words in movies
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment. Only Chandler is there with the videotape in his hands, standing in front of the TV set.]
Joey: All right, fine... But if I enjoy this, you have only yourself to blame... (Chandler turns his back to the TV. Joey puts the tape in the VCR, switches it on and watches what's on the tape... It's clearly a american football match, with the referee's whistle blowing, the crowds cheering...)
Chandler: It's football... It's just football... This is great! This is the first time I've ever enjoyed football... It may be customary to get a beer... (Chandler walks to the fridge, his back turned to the TV and a moaning sound replaces the cheering of the crowd... Joey's eyes double in size...) What the... (Chandler turns around, but Joey already took a sprint for Chandler, jumps, and floors Chandler in the open space in front of the apartment door...) What are you doing?
Monica: What are you guys doing? (Monica hears the moaning coming from the TV and looks at it) Oh my God, is that Richard? (It only takes a split second for Joey to realise, he pulls Monica down by her jacket, and she falls, face down next to Chandler. Chandler gets up a bit, and Joey quickly covers Chandler's eyes with his hand.)
Monica: (turns off the TV) Okay..
JOEY: I can't find the remote. [Phoebe turns off the TV] Thank you.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is watching TV, but turns it off, and Rachel is sleeping on the couch. Ross puts a blanket over her.]
RACHEL: Alright, I feel that this is totally unjustified. [Monica starts making faces behind her back] She gave me the green light, I did nothing but-. Do you think I can't see you in the TV set?
Joey: See, there was kind of a mix up in my agent's office, but I'm still on TV and that's good exposure.
(Chandler enters and sees what they're watching, panics, and runs to turn off the TV.)
Chandler: Muskogee! That's like four hours from Tulsa. Woo hoo! TV announcer: And heres the float with the stars of the popular daytime soap Days of Our Lives .
Phoebe:...Then I've already seen this one! (Turns off the TV.)
[Scene: Chandler and Joeys hotel room. Chandler is watching TV as Joey returns, still wearing his hat.]
Joey: Check it out, Giants-Cowboys. (He has a pocket TV)
(Chandler turns on the TV and )
Chandler: Yeah, we played, we watched TV.. that juggling thing is amazing.
[Scene: Monica and Chandlers, Chandler is sitting on the couch watching TV as Monica comes out of the bathroom.]
Phoebe: All right, fine, fine, but if youre my next victim, dont come back as a poltergeist and like suck me into the TV set.
Dick Clark: (on TV) Hi, this is Dick Clark, live in Times Square. We're in a virtual snowstorm of confetti here in Times Square...
Phoebe: Okay, lesson one: chords. Now, I don't know the actual names of the chords but umm, I-I-I made up names for the way my hand looks while I'm doing them. (She starts to show Joey the chords. Transcribers Note: For this one you'll have to use your imagination, 'cause it would take me 50 pages to describe each one. So if you want to see them, you'll have to wait for this episode to come to a TV near you.) (Holding up her hand and then reconfiguring her hand with each name.) So then, this is Bear Claw. Okay, umm, Turkey Leg and Old Lady. (Joey tries to imitate them.)
Phoebe: (entering) Hey! Whats up? (Sees the TV) Oh my God! What am I doing?!!
Chandler: Well, it sounds kinda stupid... (looks at the TV) Whos she?
[Scene: Ross and Rachels. Rachel is standing in front of the TV holding a video.]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross, Chandler, and the girls are dividing some Chinese takeout, while the sitcom Family Matters is playing on the TV.]
(The scene on TV has changed to show two women, one is holding her hair.)
Monica: No Chandler, you dont understand! (Chandler starts singing the theme for Sanford and Son, an old TV show starring Redd Fox.) Okay! Okay! Okay! Fine! Now you know. Okay? Im yknow Im sick.
[Cut to Rosss apartment, hes watching TV and eating some popcorn as the phone rings.]
Chandler: (browsing through a diary) Well, let me see... I-I believe I'm... yes, falling asleep in front of the TV.
RACHEL: Oh, I know, I know. [Turns on the TV. Joey in on it.]
[Time lapse, all three girls are now wearing wedding dresses, eating popcorn, drinking beer, and watching TV.]
Joey: (sadly) There will come a time in each of your careers when youll have a chance to screw over another soap opera actor. I had such an opportunity in the recent, present. And Im ashamed to say that I took it, I advised a fellow actor to play a role, homosexually. Yeah, we both auditioned for the part, and uh, as it turned out, they ah, they liked the stupid gay thing and cast him. And now, hes got a two year contract opposite Susan Luchhi, the first lady of daytime television, and me, me Im stuck here teaching a bunch of people, most of whom are too ugly to even be on TV. Im sorry, Im sorry, Im sorry. (he gets a huge round of applause from his students.) Thank you.
(Chandler and Joey hold the puck and wave at the TV thing.)
(Phoebe has already hung up, leaving Joey in the dark. So Joey decides to watch some TV and turns on a rerun of Cheers, with the theme song playing. At first, hes happy, but as the song progresses Joey gets depressed and homesick.)
JOEY ON TV: Damnit, I'm a doctor, I'm not God.
Monica: Oh, Ive got it! I have got it! (Gets up and gets something from the dresser underneath the TV.) Pictures from your childhood. This will get you going good!
MONICA: It's my TV.
Woman on TV: Ow! Ow! Ooh! That hurts!
Ross: You know, sometimes when I'm alone in my apartment, I look over here and you guys... are just having dinner or... watching TV or something, but... it makes me feel better. And now when I look over, who am I gonna see? The Gottliebs, the Yangs? They don't make me feel so good. (Joey pats Ross on his back)
Pete: (turns off the TV) Youre taking this all wrong. Because, if I didnt leave you that tip, you wouldnt of come down here, we wouldnt be having this argument, and there wouldnt be this ah, heat between us.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is watching TV.]
(Dan turns on the TV and the Happy Days theme song comes on.)
JOEY: I finally get a part on TV and the monkey's makin' movies.
[Scene: Phoebes, Phoebe and Frank are watching TV.]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is just getting off of the intercom and turns off the TV which is still in the SAP mode.]
TV DOCTOR: You're the only one who can save her Drake.
(She starts pushing the power button on the remote, but it's not facing the TV so it doesn't work.)
Joey: Everything is upside down here! It rains all day long, nobody watches tv and Ross is famous!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe, Monica, and Joey are watching TV.]
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. They're still in their chairs watching TV. Chandler is ordering a pizza.]
CHANDLER: God that is good TV.
Monica: Can we turn the TV off? Okay? Do we really want to spend the entire weekend like this?
Ross: Oh great! That means Im stuck with, "So, we were watching you in there (Points to the TV) and you were sittin right here! Whoa!"
(Monica gets up and shuts off the TV.)
Joey: (on tv) Oh, you said it Mike. (rips open the carton and spills milk on the counter) Aw! There's got to be a better way!
Joey: No! I want an award I did win! But nobodys giving me any of those! PlusHey Rach, if-if I put it up there (Points to the TV) right? When people come over theyll see it and theyll think I won it.
RACHEL: Chandler honey, I'm sorry. Ok, can we watch Joey's show now please? [they turn on the TV]
[Scene: Ross and Rachel's hotel room, Rachel is still trying to get the ink off and Ross is on the phone to the company. Wait a minute, why exactly are they sharing a hotel room? Didn't they like break-up or something? Did I miss a memo? Or maybe, it's just foreshadowing things to come. Who knows? Maybe the answer's at the bottom of the page. Then again, maybe it isn't and it's just one of those things TV writers just don't explain. Anyhoo ]
[Camera pans back from the TV to show the gang watching.]
Monica: (Looking at the TV) You're not on TV.
(Monica enters and Chandler screams stuff at the TV.)
Monica: Oh hey Joey! We've been watching all day, when are you gonna be on TV?
[Time Lapse, Rachel and Ross are watching a TV channel finishes it's broadcast day by playing the national anthem.]
Joey: A little uh, good deed for PBS and a little TV exposure, now that's the kind of math Joey likes to do!
Ross: I was kinda, supposed to be on TV tonight for The Discovery Channel.
Ross: Im afraid the TV Guide comes to Chinandolor Bong.
Joey: Oh, its a new TV show. Yeah. Im up for the part of Mac Macaveli or "Mac." Yeah, Im a detective and I solve crimes with the help of my robot partner. Hes a, hes a Computerized Humanoid Electronically Enhanced Secret Enforcer or-or "C.H.E.E.S.E."
(Goes to the bathroom and Chandler turns on the TV and finds a high-speed police chase.)
JOEY: Oh my God, quick turn off the TV.
Chandler: Nope! Every once and a while I just scream stuff at the TV.
Ross: Hey-hey have you ever locked yourself in a TV cabinet VD boy?!
Mrs. Bing: (on TV) Oh no, I am a fabulous mom! I bought my son his first condoms.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross and Chandler are watching TV as Joey enters.]
Joey: To tape the game? You do this every time Ross, youre not gonna be on TV!
Rachel: I don't know. We were watching TV, and then he pooped in Monica's shoe-
Phoebe: Does anyone wanna watch TV?
Joey: Well, ah, Im an actor. Im fairly neat. I ah, I got my own TV. Oh, and dont worry Im totally okay with the gay thing.
Joey: Well, I'm doing this telethon thing on TV and my agent got me a job as co-host!
Joey: How could this happen to me?! Yesterday I had two TV shows! Today, I got nothin!
Jay Leno: (on TV) Folks, when we come back we'll be talking about her new book, 'Euphoria Unbound': the always interesting Nora Tyler Bing. You might wanna put the kids to bed for this one.
Joey: (entering) Ross! Get a shot of this. (He's carrying an issue of the USA Today and hands Ross the camera.) Hey babies! These are the headlines on the day you were born! Okay, now girl baby turn away and boy babies (Throws the paper away to reveal a copy of Playpen, which is the TV version of Playboy Magazine.) Check it out, huh?! This is what naked women looked like the month you were born. All right, now let's dive right into the good stuff. (Joey opens the magazine and Ross sticks the camera in it.)
Joey: Yeah, so no one touches the remote. And no one touches the TV!
Jay Leno: (on TV) Alright, so now you're doing this whole book tour thing, how is that going?
Monica: Maybe Joey doesnt have to give you the money, TV stars have assistants right?
Phoebe: Cliff, do you really believe that a character from a TV show was here in your room?
Anchorwoman: (on TV) While most of us think of chocolate bunnies and baskets as traditional Easter gifts. Some people insist on giving live chicks as presents. (Joey is intrigued by the idea) Unfortunately, the sad fact remains that most of these little guys wont live to see the fourth of July. (Joey starts to call a place to buy a little baby chick) Because of as a result of improper care, they will be dead.
Monica: (to the lobster) Lucky bastard! (Throws the lobster in and turns around to face the planets most annoying woman, next to Dr. Laura and Kathy Lee Gifford of course. Shes the most annoying female TV character however.) Janice.
Joey: Yeah, I (Shuts off the TV.) I dont want Stevie to see her like this.
(Cut to Joey watching TV in the corner. He makes an extravagant gesture of disappointment.)
Ross: (triumphantly) Im gonna be on TV!!
PHOEBE: I can't believe two cows made the ultimate sacrifice so you guys could watch TV with your feet up.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is watching Yasmein Bleeth running on TV, and the duck starts quacking.]
Jay Leno: (on TV) ...Now what is this about you-you being arrested i-in London? What is that all about?
Joey: Shh, OK, here I come, here I come. See I'm comin' to fix the copier, I can't get to the copier, I'm thinkin' what do I do, what do I do so I just watch 'em have sex. And then I say, wait, here's my line, (Joey from TV) you know that's bad for the paper tray.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is watching TV as Chandler enters.]
Chandler: Hey Joe! I was just watching a movie-e-e (Notices that the TV is turned off.)
Chandler: (sees Kathy is up watching TV) Hi!
Joey and Chandler: Oh no-no-no! (Monica mutes the TV and they tentatively look behind them)
Ross: Every week, the TV Guide comes to Chandler and Joeys apartment. What name appears on the address label?
Chandler: Guys? (They ignore him.) Ive got something important to tell ya. (Still nothing so he walks over and stands in front of the TV.) Guys? (They lean over to try and watch the TV, Chandler mimics them.) Guys?! (Pause) Im gonna ask Monica to marry me.
TV Announcer: Pete Becker is circling the ring now. It looks like, hes just trying to feel him out. Oh, Bruiser is just...
Joey: (laughing and turning off the TV) So, what did you guys think?
[Scene: In a TV commercial that the gang is watching at Monica and Rachel's.]
Chandler: Uh-huh. (He doesn't take his eyes off the TV.)
Phoebe: Me taking care of you is no problem, huh? You guys feel safe. Right? Okay, Im gonna take that spit bubble as, "Yeah, I do!" Okay, after I get rid of this dirty diaper Leslie, Ill set you up with a clean one. (She throws it at the garbage without looking, misses, and knocks over a vase and flowers, which fall to the floor and break.) Okay, Im sorry. I didnt mean to scare you. I just have to clean that up. Okay? Cause lets face it, were at Monicas. (She crawls over, disposes of the diaper, picks up the flowers, and the vase.) I broke it. All right. Well, thats just the way that goes. (She throws out both the flowers and the vase.) Okay, good. (She turns around and only counts two babies.) Why are there only two of you? Where is Leslie? Well, you cant answer. (She starts looking for her) Leslie? Where are you Leslie? Leslie, now would be a good time for your first words! (She turns around and finds that Leslie has managed to crawl into the bottom drawer of the TV cabinet.) Well, look at you! Hey! You are a little bit mischievous! My gosh! (She picks her up and notices a surprise is waiting in the drawer.) Oh, youre a lot mischievous! Well, itll dry. (Closes the drawer with her foot.) (To Leslie) Okay, you sit with your brother and sister nowwho arent there! (They both have disappeared as well.)