words in movies
[Scene: A Theater, the gang is in the audience wating for a play of Joey's to start.]
(The lights go up on the stage, Joey, as Freud, is talking to a female patient.)
Joey: Vell, Eva, ve've done some excellent vork here, and I vould have to say, your pwoblem is qviiite clear. (He goes into a song and dance number.)
All you want is a dingle, What you envy's a schwang, A thing through which you can tinkle, Or play with, or simply let hang...
Chandler: (staring at a woman across the room) Ross, ten o'clock.
Chandler: (sighs and gestures to explain) There's a beautiful woman at eight, nine, ten o'clock!
Rachel: Oh, c'mon. She's a person, you can do it!
Ross: He could never get a woman like that in a million years.
(Joey enters from behind a curtain. The others all talk at once.)
All: Hey! You're in a play! I didn't know you could dance! You had a beard!
All: ...Hey! You're in a play! I didn't know you could dance! You had a beard!
Chandler: (running back) She said yes!! She said yes!! (To Joey) Awful play, man. Whoah. (To All) Her name's Aurora, and she's Italian, and she pronounces my name 'Chand-lrr'. 'Chand-lrr'. I think I like it better that way. (To Joey) Oh, listen, the usher gave me this to give to you. (He fishes a card out of his pocket.)
Phoebe: (reading Monica's palm) No, 'cause this line is passion, and this is... just a line.
(A flashback of Aurora and Chandler on their date in Central Perk is denoted by italics.)
Aurora: ...All of a sudden we realised we were in Yammon.
Chandler: So explain something to me here, uh, what kind of a relationship do you imagine us having if you already have a husband and a boyfriend?
Monica: Didn't you listen to the story? I mean, this is twisted! How could you get involved with a woman like this?
Joey: When I'm with a woman, I need to know that I'm going out with more people than she is.
Ross: Well, y'know, monogamy can be a, uh, tricky concept. I mean, anthropologically speaking-
Ross: Alright. There's a theory, put forth by Richard Leakey-
Monica: Yeah, yeah, it's interesting.. but y'know what? Just for fun, let's see what it looked like in the old spot. (She moves it.) Alright, just to compare. Let's see. Well, it looks good there too. Let's just leave it there for a while.
Phoebe: Yeah, you are, Monica. Remember when I lived with you? You were like, a little, y'know, (psycho) Ree! Ree! Ree! Ree!
Monica: Okay, so I'm responsible, I'm organised. But hey, I can be a kook.
Ross: Because you're a kook! Instead you wait until they send you a notice.
Chandler: Someone's left a glass on the coffee table. There's no coaster. It's a cold drink, it's a hot day. Little beads of condensation are inching their way closer and closer to the surface of the wood...
Joey: (on phone) Uh huh.. uh huh... oh my God! Okay! Okay, I'll be there! (He hangs up and to all.) That was my agent. (He tosses and catches the phone.) My agent has just gotten me a job...in the new Al Pacino movie!
Joey: C'mon, you guys. This is a real movie, and Al Pacino's in it, and that's big!
Joey: Okay, okay, fine! Make jokes, I don't care! This is a big break for me!
Chandler: Oh, that would be Monica. Hey, listen, I wanna borrow a coupla things, Aurora spent the night, I really wanna make her breakfast.
Rachel: Ooh, do I sense a little bit of resentment?
Chandler: No, no resentment, believe me, it's worth it. 'Kay? Y'know in a relationship you have these key moments that you know you'll remember for the rest of your life? Well, every- single- second is like that with Aurora.. and I've just wasted about thirty-five of them talking to you people, so, uh.. Monica, can you help me with the door? (He has armloads of stuff.)
Monica: Sure. Oh, um, Chandler? Y'know, the-the old Monica would-would remind you to scrub that Teflon pan with a plastic brush...But I'm not gonna do that.
[Scene: A Film Set, Joey is entering for his scene.]
(Joey starts to the shower with a grim, determined look on his face.)
Ross: It felt like a 'big guy' moment.
Ross: She is a kook.
Monica: (hums for a while, then gives up, and in her head) If it bothers you that much, just go out and get the shoes. No. Don't do this. This is stupid! I don't have to prove anything, I'm gonna go get them...But then everyone will know. Unless I get them, and then wake up really early and put them back! ...I need help! (She buries her head in her pillow.)
Joey: What, are you crazy? When a blind man gets his sight back, does he walk around like this? (Joey closes his eyes and walks around with arms spread.)
Joey: Man, hell of a two weeks, huh? Y'know what, though? I really feel like I learned something.
Monica: I'd rather hang out with a sniveling work weasel guy when I can be hanging out with my boyfriend who I actually respect.
Emily: Oh, no-no-no, thats not rude! Its perfectly in keeping with a trip that Ive already been run down by one of your wiener carts, and been strip-searched at John F. Kennedy Airport, apparently to you people, I look like someone whos got a balloon full of cocaine stuffed up their bum.
Rachel: Would you excuse me, please? I'm trying to have a date here.
Carl: I mean, come on, buddy, get a real car!
Ross: Rachel, come on. Give us a chance.
Rachel: Well... he happens to be a very nice... guy....
Rachel: I forgot... I am supposed to pick up a friend at the airport. I am so sorry! I'm so... if you want to stay, and finish your drinks, please do.... (gives him her drink) I meanI'm sorry. I-I-I gotta go. I'm sorry.
Ross: Hey, I married a lesbian to make you look good!
Rachel: Ok, well, not a problem. We'll just use them to stop the bleeding. Ok. Baggage claim? Ok.
MONICA: There's a game?
Rachel: Okay. Okay fine, yknow what? We will let Ross and Joey decide. (Ross enters.) (In a sexy voice.) Hiiiii, Ross! Sweetie.
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is eyeing a beautiful woman at the counter, and Joey and Chandler are egging him on to go talk to her. No pun intended. I mean it.]
Julie: Hi, but I'm not here, you haven't met me. I'll make a much better first impression tomorrow when I don't have 20 hours of cab and plane on me.
Ross: Well, we just wanted to say a quick hi, and then we're gonna go see the baby.
Ross: Look, you were right. She looks at me and sees a friend, that's all. But then I met Julie, and I don't know, we're havin' a great time. And I have to say, I never would've gone for it with her if it hadn't been for you.
Nurse: All right, all right, there's a few too many people in this room, and there's about to be one more, so anybody who's not an ex-husband or a lesbian life partner, out you go!
Chandler: He said...he said, he said that they're having a great time. I'm sorry. But, the silver lining, if you wanna see it, is that he made the decision all by himself! Without any outside help whatsoever.
Monica: Rach, that's great! It's so good that you had a good time in Greece!
Joey: (answering the phone) Hello? Oh, hi. Yeah, hold on a second. Ross, it's Julie, for you. (Throws him the phone.)
Chandler: (entering) Hi. Anybody know a good tailor?
Chandler: No, no, I'm just looking for a man to draw on me with chalk.
Monica: Phoebe, that's how it starts. I don't need to eat the cake, I'll just smell the icing... why don't I just eat a little sliver, or, okay, just a slice or two. And next thing you know, you're 210 pounds and you get wedged in going down the tunnel slide. Phoebe, honey, I know this is hard. Look, if you talk to him, you're going to wanna see him. And if you see him, you're going to want to get back together with him. I know that's not what you want. (pause) Give me your phone.
Monica: Well maybe we can make a, a, a 'B' out of one of those roses.
Rachel: Well, I sorta did a stupid thing last night.
Monica: (to Phoebe) Please, just a little bit off the back.
Rachel: (poking her head in from her bedroom) Uh, morning. Do you guys think you could close your eyes for just a sec?
Rachel: Oh God, I know I'm a pathetic loser.
Rachel: Yeah, he's back. Is that a problem?
Rachel: Good! I'm glad it's not a problem.
Ross: No, not a problem.
Erica: Yeah, I read some great applications, but then I thought “who better then a minister to raise a child!”
Phoebe: All right. (Talking to Monica's hair.) Now some of you are gonna get cut, and some of you aren't. But I promise none of you are gonna feel a thing.
Monica: I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Phoebe. It's just a little shorter than what we had discussed.
Phoebe: Well, he was a he in Arthur, and in Ten.
Monica: Demi Moore is not a he.
RICHARD: Wow. Well being a huge Knicks fan myself, I think you should take someone who's a huge Knicks fan.
Phoebe: It's too soon to tell. She's resting, which is a good sign.
(He slowly measures it up his leg, and Chandler makes a rather surprised face.)
Ross: I like it. I do, I think it's a Ten. (Chandler laughs.)
Rachel: Well, can I talk to you for a sec?
Ross: Ok. Well, before I say anything, I just need to know, is this one of those things where you break up with a guy, and then I tell you what I think, and then the next day you get back together with the guy, and I look like a complete idiot?
Ross: (to Joey) So? What do you think? (Shows himself - Joey observes him with a strange look on his face.)
Ross: Well, then, I think, I think the guy is scum. I hate him. I mean I actuallyI-I physically hate him. I always have. You are way too good to be with a guy like that.
Ross: And is a hum, kinda like a scruddle?
Monica: (entering from her bedroom carrying a present) Ok, these were unbelievably expensive, and I know he's gonna grow out of them in like, 20 minutes, but I couldn't resist. (There a little pair of Nike shoes.)
Phoebe: I'm not gonna lie to you, Ross, it doesn't look good. I put a clip on one side, which seems to have stopped the curling.
Phoebe: Wait, wait, I'm getting a deja vu...no, I'm not.
Chandler: Somebody wanna help me, tryin' to rip out my heart. (they pull her hand off of him) Uh, that's great. (looking around) Anybody seen a nipple?
Ross: This is my son having lunch, ok? It's gonna happen a lot, so you'd better get used to it. Now if you have any problem with it, if you're uncomfortable, just ask questions. Carol's fine with it, now come on.
Rachel: (to Julie) Thank you. (under her breath to Chandler) What a bitch.
Phoebe: Monica, she will kill you. She will kill you like a dog in the street.
Monica: It's gonna be a problem, isn't it?
[Scene: A Department Store, Joey is selling men's cologne.]
Ross: It's a big deal to me. This is great, Monica. I really appreciate this.
Monica: Yeah, uh, it's actually not that big a deal.
Joey: (A guy walks by) Bijan for men? (Another guy walks by) Bijan for men? (Another guy walks by) Bijan for men? (An attractive woman walks by.) Hey Annabelle.
Joey: Well, he's gonna. I'll see you a little later, ok? (To the Hombre Man) Hey, how ya doin'?
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is walking from the bathroom to his bedroom and walks past a pile of Rachels laundry, which just happens to include a selection of panties. He stops, goes back to the basket, looks for Rachel, picks up a lavender thong, and heads for his bedroom. However, he decides he doesnt like his selection and goes back this time picking up a red low-cut silk brief and heads for his room, flexing along the way to prove his masculinity.]
Monica: You had a salad.
Phoebe: I went shopping with Monica all day, and I had a salad.
Susan: Honey, relax. Ross is great with him. (Ross looks at her.) Don't look so surprised. I'm a lovely person.
Ross: Carol, we've been through this before, ok? We have a good time. We laugh, we play. It's like we're father and son.
[They go into the apartment. Inside the apartment it looks like a sewage dump exploded and landed in her living room. There are clothes and food and junk covering every square inch of space. I mean pigs have nicer pens. Ross is completely shocked.]
Rachel: Well, first of all, Paulo and I are not back together. It was just a stupid thing I did, and if I could go back in time and do it again, well, I wouldn't. Um, second of all (Ross is laughing), what?
Ross: Not even if Carol's breast had a picture of a missing child on it.
CHANDLER: I don't know, Richard's really nice and everything, uh, it's just that we don't know him really well, ya know, and plus he's, ya know, old [Monica gives him a glare] -er than some people, but, uh, younger than some buildings.
Monica: (on the phone) Hi, who's this? (Listens) Hi, Joanne. Is Rachel working? It's Monica. (Listens) Yes, I know I did a horrible thing. (Listens) Joanne, it's not as simple as all that, ok? (Listens) No, I don't care what Steve thinks. (Listens) Hi, Steve.
(There's a knock on the door which is answered by Phoebe.)
Carol: Ross, you're being silly. I've tried it, it's no big deal. Just taste it. (Holding out a bottle.)
Joey: Or maybe it's because this guy's doing so good they wanna put more people on it. (Chandler pours some juice in a glass.) You should see this guy, Chandler, he goes through two bottles a day.
Chandler: All right. Now go see Miss Kitty and she'll fix you up with a nice hooker.
Rachel: Oh, no problem. You can borrow it, by the way. (Puts her hand in the pocket) Here are your keys, hon. (She takes the keys out, sets them on the counter, and notices she also grabbed a receipt.)
Phoebe: No! No! Its-its uh a real thing! Anyone can get ordained on the Internet and perform like weddings and stuff!
Hombre Man: I'm sorry. I am such a doofus. I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry.
Joey: Clear the tracks for the boobie payback express. Next stop: Rachel Green. (He goes into the bathroom. We hear a scream and he comes out, closely followed by Monica in a towel)
(They walk off into the sunset, at least a picture of one.)
Rachel: So. I just thought the two of us should hang out for a bit. I mean, you know, we've never really talked. I guess you'd know that, being one of the two of us, though, right?
Julie: Thanks. Hey, listen, would you like to go to a movie sometime or something?
Rachel: Bye. (After Julie exits.) What a manipulative bitch.
Ross: (with a mouthful) That's not bad.
Chandler: No! (Calls) Danielle, hi! It's, uh, it's Chandler! (Listens) I'm fine. Uh, listen, I don't know if you tried to call me, because, uh, idiot that I am, I accidentally shut off my phone. (Listens) Oh, uh, okay, that's fine, that's great. (Listens) Okay. (Puts down the phone.) (to Monica) She's on the other line, she's gonna call me back. (He starts doing a little jig.) She's on the other line, she's gonna call me back, she's on the other line, gonna call me back...
JOEY: That was a good one. For a second there, I was like, "whoa."
JOEY: Hold it hold it. I gotta side with Chandler on this one. When I first moved to the city, I went out a couple of times with this girl, really hot, great kisser, but she had the biggest Adam's apple. It made me nuts.
PHOEBE: You name one woman that you broke up with for a real reason.
Rachel: (reading what he wrote again) "Dear Rach, youre a great person. Sorry about your tiney-wienie." (Will laughs.)
PHOEBE: I don't know, it's just, you know...monkeys, Darwin, you know, it's a, it's a nice story, I just think it's a little too easy.
PHOEBE: I'm sorry, but sometimes they need help. That's fine. Go ahead and scoff. You know, there're a lot of things that I don't believe in, but that doesn't mean they're not true.
Paul: Well, ever-ev-... ever since she left me, um, I haven't been able to, uh, perform. (Monica takes a sip of her drink.) ...Sexually.
(Ross starts to laugh, and then makes a face like 'Why did I just say that?' Ross' ex-wife, Carol, and her lesbian lover, Susan, enter the restaurant. Ross stares at them.)
Ross: What? A dog? No! Rachel gets to choose.
RACHEL: Yes you do. You think of it as your apartment, and I'm just somebody who rents a room.
RACHEL: Ok, while you "mmm" on it for awhile, I'm gonna go find a place for my new lamp.
Rachel: Oh my god. Oh my god. (She decides to make a break for it.) Excuse me. Move! Move! Emergency! Excuse me! (She tries climbing over a bench and falls down.)
Ross: Y'see, that's where you're wrong. Why would I marry her if I thought on any level thatthat she was a lesbian?
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment, Joey is trying to turn the sofabed back into a sofa. Someone knocks on the door and it rears up at him.]
JOEY: Chandler, Heckles was a nut case.
[Time Lapse, Rachel and Ross are watching a TV channel finishes it's broadcast day by playing the national anthem.]
JANICE: Is it yours? Ha! You wish, Chandler Bing. You are looking at a married lady now.