words in movies
(They reach the desk. The bored nurse thinks she's heard it all before.)
Monica: Hi. Uh, my friend here was taking down our Christmas lights, and and she fell off the balcony and may have broken her foot or or ankle or something.
(Rachel glares at the nurse, who gives Monica a form attached to a clipboard.)
(Monica starts on the form, while Rachel catches her breath and massages her ankle.)
Rachel: (Tapping the clipboard) well, now, wait a second, who did I just put as my "In case of emergency" person?
Monica: (to the nurse) Hi, (tiny laugh) um, I'm gonna need a new set of (tiny laugh) these forms (tiny laugh).
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, has split up his newspaper so Joey can look at the funnies, while Ross's inappropriate joke at Lamaze class has come back to haunt him.]
Ross: No, no, with him. (He mimes holding the baby like a football.) I'm on this field, and they, they hike me the baby... and I, I know I've gotta do something 'cause the Tampa Bay defence is comin' right at me.
Ross: Right, but, it is just me and the baby, so I'm thinkin' they can take us. And so I uh, hah-hah, I just heave it down field.
Joey: He should take the sack?
Ross: Anyway, suddenly I'm down field, and I realise that I'm the one who's supposed to catch him, right? Only I know there is no way I'm gonna get there in time, so I am running, and running, and that, that is when I woke up. See I, I am so not ready to be a father.
Chandler: Hey, you're gonna be fine. You're one of the most caring, most responsible men in North America. You're gonna make a great dad.
Joey: Yeah, Ross. You and the baby just need better blocking.
Joey: Oh, have either one of you guys ever been to the Rainbow Room? Is it real expensive?
Joey: Oh, man. What're the odds of that happening?
Chandler: Man, if you tried something like that on my birthday, you'd be starin' at the business end of a hissy fit.
[Scene: The Hospital, Monica and Rachel are waiting for the doctors to arrive. They enter and are played by Noah Wyle and George Clooney.]
Dr. Mitchell: ..you add a pinch of saffron, it makes all the difference.
(They approach the young ladies. Dr. Mitchell consults Ms.Geller's admissions form.)
Monica: Uh, you left out the stupid part.
Rachel: Not stupid. The very cute, cute, cute doctors asked us out for tomorrow night, and I said "yes."
Monica: I think it's totally insane, I mean, they work for the hospital. It's like returning to the scene of the crime. You know, I say we blow off the dates.
Rachel: What? Monica, they are cute, they are doctors, (spelling it out in the air for her slow friend) cute doctors, doctors who are cute!
(There is a knock at the door. Someone turns the music off, then the whole party runs and hides, except for Monica and Rachel who answer their door. Ross stands in the doorway, holding a box, but everyone is too keyed up to notice that it's him.)
The Whole Party: (Jumping up) SURPRISE!!!
(Ross is so startled that he throws his arms up to defend himself. The box takes off, then lands with a squishy thud, its contents oozing out onto the floor. Ross is not pleased.)
Ross: What the hell are you doing? You scared the crap outta me.
Rachel: Was that the cake?
(The whole party gathers round as Ross puts the box on the coffee table.)
(As Ross opens the lid, everybody looks at the mess inside.)
(Phoebe quietly wanders in, to join the tableau.)
Phoebe's Friends: (Finally noticing the guest of honour) Surprise!
Phoebe: (Delighted) oh, oh, oh! This is so great! Oh my god! This was not at all scary. Hi everybody. Hi Betty! Betty, Hi! (Thrilled) You found Betty! Oh my god! (Hugging people) This is great. Everybody I love is in the same room, (still happy) Where's Joey?
(The party falls flat. Chandler tries to think of a witticism, but even he can't help...)
Mr. Geller: I'm not freaking out, I'm just saying, if somebody had come to me with the idea andndash;
Ross: Dad, dad, dad, I'm talkin' about the whole uh, baby thing. Did you uh, ever get this sort of... panicky, "Oh my god I'm gonna be a father" kind of a thing?
Mr. Geller: No. Your mother really did the work. I was busy with the business. I wasn't around that much. Is that what this is about?
Mr. Geller: Oh, well, I, I guess it musta been the day after you were born. We were in the hospital room, your mother was asleep, and they brought you in and gave you to me. You were this ugly little red thing, and all of a sudden you grabbed my finger with your whole fist. And you squeezed it, so tight. And that's when I knew.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is just getting off of the intercom and turns off the TV which is still in the SAP mode.]
Monica: Rachel, the cute doctors are here.
(Monica opens the door for Dr. Mitchell and Dr. Geoffrey.)
Dr. Mitchell: Look at this, it's from the cellars of Ernest and Tova Borgnine, so how could we resist?
Dr. Rosen: So, Monica, how's the ankle?
Rachel (as Monica): You know what, it's feeling a lot better, thank you, um... Well, listen, why don't you two sit down and, and we'll get you some glasses... okay... (They don't know what to do with their coats and Monica points to the living room) STAT!
(Rachel joins Monica who is in the kitchen area, opening the wine bottle. Rachel checks that the doctors aren't listening, then lowers her voice anyway.)
Monica: A wuss? Excuse me for living in the real world, okay?
(Back at the couch, Dr. Mitchell and Dr. Rosen have concerns of their own.)
Dr. Rosen: (Nervously) okay, but you have to admit that every time we go out... Women we meet at the hospital... It turns into...
Dr. Mitchell: Willya relax? Look around. No pagan altars, no piles of bones in the corners, they're fine. (Baring his teeth to clean them with his finger) Go like this. (Dr. Rosen obeys.)
(Meanwhile, back at the sink.)
Rachel: (Resenting the truth) I am not a baby! You know what? I swear to god, just because you get so uptight every time we...
(Rachel brightly limps back across the apartment with glasses of wine for the cute doctors, leaving an open-mouthed Monica in her wake.)
Monica: (as Rachel) Yeah... (joining the others) ..see, I was supposed to get married, but, um, I left the guy at the altar.
Monica: (as Rachel) Yeah... Yeah, I know it's pretty selfish, but haha, hey, that's me. (Indicating a dish on the table) Why don't you try the hummus?
Dr. Mitchell: God bless the chickpea.
(The doctors don't know what to make of all this.)
Rachel: (as Monica) And by the way, have I mentioned that back in high school, I was a cow?
(Rachel lets her anger show too. Hideously embarrassed, the doctors drain their glasses in the vicious pause which follows. The telephone rings, but the girls just glower at each other, silently daring the other to move first. Finally both guys jump up, and Michael wins.)
Dr. Mitchell: (on the phone) Monica and Rachel's apartment. Err yeh, aayah, yeh, just one second... (handing it to Monica) ..ah, Rachel, it's your dad.
(Monica glares triumphantly across the room, scaring Rachel who also stands up.)
(Completely undone by Monica's verbal destruction, Rachel almost loses her balance as she staggers backwards, eyes agog, gasping for breath, and literally not knowing which way to turn. Finally, she escapes into the bathroom while a resigned Dr. Mitchell looks philosophically at Dr. Rosen who seems about remind him of the good old days at the pagan altar.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the next morning, Ross, Phoebe, Chandler and Monica sit round the coffee table, playing Scrabble. Rachel, still in her dressing gown, is pleading on the phone, her free hand shaking with agitation.]
Rachel: (on phone) Daddy... Daddy... Daddy, why whyyy would I sleep with Billy Dreskin? His father tried to put you out of business! (Rachel turns to Monica, clasping the receiver to her bosom so Dr.Green can't hear, while mouthing "You are...") ...dead!
Monica: Ross, he's got the remote again.
Rachel: Hello? (Listens) Um, yeah, uh, (snapping her fingers at Ross who takes the remote from Marcel, then turns off the TV) Okay ah, hold on a second, lemme lemme just check and see if see if she's here.
(All animosity forgotten, Rachel holds the receiver out as she limps quickly over to her friend, who stands up in concern.)
Rachel: It's the woman from the hospital admissions office. She says there's a problem with the form. Oh, god, oh god...
Rachel: Okay (desperately hands the receiver over) no, you do it.
Monica: (taking the phone) Hello, this is Monica... Yeah??? Oh... (Smiles at Rachel to reassure her) Okay, yes, we'll be right, we'll be right down.(Listens) Thank you. (Hangs up)
Monica: We forgot to sign one of the admissions forms.
Joey: Your sister stood me up the other night.
Joey: I've been trying for two days. When I called the restaurant, they said she was too busy to talk. I can't believe she's blowin' me off.
[Scene: Riff's, Phoebe is entering. Ursula returns with two plates of chicken, but she only has time to set one on the table, when...]
Ursula: Um, yeah, I'm just... (waving dismissively at the concept) ..working.
(Ursula points out a vacant table, so the twins walk over, side by side, to sit down. Departing customers walk right past the pair. Sitting at the back, a hungry gentleman looks most annoyed as Ursula sets his meal down in front of her. The girls sit.)
(Ursula picks up a fork and begins eating the meat, while Phoebe removes a present from her bag.)
(She laughs at the childhood memory. Phoebe smiles at being able to make her point.)
Phoebe: Right, like the kind you...
(Ursula gets up to fetch a box from her bag by the counter.)
(Ursula puts the box directly into Phoebe's hand. Phoebe brightens.)
(Phoebe opens the box, to find something familiar inside.)
(Phoebe's smile hardens as she packs the cardigan away.)
Phoebe: So... What's the deal with umm, you and Joey?
(A waiter comes over for the stolen chicken. Ursula turns to him.)
(The man gives up, shaking his head.)
Ursula: What? (Indicating the departing waiter) Do you think he likes me?
(Trying not to wrinkle her nose, Phoebe smiles back realising it's down to her to make up for her negligent sister. Meanwhile, Ursula still hasn't received her side salad, but when she attempts to attract the waiter's attention, he ignores her.)
[Scene: The Emergency Room. The officious admissions nurse is again on duty. Rachel and Monica enter, looking worried. As they approach the desk, Rachel adopts a winning smile, while Monica struggles to smile at all.]
Monica: (as Rachel) Um, okay. You just called a little while ago about needing a signature on the admissions form. Well, it turns out we need a whole new one (little laugh) because uh, you see, I-I, I put the wrong name again. (Little laugh) 'cause um...
(The girls escape with a new form.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler is neglecting the game of Scrabble, for he's busily drawing on his own childhood in an attempt to help Ross. Marcel chitters about.]
Chandler: What's up with the simian?
Chandler: Okay... (returning to the board) ..whose turn is it?
(The unvoiced hissing continues. In alarm, Ross and Chandler look at the monkey, who is now in some distress.)
[Scene: The Emergency Room, Monica sits with Rachel, who is filling out an honest form at last. Ross and Chandler hurtle in. Little Marcel, wrapped in a fluffy towel, is cradled in Ross's arms. They dash up to the admissions desk. Ross is frantic.]
Ross: No, no you don't understand the animal hospital is way across town he's choking I don't know what else to do.
(Ross and Chandler turn at the voice...)
(..then turn back to the desk when the surprise hits them, and Ross and Chandler whip around once more. Monica and Rachel recoil slightly.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is playing "She Loves Me, She Loves Me Not" with the petals of a flower, alternately looking hopeful and annoyed. Phoebe enters, but not as herself, for she has changed the style of her hair and make-up to match that of her twin sister. She hangs up her coat, revealing her new cardigan. Nervously, she smooths out the identifying garment, approaching Joey who sits next to the main sofa.]
Joey: I don't get it. What happened? What about everything you said under the bridge?
Phoebe: (as Ursula): Yeah, um... (nervously clears her throat) You know you, you should just forget about what I said under the bridge, I was talkin' crazy that night, I was so drunk!
(He sinks to the sofa, saddened by Ursula's ultimatum, while Phoebe follows, touched by Joey's good heart.)
(Phoebe smiles, when Joey takes her face in his hands and kisses her. Joey gets up to leave but stops suddenly. Phoebe silently shouts "Oh, whoa!!" to herself, and leans back in the sofa to recover, a hand to her tingling lips. A thoughtful Joey is also feeling his lips, so he hesitates for a moment, then returns for a better view, he thinks again, cocking his head from side to side to regard her profile from various angles, then...)
[Scene: The Hospital, Marcel lies on the operating table while recovering from the anaesthetic, tucked up under a sheet like an infant in a huge bed. Ross sits beside him, as a smiling Chandler, Monica and Rachel look on.]
(The door bursts open, and Joey and Phoebe rush in.)
Joey: We just got the message.
Ross: Yeah. The doctor got the 'K' out. He also found an 'M' and an 'O'.
Ross: Well, the doctor says he's gonna be fine, he's just sleeping now.
(Ross does approve of this, but he's still not sure. The tiny figure stirs.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone except Joey is there. Rachel is looking out of the window and Ross is handing out some Chinese takeout. There's a small SAP in the corner of the screen.]
(Rachel points out of the window.)
Rachel: �Mira, mira, el viejo desnudo est� haciendo el hula hoop! (Look, look, Ugly Naked Guy is doing the hula!)
(The others rush to the window for a look.)
(Marcel grabs the remote.)
Monica: Mira, Ross, Marcel se llevo el control remoto. (Look, Ross, Marcel's got the remote.)
Ross: �Lo que sucedio es que no le gusta la tele! (The thing is, he doesn`t like the program!)
Phoebe: Oh well, lost again. (She gets up and slowly moves away. The lurker scurries in and takes her spot, only this time Phoebe set a trap for her and catches her in the act.) That's it! You and me, outside!
Monica: (To Joey) Oh, about that. Joey, you have to change before the party.
(The woman gets up and walks over to their table.)
Chandler: ....three years of modern dance with Twila Tharp! Five years with the American Ballet Theater?!
Phoebe: Well speaking of chiming in, remember the time you burned down my apartment?
Joey: WhatBut you saw the show!
(She takes it out of her mouth and hands it to him as Monica returns from her room and this time forcing Chandler to put the ring in his mouth.)
Monica: Something went wrong with Underdog, and they couldn't get his head to inflate. So anyway, um, his head is like flopping down Broadway, right, and I'm just thinking... how inappropriate this is. Um, I've got something in my eye, uh, Joey, could we check it in the light, please?
Chandler: (Also very excited) That sounds more fun than the thing we were going to do in Vermont!
Janice: So, do we have the best friends or what?
Rachel: That is the Coast Guard.
Chandler: Hey! (Joey quickly hides the magazine under the couch.)
Ross: According to Chandler, what phenomenon scares the bejeezus out of him?
(Monica closes the door and slowly walks into Rachel’s old and now empty room.)
Rachel: Well, I dont know. I called all the people in Monicas phone book and these are the only ones who could show up on 24 hours notice.
Joey: Yeah, and Im a little tired from digging the hole.
[Cut to Central Perk, Phoebe at the mike.]
MR. GREENE: ...and the bansai's and the chiuaua...
Joey: I know, but, I was the best, you know? I liked being the best. (He downs the glass of juice in one swig.) I don't know. Maybe I should just get outta the game. They need guys up in housewares to serve cheese.
Director: (to Joey) Good job, little buddy. That was some really good French. But I think we're gonna go with someone else for the part.
Phoebe: God, that is the nicest kitchen.
Phoebe: You dont play the oboe!
Phoebe: Yknow? Ooh, you can almost smell the opium.
Hombre Man: (to a customer) Hombre? (The guy says yes, and gets his sample.)
Rachel: Well maybe she and her friends are just having a contest to see who can bring home the biggest geek.
JOEY: Whichever one you want, man. Whichever one you want. [Chandler starts to sit in one of the chairs] Not that one.
Chandler: Why did you take the shower curtain down?
Ross: Uh okay, well theres-theres wine in the kitchen.
Chandler: Hey, buddy boy, howd the audition go?
Ross: No, 10 is the highest.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ben is playing in his crib while Chandler and Ross are leaning against the rim and are completely asleep.]
The Casting Director: Any time you're ready, Joey.
Ross: Fine. Fine, but I want the record to show that I tried to take the high road, because in about five minutes Im gonna be saying (He laughs and points at Rachel sarcastically.)
Rachel: I don't think he's the one who needs help.
(Chandler and Monica leave. Cut to Joey, watching the Knicks/Celtics game on television.)
Rachel: Well, I brought the next best thing.
Phoebe: Oh. (takes her beeper puts in a pot, covers it, and puts the pot in the oven)
Phoebe: Okay Joey? Chandler's here, he was wondering (We hear the dial tone as Joey hangs up.) Okay, I guess he ran out of change.
(They start to walk into the living room and notice someones head sticking up from behind a chair. The camera cuts to the other side and we see its Ross.)
Joey: Oh its water under the bridge, forget it!
Dr. Rhodes: Wait a minute, hold it. (He goes to the door and opens it.) Johnson! Will you come in here a moment?
Chandler: (coming all the way in) Listen, I just wanted to apologize about this afternoon and the whole massage thing. Y'know? I-I really like 'em.
Joey: Oh, you said it Mike. (Rips open the carton and spills milk on the counter) Aw! There's got to be a better way!
Joey: Ah, well, if I want the girl to kiss me, first thing I do is make my lips look irresistible.
[Scene: San Diego Zoo. Ross is at the Monkey cages.]
Chandler: At least let me smoke it to the good part.
The Doctor: (entering) (To the receptionist) Can I have the next one please? (Takes the form.) Joey and Tony Tribbiani. (Joey and Carl stand up.)
(Joey lies down on the gurney.)
Tag: I feel great. (Rachel laughs) In fact! (Walks over to her desk, sweeps its contents onto the floor and Rachel just glares at him.) What?
Phoebe: Oh, but, could we not go together? I,I don't wanna be the geek that invited the boss.
Ross: Yeah-yeah, except Apollo 8 didnt actually land on the moon. But you-you-you could write that umm, your love lets me orbit the moon twice and return safely. (Apollo 8 was the first one that orbited the moon and the one that read the Christmas Story from the orbit of the moon on Christmas Eve, 1968. They also took the famous Earthrise picture of the Earth rising over the moon.)
[Cut to Monica out on the balcony.]
Monica: God, look what I found in the drain.
Chandler: Ok, I think she's trying to tell us something. Quick, get the verbs.
Rachel: It wouldn't have mattered anyway, Phoebe, you and I are, are gonna live together, we're roommates; that's the deal.
Monica: Third door on the left.
Phoebe: Youre the best. Thanks. Oh!
(They enter the lecture hall to find Ross speaking in an English accent for some unknown reason.)
Phoebe: Wow! Well, if you nail the interview, you'll get it!
Rachel: Yknow, all the women.
Joey: (checks in the window to make sure it has them) Its got em!
RACHEL: What? Come on, it's not like I'm asking for this girly clock or anything, which, by the way, I also think is very cool.
The Fan: Oh yeah! Ive seen all her movies.
(Joey starts to return the fumble and Chandler grabs Joeys shirt and rips it off of his back.)
[Scene: Mike's apartment. Phoebe's there and the phone rings.]
Phoebe: (looking at the picture again) Man alive!
[Scene: A Brown Bird meeting, Ross is there with the other Brown Birds to see who won the contest.]
(They hear a knocking sound coming from the hallway and go to investigate.)
Chandler: The hot chicks?
Phoebe: (Looking relieved. She puts down the phone.) Oh thank god. Oh, you changed your mind. Oh, look I know you probably want to be alone, and you dont want to talk about it, thats fine. I just want you to know, I think you are doing the right thing and...
The Colonel: OH MY GAWD!!!! (Yep, its Janice.)
Rachel: Ohhh, this is the least jealous Ive ever been!
Smart Kid: Isnt the Mastodon from the Pliocene Epic?
MRS GREEN: This is just so exciting. You know, I never worked. I went straight from my father's house to the sorority house to my husband's house. I am just so proud of you.
Chandler: Yeah, Id love to but Ive tried that so many times they wont even let me in the store anymore.
Carol: Hey Rachel! (The camera cuts to her face and we see that Ben pulled the quarter trick with her as well.)
(They hug and give each other a little peck on the cheek.)
Joey: Why is 10 the highest?
Monica: (to the couple) Hi! Can you do that and walk? Cause she said, "Next."
Phoebe: Well okay, let this be a lesson to all of you, all right. Once you, once you betray me, I become like the ice woman, yknow. Very cold, hard, unyielding, y'know nothing, nothing can penetrate this icy exterior. (to Monica) Can I have a tissue, please?
MR. GELLER: Look, I know what you're going through. When I turned 50 I got the Porsche. You... you got your own little speedster.
Joey: All right, you know what? We don't have a choice. It's like I would have said in that sci-fi movie if I'd gotten the part. "Those are our men in there, we have to get them out! Even if I have to sacrifice the most important thing in my life; my time-machine."
Ross: You know, sometimes when I'm alone in my apartment, I look over here and you guys... are just having dinner or... watching TV or something, but... it makes me feel better. And now when I look over, who am I gonna see? The Gottliebs, the Yangs? They don't make me feel so good. (Joey pats Ross on his back)
Ross: Sorry, Im kinda keeping this one on the Q.T.
Ross: The ride broke down. So, Carol and I went behind a couple of those mechanical Dutch children... then they fixed the ride, and we were asked never to return to the Magic Kingdom.
(He tries pushing against the chest of drawers. Then he opens one of the drawers and climbs into the closet using that; he falls behind the chest of drawers with a shout.)
Rachel: Well now whats the rush?
Ross: Thats right! Thats right! Saran Wrap on the toilet seat so the pee goes everywhere!
Chandler: What the hell is going on?!
MONICA: Ok people, I want you to take a piece of paper, here you go, and write down your most embarassing memory. Oh, and I do ask that when you're not using the markers, you put the caps back on them because they will dry out.
Joey: Sounds great! Okay all right, well where does this go? (The lamp hes holding.)
Dr. Green: The wedding! Theres going to be a wedding. Young lady, dont you sit there and tell me my first grandchild is going to be a bastard! (Rachel pauses) Rachel Karen Green, tell me there is gonna be a wedding!!
Phoebe: Hi. Listen, Im sorry about that whole thing with Roger. It really wasnt right, and I, and I want to make it up to you, so umm, I brought you something that I think youll really enjoy. (Goes into the hallway and returns carrying the Evander Holyfield cutout.) Now, this is just a loan. Okay? Im gonna, Im gonna want him back. So (Looks at him longingly) Im gonna go now. (Exits.) (Pause) (Entering) Im sorry, I thought I could do it and I cant! (She grabs the cutout and exits for good.)
Janine: In the moment, yeah.
The Head Librarian: How can I help you?
Phoebe: Maybe your resolution is to not make fun of your friends, especially the ones who may soon be flying you to Europe for free on their own plane.
Ross: That's right, Ben. I'm Santa's representative for all the southern states. And Mexico! But, Santa sent me here to give you these presents, Ben. (He tries to bend down to pick up the bag with the presents, but can't because of the costume) Maybe the Lady will help me with these presents.
RACHEL: When I was um, 7, I crashed my bike right out in front of his house and to stop me from crying he kissed me right here. [points to the tip of her nose]
(Chandler turns on the TV and )
Ross: (squatting and reading the instructions) I'm supposed to attach a brackety thing to the side things, using a bunch of these little worm guys. I have no brackety thing, I see no whim guys whatsoever and- I cannot feel my legs.