words in movies
[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there as Rachel enters.]
Ross: Id bet Id still be doing my kara-tay. (Thats karate, hes just saying it that way.) Towards the end of our marriage I was doing a lot of kara-tay as a way of releasing the tension from yknow, not doing anything else physical.
{Transcribers note: This is where the opening credits are, but theyre not the usual opening credits. Oh no! These credits are based on the world that would have been created had all of the above actually happened. It starts out with all of them at the fountain sitting on the couch as Fat Monica runs up and sits on the arm of the couch, tilting the whole thing towards her. It then goes on to show Rachels still a shop-aholic and with Barry. Fat Monica is sweating while cooking and dancing while eating a donut. Phoebe as the Wall Street shark smoking while on two cell phones. Then theyre dancing in the fountain. Joey entering as Dr. Drake Remoray and meeting a groupie. Chandler trying to write as a bird does its business on his shoulder and falling asleep while typing. Ross doing some kara-tay and trying to get Carol into bed. And finally, some more dancing in the fountain, them all flexing, and the turning out the lamp and shutting off all the lights bit from the first season. Just remember one thing, this is an alternate universe. Everything from every other episode doesnt apply, for instance, Ross and Rachel have no history. And in fact have not seen each other in years in this world.}
Monica's Boyfriend: Can anyone else name a well known seed thats been masquerading as a nut?
(As Joey goes to the bathroom, Corporate Phoebe enters. Shes wearing a business suit and carrying a briefcase.)
Phoebe: Ohh thats so sweet! (Her cell phone rings.) Oh! Hang on! (Quickly grabs a cigarette and starts to light it as her phone rings.) Hang onnnnnn!!! (Gets the cigarette lighted and answers the phone.) (On phone.) Go!! No! No-no! I said sell when it hits 50! 5-0, its a number! It comes after 4-9!! No, its okay. Its okay, youre allowed one mistake. Just kidding, you are of course fired.
(She hangs up as Ross and Rachel enter.)
Monica: Oh my God, sit down! Sit down! How long as it been since weve seen each other?
[Scene: A hospital, Phoebe is recovering from her heart attack as Ross, Monica, and Chandler are there to comfort and support her.]
Joey: Well, that is a large piece of television equipment. (Points at a large piece of television equipment as an old man walks by.) And uh that is an old man! Hey old man!
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica is eating breakfast as Chandler enters.]
Chandler: Well uh, Archie needs money to fix his jalopy (Joey laughs), uh but he doesnt want Reggie to just give him the money. So Reggie hires him as his assistas his butler. And then makes him do all these crazy things like bring him milkshakes that cant have lumps in them.
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica is there as Rachel enters.]
Ross: Come on. (Helps her into bed as her phone rings.) I got it.
[Cut back to the TV, the cops are leading Dr. Wesley out, and as they pass Remoray and Wesley exchange evil glances.]
[Scene: The hospital, Chandler and Monica are there with Phoebe as Ross enters.]
Joey: Sure! As long as they dont find out you can keep whatever you want! And I want you to have it.
[Scene: Phoebes hospital room, Joey and Ross enter as Phoebe comes out of the bathroom wearing her robe.]
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica is making a sandwich as Chandler enters.]
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is there as Rachel storms in.]
Ross: Hey! There are some men who will do whatever it takes to make their marriage work! Okay? There are some men who will stand by and-and watch as their wives engage in-in what only can be described as a twosome with some-some woman she barely knows from the gym!
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica is blowing out a candle as Chandler enters.]
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is singing a new song as the gang looks on.]
It only takes two heart attacks to finally make you see One of them wont do it, but the second one will set you free Tell all your hate and anger, its time to say good-bye And that is just what I will do, soon as those bastards I work for die! La, la-la-la, la-la-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la
Joey: Hey, I don't need violence to enjoy a movie. Just so long as there's a little nudity.
Phoebe: Oh well, as long as it is under control, you know, you can't do anything about it, he's already dating her, and she is a nice person, that wouldn't be right.
Chandler: I invented the game of Cups as a way to give Joey money.
[Cut to his bedroom, Ross is listening at the door as Paul opens the door, trapping Ross behind it. With Pauls back turned Ross coils up like a snake and slitters underneath the bed.]
Rachel: (as Monica) Thanks! I've been here about six years, and Rachel moved in a few months ago.
Ross: She wants me to take responsibility for everything that went wrong in our relationship. I mean she goes on for five pages about, about how I was unfaithful to her! (Both Joey and Chandler shrug their shoulders as to say Well...) (yelling) WE WERE ON A BREAK!!!!!
(Joey and Chandler start to leave, Joey is lunging as he is walking)
Ross: So is everybody here? I got here a little early myself. Let us begin. Now, the hydrosaurids have been unearthed in two main locations. (He moves to the map and we see why he made it to class on time, hes wearing in-line skates and hasnt taken them off.) Here. (Points to the map, somewhere in the Middle East, then spins on the skates and points to the map.) Here. (China.) Now as for the hydrosaurs
Phoebe: Oh no, it is forbidden! No-no, Mrs. Potter fires people for fooling around with clients. And its against my oath as a masseuse.
Rachel: What do you get? (She throws her pom-poms to Joey and Phoebe and performs a cartwheel.) Emily!! (Tries to do another one.) EmilWhoa!! (She falls in Chandlers room.) Okay! So thats me as a cheerleader! Ta-dum! (Gunthers the only one that claps.)
(And with that, an era ends as Chandler moves in with Monica as Rachel moves in with Phoebe. It tis a sad and happy time for Friends.)
(Joey starts to leave to embark on his genius moneymaking scheme, but is freaked out slightly when as he goes to open the door, there's a mysterious knock. He calms himself down and opens the door to reveal Phoebe.)
Monica: Ok, here we go. We need to sort out the tickets as quickly as possible to see if we've won. So does anybody have any ideas how to organize this? (doesn't let them answer) Ok, how about this: we divide them into 6 groups of 40, and the remaining 10 can be read by whoever finishes their pile first.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Brenda is shaking out the rugs on the balcony as Monica pouts in the living room.]
Phoebe: (running up) Okay. Okay, heres what were gonna do. Okay, Im gonna break into this mini-van and put it in neutral. You guys push it forward so Ross can drive out of his spot. Okay? All right, here we go. (She opens her coat and reveals that thing car thieves use to break into cars as Ross jumps in behind the wheel. She inserts the device, unlocks the door, opens it, and the alarm goes off.) Haul ass!!!! (Runs off.)
Joey: (throws down a small wad of money, and as his hand twin starts to unfold it, Joey once again brings attention to their special gift to the world. {Y'know, looking at it now, they really don't have that similar of hands. Joey's are bigger.}) Ooh-ho-ho! (The dealer stares at him and he stops.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is getting some coffee as Joey enters. He's looking a little puffy, but that's probably from the large number of different color sweaters he's wearing.]
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey and Chandler have trading the entertainment center for the canoe. Joey is sitting in the bow, staring off into space as to envision his future full of possibilities. Chandler is sitting at the stern, staring into space and is looking at an uncertain future.]
[Scene: Rachels office, Rachel and Sophie are sitting at their desks working as Joanna walks in.]
[Scene: Iridium, Monica is working as Frannie enters.]
(They go to hug but Ross's umbrella opens. He sits back down defeated again. A moment of silence follows as Rachel sits and the others expect her to explain.)
(Monica pushes him off of the sofa as Rachel enters with a shopping bag.)
[Scene: The librarys Paleontology section, Ross is patrolling as a couple walks up.]
Ross: Do you remember the scene with, um, Jabba the Hut? Well Jabba had as, as his prisoner, um, Princess Leia.
[Scene Barry's office, Barry is working on patient, Robbie, as Rachel enters.]
(Rachel goes into her room and Monica enters the living room as Ross is leaving.)
Monica: What you guys don't understand is, for us, kissing is as important as any part of it.
(As Barry exits Robbie stares at Rachel.)
Chandler: Don't think of it as a cigarette. Think of it as the thing that's been missing from your hand. When you're holding it, you feel right. You feel complete.
Ross: ...As in Mouse?
Carol: As in my grandmother.
Agency guy: So, these are the preliminary forms for an open adoption. There's a lot to go over, but I'll explain everything as we go through it.
[Scene: Barry's office, Rachel is doing her makeup in the mirror on Barry's lamp as Barry enters.]
Rachel: Well lets see. Maybe he knows where Ross is. (They walk towards Chandler) Hey, how's it going (tries to look as un-interested in him as possible - checking out her nails).
Paula: Listen. As someone who's seen more than her fair share of bad beef, I'll tell you: that is not such a terrible thing. I mean, they're your friends, they're just looking out after you.
Phoebe: (shouting as he leaves) If you never smoke again I'll give you seven thousand dollars!
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Janine are pretty much making out at one of the tables as Monica and Rachel look on from the couch.]
Joey: You got it! And the rabbis beard, 100% horsehair. Nice catch C.H.E.E.S.E.! (Pauses as he waits for C.H.E.E.S.E.s next line.) Its your line C.H.E.E.S.E.! (Suddenly C.H.E.E.S.E. goes crazy and starts flinging its arms and advancing on Joey behind the desk.) Wayne! Wayne!!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe and Monica are in pajamas and Monica is making something in the blender as Rachel enters.]
(Joey turns off the lights, and they all leave as Rachel starts to clean up. Ross enters from the bathroom.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross and Monica are eating breakfast as Joey enters, very happily.]
[Scene: The Mr. Bowmont, its Joeys second lesson with Rachel as the resident sailing expert.]
(Chandler sulkilty picks up a garbage can lid and uses it as an umbrella.)
Joey: Fine, fine, so, why don't the four of us go out and have dinner together tonight? You know, as friends?
(Notices Ross looking at him and stops. Ross gives him his 'quiet down' maneuver. Okay, this may take a while to explain, so center this on you screen and place your hands about a foot apart with your fingers together and pointing straight up. Now take you fingers and point them at the other hand and making a 90-degree angle with each of your hands and the first knuckle counting up from the wrist. Now take your right hand, no your other right (that was for the dyslexics), and lower it a couple of inches, so that the fingers are pointing at your wrist. Now take your arms and keeping the elbows bent and your hands in front of you spread out your arms, kinda like making a bird's wing. Now hunch your shoulders over and move you hands up and down as if you are trying to tell some one to turn it down. That's Ross 'quiet down' maneuver. Well, there is an accompanying face, but I don't want to try and describe it as well.)
[Scene: Monicas childhood bedroom (which has been turned into a gym), Monica is lying on the treadmill as Phoebe enters.]
[Scene: Central Perk, everyone else is there as Chandler enters.]
Chandler: Yeah! (Monica falls asleep) No! No! No! Dont fall asleep! Okay, I am going to make you some coffee. (Monica doesnt move as he gets out of bed and as hes heading for the door.) And I probably wont spill coffee grounds all over the kitchen floor.
(The lights go up on the stage, Joey, as Freud, is talking to a female patient.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is there as enter except Joey enter.]
Monica: It just makes more sense as an ensemble.
[Scene: The Theater, the play has ended and everyone is applauding. As soon as the cast leaves, the gang all groan and sit down heavily.]
Ross: Ugh, between the traffic that time of day and all the one-way streets itll take me twice as long. Besides, I teach the class three times a week, who am I? Rockefeller?
(Ross and Chandler look at each other and hug as well.)
Monica: No, no, no. They say it's the same as the distance from the tip of a guy's thumb to the tip of his index finger.
[Scene: The Banquet Room, Chandler is under one of the tables as Ross enters.]
(Ross starts stuffing pinecones in the suitcase. As the receptionist walks in, Chandler makes a bird's verse and Ross stops)
[Scene: Chandler's Office, Chandler is on a coffee break as Lowell enters.]
Joey: Yes, I am. As of today, I am officially Joey Tribbiani, actor slash model.
Supervisor: So basically this is very easy. You read from the script and try to sell as much toner as you possibly can.
Ross: Not that big a deal? It's amazing. Ok, you just reach in there, there's one little maneuver, and bam, a bra right out the sleeve. All right, as far as I'm concerned, there is nothing a guy can do that even comes close. Am I right?
Rachel: Well, for your information, Paolo is gonna be in Rome this New Year, so I'll be just as pathetic as the rest of you.
[Joey enters, his shoes have bells on, which jingle as he walks. He is wearing a long coat.]
Ross: How would he like to come with me to the Museum of Natural History after everyone else has left, just the two of us, and he can touch anything he wants. (Mr. Zellner looks shocked). I just heard it as you must have heard it and that’s not good. Let me start again. I’m a paleontologist, you’ll be there with us and the touching refers only to bones… fossils!
[Cut to the hallway, Joey is listening to Chandler and his mom's conversation through the door as Ross walks up.]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel folding and packing clothes in suitcases as Phoebe enters.]
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Phoebe is telling everyone how it went across the hall as the foosball game continues.]
Roger: Oh, just seems as though that maybe you have intimacy issues. Y'know, that you use your humour as a way of keeping people at a distance.
[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there as Phoebe enters.]
(Lorraine leaves. Joey shakes his head as though to say, 'It can't be the same Janice.' Janice enters.)
Phoebe: Have you thought about what you would be giving up? You can't move out of the city, what if you want Chinese food at 5am? Or a fake Rolex that breaks as soon as it rains or an Asian hooker sent right to your door?
Susan: I thought they could...I'll try to get back as soon as I can. I'm sorry. (Ross realizes Kristin was expecting him to laugh, so he starts to laugh hysterically.)
[Scene: The Lamaze class, several couples and one trio sit on the floor, introducing themselves to the teacher, whos got as far as a woman sitting next to Ross, Carol, and Susan.]
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is eating breakfast as Chandler comes out of his bedroom, ripping his coat in the process.]
Monica: Aunt Syl, I did this as a favor, I am not a caterer. What do you want me to do with a dozen lasagnas? (listens to Aunt Syl on phone, looks shocked) Nice talk, Aunt Syl. (in New York accent) You kiss Uncle Freddie with that mouth?
Phoebe: (as though Rachel wasn't paying attention) Yummy noises.
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Chandler, Monica, and Rachel are there as Phoebe enters with her nose stuck in a book.]
Phoebe: Its mostly just dumb sister stuff, you know, I mean, like, everyone always thought of her as the pretty one, you know... Oh, oh, she was the first one to start walking, even though I did it... later that same day. But, to my parents, by then it was like "yeah, right, well what else is new?"
(Chandler puts his face in his hands as Joey and Phoebe start to examine the trash.)
(Rachel grins as Ross removes the girlie jacket, grabs his own, and rushes out.)
Phoebe: Much as you are.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey and Chandler use their knees as a table to support the lasagna.]
Monica: Oh no sweetie, no! This is my fault, I wasnt clear! Im really sorry. And listen, you take as much time as you need to move out okay? Theres absolutely no rush.
[Scene: Chandler's Office, Chandler is working as Nina knocks, then opens the door.]
Rachel: Well, alright, then, forget it. (Getting up to go) Might as well just go home. Ow ow ow ow!
Ross: Oh, that'd be great! Okay, but if you do, make sure it seems like you're there to see him, okay, and you're not like doing it as a favour to me.
Rachel: (Tapping the clipboard) well, now, wait a second, who did I just put as my "In case of emergency" person?
(The whole party gathers round as Ross puts the box on the coffee table.)
Monica: Yes? (jumping as Rachel punches her arm) ..yes, she is.
Rachel (as Monica): Right.
RACHEL: I just can't believe this is happening. I mean, when I was little, everybody's parents were getting divorced. I just figured as a grownup I wouldn't have to worry about this.
Monica (as Rachel): Hi.
Rachel (as Monica): Hi, this is my friend Rachel.
Monica (as Rachel): Thank you.
Monica (as Rachel): ..well, why don't you tell them? After all it, is your ankle.
(As Ross opens the lid, everybody looks at the mess inside.)
Monica: (as Rachel) Hi, Dad. No, no, it's me. (Getting up to move further away from Rachel) li-listen, Dad, I can't talk right now, um, but there's something, um... there's something that I've been meaning to tell you...
Monica: (as Rachel) Yeah... Yeah, I know it's pretty selfish, but haha, hey, that's me. (Indicating a dish on the table) Why don't you try the hummus?
Rachel: (as Monica) And by the way, have I mentioned that back in high school, I was a cow?
Monica: (as Rachel) (Revealing her anger to point at her best friend) We both do that!