words in movies
[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there as Rachel enters.]
Ross: Id bet Id still be doing my kara-tay. (Thats karate, hes just saying it that way.) Towards the end of our marriage I was doing a lot of kara-tay as a way of releasing the tension from yknow, not doing anything else physical.
{Transcribers note: This is where the opening credits are, but theyre not the usual opening credits. Oh no! These credits are based on the world that would have been created had all of the above actually happened. It starts out with all of them at the fountain sitting on the couch as Fat Monica runs up and sits on the arm of the couch, tilting the whole thing towards her. It then goes on to show Rachels still a shop-aholic and with Barry. Fat Monica is sweating while cooking and dancing while eating a donut. Phoebe as the Wall Street shark smoking while on two cell phones. Then theyre dancing in the fountain. Joey entering as Dr. Drake Remoray and meeting a groupie. Chandler trying to write as a bird does its business on his shoulder and falling asleep while typing. Ross doing some kara-tay and trying to get Carol into bed. And finally, some more dancing in the fountain, them all flexing, and the turning out the lamp and shutting off all the lights bit from the first season. Just remember one thing, this is an alternate universe. Everything from every other episode doesnt apply, for instance, Ross and Rachel have no history. And in fact have not seen each other in years in this world.}
Monica's Boyfriend: Can anyone else name a well known seed thats been masquerading as a nut?
(As Joey goes to the bathroom, Corporate Phoebe enters. Shes wearing a business suit and carrying a briefcase.)
Phoebe: Ohh thats so sweet! (Her cell phone rings.) Oh! Hang on! (Quickly grabs a cigarette and starts to light it as her phone rings.) Hang onnnnnn!!! (Gets the cigarette lighted and answers the phone.) (On phone.) Go!! No! No-no! I said sell when it hits 50! 5-0, its a number! It comes after 4-9!! No, its okay. Its okay, youre allowed one mistake. Just kidding, you are of course fired.
(She hangs up as Ross and Rachel enter.)
Monica: Oh my God, sit down! Sit down! How long as it been since weve seen each other?
[Scene: A hospital, Phoebe is recovering from her heart attack as Ross, Monica, and Chandler are there to comfort and support her.]
Joey: Well, that is a large piece of television equipment. (Points at a large piece of television equipment as an old man walks by.) And uh that is an old man! Hey old man!
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica is eating breakfast as Chandler enters.]
Chandler: Well uh, Archie needs money to fix his jalopy (Joey laughs), uh but he doesnt want Reggie to just give him the money. So Reggie hires him as his assistas his butler. And then makes him do all these crazy things like bring him milkshakes that cant have lumps in them.
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica is there as Rachel enters.]
Ross: Come on. (Helps her into bed as her phone rings.) I got it.
[Cut back to the TV, the cops are leading Dr. Wesley out, and as they pass Remoray and Wesley exchange evil glances.]
[Scene: The hospital, Chandler and Monica are there with Phoebe as Ross enters.]
Joey: Sure! As long as they dont find out you can keep whatever you want! And I want you to have it.
[Scene: Phoebes hospital room, Joey and Ross enter as Phoebe comes out of the bathroom wearing her robe.]
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica is making a sandwich as Chandler enters.]
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is there as Rachel storms in.]
Ross: Hey! There are some men who will do whatever it takes to make their marriage work! Okay? There are some men who will stand by and-and watch as their wives engage in-in what only can be described as a twosome with some-some woman she barely knows from the gym!
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica is blowing out a candle as Chandler enters.]
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is singing a new song as the gang looks on.]
It only takes two heart attacks to finally make you see One of them wont do it, but the second one will set you free Tell all your hate and anger, its time to say good-bye And that is just what I will do, soon as those bastards I work for die! La, la-la-la, la-la-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la
Chandler: Okay! (He joins her on one knee) Okay! Okay! Oh God, I thought (Starting to cry, pauses) Wait a minute, I-I can do this. (Pause) I thought that it mattered what I said or where I said it. Then I realized the only thing that matters is that you, (Pause) you make me happier than I ever thought I could be. (Starting to cry again.) And if youll let me, I will spend the rest of my life trying to make you feel the same way. (Pause as he gets out the ring.) Monica, will you marry me?
Phoebe: Thats all right, thats well, I figured.... (they start to leave as Joey enters.)
Monica: Oh my God! Oh my God! (She frantically tries to clean up the bedroom as Richard starts the tour.)
Chandler: Well, then, I might as well offer to stay.
Joey: Hello! (Listens.) Oh yeah! (To Chandler) It's the apartment manager; Ross put us down as references. (To the apartment manager.) Ross is the greatest guy you'll ever meet! Yeah, he's very reliable.
Rachel: Ohh please don't be from a real dinosaur! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! (She picks up the 2 pieces and looks at the stand.) Made in Mexico! Yes!! Ugh, who would buy this?! (Looks for a place to hide it and finds a wall sconce and drops the pieces into it and heads into the kitchen as the phone rings.)
(They all rush toward Rachel, who panics and runs away. She runs out of the park and up along the fence, she then comes back into the park and runs past Monica, as she gets to Monica, she throws the ball at Monica, and it hits her in the eye.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is getting ready to sing as Leslie enters.]
(Sergei says something and leans in to kiss her, but just as hes about to....)
Rachel: Im sorry, as I was saying the store number is wrong, and Im sorry but thats... (notices a fire that Rosss candle has started) Oh my God!!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is eating the picnic as Rachel comes home from work.]
(She kisses him. Ross leans back for a second, and then they both kiss, more passionately this time as U2's With or Without You plays in the background.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Gunther is wiping down the counter as Ross rushes in.]
[Scene: Carol and Susans, Carol is setting a romantic dinner for Susan as there is a knock on the door.]
Ross: ....right? Right? I mean its pretty unbelievable y'know, I mean they just took off, took off without even looking back. Y'know I dont, I dont need them, huh, Ive got you guys now as friends, you and Susan.
Monica: As a joke, this customer at work who has a crush on me gave me a $20,000 tip. His number is on the check, he just did so Id call him.
Ross: Are you sure? Because I can stay out as late as you want. I told you how I'm on sabbatical from work, right?
Alice: Right, not just that. Umm, even though we love each other as much as we do, none the less
Monica: Please... honey, leave the details to me. Now I wanna make this day as special for you as I can. Now, ok, I was thinking that the harpist should wear white.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is there as Ross enters, walking very confidently.]
You don't have to be awake to be my man, As long as you have brainwaves I'll be there to hold your hand. Though we just met the other day, There's something I have got to say...
Joey: Well, why dont you tell me what youre supposed to be! Huh? Because I sure as hell cant figure it out! I talk to you and nothin. You look at me, and its nothin. (He kisses her) Nothing.
Chandler: Look, I want those basketball seats as much as you do! Okay, but we cant leave in the small apartment after weve lived here! Didnt you ever read Flowers for Algernon?
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is telling Phoebe about Mark, as Gunther eavesdrops behind them.]
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is reading a magazine as Rachel approaches.]
Rachel: Now that youre on youre own, youre free to look as stupid as you like.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is watching Quincy M.E. as Chandler is walking into the living room from his bedroom.]
Ross: No, thats, no, as long as youre okay. So Ill ah, Ill see you tomorrow.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is on the phone, Chandler and Monica are sitting in the living room, and Ross is in the kitchen as Rachel enters from her bedroom.]
(Barry finds it draped on a cupboard and gives it to Rachel, they kiss as Bobby enters.)
[cut to Joey as Estelle, Joeys agent, approaches]
Joey: Listen, drama critics theyre nothing but, but people who couldnt make it as actors. You know what you should do?
Monica: (still hiding under the blankets) Did you like her? And Im just asking as a friend, because I am totally fine with this.
Director: Listen Joey, seeing as you've got the most experience, I want you to take these dancers and show them the combination.
Lauren: So long, Vic! (waving good bye as the ladder retracts)
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Joey, and Rachel are there, as Phoebe enters with her date.]
(Rachel goes into the bathroom as the guys continue throwing the ball.)
[cut to Phoebe and Rachel as Monica returns from the bathroom]
[Scene: Backstage at Joeys play, Joey is changing for the next scene as Kate arrives, carrying her bags.]
Phoebe: All right, fine, fine, but if youre my next victim, dont come back as a poltergeist and like suck me into the TV set.
[Scene: The Doctors office, Dr. Zane is examining Phoebe as Frank and Alice watch.]
(She starts walking across the darkened room and hits her head on a wind chime hanging from the ceiling, to stop it from making a noise she grabs it and Shhhs it. She goes into the kitchen and finds Phoebe Sr.s appointment book, to read it she opens the freezer. Just as she starts to read, Phoebe Sr. jumps out from her bedroom with a coat hanger, startling Phoebe.)
[Scene: Rachel's bedroom, Rachel, entering selfish mode, is thanking Ross for wrongly taking the entire blame of the breakup; as if she had absolutely nothing to do with it.]
Ross: (reading from a notepad) I mean, we've been accepting Leakey's dates as a given, but if they're off by even a hundred thousand years or so then you can - you can just throw most of our assumptions, you know, right in the trash. (he throws the notepad in the waste bin) So-so what I am saying is - is is that (he picks the notepad back from the waste bin) is that the repercussions could be huge! I mean, not just in palaeontology, but if-if you think about it, in evolutionary biology, uh, genetics, geology, uh, I mean, truly the mind boggles!
(Robin interrupts her again by complaining loudly to Billy as the camera cuts to them.)
Rachel: (as Monica) Yeah, I know... (mirroring her friend) ..I'm I'm just not that bright either.
Ross: Listen, I-I need a favor. Umm, I was in the shower, and as I was cleansing myself, I ah, I-I, well I felt something.
(As they approach the door, Chandler comes out carrying his duck.)
[Scene: Chandlers office, Chandler is bent over getting some water as his boss approaches.]
Phoebe: Great! Okay, good for you! (as they leave she slaps Rachel on the butt)
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is there with Bonnie, as Rachel enters.]
Chandler: Do you think that theres a town in Missouri or some place called Sample? And ah, as youre driving into town theres-theres like a sign, and it says Youre in Sample. (He says it like urine sample.)
Phoebe: Okay, well yknow what, dont worry you guys, cause Im-Im gonna do this as many times as it takes to get it right.
JULIE: No Cobb, as in cobb salad.
CHANDLER: Now I know it's been awhile, but I took it as a good sign.
(Cue up the music as they move in and kiss. This time I think it's Perry Como, but I'm not sure. It's Everybody loves somebody, sometime! Everybody falls in love somehow! Something in your kiss, just told me, my sometime, is now!)
[Scene: The beach house, Rachels bedroom. She is finishing up writing something as Ross walks through the door.]
(As Bonnie goes to do just that, Rachel smiles to herself, proud of what shes done.)
(She exits just as Bonnie comes down the stairs, as bald as Michael Jordan.)
{Transcriber's Note: Rachel has two friends that are not named, so I referred to them as Friend No. 1 and Friend No. 2.}
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is reading The Shining, as Monica enters.]
(Ross laughs and has a Come on... look on his face as he looks and Chandler who nods his head in agreement with Joey. Ross is stunned.)
Chandler: His legs flail about as if independent of his body!
[Scene: At the Beach, its raining cats and dogs as the gang arrives. Chandler and Monica are taking shelter under Rachels hat.]
Chandler: Hey, look, youre in trouble either way! Okay? If she comes back and sees me locked to this instead of the chair, shes gonna know you were in here. So you might as well just let me go.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is working as Monica enters.]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is reading at the kitchen table as there is a knock on the door.]
Chip: Oh yeah, but I can stay out as late as I want.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is scrapping gum off the table as there is a knock on the door. He goes over and opens it.]
[Cut to Rachels office as her intercom buzzes.]
Phoebe: This used to be your room? (She nods Yes) Wow! You mustve been in really good shape as a kid.
Rachel: No, yknow what? Its gonna be okay. I mean you dont have to have this rustic Italian feast. Yknow? And-and you dont need, you dont need this custom-made, empire waisted, duchess, satin gown; you can wear off the rack. (She starts to cry, as does Monica.)
Chandler: Pheebs, if she could come back as a couch, wed really appreciate it. (Joey nods in agreement)
MR. GREENE: No no no, no no no, neat, as in no rocks.
[Scene: The Theatre, Kate and Joey are rehearsing the same scene as before.]
(She closes the door and puts his tie into his mouth as a gag.)
[Cut to Monica and Rachels apartment as Rachel returns in tears.]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is there as Monica enters carrying a huge stack of newspapers.]
Chandler: Well, Im so confused as to what weve been doing so far
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel and Monica are sitting at the table as Joey enters.]
Mr. Treeger:: Yeah, you could dance real good with her, shes the same size as me.
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel and Monica are sitting on the couch and Phoebe is getting coffee as Chandler enters. Ross is also there.]
Chandler: Would you like me to write her a little poem as well?
Phoebe: Oh, theres no such thing as an innocent burger.
CHANDLER: Hey, look Joey, I'm just saying if you need something to hold you over, I can get you a job right here as an entry level processor.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is watching TV as Joey and Kathy are laughing in Joey's bedroom. They get to be pretty loud so Chandler turns the TV way up.]
Joey: Wow. That's almost as much as a new book.
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is getting a phone number from a woman (Casey) as Chandler watches from the doorway.]
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is watching TV as Chandler enters.]
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is throwing darts, as Joey enters.]
Monica: No! Steady as a rock! Now, are you with me.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is sitting at the counter reading a magazine as the phone rings.]
Monica: Well, Im gonna fill in for him as food critic for the Chelsea Reporter.
Chandler: (on phone) Hey, its me. I know you cant stand to be in the same room as me, so I just thought Id try and apologize over the phone. All I (Joey hangs up the phone in disgust.)
(As they change places, they give each other the now patented Ross maneuver. If you dont know what that means, click here to find out The One With Joey's New Girlfriend.)
Monica: (running from the bathroom to her room, wearing only a towel) Not yet! Not yet! Not yet! Not yet! Not yet! Not yet! Not yet! Not yet! (gets to her room and closes the door, as Rachel gets up to answer the door.)
Monica: Look, I-Im never gonna let you up so you may as well just go away.
[Scene: Phoebes, Frank is watching TV, and hes very depressed as Phoebe enters.]
Chandler: No, it's a book that's just a book, okay? It's an early edition of the Velveteen Rabbit. It was her favorite book as a kid. So, uh, just... let me know if she likes it, okay?
Kathy: Yeah, they teamed us up as partners. Joey picked three scenes for us to do; all of them had us making out.