words in movies
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is giving Rachel, Chandler, Phoebe, and Ross their bills.]
Joey: Okay Rach, that muffin and espresso, $4.50. Ross, double latte, $2.75. Chandler, coffee and a scone, $4.25. And Pheebs, herbal tea, $1.25. So, all together thats (pauses to figure the total) $12.75.
Woman: How much do I owe you for the muffin and the latte?
Woman: Oh great! Well, tell him thanks. And since uh, Joey seems like such a nice guy, maybe we could go on a date sometime?
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, everyone but Monica is there playing Monopoly.]
Phoebe: Oh I do! (She grabs her huge purse and starts rummaging through it and taking out various items in a futile search for the gum.) Oh, yknow what? No. (Pause) Wait a second. (She removes a bag filled with water that has a goldfish swimming in it.) I know its in here somewhere.
Monica: Im not sick!! I dont get sick! Getting sick is for weaklings and for pansies!
(Theres a knock on the door. The gang is stunned and Phoebe counts to make sure that everyone is there. Out of curiosity Chandler goes and answers the door.)
(They run and hug each other.)
Rachel: And you know Monica and Ross!
Rachel: And thats Phoebe (points), and thats Joey.
Jill: And yknow what I said to him? "Im gonna hire a lawyer and Im gonna sue you and take all your money. Then Im gonna cut you off!"
Jill: That he wouldnt pay for my lawyer! Then he told me to come here and learn about the value of money from the one daughter hes actually proud off.
Rachel: Jill, honey, I think this is the best thing that couldve ever happened to you. I mean you needed to get out on your own anyway! And you know when I did it, I-I-I at first I was scared, and look at me now! Im the only daughter dad is proud of! Okay, well this is, this is what youre gonna do. Youre gonna get a job, youre gonna get an apartment, and then Ill help you and you can stay with us. Right Pheebs, she can stay with us?
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is working as Phoebe and Ross are sitting on the couch.]
Joey: Great! (Joey takes his cookie and finishes it.)
Gunther: Okay, here are the tips for this morning. Jen gets 50, 50 for me, and Joey owes eight dollars.
Joey: (to a woman who came in third in a modeling contest) Sorry! (He grabs her muffin away and returns it to the serving tray.)
Jill: Oh please, I memorized those numbers when I was 15. But look at all the cool make-it-on-my-own stuff I got! (Holds up a red sweater) This is my "Please, hire me" sweater. (Holds up a pair of black pants) And these are my, "Dont you want to rent me this apartment?" pants.
Jill: No! They did! (Points to Phoebe and Ross)
Phoebe and Ross: Yeah, we went shopping!
Rachel: You went shopping?! What, and then you just came in here and paraded it right under Jills nose when you know shes trying to quit. Wow, you guys are terrible!
Phoebe: And, and then I got uh, these are apartment pants.
Jill: (covers her eyes and starts crying) Im sorry Rachel, Im sorry
Rachel: All right, its okay. One little setback is okay, just dont let it happen again, all right? Now since daddy paid for all this stuff, I should take it all away. But Im just gonna take the-the pajmena. (Ross hands it to her.) And the uh, and the uh pants. Yknow what, Im just gonna take it all away, cause that way youll just really learn the lesson. Okay? All righty, Im gonna run a couple of errands and I will see you at dinner. (Leaves with all of Jills stuff.)
Ross: Oh yeah, how about you and the, (mimics her fake cry) "Im sorry!"
Phoebe: (gets up and sits between them) Okay-okay, why dont I sit here and youll both stop it!
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is still very sick and is entering the living room from the bathroom wearing a robe. Chandler is reading a magazine.]
Chandler: I know, lets rest and drink lots of fluids. (Holds up a glass of orange juice.)
[Scene: Phoebe and Rachel's, Rachel is putting away her new clothes as Phoebe enters.]
Rachel: Well, itd better not be about the apartment pants, because I just pitched the idea to my boss at Ralph Lauren and she loved it.
Phoebe: No. No. Its just I was umm, I was with Ross and Jill after you left and umm, Im pretty sure I saw a little spark between them.
Rachel: With Ross and Jill?
Rachel: With Ross and my sister?
Rachel: With my sister Jill and my ex-boyfriend Ross?
Rachel: Oh my God! I can not believe that! I mean I dont really like it when Ross goes out with anyone, but my sister isnt that like incest or something?! Oh my God, and theyre gonna have sex! Oh! Oh no what if he marries her too?! Oh this is just terrible, this is just terrible. And I cant stop it! I cantI dont own Ross! Yknow? And Jill, she should be able to do whatever it is that she wants to do! And oh my God, I cant believe Ross is marrying my little sister, this terrible. Oh my God, this is just the worst thing that could have ever happened to me.
Jill: Oh no! But I just walked past three sales and I didnt go in. How strong am I?
Jill: Yeah but maybe thats a good thing. Yknow Im doing all these different sorts of things, and maybe I should try dating a geek too!
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler has fallen asleep reading a book. Monica calls from the bedroom and wakes him up.]
Chandler: Oh what is it honey, you need some tea? Some soup? (He gets up from the couch and goes into the bedroom to find Monica, still in the robe, lying seductively on the bed. Or at least shes trying too and as he enters the room, she takes the robe off on of her legs.) Oh-ohhhh!
Chandler: I was asleep. (She takes off her robe and starts to shiver) Oh no! No-no honey! Yknow whats sexy? Layers. Layers are sexy. And blankets are sexy. And oh! Hot water bottles are sexy.
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is singing Happy Birthday to yet another good-looking woman. Gunther is watching and is not very happy.]
Joey: (overhearing them) Oh-ho, and mine!
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is still sick and is hobbling out into the living room for some help from Chandler whos on the couch reading.]
(To start this task, she lowers the top of her robe to reveal that she is naked from the waist up, well at least her back is, and starts to rub on the gunk. Chandler notices this, and has something start happening. Ill let you fill in the blank here.)
Chandler: Its all very, very good. (She covers up and sits down.) So you wanna go uh, mix it up?
Jill: This is where Ross and I are meeting for our date. So, what do you think? (She spins to show Rachel the outfit shes wearing.)
Ross: Hi (sees Rachel and forgets her name for a moment).
Rachel: Yeah I know, and I bet you thought it would be weird. But its not!
(Rachel laughs a little too hard as Ross and Jill leave for their date. After they have left, Rachel starts to break down.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Rachel enters and walks quickly over to the window to watch Rosss apartment. We see that Rosss apartment is empty.]
Chandler: (on phone) Yes, Fran. I know what time it is, but I'm looking at the WENUS and I'm not happy!
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment, Chandler is there talking to the chick and duck.]
Joey: I want this part so much! Yknow? If I dont get this part Im never gonna eat Macaroni and Cheese again!No, I didnt say that! Thats a lie.
(The phone rings and Joey answers it.)
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment, Joey and Chandler are playing foosball and Joey scores a goal.]
Chandler: Well, maybe we can fix it yknow? Maybe we can send him some-some big-big flowers and scare him!
Chandler: I pity the fool who puts on my jewelry, I do, I do. I pity the fool that. . . [turns around and sees Joey] Hi!
Chandler: Yeah, I mean when you were late last night, Kathy and I got to talking, and one thing to another and
Monica: (entering from her room, excitedly) Im getting married today!!! (She trips and falls.) (Getting up) I think I just cracked a rib. But I dont care because todays my wedding day! My day is finally here!! (Runs back into her room.)
[Chandler proceeds to point out Joeys errors in this forth set of flashbacks. The first flashback is from The One With The Cat. Chandler has just returned home to see that their apartment has been cleaned out and finds Joey trapped in the entertainment center.]
[Cut back to Joey and Rachels apartment.]
Joey: And what?! Did you sleep with her?!
[Scene: The slot machines, we see some guy not having any luck. Both Phoebe and the Lurker are lurking him and each stick their heads around the corner at different times This is all set to that Pink Panther song. Finally the guy gives up and walks past the lurker's position, thus giving her the advantage. She scurries in and quickly drops a coin in the slot before Phoebe gets there. Phoebe arrives slightly later and pulls the arm just after the lurker deposits the coin and wins.]
Chandler: What the hell happened?!! How were you locked in?!! And where the hell is all of our stuff?!!
Chandler: Oh come on! He said he was going to do my inseam, and he ran his hand up my leg, and then, there was definite...
Joey: Oh yeah (He mimes sticking his fingers into a jar of peanut butter, scooping some out, and eating it off his fingers.)
Rachel: (stopping him) Hey-whoa-whoa-whoa!! Ho-ho-hold on a sec there, Mr. Kissey! Y'know, I've been meaning to talk to you about this whole, little, new European thing you got going on, and I just need to tell you that it makes me very uncomfortable and I justy'knowstop it!
Chandler: ...And what did you bring?
[Scene: The park, Rachel's running by herself and panting. After a little while she decides to run like Phoebe.]
[The next flashback is also from The One With The Butt and it's also on the soundtrack. He's Joey telling everyone about his big break in Monica and Rachel's apartment.]
[Scene: A Street, Chandler and Ross are at a newsstand.]
(A group of about 10 guys and no women come running around the corner.)
Rachel: Yeah! You and that girl from that copy place, which yesterday you took full responsibility for!!
[We then go into another set of flashbacks of famous fights. The first is the second breakup of Ross and Rachel from The One With The Jellyfish.]
Ross: Really?! (To Rachel) Hey, yknow what? Since you have such a great sense of what I need, uh ooh, heres-heres 60 bucks, why dont you take Phoebe down to that Colonial flea market of yours and get me some stuff.
Ross: (starts to cry) FINE BY ME!! (he opens the door and traps Chandler behind it)
Rachel: And hey! Just so you know, its not that common! It doesnt happen to every guy! And it is a big deal!!
Rachel: OK, well, you wouldn't let me finish and I was jus- [Monica flicks her back] Ow. That hurt [flicks Monica]
Guy: Gotcha. (he and his helper walk in carrying the racecar bed.)
Phoebe: No Dr. Skeptismo! Im sure. First of all, okay, theres the feeling. (Chandler shrugs) Okay, and for another, how about the fact that she went into my guitar case which is lined with orange felt. (Rachel nods her head in unsure agreement) My Mothers favourite fish is Orange Roughy... (Joey thinks he understands, but then nods that he has no clue.) Cats....like....fish! (Ross and Rachel are totally lost) (to the cat) Hi, Mommy. (Rachel covers her mouth, in an Oh my God. gesture) Oh, I havent seen this smile in 17 years!
(Phoebe grabs each of them by an ear.) Monica and Rachel: Ow! Ow! Ow!
[Time lapse, Phoebe is still asleep only Joey is now passed out next to her and the cars still moving. She wakes up, sees Joey, and screams.]
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment, Joey is entering to find Chandler waiting patiently for him.]
[Scene: Moondance Diner. Ross, Phoebe, Joey, and Chandler are sitting at the counter, Monica is working. Monica is wearing her costume, including big fake breasts.]
Chandler: Well thats good. Because you didnt! And Im incredibly happy for ya!!
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment, Joey and Phoebe are reading a scene from Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.]
Phoebe: What if we don't find him somebody else? We'll just tell her the date's off, but we don't tell Ross, and he goes to the restaurant and gets stood up!
Ross: Thank you! And I have to say that first scene when you meet Mac
Written by Ira Ungerlieder. Transcribed by Josh Hodge. Minor additions and adjustments by Dan Silverstein.
Joey: Yknow what? I think thats enough for today. Thanks for your help! (He grabs their scripts and heads for his room.)
The Woman: Could you guys help me? (Chandler shyly exhales and looks away.)
Rachel: (ecstatic) Oh my God! Its Joey Tribbiani of Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.!!!!!!!
(The rest of the crew start to drive away leaving Joey sad, alone, and holding his congratulatory balloons as the song comes up again. La-la-la. See, I've been through the desert on a horse with no name! It felt good to be out of the rain! In the desert you can't remember your name, 'cause there ain't no one for to give you no pain. La-la-la, la, la, la )
Rachel: Oh, wait and on the nineteenth a secret crush announces itself.
(Phoebe has already hung up, leaving Joey in the dark. So Joey decides to watch some TV and turns on a rerun of Cheers, with the theme song playing. At first, hes happy, but as the song progresses Joey gets depressed and homesick.)
Phoebe: Oh, Rachel and I have appointments to get our hair cut.
(Phoebe winks and licks her lips while eyeing Chandler.)
Chandler: (To Rachel) Eldad is much more cooperative! And he can dance! (To Eldad) You dance for Rachel!
Joey: See look, women, carrying the bag. (He puts it on his shoulder and looks at himself in the mirror and likes what he sees.) But it is odd how a women's purse looks good on me, a man.
[Scene: Pier 59 Studios, its the set of Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E. The producer is showing Joey around the set.]
Wayne: It can do this. (He moves C.H.E.E.S.E.s arm close to Joeys special area and he jumps back.)
Ross: (exhales) I got it. (He lifts the box and grunts under the strain.) (Calmly) So hi, Im uh, Im Ross and this is my friend Chandler. (He shyly waves.)
Phoebe: Well, if you must know I have written 14 books. And as I am the only one who has read them, I can tell you that they all have been very well received.
Ross: And the Irish guy wins the joke!
(Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe enter.)
Monica and Phoebe: (sympathetic) Ohh!
(Everyone clinks glasses and Chandler freaks out again.)
Monica: And hes a great brother!
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Phoebe is working on her book at the kitchen table, Monica is on the couch, and Chandler is entering from the bathroom carrying a package of toilet paper.]
Joey: That just cost me four bucks. But uh listen, I just called to see how the chick and the duck are doing?
MONICA: Please, when he left town you stayed in your pajamas for a month and I saw you eat a cheeseburger.
Rachel: Ohh. (She touches his arm for support and likes what she feels) Ooh!
Ross: Oh God, thank you! (Runs and gives all of them a group hug.) Umm, uh, Mr. Stevens Id like you to meet my friends uh, this is Phoebe, Monica, and Chandler.
[Joey's place. He goes to say something to Chandler in the other chair but no one's there. He goes to call Chandler but decides not to and throws the phone back down.]
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Ross is entering looking for Joey, but instead he finds Paul and Rachel making out on the couch.]
Joey: Im the lead in Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.!!
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, scene is continued from earlier.]
Paul: Sure you did! You came in, you got all awkward, and you ran into the bedroom. You were shouting, "Joey! Joey!" Bye Rach. (Kisses her.)
Rachel: Ross look, look this is good for you. Okay? Lets face it, so far the guys not lovin ya! But I can turn that around! I got the inside track! We can all go out to dinner, yknow? And I can talk you up! Ross, the guy is a very, very successful lawyer!
Phoebe: Marcia and Chester.
Chandler: Yeah, you wish. (Stops to think about it and gets depressed.)
Joey: Morning! Hey, hows my favorite genius and my little robot buddy?! (Pats C.H.E.E.S.E. on the head.)
Phoebe: Ooh, I have tasted my own medicine and it is bitter!
Rachel: No! Downstairs! And we got to talking yknow, for like two hours, and I really liked him so I invited him up here for a cup of coffee.
[Scene: Pier 59 Studios, Joey is walking up to C.H.E.E.S.E. and Wayne.]
Joey: Yeah, and oh she's really nice too. She taught me all about how to work the cameras, and smell-the-fart acting.
Paul: So Ross was in college and decided to jump at the chance to take a young girl to her high school prom.
Ross: Yeah, well my-my ex-wife and I share custody of Ben and umm, uh, and just so you know, Carol and I are on excellent terms as Im sure you are with your wife! (Realizes) Oh, Im sorry! (To Elizabeth) Its unbelievable!
Monica: All right, that Ill retract. But I stand by my review, I know food and that wasnt it. Youre marinara sauce tasted like tomato juice! You should serve it with vodka and a piece of celery.
Paul: Dont worry about it, I just didnt realize you were married. (Rachel returns and hears that.)
Ross: (to Paul) Just-just so you know I was a freshman and she was a senior. So it wasnt as bad as-as
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica and Chandler are entering and theyre arguing.]
(Monica picks up one of those boxes of hair curling things, dumps it in a box, and storms out.)
[Scene: Joeys Dressing Room, Joey and Chandler are there.]
(Theres a knock on the door and Joey answers it to Wayne.)
[Joey opens the door and sees Erica (Brooke Shields). Joey gets a huge smile and Chandler squeezed the dish soap in the air.]
(The camera cuts to Wayne whos busy making out with Sarah and rubbing C.H.E.E.S.E.s controller on her back causing C.H.E.E.S.E. to go crazy. Joey starts throwing books at C.H.E.E.S.E. to get him to stop.)
Phoebe: No! No! Its just that he gave me three tickets and there are six of us!
Ross: Fine! Its your life! (Starts to storm out mad about his failed attempt at the manipulation of his best friend and sister, but stops and tries one last time.) I just dont want to see you guys break up! Which you will do if you move in together, (Monica and Chandler just stare at him.) but thats what you want, theres nothing I can do. (Opens the door and tries one more time.) DONT DO IT!!!!! (Finally leaves.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel, Chandler, Monica, and Joey are there as Phoebe enters.]
Rachel: (on the phone) Monica, Im quitting! I just helped an 81 year old woman put on a thong and she didnt even buy it! (Pause) Im telling you Im quitting! Thats it! Im talking to my boss right now! (Pause) Yes I am! (Pause) Yes I am! Yes I am! Yes I am! Yes I am! Yes I am! Okay bye, call me when you get this message. (Hangs up.)
Ross: Thanks? But I have plans; Elizabeth and I are going out of town.
[Scene: Flight 1066 to Athens, Rachel is ordering a drink for Ross and herself.]
Chandler: And I think Ross is generous too.
Monica and Rachel: (less than enthused) Great.
Paul: And anyhow, Im sorry I was so harsh before, but you have to understand that I (pause) still look at Lizzie like shes a twelve-year-old girl.
Monica and Chandler: Three! (They lift up the covers and check each other out, then come back up with silly grins on their faces.)
Ross: Oh no-no, after you. (She grabs a chair and heads upstairs.) (When shes gone.) Oh my God! (He drops the box and Chandler cant pick it up.)
(A wave crashes on the beach and partially fills up his hole.)
Ross: But, Elizabeth and I are-are both adults and so I dont think theres really anything you can do about it.