words in movies
Rachel: Oh Monica that was the best Thanksgiving dinner ever! I think you killed us.
(She starts pushing the power button on the remote, but it's not facing the TV so it doesn't work.)
Joey: Yeah, the other day I was at the bus-stop and this lovely fall breeze came in out of nowhere and blew this chick's skirt right up. Oh! Which reminds me, I'm also thankful for thongs. (Note: Actually, I think every guy is thankful for thongs. That and spandex. J )
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier. Joey is talking about the wonder that is the thong.]
Joey: I mean, it's not so much an underpant as it is a feat of engineering. I mean, it's amazing how much they can do with so little material! And the way they play with your mind! Is it there? Is it not there?
Ross: I'm sorry. It's just that this is the worse Thanksgiving ever.
Chandler: No-no-no! I am the king of bad Thanksgivings. You can't just swoop in here with your bad marriage and take that away from me.
Rachel: Oh, you're not gonna tell the whole story about how your parents got divorced again are you?
Chandler: It's a tradition, like the parade. If the parade decided it was gay, moved out, and abandoned its entire family.
[Scene: The Bing household, Mr. and Mrs. Bing and Young Chandler are eating Thanksgiving dinner as a housekeeper serves them.]
Mrs. Bing: Now Chandler dear, just because your father and I are getting a divorce it doesn't mean we don't love you. It just means he would rather sleep with the house-boy than me.
The Housekeeper: More turkey Mr. Chandler? (And he makes eyes at him.)
Ross: You're right. Yours is worse. You are the king of bad Thanksgivings.
Phoebe: Oh, did the little rich boy have a problem with the butler? Yes, mine's worse!
[Scene: A Union battlefield hospital, Phoebe, in a past life, is tending to a wounded Union soldier. (By the way, for historical perspective, 1862 was the second year of the American Civil War.)]
Past Life Phoebe: More bandages! More bandages! Please, can I get some more bandages in here! This man is dying(She is cut off by an exploding shell just outside the tent. When the smoke clears, she's missing an arm and the blood is pumping out like you'd see in a horror movie. And upon seeing her condition, she says ) Oh no.
Phoebe: Oh no, I know! I know! It's the one where Joey got Monica's turkey stuck on his head!
Joey: Look. (He walks out of the bathroom with his head stuck in a huge turkey.)
Phoebe: (walks him to the kitchen) Easy. Step. How did it get on?
(They hear Monica trying to unlock the door. So Phoebe quickly pushes his head down onto the table to make it look like the turkey is just sitting on a platter and not stuck on Joey's head.)
Monica: Hey, did you get the turkey bastedOh my God! Oh my God! (She sees someone is stuck in the turkey.) Who is that?
(They all start thinking. Joey starts rubbing his chin, of course his chin is currently inside the turkey so he ends up rubbing the turkey. And I didn't do that joke one bit of justice. It's one of those you have to see it to get it jokes.)
Monica: Okay, I got it. Phoebe? All right, you pull. I'm gonna spread the legs as wide as I can. (Joey starts giggling.) Joey? Now is not the time!
(They get into position to pull the turkey off.)
Chandler: Arghhhhhh!! (Joey turns around to taunt him, but Chandler is in the doorway and Joey is facing the kitchen.)
Joey: (turning all the way around, and still not facing Chandler) Yeah, you are! (Starts dancing.) I scared you!
Joey: Hey, I wasn't the only one who looked like an idiot. All right? Remember when Ross tried to say, "Butternut squash?" And it came out, "Squatternut buash?"
Ross: Yeah that's the same.
Phoebe: Oh wait! That can't be the one Rachel's talking about. She didn't even know that happened. So which one was it?
Chandler: Oh, come on Monica, reliving past pain and getting depressed is what Thanksgiving is all about. Y'know, for me anyway. And of course, the Indians.
[Scene: The Geller household, Mr. and Mrs. Geller are getting ready for Thanksgiving dinner. The doorbell rings.]
Monica: I'll get it! (She runs in, and she's her old fat self like The One With The Prom Video. Not only that, she's out of breath after running a short distance. She goes over and opens the door to reveal Rachel with her old nose.) Happy Thanksgiving!
Big Nosed Rachel: Okay, Monica, can you just call it sex?! It really creeps me out when you call it that! Okay, and by the way, while we're at it, a guy's thing is not called his tenderness. Believe me! (Walks into the living room and greets Monica's parents.) Hi!
(He brought home Chandler for Thanksgiving. Chandler is sporting the very popular Flock of Seagulls haircut. Yeah, it's another you have to see it to believe it kinda thing.)
Chandler: Well, as long as the pilgrims didn't eat it, I'm in.
(Rachel wanders into the kitchen where Monica is making Chandler's dinner.)
[Time lapse, dinner has finished and Chandler is sitting on the couch eating some pie. Monica sits down beside him, and he gets pushed up a little by the wave she makes in the couch.]
Fat Monica: Hey Chandler! Did you like the macaroni and cheese?
[Cut to the kitchen, Ross and Chandler are doing the dishes.]
Mrs. Geller: (holding two pies) Monica, why don't you finish off these pies? I don't have any more room left in the fridge.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, back to the present day.]
Chandler: I am so sorry. I really am. I was an idiot back then. I rushed the stage at a Wham concert for crying out loud!
Rachel: Actually, y'know that's not the Thanksgiving I was talking about.
Rachel: No, it wasn't. It was actually the
Phoebe: Oh, no, I have the cutest Christmas story!
[Scene: The Geller household kitchen, Mrs. Geller is cooking and Rachel, post nose job, is helping her.]
Rachel: Oh, yeah, I had too. There was never any parking by the Psychology building.
Mr. Geller: What? Dr. Wilson's an artist! He removed my mole cluster. Wanna see? (He starts to show her as the doorbell rings.)
(She opens the door to reveal Chandler and Ross. Unfortunately, they seem to have their holidays mixed up. They think it's Halloween and they're going as Crockett and Tubbs from that legendary TV show of the late 80's, Miami Vice. God, we looked silly back then!)
Mrs. Geller: She's upstairs. Monica! Come down! Everyone's here! Ross, Rachel, and the boy who hates Thanksgiving.
Monica: What-what's the matter? Is there, is there something on my dress? (She turns around making sure he gets a good look.)
Ross: Oh mom! Okay, umm, her name is Carol. And she's really pretty. And smart. And uh, she's-she's on the lacrosse team and the golf team. Can you believe it? She plays for both teams!
(She heads for the kitchen and Chandler watches her leave and admires the view.)
(In the kitchen.)
Monica: And when he's naked I can throw him out in the front yard and lock the door and all the neighbors will just humiliate him!
Rachel: Yeah? Okay! Good, good, because he's coming. He's coming. (To Chandler) Hey, what's up? (She leaves and closes the door behind her.)
Monica: Umm, I'd love too! (She goes over and picks up the box and decides to follow Rachel's advice and holds the box up to her cheek.) Ooh, I love macaroni and cheese. I love-I love the way this box feels against my cheek.
Monica: Boy, I love carrots! Oh! (She picks up a bunch of them and holds them between her fingers.) Sometimes I like to put them between my fingers like this and-and hold them down here while I talk to you. (She is rubbing her hip with the carrots.) Umm, and-and-and y'know if I get really hot umm, I-I like to pick up this knife (She picks up a knife without putting the box down. She's holding the box between her cheek and shoulder) and-and umm, I-I put the cold steal against umm, (Pause) my body. (She doesn't have any exposed skin within reach of the knife, so while holding the carrots in one hand and the box between her face and shoulder, she rubs the knife on her stomach.)
Monica: Oh yeah, of course. I'm fine it's just that(She drops the box and in a reflex action tries to catch it with her arm, the knife slips out and slowly flips through the air and comes point first down into Chandler's shoe.)
[Scene: The hospital, Chandler has been rushed to the emergency room.]
The Doctor: What do we got here?
The Paramedic: Twenty year old has got a severed toe on his right foot.
(They go through the doors into the trauma room, opening them by ramming the gurney through them, only Chandler's foot is hanging off the end and he screams in pain.)
The Doctor: It says here that the knife went right through your shoe.
The Doctor: Did you bring the toe?
Monica: Oh yes! I have it right here, on ice! (She takes a bag of ice out of her purse and hands it to the doctor.)
The Doctor: (opening it) Don't worry son, we'll just attach it and(Stops suddenly.)
The Doctor: You brought a carrot.
The Doctor: This isn't your toe, this is a small, very cold piece of carrot.
The Doctor: It's too late, all we can do now is sow up the wound.
Monica: Wait, no-no-no, I can go really fast! Dad, give me the keys to your Porsche!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler is reacting to the story.]
Chandler: Yeah, well, I miss the tip! It's the best part. It has the nail. (He storms out.)
[Cut to the hallway, Chandler is standing in front of his door.]
Chandler: Yeah, well, sorry doesnt bring back the little piggy that cried all the way home! I hate this stupid day! And everything about it! I'll see you later.
[Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, Chandler is sitting on one of the chairs and the duck is running around him and quacking.]
Chandler: Oh-oh, I'm a duck! I go, "Quack, quack!" Im happy all the time!
(There's a knock on the door and Chandler gets up to answer it. He opens the door to reveal Monica with a turkey over her head.)
Monica: Wait, wait, wait! (She puts a Shriner's hat on the turkey.)
Monica: Look! (She puts a big, yellow pair of sunglasses on the bird.)
(Joey walks in and sees Monica. He freaks out and runs back into the hallway, screaming.)
[Scene: The Western front during World War I, Phoebe, in yet another past life, is once again a nurse tending to yet another dying soldier. But this time she's doing it with a French accent.]
French Phoebe: Gauze! Gauze! I need to get some gauze in here! Can I please get some gauze in here! (A shell explodes outside next to the tent and when the smoke clears, Phoebe still has her arm.) Whew! (Her arm falls off and starts pumping out blood.) This is getting ridiculous uh!
Joey: Thats okay. Chandlers the one Im mad at.
Monica: Great. So the ball is in his court?
Chandler: Yes, and we all know how cruel a parent can be about the flatness of a child's pillow.
Rachel: You are right there with Emily. And its yknow, its kinda like . its a tie! Well, I gotta get, I gotta get back to the dishes.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the gang, except Joey, is there. Phoebe is, well you y'know.]
(Monica is standing by the crib, and she's looking at her babies.)
Chandler: Gee if only she were one and had no idea what the hell a birthday was!
(They start to kiss, and Ross rushes into the office to break it up.)
Rachel: Ohh-ho-hooohhh. The hair comes out, and the gloves come on.
(Dan turns on the TV and the Happy Days theme song comes on.)
Rachel: Im funny? Oh thank God! Well hey, Ive got a ton of these! Umm, oh hearDo you want a good one? Heres a good one. Umm, you uh, you take a quarter, take a quarter and, and you blacken the edge. Right? (Does so.) And then you say to person, I bet you cant roll this quarter from your forehead to your chin without it leaving your face. And then when they do it, theyre left with a big black pencil line right down the center of their face.
Rachel: (Looking through her purse.) Okay, you know what? I dont have it, but I can tell you exactly where it is on my night stand, and...okay. But you know what? I have my drivers license and I have a twenty. (She slides it across the counter.)
Estelle: (Looks confused) Let me start over. I just got a call about an audition. I think you can still make it. It's down at the Astor Theatre and you need to have a monologue prepared.
Ross: Okay here, have one of these peppers. Oh ha Oh God! So so hot! (Rubs his eyes.) Oh my(Laughs.) By the way, you dont want to touch the pepper and then touch your eye.
[Scene: The casting directors office, Joey is there to show off to the director, so to speak.]
Ross: Well, I kinda half to. I mean, because the thing is
(There is a knock on the door, Phoebe answers it, its Mr. Heckles)
Pete: Look, the only who stands to get hurt is me. And Im okay with that.
[Cut to the hallway, Janine is entering as Monica is taking out the garbage.]
Ross: (in the same low voice) Answer better, answer better!
Joey: (to Chandler) Hey, that is so great about the job.
Monica: (closing the door) Its unbelievable! I-I cant believe that sign didnt work!
Chandler: The floating heads do make a good point.
Monica: Okay, come here! (Phoebe joins them in the hug.)
Ross: Chandler!!! Chandler!!! (He opens the door to the apartment but is stopped by the chain; Chandler and Monica quickly stop making out and try to get dressed.) Chandler, I saw what you were doing through the window! Chandler, I saw what you were doing to my sister! Now get out here!
[Scene: Central Perk. Monica, Phoebe and Rachel are on the couch.]
(Hits the ball towards Chandler who returns it back to him. He then hits the ball at Monica who slams it and it bounces off Kara's leg.)
Monica: Hes retiling my floor. (they both run to the bathroom)
Joey: I'm always on the swings! What am I doing wrong?!
Ross: Nothing, nothing. Lee-lo, the laundry's done.
Phoebe: No, youre too late!!! She already took out the trash!!!
Chandler: Great! Okay, here. (Holds the ring up for him.)
Phoebe, Ross, Chandler, and Joey: Push her down the stairs! Push her down the stairs! Push her down the stairs!
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Joey is on the phone and Phoebe is watching him.]
Rachel: Ohh, gosh. You guys, come on, this isI have to meet Joshua! This is my one chance for him to see the fun Rachel. Yknow the "Wouldnt it be great if she was my wife" Rachel. Ohh, all right! Are Joey and Chandler back?
(The chain breaks loose from the wall, and because Joey was pushing with all his might, he propells into the kitchen, towards the table with all the food. This table has wheels underneath it, and when Joey falls on this table, he rides into the living room, with all the food falling off, until finally Joey also falls off... Joey gets up quickly, a bit agitated, and acting as nothing happened. He is covered in food stains.)
Joey: (To Monica) Hey, so what is the big surprise?
Ross: Hey Pheebs, you know I'm i'm really glad you came to talk to me the other day and I hope I was a little helpful.
Ross: I told her I'd have to think about it. I mean, how the hell am I supposed to make this kind of a decision? (They're all quiet.) I'm actually asking you!
[Scene: Ross's Apartment, theres a knock on the door and he opens it to Mona.]
Phoebe: Oh, yeah, thats the word I use when I cant remember the real thing.
Joey: Oh, ooh the food smells great, Mon!
Monica: Its coming from the living room.
(He walks up onto the altar and notices the rabbi.)
(Monica goes over and grabs the pesto.)
Monica: (in the kitchen with Chandler) Look at them, they're-they're panicked!
Rachel: Hi. What are you doing here? Isn't this against the rules?
Ross: Heres your girlfriends button. (Holding the button.)
Gary: Listen Chandler, the way I see it is that I was lucky enough to find someone that I really love. I justI wanna be around her as much as I can.
[Ross comes out of Rachel's bedroom in her bathrobe and heads for the bathroom. On his way back, Richard comes out of Monica's bedroom in her bathrobe.]
Phoebe: Oh, see, Jack did love the cow.
Phoebe: (entering with Rachel) and I-I can't take it! Y'know? I'm just, always afraid one of them is gonna catch me with the other one. It's making me crazy.
Joey: Yes we do! Now look, that was the best nap I ever had!!
Chandler: Well the vet seems to think thats shes becoming a rooster. (The rooster crows.) Were getting a second opinion.
(Monica Enters. Chandler is in the kitchen with his laptop)
Ross: I want to go to the bathroom. (exits)
Rachel: Well, y'know, the reason I didn't wanna go running with you is because um, well y'know the way that you run is a little...(Starts flapping her arms)
Ross: Whats that on the bottom?
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is standing at the counter as Monica enters carrying a tray.]
Phoebe: Okay. (The car moves a few feet and sputters to a stop.) Oh, no!
Ross: Oh, it's not so bad. Monica's gonna make potpourri! I think I'm gonna go wander out in the rain for a while.
Spokeswoman: And the man who made all this possible... Mr. Peter Becker.
Chandler: It's okay. Go take the test and see if we're okay.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler and Monica are standing in the kitchen.]
Ross: No! No! Oh my God. Did she get off the plane? Did she get off the plane?
Rachel: (on phone) Hello, Mark? Hi, its Rachel Green. (listens) Oh no, dont you apologize. (listens) Yeah, Ill hold. (to Monica and Ross) He left my number at work, but he was helping his niece with her report on the pioneers.
MONICA: All right, get your coat, we're going to the hospital.
The Teacher: Oh, their number is on the contact sheet.
Chandler: Forget it! Okay, Im not giving up the apartment.
Ross: Listen man, uh, I'm sorry the audition didn't go so well.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey and Chandler are getting ready for the flight to London and Monica comes running in.]
(Rachel kisses him, and goes upstairs. After shes gone, Ross frantically tries to find and read the Does it? part.)
Phoebe: Oh... then I overpaid. (she goes to the bathroom)
Chandler: Fine, I'll give the suit back.
Chandler: (jumps back and points at the cigarette) Oh my God!
Rachel: (stopping him) Wh-whoa! All right, okay-okay, I see, I see what's going on here! Now listen, look-look, I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong impression, but I am not some hussy who will just sleep around to get ahead! Now even though I (He tries to interrupt and tell her about the ink), hey-hey-hey, even though I kissed you, that does not give you the right to demand sex from me. I do not want, this job that bad. Good day, sir. (She storms out of his office.)
Ross: Yes! No-no! I know, I know what the list is! Mom! Look if you see Chandler, could you just let him know Im looking for him?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's. Phoebe is reading the paper and Joey enters.]
Ross: Well, I added the 'exactly like me' part... But she said she's looking for someone, and someone is gonna be there tonight.
Monica: Yeah. I guess. (She puts more money in the bucket.)
Phoebe: Well, it helps the bee look tough in front of his bee friends. The bee is happy and I am definitely not.
[Scene: The Airport, Carol and Ross are waiting for Emily and Susan to deplane. A gorgeous woman walks by and they both turn to watch her go.]
Joey: Know what was great? The way his smile was kinda crooked.
Ross: Okay, Ill be up in, (looks at the letter) 18 pages. Front and back. Very exciting.
Monica: I love the "I forgot the present" fake out!
Rachel: And now, y'know, I'm like... I'm like the other woman! I feel so..
Tour Guide: Thats just the way it is.
Ursula: Um, yeah, I'm just... (waving dismissively at the concept) ..working.
Rachel: (Joey walks to the door) Although...
Phoebe: Oh, wait, she's walking across the floor.. she's walking.. she's walking.. she's going for the pizza- (Yelling) Hey, that's not for you, bitch! (Phoebe covers her mouth with her hand walks away from the window.)
Rachel: Yes it is! I saw you guys going at it behind the card catalog!
Phoebe: Hey! Ooh, how was your first day working at the restaurant?
[Scene: A restaurant, Joey and Rachel are still hugging as a waiter walks by the table to talk to the annoying waiter from before who is watching.]
Phoebe: Good. (Phoebe and Mrs. Burkart go into the other room, leaving Monica with everyone staring at her.)
Monica: (takes the phone from Ross) Come on. (Answering phone) Hello? (Listens) Im sorry you have the wrong number. (Listens) (Whispering) Okay, Ill call you later dad. I love you. (Hangs up.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, (And thats the last time for that line, no more Chandler and Joeys or Monica and Rachels, ever!) Joey and Ross are carrying the last table of Rachels. Rachel follows slowly, but is stopped by Monica.]
Chandler: Maybe, she doesnt hit him all the time.
Joey: (To Phoebe) Hey, is uh the rest of my candy bar around here?
Mona: Ross, we we have to be strong. Okay, I-Im gonna go. (She picks up the shirt Ross has just set down.) Can I? To remember you?
Dr. Harad: Okay, you're at ten centimeters. Time to start having some babies. All right, I want only the father in here please.