretty much better than any other day! Yknow what I mean?
Ross: Oh-oh, absolutely!
Ross: Its just, my part seemed to be over pretty quickly and then, and then there was a lot of waiting around.
Ross: Not-not really. Th-th-there was just Carol.
Ross: No, she kept kicking me away!
Ross: No!
Ross: Oh I a lot of stuff!
Ross: A little. Yeah. I made a snack.
Ross: Just a sandwich. Turkey, a little mustard
Ross: It really was!
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is there as Rachel storms in.]
Rachel: Hi Ross!
Ross: Hey Rachel.
Ross: Umm, no.
Ross: That-thats always good news. Are you okay?
Rachel: Me? Im great! Im fine! Im sooo good!! But, you know whos not great?! Men! Youre a man right Ross?!
Ross: Yeah.
Ross: Okay. (He does so.)
Ross: Were sorry.
Ross: Didnt you spend last night at Joeys?
Ross: Look I-I dont know whats going on with you and your husband and what is hopefully an adult dog walker, look can I just say not all men are like that.
Ross: Hey! There are some men who will do whatever it takes to make their marriage work! Okay? There are some men who will stand by and-and watch as their wives engage in-in what only can be described as a twosome with some-some woman she barely knows from the gym!
Ross: Men. I guy I know.
Ross: She is not (Realizes) Shes gay. Oh my God. She is so gay! I cant believe this.
Ross: Im sorry your husband cheated on you.
Ross: Try telling my wife that.
[Cut to Rosss apartment, hes watching TV and eating some popcorn as the phone rings.]
(Ross grabs his things and runs to the door only to be blocked by his exiting students.)
Ross: Get Out!
Ross: Oh my God, wh-what happened?
Ross: I knew that was him!
Charlie: Ross, can I talk to you for a minute?
Ross: See, Rach, uh, see, I don't think that swearing off guys altogether is the answer. I really don't. I think that what you need is to develop a more sophisticated screening process.
Ross: Yes, please! (they move and sit down on a sofa) So, what's going on?
Ross: (holding her hand) Hey, you ok?
Susan: Honey, relax. Ross is great with him. (Ross looks at her.) Don't look so surprised. I'm a lovely person.
Mike: But Rachel I thought she just had a baby with Ross
Joey (gives a thumbs up sign): Okay, okay. Wait till you hear who I got for Ross.
Ross: Hi.
[Scene: Mon and Chan's, Ross enters]
Ross: I don't think they saw us.
Ross: I'm sorry... we... we can't.
Phoebe: Is that Ross?
Joey: Oh and (Ross begins to open the door and Joey says some gibberish word to indicate to Ross that hes not done yet. Ross closes the door again.) Okay, and uh if anyone needs help pretending to like it, I learned something in acting class, try uh, rubbing your stomach (Rubs his stomach) or uh, or saying mmm and uh, oh oh! And smiling (Smiles while pretending to stir a bowl), okay?
Ross: ... finally...
Joey: Okay, all right, whew! What do you say we all clear out of here and let these two lovebirds get back down to business? (Ross turns and glares at him.) Hey-hey-hey, I-I-I'm just talking here, he-he's the one doing your sister.
Ross: Its a little early to be drinkin.
Ross: Wow! Great! (Finds a pack of cigarettes.) Wait, dad who-whos cigarettes are these?
Ross: I think, subconsciously
Rachel: Come on Ross! You said you wanted to talk about it, lets talk about it!! How was she?
Rachel: Ross honey, this is very nice, but, but I-I got a crisis.
Joey: Well, I only said that because of Ross, you know. Then I saw him kissing Charlie...
Ross: No, NO! (they're moving to the side of the bed, where they sit down) Look, I need to talk to Joey. I mean, you guys just broke up. Before anything more happens between us, I need to know he's okay with it.
Ross: Hey, what are you guys doing?
Ross: (knocks on door) Rach, you there? (Joey and Rachel both get up from the bed)
Joey: Oh my God, it's Ross. What are we gonna do?
Ross: (knocks) Rach?
Monica: Just figured, 'cause you and Ross are...
Ross: Well, if you see him could you please tell him I'm looking for him?
Ross: Hey.
Ross: You know where Joey is?
Ross: Is everything okay?
Ross: Can I talk to you for a minute?
(Ross leaves the room)
Ross: And you know I wanted to ask Charlie out since the day I met her.
Joey's voice/Ross: What's wrong?
Joey's voice, but she sees Ross: Seriously... What is it?
Joey: Let's forget about Ross...
Ross: You guys ready to go?
Ross: Learn about Jesus...
Ross: Hey!
Joey: Yeah... we really need to talk to Ross...
Rachel: Sorry, I just uhm... I can't seem to get Ross out of my head...
Ross: Hey!
Ross: You're filthy!
Ross: Stop it!
Ross: Uh, actually I think she went to the salon.
Ross: I thought so.
Ross: Excellent! Excellent, now-now do you want another question or a Wicked Wango card?
Ross: You've never said that in your life, have you?
Ross: No! And somehow, we ended up with a joint checking account.
(Ross gets up and gestures to Rachel, we cut to Joey and Rachel)
(cut to Charlie and Ross)
Ross: Hey Rach...
Ross: (looking down) Are you wearing two belts?
Ross: Hey!
Joey: Ross, Ross, Ross... It's okay.
Ross: What?
Ross: Are you serious?
Ross: Wha... (gasps) What? What would give you that idea?
Ross: Thanks!
Ross: Hi!
Ross: Yeah!
Ross: Ah, yeah. We had a really good talk.
ROSS: I uh, I just got back from uh, from Julie's.
Ross: (returning from the phone.) So, I just picked up a message from Emily, she and Susan are going to a poetry reading together!
Ross: (gasps) OH NO!
Ross: (unpacking his bag) Okay, shoot!
Ross: Oh, yeah, no problems. Its all taken care of.
Ross: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. You were saying?
Rachel: Uh, look Ross, this really isn't easy.
Ross: He hasnt gotten out of that chair in two days.
Ross: Duh, you think? (enters the kitchen)
Ross: (to Rachel) So, hes just a nice guy. You really think this Mark doesnt want anything in exchange for helping him?
Ross: My God. Rachel! (He walks towards her, grasps her hands and kisses her on the cheek.) Your here. I cant believe it. (She giggles.) What happen? Why are you here?
Ross: (Thinking it over) Sure! (Takes one) Hey, I just found out, I get Ben for the holidays this year.
Ross: (I can't make it out.) The uh, your hair, before, your hair, you said you thought your looks like an 8-year-old's, and I'm just saying I like it. The hair.
Joey: Ross?
Ross: So you two are..?
Rachel: We feel so terrible about this, Ross.
Rachel: Ross, say something. Anything.
(Ross looks shocked and says nothing.)
[Scene: Moondance Diner. Ross, Phoebe, Joey, and Chandler are sitting at the counter, Monica is working. Monica is wearing her costume, including big fake breasts.]
Joey: Ross..
Ross: Hey, you gotta get Mom on the phone. Call Mom! Call Mom!
Ross: Weird.. your psychic didn't mention anything about the scary pigeon...
Ross: Okay, okay, Ill tell em it wasnt Chandler who got high. Now who should I say it was?
Rachel: (now looking up at the ceiling) That is hard to say, Ross. That is hard to say.
Ross: Oh, I'm no actor, I'm a professor of palaeontology.
Ross: What? Fine? Because I am! Aren't you? Aren't you? Aren't you? You see? Who else is fine?
Rachel: Okay! (Picks up the phone and starts dialing.) (In an Irish accent) "Hello Ross, this is Dr. McNeeley from the Fake Accent University, wed like you to come on board with us full time! (Hangs up.)
Ross: Look, I dont feel like dancing, I feel like having a drink. Okay?
Prof. Sherman: (confused) You're welcome. (Ross hugs him again)
Ross: My fajitas!!
(Ross laughs.)
Ross: That is gonna hurt tomorrow!