words in movies
{Transcribers note: This is where the opening credits are, but theyre not the usual opening credits. Oh no! These credits are based on the world that would have been created had all of the above actually happened. It starts out with all of them at the fountain sitting on the couch as Fat Monica runs up and sits on the arm of the couch, tilting the whole thing towards her. It then goes on to show Rachels still a shop-aholic and with Barry. Fat Monica is sweating while cooking and dancing while eating a donut. Phoebe as the Wall Street shark smoking while on two cell phones. Then theyre dancing in the fountain. Joey entering as Dr. Drake Remoray and meeting a groupie. Chandler trying to write as a bird does its business on his shoulder and falling asleep while typing. Ross doing some kara-tay and trying to get Carol into bed. And finally, some more dancing in the fountain, them all flexing, and the turning out the lamp and shutting off all the lights bit from the first season. Just remember one thing, this is an alternate universe. Everything from every other episode doesnt apply, for instance, Ross and Rachel have no history. And in fact have not seen each other in years in this world.}
Ross: will be two months
Phoebe: Yeah! Or too, you could be two stockbrokers and youre-youre-youre rolling around naked on the trading floor and everybodys watching! (Ross looks at her.) It never happened.
Chandler: Oh just great. He beeps me now with codes. One is, "Bring me food." Two is, "Im with a girl, bring us food." Three is, "Im lost and I cant find food."
Carol: Yeah! And maybe someday we could get a place with two bathrooms.
(He goes to turn off a machine. Suddenly, Dr. Drake Remoray appears at the door with two cops!)
Ross: Oh. (He takes the notepad she was using and looks at it.) Wow! (Flips to another page.) Huh. (Flips another page.) Boy! (Flips another page.) Well, someones been doing their homework. (Flips two more pages.)
Phoebe: What are you two girls whispering about over there?!
Joey: Huh. But still Ross, youre worst day with two women, pretty much better than any other day! Yknow what I mean?
Chandler: Yeah! When you were talking about Roger, that was killing me! Look, things like last night they dont just happen. Yknow? Or at least not to me. Or with the other two women, in the morning yknow I was just lying there and I couldnt wait to just go hang out with my friends, but with you I always yknow with a friend.
Chandler: No, there were two.
It only takes two heart attacks to finally make you see One of them wont do it, but the second one will set you free Tell all your hate and anger, its time to say good-bye And that is just what I will do, soon as those bastards I work for die! La, la-la-la, la-la-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la
Ross: Oh thank God, I thought she had two heads.
Ross: We said it was only going to be two weeks, yknow?
[Scene: Central Perk, time lapse. Phoebe is now looking at the covers of two different books.]
Joey: Im gonna be on two TV shows!
[Scene: Rachels bedroom, Rachel is entering carrying two glasses of wine. She gives one to Phoebe, keeps one, and completely ignores Monica.]
Aurora: So... which one of the two guys will you listen to?
Rachel: Okay. Now this is just the first chapter, and I want your absolute honest opinion. Oh, oh, and on page two, he's not 'reaching for her heaving beasts'.
Ross: Oh, that is so sweet.(listens) No, no, ok, you hang up. Ok, ok, one, two, three.(He doesn't hang up and motions for Rachel to be quiet.) Well you didn't hang up either.
Rachel: So. I just thought the two of us should hang out for a bit. I mean, you know, we've never really talked. I guess you'd know that, being one of the two of us, though, right?
CHAN: And weenie number two has it. Unless, of course, nine-down, Knights in White Satin was sung by the Doody Blues.
Janice: So? Congratulations you two, I didnt even know you got married.
Chandler: Eh, forget about the future and stuff! So we only have two kids, yknow? Well pick our favorite and that one will get to go to college.
Joey (to Chandler): Look, c'mon, please? It's not like I'm asking for some crazy favour. This is what I do for a living. I am a professional actor! (he glances at his watch and sees the time) Oh, man, I'm two hours late for work! (he stands, ready to go). Look, here's a copy of my reels. It's got all the commercials that I've been in.
Janice: Oh hi! Well, I guess that's two out of three, Joey. (Laughs and exits.)
Monica: No fair. I don't even have one. How come they get two?
Phoebe: Well did she know you two werent married?
Monica: Okay if Mike were here what would the two of you be doing?
Joey: It's two gifts in one. It's a pen that's also a clock! Huh?
Joey: Yeah, yknow at first I thought we could talk about this yknow, work it out, but uh, seeing you two together I dont think I
Chandler: Yeah, but that's like two blocks away from the beach. I mean, it's a total party zoo.
[Scene: Central Perk. Monica and Phoebe are sitting ignoring each other. Rachel walks up with two pieces of cake.]
Ross: Well, this is ironic. Of your last two boyfriends, Richard didnt want to have kids, and from the looks of it, now Pete cant.
PHOEBE: No. No, he is my submaring guy. He resurfaces like every couple years and we have the most amazing three days together. Only this time he's coming for two weeks. Two whole weeks, which means yay.
Paul: Two years.
Monica: Of course it was! Trust me, when it comes to psychology I know what I'm talking about. I took two psych classes in college.
RACH: Ohh, well, isn't that just lovely. That's something the two of you will be able to enjoy for a really, really, really, really, really long time.
PHOEBE: Listen to you two. It's so sad. Looks like I'm gonna be going to the goddess meetings alone.
JOEY: Likewise. Uh, I'll take that. [grabs moose hat] It's what I came for. So, this is new. Where'd you two meet?
(She goes into her bedroom, and sees Richard who has covered the room in roses and has two glasses of wine and a rose between his lips.)
Phoebe: Hey Mon umm, if you do get married, can I bring two guests?
Janine: No! Of course we can still hang out with them. Just yknow, not two nights in a row. Okay?
RACHEL: So wait, this guy goes down for like two years at a time?
Ross: Yeah, I'm a friend of Rachel Green's. Uhm, actually we met at the Christmas party about two years ago.
{Transcribers Note: Elizabeth has two friends in the room with her who are named in the credits, but not in this scene. So Im just gonna guess since it doesnt matter one way or the other. (The last part is to discourage e-mails, who cares if I got it right or not?)}
Rachel: Come on, its a hypnosis tape. This woman at work used it for two weeks straight and she hasnt smoked since.
Rachel: Yeah. And yknow who shouldve shut their drapes? Is that perverted old couple two doors over.
Rachel: Ok... I got a spider. There were two, I picked the bigger one.
CHANDLER: Uh, two larges, extra cheese on both. But listen, don't ring the buzzer for 19, ring 20, Geller-Green, they'll let you in, OK. If you buzz our door, there's no tip for you. OK, thanks. Pizza's on the way. I told you we wouldn't have to get up.
[Scene: The hallway between the two apartments. Chandler comes home.]
Joey: All right. Okay. Well this is the same kind of deal. If youre going to do something wrong, (He grabs two steaks from the freezer) do it right!
Phoebe: You remember her from my birthday party two years ago. Shes yeah, like, average height, medium build, bald...
Will: Look at her standing there with those yams! My two greatest enemies Ross: Rachel Green and complex carbohydrates.
Phoebe: So-so you two were married huh? What happened? You just drift apart?
Chandler: Joey told me, he saw you two kissing.
Ross: And for the record, it took two people to break up this relationship!!
Monica: Well, theyre just gonna have to wait arent they? Ive only got two hands!!
Rachel: You know, when two people have a connection, you know, that's... just seems like such a... waste.
Rachel: OK... see your two... and I raise you twenty. (throws it in)
Mr. Geller: No! Thank you! (Hugs Chandler) Monica, and Ross! I dont know what Im gonna do about the two of you!
Fake Monica: I thought that movie was so incredibly... boring. I mean, that thing at the end where the kid kills himself because he can't be in the play? What was that?! It's like, kid, wait a year, leave home, do some community theatre. I walked out of there and I thought, 'Now, that's two hours of my life that I'm never getting back.' And that thought scared me more than all the other crap I was afraid to do.
Phoebe: OK, I just need two... the, um, ten of spades and the six of clubs.
Chandler: Well now you have two. Hey, I am good at math.
Chandler: Okay, so I guess thats about ah, two weeks before the topless thing kicks in.
Ross: Come on, two on one.
Phoebe: Well, yeah, because I have to break up with someone, and Okay so Jason is sensitive, (holds up one finger) but now sos Vince (holds up one finger on her other hand) Plus, Vince has the body y'know? (holds up two more fingers on the Vince side) So Its really just about the math.
Phoebe: Uh-huh, yeah thats too bad. I really want to go to his concert Friday night, but its totally sold out. I know! Why dont you meet him and get tickets?! If you get two Ill take you.
[Scene: Ross walks in the hallway to his apartment and stops in front of his own door. Now he hears two recorders playing a song. When he enters, Sandy and Joey are playing the recorder and Rachel listens.]
JOEY: I'm fine with it, I mean, if you're OK watching a video filled with two nippled people. [Chandler puts the tape in]
Chandler: We talked 'til like two. It was this perfect evening... more or less.
Ross: I can't belive you two had sex in her dream.
Chandler: Well maybe you're going about this the wrong way. You know I mean think about it. Single white male, divorced three times,two illegitimate children. The personal ad writes itself....
Joey: Yknow what I think? I think somebodys got a little crush on Casey. How bout I fix you two up? What do you think?
Monica: So wait, Rosss stuff is fine, but I have no memories because you wanted to keep the bottom two inches of your car away from water!!!
Ross: Youre gonna love me so much. I got Sting tickets!! (Holds up two.)
DUNCAN: Well, I've never told you this but, there were one or two times, back in college, when I'd get really drunk, go to a straight bar and wake up with a woman next to me. But I, I, I told myself it was the liquor and e-everyone experiments in college.
Phoebe: Well thats only two days away. What is the other option?
Rachel: No, I have two sisters. But one of them has a very masculine energy.
Rachel: Oh come on, what are you talking about? Youve got three years painting houses. Two whole summers at T.G.I. Fridays, come on!
Ross: I bet two dollars. (throws it in)
Joey: Thank you all for coming. We're here today to pay respects to a wonderful agent and a beautiful woman... (Joey looks at the photograph) ..inside. As Estelle's only two clients we would like to say a few words. (Joey looks for his notes. The man next to him is chewing something.) Dude, where's my speech? (the man swallows something and looks at Joey.) That is entertaining. Al Zebooker everybody. (he applauds and Al shows that there's nothing left in his mouth.)
Chandler: Okay, I thought of the joke two months ago at lunch with Steve.
Monica: No fair. I don't even have one. How come they get two?
Chandler: Weirder than watching his two moms make out? (Monica nods in agreement.)
Chandler: Theres gonna be a wedding. Youre gonna be the bride. Two hundred people are going to be looking at you in a clean white dress.
Ross: Marcel, c'mere, c'mere. (He sits down and Marcel jumps down and sits beside him) Well buddy, this is it. There's just a coupla things I want to say. I'm really gonna miss you, and I'm never gonna forget about you. You've been more than just a pet to me, you've been more like a be- (Marcel climbs down and starts humping his leg) Okay, Marcel, please, could you leave my leg alone? Could you just stop humping me for two seconds?! Marcel, would- okay, just take him away. Just take him.
Ross: Why does Joanna need two assistants, how, how lazy is she?
Rachel: Oh, if I only want two kids, can I keep him for another year?
Ross: Yeah, its hard okay, I only have two spots left.
[Scene: The Medical Research office, Joey is there with Carl in the waiting room. Two identical twins come out and both wave by at the same time.]
(Just as they're about to leave, Gunther comes out of the back carrying two garbage bags. Larry sees this and stops him.)
JOEY: Alright, you're on. I can take two minutes out of my day to kick your ass.
Ross: Yeah. Do that for another two hours, you might be where I am right about now. (He enters.)
Joey: Yeah. I'm thinking, if we put our heads together, between the two of us, we can break them up.
Rachel: Me too. Oh, I'm just sorry I'm not gonna be around to watch you two attempt to handle this! Alright, I can't say goodbye to you guys again. I love you all so much.
JOEY: It's my VISA bill. Envelope one of two. That can't be good.
Erica: Well, there is a chance it's another guy. I mean, I have only ever been with two guys, but they sorta overlapped.
Chandler: It's OK. It's OK. I was always rooting for you two kids to get together.
Phoebe: Have you two, you know... like... you know... you know... yet?
Monica: So I, I told Rachel it was just gonna be the two of us.
Rachel: Ohh... (Ross mouths HA-HA at Monica and takes two cookies and she looks at him angrily)
Phoebe: All right, everyone calm down! Everyone calm down! I have something that I would like to say! Who here likes Ross? (Ross is the only one who raises his hand and Phoebe glares at him to put his hand back down.) Of course you don't like him! He-he didn't give you any money, he raised his own hand when I asked, "Who hear likes Ross," and he's wearing two nametags! (He takes one off.) I-I'll be honest with you guys, when I first met Ross I didn't like him at all! But then once I got to know him I saw that he's really sweet and caring and very generous. I mean, all I'm saying is don't judge Ross before you get to know him all right? I mean, I like all you guys now, but when I first meet you y'know Kurt, I thought, y'know abrasive drunk, umm Lola, mind numbingly stupid! And okay, you guys (She turns to an elderly gentleman and a 20 something woman, who're a couple.) (To the girl) Gold-digger, (To the old guy) cradle robbing perv! So, I think you all know what I mean.
PHOEBE: Hey now you have two. [Chandler looks annoyed] Oh, now you have two.
JOEY: But this is a two line part, it's like takin' a step backwards. I'm not gonna do this.
Judge: Well, based on what I heard, you two certainly dont qualify for an annulment. If you two dont want to be together youll have to file for divorce.
Frannie: Are you kidding? I take credit for Paul. Y'know before me, there was no snap in his turtle for two years.
Sarah: So thats two boxes of the Holiday Macaroons. On behalf of the Brown Birds of America, I salute you. (Does the Brown Bird salute, she blows on a bird call, then holds her hand, palm facing out, next to her face, and then waves it like a bird flapping its wings.)
Mr. Waltham: (drunkenly) The next tour of the wine cellar will plan in two in-in minutes
Monica: I need two. Im bringing Pete. My boyfriend. I have a boyfriend now!
[Scene: Riff's, Phoebe is entering. Ursula returns with two plates of chicken, but she only has time to set one on the table, when...]
Dr. Long: Okay! All your tests look fine. Now, are you two interested in knowing the sex of the baby?