words in movies
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey, Chandler, and Phoebe are there as Ross enters.]
Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe: Hey!
Chandler: Oh, yeah! How did you meet her?
Chandler: Were you so late because you were burring this woman?
Chandler: How can she be great if shes from Poughkeepsie? (laughs, at they all look at him) That joke wouldve killed in Albany.
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Joey, Rachel, and Phoebe are there.]
Chandler: Hey, look at this! (Holding a newspaper) Theyre lighting the big Christmas tree tonight.
Chandler: All right, who keeps leaving old newspapers in the trash?! I really wanted to take Kathy to this, I cant believe I missed it.
Chandler: Really?! I didnt think girls ever just wanted a fling.
Chandler: Yknow what? Theres some nice guys at my office, do you want me to set you up?
Chandler: Well, I have a girlfriend, Im-Im happy. So, I no longer feel the need to go out of my way to stop others from being happy.
Chandler: Oh and Ross was like what? A lion tamer?
Chandler: Hey, you know what you can do? I remember reading about this director, I think it was Orson Wells, who at the beginning of the movie would hire somebody, just so he could fire them in front of everybody. Then they would all know, whos boss.
Chandler: (he glares at him for a while) Yes.
[Scene: Chandlers office, he is trying to find Rachel a date.]
Chandler: I say, Drew! Are you seeing anybody right now? (Drew looks at him) Og-ee-op, Im not asking for me, Im I mean No, Im-Im not gay, Im not asking you out. Im not-Im not-Im not gay!
Chandler: See my friend-my friend, Rachel, she wants to be set up.
Chandler: Oh, yknow what, that might be okay even if it was just kind of a fling, that might be all right with Rachel.
Chandler: (to Drew) Oh, by the way, that is her full name.
Mike: Hey, Chandler, why dont we talk this over at the Ranger game tomorrow?
Chandler: Oh well, thats uh, a little later than I uh, generally care to stay, but sure!
Chandler: Well, I dont really know what that is, but lets!!
Phoebe: (singing) Happy Chanukah, Monica! May your Christmas be snowy, Joey! Happy New Year, Chandler and Ross. Spin the draddle, Rachel!
Chandler: (entering) Hello, children!
Chandler: (to Rachel) Have I got the 50 guys for you!
Chandler: Oh yeah, I just showed this a picture of you and guys were throwing themselves at me! Theyre buying me drinks! Theyre giving me stuff! (to Joey) Knicks tonight?
Chandler: Wherever! Ive got like 20!
Chandler: Yknow what, Im gonna uh, play the field just a little more.
Rachel: Chandler!
Chandler: Guys are signing over their 401-Ks to me?
Chandler: (pause) Yes. (to Rachel) Okay, theres this one guy, Patrick, I think youre gonna like him, hes really nice, hes funny, hes a swimmer.
Chandler: Yes, and his father invented that magnetic strip on the back of credit cards.
Chandler: See, Im not bad at this fixing up thing, huh?
Chandler: Oh, he works in the Fine Foods division.
Chandler: Its a big company, I dontif youI
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross, Phoebe, and Chandler are there.]
Chandler: Oh yeah! With who?
Chandler: Yeah.
Chandler: Hey, man!
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is there.]
Rachel: (entering) Chandler!! You have the best taste in men!
Chandler: Well, like father, like son.
Chandler: Really?! I-I thought you werent looking for something serious? I thought you were looking for some kind of a fling.
Chandler: Ummmmmmmm, no.
Chandler: Why not?! Id be thrilled if I heard that some hot girl was just looking to getoh I see.
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is working on her holiday song, Chandler is sitting on the couch reading a magazine, and Ross is sleeping on the couch.]
Phoebe: (singing) Happy, happy Chanukah, Chandler and Monica. Very merry
Chandler: (interrupting) Oh, yknow, yknow what Pheebs?
Chandler: Im not Jewish, so
Chandler: Bad dream?
Chandler: Oh yeah, then uh, what was Phoebes song about?
Chandler: Prague?
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is playing living room golf as Rachel enters. Rachel sees this and holds the door open until Chandler is ready to start his swing, when he is, she slams the door shut which causes the club to fly from his hands. He turns around, shocked.]
Rachel: Chandler! Patrick just uh, ended things with me. Did you or did you not tell him that I was looking for a serious relationship?
Chandler: I did! I absolutely did!
Chandler: Im sure youre right, but why?
Chandler: Oh, man. Im sorry, Im so-so sorry.
Chandler: I know! I know!
Chandler: Well, yknow, youre-youre gonna meet somebody! Youre a great catch! Yknow when I was telling all those guys about you, I didnt have to lie once. (He sits down on the arm of her chair)
Chandler: Yeah! You graduated Magma Ku Laude, right?
Chandler: Oh, it doesnt matter. (Kisses her on the top of her head.) Hey, yknow what, Ive got two tickets to tonights Rangers game, you wanna come with me?
Chandler: Well, actually its a hockey team, so its angry Canadians with no teeth.
Chandler: Have you ever been with a woman?
Rachel: What?! Chandler, what is the matter with you?!
Chandler: So there is no good time to ask that question.
Monica, Moncia, have a happy Chanukah. Saw Santa Clause, he said hello to Ross. And plese tell Joey, Christmas will be snowy! And Rachel and Chandler, have err-umm-glander!!"
[The next flashback is from The One With The Candy Hearts. Joey and Chandler are waiting at a restaurant as Lorraine and her friend arrive.]
(Cut to the hall. Owen is wearing his scout-uniform and is looking through a box when Chandler walks up to him.)
(Nina beams flirtatiously at Chandler, who catches her drift, but for once hes lost for something to say – so she nods her head to tell him that hes thinking correctly...)
Chandler: Now sweetie, I know you dont like my office parties, but you can wear your new boots. See? Every cloud has a supple leather lining.
Joey: (voice-over) Oh, and then Monica joked that she wouldnt go out with a guy like Chandler...
Joey: All right, who got Chandler? Cause I uh, need to trade.
Chandler: No, no, but they are going to lease us a Ford Focus. (Monicas not impressed.) Ill get out of it.
Chandler: Whoa-whoa, wait a minute, did you say, you love her?
Chandler: Ahh yes, the messers become the messies!
Chandler: Y'know, how did I get this reputation as a dropper? Okay? I'm anything but a dropper. (We see various scenes of him dropping a football, a mug of coffee, the phone, an apple, a Frisbee, a record, and the final scene has a ball bouncing off of his chest. I'm not going to describe them, you'll have to see them.)
Chandler: Um, ok... the... the fifth dentist caved and now they're all recommending Trident?
[Scene: A nightclub, Chandler is having dinner with Kathy and Joey.]
[Scene: A hospital hallway, Chandler is sitting on a gurney with his hands spread out behind his back. Then Monica comes and plops down on the gurney and one of his hands. Chandler immediately recoils in extreme pain.]
Ross: (laughs) Muriel. Wh-why would he call you Muriel? (Ross realizes something.) Oh my God! Chandler M Bing? Its not just an M, your middle name is Muriel!!
CHANDLER: Hey I didn't kill your fish. Look Eddie...[puts his hand on Eddie's shoulder] Would you look at what I'm doin' here. That can't be smart. So we're just gonna take this guy right off ya and put him here in Mr. Pocket. Tangellon? [picks up the fruit an tosses it to Eddie, it hits Eddie in the chest and falls]
(He puts his leg up on the couch to get the quarter, once again exposing himself to Chandler and Ross. In horror, Chandler, slides over and leans against Joey on the couch.)
Monica: (looking at her hand) Yknow what shoes would look great with this ring? Diamond shoes! (Sees Chandler sitting on the bed.) Youre not getting dressed. (Chandler quietly folds over the comforter on the bed making a spot for her.)
Chandler: Is that a hint? Because we love you Doctor Connelly but we don't think we'd want you to be our child! (Dr. Connelly glares at him) Wow, talking about an inhospitable environment!
(Chandler tries to take it, but Monica wont let go. He tugs harder, and she still doesnt budge.)
Chandler: That all the pieces of my life are falling right into place!
Chandler: Y'know, I sensed that I should stop. So we're okay?
Chandler: The only reason you're doing this to Joey is because you're bored. Okay, it's not his fault that you're unemployed.
Chandler: Did you see Betty?
[Cut to Chandler trying to hint to Monica that he wanted to move in with her in The One After Vegas.]
Monica: Me too! Yeah, Chandler cant stand it. He wont even allow me to have blue cheese in the house.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. They are watching a Miracle Wax info-mercial.]
{Transcriber's Note: The credits list two characters, Tia and Samantha, who I assume are the sweaty women Joey and Chandler meet. However, I don't know which is which, so I've simply called them Woman #1 and Woman #2.}
[Scene: Las Vegas, we have the typical glamour shots of Vegas, the Strip, slot machines, a couple other gaming tables all set to the tune of you guessed it, Money. Anyhoo, we finally get through that and watch Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe enter Caesar's Palace carrying their luggage.]
Chandler: Huh! So that's what I would look like if I worked out... and was being serviced by a policeman. You're not actually going to send these out are ya?
Chandler: No, no, Ross and Rachel will be back soon and then I gotta go to the office (Pulls another balloon out of his mouth) Am I producing them?
Chandler: OH MY GOD! When you came in I switched the channel, I was just watching regular porn
(Joey finishes climbing the stairs and sees them. Chandler and Rachel both stop and look up at him. Joey sits down on the step.)
Chandler: Hey-hey-hey Rachel, funny thing. Actually, the ah, end zone starts at that pole, so youre five feet short, so we win!
Chandler: You are totally and completely 100% forgiven.
Rachel: (blushing) Oh, what a line. (walks towards the drinks table with her back towards Chandler and whispers "Oh my God!")
Chandler: Hm-hmm, I told you! (Looks at the clock) I cant believe that Ive only got two hours before I call in sick for work.
Chandler: Yeah, well, I miss the tip! It's the best part. It has the nail. (He storms out.)
Chandler: Hey! Babe! Arent you excited were going on our honeymoon?
Rachel: (seeing him) Chandler, what are you doing? There is a trash can right there.
Chandler: (excited) Guys, guys, I've got great news! Guess what Joey: Uh, ah, Monica's pregnant?! Monica: (shocked) Really? (She looks around, suddenly embarrassed) Let's get past the moment. Phoebe: What's your news? Chandler: Thank you. I got a job in advertising. (Everybody cheers) Monica: (hugging Chandler) Oh, honey, that's incredible! Phoebe: (inquisitive) Gosh, what's the pay like? (Everybody stares at her indignantly) Oh, come on people (defending) come on, now, if I don't know who makes the most, how do I know who I like the most! (She looks at Joey) Hey Joey! (Joey winks at her) Chandler: Actually, it pays nothing. It's an internship. Joey: Oh, that's cool. We have interns at 'Days Of Our Lives'. Chandler: Right. So, it'll be the same except less sex with you. (Joey nods) Ross: So, uh, what kinda stuff do you think they'll have you do there? Chandler: Well, it's a training program, but at the end, they hire the people they like. Phoebe: (enthusiastic) That's great. Chandler: Yeah, I mean, there's probably gonna be some ground work which will probably stink, you know, grown man getting people coffee is a little humiliating (At the same time, Gunther puts down a cup of coffee in front of Chandler) Chandler: (grinning awkwardly) Humiliating and noble! (Gunther shoots a nasty look at him while leaving) Ross: You know, if I didn't already have a job, I think, I would have been really good in advertising. Monica: Ross, you did not come up with "got milk?" Ross: Yes, I did, I did! (He turns to Joey, disappointed) I should have written it down!
MONICA: There's no man in here.� How dare you accuse me of that.� (She slaps Chandler.)
CHANDLER: You know I think he will be surprised, 'till he realizes he's a monkey, and uh, you know, isn't capable of that emotion.
Joey: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! You just take a big, big swing. Now, dont hold back. (He dons his protective helmet (Why, I have no clue.) and Phoebe picks up a wooden baseball bat and starts to swing as Chandler and Monica enter.)
Chandler: I see. Yknow umm, Phoebe makes sock bunnies.
Chandler: Okay so you mean no as in, "Gee Chandler, what an interesting idea. Lets discuss it before we reject it completely."
Chandler: Ok, we all laughed when you did it with the stuffing, but that's not funny anymore.
Joey: Youre right. Youre right. I-Ill go tell her now before Ross finds out and Ill be gentle. I can do that. I am a gentle person. Oh, by the way. Two people screwing in there (Points to the closet Chandler and Monica were in) if you want to check that out.
(With that we go into a little flashback about the guys memories of the duck. The first one is Joey playing with him in the bathtub and drying him off. Then its Chandler sitting on his couch after they moved into the girls apartment, and Chandler reading to him in bed, and him watching Baywatch when all they had was the canoe and the duck was in a bucket of water. Then we see Ross eating some cereal and the duck watching him. He takes a lamp and moves the duck off of the table. Then its Chandler shooing them out of the bathroom in the girls apartment, Joey revealing their disco cubby hole in the entertainment-center, then Chandler playing Hide-and-Go-Seek with them, and its concluded with various scenes with the duck flapping its wings. And the guys staring into the distance in remembrance of the duck.)
Rachel: Well lets see. Maybe he knows where Ross is. (They walk towards Chandler) Hey, how's it going (tries to look as un-interested in him as possible - checking out her nails).
(Chandler stares at him, dumbfounded, then finally agrees.)
Chandler: Trust me, you dont want him there either. Okay? Nobody is gonna be staring at the bride when the father of the groom is wearing a back-less dress.
Mrs. Geller: So Chandler, youre parents mustve been thrilled when you told them you were engaged.
Chandler: All right, look, if you insist on wearing that, in public, yknow, youre gonna spend the rest of the afternoon all by yourself.
Joey and Chandler: (stopping her) Oh no-no-no-no!
Chandler: I am sorry I am late. You�ll understand when you�ll see Joey.
Chandler: everything's great, just watching some regular television there, what a pleasant surprise. (She hugs him, and she knows what he was doing so she looks at the TV and sees sharks swimming around thinking Chandler was giving himself a treat to sharks.)
Ross: Okay umm, why dont we all take a seat, yknow? And uh, and Ill get us all some uh some coffees(He goes to pull out Elizabeths chair, but Paul steps in)Yeah, why dont you. (Paul pulls out her chair) Uh and you guys can talk about whatever, whatever you want. Yknow? Whatever pops into your head. (He turns his back to Paul and Elizabeth and points to himself for Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe. Then he goes to order the coffee.)
CHANDLER: Oh well it's not me, it's my character, Chandy. Yeah the rogue processor who seduces his co-worker's wives for sport and then laughs about it the next day at the water cooler. In fact, I have her panties right there in my drawer.
Ross: Yeah, um, okay see, you were, you were on the list but my friend, Chandler (Chandler waves) brought up the very good point that you are international, so I bumped you for Wynona Rider, local.
Chandler: No! I want a flabby gut and saggy man breasts!
CHANDLER: Sorry, you had a paleontologist on your face. But, uh, it's gone now, you're alright.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey, Ross, and Monica are still playing catch, with Chandler looking on. Joey throws the ball to Monica who catches it and whips it at Ross.]
Joey: (Whispering.) Pisst, Monica. Alright, we really need to start looking out for Rachel. Ill cover the front door. You watch that big hole at the back of the building and I got Chandler covering Ross.
ROSS: I've no idea, could be. Listen, I'm sorry I had to work tonight. RACHEL: Oh it's OK. You were worth the wait, and I don't just mean tonight. [they kiss] ROSS: You're not laughing. RACHEL: This time it's not so funny. [They kiss and start undressing. As Rachel tries to pull off Ross's tie she catches it in his mouth. Then they roll across the fur rug.] RACHEL: Ah, oh God. Oh, honey, oh that's OK. ROSS: What. Oh no, you just rolled over the juice box. RACHEL: Oh, thank God. [Scene: Museum of Natural History. The next morning Rachel and Ross are sleeping in the display under a fur.] ROSS: Hi. RACHEL: Hi you. I can't believe I'm waking up next to you. ROSS: I know it is pretty unbelievaaaaah. RACHEL: What? ROSS: We're not alone. [A church youth group is outside the display watching them] CLOSING CREDITS [Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. They are still in their chairs, watching Beavis and Butthead.] [they're laughing along with the show when an alarm goes off] JOEY: Is that the fire alarm? CHANDLER: Yeah. [feels the floor] Oh it's not warm yet, we still have time. JOEY: Cool.
CHANDLER: Ok, think, what would Jack and Chrissy do?
Chandler: Yes, Joey's made arrangements to have his baby in a movie from the 50's.
Joey: All right. Chandler, you can either spin the wheel or pick a Google card.
Chandler: Yes. (In a stronger voice) Yes!
Chandler: (looking at the answering machine) Hey, there's two messages. These could be from work!
Chandler: Uhh, a T-shirt that says, "I dont belong here."
Monica: I know. Lets try a look of far off wonderment. Okay, well-well gaze into our future and well think about our marriage and the days to come. (Chandler is still not getting it.) Chandler! What is the matter with your face?! I mean this picture is supposed to say "Geller and Bing to be married," not "Local woman saves drowning moron!" (The photographer laughs.) Hey! Dont laugh at him! Hes my drowning moron!
[Scene: Chandlers and Monicas apartment, Chandler and Monica are sitting at the kitchen table making potpourri sachets.]
[Scene: Monica and Chandlers bedroom, Monica is sleeping and Chandlers sitting in bed, wide awake.]
[Flashback to Joeys thirtieth birthday party. It is being held in Monica and Chandlers apartment.]
Monica: Believe me, Chandler and I have not seen each other in over a week. We�ll probably be the first ones there.
Chandler: Maybe Monica has a bobby pin.
Chandler: Whos he huggin?
Chandler: The problem is, though, after the concert's over, no matter how great the show was, you girls are always looking for the comedian again, y'know? I mean, we're in the car, we're fighting traffic... basically just trying to stay awake.
Joey: Okay. Im Chandler (makes a growling/gurgling sound at the end and the girls laugh.)
Monica: Okay, I'm gonna go check on something across the hall. You start by washing these (she gives Chandler a bowl with cranberries. Then, while she's going outside, she sees him with a bottle of soap in his hands) Not with soap!! (she leaves)
Monica: Yeah Joey shes Rachels got this really big work problem, and it is a head scratcher. Wow! (To Chandler) Yknow what, if were gonna make dinner were gonna have to leave. Yeah. (She and Chandler exit.)
Chandler: Well yeah! But now that I know that youre having these thoughts, Im back to panic, anxiety, and uh Im definitely gonna need some kind of sports drink.
Chandler: Well, you could also give back the money you owe me.
Chandler: Be right there sweetums. (Monica leaves. To Joey.) A totally different situation.
(Monica plays those words back in her mind and then smiles and runs to Chandler, who is twisting with joy. They hug.)
Chandler: (in a feminine way) Oh my God! (and he jumps all around)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler walks in, wearing a suit.]
Chandler: Yes, but I just had one. Two. Two tiny cigarettes. Okay, five. A pack. Two pack�a�a carton. Three big fat cartons in two days. (How many cigarettes are there in one pack and how many packs in one carton in the US?) But it�s over, I made a decision, I�m not gonna smoke anymore.
Chandler: Well, if the magician can open my beer with his but cheeks, then all right.
[Mr. Greene opens the door to Chandler and Joeys apartment. Ross sees him and runs to the door forcing him back in then holds onto the door knob.]
Chandler: Really? So, you're gonna stick with this 'it's all for her' thing?
Chandler: From a bullet!
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is baby-chick sitting.]
Chandler: well, well, well it must be five in Tulsa because it's six o clock IN NY.C!
Chandler: Oh, that would be Monica. Hey, listen, I wanna borrow a coupla things, Aurora spent the night, I really wanna make her breakfast.
Chandler: But I am willing to offer her all those things. This was just a plan, yknow? A way to throw her off course so that when I offered her all these things, shed be surprised!
Chandler: You know, I may be way out on a limb here, but do you, do you, have a problem with Janice?
Chandler: All right Ill have one. (he and Ross take another brownie,)
Phoebe: And... moment's over! (Rachel, Joey and Chandler all turn and look disapprovingly towards Monica but she just shrugs it off) So, ok, uh, I can forget that. I can forget that and uhm... (she's flipping cards skipping half of them) Oh this is funny! Oh, but you need to know that to... that, to... Oh, ok, well, uhm, I (Monica is miming CUT). Ok, ok, I, ok, I.... MONICA I CAN'T DO IT LIKE THIS! THIS IS MY WEDDING! OKAY, I DON'T WANT THIS (she mimes Monica's when she was twirling her hands) OR THIS (she taps her watch) OR THIS (she mimes CUT) OK? I JUST WANTED A SIMPLE WEDDING! WHERE MY FIANCEE CAN GO TO THE BATHROOM ANYTIME HE WANTS! (pause) You know what? You're done.
Ross: Oh and you know what, it will be even better tomorrow, because I won't be constantly interrupted by Joey checking to see if they put chocolates on my pillow yet. (Someone knocks on the door, Ross goes to open and it's Joey, Rachel and Chandler).