words in movies
Rachel: I love how he cares so much about stuff. If I squint I can pretend hes Alan Alda.
Phoebe: Whos singing?
(A commercial for the Mattress King, Janices ex-husband, comes on TV.)
Phoebe: Ewww! Oh! Its the Mattress King!
Janice: Oh, I cannot believe hes using our divorce to sell mattresses.
Rachel: Are ah, having dinner with my Dad tomorrow night, I hope thats okay.
Ross: Oh shoot, tomorrows not so good, Im supposed to um, fall off the Empire State building and land on a bicycle with no seat. Sorry.
Chandler: See, thats why I could never be an actor. Because I cant say gig.
Monica: Whats the part?
Joey: Well, its not a part, no. Im teaching acting for soap operas down at the Learning Extension.
Ross: Come on! Thats great.
Joey: Yeah, yeah. Its like my chance to give something back to the acting community.
Phoebe: Ugh! I dont know Monica. It feels funny just being here. I mean if you buy a bed from Janices ex-husband, thats like betraying Chandler.
Phoebe: Eh, Monica it, it feels so weird, y'know, Chandlers your friend... (hops onto the bed) Oh! Oh my God! Aw, all right take this bed, you can make other friends.
[Scene: Classroom. Joey is writing his name on the board, but turns around before hes done which causes him to write his name with a downward curve, and he then underlines it, and draws the line right through his name.]
Joey: Yeah, its this great part, this boxer named Nick. And Im so, so right for it, y'know, hes just like me. Except hes a boxer, and has an evil twin.
Phoebe: Oh, do I have a middle name. All right Monica Velula Geller. Its that bedroom there. (points to Monicas room)
Phoebe: Oh, hey, hey Nick the boxer lets see what you got. All right ya, put em up. Come on. (they start shadow boxing)
(Phoebe throws another jab, and lands it on Joeys nose, causing it to bleed.)
Phoebe: Oh, its the compulsively neat one by the window, okay.
Dr. Green: So! (they both try to sit next to Rachel but Dr. Green is successful.) (to Ross) Hows the library?
Dr. Green: You know whats really good here, the lobster. What do you say shall I just order three.
Ross: Its not a library...
Dr. Green: (interrupting him) I know!! Its a museum! What, youre the only one around here who can make a joke! At least mine was funny. Ah, waiter, we will have two lobsters and a menu. (nods at Ross, and mouths I dont know to the waiter.)
Ross: So, Dr. Green, hows the old boat.
Rachel: Aw honey stop! Its not that bad.
Rachel: Yeah. Thats Daddy.
Ross: Thats Daddy?! But doesnt it bother you? Youre a waitress.
Rachel: So. Ross, Ive bugged him about this a million times, hes not gonna change.
Ross: The carbon, its messy, I mean it gets on your fingers and causes, the, the ah, night blindness.
Ross: Oh, yeah, that would be me, um, I have, I have a problem I-I tip way too much, way, way, too much, its a sickness really.
Joey: Okay, some tricks of the trade. Now, Ive never been able to cry as an actor, so if Im in a scene where I have to cry, I cut a hole in my pocket, take a pair of tweezers, and just start pulling. Or ah, or, lets say I wanna convey that Ive just done something evil. That would be the basic I have a fishhook in my eyebrow and I like it (Does it by raising one eyebrow, and showing off the pretend fishhook.) Okay, lets say Ive just gotten bad news, well all I do there is try and divide 232 by 13. (looks all confused) And thats how its done. Great soap opera acting tonight everybody, class dismissed.
Joey: You bet! Whats the part?
Student: Oh its great, its a role on All My Children, Nick the boxer.
Ross: Four percent. Okay. I tip more than that when theres a bug in my food.
(they go into Monica and Rachels, and see Phoebe hopping around.)
Phoebe: I am soo dead. (goes to Monicas room)
Rachel: All right, look, heres the bottom line Ross, this is fixable, if we act fast, okay. So, Ill invite him to brunch tomorrow and you can make nice.
Rachel: Okay, look, Ross, I realise that my Father is difficult, but thats why you have got to be the bigger man here.
[Scene: Monicas bedroom, Phoebe is trying to hide the bed from Monica.]
Monica: (sees the bed) Whats this?
Phoebe: When I was you! Y'know what, its all Joeys fault, cause he left his nose open!
Phoebe: Its Monicas bed. What?
Chandler: Okay. (to Monica) Its a racecar.
Phoebe: So. This has always been Monicas bed, what youre just noticing now, how self-involved are you?
Student: Look, I just saw my best friends brains smeared across the canvas, thats not gonna be me, not me.
Monica: Joey, youre this guys teacher. I mean how could you do this?
Joey: Because, Monica, the guys so good, and I really, really want this part.
Phoebe: Well, if you really, really want it, then its okay.
Ross: (to Rachel) Okay, thats it, I cant take it anymore.
Rachel: What? What? Hes interested in you. He-he likes your hair, he just wants to know how you got here.
Ross: Oh, please. Sweetie its hopeless, okay, Im just gonna go. (starts to leave rubbing his neck)
Ross: Look, look Im sorry. Its just that....
Dr. Green: Ross? Whats with the neck?
Rachel: Hes got this thing. And I keep telling him to go to my chiropractor...
Ross: Thank you! Thats what I keep saying.
Rachel: Well thats his last name.
Dr. Green: Hes Bobby Bobby?
Rachel: Its Robert Bobby.
Rachel: What? Its true, my right leg is two inches shorter.
Ross: What can I do, she doesnt listen to me about renters insurance either.
Dr. Green: Wait a minute, you dont have renters insurance?!
Joey: (sadly) There will come a time in each of your careers when youll have a chance to screw over another soap opera actor. I had such an opportunity in the recent, present. And Im ashamed to say that I took it, I advised a fellow actor to play a role, homosexually. Yeah, we both auditioned for the part, and uh, as it turned out, they ah, they liked the stupid gay thing and cast him. And now, hes got a two year contract opposite Susan Luchhi, the first lady of daytime television, and me, me Im stuck here teaching a bunch of people, most of whom are too ugly to even be on TV. Im sorry, Im sorry, Im sorry. (he gets a huge round of applause from his students.) Thank you.
Jester: Look, its like I told you, theres nothing I can do. You signed for it, Monica Velula Geller.
[Scene: Monicas bedroom, Chandler is playing with the bed.]
Chandler: Varrrrrroom! Hey! Watch it lady! Varrrrrrrrrrom! (makes a screeching sound as he pretends to stomp on the brakes.) Hey-hey good lookin! (honks the beds little horn on the steering wheel.) Varrrrrrrrroom. (notices Rachel and stops) All right, Ill leave. My beds so boring.
Rachel: Mrs. Kay! Oh yeah, she was sweet. She taught me Spanish. I actually think I remember some of it, tu madre es loca. (I think thats your mothers crazy.)
Rachel: I dont care about the little dude! I cant! I cannot listen to anymore of this! Yknow, the only person who would want to listen to this is a mental health professional! And then its only because they get paid $100 an hour! Do you know how much money I couldve made listening to you? $2,000! And do you know when I figured that out? While you were talking!
Rachel: Thats your, thats your dads bedroom. (Yelling) Thats your dads bedroom!
[Scene: The beach house, its the same scene from the end of last year, with Ross in front of the two doors of Rachels and Bonnies rooms, trying to decide which door to choose. He finally chooses the one his right and goes in.]
(She turns and looks in the mirror, and its way, way over done. She looks like she has two black eyes.)
Monica: Chandler, relax its not a contest. (To Rachel) Certainly not a close one.
(Ross continues south and his now wrapped around Joeys legs.)
Monica's Boyfriend: Yeah. Yknow, the hazelnut actually not a nut, its a seed.
Joey: Of course hes gonna have his Uncle Joey!
Chandler: Oh thats all right, I have it memorized. Its 1A.
Ross: Oh thats right. Well uh, would you be interested in seeing a Ukrainian film?
Ross: Well, yeah, of-of course Im okay! What? Im just being supportive. Supportive of you and this whole trip, and-and (notices something) what-what is uh, whats this? (He holds up a rather skimpy bathing suit.)
Rachel: And hey! Just so you know, its not that common! It doesnt happen to every guy! And it is a big deal!!
Monica: (Picking up a card from Chandlers wallet.) My God! Is this a gym card?
[Cut too later, the moving process is progressing steadily. Monica is trying to lift a heavy box, as Rachel comes in from Chandlers bedroom.]
Joey: Thursdays clearly not good for ya, pick a day!
Tim: Oh, Im so glad you called. I feel like its always me calling you. So, whats up? Is everything okay with Phoebe?
Ross: I...reorganized the fridge. See, bottom shelf: meats and dairy. (Theres nothing on the shelf.) Middle shelf: fruits and vegetables. (Theres one lone tomato.) And top shelf: expired products. (The shelf is jammed packed.)
Chandler: See thats where I think that youre wrong. Weve been playing these babies man for man; we should really be playing a zone defense.
Chandler: No-no-no-no-no-no-no!! I cant get myself right out of them! You must have me confused with the Amazing Chandler!! Come on, you have to unlock me, she could be gone for hours, and Im cold, and (Stops and looks up the skirt on a statue behind Joannas desk.)
Phoebe: Ooh-Ooh! I did it! I did it! I figured out a way to make money! Im gonna open up my own massage place and Franks gonna help me! And! We can work it around his schedule so he doesnt have to quit school!
[Scene: Joeys Bedroom, Joey is having a dream about Rachel giving birth with him as the father.]
Phoebe: Are you sure? Ill bet theres another flight to Minsk in like
Ross: Sure! Oh, and Joeys got the mashed potatoes if you want to exchange them.
Monica: Okay listen, yknow when you move in Rachels room is gonna be empty, you wanna talk about what we want to do with it?
Rachel: Pheebs, this whole apartment thing is just a nightmare! Every place I can afford comes with a roommate who is a freak. I mean, look at this; (Points to one and starts to read it.) "Wanted. Female roommate, non-smoker, non-ugly." Its just, there is nothing! The citys full!
Ross: So lets decide on the spending limit
Chandler: Ahh, I think it just moved. Its really poking me.
Dr. Long: (looks at her beeping pager) Oh, Ill be right back. And, uh, I know its really not my place, but please dont name your child Phoebo.
Monica: Okay, if you need the vacuum, its in my closet on the left-hand side. Ah, the garbage bags are next to the refrigerator
Ross: (closes the door) Did you umIm sorry, did you just say its Rachel?
Phoebe: Thats ridiculous Rachel, we were all babies once. (Rachel looks at her.) Oh, you mean today.
[Scene: Rachels birthday, a time lapse has occurred. Rachel is coming back into the living room carrying a notepad.]
(She opens a door and they both scream at horror at whats inside of it.)
Rachel: Yes, I know that. I know that. And I know that hiring him was probably not the smartest thing that Ive ever done. But Im telling you, from this moment on I swear this is strictly professional. (Theres a knock on the door.) Yes?
Phoebe: (clinking two glasses together) Speech! Speech! Lets hear from the birthday girl! Huh?
Phoebe: Well, at least you didnt rent yours from a store called, "Its Not Too Late."
Chandler: (worried) Hes the headliner of a gay burlesque show.
Joey: (pointing to the TV) Okay, Ross, look-look-look-look, look right here. Thats called a scrum, okay? Its kinda like a huddle.
[Sequence 1: Monica throws the ball over Chandlers head to Joey who catches it for a touchdown, and starts to dance in celebration. Chandler then tackles him, and he starts to dance in celebration.]
Amanda: Hello Monica. It’s Amanda calling again. I am in the neighborhood hoping I can pop by your flat!
Rachel: Huh. Except, Phoebes not gonna be the one that gets to dress them.
Rachel: Good! Cause Ive got a product report to read, its like eight pages, I hope I dont fall asleep.
Phoebe: Well, maybe its so big because the house was built on radioactive waste.
Ross: What? Oh yeah. (He moves next to her head.) Im sorry. I mean I-I think I went a little crazy. I mean I was thinking about myself when I (Wanders towards Rachels feet) reallyI should have been thinking about you Rach
Joey: Wow! Thats pretty nice. I thought he cut off his ear cause he sucked. What else you got in there?
Chandler: Im right! Right? There was like no chemistry between them. Before they had heat, and now theres no heat! Now you know what this means, Joey told us what this means!
Monica: Well, I mean what about friends of your grandmothers? Wouldnt they have the recipe?
Rachel: Why hasnt he called Rachel? Why? Why? I dont understand. Why? He said hell call. Why? Why? Chandler Im telling you she has flipped out, shes gone crazy!
Ross: Uh Dad, Emmas in the nursery. Ill take you now. If you want, but (To Rachel) I really want to talk to you.
Chandler: Oh thats right. Its your first day! So are you psyched to fight fake crime with your robot sidekick?
Rachel: Well, maybe thats, maybe thats really brave.
(Kathy enters (Because shes listed in the credits).)
Joey: Yeah, you can get a Volvo. If thats what you really want.
Monica: No! All hes thinking about is how youre taking this! I mean, listen its totally freaking him out. Hes talking about moving to Vermont.
Phoebe: Oh, okay, its the slide instead of stairs. Watch this. (She slides a doll down the slide)
(Shes interrupted by a loud crash and the sound of braking dishes. Followed quickly by another crash. Everyone turns and looks at the back room, as Gunther emerges.)
Joey: No way! Kay look, if I have to go to the doctor for anything its gonna be for this thing sticking out of my stomach! (Rolls over and shows Chandler.)
Monica: (on phone) Hello? (Listens) (To All) Its the deli again!
Rachel: Oh, okay. Is that what you want to do? You wanna go over and give a little shout out to the old, hot chickas? Okay, lets do that Sailor Joe. Quick question though, (grabs some of the rigging) whats this called?
Ross: Hi, um, Im err, (has to clear his throat) Im Ross Geller, and err ah... (pats Carols bulge) ..thats, thats my boy in there, and uh, (points) this is Carol Willick, and this... is Susan Bunch. Susan is um Carols, just, com... (embarrassment finally overwhelms the poor fellow, who becomes incoherent until) ..whos next?
Monica: Well Thats not the only time this was an issue. You remember when umm, you spent Thanksgiving with us? You called me fat.
Rachel: (sees Chips phone number) Wow! Look at that, Chip Matthews called. I wonder what he wants?
Ross: Its a clown kit! Clown kit!
[Scene: Dr. Longs Office, Ross and Rachel are waiting for the doctor. Ross is drumming his fingers on the bed.]
Monica: Thats Will from high school!
(Joey is now looking at Rachel, and since Rachels standing and hes sitting down and hes not looking at her face You get the picture.)
Ben: Whens my daddy coming back?
Monica: Passport, check! (As she puts away each item, she says check.) Camera, check! Travellers cheques, check!
Vince: No-no its okay. Its just that ah, I thought we had something pretty special here. And y'know I-I felt like you were someone I could finally open up to, and (starts choking up) That theres so much in me I have to share with you yet.
Chandler: (entering, with Joey) All right! Lets do it!
[Scene: Petes office, he is participating in a conference call with three other employees, each of whom are on a different TV screen that he controls with a remote.]
Ross: Hi! Im so glad youre here, but its gonna be a while. I-I wished youd called first.
[Scene: Ross and Chandlers bank, they are there to close their accounts.]
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Rachels baby shower is underway. Monica and Phoebe are working in the kitchen.]
[Scene: Monica and Phoebes, three years earlier, Phoebe, Monica, and Ross are there]
Monica: Hes with Emily at a Bed and Breakfast in Vermont!
Joey: No, an entertainment unit, with a mail cubby built right in. Its a one day job, max.
Joey: Hey-hey come on you guys, give him a break. Ross, seriously, hows it going with her?
(They all try and shake hands at once. They end up criss-crossing theyre arms to shake each others hand, and Ross says )
Phoebe: Yeah, no, Ralph doesnt look anything like that guy. Hes-hes young and hes got long hair and a beard and a hacky sack.
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica and Chandler are on the couch as Phoebe enters with Monicas soul mate.]
Joey: See? Thats a great smile! Easy. Natural. Now, pretend I have a camera. (Chandler immediately does The Face.) Youre changing it!
Phoebe: Ursula! (Ursula turns, smiles, and continues walking.) Wait! Err-err, its me! Phoebe!
[Scene, Monica and Chandlers, Chandler is there. Everything is out of its place and Chandler's cleaning.]
Joey: Pheebs! Wait up! (She stops.) Listen uh, close your eyes. (She does so and Joey passionately kisses her.) Maybe thats one thing you can cross off your list.
Monica: Okay, forget the specials for a minute. Umm, all right heres the thing, for the last two weeks I have umm, (quietly) tried really hard to create a positive atmosphere
Chandler: Well, its because I trust you, youre one of my best friends, and you walked in on me when I was looking at ring brochures.
Rachel: No! Put that box down! We are not going anywhere! This is my apartment and I like it! This is a girls apartment! That is a boys apartment, its dirty and it smells. This is pretty. Its-its so pretty! And look, and its-its purple! And Im telling you, you with the steady hand, I am not moving, and now I have got the steady hand. (She holds out her hand, which is shaking uncontrollably.)
Joey: No! Never! Never! (Pause, then Joey wants to shake Rosss hand.) Bye.
Rachel: Wh-whats that?
Russell: (Rosss divorce lawyer.) Hello, is Ross there?
Monica: (looking out the peephole) Ohh, shes looking down the hall. Oh! She looked right at me! Oh wait, you cant see people through that little hole, can you? (Goes back to the door.) Hello!
[Scene: The Hallway between the Apartments, Ross is hiding behind that bump out on Monicas side waiting for Phoebe and Rachel. As they come up the stairs, he jumps out and yells ]
(Rachel gets up and ushers them into the hall, as they pass Joshua, he leaps onto the counter to avoid them. Rachel drops them off in the hall, and knocks on Joeys door.)
Joey: Damnit woman were losing precious time! Now do you want this mans blood on your head?
Chandler: Its all very, very good. (She covers up and sits down.) So you wanna go uh, mix it up?
Joey: They go on one date and youre worried about them getting married?! Hes not you!
Monica: Wait. Rachel, no, hes married. Married! If you dont realize that, I cant help you.
Joey: Thats okay Ross maybe you need a new picture. Okay? Its not gonna be what you thought, but no matter what theres gonna be a brand new little baby, your baby. Who cares what the picture looks like?