words in movies
Monica: Why did they get divorced?
{Transcribers note: This is where the opening credits are, but theyre not the usual opening credits. Oh no! These credits are based on the world that would have been created had all of the above actually happened. It starts out with all of them at the fountain sitting on the couch as Fat Monica runs up and sits on the arm of the couch, tilting the whole thing towards her. It then goes on to show Rachels still a shop-aholic and with Barry. Fat Monica is sweating while cooking and dancing while eating a donut. Phoebe as the Wall Street shark smoking while on two cell phones. Then theyre dancing in the fountain. Joey entering as Dr. Drake Remoray and meeting a groupie. Chandler trying to write as a bird does its business on his shoulder and falling asleep while typing. Ross doing some kara-tay and trying to get Carol into bed. And finally, some more dancing in the fountain, them all flexing, and the turning out the lamp and shutting off all the lights bit from the first season. Just remember one thing, this is an alternate universe. Everything from every other episode doesnt apply, for instance, Ross and Rachel have no history. And in fact have not seen each other in years in this world.}
Rachel: Oh, its the best! (They both exhale contemplating the joys of marriage.) So, umm hows Monica?
Ross: Come on! (They start to leave.)
Chandler: Oh I just got another rejection letter. They said my writing was funny, just not "Archie Comic funny."
Phoebe: What am I gonna do?! What am I gonna do?! I cant call my office theyll kill me! I cant call my clients theyll kill themselves! Great, now my chest hearts.
Ross: Come on Pheebs, its not that bad! Yknow most people would be excited if they didnt have to work for a couple of weeks.
Monica: Lets take a walk. (They start to leave.) Yknow maybe you should consider writing for Talking Out of Your Ass magazine! (They exit.)
Joey: Oh great. (Starts to go in.) (To Chandler) Hey! Go take off those pants, they look ready!
Chandler: Aww, thanks man. (They hug.)
Joey: Wait a minute. That sounds a little familiar! Did they already do that one? Cause I think I read it!
Rachel: Yes!! I mean sex does not have to be a big deal! There shouldnt be all this rules and restrictions! Yknow, people should be able to sleep with who ever they want, whenever
Phoebe: Was it my work? Were they mad? Was it Jack? Did he yell?!
[Cut back to the TV, the cops are leading Dr. Wesley out, and as they pass Remoray and Wesley exchange evil glances.]
Monica: I hope youre hungry, were starting with oysters. And yknow what they say about oysters, dont you?
Dr. Roger: They have parasites?
Monica: Okay! (They kiss again and his beeper goes off.) Ohhh no!
Susan: Hey! (They hug.)
(They start moving towards the bedroom, never taking their eyes off each other. They move past Ross and stop.)
(They disappear into the bedroom leaving Ross standing in the living room holding Susans coat.)
Chandler: Well, I could make it seem like hes here. (Imitates him.) "Heres some little known facts about cous-cous. They didnt add the second cous until 1979." (Mumbles something further.)
Chandler: Okay. (They both realize what he just said.)
Joey: Well, with Dr. Drake they always tell me what to say. And with Joey, I pretty much have to make it up on my own.
Monica: No! (They both laugh.) Oyster?
Chandler: Okay! (They both get up.)
Rachel: (seeing the ring and gasping) Oh my God, they let you keep that stuff?!
Joey: Sure! As long as they dont find out you can keep whatever you want! And I want you to have it.
(They both laugh.)
Phoebe: Well, they fired me and Im having heart attack.
Chandler: Yeah! When you were talking about Roger, that was killing me! Look, things like last night they dont just happen. Yknow? Or at least not to me. Or with the other two women, in the morning yknow I was just lying there and I couldnt wait to just go hang out with my friends, but with you I always yknow with a friend.
(They go to hug but Ross' umbrella opens. He sits, defeated again.)
Janine: Well they said I should bring someone. (To Joey) Do you wanna be my dance partner?
Monica: They all came from the list you handed out to us two weeks ago.
Chandler: (almost crying) I wouldn't know, I didn't make it! (they hug)
Rachel: Oh, hi sweetie. (They kiss)
Chandler: (starts crying) I-I cant believe Jills gone. (They all look at him.) I cant help it, I opened a gate.
Chandler: Get ready to run. (Chandler walks over to the new bride.) Congratulations on your wedding. (He grabs her, kisses her, Ross takes the picture, and they both run out.)
Ross: No, come on dont start. (they start kissing again) Ouch!
Phoebe: Yeah, I know, Frank. I counted them when they were coming out of my area.
Monica: Why would I say anything? That two of our best friends could start the greatest love affair of their lives! And they would have me to thank, and we could all start having babies?
Ross: Look, Chandler, its my joke. But, hey, if it makes you feel any better they dont print the name, so it doesnt really matter who gets credit, right?
Monica: Okay, Mike and Joey, get in position. Chandler, come with me. (they walk off, Ross looks down to Chappy, who he's holding and he gets a whiff of the dog's smell. He is clearly disgusted by it.)
(They go into the bedroom leaving Joey and Rachel alone.)
Phoebe: Well, umm, not much. But, I was just thinking that since those guys just got engaged that maybe it would be nice if they had some privacy, yknow? So, could I just move in with you for a couple days?
Rachel: They took Ben to the park. Where've you been?
Ross: (seeing Phoebe still with cat) You didnt tell her?! (They all kinda shy away.) Okay, fine! Pheebs?
Ross: Yeah! Theyre putting together this panel to talk about these fossils they just found in Peru and The Discovery Channels gonna film it!
Joey: I knew that! (They all look at him) I sooo didnt know that, but you should see your faces.
Joey: (speaking with his mouth full, enjoying his sandwich) What did they say?
Ross: No, I mean its okay, I mean, theyre-theyre my friends. In fact, I-I-I was married to one of them.
MONICA: MEG was good for me but I dumped her. Ya know, my motto is get out before they go down.
Phoebe: Don't feel bad. You know they used to like you a lot. But then you got promoted, and, you know, now you're like "Mr. Boss Man". You know, Mr. Bing. Mr. Bing, "Boss Man Bing".
(Monica enters, and they throw the gifts behind them.)
Rachel: Nice to meet you. (They shake hands.)
Ross: Hey, both you guys should be up there with me. I mean, you two are-are my I mean, Im lucky to have just one good (They all start getting emotional.)
Phoebe: Well then youd better hurry! The Angelica! Go! Go! (Bangs on the roof again and off they go.)
Phoebe: Thanks! Okay. (They sit down.)
Phoebe: Hey, maybe they meant to write, Quiet, bitch.
Monica: Okay! (She takes her present for him and they move over to sit on the couch.)
Rachel: Yeah, they were very y'know wrestley. But, I guess that's normal?
[Scene: Chandler and Monica's future house. They enter the living room with the realtor and Joey.]
(They all try and shake hands at once. They end up criss-crossing theyre arms to shake each others hand, and Ross says )
Chandler: Oh yeah, thats very nice. Plus, yknow they were free and theyre too small.
Rachel: I dont know why they didnt just tell us.
(They shake hands, he walks out and shuts the door, then seems to change his mind, moves to open the door, than changes his mind again and leans over the door. Just then, Rachel opens the door)
Monica: I guess theyre back from their date.
Rachel: Yknow, bonus night. Yknow, when two people break up but they get back together for just one night.
Monica: Do you think they recognize each other from in there?
(She finishes cutting them up and they all cheer.)
(They look at each other and smile for a while.)
(They all cheer and Rachel, Ross and Phoebe join in for a group hug. Joey also joins, but he stands back a bit, because he is all sticky of the food on him)
Ross: Hmm. (They head off to the gift shop.)
Monica: (pleasantly surprised) Ping pong? (to Chandler) Honey, they have ping pong! Let's play!
[Time lapse. They are now in Monica's bedroom, on the bed.]
Joey: No! I want an award I did win! But nobodys giving me any of those! PlusHey Rach, if-if I put it up there (Points to the TV) right? When people come over theyll see it and theyll think I won it.
Joey and Chandler: Shut-out!! (They both start heading for their rooms.)
Monica: Oh my God! I have nothing left to teach you! (they hug)
Mrs. Tribbiani: Why did you have to fill your father's head with all that garbage about making things right? Things were fine the way they were! There's chicken in there, put it away. For God's sake, Joey, really. (She gives the sofabed a tiny push and it folds away)
Phoebe: Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!! Hey!!! (they all stop fighting, Chandler continues to dance.) Look what youre doing to Chandler!! (Chandler finally stops) (to Ross and Rachel) Yeah, look, we know this is really, really hard for you guys. Okay? (Ross starts to leave) You dont, all right you dont have to love each other, okay? You dont, you dont even have to like each other much right now. But please, you have to figure out a way to be around each other.
Ross: now when they found the remains of the Mesozoic Mastodon they discovered what appeared to be the remains of a Paleozoic Amphibian in its jaws! How did it get there?!
Chandler: Then it's okaaay! (They kiss.)
Phoebe: Wait! But Ross if they dont get along then you should smooth things over. Make them be friends.
(They both laugh as Ross heads back to the bathroom.)
Chandler: Another cheesecake came! They delivered it to the wrong address again!
Rachel: So does it really hurt as bad as they say?
(They run for Phoebe's purse, Phoebe gets there first and takes the cell. Monica tries to take it away from her)
Chandler: Yeah, why not. (They shake hands) So I told her.
Joey: (starting to cry) I gotta go check something over here. (He walks away so that they cant see him cry.)
(They go over to the counter and Chandler moves closer to Phoebe.)
(They start kissing and turn around so that Chandler is facing the door. And Chandler sees Rachel, Phoebe, and Joey walk in and quickly ends the kiss with Monica.)
Monica: Ready? (They grab a hold of each other's necks.) Wrestle! (They start wrestling.)
[Flashback to 716 - TOW The Truth About London] [Scene: London, Chandler's hotel room. He was getting ready for bed when Monica pays him a visit and they started talking]
Monica: Yeah, apparently, theyre pretty good seats.
Joey and Chandler: We already knew that! (they hug)
Phoebe: Umm, you might even say that she pulled a Monica. (They both look at her) (to Monica) She doesnt know we switched it. (Monica nods her head No.)
The Guys: We will. (they dont move)
Chandler: I got good. I played this game all day and now I rule at it! They should change the name of it to Ms. Chandler. (Pause) Although I-I hope they dont.
(Sergei insults Mischa, and they get into a huge fight, in Russian.)
All: Wow!! (they all recoil in shock and horror)
Chandler: Guys? (They ignore him.) Ive got something important to tell ya. (Still nothing so he walks over and stands in front of the TV.) Guys? (They lean over to try and watch the TV, Chandler mimics them.) Guys?! (Pause) Im gonna ask Monica to marry me.
Rachel: (turns around) Mark? Oh my God! (puts the box on the chair and they hug each other)
Joey: I dont know! I really want this part! And they tell you no matter what you get asked at an audition you say yes. Like if-if they want you to ride a horse, you tell em you can! And just figure out how to do it later.
Monica: Theyre kissing lets just go around them.
Chandler: Dude, you have got to turn on Behind the Music. The band Heart is having a really tough time, and I think they may break up.
(They both kiss again and fall onto the bed.)
KEVIN: All right. It's no big deal. BILL: So, she has a boyfriend. What is your situation? RACHEL: Oh, well, it's complicated. I don't actually have a boyfriend.� But um. . . BILL: Then, can I have your number? RACHEL: (pause) I'm sorry, no. BILL: Okay. (They start to walk away.) RACHEL: Oh sure.� (She pulls a business card from her purse and writes on it.) PHOEBE: (Reading the card.) Oh my God, you're giving your real number. BILL: Okay, thanks. I'll give you a call later tonight. RACHEL: Great. BILL: Bye PHOEBE: Bye. (The guys leave.) Wow. So, that's great. You, Bill, Ross, and Emma are going to be so happy together. What were you thinking?
(They all cheer and hug again, but Joey's eating the food off his shirt)
Joey: Oh, all blank, and no blank, makes blank a blank blank. Oh no-no-no, no, the end when Jack almost kills them all with that blank, but then at last second they get away. Aww!
Chandler: Well, I have kissed over four women. (They kiss again.) Do you wanna get under the covers?
Rachel: Ross said my name. Okay? My name. Ross said my name up there that obviously means that he still loves me! (They both just stare at her.) Okay, dont believe me, I know Im rightdo you guys want to go downstairs and get a drink?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the whole gang is there including Janice, theyre watching Happy Days.]
Eric: I dont think they have a name for it. Its just I get nervous; I start sweating like crazy.
(They start towards the door but are stopped when Mr. Zelner enters.)
Chandler: Okay, hear me out. Okay? You give the best bad massages. If anybody was looking for the best bad massage and they were thinking to themselves, "Who's the best of that?" They'd have to go to you.
Monica: Rachel, (they go back inside) say that I'm friends with her, we spend some time together. Is that so terrible?
Monica: Sweetie, I think the glasses look great. They make you look really sexy.
The Interviewer: So, thats it. I guess thats all I need. Thank you so much. I think they will be running this in the beginning of next month.
Phoebe: But, I mean, do you think hes gonna enjoy it when hes up to his elbows in the diapers from all the babies they have to have right away?! This is not fair to Frank, (she walks behind them again, and hey again turn to follow her) and it-its not fair to the babies, and y'know what, its not good home economics.
(Phoebe buttons her lip, while the rest of the gang pretend theyre not there.)
Ross: Excuse me sir, you've got a little something right here. (He points to the corner of his mouth and they both laugh.)
(They open their eyes and are stunned at the van.)
Ross: At least they knew what yours was. Y'know, yours had a name.
Ross: No. No. No, I'm-I'm glad you did. Look, if nothing else, it's-it's always great when someone tells you they love you.
Chandler: (angrily) I dont think thats what they were talking about Joe!!
(They both leave just as Rachel enters the room, holding a cup.)
Phoebe: But they shouldn't happen, you know what, you're, you're in a terrible, terrible business. Oh God, I don't wanna be the person who makes your face look like that.
Chandler: (thinking it over) Well, I did put a lot of thought in the tape. (They both run into the bedroom.)
Monica: (gasps) Oooh! They are in for a world of pain!
RACHEL: I know, I know, I know, I know. I was just thinking about when they were there the last time, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. OK, OK, look, woah, I promise, I'm good, I'm not gonna laugh anymore. OK put your hands back there.
Monica: Bye. (They resume their previous positions.)