words in movies
[Scene: A Theatre, Chandler and Ross are there to watch the premiere of Kathys play.]
(Onstage theres a knock on the door and Kathy opens it. We dont see whats going on, only hear it.)
Kathy's Co-Star: Oh, yeah! Ooh, thats nice. (They start making out harder.)
(Kathys co-star rips her blouse off and buttons go flying into the audience, and one hits Ross. Chandlers mouth is on the floor.)
Ross: Heres your girlfriends button. (Holding the button.)
Phoebe: Well, its just that maternity clothes are so expensive.
Rachel: Bloomingdales eliminated my department. (Phoebe gasps)
Joey: (Holding a turkey leg) Theres gravy?
Monica: If you have the big apartment you have to deal with people coming over all the time. That fridge has got to be stocked, okay, thats your department now. (She takes back the turkey leg)
Phoebe: Ooh! How was Kathys play?
Chandler: Yeah, its like someone literally wrote down my worst nightmare and then charged me $32 to see it!
Phoebe: Thats a good idea for a business!
Chandler: Im totally screwed. Okay, they are gonna be hot and heavy on stage every night, and then theyre gonna go to their cast parties and hes gonna try to undermine me. Y'know itll be like, "So wheres your boyfriend, whats-his-name, Chester?" And shell go, "No-no-no, its Chandler." And hell go, "Whatever. Ha-ha-ha-ha!"
Joey: Chandler, look theyre actors. Theyre there to do a job, just cause they work together, doesnt mean theyre gonna get together. I mean just cause it happened with Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins, it doesnt mean its gonna happen with them.
Joey: Well okay, so then youre fine. The rule is when two actors are actually doing it off-stage all the sexual tension between them is gone. Okay? So as long as its hot onstage you got nothing to worry about. Its when the heat goes away, thats when youre in trouble.
Joey: Oh yeah, whos playing?
Monica: (laughs) Please, its a relief is what it is, is what it is.
[Scene: Bloomingdales, Rachels new job.]
Rachel: (on the phone) Monica, Im quitting! I just helped an 81 year old woman put on a thong and she didnt even buy it! (Pause) Im telling you Im quitting! Thats it! Im talking to my boss right now! (Pause) Yes I am! (Pause) Yes I am! Yes I am! Yes I am! Yes I am! Yes I am! Okay bye, call me when you get this message. (Hangs up as her boss, Mr. Waltham, walks in.) Oh! Mr. Waltham, I ah really need to talk to you.
(Its a really good-looking man, Joshua, that Rachel has an instant crush on. Well actually its Tate Donovan, so its not like shes really testing her acting skills.)
Rachel: Well, at least thats a great suit.
Rachel: Oh-oh, sorry, its this way, its this way. (Motions to the correct way.)
Joshua: Its this way? Sorry. (He walks past her and she again admires his butt.)
[Scene: Kathys play, Ross and Chandler are waiting for her in the lobby after the play.]
Chandler: Im right! Right? There was like no chemistry between them. Before they had heat, and now theres no heat! Now you know what this means, Joey told us what this means!
Ross: All right, lets not jump to any conclusions. All right? There was some sexual chemistry between them.
Kathy: Its a good play, isnt it?
Monica: Yeah, its just something I picked up.
Rachel: Its Joshua.
Rachel: Yeah, thats true.
Monica: All right then, when Im done with this place, its gonna be ten times better than that place!
Chandler: Steps! (He opens the door to his apartment to Ross and Joey looking at the new Playboy) Slut! (Ross and Joey quickly hide the Playboy behind their backs. Chandler wonders into the girls apartment.) You will all be very happy to hear that Kathy is sleeping with that guy!
Chandler: Well, I may be drunk, but I know what she said! Then I went over to Beefsteak Julies
Rachel: Beefsteak Charlies?
Rachel: Whoops. (Starts to go into Chandler and Joeys.) Oh, hey, do you need help with that?
Rachel: Ooh, I just feel bad, I never vacuum. (She goes into Chandler and Joeys.)
Rachel: So I was with Joshua for an hour today, and he has not asked me out. Its just so frustrating!
Joey: Oh, yeah, totally! Thats such a turn-on!
Joey: Oh-ooh, thats the turn-on.
Phoebe: So hes probably really nervous around women, y'know? Maybe, you just have to make the first move.
Rachel: You know what, Im gonna do that, Im gonna call him up, and Im gonna ask him out. I can do that. Ask him out. (Practising) How you doin? (Calls him) Hi! Joshua? Its Rachel Green from Bloomingdales. (Listens) Yeah, umm, I was wondering if you umm, if you umm, left your wallet at the store today? Well, we found a wallet, and we(Listens) the license? Well, that is a good idea! Uh, well, lets see here this says this license belongs to a uh, uh, belongs to a mister uh, Pheebs, and umm, yeah, so sorry to bother you at home. Ill see you tomorrow. Bye. (Hangs up) (to Phoebe) Youve done that a thousand times?
(We hear a noise coming from Monica and Rachels apartment.)
Ross: Hes right, what she did was unforgivable.
Ross: Thats all youre basing this on?
Chandler: Thats not backing me up! Look, you said with the off-stage and the heat, and the onstage and the oy heat.
Joey: Whoa-whoa, that-that was just a theory! Theres a lot of theories that didnt pan out. The lone gunman. Communism. Geometry.
[Scene: Bloomingdales, Rachels new job, she is waiting for Joshua and practising how to ask him out.]
Joshua: Ah, thats okay, thanks.
(Mr. Waltham admires Joshuas butt as he leaves.)
[Scene: Kathys apartment, Chandler is knocking on the door.]
Chandler: Yeah, I know, I-I wish I had too, but yknow I-I think this is a good thing. Y'know? Cause weve had our first fight, and now we can move on. Yknow, I know for me(Notices a pair of mens pants on the chair.) Nicks pants?
Rachel: He didnt turn me down! Hes at the game isnt he? I got the date, Im just not on it!
Monica: (entering) Okay, its ready. Come on.
Joey: Whats ready?
[Scene: Bloomingdales, Rachel is sitting at her desk as Mr. Waltham comes in.]
Monica: You dont? (Laughs) Well, thats the difference between a professional and a layman.
Woman: Im very interested to find out whos been doing her taxes these last four years.
Rachel: Oh-oh-oh, he’s a transponce—transpondster!
Chandler: Well thats a full cup! (Pays him again.)
Phoebe: Oh, Jack Bing. I love that. Ooh, it sounds like a '40s newspaper guy, you know? "Jack Bing, Morning Gazette. I'm gonna blow this story wide open!"
Rachel: Yeah, well Bettys kinda sad. Which is why I believe I can lure her away with these chocolates. (Holding up the box of chocolates.) Now, while I distract her, you get in the office.
Monica: Are you kidding?! I get a Porsche and the barca loungers gone?! This is the best day ever! (Runs out.)
Chandler: Shes just doing her job!
Rachel: And thats Phoebe (points), and thats Joey.
Joey: No, its not. I mean you-you made me your best man and I totally let you down!
Ross: Okay, okay, I was typing names into the library computer earlier, yknow-yknow for fun, and I typed mine in and guess what came up? My doctoral dissertation! Its here! Yeah, its right-its right down here! In the biggest library in the university! (They start heading that way, towards a secluded section behind the racks.)
Chandler: Nah, Monicas watching some cooking show. Come on, I dont want to miss when they were skinny.
Phoebe: No. No, I wont. But I should tell you this, this exact same thing happened to my roommate Denise. She moved in with a guy who was secretly married to her and he said he didnt love her, but he really did, and it just blew up! And thats how she ended up living with me! (Ross looks at her.) (Pause) Okay, thats a lie.
[Scene: Central Perk, all except Phoebe are there, Ross is telling the gang, minus Rachel whos still being retrained, about the different cookie options.]
Richard: Yeah, well, sure I touch them, but I spent years learning not to squish them. (Monica grabs his hand in the tomatoes.) Thats my hand.
Chandler: Oh God, it freaked me out. Okay, I know it shouldnt have, but it did. I mean I like her, I dont want to stop seeing her, but every so often its like Hey, y'know what, wheres your leg? I mean Im the smallest person in the world arent I? Im the smallest person in the world.
Phoebe: Yeah! Sure! Ooh, I left my purse up at Monicas. Ill be right back. (She goes to get it.)
Mona: Yeah, you still have feelings for me. And-and to be honest, I-I still have feelings for you. And I wish that we can work it out Ross, but we cant. Its too complicated with you and Rachel and the baby, I-I just It just wasnt meant to be.
Phoebe: Shes made it pretty clear, it is not going to happen.
Joey: So uh, you and Mona, been a while now. Hows it going?
Monica: So wait, Rosss stuff is fine, but I have no memories because you wanted to keep the bottom two inches of your car away from water!!!
Joey: Wait! Wait! Maybe shes a hooker and a stripper, but she got confused about what shes supposed to do.
Chandler: Lets just say if I cant find the right CD case I just put it in the nearest one.
Phoebe: No, I made myself take an oath. Yeah, no fooling around with clients and umm, always be prepared. Yeah, that ones actually from the Boy Scouts, but it just makes good sense.
Phoebe: No Chandler, they can swallow one of those little parts! And also, look at his smooth area, thats just gonna mess them up.
[Scene: The beach house, Chandler is simulating hes coming to pick up Monica for a date. Chandler knocks on the door, and Monica answers it.]
[Scene: Rosss Apartment, Ross and Monica are there.]
Rachel: Ross IWe tried all the spicy food. Its not working.
Bob: Its Bob actually. Hey, you work up here, can you tell me where this Chandler Bings office is?
The Director: Oh thats great! Okay, well Ive heard everything I need to hear. I just need to uh, Leslie
Ursula: Yeah! Yeah, its gonna be a small ceremony. Just family. (Phoebe looks at her.) His.
Monica: Yknow dad, Chandler is one of Rosss very best friends!
[Scene: Joey and wait just Joeys. Joey is sitting at the counter eating a pizza.]
Ross: Oh myCome here! Come here! (He hugs her.) Its okay. Everythings gonna be okay.
Phoebe: Youre Elizabeths father, huh? I can see now where she gets her rugged handsomeness.
Ross: Now, hold on! Hold on! (Stops him) Look, look, your daughter and I are supposed to leave tonight for our honeymoon, now-now you-you tell her that Im gonna be at that airport and I hope that shell be there too! Oh yeah, I said Rachels name, but it didnt mean anything, Okay? Shes-shes just a friend and thats all! (Rachel sits down, depressed.) Thats all! Now just tell Emily that I love her and that I cant imagine spending my life with anyone else. Please, promise me that youll tell her that.
Charity guy: Wow! Are you here to make another donation the same day? I don’t think that that’s ever happened before.
Ross: Its like that everywhere, Joey! Okay, Mon, back me up here. Where you work the uh, waiters eat with the waiters, right? And the chefs eat with the other chefs, right?
Monica: No that was Jarred! Wow! I havent thought about him in a long time (Stares off into the distance lost in thought.) (Pause) Anyway, umm Wills, Wills here on business and he didnt have a place to go so I invited him here.
(Oh, I should point out that the live studio audience at this point goes absolutely wild. And I had absolutely no idea that this Will character was that popular! Maybe they should make him the seventh friend. Which would work out just fine since hes already married to one of them. Will is played by some guy named Brad Pitt, I guess hes some sort of actor.)
Rachel: Oh, umm, I was just yknow working out and umm Oh, thats it.
Phoebe: Well hey, its just a backup.
Minister: May I have the rings? (He is given the rings) Emily, place this ring on Rosss finger as a symbol of your bond everlasting. (She jams the ring onto his finger) Ross, place this ring in Emilys hand as a symbol of the love that encircles you forever.
[Scene: Chandlers Office, his boss Doug is entering, Monica is there as well.]
Gunther: Yeah, thats what I drive. I make four bucks an hour, I saved up for 350 years!
Mr. Geller: Well, shell understand right? Its not like I did it on purpose.
Rachel: I love how he cares so much about stuff. If I squint I can pretend hes Alan Alda.
Emily: (checks the clock) Ohh, its time to go.
Rachel: Well, yknow its just been so long since Ive been to Chuckie Cheese.
Phoebe: Thats sweat. You throw up all morning, youll have that glow too.
Joey: Oh, thats, uh, thats Phoebes friends dog. I dont know what his real name is, but I call him Mozzarella.
Ross: I promise you she’s safe! No watch how much she loves this.
Chandler: Its not just their marriage! I mean, look at yours. Look at everybodys! The only person that can make marriage work is Paul Newman! And Ive met me; I am not Paul Newman. I dont race cars! I dont make popcorn! None of my proceeds go to charity.
Phoebe: Oh thats right. Youre still set on that?
Ross: Thats right Lydia, Elizabeth here is a student and uh, were dating. And you may frown upon that, but were not gonna hide it anymore.
Joey: Yknow what I think? I think somebodys got a little crush on Casey. How bout I fix you two up? What do you think?
Chandler: Its Phoebe! Hi!
Joanna: Oh, and hes got such a good heart! Doesnt he have a good heart?
Ross: Yeah, but Im your brother. Were family. Thats the most important thing in the world.
Phoebe: Oh thats good, I guess shell have a choice between my guy and your weirdo.
Monica: Ross, thats my jacket.
Ross: Susan is Carols, Carols, Carols, friend...
Chandler: A hot girls at stake and all of the sudden hes Rain Man.
Joey: All right, car magazines, cereal boxes, but its like enough!
(They start to fight with Ross pulling on Chandlers ears and Chandler hitting Ross over the head with his carrot.)
Joey: I know, but I dont think thats what she wants.
[Scene: Rachels Bedroom, Ross is finishing up her make-up.]
Ross: Hi. Sorry Im late. Wheres, wheres Carol?
Joey: (reading) Three down, Days Of Our Lives star blank Tribbiani. Thats me!! Im blank!!
Phoebe: Well, its just yknow that something like this would never to like The Hulk, yknow
Ross: Whos this little guy? (Gasps when he sees Aaron.)
[Scene: Casting Director #1s office, Joey is on his first audition. His partner is an 8-year-old boy.]
Jamie: Hi, its us.
Joey: To her parents I think and she said you shouldnt call her. But if I were you I would.
Joey: Hey well, you cant teach someone to be good with women. Yknow, thats why I never had any luck with Chandler.
Joey: Oh! Hey right! Not a problem. (He starts taking off his clothes.) I totally understand. You need to yknow make sure I dont have any horrible scars or tattoos. Dont you worry; I have nothing to hide. (He drops his pants and stands back up and looks down.) So there you go, thats me. (We cut to a camera angle looking at the casting director and movie director through Joeys legs.) One hundred percent natural! (Suddenly, theres a thud as something falls off.) (Everyone is shocked.) I tell ya, that has never happened before.
Joey: I want this part so much! Yknow? If I dont get this part Im never gonna eat Macaroni and Cheese again!No, I didnt say that! Thats a lie.
Ross: No real-, honey, really its fine, just g-go with Susan. Really, I, no, I think girls night out is a great idea. Okay, okay, bye
Monica: Well, well Ross didnt care enough to be here, so I think hes out. You snooze you lose.
[Scene: Rachels office, Rachel is coming in for the day.]
Fran: Whats she doing here?
Monica: (steps up and points at her) All right! You and me! Lets go! Right now!
Chandler: Yknow what the worse part was? I got to see what my life would be like without you. It was like Its a Wonderful Life with lap dances. Please promise that you will never leave me, that we will grow old together, and be with each other for the rest of our lives.
Ross: Well we-we dont know for sure. But in my head it-it sounded something like this. (He makes a high pitched noise and Alan doesnt know what to make of it.) Of course, this is just conjecture. Okay, thats uh, thats all for today. (Everyone starts to get up.) Uh Mr. Morse, can I see you for a moment?
Joey: I mean seriously, shes like the perfect woman. I mean I know she turned me down, but if she hadnt and wanted to be with me, I would take her in my arms and (Realizes everyone is staring.) I havent bummed you guys out like this in a while have I?
Phoebe: She is lying! And I bet I can prove it. Excuse me. (She grabs Ursulas purse and starts going through it and finds some papers.) Okay. Okay. YeahNot a prayer chain, but what looks like a detailed drawing of a bank floor plan. (Holds up her nametag.) Okay, heres the nametag from the restaurant where she works as a waitress! Not a teacher, a waitress. All right, heres her driver license, this oughta be good, she always lies about this. How old did she say she was?
Rachel: Oh. Thats so Monica can keep track. That way if one on them is missing, she can be like, Wheres number 27?!
Doug: Well, I got tanked myself last night. Pretty dicey drive home, Tapanzi Bridge never looked smaller. (laughs) Thats okay, youre still my number one guy! (slaps him on the butt) Bing!
Dr. Long: Rachel youre gonna have to push even harder, nothings happening!
(Ross steps onto the bottom rung of the ladder and then steps on Joeys chest.)
Chandler: Its me. Im the other guy.
Phoebe and Rachel: Allisons birthday party.
Chandler: Oh yeah, that sounds great. (starts to leave) Oh, and listen, its, its gonna be....
Joey: But the auditions in a couple hours and I dont even understand the game.
Chandler: Well, we used theres up last night making scary faces.
Phoebe: Shes just so cute! I just wanna bite her ear off and use it and a sucking candy.
Rachel: Oh Joey! Joey! No, its not you! You didnt get anybody pregnant!
Ross: Thats true, thanks dad. (To All) People should be dancing! Huh? Hey, this is a party! Come on! Joey, dance!! (He starts to dance but stops when no one else joins him.)
[Cut to Monica and Chandler's, Phoebe is speaking Italian to Joeys grandmother. Im spelling phonetically.]
Guy: Hi! Its Tom, Im here to pick up the phone.