words in movies
[Scene: Monica and Chandlers apartment.]
Monica: Ok, but if something gets broken, and then the Queen comes over..
Chandler: Muskogee! That's like four hours from Tulsa. Woo hoo! TV announcer: And heres the float with the stars of the popular daytime soap Days of Our Lives .
<Joey's eyes become large and he stands up>
<Chandler grabs Joey's left arm and pushes the sleeve up>
Joey: I guess I'm going to have to come up with a really good reason why I wasn't there. The producers are going to be so mad at me. They sat us all down yesterday and said "Everyone has to be there at 6:00 AM sharp, that means you Tribbiani." Like.. like I was some kind of idiot.
<Chandler nods and his eyes get big like he's saying 'what the hell'>
Ross and Rachels Apartment
<Ross and Rachel are putting baby stuff together like they're going to be going somewhere.>
Ross and Rachel while looking at each other surprised and shocked: Jill?
Rachel: Oh. <opens door preparing herself and then happily says> Amy! Happy Thanksgiving.
<Amy bending over fiddling with her purse when Emma cries and she hears Emma>
Monica and Chandler's Apartment.
<Chandler is startled and nearly drops the plates.> Sorry.
Phoebe: Oh really. Okay. let me ask you something. Yesterday at the coffee house, I went to the bathroom and when I came back, my muffin was gone-who took it?
Joey: Somebody opened the door to the coffee house and a raccoon came running in, went straight for your muffin and I said "Hey don't eat that-that's Phoebe's" and he said.. <pause> He said.. "Joey you stink at lying." What am I going to do?
Joey: Uh.. <forgetting what the work thing was, rolls up his sleeve on his right arm and shows Phoebe, she looks>
Ross and Rachel's Apartment.
Amy: Hello? Yeah, um. Hang on one sec. <to Ross and Rachel> Can I take this upstairs?
Amy: My boyfriend canceled on me. I mean.. I I finally find a real relationship. I mean, someone that I can spend this day with and then his wife comes back into town. I swear, its almost not worth dating married guys.
<Ross and Rachel go in the kitchen>
Rachel: Look I know she's a little tough to take. She has no where else to go, and she's my sister. Alright, she's Emma's aunt. And I would like them to bond.
<Rachel grabs Ross' hand for support and starts to cry a little>
Monica and Chandler's apartment
Rachel: Hey you guys, this is my sister Amy. This is Chandler, Joey, Phoebe and you know Mon.
<Joey turns away and Chandler reassuringly pats him on the back>
<they hug and kiss on check>
Amy with confused look on face: Yeah I.. I think so. <sticks her hand out to shake hands with Phoebe and says to her> It's nice to meet you Emma.
Phoebe shakes her hand and says: Phoe-Be.
<Monica and Amy turn away and walk into the living room towards the secret closet>
Joey: Oh.. I don't know why this is so hard for me. you know.. I mean lying is basically just acting and I am a terrfic actor.
Amy: no, no, then I would get the baby. I mean you know it would be just like a movie. Like at first I wouldn't know what to do with her, then I would rise to the occasion and and then I would get a makeover and then I'd get married.
Amy: Now listen, not that you guys could stop me or anything cause you know you'd be dead. I was thinking about changing her name. I'm just not really a big fan of Emily. [Transcriber note: I'm surprised that Rachel and Ross didn't say they weren't either here]
Amy turns to Ross and Rachel: Why does she keep making that noise?
Rachel: Honey, I don't know how to tell you this, but um, if something were to happen to Ross or to myself <Ross and Rachel knock on wood> um you wouldn't get the baby.
Ross: Well we haven't offically asked them yet, but we would want Monica and Chandler.
Amy: I don't believe this, hold on a second. You guys die and I don't get your baby?
Rachel: See look Amy, we're a lot closer to Monica and Chandler. We see them every day. And truthfully honey, you don't seem very connected to the baby.
Chandler: You know, guys I got to say. This means so much to me. That you would trust me with your child. I mean, we all know that Monica and I have been trying to have a baby of our own. You know I've had my doubts about my skills as a father, but that you two.. that you two.... <starts to cry>
Monica: Okay! It's time for dinner. Everyone we're using our fancy china.. um and its very expensive so please be careful.
Ross starts playing with a plate: Woah. Woah... <nearly really drops the plate and more seriously> Woah.
Amy: Its such a slap in the face. I'm your sister and you would give your baby to these strangers over me.
<Amy gets pissed and starts cutting food on the fancy plate very harshly, you can hear the silveware scraping the fancy plate>
Monica: Now see, this way you protect the plate.. and lets face it you have fun.
Amy: Okay, how about this, you guys die and the crazy plate lady dies, then do I get the baby?
<Ross and Rachel pause and ponder this>
<Everyone is looking around and at Joey with looks of 'what?' on their faces>
<Joey looks to Phoebe and she nods in agreement>
Ross: Yeah and we'd want to make sure Emma has someone like Monica who is more uh. uh discliplinarin.. someone who can be firm and strict.
Chandler: Ok. So if we both had Emma and I die <knocks on table> she'd have to give her up.
Monica: Ross and Rachel don't know what they're talking about. I mean its not like their so responsible. Emma is a product of a bottle of Merlot and a five year old condom.
Chandler: Yeah but they're right. I mean, I'm not a strong father figure and I never will be.
Chandler: Yeah, but its not who I am. Everything they said was exaclty why I was worried about having a kid. And its true. And look everybody knows it.
Monica: I don't know it! I want to have a kid with you because I think you're going to be an amazing dad... at the fun parts and the hard parts.
Back to Monica and Chandler's apartment.
Joey groans and gets off the phone: The producer from Days left a message on my machine asking why I wasn't at the parade. They said everybody's pissed off at me.. <whiny voice> And they all got to meet Santa!
Phoebe: It's ok. I thought of the perfect lie for you. It's easy to remember and doesn't invite a lot of questions. You weren't at the parade because you had a family emergency.
Joey all nervous and looking down and fiddling with his ear: Oh.. My sister's raccoon.
Monica and Chandler come through the front door.
Ross comes out of the guest bedroom with the diaper bag and the car seat carrying thingy.. yeah.. thats the techinal term.. He goes to Chandler.
Chandler: Oh no thats okay, you're totally right. I don't know anything about disciplining a child. But it did hurt my feelings and I want you to know that when I die, you don't get Joey.
Amy walks over to the couch and sits down next to Rachel: Ucch. <pauses> Uchh <louder this time> In case you hadn't noticed, I'm not talking to you.
Rachel: UCHH! <much louder and longer then Amy's>
Rachel: Yeah.. yeah right.. Remember in high school when I died and didn't give you my baby?
Rachel: Ok. You decorate dad's office and so now you're a decorator. Okay! I went to the zoo yesterday and now I'm a koala bear.
Rachel: Sup.. You want to talk supportive? You didn't even come and visit me when I was in the hospital having the baby.
Rachel: I did the first time! Oh. Oh.. <gets up and walks into the kitchen> And you know what. You want to know why I'm not giving Emily to you.
Amy: Uh.. To name a few. You know.. You know.. You've just always been like this. You just have to have everything. And I couldn't have anything. Like in junior high, when you stole Timmy from me. I mean, do you even realize how much that hurt me?
Rachel: Timmy was my boyfriend and you made out with him!
Amy: Yeah, well you know what I cannot believe. That my so-called sister, gets a 30% discount from Ralph Lauren and I still have to pay retail.
Amy: You bitch. You just think you're so perfect. With your new baby and your, your small apartment. <directs this to Ross who in turns throws the towel in his hand down on the table> Well let me tell you something. Your baby isn't even that cute.
<Ross nods his head and points at her, in a yes manner>
<Amy pushes Rachel and Monica goes berserk and runs around the table>
<Rachel and Amy 'fighting'.. They're really just trying to slap each other and just keep slapping their hands>
<They go back to fighting and then it really gets on>
<Amy starts spitting on Rachel's hand and Rachel is saying ew and pushes her away>
<Amy runs towards Rachel and Rachel puts her arm out, hand on Amy's head and Amy starts trying to hit her but is missing, Rachel is moving backwards towards the table when her hand swipes the one plate left on the table on to the floor>
<Everyone is shocked and Monica faints and Ross catches her>
Chandler: Alright! That is it. This is our apartment and you can not behave this way. Now if you can't act your age then you shouldn't be here at all. Now those plates may not be as nice as the pretty pink ones I picked out, but they're very important to Monica. I want you to apologize to her right now.
Chandler: Okay. Thats better. Now I want you to both apologize to each other and mean it.
Amy and Rachel at same time: Sorry.
Ross: Dude. Well done. You know what? If I die, and Rachel dies and Monica dies then you can totally take care of Emma.
Chandler: Okay, but you should know he eats five times a day and shoves pennies up his nose.
<Ross ponders that and walks away>
Monica starts crying: Thank you. It was so beautiful. <gets up and walks towards the front door> I'm going to go to Joeys and get the pies.
Monica: I don't care. <pauses and realizes...> Oh my god. I've lost the will to scold.
Rachel: Look Amy, it got a little of control..Um.. and I'm sorry. You're my sister and uh.. if it really means that much to you..
<they hug and Rachel has this disgusted look on her face and then Emma starts crying>
Chandler: Oh no no no.. I'll get her. I'm super-compentent and totally responsibile and fourth in line to raise Emma. I'll be right there Emma. Just let me get my trusty diaper bag here. <knocks over the box of china> Well.. what do you know? I guess, I'll be the one who dies first.
Judy: Yes, you’ll be all grown up by then. We’ll be... Well your grandfather and I might not be here.
Joey: (realizing) Oh, that's what she meant! (pause) You know, if they're gonna shorten it, they should call it the MUSE! You know, short for museum, and avoid all the confusion!
[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe and Joey are there. Phoebe's cell phone rings.]
(Ross, Chandler and Monica are in the kitchen area)
(They run to the bedroom and close the door carefully just as Joey enters.)
Chandler: What must it be like not to be crippled by fear and self-loathing.
Monica: We're Aunt Monica and uncle Chandler, by the way. You may not recognize us, because we haven't spoken to your parents in seventeen years!
Ross: Hey Mon, that was really nice of you to loan Rachel your car so she could go and get the cake.
Monica: Ross, Rachel promised it would be over by now. We seriously have to go, if we want to get to Vermont. I called them and the last train leaves in a half hour.
(Chandler walks by and Joey lets out an evil "muhahaho".)
Joey: Got it! (Goes towards the front door and stands with his back to it) Hey hey hey! (to Chandler) Where do you think you're going?
Phoebe: And you know, I have a massage client soon.
Monica: No! Wait! If anybody gets to go.. it's us (Points at herself and Chandler) We've been complaining the longest!
Ross: (Into receiver) Hello? (listens) Oh no! What happened? (listens some more) Ok ok, where are you? (Grabs a pen and starts writing). Ok, I'll be right there. (Puts the phone down)
Chandler: (Yelling) What are you doing? Get the hell out of here! (Phoebe and Joey come out looking shocked)
Monica: Yeah, and we've paid for a room, that we're supposed to be in right now!
Phoebe: Well, oh, ok now... Only one of us has to stay with Emma. Ok, and as the person who realized that, I get to go!
Monica: Ok, how about this: We got wind up toys for Emma for her birthday. We can make them race, and whoever comes in last, stays!
Monica: Phoebe, you get the bear, uhm, Joey, you get the robot, and Chandler and I get the dog. Ok, and the race is going to go (Takes two cups and marks the start and finish lines with them) from here to here. Now the one who comes in last, stays!
(While Phoebe's bear is still in the lead, it is now closely followed by Joey's robot. Chandler and Monica's dog however, sits down, barking... and does a backflip.)
Wendy: I was, uh, checking out that insurance company's Christmas party on three, oh, it was really beautiful, they have all these decorations and this huge tree and I just, uh... to hell with them, we have to work. -- So I stole ther ham. (She turns the cardboard box upside down over the conference table, a big piece of ham falls out.)
Joey: Ok, ladies and gentlemen, wind your toys! (they do so)
(Joey and Phoebe leave for the door)
(The assistant leaves and Ross goes back in the spray-on tan booth and turns his back to the spray nozzles, facing the back wall)
Phoebe: Cut her out of our lives! Just ignore her calls and dodge her 'till she gets the point!
Ross: Well, I just made these two things uhm... cheeks. And then I split this to make ears.
Joey: Or.. we could flip a coin, and then multiply the..
Phoebe: Hey, are Ross and Rachel back?
Joey: Okay, if Ross and Rachel ask, I've been here the whole time. THE WHOLE TIME!
(Phoebe's bear takes the lead, followed by Joey's robot, and far behind is Chandler and Monica's dog, which walks a few paces, stops and starts barking, sits, walks again, and so on... )
Joey: (to Ross and Rachel) I've been here the whole time!
(Ross and Rachel enter.)
Rachel: Oh, what is wrong with me lately? I mean its like every guy I seeI mean look here. (Points behind them) Look at that guy for example, I mean normally thats not someone I would-would be attracted to, but right now, with the way Im feeling, all I want to do is rip off his sweatpants and fanny pack.
[Scene: Rachel and Joey's apartment. It's just Ross and Rachel. They put the camera on a tripod in the kitchen and they are standing in front of the camera.]
Rachel: Okay. (they both look into the camera, and Ross waves.) Hi Emma. Well, your first birthday is over, and it was really...
Written by: Dana Klein Produced by: Robert Carlock and Wendy Knoller Transcribed by: Coffee Mug, Eleonora, Sebastiano & Vanessa
Joey: Yeah, but for a one-year-old. What's the point... the other day she laughed for like an hour at a cup. Just a cup with a picture of Elmo on it dressed as a farmer. And he's standing next to this cow and the cow says "El-moo"! (Joey starts laughing) Yeah... that's a funny cup!
The Salesman: Ohh, okay. (Laughs.) Something didn't quite add up there. (Ross stops, walks back to talk to the salesman, and in the process pushes Rachel up against a wall.)
Monica: Hey Rach, the adoption agency needs letters of recommendation and we were wondering if you would write one for us.
Joey: No! No... and, for the record, I've also never given her a frosting from a can!
Phoebe: Yes, I do! Today is Mike and my one-year anniversary.
Dr. Harad: Hi! Phoebe, I'm Dr. Harad, I'm going to be delivering your babies. I want you to know, you're gonna be in good hands. I've been doing this for a long time. I'll be back in a minute to do your internal, in the meantime, just relax because everything here looks great. And also, I love Fonzie. (Exits)
Joey: I gotta a lot of nice stuff to say about you guys, ok? And I know how much you wanna have a baby, you know, and I would love to help you get one.
Phoebe: Hey, you know what, I've never had a one-year anniversary before, so no matter where we go, I'm wearing something fancy pants, and... I'm gonna put on my finest jewelry and we're gonna have sex in a public rest room.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment]
Amy: H-Hi!!(to Ross) And you are...?
Joey: (using a laptop) Oh, Monica and Chandler's recommendation. I want it to sound smart but.. I don't know any big words or anything, so...
Chandler: He's probably in his room with his current girlfriend Charlie. That's the situation as we know it... (walks to Phoebe and Monica)
Amy: I’m gonna marry Myron and keep looking for Mr Right.
[Scene: Phoebe and Rachel at the Spa. Phoebe is still massaging Rachel]
Phoebe: YOU’RE SO GENEROUS AND KIND AND (crowd stops cheering) YOU'RE AMAZING IN BED (everyone hears it and stare at them.) (to everybody) IT’S OUR ANNIVERSARY!
Phoebe: Oh how lame... oh, it’s so tacky, and impersonal.
Ross: I can't believe this. Not even my geology lab partner? And I carried that guy! (gets up from his sofa)
Joey: Hey, finished my recommendation. (he hands it over to Chandler) Here. And I think you’ll be very, very happy. It’s the longest I ever spent on a computer without looking at porn.
Joey: Yeah, yeah and hey, I really mean it, dude.
Chandler: Apparently my sperm have low motility and you have an inhospitable environment.
Rachel: Sometimes just nodding is ok. (pause) Uhm, so but anyway, listen, not marrying Barry was the best decision that I ever, ever made. Honey, you deserve true love. Your soulmate is out there, somewhere. Someone that is your age, that is smart, that is fun and that you care about!
[Scene: Joey’s apartment. Rachel is in the living room and Joey comes out of his room.]
[Scene: The corridor. Amy knocks Joey’s door and Rachel opens the door.]
Ross: Well, I have a PhD, so... (assistant walk out, not impressed by this statement) (Ross takes his bathrobe off and he enters the tanning booth. He stands up in front of the red light and the sprayer starts and sprays his face and torso)
Joey: (yelling at her) I’M CURVY, AND I LIKE IT!
Phoebe: We were at the game, and this guy proposed to his girlfriend on the big screen thing...
(Rachel and Ross turn around and look at Phoebe and Joey with puzzled expressions on their faces.)
[Scene: Monica’s Apartment. Rachel, Ross, Monica and Chandler are there, Phoebe enters the room]
Monica: Oh, well, I bought Chandler a five hundred dollar watch and he wrote me a rap song.
Chandler: She's right! If I were a guy and... (stops himself mid-sentence...everyone stares at him) Did I just say if I were a guy..?
Phoebe: (To Rachel and Ross) Well, do you think I should propose?
Phoebe: Yeah, I really do! Yes, but, after I dumped on the way he was gonna propose to me, I don’t think he’s ever gonna ask again! I mean, I said no in Barbados and now this!
Phoebe: Yeah, that does make sense. Ok, now, would... would you two (points to Ross and Chandler) like that?
Rachel: Well, uhm... whatever, I have really appreciated it, 'cause I don’t think I would be the person that I am today if it wasn’t for you guys. See, I wanna help Amy the way you guys helped me. And I know it’s gonna take patience, but that’s ok.
Rachel: (To Monica, Chandler and Phoebe) Can any of you watch Emma?
Phoebe: No, I've got work and then I'm proposing..
Ross: (He interrupts her immediately, and drags her by her arm to the other side of the room) Well, can I talk to you for a sec.?
Charlie: Hey! (They kiss and cuddle a little)
Amy: (very excited) Oh! Great! So how much does it pay? (Ross just gives up and leaves)
[Scene: Central Perk. Joey is inside, Chandler and Monica walk in.]
(Chandler and Monica look shocked)
(Rachel looks at Ross and her agrees silently)
Joey: Yeah, and don't worry. I didn't try to sound smart at all! See ya later! (Leaves)
Chandler: It's ok, it's ok. You know what? (Takes out his mobile) I'll just call the agency and tell them to throw out the letter. (starts dialing)
(Rachel comes in, sees Amy and Emma)
Amy: I'm fine! And, I got you a present for letting me stay with you. Ready?
Ross: Hey guys. Monica and Chandler: Hi Ross.
Phoebe: Oooh, I love family traditions like that. When uhm... when Ursula and I were kids, on our birthday, our stepdad would sell his blood to buy us food!
Ross: (sees how strangely Monica, Chandler and Rachel are looking at him) What?
Phoebe: Oh, we're just... we're sad to go so we're just saying goodbye to the hotel. (hugs the wall) I love you... Paradise Hotel, Golf resort and Spa... (she walks away from the wall)
CHANDLER: OK, well that's the part where I'm a wank. But I was hoping we wouldn't focus on that. [Joey goes to his room and shuts the door] Hey, c'mon man, I said I was sorry like a hundred times, I promise I will never take it off my. . . [notices the bracelet is missing from his wrist] wrist. But if, if you want to stay in there and be mad, you know, you just uh, you stay in there. [he starts searching the room, lifting up the couch cushions]
Rachel: Uh well, uh this is a silent auction. They lay out all the stuff here and then you write down your offer and then the highest bid gets it.
Chandler: Hey! Monica can be cool and fun at organized indoor projects!
Rachel: (looks at Ross and then at Amy again in disbelief) What?
[Scene: Madison Square Garden. Phoebe and Mike are watching the game. There's cheering, but Phoebe seems distracted.]
(Amy looks at Ross, angrily. Rachel clearly doesn't understand what he meant and looks at Ross who gestures "later".)
[Scene: game room, Monica and Mike are still playing ping pong]
[Scene: Rachel and Joey's. Joey is in the kitchen and the telephone rings.]
Joey: (picks up the phone) Hello? Yeah, this is Joey Tribbiani... Oh, hi! Well, I'm glad you liked my letter... No my mommy and daddy aren't home right now... (looks puzzled) Okay, bye bye. (hangs up) (to himself) She was nice!
(Rachel and Amy enter)
Joey: Whoo-hoo! (and leaves for Rachel's room)
Amy: You didn't want me to marry the old guy with the great apartment. Then, I tried to help your daughter to de-emphasize her flaws (frantically pointing at her nose) And suddenly I am the bad guy?
Amy: Ass and face.
(Mike's face changes from happy to sad, and he looks at the cake, disappointed.)