words in movies
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Everyone except Ross is there watching Days of Our Lives.]
DR. REMORE: I know you do but you and I can never be together that way.
JOEY: Well, I get the medical award for separating the siamese twins. Then Amber and I go to Venezuela to meet our other half-brother, Ramone. And that's where I find the world's biggest emerald. It's really big but it's cursed.
[Scene: Chandler and Eddie's apartment. Chandler is at the foosball table trying to get Phoebe to play a game with him.]
CHANDLER: Ya know Phoebs, don't feel so bad for 'em. After they're done playing, I break out the little plastic women and everybody has a pretty good time.
PHOEBE: Hi, um, I just thought that it would be fun if the three of us had some beers and got to know each other.
PHOEBE: Oh good, ok. Oh nooo, I have to go because I'm late for my um, Green Eggs and Ham discussion group. Um tonight it's why he would not eat them on a train. Have fun bye.
[Scene: Chandler and Eddie's apartment. Chandler and Eddie are talking.]
EDDIE: Not Sean Penn. Alright, I, I've got a funny one, alright. My last girlfriend Tilly. Ok, we're eating breakfast, right, and I made all these pancakes, there was like 50 pancakes right. And all of the sudden she turns to me, alright, and she says, 'Eddie.' I say, 'yeah,' she says, 'Eddie, I don't want to see you anymore.' And it was literally like she had reached into my chest, ripped out my heart, and smeared it all over my life, ya know. And now there's like this incredible abyss, ya know, and I'm falling and I keep falling and I don't think I'm ever gonna stop. [finishes laughing] That uh, wasn't such a funny story, was it?
[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe is singing. Monica, Richard, Ross, and Rachel are listening.]
PHOEBE: And a crusty old man said I'll do what I can and the rest of the rats played moroccas. That's it, thanks, good night.
ROSS: My baby sister, ladies and gentlemen.
PHOEBE: Oh, this is so nice. Alright I have to make a speech. I just wanna say that of all the guys that Monica has been with, and that is a lot, I like you the best.
RICHARD: Hear that? She likes me best, and apparently there've been a lot.
[Scene: Chandler and Eddie's apartment. Chandler is there. There's a knock at the door. He answers it to see a young woman holding a fishtank.]
[Scene: Central Perk. Joey enters with several magazines and runs up to Phoebe.]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica, Richard, Ross, and Rachel are returning.]
RACHEL: Ok, uh, Billy Dreskin, Pete Carney, Barry, and uh, oh, Paolo.
[Scene: Chandler and Eddie's apartment.]
CHANDLER: This is nuts. This is crazy. She came over for like two minutes, dropped off a fish tank, and left, end of story.
EDDIE: Oh, this is, this is unbelievable. I mean, first you sleep with my ex-girlfriend then you insult my inteligenct by lying about it and then you kill my fish, my Buddy?
CHANDLER: Hey I didn't kill your fish. Look Eddie...[puts his hand on Eddie's shoulder] Would you look at what I'm doin' here. That can't be smart. So we're just gonna take this guy right off ya and put him here in Mr. Pocket. Tangellon? [picks up the fruit an tosses it to Eddie, it hits Eddie in the chest and falls]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Richard are in Monica's bedroom.]
RICHARD: Right, and...
MONICA: And, well, don't you have a lot of wild oats to sew? Or is that what you're doing with me? Oh my God, am I an oat?
RICHARD: Now I do. [they kiss and fall to the bed]
[Ross and Rachel are in Rachel's bedroom]
ROSS: Oh, hey, if I make you laugh, here's an idea, why don't you invite Paulo over and have a little romp in the sack and I'll just stand in the corner and tell knock-knock jokes.
RACHEL: God, Ross, look, what you and I have is special, all Paolo and I ever had was...
RACHEL: But, what you and I have is so much better. Ok, we have tenderness, we have intimacy, we connect. Ya know, I swear, this is the best I have ever had.
ROSS: Oh. And what do you call that?
RACHEL and MONICA: One two three. [Rachel picks rock, Monica picks scissors]
ROSS: What, what oh....[Ross and Rachel go into her room]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. All but Joey are present.]
CHANDLER: Because he thinks I slept with his ex-girlfriend and killed his fish.
DR. REMORE: Amber, I want you to know that I'll always be there for you, as a friend and as your brother.
MONICA: And some of us really have to pee.
JOEY: No, I don't. It's like, ya know, you work your whole life for somethin' and you think that when you get it it's never gonna be as good as you thought it would be. But this so was. Ya know, it changed everything. Like the other day, I got this credit card application, and I was pre- approved. Huh? I've never been pre-approved for anything in my life.
[Scene: Chandler and Eddie's apartment.Chandler walks in to see Eddie holding a tray of cookies.]
CHANDLER: [throws it across the room while Eddie's not looking] Listen Eddie, um, I've been thinking about our current living situation and uh, why are you smiling?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment.]
[Ross comes out of Rachel's bedroom in her bathrobe and heads for the bathroom. On his way back, Richard comes out of Monica's bedroom in her bathrobe.]
Mrs. Geller: Oh, she just graduated, and she wants to be something in cooking, or food, or.... I don't know. Anyway, I told her you had a restaurant-
Ross: And it works both ways.
Ross and Rachel: Noo.
(Chandler enters and they both jump up and pretend that Ross is showing her something in the couch.)
Chandler: Okay, well. Janice said 'Hi, do I look fat today?' And I, I looked at her....
Ross: Noo! No, not cuddlily, not me, just her. I'm like you, I need the room. Okay, come here. (they sit on the couch and Ross puts his hands on Chandler's shoulder and thigh.) Okay, you're in bed...
Chandler: Okay, the old hug and roll.
Joey: Remember when you where a kid and your Mom would drop you off at the movies with a jar of jam and a little spoon?
CHANDLER: Well, I relied on a carefully regimented program of denial and, and wetting the bed.
[Scene: Chandler's bedroom, Janice and him are cuddling]
ROSS: Well, hey. You're an actor, I say you just suck it up and do it. (Rachel looks at him in disbelief) Or you just do it.
Monica: It took me 28 years to find one man that I wanna spend my life with, if I have to wait another 28 years then, I'll be 56 before I can have a baby, and that's just stupid.
Monica: Yeah. The great thing about the jam plan was, I was taking control of my life. So I asked myself, what is the most important thing to me in the world and that's when I came up with the baby plan.
[Scene: The Cooking Class, everyone has finished baking a batch of cookies and the teacher is going around tasting them.]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is eating jam straight out of the jar, and Chandler is staring at him in amazement. Joey offers him some.]
Joey: Let me see. (goes over and looks at the form) Oh, right.
Phoebe: Okay, this will keep them away from your stuff. (Writes him a note and the gang reads it.)
Rachel: Well, ever since I was humiliated and yelled at in front of my friends, I'm just, I don't know, not in a museum benefitty kind of mood.
Chandler: And that's how you bought it?
Joey: Maybe, I should call this place and get them to put my 'Days of Our Lives' on here. You know, juice this puppy up a little.
Joey: Orrr, you could follow him and see where he goes.
Rachel: (on tape) (Ross hands her a glass of wine) I cannot believe that I did this. Especially after Monica just went on and on and on about it! (Mimicking Monica) "Okay Rachel! Here are the invitations Rachel! Now be very careful Rachel! Please, drinking no liquids around the invitations Rachel!" (She tilts her wine glass above and moves it back and forth across the invitations) Whoa oh! Oh-oh-oh! Oh oh-oh-oh
Phoebe: Look, he gave me his night vision goggles and everything.
Rachel: Uh, I will see you... and I'll raise you. (throws chips in pot) What do you say... want to waste another buck?
Janice: You know what, where he hugs you and kinda rolls you away and... Oh... my....God.
Janice: Oh, (laughs) I wish. No, you know he was just trying Ross's Hug and Roll thing.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is entering]
MONICA: [grabs the other two bars on Richard's side and scores] Score! Now can we go?
Phoebe: I went shopping with Monica all day, and I had a salad.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is finishing off the last of the jam]
Janice: All right, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, we've got to do something about our little situation here Joey. So, this is my idea: you and me spending some quality time together.
Joey: Sure you do, it was a gift from me. Oh! And you have these three great kids.
Monica: Two girls and a boy?
Ross: I found a note on my door, "Come to Monicas quick, bring champagne and a Three Musketeers bar."
Ross: Try sixty-five million years ago, and then try sssshhhhhh.... My tenure review board met today and I hear it's looking really good.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's: everyone is there and they are watching an info-mercial that stars Joey.]
Rachel: Oh, c'mon. We'll have, we'll have a big party, and no-one'll know who's with who.
Mike: And there is Kevin.
Joey: (on tv) Oh, you said it Mike. (rips open the carton and spills milk on the counter) Aw! There's got to be a better way!
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Monica, Janice are sitting on the couch, and Phoebe is sitting next to them in the chair.]
Janice: Well, let's go to a bad one and make out. (they start to kiss and lean back into Monica.)
Phoebe: Yep, and that's why we don't invite you to play.
Phoebe: That is unfair. I'll call her and tell her it was totally my fault.
CHANDLER: The spoon. You licked and-and you put. You licked and you put.
(Ross proceeds to apply copious amounts of the lotion on his legs. He literally starts spraying the back of his legs with the lotion, and as he applies some to his butt he makes a happy face like he enjoyed that sensation. After using about half the bottle he again tries to pull up his pants, but at the first sign of resistance, his hand slips off of the pants and hits him in the forehead.)
Director: Okay, everybody, we'd like to get this in one take, please. Let's roll it.. water's working (The shower starts).. and... action.
Lorraine: She's checking the coats. Joey, I'm gonna go wash the cab smell off my hands. Will you get me a white Zinfandel, and a glass of red for Janice.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Carol and Susan are dropping off Ben]
Carol and Susan: (entering) Hey!!
Joey: I mean, it's not so much an underpant as it is a feat of engineering. I mean, it's amazing how much they can do with so little material! And the way they play with your mind! Is it there? Is it not there?
Joey: Oh Monica. (goes over and hugs her, then looks at the form and stops hugging her.) Wow, this guy's an astronaut. That would've been cool, (sees Monica) for like a day. (hugs her again).
Susan: So he's got a doll? So what? Unless you're afraid he's gonna grow up and be in show business.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica enters her bedroom with a roll of duct tape. Richard is sitting on the bed.]
Chandler: Just do it! Okay, it's Janice and if I get it I'm going to have to see her tonight. (phone stops ringing) Oh, that's great I'm gonna have to see her tonight.
[Scene: The Launderama, Rachel is there, waiting for Ross. An old woman takes Rachel's clothes off the machine and begins loading it with her things.]
Ross: And that's bad because..., you hate chicken piccata?
MONICA: Well, CHP because I used to have a crush on Eric Estrada. And ZXY becuase I think it sounds zexy.
Chandler: Do we have any...(turns around and bumps Monica's fake chest) Do we have any thoughts here?
Ross: Well, with everything thats been going on lately, I havent exactly been the perfect boyfriend. You know, I, uh, I didnt tell her I got Rachel pregnant. I gave her a key to my apartment, and then had the locks changed! And then I lied to her about Rachel moving in with me. In a way, I actually judge her for not breaking up with me sooner, you know?
Rachel: Sure Pheebs, you know, that's what it's there for, emergencies and pretend agents.
Doug: Come on honey, let's go drink our body weight. (They walk off leaving Chandler and Monica alone.)
Joey: You were amazing, could you just do me this huge favor, you see there's this one other audition that I really, really want, and Estelle couldn't get me in.
Joey: Oh yeah, Smokey Joe here got half way to the highway and collapsed.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler and Janice are having dinner]
Chandler: Okay, last night at dinner, when the meals came, she put half her chicken piccata on my plate and took my tomatoes.
Chandler: Yes, I did. Yes, I did. Because, you're my girlfriend, and that's what girlfriends should, should get.
[Eddie tries his key and it won't work. He knocks and Chandler answers the door. He's got the door chained.]
Chandler: Yep, we're a couple and that's what couples do. And, I wanna meet your parents. We should take a trip with your parents!
Chandler: Well, not me. But that's what's happened, and, ah, and, and there's more. We should take a trip.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are comforting Chandler]
Chandler: So, I finally catch up to her and she says this relationship is going to fast and we have to slow down.
Rachel and Monica: Nooo!
Chandler: You know what's not funny? Male Pattern Baldness (Monica stretches her neck to look behind Zack's head and then gives Chandler an "ok" sign)
Chandler: I know, that, (looks at her fake chest, and loses his train of thought, temporarily) that's why I don't want to go tonight, I'm afraid I'm going to say something stupid.
Rachel and Monica: Uff.
Ross: Okay, for instance. Let's say, Janice is coming back from a trip and she gives you two options. Option number 1 she'll take a cab home from the airport. Option 2 is you can meet her at baggage claim. Which do you do?
Joey and Ross: Go Joe!!!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is still trying to get Ben to play with something other than the Barbi doll.]
Phoebe: (entering) Helloo! Oh! (sees Joey and starts to leave)
Phoebe: Yes! They called and you didn't get it! Okay, I mean you didn't get it, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Phoebe: Oh, now you're sad and creepy, oh. You know what, I, I'm sorry I quit, okay, I just quit.
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Phoebe are there]
Phoebe: Ooh! No, no, no, no, he's not like a kook, no. He's just like this, this very passionate, incredibly romantic guy, that got like a tinsy bit carried away, you know. And we just get along really well, and he's so cute.
Joey: All right they got water, orange juice, and what looks like cider. (takes a glass from the fridge.)
Chandler: And, ah, you know, your fooling around with her. And you get all these like, mental images in your brain, you know, like Elle MacPherson, or that girl at the Xerox place....
PHOEBE: [singing] Sometimes men love women, sometimes men love men, and then there are bisexuals, though some just say they're kidding themselves. la la-la-la la-la-la-la-la-la-la...
Chandler: ....And then I just, you know, threw the bag of barley at her, and ran out of the store.
Young Ethan: Well, think about it. It's always on the news. 'A man is being held up, at gunpoint.' 'Tourists are being terrorised, at gunpoint.' And I just kept thinking: why does people continue to go there? (He checks his watch.) Oh, ah. I should go.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is laying on the counter and Rachel and Monica are comforting him again.]
Chandler: Well, I don't know what mad him so mad, y'know? All I said was that uh, I didn't think this wasn't gonna be his big break, that this movie wasn't going to do anything for him, and that uh, y'know it didn't sound like a real movie--Okay, he should've pushed me off of the bridge.
Chandler: (answering phone) Hello. Hi, Janice! Can you hold on for a second? Okay. (to Monica and Rachel) Okay, what do I do?
Rachel: No Ross!! (stands up and moves away from him) Dont! You cant just kiss me and think youre gonna make it all go away, okay? It doesnt work that way. It doesnt just make it better. Okay?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Carol and Susan are picking up Ben, while Monica is pouring chocolate syrup, lots of it, into her ice cream.]
Rachel: Yes, and grumpy.
Phoebe: Oh God, this is turning into the worst wedding day ever! The bride is pregnant. The groom is missing. And Im still holding this. (She throws the test back into the trash.)
Ross: Oh my God! Thank you! Thank you so much! (He grabs the ring, kisses it, and then does a double-take realising where its been.)
[Scene: It's an old home movie of the Geller's backyard, young Ross is dressed up as Bea, and pouring himself/herself some tea.]
[Scene: Outside Central Perk, Phoebe is pacing back and forth waiting for someone.]
[Scene: The Emergency Room. The officious admissions nurse is again on duty. Rachel and Monica enter, looking worried. As they approach the desk, Rachel adopts a winning smile, while Monica struggles to smile at all.]
Chandler: Well, we have a deal, where we each get to pick five celebrities that we can sleep with, and the other one cant get mad.