words in movies
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is watching TV, and we hear Mr. Treeger in the bathroom.]
Chandler: Treegers snaking the shower drain.
Mr. Treeger: What in the name of hell?
(Joey sits down and changes the channel, and we see two people making out.)
Joey: Whoa! Is this porn? What did I do? I mustve hit something on the remote.
Mr. Treeger: (coming in from the bathroom) Whoa, hey, that ladys all kinds of naked.
Chandler: Yeah, Joey just pressed something on the remote and it just, came on!
Mr. Treeger: Yeah, it happened to me once. I was just flipping through the channels and bam! It was like finding money.
Mr. Treeger: Then I made the mistake of turning off the TV, I never got it back again. And Im sad. (Exits.)
Joey: (to Chandler) Why would he turn off the TV? (Chandler shrugs.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, later that morning. The porn is still on, there are three women getting ready to shave the chest of some guy. Joey and Chandler are wondering why that guy is letting them shave his chest, and Monica and Rachel are eating breakfast at the foosball table.]
Rachel: All right, yknow what, come on, do we really have to watch this while we eat? (She makes a move for the remote.)
Joey: Yeah, so no one touches the remote. And no one touches the TV!
Chandler: And no one touches the air around the TV!
Joey and Chandler: Oh no-no-no! (Monica mutes the TV and they tentatively look behind them)
Rachel: Give it here. (She takes the table.) Oh, God. (And gives it to Monica right away.)
Phoebe: Ohh, Im getting too pregnant for this, lugging around a stupid massage table. Yknow, I have to find a job where I carrying a smaller table. (She goes over and stands in front of the TV.)
Joey: Pheebs! Youre blocking the porn! Look out!
Ross: So uh, Emily just went to the airport.
Monica: You must feel horrible. Hey! The guys have free porn!
Ross: Well I, thats the thing, I dont know! I mean, whenever I brought it up with her she said, (In a British accent.) "This is so fantastic! Why do we have to talk about the future? Lets just enjoy "
Monica: (interrupting him) No-no-no, dont-dont do the accent. Youve got to see her again.
Monica: No! Yknow, the fantasy! Meet someone from a strange land, fall in madly love, and spend the rest of your lives together.
Ross: Is that why in junior high you were the only one that hung out with that Ukrainian kid?
Monica: Ohhh, I knew you loved her! Then you need to go to the airport and tell her. Youre probably just gonna catch her just as shes about to go to the gate. Youre gonna call out her name and say, "I love you!" And shes gonna say, "I love you, too!" And you guys are going to have the most amazing kiss, everyone at the gate will applaud.
Monica: Then you two can, can sneak into the cockpit, and things will start to heat up, and then a stewardess comes in (Ross looks at her.) Ive been watching too much porn.
[Scene: Beth Israel Medical Center, Phoebe is at her OB-GYN doing an ultrasound, Rachel is with her. We here the babys heartbeat.]
Rachel: Is that the heartbeat?
The Doctor: Thats it.
(The heartbeat changes, and we hear a different one.)
The Doctor: Have we talked about the possibility of multiple births?
The Doctor: No, Im getting three separate heartbeats.
The Doctor: Doctors are wrong all the time.
The Doctor: Definitely. (Points out each head on the ultrasound.)
The Doctor: Actually, giving birth to three babies isnt that different from giving birth to one.
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is there, waiting to tell Frank and Alice the news.]
Alice: Hi! (She runs over and hugs Phoebes stomach.) So, how did it go at the doctors?
Phoebe: Oh well, okay, hey, yknow how when youre umm, youre walking down the street and you see three people in a row, and you say, "Oh, thats nice?"
Phoebe: No, no maybe cause its harder to raise them, and the added expense, and
Frank: Yeah, Ive been thinking ever since you said we were having triplets, the best thing for me to do is to drop out of college and get a job.
[Scene: The airport, Emily is getting ready to board her flight to London.]
Ticket Agent: (On the P.A.) This is the boarding call for Flight 009.
Ross: Thats, thats, thats a big candy bar. (Shes holding one of those huge Toblerone bars.) I had the most amazing time with you.
Ticket Agent: This is the final boarding call for Flight 009.
Emily: Well, that me. (They kiss again.) Here, have this. (She gives him the candy bar.) Im only allowed one piece of carryon anyway. (She starts towards the jetway.)
Emily: Oh. (Shes shocked and hugs him.) Thank you. (She boards the plane.)
Chandler: Its the theme from Good Will Humping.
Rachel: No, he told me. He prefers to leave certain things to the imagination.
Chandler: Oh-oh, yeah, and did he also say that ah, some of the dialogue was corny and that he actually found it was funny and not sexy?
Monica: It is not over because she is going to call you and tell you she loves you. And the reason why she couldnt, is because her feelings were so strong, it scared her. Now you go home and wait for her call, she could be calling you from the plane! Come on now go! Go! (Tries to push Ross out the door.)
(Ross leaves, and after the door closes, Joey gives him the loser sign.)
Chandler: Hi! Listen, can we watch cartoons on your television? We need a porn break. We spent the last two hours watching In & Out & In, Again.
Chandler: Because then we would be the guys who turned off free porn.
Phoebe: Oh this, well Im glad you asked. (She opens the case and removes a knife and an soda can.) Now, dont you hate it when you have to cut a tin can with an ordinary steak knife? (She efficiently cuts it in half.) Ahh! Now, I know what youre thinking
Phoebe: No-no, I know that, but I just have to make enough money for the second part of my plan.
Chandler: Whats the second part of your plan?
[Scene: Rosss bedroom, he has fallen asleep waiting for Emily to call. He is awaken by the phone.]
Ross: (Answers the phone.) Hello?
Ross: Does that mean the same thing in England as it does in America?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, Ross is relating his recent conversation with Emily to the gang.]
Ross: Im not proving anything. Okay, Im done listening to you. If I hadnt let you talk me into going to the airport in the first place, I never wouldve put my fist through the wall!
Chandler: You put your fist through the wall?
Ross: No, I missed and hit the door. But, it opened really hard!
Monica: You sat back and let him have her, you didnt fight at all. Am I right? Do you want the same thing to happen with Emily?
Monica: All right then, go fight for her! Go to London! I mean, that could be you and Emily! (Points to the TV.) That, but-but nicer. Just, go to London!
Joey: Ross! Ross! If youre going to the airport, could you pick me up another one of those Toblerone bars? (Chandler nods his head no.)
Rachel: Well, we were walking down the street and we saw that van that you guys used for catering and we realised
Phoebe: Okay. You know how people need transportation, but they also need massages to help them relax so I just figured we could combine the two, okay, I give the massages and Frank drives! I can fix up the van, bolt the table in the back, and you know what Ive got?
Phoebe: The name was my favourite part!
(The phone rings and Monica answers it.)
Ross: No, because she hasnt come home yet. And she hasnt been home all night! Shes obviously staying with that other guy, and Im the stupid moron who spent the whole night outside her apartment!
Monica: All right. When is, when is the next flight out?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, later that same night. There is a knock on the door and Chandler answers it to reveal Emily standing behind it.]
(She sets her bag down on the foosball table and Joey sees the Toblerone bar sticking out of it and gazes longingly at it.)
[Cut to London, we sit Ross sitting outside Emilys apartment. We hear Emilys phone ring with amazing clarity. Apparently, sound travels quite easily through the walls of British buildings. Anyhoo, Ross looks around for the ringing phone and in the meantime Emilys answering machine picks up and once again with amazing clarity we hear Emily say ]
Emily: Ross, are you there? Ross, I dont know if you can hear this but (Ross has moved to the window, apparently so that he can hear better.) Im gonna talk anyway, uh, Im in the States with you sister and your friends and its all over with Colin. I came here to tell you that, and to tell youYes, Joey you can have all the chocolate you want, just take it! Uh, I came here to tell you that I love you.
Ross: (yelling, thinking Emily can hear him through the answering machine all the way to New York.) I love you too! Im, Im gonna call you right now from the phone booth! (Realises) You cant hear me. (Goes to make his call.)
Emily: I wish I could know if youd heard any of that. I suppose Ive either just told you I love you or given my neighbours a good laugh. Mrs. Newman if youre listening, bugger off this in none of your business. I suppose theres not much chance you did heard that, and theres the call waiting so, I should go. Oh well. (Answers the call waiting.) Hello.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, Joey is still watching the porn as Chandler enters.]
Chandler: I was just at the bank, and there was this really hot teller, and she didnt ask me to go do it with her in the vault.
Joey: Same kind of thing happened to me! Woman pizza delivery guy come over, gives me the pizza, takes the money, and leaves!
Chandler: What, no, "Nice apartment, I bet the bedrooms are huge?"
Chandler: Yknow what, we have to turn off the porn.
(Goes over and picks up the remote.)
(Chandler turns off the porn and sets the remote down.)
(Chandler turns on the TV and )
Phoebe: Oh okay. Umm, all right. (Picks up the phone and starts reading from the script.) Hi, this is Phoebe from Empire Office Supplies, can I speak to your supply manager please?
Phoebe: Oh, is that who the monkey's named after?
Monica: The Luisa from home room!
Hayley: so it was kind of a shock after 25 years of marriage my parents, a perfect couple getting divorced, I kinda took it the hardest cause I was the youngest.
The Acting Teacher: All right, lets start with some basics. Can anybody tell me what the difference between upstage and downstage is?
Phoebe: Or we could just follow your clever jokes any ideas? No! Didnt think so! Okay, cmon guys, show us where the presents are!
Phoebe: No. (opens the box) wh - get off your sister! Oh my god, what are we gonna do? We have 7 rats. So what if each of them has 7 rats? And then each of those have 7 rats? That's like ... (starts counting with her fingers) That's math I can't even do! What are we gonna do?
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler is reading the newspaper as the phone rings. He lets the machine answer it.]
(Marcel puts a CD in the player.)
ROSS: [sitting at table talking to a girl] It's hard to tell because I'm sweating, but I use exactly what the gel bottle says, an amount about the size of a pea. How, how can that be too much?
Joey: Yeah, its for the kids. To keep the kids off drugs. Its a very important issue in this months Playboy. Im sure you all read about it.
Rachel: (looking out the window) What's with the rain, Geller? I mean, when I signed up for Dino Week, nobody said anything about it being monsoon season.
Ross: (to the kid) Oh yeah? Well, I'm rubber, you're glue, whatever(to Chandler)can't do it. (to the kid) Listen, uh- gimme back my puck.
(The women quickly shut the door)
[Scene: Phoebes birthday, shes taking the hippity-hop to Ursulas apartment as a gift. She knocks on the door and Ursula answers it.]
Janice: Well umm, I thought I was going to go back to my apartment but then I just felt I couldnt really be alone tonight. (Joey walks into view of the open door behind Janice, sees her, gets a terrified look on his face, and flees in horror.) I was wondering if I could maybe stay here with you, just I really feel that I need to be with family.
Joey: Hey, hey. How was the first day?
Ross: Yeah-uh-huh. Tomorrow night, Valentines Day, the most romantic day of the year. Who knows what could happen? I might not be shutting my drapes to show her my slides, if you know what I mean.
[Outside in the hallway, Chandler, Joey, and Monica exit]
[Scene: Ross and Rachel's, Ross is ordering something over the phone from a catalog.]
Ross: Yeah. Listen about that, the whole uh, who came on to who thing really doesnt matter. I mean, I think it wouldve happened either way. I mean if you hadnt initiated it I-I-I know I wouldve.
Rachel: (threatening Joey with a scrunchy): Step away from the crib, I have a weapon!
(Ross proceeds to apply copious amounts of the lotion on his legs. He literally starts spraying the back of his legs with the lotion, and as he applies some to his butt he makes a happy face like he enjoyed that sensation. After using about half the bottle he again tries to pull up his pants, but at the first sign of resistance, his hand slips off of the pants and hits him in the forehead.)
Mr. Kaplan: (opening the closet door revealing that its full of tangled up hangers.) I need these hangers separated ASAP. (she is stunned) Youre welcome.
Monica: Okay, Rachel, you wanna put the marshmallows in concentric circles.
Eric: Yeah. (They hug.) Maybe its for the best. You smell just like her.
Joey: We have to find the rest of the platoon!
(Rachel grins as Ross removes the girlie jacket, grabs his own, and rushes out.)
Pete: Youre, hey, youre not paying for the pizza!
Ross: A hundred?! Well, I-I guess Ill take aMona, uh I-Im not sure about the whole uh, card thing.
Joey: I know! Im sorry! The guys drunk, they wont let me go until we get this.
Ross: You should've seen the look on her face. I don't want Rachel to hate me! I don't know what to do.
Monica: I know. But umm, one time there was this really dirty car in front of the building, so I washed it.
Rachel: In the future, when a girl asks for some ill-advised sympathy sex... just do it. (she smiles fakely at him)
Phoebe: You didn't get the money, did you?
Chandler: See, it pays to know the man who wears my shoes. (Joey and Ross wonder what he means) Me.
(He shuts the door and Ross and Monica fling cookies at it)
Rachel: (stopping him) Oh no-no, no-no, they dont want you to put your hands in the pockets until you are out of the store.
Ross: Oh well. It probably wouldve been the most constructive solution.
Joey: Y'know what I mean, about how I'm always going out with all these women. And I always figured, when the right one comes along, I'd be able to be a stand-up guy and go the distance, y'know? Now I'm looking at my dad, thinking...
Chandler: You slept with the stripper?
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Phoebe is at the sink and Chandler is looking at a ring brochure.]
Doug: No-no, I heard what you said, funny. I like funny. (Chandler starts to leave) This team is about hard work, but its also about having fun. Good to have you aboard Bing! (smacks him on the butt, and Chandler leaves shocked.)
Monica: Oh-my-god Rachel! (Rushing out to look over the edge) Rachel!
Ross: (sarcastic) And you made it through that? I wonder who's gonna play you in the movie!
Phoebe: Thats good, you should be impulsive and you should be romantic. Just you did it with the wrong person. (He looks at her.) What?
Monica: This switch thing has been driving me crazy. So I turned it off and checked every outlet. Now, four of them dont work. Which means, one of them has to be controlled by the switch. So, I plugged in things in all four of the outlets that-that make noise, so that way, when I turn it on I just follow the noise and find out which one it is.
Ticket Counter Attendant: (on the P.A.) This is the final boarding call for Flight 664 to Yemen.
Paul: How to make the next one even shorter?
Chandler: Thats not really important right now. What is important is; while we appreciate the gesture, we just dont feel bagpipes are appropriate for our wedding.
Ross: The guy on the cover with his nipples showing?
Phoebe: Okay, umm, if a kid gets straight As, his parents would say, "Yeah, he pulled a Monica." Y'know? Or a fireman saves a baby, and they go, "Yeah I know, he pulled a Monica." Or someone hits a homerun and the announcer says, "Yeah, that ones outta here." Though some things dont change.
Rachel: Well Phoebe, we gotta do something! (They turn the corner.) Well, yknow. I mean theres no way Joeys gonna make it in time. So Im gonna through the hotel and see if theres any other weddings going on.
Monica: Well, I was thinking, that you gave the guys such great haircuts, I thought, maybe you'd like to do mine?
Monica: Four, please. (Ross looks at her) Im really nervous. (Ross gives her the four dogs) Thank you. (she grabs four buns, and heads back inside)
Rachel: I don't know, you know, just the way she waltzed in here all smart, and tall! You know, and just swept Joey off his feet... I mean, nobody else has a chance!
Joey: Yeah! You, Chan, and the vein!
Chandler: Oh, thats Parents Day, first grade. Thats me with the janitor Martin.
[Camera pans to the Geller family table. Ross, Rachel, Mr. and Mrs. Geller are there.]
Rachel: (sarcastically) Really? Well, it seems to me if you'd done the right thing, I would not have woken up today feeling stupid and embarrassed, I would have woken up feeling comforted and satisfied!
MONICA: What about the part where he has rabies?
Phoebe: (from outside) Trick or treat! (It�s obviously Halloween eve, the night of her birthday dinner.)
(They all laugh and Joey joins them, not to be left out. When the laughing dies down, he has a depressed look on his face.)
The Old Man: No. I'm all alone.
Ross: Thanks. (Gets up and as he does so, the sound returns. Without another word he heads into her bathroom.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, it's continued from before the commercial break.]
Ross: As a romancer of the elderly.
Chandler: Okay... (returning to the board) ..whose turn is it?
Phoebe: The woman who cuts my hair!
Phoebe: Happy thirtieth birthday! Here! (Hands her the hippity-hop.) Its for the child in you, and the woman. Happy thirtieth!
Barry: What's the matter?
[Scene: Joey's Apartment, the guys are still playing the game only everyone is really into it.]
Chandler: Lie!!! How hard is that?! The checks in the mail! Oh your baby is so cute! I cant wait to read your book Ross!!
Chandler: (laughs) Oh thats great, my friend Joeys in the movie business.
Chandler: Honey I... I love your breasts the way they are!
Carol: (knocking on the door) Ross!
Monica: Oh honey, were close now but you-you wouldnt believe the years of-of nugies, and wedgies, and flying wedgies, and atomic wedgies, and....(Phoebe shakes her head like she doesnt understand) Thats where the waistband actually goes over your head.
Ross: Look, I dont think so Pheebs. (Pause) All right, Ill do it. But just because youre a friend. (Grabs the tickets and heads to divert Whitney.)
Monica: The green dress? Really?
Ross: Ah, the lesser-known "I don't have a dream" speech.
Monica: (faking joy. Rubbing her stomach and smiling at the same time, like Joey said) Mmmm! Its good!
Chandler: Yes, you got something from the Screen Actors Guild.
[Cut to Ross getting of an elevator carrying a bouquet of flowers and walking down the hall to Rachels room.]
Rachel: Okay. Okay. All right, you take care of that. And meanwhile, the party is tomorrow and we still dont have a guest list.
Chandler: No. You decided to go into the out-of-work actor business. Now that wasn't easy, but you did it! And I'd like to believe that when the right woman comes along, you will have the courage and the guts to say "No thanks, I'm married."
Rachel: Wow! I definitely did not see that one backfiring! Im gonna go to the bathroom.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Ross are there. Monica is checking the messages.]
Joey: Yeah, I want my tickets too (takes the bowl from Rachel)! And I'm buying the Knicks! And Steffi Graff, ah ah!
Ross: So, I just finished this fascinating book. By the year 2030, there'll be computers that can carry out the same amount of functions as an actual human brain. So theoretically you could download your thoughts and memories into this computer and-and-and live forever as a machine.
Chandler: Well, you know Phoebs. I don't know if it's your kinda thing, because it involves a lot of being normal. For a large portion of the day.
(Ross enters with a gift for the baby.)
Chandler: (opening the bathroom door and kicking out the chick and duck) Would you give me one minute!! Please.
Chandler: (shrinks back) Right. You know what? Actually I just get off the plane, so I�m feeling kinda gross. Maybe I should just take a shower.
Monica: Ross, could you come and help me with the spaghetti, please?
(Ross gets up and goes over to the counter and Joey follows him.)
Joey: I dont know, but it smells good. (He gets up and heads for the door only to stop short and start laughing.)
(The waitress brings their coffee.)
MONICA: Well, I just caught the live show.
Monica: Now see, this way you protect the plate.. and lets face it you have fun.
Director: Whats the matter with you? Get out of here!