words in movies
(Joey and Ross enter. Phoebe and Mike are sitting on the couch, reading a magazine.)
Chandler: That's funny, we were doing the same thing!
Phoebe: It's really crazy! The hall, the dress, the food... I-I had no idea how expensive this stuff was!
Chandler: Yeah it is really pricey. I mean, I freaked when I first heard the numbers.
Ross: There's no way around it Pheebs, you just gonna have to accept the fact that this is gonna cost you a lot of money.
Phoebe: Yeah! Now, how would you feel if we gave all the wedding money to charity and we just got married at City Hall?
Ross: No, no, no. The next time it's gonna be a Hawaii at sunset. [pause] But maybe the time after that!
(Monica is cleaning the table, Chandler is sitting on the sofa. Joey enters.)
Chandler: Our adoption social worker is coming by today so we are cleaning the apartment.
Monica: And it has to go perfectly, because if she doesn't like something about us she can keep us off every adoption list in the state.
Joey: Hey, maybe I should stop by! She could be a soap opera fan! It's very impressive when the little people know a celebrity.
Chandler: (he stands up and he feels very offended) I don't, and I'm offended by the insinuation!
Monica: Ok, so there's not a magazine under the couch, or a pack of cigarettes taped to the back of the toilet tank, or a filthy video in the VCR?
Chandler: I'll admit to the cigarettes and the magazine, but that tape is not mine.
Joey: (going out with the VCR in his hand) Well, I guess we'll never know whose it is!
[Scene: The New York City Children's fund hallway.]
Phoebe: Yes. We're here to make a rather sizeable donation to the children.
Phoebe: Well, I think you're gonna appreciate it the crap out of this one (she gives him a check)
Charity guy: Right. Well, on behalf of the children: thank you both very much.
Phoebe: Oh, look! And we get these free t-shirts! (she takes a t-shirt which was on the counter)
Charity guy: Oh, actually, that's the shirt I wore to the gym.
Ross: There was one! She's it! All the rest look like they should live under a bridge!
Ross: Well, I was thinking of taking Emma to the playground!
Ross: Like I said I was thinking of taking Emma to the museum of knives and fire!
Rachel: Ok, look, Ross. I do not want Emma going to the playground.
Rachel: Yes, I was 4 years old and I was on the swing and then all of a sudden my hair got tangled in the chain. And to get me out my mom had to-had to cut a big chunk of my hair! (crying) And it was uneven for weeks!
Ross: (sarcastic) And you made it through that? I wonder who's gonna play you in the movie!
Ross: Look, I'm sorry to hear about your tragedy, ok? But the swings are perfectly safe, and besides Emma loves them. You know what, you should come with us and you'll see!
Rachel: Ross, those things go like 40 miles an hour! Ok? When you're... and there is that moment when you are at the top, when you just don't know if you're gonna return back to earth!
Ross: Space is filled with orbiting children. (pause) Look, please, just come on, you know, when you’ll see the look on Emma’s face, I swear you won’t regret it.
Rachel: Irrational, huh? All right, well, I’ll remember that the next time you freak out about a spider in your apartment!
Ross: Oh, yeah, that’s the same, I am sure there are thirty different species of poisonous swings!
[Scene: Monica’s apartment. Somebody knocks the door]
Monica: Oh my God, the adoption lady is early!
Chandler: Here we go. Stand up straight. (smiling) Big smile. (opens the door and both are smiling exaggeratedly)
Phoebe: Hello, is this the creepy residence?
Monica: We’re waiting for the adoption lady, but, hey, I’m glad you’re here. I was cleaning this morning and I found this (she puts a box on the table and opens it). I don’t know if you wanna use it, but…
Phoebe: No, no, no, we’re not having a big reception, we took the money we were gonna spend on a wedding and we donate them to the children charity.
Phoebe: We, you know, we’re different! We don’t care about having a huge party. (She picks up the veil) This is really nice for you, but, oh, please, I put this on? (she puts it on) And, ow, I look (she looks her reflex image on a toaster), why, well, radiant. (pause) All right, well, who cares, I don’t need a pretty veil and a fancy dress.
Monica: That’s right. You’re making a commitment and that’s the same, whether you do that at the Plaza or, where are you gonna do it?
Chandler: That’s sweet, honey, but save something for the adoption Lady.
[Scene: The playground. Ross put Emma on the swing and they’re ready to play]
Rachel: Ok. Oh God. (To Ross) Get the camera, it’s in the diaper bag.
Ross: Ok! (he takes the camera and walks backwards to take a shot) See? Scared of swings, I bet you feel pretty silly (a swinging boy knocks him down) Ow!
[Scene: The New York City Children's fund ]
Charity guy: Wow! Are you here to make another donation the same day? I don’t think that that’s ever happened before.
Mike (to the charity guy): Oh my God, I love your shirt!
Phoebe: The donation we made earlier, we k…, we w…, we want it back.
Charity guy: So you’re asking us to refund your donation to the children?
Charity guy: Hey, it’s not my business, (he takes their check from a drawer) besides it’s probably a good thing. We really would have been spoiling the children, all those food, and warm clothing…
[Scene: Monica’s apartment. Somebody knocks the door]
Chandler: Oh, because we love kids. Love ‘em to death.Well, not actually to death, that's just a figure of speech - we love kids the appropriate amount... as allowed by law.
Laura: You know, I... I feel like I've been here before. Are any other couples in the building adopting?
Monica: Is that that couple on the first floor? Because we should get a baby before them. Yeah! That guy tried to sell me drugs. (Laura looks shocked)
Laura: Yeah, we had a really great night and in the morning he promised he would call me and he didn't.
Laura: Well, I'm sorry I brought it up. So, are either one of you planning on staying at home with your child... (someone knocks on the door)
Joey: (form the other side of the door) Hellooo? Anybody in there order a celebrity? (He starts to enter the apartment and Chandler runs to the door and shuts it back in his face) OW!
Chandler: Oh, it's just some crazy guy who roams the halls here. He's great with kids though.
[Scene: Ross and Rachel are at the playground with Emma. Rachel in putting her back in the stroller and Ross is tending to his wound]
Ross: SON OF A BITCH! (turns to his right to see three kids staring at him) (To the kids) Oh relax! I didn't say the 'F' word! (They go away)
Rachel: Ross, see! I told you, those swings are evil! Alright, that is it. That is the last time Emma is getting on one of those things for her entire life.
Ross: No! No, no, no, no, okay, it wasn't the swing's fault. It was my fault and kind of that (point to the kid that kicked him) kids fault. Who is still laughing. Nice.
Ross: No wait, okay, okay, I have an idea. I want you to get on the swing, okay? And you'll see that there's nothing to be afraid of.
[Scene: Chandler and Monica's apartment. Chandler is still leaning against the door, keeping Joey out, who is still banging and shouting on the other side.]
Chandler: Oh, just like I said. That crazy... Bert... roaming the halls. (Joey bangs on the door again)
(cut to Joey on the other side, who finally leaves the door and goes to his apartment)
Phoebe: Yeah, I really do. You know, I had nothing growing up. (thinks for a few seconds) Just like the kids I took the money from.
Mike: Alright, fine. We'll give the money back.
Phoebe: And if that guy at the charity gives us a hard time, my friend hasn't shot anyone in a really long time.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's. They are preparing to show Laura around. Laura is standing with her back to the window, Chandler and Monica are standing on either side of her, facing each other.
Monica: Oh, by the way, you are more than welcome to look under any of the furniture, because, believe me, you won't find any porn or cigarettes under there!
(She starts checking her form. Chandler sees movement near the window from the corner of his eye and when he looks he spots Joey climbing up the fire escape and onto their balcony. He warns Monica silently.)
Monica: (Pulls Laura into the spare room) Why don't I show you the baby's room?
(Joey enters through the side window and jogs towards the kitchen holding a baseball bat)
Chandler: What the hell are you doing?
(Monica talks loudly in the baby's room)
Monica: So that was the baby's room. (They come out and Chandler throws Joey behind the couch and puts his foot on him. Monica looks at Chandler)
Chandler: (escorting Joey to the door) You have to get out of here. You slept with our social worker and you never called her back and she is still pissed, so she can't see you.
(Joey leaves and closes the door behind him. Chandler walks towards the living room, but then Joey enters again.)
(He picks up his bat and holds it up, but then Monica and Laura enter the living room again. When Laura sees Joey, she freezes...)
Chandler: And for the last time, we do not want to be friends with you! And we don't want to buy your bat! (Joey lowers his bat)
Joey: Oh... yeah... Probably you don't even remember my name. It's Joey, by the way. And don't bother telling me yours, because I totally remember it... lady. Yeah! I waited weeks for you to call me.
Joey: No, no, hey, no! Too late for apologies... ok? You broke my heart. You know how many women I had to sleep with to get over you? (and he leaves the apartment, leaving her shocked)
Joey: (acting sad) NO! I waited a long time, I can't wait anymore... (and closes the door behind him)
(Chandler and Monica hug each other, and then Joey enters the apartment again.)
[Scene: The New York City Children's Fund building. Phoebe and Mike are entering.]
Phoebe: (to the Charity guy) We're back!
Mike: No, no, we're here to give the money back.
Phoebe: Yeah, because you know what, it's... it's all about the children.
(the Charity guy smiles wanting to take the check, but Phoebe pulls it back again. His smile fades.)
Phoebe: Although... it's also about the wedding... Ugh, alright... here. (she gives the check and pulls it back again) No... Oh God... Oh!
Mike: (takes the check from Phoebe) Ok, look! Enough! Alright? I'm stepping in. I'm putting my foot down! As your future husband I'm going to make this decision for us. (thinking) Now... what do you think we should do?
Charity guy: On behalf of the Children of New York, I reject your money.
Charity guy: Yeah... And I'm giving it back to you... Come on! Consider it a contribution. (gives the check to Phoebe)
Phoebe: (looks at the amount on the check, and gasps) Well, this is very generous!
Charity guy: Please, take the check, go have a great wedding and a wonderful life together.
[Scene: Chandler and Monica's apartment. They are sitting in their living room when the phone rings.]
Monica: It was Laura... She gave us a great report and we are officially on the waiting list.
(Chandler and Monica hug and after a while the telephone rings again... Monica's eyes get bigger. Chandler answers.)
[Scene: The playground. Ross, Rachel and Emma are still there. Rachel comes walking to Ross and Emma with something between her hands.]
Rachel: Ok... I got a spider. There were two, I picked the bigger one.
Rachel: Ok... (and passes the spider to Ross who holds it in between his hands)
Ross: (Gasps and speaks at a higher pitch) This feels perfectly normal. Ok, get on the swing!
(She slowly grabs the chains of the swing, swings her hair back, and sits down.)
Ross: Well... (realizes, screaming like a little girl, trying to get rid of the spider) Whaa... aaah... aaahhh...
(Ross is now preoccupied with the spider, and forgets that Rachel is still using the swing. While trying to get rid of the spider, he stands in front of Rachel, who bumps into him, throwing him on the ground again.)
(Rachel tries to stop mid-swing, and the swing starts to turn from side to side)
PHOEBE: Ok, I'm in the book.
Joey: Well, I'm starting to make good money on the show and I'm thinking... I should probably do something with it.
Drunken Gambler: It went under the table.
Joey: Hey! I did not cry my eyes out!! Come on! Its like the end of an era! No more J-man and Channies!!
(There's a knock on the door.)
Phoebe: I brought you my old maternity clothes! (Sets a bag on the counter.)
[Suddenly the door opens and Ross's mystery girl enters. I'll give you a hint to who it is: OH .MY .GAWD!! Uh-huh, it's Janice.]
Frank: So gross! (He runs back to the delivery room.)
The Lurker: What?!
Phoebe: You apologize to the tree right now or I am calling for backup. (The woman calls her bluff.) (Screaming at no one in particular) Backup! Backup!!
The Lurker: Also Monday.
Ross: All right, I'm coming out. Hey, can you turn the lights off.
ROSS: [pulls the cigarette off his upper lip and hands it to Mr. Greene] Yeah, yes it is, I was just moistening the tip.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is still working on the seating chart as Joey enters.]
Chandler: Hey, this isnt like swimming after you eat, pick up the phone!!
Ross: It's laundry. The thinking through is minimal.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe and Monica are in pajamas and Monica is making something in the blender as Rachel enters.]
[Scene: Chandler and Monica's room. Chandler is packing when Ross knocks on the door and enters...]
ROSS: What? Let me see. [climbs up in the other adjoining stall]
Rachel: (trying to divert his attention from the window by jumping up and down) HI!! Hi!
[Scene: The smoker's balcony, Rachel, Kim, and Nancy are all puffing away on their cancer sticks.]
(The door opens. Rachel is standing there. Her coat is muddy and torn, her hair is dishevelled and her face is bruised. Everyone turns to look)
Chandler: Thats a great idea! We can easily think of a way for us both to enjoy the room.
Monica: So great! He showed me where the restaurant's going to be. It's this, it's this cute little place on 10th Street. Not too big, not too small. Just right.
[Scene: Kates Apartment, Joey and Kate are returning from a night out on the town.]
(The security guard from before approaches and Phoebe tries to turn her back on him.)
Chandler: Monica! This is the Men's room! (Pause) Isn't it?
(Chandler goes to his bedroom and opens the door. However, only the top half opens, and he trips into his bedroom over the bottom half.)
The Grip: Hey pal, are you Joey Tribbiani?
Charlie: Wait. Are you talking about the Dewar grant?
(Joey wants to know, but Chandler doesnt want to discuss it by the chick, so he and Joey move over to the windows and away from the chick.)
Joey: Hey, best man number two, Joey Tribbiani. Now Im not good with the jokes like Chandler here. Boy...but ahh, I just want to say congratulation to the happy couple. I first met Ross in this coffee house back home...Home...New York City...Where everybody knows my name. Well anyway, I love you guys. (pointing at everyone.) But not as much as I love America. (Looking at Chandler.) Could we please..go home now?
Ross: No, Chandler, you have to find the line between stealing and taking what the hotel owes you. For example: hair drier, no, no, no, but shampoo and conditioners, yes, yes, yes. (pause) Now, the salt shaker is off-limits, but the salt (he opens the salt shaker and pours the salt into his hand) I wish I'd thought this through.
Rachel: Yeah, I know, I know, I know he does. But I have to tell him how I feel! He deserves to have all the information and then he can make an informed decision.
Monica: I make the decisions, and I say no.
Joey: I am so-so-so sorry. I was gonna do it! Really! But I was standing there with 327 dollars in one hand and 238 dollars in the other hand, and I was thinking, "Wow! Its been a long time since I had (tries to do the math in his head, but cant) 327 + 238 dollars!"
[Scene: Phoebe's class, the class has already started and Rachel walks in late.]
Chandler: The only superpower you have is a slightly heightened sense of smell. (Hands him the jacket and walks away.)
Mike: Yeah well, that's the thing. For me it's as far as it can ever go.
(Suddenly the doors burst open, and ROSS AND RACHEL COME OUT ARM-IN-ARM!!!!! And Rachel's carrying a bouquet!!! THEY GOT MARRIED!!!!)
CHANDLER: Oh, I'm fine about my problem now, by the way.
Joey: (getting out) Awww, man! He promised he wouldnt take the chairs!!
Ross: (notices the table) HeyOoh! Whats-whats that, dinner stuff? You making dinner?
Phoebe: Okay, I can do that! Oh, by the way, I love my office.
(They storm out into the street.)
(Monica rolls the dice.)
(Another guy walks by and throws his light cigarette butt in the bucket.)
Chandler: Yeah. (They go pack.) Were doing the right thing, right?
Student: Oh its great, its a role on All My Children, Nick the boxer.
Ross: (feeling the fabric) Wow, this is really soft (he looks the price). Three hundred and fifty dollars?
Lady: Well, we already have one offer on it, and I think the lady upstairs is goning to make another one.
Joey: Oh sure, go with the sissy.
JULIE: You know, in some cultures having a third nipple is actually a sign of virility. You get the best huts and women dance naked around you.
[Scene: The Hallway, Chandler is running up the stairs and towards his apartment, but Joey is taking out the garbage at the same time and stops him in the hall.]
[Starts to walk down the aisle, unfortunately she doesn't realize that her dress is bunched up in her underwear and her butt is showing.]
Ross: Well, Id love to! Here, you wait right here and Ill go get the projector and my notes!
Chandler: Uhh, 9. (He pushes the clock into the sink.)
2nd Customer: It was. The duck in particular was superb.
[The next clip is from The One With The East German Laundry Detergent.]
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler has fallen asleep reading a book. Monica calls from the bedroom and wakes him up.]
(They sit down at the table and Will goes to talk to Rachel.)
Chandler: Look, it really is gonna be okay. The important thing is that we love each other and that were gonna get married.
Monica: (taking Rachels hand) Sweetie okay. Its okay. Everybody made it to the wedding. Im fine.
Monica: Its so good, that I feel really selfish about being the only one whos eating it, that I think we should have everyone taste how good it is. Especially Ross.
Monica: Windows are clean, candels are lit. Uh, belt's to tight, gotta change the belt. Did I turn the fish? (goes over to the kitchen to check on the dinner) No, cause I made lasagne. (to Rachel) Am I out of control?
Ross: (starts to cry) FINE BY ME!! (he opens the door and traps Chandler behind it)
Ross: How's the hair?
Rachel: Ohhh! (Looks in the mirror and sees that she still has her mustache and groans.)
[Scene: The game show studio. Joey and Gene are sitting in the winner circle.]
The Doctor: Actually, giving birth to three babies isnt that different from giving birth to one.
Chandler: I can tell from your expressions that that's the good news you were hoping for... Well, I'm gonna go continue to... spread the joy.(Chandler leaves the apartment. Joey sighs)
[Time lapse, dinner is now finished and Ross is looking out the window.]
Monica: (Panicking) Okay, umm, okay, umm (Rachel opens the door.) It's just Joey and Ross.
Monica: Please ... if I win the lottery, you guys are not gonna leave me. Someone gave me a basket of mini-muffins last week and I couldn't get rid of you for 3 days!
Joey: I got it! (Picks up the map and starts walking.) Here we go.
The Security Guard: (To Phoebe) Was it her quarter?
(He turns to look at Joey who smiles slyly and closes the door leaving them alone.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Monica, and Ross are going over the picture proofs.]
Chandler: Oh, beautiful? Really? Beautiful? You think this is beautiful? (picks up the remote and presses a button, and he immediately makes a face that just looks like hes going to throw up!)
Monica: Ditch you? Phoebe, you were pregnant with the triplets!
Chandler: (spots one) Okay! That's a four! And where-where's the other one?
[Scene: In a TV commercial that the gang is watching at Monica and Rachel's.]
(Chandler walks into the living room, and sees all of Joeys sisters, all wearing red.)
Ross: So uh, any ideas for the bachelor party yet?
[Scene: Phoebes cab, shes driving, Joeys in the back seat, and the hitchhiker is riding up front with Phoebe.]
(Monica passes the Envelopes on to Ross, Joey and Rachel.)
Mr. Heckles: That's not my monkey. Just the dress is mine, you can send that back whenever.
Danny's Sister: (opening the door) Oh, I thought I heard you.
(Monica and Paul walk to the door and talk in a low voice so the others can't hear. The others move Monica's table closer to the door so that they can.)
Monica: When Mom and Dad drove you to the hospital to get your nose fixed, I swam into the lake and fished it out.
(Chandler heads toward the stairs, but makes a turn back to his apartment while looking at the ticket.)
[Cut to the hallway outside the room, Ross is going to see which table hes at and sees a beautiful woman doing the same thing.]
Chandler: Yeah, hes made phone calls, written letters, he even came to New York, but I always said I was too busy to see him. Yknow its all very Cats in the CradleI dont want to get into it. (The show starts.) Here we go.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel and Phoebe are in the kitchen.]
Monica: Okay its time for the toast! Umm now-now, I know that Ross usually gives the toast, but this year Im going to do it.
Ross: Okay, theres this guy, Warren, from the museum and hes going on a dig for like two years and hes got this great place he needs to sublet. So uh, you interested?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier. Joey is talking about the wonder that is the thong.]
Monica: No, they gave us glasses with lipstick on them! I mean, if they didn't change the glasses, who knows what else they didn't change. (He glares at her.) Come on sweetie, I just want this weekend to be perfect, I mean we can change rooms, can't we?
(He goes to the bathroom and Phoebe puts some pepper and salt on her food. With the salt she takes a bit and throws it over her left shoulder as she faces us.)
MONICA: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. You know what, the way you did it was just fine.