words in movies
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is sitting reading a book and hears the bed in Joey's room creaking, and does a 'Oh no, not again' look on his face.]
Chandler: (going to the bedroom) See Joe, that's why your parents told you not to jump on the bed.
Ross: Where'd you get fruit at four in the morning?
Monica: Went down to the docks. Bet ya didn't know you could get it wholesale.
Joey: No, I gotta wear this thing for a couple weeks. (points to the sling he is wearing)
Rachel: Did you tell the doctor you did it jumping up and down on your bed?
Chandler: Well, I'm sorry Joe. I didn't think the doctor was gonna buy that it just *fell* out of the socket.
Chandler: Because the kids need new shoes.
Monica: I'm going into business people. I'm sick and tired of being depressed about Richard. I needed a plan, a plan to get over my man. What's the opposite of man? Jam. (sees Joey trying some jam from the pot) Oh Joey don't! It's way to hot. (Joey realizes this and spits what he had in his mouth back into the pot.)
[Scene: Street, Phoebe is being followed by some guy, as they pass a flower vendor. Phoebe turns around and the guy quickly picks up some flowers and continues following her.]
Guy: Oh, that's great. I'm stalking the wrong woman. I am such a dingus!
Guy: Wait. You're right. I know you're right. And, thanks for being so nice. Here (gives her the flowers he bought.)
Rachel: Honey, come on, I have to be at work in like ten minutes (Ross starts kissing her neck) Oh, all right, well it's not like I'm employee of the year or anything. (they fall onto the couch)
(Chandler enters and they both jump up and pretend that Ross is showing her something in the couch.)
Ross: Okay, for instance. Let's say, Janice is coming back from a trip and she gives you two options. Option number 1 she'll take a cab home from the airport. Option 2 is you can meet her at baggage claim. Which do you do?
Ross: (buzzes) Wrong! Now you're single. It's actually secret option number three, you meet her at the gate. That way she knows you love her.
Ross: (blows her a kiss) Okay the sleeping thing. Very tricky business, but there is something you can do.
Ross: Noo! No, not cuddlily, not me, just her. I'm like you, I need the room. Okay, come here. (they sit on the couch and Ross puts his hands on Chandler's shoulder and thigh.) Okay, you're in bed...
Ross: I'm gonna use the cushion.
Ross: Okay, you're in bed. She's over on your side, cuddling. Now you wait for her to drift off, and then you hug her (demonstrates on the cushion) and roll her back over to her side of the bed. And then you rollll a-way. Hug for her! Roll for you.
Chandler: Okay, the old hug and roll.
Chandler: You're pretending the pillow's a girl right?
Joey: Remember when you where a kid and your Mom would drop you off at the movies with a jar of jam and a little spoon?
Phoebe: Okay, first I'm not crazy. And second, say it don't spray it. Anyway his name is Malcom, and he wasn't following me, I mean he was, but 'cause he thought I was Ursula, ick. And, that's why, that's why he couldn't just come up and talk to me. 'Cause of the restraining order.
Phoebe: Okay, I asked for the news, not the weather.
Chandler: Hey, Joe, I gotta ask. The girl from the Xerox place buck naked (holds up one hand), or, or a big tub of jam. (holds up the other hand)
Monica: Yeah. The great thing about the jam plan was, I was taking control of my life. So I asked myself, what is the most important thing to me in the world and that's when I came up with the baby plan.
Rachel: Down at the docks again?
Chandler: Night-night.....Janice. (he starts thinking to him self) 'Look at all that room on her side, you good fit a giant penguin over there. That would be weird though. Okay, hug and roll time. I'm huggin', I'm huggin', your rollin', and....yes! Freedom! (his one arm is still under her) Except for this arm! I'm stuck. Stuck arm! Okay, time for the old table cloth trick, one fluid motion. Quick like a cat, quick like a cat! And 1...2...3!' (Pulls his arm out from under her and she is spun off of the bed.)
Malcom: These are my night vision goggles. This is the book I pretend to read when I'm watching her in the park. And these are Mad Lips, they're just for fun.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is eating jam straight out of the jar, and Chandler is staring at him in amazement. Joey offers him some.]
Monica: What?! Why? Why is this crazy? So this isn't the ideal way to something....
Ross: (interrupting her) Oh, it's not the ideal way...
Monica: Lips moving, still talking. I mean it may not be ideal, but I'm so ready. No, I-I-I see the way Ben looks at you. It makes me ache, you know?
Monica: Okay, all right, how's this? 27. Italian-American guy. He's an actor, born in Queens. Wow, big family, seven sisters, and he's the only....boy. (they all turn and look at Joey) Oh my God, under personal comments: 'New York Knicks, rule!'
Joey: Yeah, the Knicks rule!
Joey: Let me see. (goes over and looks at the form) Oh, right.
Ross: How's the maniac?
Ross: You're taking the word of a guy who has night vision goggles?
Chandler: Pheebs, wake up and smell the restraining order.
Rachel: Oh my God, what happened? (points to the cast on Janice's wrist)
Janice: Oh. God, crazy Chandler. He spun me...off...the...bed!
[Scene: Subway station, Phoebe is following Malcom by finding behind the pillars until she comes up to one with a wire mesh garbage can next to it. Malcom stops and starts walking the other way and passes Phoebe, who quick tries to hide behind the garbage can. But, Malcom sees her.]
Phoebe: Oh, I was just here looking for, um, my um, my part of an old sandwich. Oh, here it is! Oh. (picks one up out of the garbage can.)
Malcom: So you spied on me. I can't believe you don't trust me. (Ursula walks past, and Malcom finds behind the pillar)
Phoebe: Yeah, just, okay, look I'm going. Um, come on. Op, op, behind the pillar, which way am I gonna go?
Monica: To the bank.
Joey: He's got the body for it.
Monica: And, and, and they wear those little water wings, you know. And they're, they're running around on the deck. Then Hoyt wraps this big towel around all three of them.
Joey: Oh Monica. (goes over and hugs her, then looks at the form and stops hugging her.) Wow, this guy's an astronaut. That would've been cool, (sees Monica) for like a day. (hugs her again).
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is finishing off the last of the jam]
Joey: I called the sperm bank today, they haven't sold a single unit of Tribianni. Nobody wants my product. I mean, I-I-I don't get it (tries to drink the rest of the jam out of the jar and gets it all over his face, on his chin, nose, etc.) Maybe if they met me in person.
Joey: (wipes a little jam from the corner of his mouth) Did I get it?
Ross: (sees Joey) Hey. (walks into the living room) Uh, Chan, can I uh, can I talk to you for a second?
Ross: Just one uh, one additional relationship thought. Probably something your already familiar with, uh, women talk! (smacks Chandler over the head with a magazine)
The Director: Oh thats great! Okay, well Ive heard everything I need to hear. I just need to uh, Leslie
Joey: Well we have to make room for the fresh ones.
Chandler: It was unbelievable. I-I've never met anyone like her. She's had the most amazing life! She was in the Israeli army...
[Scene: The Hallway, Chandler and Monica are returning from their honeymoon.]
[Scene: Later that evening at the rehearsal dinner. Chandler and Monica are sitting on a sofa. Chandler is covering his face in embarrassment because of the toast.]
Ross: Yes. Yes. Dont worry. Everythings fine. Well uh, well see you tomorrow at the wedding.
Ross: All right, I gotta take off. I'm picking up Ben then we're off to the big audition.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Monica, Rachel, and the guys are watching Days of Our Lives.]
Monica: Maybe because you used to be aloof, or that youre really sarcastic, or that, yknow, you joke around all the time. Or that you take off your clothes and throw them on the couch.
Phoebe: I did it! I took care of the babies all by myself!
(Chandler opens the door, finally.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, Joey is still watching the porn as Chandler enters.]
Stanley: I don't know. A week? Maybe two? The money will turn up! People will always wanna invest in movies! Hey, you're not rich are ya?
Chandler: Wait. Before we go in, I just want you to know I love you. I had a great time on our honeymoon, and I cant wait to go in there and spend the rest of our life together.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment. Monica emerges from the bathroom.]
Joey: Like the three musketeers, only with fruit.
ROSS: Sweetie, it's be gonna okay, all right. It's a wedding, generally people focus on the bride.
Monica: Okay. Heres the thing.
JOEY: The Ice Capades?
Joey: Yeah, shes been out there for twenty minutes, Im surprised you didnt hear her on the way over.
[Scene: The slot machines, we see some guy not having any luck. Both Phoebe and the Lurker are lurking him and each stick their heads around the corner at different times This is all set to that Pink Panther song. Finally the guy gives up and walks past the lurker's position, thus giving her the advantage. She scurries in and quickly drops a coin in the slot before Phoebe gets there. Phoebe arrives slightly later and pulls the arm just after the lurker deposits the coin and wins.]
Rachel: Chick and the duck? Didn't they die...
Phoebe: Ooh, if you take the northern route there's a man in Illinois with a beard of bees. {Okay, I must protest this, I've lived in Illinois all my life and know of no man with a beard of bees! Wisconsin, on the other hand, might be a different story.}
MNCA: [reading the paper] There are no jobs. There are no jobs for me.
Phoebe: Monica, she will kill you. She will kill you like a dog in the street.
Phoebe: ( in a soothing voice) Relax every muscle in your body. Listen to the plinky-plunky music. Okay, now close you eyes, and think of a happy place. Okay, tell me your happy place.
Joey: Hey, when the doctor does that hernia test...
MR. GELLER: Tell you what, maybe one of these weekends you can borrow the car and I cou. . .
Joey: (excited) Thanks dude!!!This is GREAT!! (leaves Rachel very touched on the couch and goes into his room)
(She walks down the aisle with the groomsman. We cut to inside Central Perk, where Phoebe and Chandler are waiting.)
Rachel: (Brings Marcel a teddy bear) Marcel, this is for you. It's, uh, just, y'know, something to, um, do on the plane.
(Monica comes out of the bathroom like a bolt, and Rachel and Joey both enter.)
(Robert walks away and the guys all start laughing in front of Phoebe.)
Phoebe: Um, not so good. He walked me to the subway and said 'We should do this again!'
Ross: Aw, yknow Yknow, maybe were-were just approaching this all wrong. If youre Chandler and-and you wanna hide, where is the last place on Earth people would think youd go?
Joey: Thats not a bad idea. Yeah. Okay, but if I got to turn on the charm tomorrow Im not wasting anymore of it over here with you guys. (Starts to leave, but stops and turns to Phoebe.) Well, actually I got a little bit saved for you Pheebs. (Exits.)
Joey: Because you waited too long to make your move, and now you're in the friend zone.
Kathy: No, youre my first. Put the money on the table.
Monica: Hey. It's him. (On the intercom) Who is it?
Phoebe: That man across the street just kicked that pigeon! (Rachel enters.) Oh!
[Scene: Classroom. Joey is writing his name on the board, but turns around before hes done which causes him to write his name with a downward curve, and he then underlines it, and draws the line right through his name.]
Chandler: Yes, I-I know that you do, but I think one of the reasons people were complaining though, was that they paid to hear the actor sing Old Man River.
(Mrs. Geller leaves as Ross re-enters the room.)
[A montage of scenes from The One Where Ross and Rachel Take A Break follows.]
Joey: Good, good yeah, (Grabs the bags) maybe while were there, they can check your reflexes. (Joey opens the door and it hits Ross in the face with it.) (Makes quote marks.) "Oops."
Chandler: Well, we have a deal, where we each get to pick five celebrities that we can sleep with, and the other one cant get mad.
Janice: Mmm-hmm. Because I know that this isn't the end.
(In the meantime, Rachel has returned with the perfume and sprays a mist out in front of Phoebe who walks through the mist and does a little spin.)
Ross (he buzzes for the nurse) Let's see if we can get that Rachel back here.
Ross: Come here, come here. Uh, (He takes the earring out.) ow! Emily, will you marry me?
Chandler: It was terrible. I fought with (Pause) my colleagues y'know, the entire time. Are you kidding with this? (Throws away another Rollo)
Phoebe: Y'know what? We thought you were different. But I guess it was just the coma.
Chandler: (frustrated) Okay, for the last time. Its not named for each individual man.
Ross: Not that big a deal? It's amazing. Ok, you just reach in there, there's one little maneuver, and bam, a bra right out the sleeve. All right, as far as I'm concerned, there is nothing a guy can do that even comes close. Am I right?
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Chandler is looking at the foosball table.]
The Stripper: You are really good at that. So uh, I had fun tonight, you throw one hell of a party.
Rachel: They wanna know if I'm okay. Okay.. they wanna know if I'm okay, okay, let's see. Well, let's see, the FICA guys took all my money, everyone I know is either getting married, or getting promoted, or getting pregnant, and I'm getting coffee! And it's not even for me! So if that sounds like I'm okay, okay, then you can tell them I'm okay, okay?
Joey: Yeah, because it is slim pickings. I had this date last night: Yuck! But we should probably keep it down; she's still in the bedroom.
Monica: Uh, you left out the stupid part.
(The elevator doors opens, Bob boards the elevator, Chandler walks away, and Mr. Franklin steps out of the elevator.)
Monica: Joey, you had the night!
[Cut to still later, Rachel has now resigned herself to move and is now helping Monica. Phoebe is still on the chair.]
Ross: Oh thank you. Thanks very much. (Leans up against the board and on a thumbtack.) Ow! (He pulls away.)
Chandler: Come on, Ross, you gotta get back in the game here, ok? The Rachel thing's not happening, your ex-wife is a lesbianI don't think we need a third...
(She throws a water balloon at him and hits him on the head and hits him again at the waist with another one.)
Monica: Oh my God! Oh my God that’s awful! What did you think of the house?
Monica: Joey, she was listing the countries shes done it in.
Joey: They gave me the shaft all right.
Joey: What about the chick?
Phoebe: Well, we were um, sorta invited to go skiing, y'know Rachels sisters cabin. (Chandler goes back to the window to smoke again.)
Ross: Uh, so this play umm, what do you think? Its-its gotten great reviews! Yknow the uh
[Scene: Danny's apartment, there's a knock on the door and he answers it.]
Joey: Somehow they got the idea that you only invited them because of me. They feel a little unwanted.
Monica: I just can't believe you're in here. I mean, what am I gonna do without you? Who's gonna crash the embassy parties with me? Who's gonna take me to the Big Apple Circus?
(They fall to the couch and start to make out, but Ross stops suddenly.)
Ross: Well, not really. I mean technically its-its not against the rules or anything, but it is frowned upon. Especially by that professor we ran into last night, Judgey von Holierthanthou.
Monica: Okay thats it. I give up. At mom and dads 40th anniversary, youre the one giving the speech.
Chandler: See that'll stop when you pick up the phone.
RACHEL: Hey Phoebs. Oh hey, how's the dog?
Eric: But, he told me over the phone.
MONICA: You heard the woman. Peel, chop, devil! I can't believe I lost 2 minutes.
[They go into the apartment. Inside the apartment it looks like a sewage dump exploded and landed in her living room. There are clothes and food and junk covering every square inch of space. I mean pigs have nicer pens. Ross is completely shocked.]
[Scene: The New School, Joey and Monica are walking down a hallway.]
Monica: No, no! We should divide them up (picks up the bowl) and I should get extra because we used my card to buy them!
(The phone rings and Monica answers it.)
Chandler: (entering, carrying the chick and duck) Hey! Can you take a duck and a chick to the theatre?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Joey is eating breakfast, Rachel has just gotten up, and Monica is on the phone.]
Erica: Uh-huh! I think it's time to kick you in the nuts and see which is worse!
Monica: I highly doubt that. (they both go to the bathroom)
ROSS: Sometimes I wonder if I did the right thing, ya know, giving him away.
Phoebe: I like waking up with you too. (Looks out the window) Oh! It's such a beautiful morning. (Some birds are singing outside the window) Oh, I can stay here all day.
Monica: Hey, the mans dog just died.
Joey: It's called Shutter Speed, it's really cool! Yeah, umm, I meet this girl in the subway and we fall in love in like a day, right? And then, she disappears But I find out where she lives and when I get there this like old lady answers the door and I say, "Where's Betsy?" Right? And she says, "Betsy's been dead for 10 years."
Chandler: Oh! Thats great, they havent seen the place since I moved in!
Kate: Why the Post?
(Chandler starts to leave ashamed of himself, but Rachel stops him in the hallway.)
Monica:: Hey Rach its me ok I just got the Chandler's room and I caught him molesting himself.
Rachel: Well, cant you tell her that you are not in the mood?
Joey: Yes it is perfectly good, and it is not one of the places the duck got sick!
Ross: (to the girls) Chandler was how old when he first touched a girl’s breast?