words in movies
{Transcribers note: This is where the opening credits are, but theyre not the usual opening credits. Oh no! These credits are based on the world that would have been created had all of the above actually happened. It starts out with all of them at the fountain sitting on the couch as Fat Monica runs up and sits on the arm of the couch, tilting the whole thing towards her. It then goes on to show Rachels still a shop-aholic and with Barry. Fat Monica is sweating while cooking and dancing while eating a donut. Phoebe as the Wall Street shark smoking while on two cell phones. Then theyre dancing in the fountain. Joey entering as Dr. Drake Remoray and meeting a groupie. Chandler trying to write as a bird does its business on his shoulder and falling asleep while typing. Ross doing some kara-tay and trying to get Carol into bed. And finally, some more dancing in the fountain, them all flexing, and the turning out the lamp and shutting off all the lights bit from the first season. Just remember one thing, this is an alternate universe. Everything from every other episode doesnt apply, for instance, Ross and Rachel have no history. And in fact have not seen each other in years in this world.}
Joey: Hey man, look sorry about that Archie thing. Do uh, do you need me to give you some money?
Ross: So honey this uh, this threesome thing umm, I mean how-how are you gonna start to find
Ross: Hey Pheebs, maybe this whole heart attack thing is a sign, that-that you should start think about getting a different job.
Chandler: Uh, what about yknow the massage thing? That never gave you a heart attack.
Rachel: Oh, I probably shouldntso I will! (Joey starts making her refill and Rachel notices that rain thing Joey has.) Oh! Wow! Its like its raining!
Monica: I mean I-I thought you were nuts at first, but you-you did it. And now you can just look back at this thing with no regrets.
Chandler: No-no-no-no, no, its a good thing. Why must we dial so speedily anyway? Why must we rush through life? Why cant we savor the precious moments? (to one of Joeys sisters) Those are some huge breasts you have.
Ross: Y'know, here's the thing. Even if I could get it together enough to- to ask a woman out,... who am I gonna ask? (He gazes out of the window.)
Rachel: Ahhhhh, salmon skin roll. (She does the finger thing.)
CAROL: Actually, he is getting closer on the talking thing. He can't quite say mama yet, but once he said yumen.
Monica: Ok, Mike, enough is enough, now you love Phoebe and she loves you, so you need to get over your whole "I never want to get married" thing and step up!
Rachel: Yeah, it's kinda like a 'good luck on your first day' sort of thing. (to Phoebe) Is this actually a lunchbox?
Ross: Okay, well here we are. Now were in a tough spot again, Rach. What do you want to do? How do you want to handle it? Huh? Do you wanna fight for us? Or, do you wanna bail? (sits down next to her) Look, I, (on the verge of tears) I did a terrible, stupid, stupid thing. Okay? And Im sorry, I wish I could take it back, but I cant. (We see Monica and Phoebe are almost in tears.) I just cant see us throwing away something we know is so damn good. Rachel, I love you so much.
Jill: Cant have?! Excuse me, the only thing I cant have is dairy! (Starts to storm out.)
ROSS: It's just, it's, it's me. You, you know I've only been with one woman my whole life and she turned out to be a lesbian. So now I've got myself all psyched out, you know, and it's become, like this, this thing and I. . . Well, you just must think I'm weird.
RACH: Oh yeah, c'mon, I'm movin' on. He can press her up against that window as much as he wants. For all I care, he can throw her through the damn thing.
CHANDLER: No, see, I'm trying this new screening thing. You know, I figure if I'm always answering the phone, people'll think I don't have a life. My god, Rodrigo never gets pinned.
Parker: And Im with you! What a great time to be alive! Look at this plate-bouncy thing. (Bounces the plates) What an inspired solution to mans plate dispensing problems.
Phoebe: I know. Its just yknow usually when youre, when youre done with the pregnant thing, yknow, then you get to do the mom thing. Im gonna be yknow, sitting around in my leather pants, drinking Tequila.
Ross: Monica you really think I should try this phasing out thing?
Chandler: She is gonna recognize that I did a nice thing and-and, appreciate it.
Guru Saj: (He starts moving his hands around in circles above the thing.) Ross, there is absolutely no way this is going to come off unless you start to
Rachel: Of course he will! But Chandler the most important thing is you forgive yourself!
Chandler: No, its not! When I looked at the other ring I could see Monicas face when I gave it to her, yknow? And I could see her saying yes. When I look at this ring, all I see is a ring! Unless I look at it really closely and then I can see my own eye. (Does so and laughs.) Look, this is the most important thing Im gonna do in my life. I wanna make sure its perfect.
Chandler: (sighs) Just one more thing. I was so pissed at you that night that I wanted to get back at you. So I thought, who does Ross like the more than anybody?
Chandler: That's funny, we were doing the same thing!
Estelle: The thing is its kinda on the Q.T. The actor who has the part doesnt know he might be fired. Its the lead in a series, Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.
Kathy: I'm sorry, it's just this Ernie Cofax thing on in a few minutes I wanted to watch.
Ross: That's not a thing!
Joey: Look, it's one thing not to cast me, but to lie to me?
ROSS: No. Look, I told you I am not a part of this thing.
ROSS: Yes, it was horrible. She cried. I cried. She threw things, they hit me. Anyway, I did the right thing.
Phoebe: Don't point that thing at me, Tribbiani!
Ross: So this is an annual thing?
Phoebe: Good. Oh oh! Roger's having a dinner thing and he wanted me to invite you guys.
Chandler: I wouldn't brag too much about that thing, big guy.
Rachel: Hey, so you guys, the funniest thing happened, at work...
Ross: I knew it! I knew it! I always knew she liked him! Y'know, shed say no, but here we are! Right? We just broke up, first thing she does!
Ross: Well, I still think I was right about that whole Mark thing.
Rachel: No, but I was doing my thing and everything was going according to the plan!
Eric: I am so stupid. Of course she was lying! Shes not a teacher. Theres not such a thing as the top secret elementary school for the children of spies.
Phoebe: What? You know about the plate thing?
Rachel: (To Joey) Yeah I knowIm goodI got it! (Joey slowly backs away.) (To the boy) Now wait a minute, Ive got one more thing I have to say to you oh right! Shut up!
Big Nosed Rachel: Okay, Monica, can you just call it sex?! It really creeps me out when you call it that! Okay, and by the way, while we're at it, a guy's thing is not called his tenderness. Believe me! (Walks into the living room and greets Monica's parents.) Hi!
Monica: The thing we never do.
Monica: You should feel great about yourself! You're doing this amazing independence thing!
Monica: Phoebe, that's how it starts. I don't need to eat the cake, I'll just smell the icing... why don't I just eat a little sliver, or, okay, just a slice or two. And next thing you know, you're 210 pounds and you get wedged in going down the tunnel slide. Phoebe, honey, I know this is hard. Look, if you talk to him, you're going to wanna see him. And if you see him, you're going to want to get back together with him. I know that's not what you want. (pause) Give me your phone.
Chandler: I Think last night was great. You know, the Karaoke thing. Tracy and I doing Ebony and Ivory.
Chandler: That is the exact same thing.
Chandler: The whole thing! Can we go?
Phoebe: I know, it's tough. You know what the first thing I did after my mother's funeral was?
Ross: I I do, I do not love Rachel. Im gonna tell her right now about the whole thing so we can get this marriage annulled as fast as possible. Okay? Would I do that if I loved her?
Guy: I hope you dont think Im crazy but I feel like I was meant to pick this up, do you believe in that kind of thing?
Phoebe: Yeah. I was just in there. He introduced himself and the next thing I know, were making out. You know.
Chandler: Oh, I hate that. I once had a thing of half and half, stole my car.
Chandler: I can blow dry it. I can put gel on it. It doesnt matter, I still wind up with this little (pats the flat spot on the back of his head) cowlicky thing on the middle part of my head. Its so annoying. Does it bug you?
Joey: Yeah, well, that's fine, but the important thing is that I finished it. And uh, I think it's really good, but y'know it'd really help me is if I could hear it. So would you guys read it for me?
Ross: All right, you know that one was coming, but that doesnt mean you have unagi. (Does the finger thing.)
Ross: Princess Leia, was wearing this, um, gold bikini thing. It was pretty cool.
Chandler: You know, it haunts me? Up til now, the worst thing I ever saw, was my father doing tequila shots off the naked houseboy. After this, I would gladly make that my screensaver!
Monica: Y'know, so I don't read as many important books as you do, and I don't write trick poems that seem to be about one thing but are actually about something else. And y'know what, I get excited about stupid stuff, like when I my People magazine comes on Saturday, and the new Hold Everything catalog. Y'know but that does not mean that I'm empty, I care about things. I care about my friends and family. You have no right to make that kind of judgment about me.
CAROL: I mean, I knew they were having trouble with this whole thing, but they're my parents. They're supposed to give me away and everything.
MRS. GREENE: Oh well thank you. Such a gentleman. Thank you. [Chandler takes the hot pink coat and grimaces at it] Ahh, it all looks so nice, so festive, all the balloons... [Chandler, remembering that Joey and Mr. Greene are in the bedroom, throws her coat in a cupboard] The funniest thing happened to me on the way here. I was...[Joey peeks out]
Ross: Okay, the thing is..
Rachel: Honey, you have nothing to prove. And if you really like this girl, I don't flirting is the right thing to (Ross interrupts and shushes her.)
Rachel: It kinda worked. I mean yknow, I dont know about you buy I havent thought about our thing since all this.
Chandler: Fine, but if we end up not doing this Maxim thing because of this party...
The Interviewer: Well umm, another thing our readers always want to know is how our soap stars stay in such great shape. Do you have some kind of fitness regime?
Rachel: Yknow, like the thing when you put the phone in your pants? (He starts laughing.) Tag! Im serious! This isnt funny! Those contracts absolutely had to go out today!
Rachel: Yeah, you know what we should all do? We should play that game where everyone says one thing that they're thankful for.
Phoebe: Thats right, exactly. (sees them) All right, its a good bye kiss, thats good. (Frank picks Alice up and they move to the couch) Bye-bye. (They both lie down on the couch and start to make out.) Okay, no, the important thing is that you see what Im saying, y'know, just y'know, this is clearly wrong. (They ignore her) Okay, Ive decided Im gonna let this happen! Okay, can I just get my purse? (She reaches in and Alice moans) Okay, all right, good. (leaves).
Rachel: You were supposed to be in there so I could see your thing!
Monica: Yeah hey, a weird thing happened today whey I was at brunch. This woman overheard that I was marrying you and-and then she she wished me good luck.
Joey: I have to go to the bathroom too, but I dont want him complimenting my thing.
Monica: Be that as it may, d'you think you could just help us out here on that monkey thing? Y'know, just for old times' sake? Go Bobcats?
Phoebe: No, I know, Im just nervous. Y'know its just y'know Moms dead, dont talk to my sister, Grandmas been sleeping a lot lately. Its like the last desperate chance to have a family, y'know, kinda thing. Youre so sweet to wait with me.
Monica: I know! I mean its like me and your dad, thats a totally separate thing.
Rachel: Hey, yknow, at least you have somebody to miss that stuff with! I hate being alone this time of year! Next thing you know itll be Valentines Day, then my birthday, then bang!before you know it, theyre lighting that damn tree again. Ohh, I want somebody! (hearing this, Gunther moves in) Yknow, I want a man!! (Gunther leaves depressed) I mean, it doesnt even have to be a big relationship, yknow, just like a fling would be great.
Monica: Behind my brother's back? (Rachel glares at her) ... is exactly the kind of crazy thing you won't be hearing from me.
CHANDLER: That thing, it's a uhh. . . yeah it's, it's a little flashy.
Mike: (gets up) Joe, I love Phoebe. She's the single most important thing in my life. I'd die before I let anything happen to her.
Monica: So do you guys gonna come over tomorrow? Ill make that pasta thing I was telling you about.
Rachel: Oh, well, she’s asleep now. Stop forcing that thing on her.
[Cut to Rosss apartment, he his playing the Bagpipes, badly. Hes worse than that whole keyboard thing a few years ago.]
Monica: Yeah, but the important thing to know about us, is how much we would care for this little baby. (holds up the sonogram)
Ross: Well, they painted over the word Sapien for one thing, then they rearranged the figures, lets just leave it at that.
Phoebe: (running up) Okay. Okay, heres what were gonna do. Okay, Im gonna break into this mini-van and put it in neutral. You guys push it forward so Ross can drive out of his spot. Okay? All right, here we go. (She opens her coat and reveals that thing car thieves use to break into cars as Ross jumps in behind the wheel. She inserts the device, unlocks the door, opens it, and the alarm goes off.) Haul ass!!!! (Runs off.)
Monica: You had a bathroom break at 2030. Pee on your own time, Mike! (to Phoebe and Mike). Now, in regard to the toast, okay, you wanna keep them short, nothing kills a rehearsal dinner like long speeches. Okay. You just get in, do your thing and get out!
Phoebe: No. No, I wont. But I should tell you this, this exact same thing happened to my roommate Denise. She moved in with a guy who was secretly married to her and he said he didnt love her, but he really did, and it just blew up! And thats how she ended up living with me! (Ross looks at her.) (Pause) Okay, thats a lie.
Ross: Weird? What? What's weird? The only thing weird would be if someone didn't like Mexican food, because I'm making fajitas!! (Storms off.)
Rachel: Oops. Sorry! Well, good thing you number all of them, huh?
Ross: (mockingly)Yeah if only it were a sure thing like your 24 state lottery!
Phoebe: I did it! One mile on a hippity-hop! Thats it!! Thats everything I wanted to do before I was thirty. Oh, except I wanted to patch things up with my sister. But oh well. Yay!! (They all cheer again.) And-and girls this thing is a Godsend if you know what I mean. (Rachel and Monica look intrigued and as they all head into Central Perk, Rachel picks up the hippity-hop that Phoebe left behind.)
RACHEL: Oh please. That Paolo thing was barely a relationship. All it really was was just, ya know, meaningless animal sex. Ok, ya know, that sounded soooo much better in my head.
Monica: Yeah. The great thing about the jam plan was, I was taking control of my life. So I asked myself, what is the most important thing to me in the world and that's when I came up with the baby plan.
Phoebe: This is fashion?! (Grabs the coat from Rachel.) Okay, so to you, death is fashion?! That's really funny. (She puts the coat on and starts to model it.) Here's Phoebe umm, sporting uh, y'know, cutting edge hairy carcass from y'know, the steal traps of wintry Russia. I mean, you really thing this looks good? (Sees herself in the mirror.) 'Cause I do.
Estelle: Theres just one thing. Do you have a problem with full frontal nudity?
Ross: No no no, believe me. No one has been waiting for this as much as I have, ok? And you know what the funny thing is? When this day is over, you get to go home with the baby, ok? Where does that leave me?
Monica: You actually broke her watch? Wow! The worst thing I ever did was, I-I shredded by boyfriend's favorite bath towel.
Joey: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Like-like when Im doing something exciting and I dont wanna get too excited, I just ahh, yknow try to thing of other things like ah sandwiches, and ah baseball, and ah Chandler!
Tag: No, you didn't. The only thing that freaked me out was you saying that nothing could ever happen between us.
Phoebe: Oh no, I am mad at you. I know that much. But, I am sorry about the fat ass thing. You actually have a very sweet little hiney.
Mike: But please, let's just forget the whole thing.
Joey: Hey, whats the horsepower on this thing?
Chandler: Okay, but impersonating a police officer is a serious thing. You could get arrested.