words in movies
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica, Rachel, Ross, and Phoebe are there. Phoebe is looking out the window.]
ROSS: So you guys, who else did you tip with cookies?
ROSS: Yeah, but not very well, unless 14-across, 'Gershwin musical' actually is bitemebitemebitemebiteme.
[Ross enters with several bags from shopping.]
ROSS: Hey guys.
[Ross approaches Rachel at counter.]
ROSS: Hey Rach. I, uh, got you a little present. [Rachel is not impressed]. . I'll open it. It's a Slinky! Remember, huh. [sings] Walks down stairs, alone or in pairs, everyone knows it's. . . just a big spring. Alright, you still mad at me becuase of the whole. . .
ROSS: How 'bout from now on we just call it the 'unfortunate incident'? [Rachel walks off] Hey Gunther, you got stairs in your place?
ROSS: Here, go nuts. [gives him the Slinky and goes and sits with others at the couches]
ROSS: Hey guys.
ROSS: Um, just some presents.
ROSS: [childishly] OK. OK, this is a picture frame from Ben to my parents, huh.
ROSS: I got some, uh, hers and hers towels for Susan and Carol. And, uh, I got this blouse for mom.
[Ross holds up the blouse. It is extremely tacky, with sewn-on medals hanging off of it.]
MONICA: Ross, that is gorgeous!
ROSS: Yeah?
ROSS: Uh, Macy's, third floor, home furnishings.
[Monica and Ross enter.]
ROSS: Hey, anyone hear from Phoebe yet?
ROSS: Yeah, what're you guys doin' here, aren't you supposed to be Christmas shopping?
[Ross approaches Rachel, away from everyone else.]
ROSS: Hey, Rach, you know what? I think, I think I know what'll make you feel better. How 'bout you make a list about me. RACHEL: Wha... forget it Ross, no, I am not gonna stand here and make a list of. . . ROSS: C'mon Rachel. RACHEL: OK, you're whiney, you are, you're obsessive, you are insecure, you're, you're gutless, you know, you don't ever, you don't just sort of seize the day, you know. You like me for what, a year, you didn't do anything about it. And, uh, oh, you wear too much of that gel in your hair. ROSS: See there, you uhh, alright, ya, you did what I said. RACHEL: Yeah, and you know what? You're right, I do feel better, thank you Ross. [she walks off and Ross puts his hand to his hair] [Scene: Back at Phoebe's. She is on the phone] PHOEBE: Yeah, um, in Albany, can I have the number of Frank Buffay. . . OK, um, in Ithica. . . alright, um, Saratoga. . . Oneonta. Alright, you know what, you shouldn't call youself information. [hangs up] [Phoebe's grandmother enters] GRANDMOTHER: Hey. PHOEBE: Hello grandma, if that is in fact your real name. GRANDMOTHER: C'mon now Phoe, don't still be mad at me. How's it going? PHOEBE: Well, not so good. Upstate's pretty big, he's pretty small, you do the math. GRANDMOTHER: Well, I think you're better off without him. Oh honey, I know he's your daddy but, but to me he's still the irresponsible creep who knocked up your mom and stole her Gremlin. PHOEBE: No I just, just wanted to know who he was, ya know. GRANDMOTHER: I know. OK, I wasn't completely honest with you when I told you that, uh, I didn't know exactly where he lived. PHOEBE: Whattaya mean? GRANDMOTHER: He lives at 74 Laurel Drive in Middletown. If you hit the Dairy Queen, you've gone too far. You can take my cab. PHOEBE: Wow. Thank you. GRANDMOTHER: Now, remember, nobody else drives that cab. PHOEBE: Uh-huh, got it. Ooh, I'm gonna see my dad. Wish me luck, Grandpa! [blows a kiss to a picture of Einstein]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica is preparing for the party with Ross questioning her.]
ROSS: C'mon, just tell me, please, please.
MONICA: Rach, get the heat. [Rachel holds up her hand with wet fingernail polish] Ross, could you turn the heat down please?
ROSS: Sure. By the way, there's a difference between being obsessive and. . .
MONICA: Ross, the heat!
ROSS: Fine, OK! Heat, heat, heat, and I'm the obsessive one. [goes to the radiator and starts turning the knob] OK, this way is on, so this is. . . [breaks off the knob] off.
ROSS: No, no, I was turnin' the knob and, and. . . here it is.
ROSS: It uhh, it won't go back.
ROSS: Oh, oh that's right, I forgot about your ability to fuse metal.
ROSS: OK, tip the man.
ROSS: Hey, here's a theme: Come on in, live like bacon.
ROSS: [sitting at table talking to a girl] It's hard to tell because I'm sweating, but I use exactly what the gel bottle says, an amount about the size of a pea. How, how can that be too much?
ROSS: Monica, Monica, your guest are turning into jerky, OK.
[Ross is speaking to Monica and Rachel about tipping the super.]
ROSS: Alright, alright, here's the chance. Monica give him cash, Rachel give him your earrings. Something, now, anything. MONICA: No, I will not cave. RACHEL: Yeah, I'm with Mon. ROSS: Alright, alright, you know how you say I never seize the day? Well, alright, even though he's your super, I'm seizing. [approaches Mr. Treeger] Mr. Treeger, here is 50 bucks, merry Christmas. [Gives him the cash.]
ROSS: No no, no, that, that's your Christmas tip, alright. Oh, hey, do you think there's a chance you could fix that radiator now?
MONICA: Ross.
ROSS: Yeah.
MONICA: [to Ross] Looks like he's playin' baseball.
ROSS: You mean hardball?
ROSS: Excuse me, I'm seizing. Mr. Treeger, here's another 50, happy Hanukkah. Will uh, will this help with the knob getting?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Ross, Monica, and Rachel are sitting around after the party. Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe enter.]
ROSS: Hey, Phoebs, how'd it go.
ROSS: Are you OK?
CHANDLER: Hey, guys, it's after midnight, merry Christmas everyone. [Ross and Phoebe hug, Monica and Rachel hug, Chandler is left standing]
JOEY: And for Ross, Mr. Sweet-tooth.
ROSS: You got me a cola drink?
ROSS: Well this, this is too much, I feel like I should get you another sweater.
JOEY: They're ribbed for your pleasure. [Ross and Monica trade their gifts.]
Ross: S-s-smell her hair? What if I did?
Ross: Elizabeth! (He opens one of the bed stands that he has curled himself up into.) Okay. Okay. (She helps him out.) Im gonna go out this window. (Points to the window next to him.) Ill meet you at the front door. Just tell them youre going home, okay?
Ross: I bet if I talk to Carol and Susan I can convince them to move to London with Ben.
Ross: Guess who's here. It's the toughest guy in toy land, Ben. (singing) 'A real American hero. I'm G.I. Joe!' Drop the Barbi, drop the Barbi.
Phoebe: Yeah no, Im telling you Rachel has such a great eye for this stuff. Ross, yknow if you ever decide you need to redecorateAnd I think that you should. You should, you should ask Rachel to help.
Ross: (whines "No.") Thats not true!
Ross: That's funny, because you know, you are a huge crapweasel!
[Sequence 3: Chandler throws a pass to Ross, who catches it. Phoebe starts screaming and runs up to him and tries to tackle him. But all she ends up doing is running around his waist and screaming.]
Ross: Hi Rachel! Here's your sister Amy! She thinks I need pec implants!
Ross: Look, I didn't lose my mind! Okay, Janice and I have a lot in common! We've-we've both been divorced. We-we both have kids.
Ross: What do I know? I just sell Middle Eastern food from a cart!
Ross: I thought I heard voices! Hi Charlie! (Kisses her.) Hi Joey. (Hugs him.) And.. Oh! You're gonna have to introduce me to your new girlfriend. (Laughs.) I'm just kidding, I know Rachel, I know. (He squeezes her hand.) Come, please come in. Come in.
Ross: Eh, cause I knew that if I told you, youd make me go, and I knew you needed someone to be with you tonight. Come on. Come on.
Ross: Yeah! Yeah, Emily always wanted to get married in this beautiful place that her parents got married, but its going to be torn down, so I mean, I-I know its crazy, but everything up til now has been so crazy, and I dont know, this just feels right. Yknow?
ROSS: Neil Sedaka wears them.
Ross: Oh my God! Thank you! Thank you so much! (He grabs the ring, kisses it, and then does a double-take realising where its been.)
(He goes to kiss her but she moves. Monica screams. Ross shouts and stares in disbelief. Monica runs out of the room.)
Rachel: Paul. Umm, I just wanted you to know that Ross really is a great guy.
Mark: Ahh! Fair, schmair! Y'know? Look, if you want to get back at Ross, I am here for you. Really? No-no, I say-I say, I say we get back at him right on this couch. Right here!
PHOEBE: Ok, Ross, could you just open your mind like this much, ok? Wasn't there a time when the brightest minds in the world believed that the world was flat? And, up until like what, 50 years ago, you all thought the atom was the smallest thing, until you split it open, and this like, whole mess of crap came out. Now, are you telling me that you are so unbelievably arrogant that you can't admit that there's a teeny tiny possibility that you could be wrong about this?
Ross: Well now lets-lets look at this objectively, I think I should date her
Ross: (points) Peach pit. That night we, uh- we had-
Ross: Just stuff. Y'know kinda what Emily wants.
Ross: How would he like to come with me to the Museum of Natural History after everyone else has left, just the two of us, and he can touch anything he wants. (Mr. Zellner looks shocked). I just heard it as you must have heard it and that’s not good. Let me start again. I’m a paleontologist, you’ll be there with us and the touching refers only to bones… fossils!
Ross: (shocked and confused by the question) What? I... I... (Benjamin looks at him as if to say "What's wrong? Answer the question")
Charlie: Oh, Ross, you gave a B to a Pottery Barn catalogue.
[Scene: Phoebe is in central-perk with Joey telling him what Ross said t her at the beginning.]
Ross: (picking up a book) Hey, hey, Yertle the Turtle. A classic.
Ross: Yknow, maybe she is too young for me. Yknow, when I was over there and she was running around with her friends, I felt like I was a baby-sitter. I finally started to see what you guys were talking about. I dont know what to do.
Ross: Im sorry, I dont believe contestants are allowed to talk to each other.
Ross: I'm still hungry!
Rachel: Look, I know you guys heard about the whole thing with me and Ross but y'know, I've been obsessing about it all day and I'd just love not to talk about it. All right?
Ross: Well, not right now. Okay look, Monica came here for some memories and damnit, were gonna give her some! Okay, grab grab some empty boxes. Okay? Well-well take stuff from mine and whatever we can pass off as hers well-well put em in their.
Ross: Oh, ye-ah!
Phoebe: Ross, how about you. What would you give up, sex or food?
Ross: Hey, what are you talking about? I'm fine!
Ross: (Very politely) Mrs. Bing.
[Scene: Ross and Emilys planned wedding place, Monica is dragging Emily in.]
Joey: That's some gentle comedy, dude. (he and Ross leave)
Ross: (standing at the edge of the roof) Yeah, I guess we dont have a choice. (Screaming to the street) Help us! Please help us! Were stuck up on the roof and we cant get down!!!
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is giving Rachel, Chandler, Phoebe, and Ross their bills.]
Ross: Sure, I mean, do I wish me and Rachel living together would have worked out? Of course. You know, I'm disappointed, but it's not like it's a divorce.
Ross: Okay. (Swallows hard.) Hop on Gert. (She does and Ross winces in pain.)
Ross: Thats true, thanks dad. (To All) People should be dancing! Huh? Hey, this is a party! Come on! Joey, dance!! (He starts to dance but stops when no one else joins him.)
Ross: Huh. Thats a really pretty name for-for an industrial solvent.
Rachel: I know, I get it, but Mona, what relationship is not complicated? I mean we all have our baggage! You must too! Why else would you still be single? (Mona looks at her.) I am so gonna leave right now. (Ross opens the door for her and she leaves.)
Ross: Thats right! Made expressly for Val Kilmer and worn by him in the hit film that Batman film he was in.
[Scene: A restaurant. Ross and Charlie are waiting for her ex-boyfriend, Benjamin Hobart]
Ross: Okay, come on! (blows on the dice) Daddy needs a new pair of electromagnetic microscopes for the Prehistoric Forensics Department! (They all look at him, and he shuts up and rolls the dice.) (he moves his piece) Okay. (reading a card) Take Pinky Tuscadero up to Inspiration Point, collect three cool points!! Yeah! Which gives me five, and lets see who is gonna lose their clothes. Ummmm, I think I pick our strip poker sponsor Mr. Joey Tribianni.
Ross: I'm serious. I just don't trust that guy, okay?
[Scene: Central Perk. Ross is playing some shoot'em up game on his laptop]
Joey: No, no, no. You actually did that when you were dancing to the Chicago-soundtrack. Look, Ross, about, about Rachel and I. Listen, you don't have to worry about that, okay? Because nothing is gonna happen.
Ross: (leaning into the recorder as well) Who just lost the respect of her unborn child.
Ross: (blows it) Sorry. Cause umm, I think this will make you a little more sophisticated.
Ross: (playing the drunk uncle) When Monica was a little girl, I remember that(Phoebe screams and tackles him)Ooh!! Ow! Very good!
[Scene: Gary's cop car, Ross is in the front seat with Gary of course. Chandler is in the back seat.]
Ross: No!! Y'know-y'know dont do me any favours. In fact, where, wheres the rest of my stuff?! Huh? Like-like my umm, (picks up a book) Hey, this book is mine!! And-and-and, and that T-shirt you sleep in? Id like that back too. Yes, I do.
Monica: I just ran into Dave and he told me that you blew him off! I mean, you listen to me! Now, I'm calling the shots! I say you leave Ross alone and go get Dave! What the hell were you trying to do?
Joey: Hey, Ross, Bodington's!
Ross: And so what if I like to go home, throw on some Kenny G, and take a bath!
Ross: (exhales) I got it. (He lifts the box and grunts under the strain.) (Calmly) So hi, Im uh, Im Ross and this is my friend Chandler. (He shyly waves.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Monica, Ross, and Chandler are watching Phoebe polish the daisies on her bike outside.]
Ross: Fine. I just need to know that youre not gonna tell your sister.
Ross: And in my defense, the cleaning lady came on to me!
Ross: Honey, just relax, it's gonna be fine. Hey, umm,. why don't I come down there and I'll take you out to lunch?
ROSS: Julie, can you hold this for a second, thanks. [hands her a bowl and kisses her]
Ross: You ducked!!
ROSS: I, I don't know, it's got all this stuff about wind and trees and there's some kind of sacred pool in it. I mean, I don't really get it but she's, she's pretty upset about it.
[Scene: Phoebe's cab. Phoebe is driving very fast, and a terrified Ross has closed his eyes.]
Ross: Okey-dokey!
Ross: Okay, Ill see you soon buddy. (He hugs and kisses him.) Be back in an hour.
JOEY: One of the virus victims called in sick, so Cathy recommended me and boom, I'm dying on the gurney. Oh Ross, Marcel just finished his last scene if you want to go down there and say goodbye.
Ross: No they dont!!! (He runs to the bedroom to check and returns with his box of condoms.) Well they should put it in huge black letters!!!!
[Scene: The Hall, Ross and Susan are arguing.]
Ross: I dunno, it's weird. I mean, I know she's gone, but I just don't feel, uh...
Ross: Okay, we could still make dinner if we skipped the appetisers and asked for our check right away.
Ross: I'm really gonna miss this apartment. Y'know, Ben-Ben took his first steps right over there. (Points.)
Ross: Then how did you get caught in the barbed wire?
Ross: I guess when you don't have so many distractions, it's easier for you to focus. Huh?
Ross: Oh much, much worse. I did my impression of Joan Rivers as one of the earliest amphibians... (gestures with his hands and says in an impression voice?) "Can we walk"? (Phoebe starts laughing) Oh, you... you like that?
Ross: Oh-oh, Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger.
(Monica is taking a drink as Ross says that, laughs, and snorts her drink.)
ROSS: Oh c'mon. Maybe you're just, uhhh... paying your dues.
Monica: Ross, we're kind of in the middle of diner here.
(Ross starts to play. He plays a key that has a back beat sound attached to it. Over the background music he plays the sound of a barking dog, a mooing cow, a laser beam, someone coughing, a jackhammer, a doorbell, a police siren, a ray gun, breaking dishes, and for a closer he plays the sound of a loud crash. Basically, the music sucks.)
[They go into the apartment. Inside the apartment it looks like a sewage dump exploded and landed in her living room. There are clothes and food and junk covering every square inch of space. I mean pigs have nicer pens. Ross is completely shocked.]
Joey: Ah, can I just say I know we're doing this for Ross, and that's cool, but if it was up to me, this is not what we'd be doing on our first date.
Ross: Oh really, really great! Yeah! A-actually shes right down the street, umm, do-do you know what? You should stop bye and say hi.
Rachel: Okay, but Ross just listen to me
Rachel: (simultaneously as Ross) No, I dont think well be doing that.
Monica: (on phone) I can't wait to be with you! I'll sneak over as soon as Ross picks up Ben. I'll just tell Rachel I'm gonna be doing laundry for a couple of hours.
[Scene: Cousin Frannies Wedding Reception, Ross and Monica are at the door and about to leave.]
Rachel: Oh Ross, you're so great. [she playfully rubs his head and gets up]
Rachel: (Tearfully) Ross, I'm doing everything that I can, I've got everybody looking for him, and I- (Door buzzer goes and she runs to get it) Oh! Who is it?
Ross: What's with her?
Ross: Oh, I uh, just came by to pick up my skull. Well, not mine, but...Susan: Come in.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the next morning, Phoebe, Chandler, Ross, and Monica are eating breakfast.]
Ross: I can't believe I'm about to meet Benjamin Hobart. I've always thought of him as one of the people I'd invite to my fantasy dinner party. Do you think there's any chance he'll bring Christie Brinkley or C3PO?
Ross: No, you know, it's uhm... nothing you did, it's... it's uhm... my issue.
Monica: A-ha!!! (they all start laughing, as Ross hides in the bathroom)