words in movies
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, (although its really just Monicas now with Matthew Perry in rehab) Monica is folding her laundry with Ross reading the paper and Phoebe standing in the kitchen.]
Ross: A no sex pact huh? I actually have one of those going on with every woman in America.
Monica: I gotta make up the guest bedroom. (To Ross) Hey, Cousin Cassie is coming to stay with us a few days.
Ross: Cassie?
Ross: Wow, I havent seen her for like forever. I wonder if she still carries that Barbie everywhere she goes.
Monica: Ross, shes 25 years old.
Ross: So what! I still haveNo youre probably right.
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is there as Chandler and Monica enters.]
Monica: (To Ross) Cassie needs to stay at your place.
Ross: Whatwhy?
Ross: What?! Chandler shes our cousin!
Ross: Fine, she can stay at my place. By the way, what-what does Cassie even look like now.
[Scene: Ross's apartment, there is a knock on the door and Ross opens it to Cassie.]
Ross: (shocked at her beauty) Cassie?!
Cassie: Hey Ross!
Ross: Hey!
Ross: Oh. Oh, thats right. So-so you did see me that day because it seemed like you didnt.
Ross: Its okay. Come, come on in.
Ross: Oh.
(She sets down her bag and we travel back to slow motion world. She once again whips her hair around in slow motion with the love doctor Barry White singing in the background. And Id also like to take this opportunity to mention that she can also be seen in Starship Troopers and that she was born in Downers Grove, Illinois which just happens to be a few miles from where I live. Anyway Cousin Ross is now staring.)
Ross: Uh-huh. Yeah I-I have a knack for impressions.
Ross: YeahNo!!
[Scene: Ross's apartment, Cassie is eating dinner and Ross is pacing behind her because of what shes eating.]
Ross: Cassie, how you-how you doin on that hot dog.
Ross: (quietly) Thank God.
Ross: Oh right. Right. Ooh, remember the time I uh, I pinned you down and tickled you til you cried? (She laughs) Were probably too old to do that now.
Ross: (looking then moving away quickly) Uh-huh! Uh-huh! And-and-and Ill always remember that summer because thats when I realized that we are related.
Ross: Well Im, Im a little slow. (To himself) Just as our children would be.
[Scene: Ross's apartment, Cassie and Ross are watching a movie and Cassie is pouring Ross some more wine as Ross has his hands full with the glass and holding the bowl of popcorn in his lap.]
Ross: (in his head) Shes your cousin. Shes your cousin! If she knew what was going on in your head shed think you were sick! (She grabs some popcorn.) Or would she? Lets back up a second. She was the one who suggested opening a bottle of wine. She was the one who turned down the lights. She was the one that wanted to rent Logans Run, the sexiest movie ever. (She grabs the blanket from behind him and looks at him.) Oh, I know that look. Forget it. I want it. She wants it. Im going in.
(They exchange looks, smile, and shrug their shoulders before Ross suddenly lunges forward in an attempt to kiss her, but she expertly backs away.)
Ross: (in his head) Say something clever! (Pause.) Okay, doesnt have to be clever, it just has to be words. Say some words. (Pause) Any words will do. (Pause) Oh my God! This is the longest that anyone has not talked ever! (Pause) There is nothing you can say to make this worse!! So just say something!! (Pause.) (To her) I-I, I uh havent had sex in a very long time. (She leaves.) (In his head) Yeah, you really shouldnt have said anything.
Ross: Look, its just did, did you ever go to a party and think, "Would really anyone miss me if I werent here?"
[Scene: The Reception, Joey is helping Ross walk after Gert got through with him and Mona is looking on concerned.]
Ross: Correct. Her actual favorite movie is...
[Ross goes to look in the magazine Rachel got her recipe from.]
Ross: I mean, I dont feel like I even have a girlfriend anymore.
Ross: Oh. Thanks. Uh, has anyone seen Rach?
Emily: Oh, Liam. (Ross laughs and takes her back.)
Ross: I can't believe this. I can't believe this is happening. I have to give the keynote speech tomorrow! Ok? I have to stand up in front of all these people. What am I gonna say?
[Scene: The Hallway, Ross, Phoebe, and Rachel are discussing the note.]
ROSS: (takes the phone, but speaks to Mike) I don't understand what just happened here.
(Rachel motions for Ross to close the privacy screen, which he does.)
RACHEL: Ok, Ross, try to hear me. Ok, I, hey, I'm not gonna lie to you. Ok, it was good with Paolo.
Rachel: Okay. Okay honey, hes fine, hes fine, lets just put him down. Come here, Ben. (sets him on the couch) See thats a good boy. (to Monica) How could you do that to him!! Ross trusted me, what is he going to say?!
Ross: Thats the day youre gonna die? Seedarnit, Ive got shuffleboard that day.
Ross: No! No I cant. I mean Rachels out with some guy. My baby went with her. If anything that picture keeps moving further away.
Ross: (singing) Hey, hey, you're my baby, and I can't wait to meet you. When you come out I'll buy you a bagel, and then we'll go to the zoo.
Ross: You come out there, you're a dead man.
Ross: I dunno, there's just something about...
Chandler: Well, Ross and Emily arent gonna use it.
Ross: (worried) Dude, I need to talk to you a sec.
Ross: (sees Joey) Hey. (walks into the living room) Uh, Chan, can I uh, can I talk to you for a second?
Rachel: Oh, look at the little cat! (a small kitten is on the roof behind Ross)
Ross: No, but Chandler, hello... Aren't you scared of dogs?
Ross: A ferry? My baby is going on a ferry? Do you have any idea how dangerous those are?!
Chandler: Hey Ross, I was wondering if Oh my God!! Where are all the men???
Ross: Oh yeah! Wasnt she uh (Does the international sign for big boobies.)
Monica: All right, Chandler can make boxes, Ross can wrap, and Joey can lift things. Now Phoebe, go tell the guys they have to help out!
Rachel: Yeah, but its okay, because when Ross left Mark came over.
Ross: I-I-am(Suddenly Ross starts screaming and comes falling down the stairs landing just in front of Rachel.)
Joey: But hey, Ross, this place is available now!
Ross: Hey! What do you guys think about this. "Ross: The Divorce-Force".
Ross: This isn't what I ordered! Man! Can anything go right in my life?! First my marriage falls apart and then
Ross: Okay, all right, Ill take you. Ill go call Joan. (Does so.)
Rachel: Ross! I just had a conversation with her, and she said that she and Joey made a deal!
Ross: Im understanding, but lets not get carried away.
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler, Joey, Rachel, and Phoebe are standing around the table drinking champagne as Ross enters.]
ROSS: Woah. Huh. You know about my, I mean, you know I had... you know?
Ross: oh no yeah, no Phoebe is great, but umm I'm an idiot look right before you guys went out I accidentally got her all upset.
Ross: Rach, did you proofread these?
Ross: Monica, let's go. Come on now people, woman in labor.
(Joey walks in and moves towards Ross, who's sitting of the sofa)
Phoebe: Umm, my friend, Bonnie. She just always thought Ross was really cute, and now that you two arent together, she asked if I could set it up, but if youre not cool with it...
[Scene: Rosss bedroom, he has fallen asleep waiting for Emily to call. He is awaken by the phone.]
ROSS: So, ah . . . So, how was it?�� Uh, did you guys. . . Did you guys have a good time?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross, Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe are eating breakfast.]
Ross: So, I uhm... kinda need to talk to you about Charlie.
Ross: Well I I havent actually told her yet. I dont want to scare her off, yknow?
Ross: Yknow, okay. Youre right. It is huge. So why dont we take it just a little bit at a time? Okay? Umm, forget getting married for a sec; just forget about it. Can you just come home and take a shower?
Ross: All right then. (Follows her in and checks the place out.)
Ross: Yeah! I opened up to her about all the terrible stuff that's been happening to me. I mean I talked for hours. (Joey has lost interest and is watching the race again.) It is amazing to have someone give you such-such focused attention.
Mr. Geller: (overacting) Thats a good one! Do you hear that Ross? Three days!
Ross: Sure, one year is paper, but two months is lapdance! (Joey nods his agreement.)
Mrs. Waltham: (As she walks pass Ross, she pats his but.) Call me.
Rachel: Oh my God. Oh my God Ross, no, hang up the phone, give me the phone Ross, give me the phone, give me the phone, give me the. . . (She jumps the couch and lands on Ross's back, finally getting the phone from him. Ross has a confused expression on his face.)
Ross: Oh, no no no. Nono, this is just vintage Rachel. I mean, things just sort of happen around you. I mean, you're off in Rachel-land, doing your Rachel-thing, totally oblivious to people's monkeys, or to people's feelings...
Rachel/Ross: Ooh, your lips are so soft... Do that again... (and she/he moves in for another kiss. Joey, pushes her head away again...)
Joey: I don't know who made you the boss? All right? We (Ross and him) invented this game!
Ross: (to Rachel) Haha! Looks like you're not going to be in the wedding either. (Looks at Phoebe) So sorry Pheebs.
Ross: Thank you. (to Rachel) So did you ah, did you tell Mark Something about me?
Ross: I was kinda, supposed to be on TV tonight for The Discovery Channel.
Ross: Sweetie, calm down, its gonna be okay.
The Salesman: Ohh, okay. (Laughs.) Something didn't quite add up there. (Ross stops, walks back to talk to the salesman, and in the process pushes Rachel up against a wall.)
Ross: (Covering his mouth with the glass.) How about all the way.
Phoebe: Uh, it's a piece of paper and it says, "Ross" on it.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross and Chandler are watching TV as Joey enters.]
Monica: I really like to say that Im-um (Pause) Yknow what Id really like to say? Im drunk!! (Mrs. Geller pulls the camera down.) Thats right mom and dad your little Harmonica is hammered!! (Ross grabs the camera out of his dads hands.) And guess what! Ive been drunk before! And Ive smoked a cigarette! And I got a box of Ding-Dongs hidden in my underwear drawer! Its all okay. Its okay because I turned thirty today. And, and I can do anything I want! Because I am a grown up. (Falls over sideways with Ross filming the fall.)
Ross: Excuse me sir, you've got a little something right here. (He points to the corner of his mouth and they both laugh.)
Ross: Oh, man! I can't believe she's actually leaving. How am I gonna say goodbye to Rachel?
Rachel: Ross, you don't even have oven mitts on!
(They run down the street with Ross and Rachel following right behind them.)
(Marsha extis and Ross waves Carol into the exhibit.)
Ross: (looking at the remote) How did he do this?
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Ross is up in arms about the Rachel/Julie situation.]
[Scene: The Hospital, Joey is sitting in the lobby as Ross enters.]
Ross: Or! Or, we could go to the bank, close our accounts and cut them off at the source.
ROSS: Yeah, definitely, I'm sure you'll feel totally different when it's our baby.
Ross: I talked to Monica, look, I'm the one who made the choice. I'm the one who's making things change, so I should be the one to y'know, step back.
Ross: No, no, with him. (He mimes holding the baby like a football.) I'm on this field, and they, they hike me the baby... and I, I know I've gotta do something 'cause the Tampa Bay defence is comin' right at me.
Joey: (To Ross, on the couch) Now, here's a picture of my mother and father on their wedding day. Now you tell me she's not a knockout.
Ross: The Armadillo was actually not so thrilled about that part! Okay Ben, its time to light the Hanukkah candles! (Santa, Superman, Monica, Ben, and the Holiday Armadillo go over to the menorah to light the candles.)
Ross: (answering the phone) Hello? (Listens) Hey Mon, hows the packing going? (Listens) Ben? Hes fine. Yeah, hes rightOh my God! (He looks over at the fake Ben and notices that the head has fallen off.) Get your head of your shirt there son! (He tries to push the pumpkin through the neck hole.) What? (Listens) Yeah, its a pumpkin. Ill come pack.
Ross: Thanks guys! (They both sit down on either side of him.) I really appreciate this, yknow, but you dont have to rub my butt.
(Ross stares at her. Thinks about it. Puts cards on table, face down.)
[Cut to Central Perk, Ross is taking Ben to visit Rachel whos working there.]
Ross: Hey! Look whos back! Its the birthday girl! Hows the birthday girl feeling?
Ross: Okay! All right! Now, Chandler you-you wanna live with Monica, right?
Ross: Well, I called over there and it turns out Ugly Naked Guy is subletting it himself and he's already had like a hundred applicants.
Ross: Finally, factoring the profusion of new species recently discovered: Gigantosaurus, Argentinasaurus...
Ross: Look, I dont know what youre talking about, I am not a crazy, jealous person.
Ross: No. We should all have dinner. Yes, we'll do it tomorrow night. I'll cook!!
Ross: What... what am I gonna do? My speech is gone, Chandler!
Monica: Okay. Does it have to do with Ross and Rachel?
Ross: At least they knew what yours was. Y'know, yours had a name.
Ross: I can't believe Rachel just moved on and didn't say anything to me
ROSS: Well, I tracked down Marcel and get this, he's healthy, he's happy, and he's right here in New York filming Outbreak II - The Virus Takes Manhattan.
(Knock on door. Ross opens it. Rachel enters.)
Ross: Exactly!! (sits back down at his laptop and starts typing)
Ross: Wow! Umm, okay uh everyone this is Isabella. (Rachel starts crying.) What?
Ross: Yeah, it's really 6:00 tomorrow night our time.
Ross: Here she comes. Dont say a word, okay? Just be cool, dont be y'know you.