words in movies
{Transcribers Note: This is an hour-long special episode. Which means that the first part of this episode is episode 615. The second part of this episode is episode 616. Since episodes 615 and 616 are combined into one file, thats why there is no episode 616 in the season 6 table of contents and the numbers jump from episode 615 to 617.}
{Transcribers note: This is where the opening credits are, but theyre not the usual opening credits. Oh no! These credits are based on the world that would have been created had all of the above actually happened. It starts out with all of them at the fountain sitting on the couch as Fat Monica runs up and sits on the arm of the couch, tilting the whole thing towards her. It then goes on to show Rachels still a shop-aholic and with Barry. Fat Monica is sweating while cooking and dancing while eating a donut. Phoebe as the Wall Street shark smoking while on two cell phones. Then theyre dancing in the fountain. Joey entering as Dr. Drake Remoray and meeting a groupie. Chandler trying to write as a bird does its business on his shoulder and falling asleep while typing. Ross doing some kara-tay and trying to get Carol into bed. And finally, some more dancing in the fountain, them all flexing, and the turning out the lamp and shutting off all the lights bit from the first season. Just remember one thing, this is an alternate universe. Everything from every other episode doesnt apply, for instance, Ross and Rachel have no history. And in fact have not seen each other in years in this world.}
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Fat Monica, and her boyfriend are sitting on the couch. Monicas boyfriend is getting up to get something. For future reference, for the rest of this episode Monicas fat, I wont be calling her Fat Monica throughout.]
Monica: Ohhh! (Takes the plate.) No! This is my friend Rachel, we went to High School together.
Phoebe: Hang on! Hang on! Hang on! (Answering the phone.) Go!! Whos this? (Listens) Oh okay, youre gonna like working for me. Whats your name? (Listens) What kind of name is Brendy? I Whatever Stop talking! All right, from now on your name is Joan. You can pick your own last name.
Joey: All right, heres a list of things for you to do today. Man, this going to be so great! Thank you so much! All right, I got to go to work Im delivering twins today, but only one of them is mine! (Exits.)
Rachel: Wow! This is so amazing! What else? What else?
Joey: I thought we talked about this. I dont like pulp. No pulp. Pulp isnt juice. All juice, okay?
Joey: (To Chandler) Okay look, Chandler, if this (Motions back and forth indicating the arrangement.) you have got to listen! (Tugs on his ear.) (Chandler glares at him.) Youre gonna throw that juice at me, arent ya?
Ross: So honey, this morning was fun, huh? Me hopping in on you in the shower there.
Chandler: Whats this?
Rachel: Oh Mon, listen I have to ask! Okay, Joey Tribbiani invited me back to his apartment, now does he do this with a lot of girls?
Rachel: Ohh! And Im one of them!! Wow! Oh, I just cannot believe this! I mean, Joey Tribbiani!
Monica: Its not like, I havent any opportunities. I mean, yknow, Im just waiting for the perfect guy. Im seeing this guy Roger, all right? Hes not perfect, but umm, I think maybe I should just get it over with. Yknow, give him my flower.
Rachel: Yes!! I mean sex does not have to be a big deal! There shouldnt be all this rules and restrictions! Yknow, people should be able to sleep with who ever they want, whenever
{Transcribers Note: This is where Part II begins, which means this is now episode 616.}
Ross: So honey this uh, this threesome thing umm, I mean how-how are you gonna start to find
Carol: Ooh, actually Ive been making a list of all the women I know who might be into doing this!
Phoebe: Well, Ive got to get out of this bed, Im going crazy here. Crazy!
Phoebe: What the hell is this, herbal tea? I hate herbal tea!
Ross: Hey Pheebs, maybe this whole heart attack thing is a sign, that-that you should start think about getting a different job.
Phoebe: Okay, what is this? A stupid contest? Because we got a winner here! (Points at Ross.)
Joey: I know. (Joey is sitting in this tall chair that is made up of balls on polls. Youll have to see it to know what I mean.) Yeah, his name is Pat.
Ross: Were really gonna do this, huh?
Ross: Yknow, if, if this is too weird for you, we can still back out at (A knock on the door interrupts him.)
Susan: (not taking her eyes off Carol) Hello Ross. (Takes off her coat and hands it to him.) I love what youve done with this space.
Ross: How hot is this?!
Chandler: No you are not! You are sweet and wonderful and this is gonna happen for you.
Chandler: We cant do this.
Chandler: Yeah! (Takes it.) If-if-if we did do this there would be a lot of pressure on me, yknow? Because youve been waiting a very long time and I wouldnt want to disappoint you.
Chandler: Stop it! Were doing this! Lets do it!
Monica: I have no moves. (He moves in to kiss her and she laughs and backs away.) Okay, whatcha doin there?! (Giggles.) Oh yknow what? Im sorry, this is just too weird.
Joey: Yes! Yes!! And every time you look at it, I want you to remember that you are a good person. Okay, youve had the chance to cheat, and with me, but you didnt. And thats what this ring stands for.
Chandler: Let me tell you about this chick I scored with last night! Oh no wait a minute that was you!
Phoebe: All better! Back to work! Except this clown from research told me I was fired. He should do his research, huh?
Phoebe: Oh, okay I didnt get that message. So this doesnt countAnyway, Ill be in my office.
Phoebe: Thats all right, Ill work here. This is goo, next to this plant. (She picks a place in the lobby next to a plant.)
Phoebe: Youre in my office! Look, I have made a lot of cash for this company! Okay? I am talking big bucks! Pesos! Yen! Rubles! You make one little mistake
Phoebe: Oh, so this is all about money! Yknow its bad enough thatOw! Oh, you have got to be kidding!
Rachel: Well, if you see him, will you please tell him that Im looking for him and that this I am not gonna throw up!
Ross: She is not (Realizes) Shes gay. Oh my God. She is so gay! I cant believe this.
JOEY: Incredible! I met the director this time and you'll never believe who it was.
Rachel: I know, it's huge, and it's scary, and it's... really far, far away from you guys, but this is such an incredible opportunity for me. And I've already talked to them about our situation with Emma, and they said they'll do whatever we need to make us feel comfortable.
Phoebe: Alright, so, can we turn this off? Can we just make it... make them go away? Because I cant, I cant watch.
PHOEBE: I'm just, I'm, I'm, I'm used to playing for grown-ups. Ya know, they just, grown-ups drink their coffee and do their grown-up thing, ya know, and kids listen. This is a huge responsibility. What? Are you gonna kiss me?
Mr. Geller: (grabbing a glove) This couldve been hers!
Chandler: This is unbelievable. Its been like a half an hour. If this was a cartoon, youd be looking like a ham right about now.
Phoebe: Ross, youre tired. Youve been looking all night. And clearly you suck at this.
Chandler: Okay, listen this really hurts. Lets go.
MRS. GELLER: Oh, dear. Jack, how do I turn this off?
PHOEBE: Happy Christmas Eve Eve. [sees Ross's picture frame] Oh my God, where did you get this?
Chloe: I want you to met some friends of mine. (Introduces him to Chandler and Joey) This guy is my hero, he comes in with some stuff he wants it blown up 400%, we said we dont do that, and he says you gotta. And y'know what, we did it. And now anytime anybody wants 400, we just say lets Ross it!
Phoebe: I cant believe that! Now the only thing left of my grandmothers legacy is this crumb. (She picks it up with her finger and holds it out to Monica.) I wish you a long and happy marriage.
Mr Campbell: Well, if you don't want to leave, why are we having this lunch?
Chandler: This is okay. Were all adults here; theres nothing to be ashamed of. Now, lets put our underwear in our pockets and walk out the door. (They do so and find Mr. Geller leaning against a wall stunned.)
Joanne: C'mon, this is us.
Monica: No that is not what happened with us. Well, I was umm, I was really sad that night because this guy that I was Rosss mom.
Rachel: Uh-huh. Okay. You know what, Joey, I don't think he's ever gonna be okay with this.
Phoebe: It’s for our wedding day! Right, now, is this guy gay or straight, because one of us gonna have to start flirting.
Rachel: Oh God... well, it started about a half hour before the wedding. I was in the room where we were keeping all the presents, and I was looking at this gravy boat. This really gorgeous Lamauge gravy boat. When all of a sudden- (to the waitress that brought her coffee)Sweet 'n' Lo?- I realized that I was more turned on by this gravy boat than by Barry! And then I got really freaked out, and that's when it hit me: how much Barry looks like Mr. Potato Head. Y'know, I mean, I always knew looked familiar, but... Anyway, I just had to get out of there, and I started wondering 'Why am I doing this, and who am I doing this for?'. (to Monica) So anyway I just didn't know where to go, and I know that you and I have kinda drifted apart, but you're the only person I knew who lived here in the city.
Joey: (pouring two glasses) Hey look Ross, you need to understand something okay? I uh I am never gonna act on this Rachel thing, okay? I-I would never do anything to jeopardize my friendship with you. (He hands Ross a glass.)
Phoebe: Wow! Im-Im so happy for you guys. (To Ross) This is so-so, not stupid.
Monica: (to Mike) This doesn't concern you!!
Monica: Yes Phoebe, but this is all I have. Okay? (She pours out the rest of her change purse into the bucket.)
Monica: All right, Rachel, I know-I know you think I'm crazy, please, before you tell him you love him, just-just try to find one person who thinks this is a good idea. Because I bet you, you can't.
Phoebe: Well, its just yknow that something like this would never to like The Hulk, yknow
Amy: Oh, sweety, you can’t pull this off.
Joey: That's it? You're-you're gonna let me do this?! This-this is my career we're talking about here!
Joey: Aww thats nice. Family should be there, huh? This is her wedding, happiest day of her life.
(Just as they're about to leave, Gunther comes out of the back carrying two garbage bags. Larry sees this and stops him.)
Phoebe: Sure, I so glad we did this. It feels so good!
Ross: You know what, I'm sure your wish is gonna come true, but, you guys - just in case, maybe a genie will come out if we rub this lamp! (rubs lamp, stops because it's very hot) Ah!! That thing gets hot!!
Phoebe: Oh my God! Im going out with Eric! Ooh, this day is really gonna be so much better than I thought it was gonna be. Oh Ross, I cant make lunch. (Exits.)
Mischa: Hes says, Walking with you makes this strange city, feel like home.
Monica: (lying down on a mattress) Oh! Ohhhhh! Oh! Phoebe, come here. Aw, this is my new bed. You gotta feel this bad boy.
Rachel: Well, you should be, this is all your fault! You meddled in our relationship!!
Joey: Okay, now uh, in terms of the invite list, Ive got you, me, and Chandler and Im gonna invite Gunther cause, well, weve been talking about this pretty loud.
Monica: Havent we made this decision?
Phoebe: No, its just that he got this new like home theater dealie, and he wants y'know, us to check it out.
Joey: Look I dont know this baby. I dont know if shes a famous artist or not. You know, and I dont want to be a jerk but youre changing too much around here.
Ross: Well, I just made these two things uhm... cheeks. And then I split this to make ears.
Rachel: Oh, come on! This is crazy! Cant we just flip a coin?!
Chandler: Fine, but if we end up not doing this Maxim thing because of this party...
Ross: Hey, yknow what and if youre looking for a place? I just heard in the elevator this morning that a woman in my building died.
Phoebe: Me too. Although this city is my home, so. So thats dumb what I said, dont tell him I said that. Umm, you make something up. (Mischa does so and Sergei kisses her hand.) Nice, (to Mischa) thank you. This is me. Here.
Phoebe: Based on this play? ...Based on this play!
Joey: All right, I should get going, big day a work. Yknow Im in a coma? Today, they do this test on me and it turns out Im not brain dead.
Phoebe: Well, this is none of my business. (starts to walk away)
Chandler: Look at this! (he opens the curtain to a view of New York City)
Chandler: This is the worst bachelor party ever!
JOEY: Check this out. Can I have this?
Rachel: I hate this apartment! I hate the color of these walls! I hate the fact that this place still smells like bird! I hate that singing guy!
Rachel: Ross, I have been walking around like this since the plane! I canyou have so crossed a line. (Heads for the bathroom)
Rachel: All right, yknow what, come on, do we really have to watch this while we eat? (She makes a move for the remote.)
Joey: Well, why dont you tell me what youre supposed to be! Huh? Because I sure as hell cant figure it out! I talk to you and its nothin. You look at me, and nothin. (He kisses her, more passionately this time) Nothing.
Ross: Wait a minute, you guys. Oh, I wanna ask you something. I-I I may get to speak at this paleontology convention and if I do, I'd love for you guys to come and hear me.
Ross: (in his head) Say something clever! (Pause.) Okay, doesnt have to be clever, it just has to be words. Say some words. (Pause) Any words will do. (Pause) Oh my God! This is the longest that anyone has not talked ever! (Pause) There is nothing you can say to make this worse!! So just say something!! (Pause.) (To her) I-I, I uh havent had sex in a very long time. (She leaves.) (In his head) Yeah, you really shouldnt have said anything.
Ross: I cannot believe we're having this conversation.
Ross: Yeah well, he's not gonna get this one. Ben is way cuter than that kid. I mean look at him, look at you, (Starts to whine like a baby and Joey just glares at him.)
Ross: now I feel terrible this is all my fault.
Chandler: (with his arm all the way under the cushion, moving it around) This reminds me of a very specific part of the tape. (Chandler puts the tape in, and they all sit down) Okay, here we go.
Hooker: Oh God! Listen, I am this close to robbing you guys. (Does the close sign.)
Monica: (sees the bed) Whats this?
Joey: Oh yeah-yeah. And I got the duck totally trained. Watch this. Stare at the wall. (The duck complies.) Hardly move. (The duck complies.) Be white. (The duck complies.)
Ross: Come on, I think this is a good thing. I dont think Mom wouldve hired you if she didnt think you were good at what you do.
PHOEBE: Anyway, OK, now promise you won't like, freak out and say how great this is until I'm done, OK.
Phoebe: I may play the fool at times, but Im a little more than a pretty blond girl with an ass that wont quit. (She takes the sweater out of her purse.) I believe this belongs to the father of your baby.
Rachel: Oh my God! I can not believe that! I mean I dont really like it when Ross goes out with anyone, but my sister isnt that like incest or something?! Oh my God, and theyre gonna have sex! Oh! Oh no what if he marries her too?! Oh this is just terrible, this is just terrible. And I cant stop it! I cantI dont own Ross! Yknow? And Jill, she should be able to do whatever it is that she wants to do! And oh my God, I cant believe Ross is marrying my little sister, this terrible. Oh my God, this is just the worst thing that could have ever happened to me.
Rachel: (panics, turns around, picks up the phone, and pretend to talk on it) Hello?! (Listens) Oh, yeah! (To Tag) This is gonna be a while. Excuse me. (Tag leaves and she closes the door behind him, disgustedly.) Yeah!
MR. GELLER: Am I supposed to stand here and listen to this on my birthday?
Phoebe: Oh, just as well, I broke this one.
Monica: Yes you are! That's the only way to explain all this stuff!
Joey: But I-I-I cant stay too long, I gotta get up early for a commercial audition tomorrow and I gotta look good. Im supposed to be playing a 19-year-old. (Everyone stops in their tracks upon hearing this.) What?
Tall Guy: Look, are you dating this girl you came with?
Amy: Is this Emmett? <pointing to EMMA>
Chandler: (grabbing the phone) Of course he has this big huge dog! That uh, barks into the night. (Listens.) Well, who doesn't love dogs? (Thinks.) Ah, he's a tap dancer! (Listens.) Yes, some would say that is a lost art. (Thinks.) He's a pimp! (Listens.) There you go! Yes, he's a pimp. He's a big, tap dancing pimp! (Pause.) Hello?
CHANDLER: What? [realizes it was the bracelet] Oh this is excellent. You know he coulda gotten me a VCR, he coulda gotten me a set of golf clubs, but no, he has to get me the woman repeller, the eyesore from the Liberace house of crap.
Joey: Okay, how did this even happen?
Rachel: Oh, that�s what this is all about? Did you bring her up here to get back at me?
Joey: Uhm... (looks down) Yeah... this uhm... raccoon came in...
Ross: (stares at her through the door and starts pushing the chair harder, looking very annoyed. He finally manages) (sarcastic) I'm sorry, it's almost as if this wasn't built for a quick getaway!
Joey: All right, I have one question. What is the deal with this? (Imitates Ross's 'quiet down' maneuver, but does move his hands up and down he just flaps his hands as if he's waving good-bye.)
PHOEBE: Listen. You are not going to believe this but, that is not me singing on the video.
Monica: Yes! Every year Ross makes the toast, and its always really moving, and always makes them cry. Well this year Im going to make them cry.
Joey: No, no, no, see that's why you have to do this job, agents always lie. You know, Estelle just says stuff like 'They went another way', but this, I can use this. (in a very bad Italian accent) I canna work on a new accent.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's and Ross's, Chandler is entering and when he closes the door Joey pops his head out of the fort like before, but this time he's wearing a cowboy hat.]
Ross: Oh, oh. Oh, oh. Oh this is it. Oh my god it's baby time. Baby time.
Phoebe: (interrupts him) No, no, we don't really have time for this right now. Okay, we have to keep Chandler away from my bedroom.
Joey: Oh my God! I cannot believe you guys are talking about this! The problems in the bedroom are between the man and the woman!!! All right?!! Now Chandler is doing the best he can!!
Joey: Mike, do you take this woman to be your wife?
Rachel: Shoot. Oh, I can't believe I did this!
Rachel: Oh no Dr. Long, please come in. This is Ross, he is the father.
Rachel: Well, I never thought I'd say this, but I'm gonna go use Ugly Naked Guy's bathroom. (Does so.)
SUSIE: Well um, why don't you call me in 20 years and tell me if you're still upset about this. [she leaves with his clothes]
Ross: No-no, I took them from the hotel lobby. Yeah, they think they can charge me for some dirty movie and a bag of Mashuga nuts, they got another think coming. (Starts to leave.) Hey! My sweater! Ive been looking for this for like a month!
Kate: Yeah, I guess. Look, what are we gonna do about this scene, huh?
Monica: Look what I found in the drawer... (Chandler looks up from his book.) And you said I'd never wear this...
MONICA: You have got to get over this. You're not gonna end up alone.
Emily: (Yelling from inside the bathroom) Youve spoiled everything! Its like a nightmare! My friends and family are out there! How can I face them?! How can you do this to me?!
Benjamin: Oh, well, likewise. Actually, not likewise. I've never heard of you until this morning, but, it's nice to be nice!
Phoebe: See no-no, I made a batch and I froze it, and this is the only one left.