words in movies
Originally written by Betsy Bornes Transcribed by Joshua Hodge. Minor additions and adjustments by Dan Silverstein.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler and Joey are sitting at the bar, in their bathrobes, eating cereal]
[Joey finishes his cereal, licks his spoon, and puts it back in the silverware drawer.]
CHANDLER: The spoon. You licked and-and you put. You licked and you put.
JOEY: Alright, well next time you take a shower, think about the last thing I wash and the first thing you wash.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Phoebe are sitting at the table, Joey and Chandler enter.]
MONICA and PHOEBE: Hey.
ROSS: I don't know, I don't think mom and dad would mind. Remember when you were 9 and Richard was 30, how dad used to say, 'God I hope they get together.'
[Scene: The Gellers' house. Monica, Ross, and Richard are arriving to Mr. Gellers birthday party.]
[Scene: The Gellers' kitchen. Monica, Mrs. Geller and one of Mrs. Geller's friends are preparing the cake.]
[Scene: Joey's co-star's apartment. Chandler and Joey are at the brunch.]
JOEY: Ah, I was just in the bathroom, and there's mirrors on both sides of you. So when you're in there it's like you're peein' with the Rockettes.
JOEY'S CO-STAR: Why not? You hate park views and high ceilings? C'mon I'll show you the kitchen.
[Scene: Mr. Geller's party. Mr. Geller and a friend are questioning Richard while Ross observes.]
MR. GELLER: Tell you what, maybe one of these weekends you can borrow the car and I cou. . .
[Scene: Tattoo parlor. Phoebe and Rachel are deciding on tattoos.]
PHOEBE: I like this lily. It's more open, ya know, and that's like my mom. She had a more open, giving spirit. Ooh, Foghorn Leghorn, ooh.
PHOEBE: Just, you know, long time ago. Well, when men used to tell women what to do - a lot. And then there was suffrage, which is a good thing but is sounds horrible. Do you want to get this tattoo?
PHOEBE: No. You are the boss of you. Now you march your heinie in there and get that heart tattooed on your hip. GO!!
[Scene: Mr. Geller's birthday party. Monica is in the bathroom and Richard comes in.]
RICHARD: [walks out of the bathroom and runs into Mrs. Geller who is going to the bathroom] Judy, going to the bathroom, good for you.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler and Joey are returning from their brunch.]
JOEY: I'm sorry. I'm 28 years old, I've never lived alone, and I'm finally at a place where I've got enough money that I don't need a roommate anymore.
JOEY: What're you gettin' so bent out of shape for, huh? It's not like we agreed to live together forever. We're not Bert and Ernie.
[Scene: Mr. Geller's birthday party. Mr. and Mrs. Geller enter looking particularly refreshed. Monica follows looking rather pale.]
MONICA: You remember that video I found of mom and dad?
[Scene: Mr. Geller's birthday party. Monica and Richard are alone in the kitchen.]
[Mrs. Geller and Ross both enter]
ROSS: Mom, there are so many people in my life. Some of them are seeing people and some of them aren't. Is that crystal?
MONICA: No, a doctor of meat. Of course he's a real doctor. And he's handsome, and he's sweet, and know you'd like him. [she puts her arm around Richard]
MRS. GELLER: It seems your daughter and Richard are something of an item.
MR. GELLER: Am I supposed to stand here and listen to this on my birthday?
MONICA: Dad, dad this is a good thing for me. Ya know, and you even said yourself, you've never seen Richard happier.
[Everyone else enters and all start singing Happy Birthday.]
PHOEBE: Oh OK. [pulls over her shirt and shows a bare shoulder] Oh no, oh it's gone, that's so weird, I don't know how-where it went.
PHOEBE: I know, I know, and I was gonna get it but then he came in with this needle and uh, di-, did you know they do this with needles?
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler is at the bar and Joey enters.]
JOEY: Hey, are you cool with this. I mean, I don't want to leave you high and dry.
JOEY: Yeah. And uh, I paid for the other half.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Richard are setting the table.]
RICHARD: No, it's been a long time since your dad and I went running.
[Rachel and Phoebe enter]
RACHEL: That is not a tattoo, that is a nothing. I finally got her back in the chair, bairly touched her with a needle, she jumped up screaming, and that was it.
RACHEL: Oh, what a load of crap. That is a dot. Your mother is up in heaven going, 'Where the hell is my lily, you wuss?' OK, Phoebe, that is not a tattoo, this is a tattoo. [she bends over and bears her tattoo right when Ross returns]
[Scene: Chandler's apartment. Chandler and Joey are playing foosball for the table.]
JOEY: Yes! And the table is mine.
RACHEL: Yeah, who's gonna eat all our food, and tie up our phone lines, and - is that my bra? What the hell you doin' with my bra?
[Everyone except Joey and Chandler leave.]
JOEY: Listen, uh, I don't know when I'm gonna see you again. CHANDLER: Well, I'm guessing uh, tonight at the coffee house. JOEY: Right, yeah. OK. Um, take care. CHANDLER: Yeah. [Joey walks out and after a few seconds comes back in and gives Chandler a big hug. He then leaves for good and Chandler is left alone in his apartment.] CLOSING CREDITS
Rachel: I mean y'know, I'm thinking. You could bring her, and you guys could go up to your old room, and not make out.
Chandler: Its not a big deal. Its, just its right here, (points to his eye) and its all the time.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are there.]
Phoebe: No, that was my way of telling you. Well, it turns out hes incredibly sensitive, he keeps a journal and he paints. He even showed me charcoal drawings that he drew of me.
Phoebe: Yeah, okay, listen, umm, Mom, I hope you know you still mean a lot to me. And youre welcome to come back anytime.
Ross: You see Amanda and I have a very special...
(Phoebe grabs Gunther and kisses him. He then falls to the couch in shock.)
CHANDLER: Ok, think, what would Jack and Chrissy do?
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is watching TV as Joey and Kathy are laughing in Joey's bedroom. They get to be pretty loud so Chandler turns the TV way up.]
Kathy: Okay, I've got some ugly friends, and they're all available too.
Phoebe: (singing) And I'm still waiting for my paper mache man. Thank you my babies.
(Monica nods `Yes.' And they both walk to the couch looking all depressed.)
Gunther: I don't know if you heard about what happened between me and Phoebe the other day_
Chandler: Ross and the most beautiful girl in the world.
[Cheryl walks away and Ross walks inside. Everyone stares at him in disbelief.]
(Rachel watches that and slowly backs out to head for home.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's. Ross, Rachel, and Phoebe are there. Chandler enters.]
Phoebe: Yeah, but remember you said you ordered something special, and it just hasn't come yet?
Monica: Really? Cause I'd need like $500 for all the food and the supplies and stuff.
The Salesman: (Interrupting the flashback) Excuse me, Im sorry, you havent said anything for about two and a half minutes, are you at all interested?
Rachel: Yes, you have to get her something, and it should be something really nice.
Monica: (crying) So, I went down to the post office, and it turns out it was those videos that I ordered for Richard about the Civil War. He loved the Civil War.
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross and a beautiful blonde (Cheryl) are standing outside. The rest of the gang is watching from inside.]
[Scene: A kitchen where Phoebe and Monica are finishing up a catering job]
Monica: Um, and, well there's the.. the the small matter of...
[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler is sitting on the couch between Russ and Ross, doing a crossword puzzle.]
JOEY: Angela? Joey Tribiani. Listen, what are ya doing tonight. I know your seeing that guy I was thinking maybe you could bring him.....Hello? Hello? (picks up a statue of an Indian and walks into his room)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is on the couch still doing the crossword. Chandler is in the kitchen.]
Chandler: Because she's not eleven! And it's not the seventh night of Hanukkah!
Chip: ...and then Zana, just let one rip!! (laughs histerically)
Chandler: All right. I will go out and I will try to find something for her, okay?
Ross: How do you think it's gonna look when you get her something incredibly meaningful and expensive and her boyfriend Joey gives her an orange?
Joey: Thanks, man. And oh, while you're at it, could you get her a card?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier, only slightly later.]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel, Rachel is there, Chandler enters.]
Ross: No! And somehow, we ended up with a joint checking account.
Rachel: All right, look. Why don't you just return the book, let Joey give her the clock pen, and you give her something worse than that. Like... a regular pen.
Rachel: Oh! Pathetic! (Grabs the crossword puzzle and starts writing.)
Phoebe: Good. (Phoebe and Mrs. Burkart go into the other room, leaving Monica with everyone staring at her.)
Joey: Come on, Lydia, you can do it. Push! Push 'em out, push 'em out, harder, harder. Push 'em out, push 'em out, way out! Let's get that ball and really move, hey, hey, ho, ho. Let's (notices the nurse looking at him strangely) I was justyeah, right. Push! Push!
Mrs. Burkart: (Singing) Come on along and listen to...
Joey: What kind of profit is that?! And you call yourself an accountant.
Host: Folks, has this ever happened to you. You go to the refrigerator to get a nice glass of milk, (Joey is in the background struggling to open a cartoon of milk) and these darn cartons are so flingin'-flangin' hard to open.
Rachel: Well maybe she and her friends are just having a contest to see who can bring home the biggest geek.
[Gunther slips and falls just before reaching the back of the couch. Monica and Phoebe come into Central Perk.]
Rachel: And you know which one we should see? The 1996 Tony award winner. Do you happen to know the name of that one?
Rachel: I did it! Oh! I finished it! I did it all by myself! And there's nobody to hug!
Cheryl: I'll be right back. Make yourself comfortable. (Ross attempts to clear a place for his coat and fold it small enough to fit. Then hit sits on the couch. Something falls on him from above and he brushes his neck off frantically.)
Monica: I can cook and you can take care of the money.
[Scene: Outside Cheryl's apartment, Ross and Cheryl are kissing]
Rachel: And not one of your coupons for an hour of "Joey Love."
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is there, Joey enters.]
[Scene: A Restaurant, Monica and Chandler are on their date with Janice and Clark, however Clark is a no show and Janice is crying the Mississippi River about it.]
Monica: Wait a minute, Phoebe! We should be partners. We should be catering partners. I mean, think about it! You're not working right now, and we have such a great time together!
Joey: Oh, man, she loved it! She's over there showing Monica and Rachel right now.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone except Joey and Chandler are there eating breakfast.]
Monica and Ross: Scuse us
Rachel: Oh, hey, I have an idea. Why don't we play rock-paper-scissors, and whoever loses goes in first. (they all agree) Ready? (they do the rock-paper-scissor thing with they hands and Rachel has paper, Phoebe and Ross both have rock, while Joey is doing a strange upward wiggling with his fingers. They all look a him confused).
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross and Monica are sitting on the couch playing cards, and Phoebe is working on a new song.]
(She throws the paper at him, misses and hits Monicas door, they all jump back at the sound.)
Chandler: (entering in a bathrobe) I just walked in the bathroom and saw Kathy naked! It was like torture!
Monica: Oh my God, it was the best funeral ever! I mean, everyone loved the food, and guess what? I even got another funeral for tomorrowthe dead-guy-from-today's best friend. I mean, it is like I am the official caterer for that accident!
[Cut to later that same day, Ross has retrieved his keyboard and is about to debut, "The Sound."]
(Monica plays those words back in her mind and then smiles and runs to Chandler, who is twisting with joy. They hug.)
Monica: Hey. Ross, did you know Mom and Dad are going to Puerto Rico for Thanksgiving?
[Scene: The beach house, at night. Phoebe is hangs up the phone, and gently pushes one of the stools over.]
Monica: Im getting married!!!! Im gonna be a bride!!!! (Someone else yells at her.) No, I will not shut up because Im engaged! (He yells again.) Ohh, big talk! Huh, why dont you come over here and say that to me?! Huh, buddy?! Yeah, my fiancee will kick your ass! (Chandler starts to look worried.) Come on, apartment 20! Apartment 20!
Joey: (on the other end at a pay phone) Hey, its me. Listen Casey and I were on our way back and had a little car trouble.
Joey: Cause I only have one quarter, and I think my time is about to(he stops talking suddenly)
Chandler: So I guess its just uh, you and me then.
Phoebe: And this time, theyve ganged up to form one giant, super hat.
Chandler: Well, thanks. I grow it myself. (Kathy is running her fingers through his hair, and Chandler catches himself enjoying it too much.) Yknow who also has great hair is Joey!
(They lean in to kiss and are interrupted by the phone.)
Phoebe: Oh my God! No! Shoo! Kitty! No! No-no-no! Shoo! Come on, you! (goes over and picks up the cat) Come on. Crazy. (looks into the cats eyes) Oh my God.
(Suddenly Rachel clears her throat and the camera cuts to the rest of the gang staring at them. Needless to say Joey and Ross are shocked and slowly turn their heads to see the gang.)
Chandler: (closing the box) Yknow what? Forget it! We are just hungry! We have not had lunch! We are just light-headed! So let us go out and have lunch and forget about the cheesecake.
Monica: Yeah. Anyway, he told me about your apartment. And, um, I couldn't sleep, thinking about it. So, uh, would it be okay if I cleaned it?
(Kathy leaves and Chandler groans in agony. Kathy knocks on the door and Chandler opens it.)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, continued from earlier. Chandler and Kathy are still kissing, then they stop suddenly.]
Chandler: I have to; hes my best friend, and youre seeing him.
Ross: You have 30 seconds. And the lightning round beginsstop it (Chandler stops jumping)now. What was Monicas nickname when she was a field hockey goalie?
Kathy: (outside the door) No. (Chandler opens the door and they kiss again.)
[From the background we hear a crash and Gunther comes running out of the back room, pushing people aside, reaching for Rachel.]
Chandler: Bye. (Kathy leaves and Chandler wonders over to and leans up against the door.) Are you still out there?
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is opening the door, but Chandler has the chain on it.]
(Rachel and Monica look at each other, and agree on something without saying anything.)
Ross: Oh, thanks, thanks. So Monica tells me that uh, you dont want to play anymore because me and y'know my talent. Is that true?
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel and Monica are sitting on the couch and Phoebe is getting coffee as Chandler enters. Ross is also there.]
Phoebe: Yeah, I-I cantI mean yknow I was trying to be really y'know okay and upbeat about it, I justI feel so dwarfed by your musical gift. I
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is watching TV as Chandler enters.]
Joey: (whining and heading toward the door) Look, it's too late, and I got an audition. I can't shop anymore! I...
Phoebe: Yeah! No, thats right. And I thought it was a really good idea.
Joey: (lying on a beach towel, recapping what happened in the last episode) Okay, so we went to the beach, because Phoebe found out about this lady who knew her mom and dad, and I dont really know what happened with that.
Joey: And what?! Did you sleep with her?!
Chandler: Yes. Yes! Right! And I feel horrible. You have to believe me!
Ross: No-no-no, a bunch of out of control jackets take over an island. (Makes an unusual sound, then he realises that he still has his jacket on and quickly tries to shake it off, thinking its alive and attacking him.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is playing his music. Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel are sitting on the couch.]
Joey: Is that why you bought all this stuff?! (Chandler makes a face like "Well, kinda.") Well, yknow what I will not watch your TV, I will not listen to your stereo, and theres a cinnamon raisin loaf in the new bread maker that Im not gonna eat! You know why?!
(Both Monica and Rachel laugh.)
(Ross finally finishes with the same crash, and gets some applause.)