words in movies
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is filing her nails as Ross and Ben enter.]
Ross: Hi.
Ross: Hi, we have a little bathroom emergency.
(Ben starts to go, but Ross stops him.)
Ross: Uh, before we do uh, are any of Joeys special romance magazines in there?
Ross: (to Ben) Okay! All clear!
Ross: (to Ben) Everything okay in there?
Ross: Hey listen can you do me a big favor? The deans office just called and said there was an urgent meeting. Can you watch Ben for like an hour?
Ross: Oh, she isnt home.
Ross: Well, Ben would be there.
Ross: Whats the matter?
Ross: Rach, hes not an ex-con.
Ross: I dont know! Just-just talk to him-entertain him and keep him alive.
Ross: Okay. (Ben enters) Ben? Come here. All right, Im gonna leave you here with Aunt Rachel for about an hour. Okay? Are you gonna be okay?
Ross: (To Rachel) I wasnt talking to you.
Ross: Okay, Ill see you soon buddy. (He hugs and kisses him.) Be back in an hour.
Rachel: Bye. (Ross exits.) Ahhh (Silence) So this is fun, huh?
(She opens the door to reveal Ross with a pencil mark from his forehead to his chin.)
Ross: I have a bone to pick with you.
Ross: Yes! Ben learned a little trick.
Ross: Thats right! Thats right! Saran Wrap on the toilet seat so the pee goes everywhere!
Ross: Yeah that! You know I hate practical jokes! Theyre mean and theyre stupid and-and I dont want my son learning them!
Ross: I was barefoot. Now tell me, the toilet thing is the only thing you taught him right?
Monica: No that is not what happened with us. Well, I was umm, I was really sad that night because this guy that I was Rosss mom.
(Theres a knock on the door and Ross enters.)
Ross: Rachel! What are you doing here?
Ross: Your good friend?
Ross: Whats her last name?
Ross: Nice. And by the way that uh, that line down my face?
Ross: Wh-wh-what line? The line that prompted a student in my last class of the day to say uh, (In a college frat boy voice) "Dude, dont you ever was your face?"
Ross: Of course I was mad! I told you I-I hate this stuff! Okay? It-its not funny!
Carol: (entering from the kitchen) Hey Ross!
Ross: Hi.
Ross: Practical jokes.
Ross: You have a line down your face.
Ross: Uh, yknow what? Ill tell you who it hurts! It hurts the kid who has all his clothes stolen in gym class so he has to go to the principals office wearing nothing but a catchers mitt!
Ross: I will be! Listen, I dont want you teaching my son that stuff anymore. Okay?
Ross: No thats not what I want. Uh, Im glad you guys were bonding but I
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is in the kitchen as Ross and Ben are entering.]
Ross: Hey!
Ross: Hey Im sorry to do this to you again but uh, is there any way you can look after Ben for a little bit? I-Ive got this meeting at school. And-and he-he asked for his uh, Fun Aunt Rachel, so
Ross: Okay, Ill see you later pal.
(Ross turns to leave.)
Rachel: Ohh, okay. (Ross has a sign on his back that reads Poop.) WhAh-ha! (Ross stops and turns.) Wait a minute. Uh Ben, I cant do it.
Ross: What?
Rachel: I cant let him go out that way, hes got a meeting. (To Ross) Youve got something here on your back.
Ross: What? (She takes the sign off and hands it to him.) Thats great. That is great. (Crumples up the paper and throws it down in anger.) What did we just finish talking about Ben?!
Ross: All right, thats it! (He runs over to Ben, but he runs past him and out the door.) Comeyouno! You are in big trouble young man!
[Cut to the hallway, Ben runs upstairs with Ross in pursuit.]
Ross: Wait! No! Ben, come here! I am not kidding!
Ross: I-I-am(Suddenly Ross starts screaming and comes falling down the stairs landing just in front of Rachel.)
Ross: Just showing you my run-of-the-mill-slice-it-right-off third nipple.
Ross: I was backpacking across Western Europe.
Ross: A pigeon, a pigeon. (previously scared Rachel turns away) No, no wait, no-no, an eagle flew in. Landed on the stove and caught fire. The baby, seeing this, jumps across the apartment to the mighty bird�s aid. The eagle, however, misconstrues as an act of aggression and grabs the baby on its talon. Meanwhile the faucet fills the apartment with water. Baby and bird still up lays (?) are locked in a death grip, swirling around the whirl pool, that fills the apartment.
Ross: (mockingly)Yeah if only it were a sure thing like your 24 state lottery!
(He walks away and Joey does Rosss fist thing. He then enters Richards dressing room, to find Richard cutting his steak with his sword.)
[Time lapse, Ross is drinking something and decides to get Rachel again.]
Ross: I don't know, I'm one sorry polentologist. (Stops reading.) All right Joey, we get it. (To Chandler) I'm sorry.
Ross: Dad!! (Emily comes running in.)
ROSS: It would really help when I'm kissing you if you didn't shout out my sister's name.
ROSS: That, that's the only thing the zoo's ever told me.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is entering with a pizza and finds everyone but Ross there.]
Monica: I'll get it. (On phone.) Hello. (Listens.) Hi Emily! (Listens.) Yeah, uh you-you tracked him down. Hold on one second. (She hands the phone to Ross.)
(Ross knocks on Monica and Rachel's door)
Ross: (losing control, we hear him shout outside) MY SANDWICH?!!!
Ross: Well, I guess I can check out those apartment listings, even though there's never anything in here.
Ross: Im-Im Ross by the way.
ROSS: Kiwi? Kiwi? I thought it was a key lime pie.
Ross: Well look, I'm just trying to focus on the "I get to see my wife," part, all right? And not the part that makes me do this. (He takes a big swig of Pepto Bismol.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler and Ross are in the kitchen, Rachel and Monica are sitting in the living room, and Phoebe is, you guessed it, still on hold.]
Prospective nanny: (in a sweet, caring voice) I think that's really smart. The easier we can make the transition for her, the better. (Ross and Rachel seem pleased with the answer.)
Ross: (skeptic) So you're just like a... guy who's a nanny?
ROSS: I'm sorry. See that's the good thing about my job. All the dinosaurs on my table are already dead.
Ross: (chases her) Oh yeah, yeah? Well uh, when we were going out, I read tons of porno magazines! (Realizes a table of women overheard him.) (To that table.) Sup?
Rachel: (to Ross) Yeah, right. Look at you, youre practically giddy.
[Scene: The museum planetarium. Ross and Rachel enter on stage.]
Ross: Look, I didnt want to rush into anything. And it seemed like she didnt want to either. But I dont, I dont understand how any of this happened! What? Did she find the ring in my jacket, assume that I was going to propose, throw it on, and-and just start telling people?
Ross: I was doing great with Julie before I found out about you.
(Ross pours himself a glass of wine, hits record, and sits down in front of the camera.)
Joey: Come on Ross! Look, I-I dont have any brothers; Ill never get to be a best man!
Ross: No-no, Im Im sure no one was looking. Just want some privacy. (He closes the screen and stares wide-eyed at Rachel.)
Ross: I know, I mean a PhD is just as good as an MD.
RACHEL: [on phone] Ross, hi, it's Rachel. I'm just calling to say that um, everything's fine and I'm really happy for you and your cat who, by the way, I think you should name Michael. And, you know, ya see there I'm thinking of names so obviously, I am over you. I am over you and that, my friend, is what they call closure. [hangs up and tosses phone in the ice bucket]
Ross: Okay. (Throws off the last cushion.)
(He throws it back to Ross, but it's intercepted by Monica and the guys both scream in horror.)
(He and Ross crack up again. Joey just sits there)
ROSS: Ohhh. Big boy, riding the bus--Hey, I have a question. How come it says Property of Human Services on his butt?
Ross: Why, does it look like Im having trouble with my misshapen claw? (He hands Joey the form)
Ross: Uhh, Pheebs' Grandmother just died.
[Scene: after the wedding, Ross and Rachel are in the lobby]
Joey: Services? (Ross looks at him) Oh, services.
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Phoebe are there again, only now theyre not talking to each other. Phoebe is loudly stirring her coffee.]
(Phoebe and Ross go to look for Chandler and Rachel enters Monica and Chandlers.)
Ross: (looking then moving away quickly) Uh-huh! Uh-huh! And-and-and Ill always remember that summer because thats when I realized that we are related.
Ross: Nooo, I had to return it to the costume place.
Ross: No, no, NO, you cannot go to dinner with him.
(There is a monkey-like noise from within and Ross pushes past Mr. Heckles and enters his apartment)
Ross: He's a brilliant diagnostician!
Ross: Hmm? Oh, yeah. (he makes a growling sound)
Ross: ...run it all over your body until you're... trembling with... with...
Ross: But, you, you dont want to seem too pushy.
Monica: Yeah, yknow, but something like salmon which would be so much more elegant than the chicken. And, you wouldnt have to worry about the salmonella. (Ross pushes her.) So, I cant wait to see this place youre getting married!
MR. GELLER: It's the off light. Right Ross? [pans over to see Ross with an afro and moustache]
Ross: oh boy you got mad at that part. I went over there to tell him how great you are but you know me BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, and I ended up telling him that.
Joey: 18, uh? (starts to prepare himself to say his "How You Doin'" line) Ross: Joey, NO!
Chandler: So Ross, how was your date the other night? Did you tell her about the magical ride that starts with the flush of every toilet?
[The next one is from Episode 603: The One With Rosss Denial, Joey is amazing Phoebe and Monica by holding his breath.]
[Ross looks up as if saying that Joey was weird. He begins flipping through the pages, only to find that they are sticky. So one page is overlapping another, making two recipes look like one.]
PHOEBE: Oh God.� Remember the girls' nights we used to have sitting around talking about you and Ross?
ROSS: (silently mouthing) Bumpy?
(Ross chokes up and pauses. Rachel and Joey look at him.)
Phoebe: (to Ross) Im telling you, if you want to take care of that thing, you should go to my herbal guy.
Ross: (covering with his hand Chandler's face, like pretending he's not there) (to Monica) There're these two professors who are joining my department and I have to meet them here and show them around campus.
Ross: Look, Pheebs-Pheebs, it's gonna be okay.
Susan: Oh, that's so... (Susan hugs Carol, they giggle, Ross steps away) It really is...do we know...?
Mona: (entering) Hey Ross, whats going on? You changing the lock?
Ross: Uh sweetie, maybe youd be more comfortable here? (Gets up from the green armchair.)
Ross: Damn! I thought that was going to be romantic as hell!
Ross: Okay, if you could all walk slower, that'd be great.
Chandler: You got it. (Starts looking at the pad, while Ross got the turkey out of the fridge and starts to unwrap and it) You got Nevada twice.
Ross: What?! When have I ever touched myself in front of you guys?
Ross: (very interested) Oh! like what?! (Charlie looks at him confused, but smiling) Oh I'm sorry, I don't mean to pry... it's just that this must be what regular people experience when they watch "Access Hollywood".
ROSS: You know, I might have expected this of you Phoebe, but Ryan, you're a military man.
Rachel: Well, yknow what? Thanks to you Im half way there! Ugh! Oh! I am so mad! Ross, I dont think I have ever been this angry!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is returning from his horrible trek back home without pants on. The whole gang is there.]
Big Nosed Rachel: Y'know what? I've just had it with high school boys! They are just silly. (Ross is overhearing this.) Silly, stupid boys! I'm going to start dating men!
Emily: Dont you point your pants at me! (She throws them on the floor.) We have no choice! Anywhere thats half-decent wouldve be booked months ago, Ross dont you understand? This is our wedding Im talking about.
Ross: Okay look, do-do, you have anything Christmassy? I promised my son, and I really don't want to disappoint him, um, come on, I uh, you gotta have something.
Ross: I'm the holiday armadillo! I'm a friend of Santa's and he sent me here to wish you (Points to Ben) a Merry Christmas!
Ross: No I'm serious. I mean she wants to date people? Fine! I don't care but...at least she could have told me. You knowI...I've been putting my life on hold and just concentrating on Emma but if she wants to go out there kissing guys shebarely knows, then so will I ! Very funny! Ross is gay! Ah! Ah!
[Scene: The Rehearsal Dinner Hall. Chandler, Joey, Ross, Emily, Monica, and all the bridal party are seated at the table. Chandler gets up to make a toast.]
Ross: Yes, I do have a laundry room in my building, um, but there's a.... rat problem. Apparently they're attracted to the dryer sheets, and they're goin' in fine, but they're comin' out all.... fluffy. Anyway, say, sevenish?
Rachel: We've got to find a new pediatrician. Ross was getting sick last night, and I think Emma may have caught it.
Ross: A no sex pact huh? I actually have one of those going on with every woman in America.
Chandler: Yeah! If the car that backfired had run over you! Y'know what, I think I'll go home before Ross starts rambling about his newfound respect for life. (He gets up and starts for the door.)
ROSS: All righty roo. [closes the door] What a great moment to say that for the first time. [goes to get the cigarettes and glasses]
Ross: Oh, they'll like me. Once they come to my awesome PAR-TAY! Okay, I gotta run. I gotta go get some nametags. (Exits.)
Chandler: Well appealing as that does sound to her boyfriend (pause) and her brother, (the camera pans to Ross flashing Joey a very evil look; Joey gets scared) I cant do that we promised wed make each other gifts this year.
Rachel: What? What are you talking about?! You-you're the one who's been telling me to get over Ross and move on. I'm moving on, and you're moving on with me. Come on, give me one good reason why you don't wanna go.
Ross: Fine. Fine, but I want the record to show that I tried to take the high road, because in about five minutes Im gonna be saying (He laughs and points at Rachel sarcastically.)
Chandler: All right, Ross, I just have to do one thing, really quickly, it's not a big deal. (yells at Joey) GET UP!!
Ross: Okay, is everybody clear? Were gonna pick it up and move it. Now all we need is teamwork, okay? Were gonna lift the car and slide it out. Lift and slide!
Ross: Look, look, theres got to be a way we can work past this. Okay, (takes a hold of one of her arms.) I cant imagine, I cant imagine my life without you. (Both of them are starting to cry.) Without, without these arms, and your face, and this heart. Your good heart Rach, (drops to his knees and hugs her around her waist) and, and....
ROSS: Good morning. Hey pal, look who I brought. It's your old friend Harry Elefante. [Marcel grabs the elephant doll and throws it to the ground]
[Scene: A hallway, Joey and Ross find Mr. Geller with his ear up against a janitors closet door.]
Rachel: Ohhh!!!! (looking at something behind Ross)
Ross: Well, with everything thats been going on lately, I havent exactly been the perfect boyfriend. You know, I, uh, I didnt tell her I got Rachel pregnant. I gave her a key to my apartment, and then had the locks changed! And then I lied to her about Rachel moving in with me. In a way, I actually judge her for not breaking up with me sooner, you know?
(Ross starts jumping and screaming incoherently and hops over and joins in on the group hug.)
Ross: Yknow, the kind of fun, you and Susan had when we were married.
Ross: Wait a minute, I-I believe Im entitled to use my Angel Pass for a free turn?
Ross: It doesnt matter. You dont dip your pen in the company ink.