words in movies
Monica: Why did they get divorced?
{Transcribers note: This is where the opening credits are, but theyre not the usual opening credits. Oh no! These credits are based on the world that would have been created had all of the above actually happened. It starts out with all of them at the fountain sitting on the couch as Fat Monica runs up and sits on the arm of the couch, tilting the whole thing towards her. It then goes on to show Rachels still a shop-aholic and with Barry. Fat Monica is sweating while cooking and dancing while eating a donut. Phoebe as the Wall Street shark smoking while on two cell phones. Then theyre dancing in the fountain. Joey entering as Dr. Drake Remoray and meeting a groupie. Chandler trying to write as a bird does its business on his shoulder and falling asleep while typing. Ross doing some kara-tay and trying to get Carol into bed. And finally, some more dancing in the fountain, them all flexing, and the turning out the lamp and shutting off all the lights bit from the first season. Just remember one thing, this is an alternate universe. Everything from every other episode doesnt apply, for instance, Ross and Rachel have no history. And in fact have not seen each other in years in this world.}
Rachel: Oh, its the best! (They both exhale contemplating the joys of marriage.) So, umm hows Monica?
Ross: Come on! (They start to leave.)
Chandler: Oh I just got another rejection letter. They said my writing was funny, just not "Archie Comic funny."
Phoebe: What am I gonna do?! What am I gonna do?! I cant call my office theyll kill me! I cant call my clients theyll kill themselves! Great, now my chest hearts.
Ross: Come on Pheebs, its not that bad! Yknow most people would be excited if they didnt have to work for a couple of weeks.
Monica: Lets take a walk. (They start to leave.) Yknow maybe you should consider writing for Talking Out of Your Ass magazine! (They exit.)
Joey: Oh great. (Starts to go in.) (To Chandler) Hey! Go take off those pants, they look ready!
Chandler: Aww, thanks man. (They hug.)
Joey: Wait a minute. That sounds a little familiar! Did they already do that one? Cause I think I read it!
Rachel: Yes!! I mean sex does not have to be a big deal! There shouldnt be all this rules and restrictions! Yknow, people should be able to sleep with who ever they want, whenever
Phoebe: Was it my work? Were they mad? Was it Jack? Did he yell?!
[Cut back to the TV, the cops are leading Dr. Wesley out, and as they pass Remoray and Wesley exchange evil glances.]
Monica: I hope youre hungry, were starting with oysters. And yknow what they say about oysters, dont you?
Dr. Roger: They have parasites?
Monica: Okay! (They kiss again and his beeper goes off.) Ohhh no!
Susan: Hey! (They hug.)
(They start moving towards the bedroom, never taking their eyes off each other. They move past Ross and stop.)
(They disappear into the bedroom leaving Ross standing in the living room holding Susans coat.)
Chandler: Well, I could make it seem like hes here. (Imitates him.) "Heres some little known facts about cous-cous. They didnt add the second cous until 1979." (Mumbles something further.)
Chandler: Okay. (They both realize what he just said.)
Joey: Well, with Dr. Drake they always tell me what to say. And with Joey, I pretty much have to make it up on my own.
Monica: No! (They both laugh.) Oyster?
Chandler: Okay! (They both get up.)
Rachel: (seeing the ring and gasping) Oh my God, they let you keep that stuff?!
Joey: Sure! As long as they dont find out you can keep whatever you want! And I want you to have it.
(They both laugh.)
Phoebe: Well, they fired me and Im having heart attack.
Chandler: Yeah! When you were talking about Roger, that was killing me! Look, things like last night they dont just happen. Yknow? Or at least not to me. Or with the other two women, in the morning yknow I was just lying there and I couldnt wait to just go hang out with my friends, but with you I always yknow with a friend.
Ross: Right, but, it is just me and the baby, so I'm thinkin' they can take us. And so I uh, hah-hah, I just heave it down field.
Ross: Why do they keep doing that?
Kyle: Yeah, were gonna go. (They leave.)
Ross: Alright, ok, let's do it. (Ross sits down at the desk and they all gather around him) Uhm, I know we start by discussing the shortcomings of carbon dating... uhm, and then, then I move on to what is clearly the defining moment of the Mesozoic era, the breakup of Pangea, hello! (Rachel and Joey look confused) And then, there's the... eh... there's the overview of the Triassic.
ROSS: Hey you. [they stand together in front of the TV.]
Ross: Hey Pheebs, what 'cha reading? (Phoebe ignores him) Pheebs? (Turns away) Hello? (He sits down next to her and she moves over a bit.) Phoebe? (He moves closer and she keeps moving away.) Phoe-Phoebe! (They end up hanging over the arm rest.) Come on! (He grabs the magazine away from her.)
Rachel: Well, they said would but they would only give me store credit. I mean, what am I going to do, get a thousand regular cats?
(They move to kiss, but realise that Chandler is staring at them. Chandler urges them on.)
(They hear a knocking sound coming from the hallway and go to investigate.)
Chandler: Yeah, Id love to but Ive tried that so many times they wont even let me in the store anymore.
Rachel: Fine. (They start to walk away.)
Ross: Smooth man. Yeah, you got some chilie on your neck. (Chandler checks and runs into the bathroom.) Well, I just want to say, thanks everyone, this-this was great. And hey! See you guys Monday morning. (They museum geeks wave at him.) Thanks Joey.
Joey: Uh, theyre like my best friends. Are you saying we cant hang out with them? Cause that would kinda be a problem.
Joey: No I mean it! I cant believe they would do this to you! And to your fans! I mean they are going to be devastated! Heart broken! They love you so much!
Joey: What? No, the only reason I'm going to their stupid new house, is so I can point out everything that's wrong with it, so they don't move. I'm gonna make them stay here.
Phoebe: Theyre at the coffeehouse.
Chandler: Happy Anniversary, 10 months! (They kiss.)
(Ross and Rachel approach, theyre still yelling at each other.)
Joey: Yeah! And also, a little like a French guy. (They both squint at each other.) I never noticed that before.
Joey: Yeah. And speaking of volcanoes, man are they a violent igneous rock formation.
Chandler: Oh, good! (They start kissing.)
Joey: (frustrated) Yes, all right? All of her hot dancer friends are gonna be there and theyre gonna be, be drinkin and dancin, and we really wanna go!
Monica: But they like it!
CHAN: [slowly lifts coffee cup to his mouth] Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. [slowly sets the cup back down] Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. [Joey intercepts the cup and puts it down for him]. She's insane, the woman is insane. It's before work, it's after work, it's during work. She's got me doing butt clenches at my desk. And now, they won't bring me my mail anymore.
Chandler: You mean they like you.
Phoebe: (overacting badly) I cant! My circuits are fried! Theyre fried I tell you!!
Chandler: Youre welcome. (They kiss.)
Ross: Well, y'know, these people are pros. They know what they're doing, they take their time, they get the job done.
Monica: Heres your tea Phoebe. (They give it to her and quickly take a step back.)
Phoebe: I had to bring them! We killed their mother, they're our responsibility now. You know, they require constant care. You should know that, Rachel, you're a mother.
Phoebe: Wow, Joey and a professor! Can you imagine if they had kids and if the kids got her intelligence and Joey's raw sexual magnetism... Oh, those nerds will get laaaaaid!
(They all look at the window, grossed out, then flinch in pain.)
Chandler: Theyre not gonna swallow anything, you guys are being way over protective. When I was a kid, my mom used to just throw me into a pile of broken glass!
(They hug and give each other a little peck on the cheek.)
Joey: is because they were friends first. Y'know? So I asked myself, "Who are my friends?" You and Phoebe, and I saw you first. So
Rachel: Okay. Okay. (They sit down.) I think we can do this if we just get organized. All right? We have two days to plan this party. We just need to make fast decisions! Okay? All right, where are we gonna have it?
Joshua: Yeah, its-its my only weird thing, I swear. And I-I-I wouldve told you about it, but I didnt know they would be here.
Phoebe: I do too. (They kiss.)
All: Okay! Okay! (They start to leave again.)
All: (groaning) Oh no! Oh no! (They all start to get up a leave.)
Rachel: Yeah, I went to a wedding once where they had swing music and uh, two months later the couple got divorced. And now Im not saying that theres any connection here yknow, but they did tell me thats why they got divorced.
Carol: Oh no. I thought you said they could shoot the spot without you.
Monica: Well umm, we were just talking about the yknow, the Swing Kings and just wondering whether yknow, they were the right way to go.
Joey: I know, but, I was the best, you know? I liked being the best. (He downs the glass of juice in one swig.) I don't know. Maybe I should just get outta the game. They need guys up in housewares to serve cheese.
Chandler: Yep! And! A beautiful woman agreed to go out with me. (Theyre stunned.) Joey wanted to ask her out, but uh, she picked me.
Tag: No, I would see you looking embarrassed because they are not on my desk!
[Scene: The Hallway between the Apartments, Ross is hiding behind that bump out on Monicas side waiting for Phoebe and Rachel. As they come up the stairs, he jumps out and yells ]
Phoebe: Yeah! It really has been great too, you know, some of this people must have seen me play before because they were requesting a bunch of my songs! Yeah, "You suck" and "shut up and go home".
(They start wrestling, only they are unable to move either ones arm despite a huge strain on their faces and a cheering crowd.)
Tag: A joke they would appreciate?
Tag: How did you know they were in my bottom drawer?
Rachel: Yeah, they said he's gonna be fine, but he's still heavily sedated.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's bedroom, theyre cuddling.]
Ross: Anyway, they want me to go down to this- sonogram thing with them tomorrow.
Ross: Come on, you know they love you.
Monica: As much as they love you?
Ross: They kept your room for a while.
Ross: So they said our table will be ready in just a few minutes.
Phoebe: Oh, anyway, they say, if we want, we can see it tonight.
Chandler: Then it's okay! (They kiss.)
[Scene: Chandler and Monica's apartment. They are having a diner party with Phoebe and Mike.]
(They go through the doors into the trauma room, opening them by ramming the gurney through them, only Chandler's foot is hanging off the end and he screams in pain.)
Monica: (on phone) Hello Greg? (Listens) Hi, this is Monica from the plane? Listen, the number that you gave me 853-5 (Listens) (To Chandler) That is their old number! Jennys been giving it out since they moved!
(They enter their apartment.)
Joey: That's how they do pants! Ross, will you tell him? Isn't that how they measure pants?
(They all take a bite.)
Phoebe: Now, its you little bunny friend. (She sticks it in Rachels face and they both laugh.)
Ross: Hi. (They shake hands.) Its nice to meet you. I used to have a friend named Joey. I dont anymore.
Chandler: (quietly) Hi! (They both start kissing.)
(They confer again.)
Nina: Maybe. But that doesnt explain why they keep taking my scissors.
Phoebe: No. Its all right; its probably false labour. They said that, that can happen near the end, just somebody get the book.
Joey: Oh, very funny. I dont know if you remember, but my audition was supposed to be Thursday. (Chandler doesnt say anything until Joey figures it out.) You got me the audition?! Lets hug it up! (They hug.)
Chandler: They put you in jail?
Rachel: No-no, they just had a big blowout over what to do with my room.
(They hug as Phoebe and Joey stare at the two of them.)
Joey: They do!
Rachel: Oh, y'know what? That was a complete misunderstanding! (Ross puts his arms around her and they act all sweetness and light)
Erica: Yeah, you know, maybe I ate too much. I keep getting these stomach aches. They come and go like every few minutes.
Phoebe: Yeah absolutely! (They both switch.)
Ross: Well I have to. Okay? If I dont, theyll take the class away from me. And I already put it in my family newsletter.
(They continue their trek.)
Phoebe: God, they thought they can mess with us! They're trying to mess with us?! They don't know that we know they know we know! (Joey just shakes his head.) Joey, you can't say anything!
Rachel: Yeah, Im sorry. (They hug.)
(They hear Monica trying to unlock the door. So Phoebe quickly pushes his head down onto the table to make it look like the turkey is just sitting on a platter and not stuck on Joey's head.)
Rachel: What? Monica, they are cute, they are doctors, (spelling it out in the air for her slow friend) cute doctors, doctors who are cute!
Monica: Who are they killing off?
Phoebe: You guys! You guys! Youre gonna have a baby! Theyre gonna have a baby!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. They are having their party. All the guests are stripped down because of the heat.]
[Scene: The Semi-Private Labor Room, theyre brining in yet another woman.]
Cecilia: They dont?
Joey: They sent me todays script! They never send the script!
All: Hey! (They all go hug her, except for Ross.)
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Chandler is playing Playstation, Crash Team Racing to be exact (hes in last on Hot Air Skyway to be more exact) as Joey enters from his room desperately trying to look like a 19-year-old. Hes got the wool cap, hes got the cut-off Knicks jersey over the faded T-shirt, and hes got the whole pants-around-the-knees-showing-off-the-boxers thing that rich, white, suburban kids have adopted in a desperate and extremely futile attempt to try to look like theyre from the inner-city.]
JOEY: They didn't fight a lot?
(They all turn and with shocked looks on their faces stare at Ross. Ross is at a loss for words at this moment.)
Monica: Look at that! Look at that! Theyre going into the first class lounge! Do you know what they have in there?
Joey: Are you kidding? Phoebe, I would be honored. (they hug)
Monica: Come on, no peeking! (They are leading the gang out with there hands over their eyes.)
Phoebe: Yeah, otherwise, I mean thats, thats, thats just it for us hanging out together. Y'know is that what you want? (they both look away) Can you be civil?