words in movies
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica, Rachel, Ross, and Phoebe are there. Phoebe is looking out the window.]
PHOEBE: Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. Ugly Naked Guy is decorating his tree. Oh my God, you should see the size of his Christmas Balls.
JOEY: Hey, how much did you guys tip the super this year?
RACHEL: Uhh, the mailman, the super.
[There's a bang at the door.]
MONICA: Oh, and the newspaper delivery guy.
[Joey opens the door and picks up the remnants of the newspaper.
[Joey shows them the torn-up newspaper.]
RACHEL: Ooh, goooosh, ooh, these are cookies smashed in the sports section.
[Scene: Central Perk. Monica, Chandler, and Joey are seated at couches. Rachel is working behind the counter.]
JOEY: I can't believe it's Christmas already. Ya know, I mean, one day your eatin' turkey, the next thing ya know, your lords are a-leapin' and you geese are a-layin'.
ROSS: Hey Rach. I, uh, got you a little present. [Rachel is not impressed]. . I'll open it. It's a Slinky! Remember, huh. [sings] Walks down stairs, alone or in pairs, everyone knows it's. . . just a big spring. Alright, you still mad at me becuase of the whole. . .
ROSS: How 'bout from now on we just call it the 'unfortunate incident'? [Rachel walks off] Hey Gunther, you got stairs in your place?
ROSS: Here, go nuts. [gives him the Slinky and goes and sits with others at the couches]
CHANDLER: What's in the bag?
[Ross holds up the blouse. It is extremely tacky, with sewn-on medals hanging off of it.]
MONICA: Look at these authentic fake medals. I tell ya, mom's gonna be voted best dressed at the make-believe military academy.
CHANDLER: Nah, Phoebs, that's the guy that comes in the frame.
PHOEBE: No, that's my stepdad. My real dad's the one that ran out on us before I was born.
MONICA: Honey, uh, this is a picture of the frame guy posing in front of a bright blue screen with a collie.
[Scene: Phoebe's grandmother's place. Phoebe's grandmother is sitting at the table, reading the obituaries, and crossing out names in the phonebook.]
GRANDMOTHER: Oh, just updating the phonebook.
PHOEBE: Um, gram, um, can I see the pictures of my dad again?
GRANDMOTHER: Oh, sure, yeah. [gets a box with the pictures] This is the one of you father in a meadow, and, uh, helping a little boy fly a kite, and here he is at a graduation. . . another graduation. . . another graduation.
PHOEBE: Ya know, in all the years that we have been grandmother and granddaughter, you have never lied to me.
PHOEBE: OK, that makes no sense. Why would the villagers worship a pharmacist?
GRANDMOTHER: Anyway, that's all I know. That, and this. [pulls apart a frame and pulls a picture out] This is the real him.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Rachel, Chandler, and Joey are decorating the Christmas tree.]
CHANDLER: Ya know I remember my father, all dressed up in the red suit, the big black boots, and the patent leather belt, sneakin around downstairs. He didn't want anybody to see him but he'd be drunk so he'd stumble, crash into something and wake everybody up.
MONICA: Just some stuff for the party.
RACHEL: Oh, by the way Mon, I don't think the mailman liked your cookies. Here are the ornaments your mom sent. [hands her a smashed box]
MONICA: Well, maybe the mailman liked the cookies, we just didn't give him enough.
ROSS: Hey, Rach, you know what? I think, I think I know what'll make you feel better. How 'bout you make a list about me. RACHEL: Wha... forget it Ross, no, I am not gonna stand here and make a list of. . . ROSS: C'mon Rachel. RACHEL: OK, you're whiney, you are, you're obsessive, you are insecure, you're, you're gutless, you know, you don't ever, you don't just sort of seize the day, you know. You like me for what, a year, you didn't do anything about it. And, uh, oh, you wear too much of that gel in your hair. ROSS: See there, you uhh, alright, ya, you did what I said. RACHEL: Yeah, and you know what? You're right, I do feel better, thank you Ross. [she walks off and Ross puts his hand to his hair] [Scene: Back at Phoebe's. She is on the phone] PHOEBE: Yeah, um, in Albany, can I have the number of Frank Buffay. . . OK, um, in Ithica. . . alright, um, Saratoga. . . Oneonta. Alright, you know what, you shouldn't call youself information. [hangs up] [Phoebe's grandmother enters] GRANDMOTHER: Hey. PHOEBE: Hello grandma, if that is in fact your real name. GRANDMOTHER: C'mon now Phoe, don't still be mad at me. How's it going? PHOEBE: Well, not so good. Upstate's pretty big, he's pretty small, you do the math. GRANDMOTHER: Well, I think you're better off without him. Oh honey, I know he's your daddy but, but to me he's still the irresponsible creep who knocked up your mom and stole her Gremlin. PHOEBE: No I just, just wanted to know who he was, ya know. GRANDMOTHER: I know. OK, I wasn't completely honest with you when I told you that, uh, I didn't know exactly where he lived. PHOEBE: Whattaya mean? GRANDMOTHER: He lives at 74 Laurel Drive in Middletown. If you hit the Dairy Queen, you've gone too far. You can take my cab. PHOEBE: Wow. Thank you. GRANDMOTHER: Now, remember, nobody else drives that cab. PHOEBE: Uh-huh, got it. Ooh, I'm gonna see my dad. Wish me luck, Grandpa! [blows a kiss to a picture of Einstein]
[Scene: Chandler is standing on a street corner waiting for Phoebe in the cab. Joey walks up.]
JOEY: Phoebe here with the cab yet?
CHANDLER: Yeah, she, she brought the invisible cab. . . hop in.
JOEY: Well she better get here soon, the outlet stores close at 7.
[Phoebe drives up in the cab]
[Phoebe runs over the curb. Joey gets in the back seat, Chandler in the front]
PHOEBE: Oh, no no, that side doesn't have one, the paramedics had to cut through it. [Chandler jumps out of the car]
CHANDLER: [Chandler gets in the back seat] Hey!
JOEY: Hey. [Phoebe takes off, Joey and Chandler are thrown back in the seat]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica is preparing for the party with Ross questioning her.]
MONICA: For the sixteenth time, no... I do not think you're obsessive.
MONICA: Rach, get the heat. [Rachel holds up her hand with wet fingernail polish] Ross, could you turn the heat down please?
ROSS: Sure. By the way, there's a difference between being obsessive and. . .
MONICA: Ross, the heat!
ROSS: Fine, OK! Heat, heat, heat, and I'm the obsessive one. [goes to the radiator and starts turning the knob] OK, this way is on, so this is. . . [breaks off the knob] off.
RACHEL: Did you just break the radiator?
ROSS: No, no, I was turnin' the knob and, and. . . here it is.
RACHEL: I'll call the super.
RACHEL: [on phone] Hi, Mr. Treeger. Hi, it's Rachel Green from upstairs. Yes, somebody, uh, broke our knob on the radiator and it's really hot in here. Yes, it's, it's hot enough to bake cookies. Well, do you think we could have a new one by 6? Wha t, no, no, Tuesday, we can't wait until Tuesday, we're having a party tonight.
ROSS: OK, tip the man.
[Scene: Outside Phoebe's dad's house. The cab pulls up.]
PHOEBE: Ooh, this is it, 74. [screeches to a halt, Joey and Chandler are thrown into the plexiglass wall in the cab]
PHOEBE: Wow, this is it, I'm gonna meet my dad. This is like the biggest thing ever, huh.
PHOEBE: OK, here I go. . . here I go. . . I'm goin'. [she just sits in the cab]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. They are having their party. All the guests are stripped down because of the heat.]
RACHEL: [answers door] Hi, welcome to our tropical Christmas party. You can put your coats and sweaters and pants and shirts in the bedroom.
ROSS: [sitting at table talking to a girl] It's hard to tell because I'm sweating, but I use exactly what the gel bottle says, an amount about the size of a pea. How, how can that be too much?
MONICA: Really? I'm perfectly comfortable. [one of the guest opens the refrigerator] Hey, hey, hey, get in line buddy, I was next. [she opens the refrigerator and leans into it]
RACHEL: [answering the door] Mr. Treeger.
[Ross is speaking to Monica and Rachel about tipping the super.]
ROSS: Alright, alright, here's the chance. Monica give him cash, Rachel give him your earrings. Something, now, anything. MONICA: No, I will not cave. RACHEL: Yeah, I'm with Mon. ROSS: Alright, alright, you know how you say I never seize the day? Well, alright, even though he's your super, I'm seizing. [approaches Mr. Treeger] Mr. Treeger, here is 50 bucks, merry Christmas. [Gives him the cash.]
MR. TREEGER: No can do, like I told the girl, I can't get a new knob until Thursday.
ROSS: Excuse me, I'm seizing. Mr. Treeger, here's another 50, happy Hanukkah. Will uh, will this help with the knob getting?
MR. TREEGER: No, the place is not open 'till Tuesday. Am I not saying it right.
[Scene: Outside Phoebe's dad's house. Phoebe is running back to the cab.]
PHOEBE: Yeah, maybe, yeah. You know, and, and I'll knock on the door and, and he'll hug me and I'll have a dad. Ya know and I'll, I'll go to his pharmacy and everyone will be really nice to me 'cause, you know, I'm Franks daughter.
PHOEBE: Well, 'cause, I mean, what if, what if he's not this great dad guy? I mean, what if, what if he's just still the dirtbag who ran out on my mom and us? You know what? I've already lost a fake dad this week and I don't think I'm ready to lose a real one.
CHANDLER: Yeah, and someday when you're ready, you'll make it past the hedges.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Ross, Monica, and Rachel are sitting around after the party. Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe enter.]
JOEY: Really, hey, you mind if I turn the heat down?
JOEY: Hey, Monica, the knob was broken so I just turned it off from underneath, I hope that's alright.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Phoebe is telling Chandler and Monica how she fought crime in her own way with the badge she found.]
(They start the routine. However hard I try, I really cannot describe it. You will have to watch it. Im sorry.)
Chandler: Well, you could also give back the money you owe me.
Phoebe: Well you all know that I'm a pacifist so I'm not interested in war in any way. (Gets up) But y'know what? When the revolution comes, I will have to destroy you all. (Starts to leave.) (To Joey) Not you Joey.
[Scene: Ross's apartment, Die Hard has ended, only I dont think Joey and Ross know that yet. As you see, they are both asleep. And theyre on the same couch. Which means theyre sleeping together. Not like Joey is at one end and Ross is on the other, they both happen to be lying down and sleeping together. Well, there hasnt been any clothes removed so not that kind of sleeping together. Not that theres anything wrong with that. That is unless youre a Republican in which that kind of thing will bring about the downfall of Western society, especially if they should happen to want to get married. Anyway, let me recap. No, there is too much, let me sum up. Ross and Joey are taking a nap together on top of each other and both wake-up at the same time, realize what they just did, scream, and jump up.]
Phoebe: Thats like the pervert motto! Yeah! Yeah! They have you raise your right hand, put your left hand down your pants, and repeat that!
Phoebe: No problem! Next week: stealing... (Chandler walks away to store the box of broken china.)
Ross: I know where Joey would be. He would be down in the foxhole protecting all of us.
Chandler: Umm, so this Aunt Marilyn is-is-is-is she coming to the wedding?
Ross: Like I said I was thinking of taking Emma to the museum of knives and fire!
Rachel: Oh hey-hey wait! How do we fairly decide who gets the phone?
Ross: No, no, really. You should go. Just go! Go! Go out! Really, the world is your oyster. Kick up the heels. Paint the town red. (Slang right?)
[Scene: The Waiting Room, the rest of the gang is lounging around.]
(The others all get up and go to the window.)
Mr. Waltham: (Shaking everyone's hand.) Hello. Hello. How do you do? How do you do? Very nice to meet you. (Looking over at his wife.) Darling its the Gellers. (She pays no attention shes talking on a cellular phone.) (Louder) Darling, its the Gellers. (Shes still not responding.) Shes very self-absorbed, you know. I should never have married her.
Ross: Well, we just wanted to say a quick hi, and then we're gonna go see the baby.
Chandler: And Im blah? Listen, the only thing more boring than watching modern dance is having to listen to you talk about it, (Imitating her) "Oh Chandler, I just lost myself in the moment."
Ross: Gunther! Gunther. Gunther, please tell me you didnt say anything to Rachel about me and the girl from the Xerox place.
Joey: Yeah, then-then who's the guy that painted the faces on the mountain? (Chandler gives him a look like 'You stupid idiot!')
Ross: Well, Emily's willing to work on the relationship.
Mr. Franklin: But we really do need to find someone up here. The work is starting to pile up. Ive got a stack of documents on my desk this high. (Holds his hand at shoulder level.)
MONICA: I know, how can you not be accross the hall anymore.
Lydia: I wasn't by myself. I had a doctor, a nurse, and a helper guy. (Joey smiles) So, did you see who won the game?
(We can hear the dog whining at a high pitch.)
Phoebe: Yeah, but then Jacques Cousteau came and he kicked his ass for betraying me! It was soo cool! Then, he took me diving and he introduced me to his pet seahorse, who, by the way, was totally coming on to me, and please, that is not gonna happen.
(Joey gets up and heads for the door. After a pause Ross decides to join him.)
Rachel: Come on! We will be there for you the whole time! Just remember gal pal Rachel Green. (Excited) Ha-ha! Im gonna be in Soap Opera Digest! And not just in the dumb crossword puzzle. (Looks at Joey.) Seriously, proud of you.
Chandler: You cant tell, but Im trying to break the tension by mooning you guys!
PHOEBE: Uh oh, ooh, are we not getting along with the new boy?
Cop: (following her) Hey by the way, I'm sure Sipowicz is gonna be all right. I heard that kid from Silver Spoons is really good. (Phoebe's stunned) And where did you find my badge?
Joey: (getting out) Awww, man! He promised he wouldnt take the chairs!!
Chandler: Well uh, Archie needs money to fix his jalopy (Joey laughs), uh but he doesnt want Reggie to just give him the money. So Reggie hires him as his assistas his butler. And then makes him do all these crazy things like bring him milkshakes that cant have lumps in them.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is closing the door on the tarantula cage.]
Monica: Level 1 alert. I repeat, level 1. This is not a drill. Okay we've got a situation. The minister just called. He's snowed in. He can't make it.
Joey: your right! I love my life! (He gets up to go and speak to the girl and he turns back and sits down) I actually did sleep with her.
Chandler: Oh, that's ok.I'll just try and reschedule. (on the phone) "Hi, this is Chandler Bing. I made a reservation there and I need to change it (pause) Oh, what do you mean it's not refundable? Can I just come some other time? (pause) Oh, can't you make an exception?"
Ross: Its like that everywhere, Joey! Okay, Mon, back me up here. Where you work the uh, waiters eat with the waiters, right? And the chefs eat with the other chefs, right?
(Ross hesitates then leans down trying to get her to kiss his cheek, but she moves his head around and kisses him on the lips again.)
[Scene: The airport, Ross is about to walk off of the plane with Julie.]
Frank: Ah, oh, the ah, vandalism.
Rachel: (worried) Be-cause Ross is the father of my child! You know... and I... want him to hook up with lots of women! (pause) I just... All I'm saying is... I don't think that Joey and Charlie have anything in common.
[Joey opens the door and sees Erica (Brooke Shields). Joey gets a huge smile and Chandler squeezed the dish soap in the air.]
Phoebe: Oh yeah, okay. I'm uptight. Yeah, that's why I don't want to watch a middle aged guy dance around in what I can only assume is a child halloween costume! (turns to look at Monica and Rachel who look like they feel very sorry for the stripper)
Joey: No, no! (they all go towards the balcony but they get jammed in the window)
Chandler: (clearly lying and hating the dessert) Yeah, this is so good, that Im gonna go enjoy it on the balcony so that I can enjoy the view whilst I enjoy my dessert.
MRS GREEN: This is so much fun, just the girls. You know what we should do? Does anybody have any marijuana?
Ross: Turns out them Emily is just crazy about Susan. Yeah, theyre going to the theatre together! Theyre going to dinner! Theyre going horseback riding!
Phoebe: That fan kinda looks like ours. And the birdcage and the wait a sec! This is our exact living room!
Monica: Yes! Now, theyre a little more than I normally spend on boots or rent (Shows him the receipt.)
EDDIE: Wha-, n-, no. I mean it's just a bunch of pretty people runnin' around on the beach, ya know.
Phoebe: No, I know! I-Im sorry, but the moment I touch him, I just wanna throw out my old oath and take a new, dirty one.
Ross: Okay, bye-bye. (starts slamming the receiver down in anger.)
(They start lobbing the balloons in. Ross desperately tries to get out of the line of fire but is struck in the back. The girls all retreat to relative safety behind the couch.)
Joey: Well youre not selling the story! Its like; its like you dont believe it! Look, I gotta go. I got a date, but try this. Do what I do when Im preparing for an audition. Okay? Ill set you up with my video camera and you can record yourself and-and see what youre doing wrong.
(She throws the paper at him, misses and hits Monicas door, they all jump back at the sound.)
Joey: Bikini, French cut, thong! And-and the fabrics! Youve got cotton, silk, lace! And yknow what Ive always wondered about?
Ross: We got honourable mention in the brother/sister dance category! Look, its almost fake midnight, do we really have any other choice?
Chandler: Yeah, well, I only have twenty minutes until Ethan, so, y'know.. (He starts to raid the fridge.)
Ross: (stares at her through the door and starts pushing the chair harder, looking very annoyed. He finally manages) (sarcastic) I'm sorry, it's almost as if this wasn't built for a quick getaway!
(Rachel spins the bottle and it lands on .wait for it .Joshua. (You thought I was going to say Ross, didnt you?) Rachel squeals in delight and starts a slow sexy crawl over to Joshua, making sure he and everyone else watching gets a good look at her cleavage.)
Chandler: Oh, that would be Monica. Hey, listen, I wanna borrow a coupla things, Aurora spent the night, I really wanna make her breakfast.
Phoebe: (pauses as he figures out how to answer that) Because Im normal! That was the one legacy my grandmother left me, and I know you wanted it as an engagement present.
(They quickly take their places and Here Comes the Bride Begins to play. Everyone seated looks back. Emily is being escorted up the aisle by her father. She kisses him on the cheek and takes her place by Rosss side.)
Ross: (sarcastic) Oh! Oh-oh, the bands ready! Well, I-I-we gotta do what the band saysI dont care about the stupid band!!
Rachel: Oh come(Stutters)Of course I know that. I mean of course you never leave a baby alone! I mean who wouldshe wouldnt be safe as she would be with me, the baby dummy. Oh God, okay. Yknow what? I think opening the presents right now is a little overwhelming right now. So I think umm, Im just gonna maybe open them a little bit later, but thank you all for coming. And for these beautiful gifts, and this basket is beautiful.
Ross: Ahh, sorry, nothing you can do about it. Its one of my ah, rights as the ex-boyfriend. (closes his eyes again) Oop, oh yeah!
(Trying not to wrinkle her nose, Phoebe smiles back realising it's down to her to make up for her negligent sister. Meanwhile, Ursula still hasn't received her side salad, but when she attempts to attract the waiter's attention, he ignores her.)
Rachel: Well, I-I should've told you the truth.
[Scene: Chandler and Monica's apartement. Chandler and the guest are in the living room, Monica in the kitchen]
Rachel: (entering from her room) Okay, Pheebs, quick, what shoes should I wear? The black or the purple?
The Saleslady: And could I get my ring back?
Rachel: (reading the recipe magazine, finally figuring out that...) I wasnt supposed to put beef in the trifle!
Rachel: I don't know. It's so complicated. I work with this guy, you know, I have the baby, and I have Ross, and I just...I don'tknow what to do and I have to be at the office and see Gavin in ten minutes.
Rachel: Mommas Little Bakery, Chicago, Illinois. (They exit with the cheesecake.)
Leslie: (singing) My best shoes, so good to me. I wear them everyday. Down at the heel, holes in the toes. Dont care what people say. My feets best friends, pals to the end. With them Im one hot chicky. Though late one night, not much light, I....
Mrs. Green: and all those dinosaur nick-knacks you have Ross, I thought they might be more at home in the garage.
MRS. GELLER: Sooo, Richard's shopping in the junior section.
Joey: A little more, a little more. (she stuffs some more down his pants and Joey's assesses the how many there already are in there.) A little more... All right. Okay, all right, let's do this.
Rachel: What are you talking about Pheebs? (Takes out her compact) I don't (She gasps when she looks in the mirror and sees her face.) (To Ross) Oh my God, you drew on me?!
Joey: No-no, no! We have to move the table into my room, yeah! 'Cause of all the boxes. Come on!
Ross: OK! Last night after the party I saw Rachel kissing that jerk from her office out on your balcony.
Chandler: No, no. It-its not about the swearing, its more about ah, the way, that you ah, occasionally, concentrate, your enthusiasm on my buttock.
Rachel: It was like months ago. We were walking by this antique store, and I saw this pin in the window, and I told him it was just like one my grandmother had when I was a little girl. Oh! I can't believe he remembered!
Monica: Well, we... (makes quotation signs in the air) "bore false witness"... See I could be a reverend.
Joey: (in a very aaaaahhhhh sweeeeeet voice) Aaahhh, look at you two... holding hands... huh is this getting serious? (Phoebe and Mike, embarrassed, start babbling and look away.) Have you not talked about it yet? (They say nothing now, but smile) Am I making you uncomfortable? (smiles are becoming forced now, and he speaks to Mike) If you were bigger you'd hit me, huh...? Aaaaaahhhhhh (he turns away to the bar)
[Scene: Central Perk, They are returning from the rugby game, Joey and Emily are carrying Ross.]
Joey: Okay, the next situation is for Rachel. The wedding is about to start you walk into the back room and you find Monica taking a nap with Ross. (Ross lies on the floor.) Ill be Monica. Go! (He jumps down and cuddles up with Ross.)
Rachel: Oh. (they knock at the next door, Mr. Heckles answers) Hi. We just found this cat and we're looking for the owner.
[Cut the hallway, Rachel is exited from Monicas when the door closes on her skirt.]
Monica: (Obviously enjoying this setback) Ugh, I guess it got sent to the billing address as opposed to the shipping address. (by now she can barely keep herself from smiling) Uh! What a pickle.
Ross: Oh, god. (He puts his head down on the grill) You know, this is still pretty hot. (He picks his head up, and a mushroom sticks to his head. Carol picks it off and eats it.)
Chandler: No, I know, but it's just so hard, you know? I mean, you're sitting there with her, she has no idea what's happening, and then you finally get up the courage to do it, and there's the horrible awkward moment when you've handed her the note.
(Chandler opens the bathroom door to reveal Joey passed out on the toilet with a toothbrush in his mouth.)
Ross: Oh mom! Okay, umm, her name is Carol. And she's really pretty. And smart. And uh, she's-she's on the lacrosse team and the golf team. Can you believe it? She plays for both teams!
Chandler: I also got this great salt and pepper shaker from the restaurant.
Max: It won't be the same- but it'll still be Minsk. Happy New Year.(Walks off)
(The movie starts, its a vampires lair and Buffay, The Vampire Layer enters dressed in leather and carrying a wooden stake. Suddenly, the vampire opens his coffin and sits up.
Joey: Hey, hey! You said you're gonna wear a thong, where's the thong?
Rachel: Yeah, if youre going to do the ears, you might as well take a pass at the nosal area.
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, continued from earlier. Monica and Chandler are still discussing the previous question.]