words in movies
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Phoebe, Monica, and Rachel are there, discussing the night before.]
PHOE: Ok, all right. We want to hear everything. Monica, get the wine and unplug the phone. Rachel, does this end well or do we need to get tissues?
MNCA: [getting the wine] Do not start without me. Do not start without me.
PHOE: Ok, all right, let's hear about the kiss. Was it like, was it like a soft brush against your lips? Or was it like a, you know, a "I gotta have you now" kind of thing?
MNCA: [reading the paper] There are no jobs. There are no jobs for me.
ROSS: Yeah, it was, but...I get home, ok, and I see Julie's saline solution on my night table. And I'm thinking to myself, oh my god, what the hell am I doing? I mean, here I am, I am with Julie, this incredible, great woman, who I care about and who cares about me, and I'm like, what, am I just gonna throw all that away?
[Ross and Rachel look at each other and then at Phoebe, realizing the song is about their situation.]
PHOE: [singing] There was a girl, we'll call her Betty, and a guy let's call him Neil. Now I can't stress this point too strongly, this story isn't real. Now our Neil must decide, who will be the girl that he casts aside. Will Betty be the one who he loves truly? Or will it be the one who we'll call Ju...Loolie? He must decide, he must decide, even though I made him up, he must decide!
MNCA: So, Mr. Rastatter, what exactly does this job entail? The ad wasn't too clear.
RTST: No, ma'am. Well, anyhoo, we should be getting our F.D.A. approval any day now, hopefully, in time for Thanksgiving. See, the way we look at it, chocolate already dominates most of your major food-preparation holidays: Easter, Christmas, what have you.
RTST: But, we're thinking, given the right marketing, we can make Thanksgiving the Mockolate holiday.
MNCA: Especially the after taste, you know, I'll tell ya, that'll last ya till Christmas.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Ross is up in arms about the Rachel/Julie situation.]
JOEY: Hey, here's a thought, Ross. [reaches for the computer]
CHAN: Don't touch the computer. Don't ever touch the computer.
JOEY: Ok, let's start with the cons, 'cause they're more fun. All right, Rachel first.
MNCA: Ok, this is pumpkin pie with mockolate cookie crumb crust. This is mockolate cranberry cake, and these are mockolate chip cookies. Just like the Indians served.
[Rachel runs to the sink to spit it out.]
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler is on the phone with a computer hotline.]
CHAN: I'm telling you this thing won't print. Yes, I pressed that button like 100 times. You know, for a hot line you are not so hot. What? What is that in the background? Are you watching Star Trek?
ROSS: Yes, it was horrible. She cried. I cried. She threw things, they hit me. Anyway, I did the right thing.
ROSS: No, no, uh, it's not what you think. It's um the other thing.
RACH: Well, what's the other thing, what do I think?
[Chandler closes up the laptop computer screen.]
CHAN: No, no, see? See? [the printer starts to run] Hey, it's printing. [to Joey, rattled] Hey, it's printing!
[Chandler rips off the sheet of paper from the printer.]
ROSS: He won't? [remembers what it is] He won't! Because, isn't that, isn't that the, the short story you were writing?
CHAN: [through gritted teeth] Alright. [clears his throat] "It was summer, and it was hot. Rachel was there. A lonely gray couch. 'Oh, look,' cried Ned, and then the kingdom was his forever. The end."
ROSS: That's it? That's all you wrote? You're the worst writer in the whole world.
RACH: All right, you know what, that's fine. If you guys want to be children about this, that's fine. I do not need to see it. [Rachel grabs the paper and runs across the room, reading it to herself.]
ROSS: Now that's a little spoiled. He was supposed to type "little", the idiot.
ROSS: No, that, that was, I mean, as opposed to uh, the uh, ok. Is this over yet Rach?
[Rachel leaves, and Ross follows her into the hall.]
ROSS: No, no, wait, ok, ok, look at the other side. Look at Julie's column.
RACH: She is not Rachem. What the hell's a Rachem? Is that some stupid paleontology word that I wouldn't know because I'm just a waitress.
[She goes into her apartment and slams the door.]
MNCA: You know, that's true. You'd be a great person to have around the day after an emergency.
PHOE: Yeah, by the way, good luck in your next life as a dung beetle.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Rachel is sitting on the couch, eating candy. It is raining out. Ross climbs up the fire escape and is knocking on the window.]
RACH: [coldly] When somebody does not buzz you in, Ross, that means go away. That doesn't mean please climb up the fire escape.
[Rachel closes the drapes over the window, goes into her bedroom and closes the door.]
ROSS: [reading his list] Ok, ok, number one: The way you cry at game shows. Number two: how much you love your friends. Number three: the way you play with your hair when you're nervous. Number four: how brave you are for starting your life over. Number five: how great you are with Ben.
ROSS: Number six: the way you smell.
JOEY: [opens the drapes] Hey, Ross! What are you doin'?
ROSS: Hey, Joey. You wanna open the window?
[He opens the window, Ross comes in, soaked.]
[Ross runs to Rachel's bedroom, knocking on the door.]
[Rachel opens the door.]
RACH: [near tears] No, you don't, Ross. Imagine the worst things you think about yourself. Now, how would you feel if the one person that you trusted the most in the world not only thinks them too, but actually uses them as reasons not to be with you.
RACH: Oh, well, that's, that's mighty big of you, Ross. [to the others] I said don't go!
ROSS: You know what? You know what? If, things were the other way around, there's nothing you could put on a list that would ever make me not want to be with you.
RACH: Well, then, I guess that's the difference between us. See, I'd never make a list.
[She closes the door in his face. Ross walks sullenly back to the couch and sits down. A moment of silence ensues.]
MNCA: Now, in some of these recipes, the quantities may seem just a little unusual, uh, like these coconut mockolate holiday nut bars. I've indicated four cups of coconut, and four cups of crushed nut, and only, uh, one tablespoon of mockolate.
RTST: Yeah, well, anyhoo, here is your check. [hands it to her] Thank you for all the trouble you went through. Um, listen, you didn't eat a lot of it while you were cooking, did you?
RACH: [to Monica] Is that him again? Tell him I'd come to the phone, but my ankles are weighin' me down.
MNCA: [to Ross] Listen, I... I don't think this is the best time.
MNCA: Sure, what? Ok, ok. [hangs up the phone] [to Rachel] Music?
[Monica turns on the radio.]
RADIO: The next one's dedicated to Rachel from Ross. Rachel, he wants you to know he's deeply sorry for what he did and he hopes you can find it in your heart to forgive him. (With or Without You plays)
[Rachel seems touched. She pauses for a moment, then picks up the phone and starts to dial. Cut to Ross at his apartment.]
MNCA: Oh, not at all. I have no morals and I need the cash.
Ross: Seven years. I mean weve been together seven years, shes the only woman whos ever loved me, and the only woman Ive-Ive ever....
[Scene: The restaurant. Chandler and Monica are sitting at a table]
Ross: Why no, its the opposite of weird. Its-its uh, regular. Its-its uh, its mundane. Its actually uh, a little dull.
Joey: Alright Ross, look. You're feeling a lot of pain right now. You're angry. You're hurting. Can I tell you what the answer is?
Joey: Yeah, three days on the lake without a shower. Plus! I fell in that big tub of worms at the bait stand! Hey, how-hows he doing?
Chandler: Hello? Oh hi, Doctor Connelly. (pause) No, she's not here but, you know, I can tell her. Should I be sitting down for this? (his smile fades as he hears the answer) Oh. (pause) Well, so what does that mean? (pause) Ok. Ok, thank you. Thanks. (hangs up)
MONICA: [grabs the other two bars on Richard's side and scores] Score! Now can we go?
Joey: Id seen this thing on The Discovery Channel...
(They realize the implication of their behavior, stop instantly and head for his bedroom. In the meanwhile, Joey is starring at Rachel in a seductive way.)
Chandler: (to Monica) Look! Look! Look what the... Look what... Look what the floating heads did!
Phoebe: Im sorry, for the last time, why arent you two together again? (Silence from Ross.) No, I know. I know, because youre not in that place. Which would be fine, except you totally are.
CHANDLER: That's what's weird? Joey, the man's been captain of a cereal for the last 40 years.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Ross is entering looking for Joey, but instead he finds Paul and Rachel making out on the couch.]
Mark: Is it okay if I finish the apple juice?
Joey: I cant look at you right now! (Exits and slams the door behind him.)
Housekeeper: The Waltham Residence.
Joey: Oh my God, that's great! I'm smart!! No, no, I'm... (he uses the Thesaurus) "brainy, bright, clever", I love this thing! Look out ladies, Joey Tribbiani's got the whole package!!
The Casting Director: Okay. Let's do it again.
Phoebe: Then yes that is what Im having. (Takes another puff of the cigarette.)
RACHEL: Well, then, you'll just have to eat the other lamps.
Rachel: And if you need anything else, I(notices the handsome Dr. Franzblau)do not believe we've met. Hi. I'm, uh, Rachel Green. I'm Carol's... ex-husband's... sister's roommate.
Monica: Okay, we're gonna start in the kitchen. Plates get put into plate protectors and stacked ten to a box. The silverware gets bundled in rubber bands and then bubble wrapped. Got it?
Chandler: I'd like to propose a toast. Little toast here, ding ding. I know this isn't the kind of Thanksgiving that all of you all planned, but for me, this has been really great, you know, I think because it didn't involve divorce or projectile vomiting. Anyway, I was just thinking, I mean, if you'd gone to Vail, and if you guys'd been with your family, if you didn't have syphilis and stuff, we wouldn't be all together, you know? So I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm very thankful that all of your Thanksgivings sucked.
JOEY: Hey and everbody is so nice. I just had a good talk with that lady with the red hair, Jeannie.
The Conductor: The next station is Poughkeepsie. Poughkeepsie!
Ross: She's having lunch with him. She's having lunch with him. And you should of seen the hug she gave him when she got the job. And, and, and, (to Joey) he's really good looking. (Joey gives an enthusiastic thumbs up) What am I gonna do?
Chandler: Yes it was very sad when the guy stopped drawing the deer!
Mischa: (to Monica) Oh, hes unbelievable. I mean for the first time in three years somebody wants to actually want to talk to me, but do you think he would let me enjoy that, no!! (to Sergei) You silly diplomat, why dont you learn some English, Sergei?
(Joey makes a frustrated face and noise and walks away. He knocks on the next door and it's answered by an old man.)
Joey: Oh. Well, the way I see it, the guy's upset here, y'know? I mean, his wife's dead, his brother's missing... I think his butt would be angry here.
Ross: Pheebs, we had the most incredible night! Okay, so, we're in the car
Fran: Look, youre cold, I have to pee, and... (indicating the sign) ..theres a cup of coffee on the window. How bad could it be?
Emily: And that big bloke with the beard, he has got a trick hip. Yeah. And uh, and David over there, I heard he doesnt wear a cup.
Monica: Alright, we're gonna have to unscrew the chain.
Dr. Green: (on phone) just because youre not in love with the guy you cant
Phoebe: Okay, oh, and Emma needs a cowgirl outfit for the competition.
Joey: Like when I want a job, I go to an audition and if Im the best of the people they see, they give me the part.
Ross: (to Rachel) Uh, how long until they announce the numbers, Mommy?
Monica: Oh, she was a cruel, cranky, old bitch! (Ross gives her a look) (to Ross) And Im sorry she died. Did Dad say I get the dollhouse?
Joey: Yeah. Sorry about that. (He walks away and knocks on the next door which is answered by a little girl.) Oh, hey little girl. Uhh, is-is your mommy, or sister, or babysitter by any chance a hot girl?
Chandler: Oh, that's The Wedding March. Does, does that freak you out?
(She exits and as Chandler picks up his coat, the phone rings and the answering machine gets it.)
Rachel: Did you not get a good enough look the other day?
(Joey runs up field and fakes out Ross and scores a touchdown. His team all celebrates the touchdown.)
Monica: Thank god, it's just you! I thought someone was swinging a bag of cats against the wall.
(she knees him in the crotch. He jumps up a bit)
Rachel: And that was so sweet of you to ask! Oh my God, the three of us are gonna have such a good time living together!
Katie: Ohh, Joey has the nicest friends! (She punches Rachel.)
Monica: Aww, the only reason you want to go out with me because my blond wig, and the big boobs, and the fact that I serve you food.
JOEY: Oh, is today the day you're gonna tell them about you two?
Monica: Yknow what? Youre right, Im sorry. Actually you were a big help tonight. Yeah, and thanks for putting my grandmother in the cab and making sure she got to the hotel safely.
Joey: Well okay, so then youre fine. The rule is when two actors are actually doing it off-stage all the sexual tension between them is gone. Okay? So as long as its hot onstage you got nothing to worry about. Its when the heat goes away, thats when youre in trouble.
Chandler: Thank you! Thank you! (Runs to the snow cone machine.)
Rachel: Ross? Look, whatever this relationship stuff that Emily wants, just give it to her. Come on, the bottom line here is that you love her. So just fix whatever she wants fixed. Just do it. (The phone starts ringing.) I mean, you're gonna have to try. You'll just gonna hate yourself if you don't. (The phone keeps ringing.) Oh come on answer it! It's driving me crazy!
Rachel: Its all gonna be okay. Theyre just so happy that Im not suing them that they gave me one extra month paid maternity leave. So long as I understand that the money should not construed as a down payment on this or any other child I should bear.
Charity guy: On behalf of the Children of New York, I reject your money.
Emily: Liam, do me a favour. Tell the lads to go easy on Ross, its his first time.
[Scene: The Moondance Diner, Pete is talking to Monica about the restaurant.]
Monica: You dont? (Laughs) Well, thats the difference between a professional and a layman.
Phoebe: Ooh, ice! I am so in the mood for ice! (They go and get the coffee and the ice leaving Ross and Emily alone.)
CHANDLER: Oh, you're right I, I should play in the hay. Forget about the fact that I just dropped 400 dollars to replace a bracelet that I hated to begin with. Bring on the hay. [sits down at the bar]
[Scene: Rachel's party, Rachel is on the balcony, Monica goes there also]
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey, Ross, and Monica are still playing catch, with Chandler looking on. Joey throws the ball to Monica who catches it and whips it at Ross.]
Guest #2: (sees the cake) Oh my God! Someone cut Howard's cake! (Ross tries dumping it into a nearby plant.) Who would do a think like that?
Ross: The judge wouldnt let us get an annulment! Now we gotta get a divorce!! Did a Porsch throw up on you? (Walks on.)
Monica: All right! Let's go! (Runs to the door.) Let's go Team Monica! (The guys all stop and stare at her) All right, we can work out the name later.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is getting ready for Chandlers arrival. He enters and finds the place lit with candles and dinner on the table.]
Phoebe: All right. Hold on. (She starts digging in the chair.) I got it. Nickel! (Donates it.) How much more do we need?
(And the crowd goes wild! Well, at least the live studio audience.)
Rachel: Thats the end of this conversation!
Ross: No, no. The vet says unless he's in a place where he has regular access to some... monkey lovin,' he's just gonna get vicious. I've just gotta get him into a zoo.
Lauren: So long, Vic! (waving good bye as the ladder retracts)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica and Phoebe are counting the invitations as Chandler exits from the bathroom.]
(Ross goes into the room where Dr. Green is laying unconscious. He turns on the TV, puts his feet on the bed and starts watching a dinosaur movie where the dinosaur is caught by two cowboys. Dr. Geller awakes.)
[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler and Joey are sitting on the couch. Rachel is working.]
[Scene: Ugly Naked Guy's apartment, Ross, Rachel, and Phoebe are checking out the place. Luckily, Ugly Naked Guy is nowhere to be seen.]
Phoebe: Look, look! (She lifts up the roof, and the front panel falls revealing the interior.)
Gate attendant #2: Miss? Are you boarding the plane?
Phoebe: Oh I do! (She grabs her huge purse and starts rummaging through it and taking out various items in a futile search for the gum.) Oh, yknow what? No. (Pause) Wait a second. (She removes a bag filled with water that has a goldfish swimming in it.) I know its in here somewhere.
Monica: (entering with something behind her back) Phoebe, cmere. I want to show you something in the bathroom.
Rachel: No, he told me. He prefers to leave certain things to the imagination.
(Theres a knock on the door and the Nurse enters carrying Emma.)
Paula: Well, you do realise the odds of that happening are a little slimmer if they never get to meet the guy..
Ross: No! No, you know what? (closes the door) You [can�t get in there] (?), the baby�s fine, now squam (?). Yeah, [I told you a|Tell your] story walking. (?)
Phoebe: Okay, stop! Larry, okay, can't you just be Larry and not Larry the health inspector guy? Y'know I mean it was really exciting at first but now it's like, okay, so where are we gonna eat ever?
Monica: Man, this sucks! Yknow if Mom and Dad dont see us on TV after we made them so jealous, I mean, whos gonna be the losers then?
ROSS: [his beeper goes off] It's the museum again, can I, oh.
JOEY: He-he-eyy. [Shakes his had and passes the dollar]
(The group does the same horrible dance that Joey did earlier in the show, except they're all out of sync and they do the jazz hands at the end.)
Joey: Yeah but its too much stuff. You know like, you got the candles and the foofy schmoofer thing here and over here you got a picture of a watering can.
[Cut to Joey and Phoebe in the kitchen. Phoebe is watching Joey make a sandwich.]
Mr. Treeger:: Cause youre a little princess! "Daddy, buy me a pizza. Daddy, buy me a candy factory. Daddy, make the cast of Cats sing Happy Birthday to me "
Phoebe: Well, I think it's great that the medical community is finally trying to help sick hamsters.
Ross: (answering it) 1987, the day after Christmas, at Sean McMahons party. I played you one of my songs, yknow Interplanetary Courtship Ritual.
Rachel: I don't know, what were the names I just said?
[Cut to Chandler laying in the bathtub. "Only Time," is playing in the background.]
(Rachel comes out of the apartment holding a pot. Joey holds in anticipation and Rachel opens it)
Chandler: I have the lung capacity of a two year old. (starts to light another cigarette.)
Chandler: I'm Chandler. Hey, I was in the scouts too.
Rachel: That's right! 'Cause that would give him the control! So now he's all ooh, coming up with this whole I've got a party thing y'know, trying to get me to hint around for an invitation. Blew up in his face, didn't it?