words in movies
[Scene: A beauty parlour, Rachel is getting a manicure while Chandler, yes Chandler, is getting a petticure (Does that scare you that I know those terms? Well, it scares me.).]
Chandler: Y'know, I can't believe I'm getting my nails done! And you said it was gonna be fun! (pause) Which it kinda is. Also, you said there would be other guys here. There are no other guys here!
Rachel: Chandler, theres a guy right over there. (Points to the counter)
Chandler: Thats a mailman! Thats our mailman! (Waves to the mailman) (Sarcastic) Hi. How are ya?
Rachel: Chandler, dont worry! This doesnt make you any less of a guy! (Chandler starts blowing on his fingernails like women do.) That does! (Chandler stops blowing.) What am I sitting on? (She looks and finds a huge nail.) I hate to think what this woman was scratching when this broke off.
Chandler: Hey, you know who used to have nails like that?
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and Rachel's, Rachel and Joey are standing at the counter. Monica is flipping a light switch on and off next to the door.]
Chandler: (entering, with Janice in tow) Hello!
Chandler: Isnt this amazing?
Janice: I just came up to say, "Hi!" Hi! (to Chandler) And you, sweetie, Ill see you tonight.
Chandler: Okay. Bye.
Chandler: Bye.
Chandler: Bye.
Chandler: B-bye!
Chandler: Bye. (Finally closes the door on her.) (After its closed) I cant stand the woman! (Phoebe is shocked, Joey is relieved.)
Chandler: Yeah, I know, but all of those little annoying things she did before we fell in love? Like her voice, her laugh, her personalityWell, theyre all back! Yknow? And shes picked up like nine new ones!
Chandler: Dont worry about it. Im taking care of it tonight. (Chandler opens the fridge and grabs something to drink.)
Chandler: (standing in the door of the fridge) Well, I dont have to break up with her this time. Were not involved! Im going to do a pre-emptive strike! Im going to end it with her before it starts. My ass is like frozen! (Closes the fridge.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is attempting his pre-emptive strike.]
Chandler: Yes, I-I know that you do, but I think one of the reasons people were complaining though, was that they paid to hear the actor sing Old Man River.
Chandler: (laughs) Okay, we have to talk. Im just getting out of a very serious relationship
Chandler: Right! I just think that this is happening too soon.
Chandler: I hear ya. (Pause) But! Unfortunately, my company is transferring me overseas!
Chandler: No! No! Not, Paris.
Chandler: Okay, could you just stop talking for a second? (Thinks) Yemen. Thats right, yes, Im being transferred to Yemen!
Chandler: I dont know exactly.
Janice: Ugh, well I will just have to soak up every once of Chandler Bing until that moment comes.
Chandler: But I do know that its some time tomorrow.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe and Monica are plugging in a bunch of electronics.]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, Ross, Joey, and Rachel are watching rugby on TV as Phoebe enters.]
Chandler: Yknow uh, you didnt really have to help me pack.
Chandler: Well, I-I thought I did but, I-I guess I did not!
Chandler: Oh, Im packing. Yknow Im-Im packing cause Im moving to Yemen tomorrow.
Chandler: Im only going to pretend Im moving to Yemen, its the only way I can get rid off her.
Janice: (leaning in from the bedroom) Chandler! Come on, Im gonna show how to roll up your underwear and stuff it in your shoes. Its a real space saver.
Janice: Okay, Chandler, come on!
Chandler: (to Janice) Okay. (to Joey) Joey, trade lives with me!
Joey: All right, come on look, Ross can take care of himself! Its not like hes Chandler!
Chandler: (from his bedroom) Thanks!
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and Rachels, Monica is going over some plans as Rachel enters.]
[Scene: The airport, the Yemen Express counter, Chandler is still trying to get rid of Janice.]
Chandler: Yknow you, really didnt have to take me to the airport.
Chandler: Well, were really not that close. (Pause) Okay, so I guess this is uh, good-bye then.
Chandler: Okay. Then I guess its just, wait here then. (Hands her the sign that says, Wait Here.") (To the ticket agent) Hi. I need one fake ticket to Yemen.
Chandler: Oh no-no-no, no. No, no, no, I just, I just need a pretend ticket.
Chandler: What would you give to a kid if he wanted a ticket to play with?
Chandler: No. All right, yknow what, shes (Points to Janice) gonna think that Im handing you a credit card, but what Im really gonna do is hand you a library card.
Chandler: (to the ticket agent) American Express?
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and Rachels, Monica is reading a book as Rachel returns.]
Chandler: Well, I-I guess I gotta go.
Chandler: Well, just until we find an energy source to replace fuel.
Chandler: Okay, good-bye. Good-bye.
(He gives the agent his ticket and walks onto the jetway. Janice walks over and looks out the window. Chandler walks back into the terminal and tries to walk right past Janice, but she sees him.)
Janice: Chandler?
Chandler: No!
Janice: Chandler!
Chandler: Janice! There you are! There you are! I had to have one last kiss, and also-also you said that you were going to leave right after I got on the plane!
Chandler: Well, I then guess Im going to Yemen! Im going to Yemen! (To this old woman also going to Yemen.) When we get to Yemen, can I stay with you?
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and Rachels, Monica has finally given up on her search to find what the light switch does and is now flicking it on and off aimlessly.]
[Cut to Chandler and Joeys, Joey and Phoebe are watching TV. The TV is turning off and on, and each time Phoebe is blinking her eyes like the Genie did. The switch obviously controls the outlet which the TV is plugged into.]
Chandler and Joey: What are you doing? What are you doing? What are you doing?
Chandler: Wh-what?
Chandler: Y'know what, it doesnt matter, cause she picked me. Me! From now on I get the dates and you have to stay home on Saturday nights watching Ready, Set, Cook!
Chandler: Were not gonna lose to girls.
Rachel: God, isn't this exciting? I earned this. I wiped tables for it, I steamed milk for it, and it was totally(opens envelope)not worth it. Who's FICA? Why's he getting all my money? I mean, what- Chandler, look at that.
Chandler: (to bartender) Can I get a beer.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel, Phoebe, Chandler, and Joey are eating Thanksgiving dinner.]
Chandler: Well, you dont you have Captain Hook explain it to her.
[Scene: Monicas, Chandler and Monica are still hugging each other.]
Chandler: (reading the comics) Eh..., I dont, I dont know.
Ross: Chandler, I want you to run a post pattern to the left, okay. And sweetie..
Chandler: (thinks about it) Yeah?
Chandler: So ah, whatcha watching?
Rachel: (to Chandler) Eh, do you believe that?
Ross: Just admit it Chandler, you have no backhand.
Chandler: Look out kids, hes coming! (Ross continues to leave with his head down in shame.)
Joey: (He turns around to Chandler looking for approval to go with Rachel, Chandler mouths Come on!) (turning back to Rachel) Ross, did ask us first, and we set that night aside.
[Chandler makes a noise of absolute disgust and heads into the living room.]
Chandler and Phoebe: ...in you, my endless (Phoebe goes high pitched, Chandler goes low pitched) love. (they both look at each other.) My endless love. (once again they dont match tones, and they just look at each other)
Ross: Okay! You guys are getting married tomorrow and-and I couldnt be more thrilled for both of you, but as Monicas older brother I-I have to tell you this. If you ever hurt my little sister, if you ever cause her any unhappiness of any kind, I will hunt you down, and kick your ass! (Chandler laughs.) What? Im-Im-Im serious! (Chandler laughs harder.) ComeHey! Dude! Stop it! Okay? Im-Im not kidding here!
(Phoebe turns and looks at Monica, while Joey frantically motions to Chandler to help him out.)
Chandler: I Think last night was great. You know, the Karaoke thing. Tracy and I doing Ebony and Ivory.
Chandler: Hey! Hold on a minute, hold on a second. Do you think these pearls are nice?
[We see Chandler lighting up a cigarette.]
Chandler: He's not right for the part. So if I suggest him, my bosses are gonna think I'm an idiot! And that's something they should learn on their own!
Monica: Chandler!!
(Chandler mouths Okay.)
Phoebe: Chandler what are you doing?!
Chandler: (jumps back and points at the cigarette) Oh my God!
Chandler: (to Joey) Does this mean were gonna have to start paying for coffee? (Joey shrugs his shoulders.)
(Chandler and Joey both laugh)
Ross: ....and 12, 22, 18, four... (Chandler starts laughing) What?
Chandler: I spelled out boobies.
Chandler: Well, actually, yesterday I was smoking again. Today, Im, Im smoking still.
Chandler: Oh my God, how did you do that?
Chandler: So, how many have you sold so far?
Chandler: Me! On my computer.
Joey: (to everyone) Oh my God! He's trapped in an ATM vestibule with Jill Goodacre! (on phone) Chandler, listen. (says something intentionally garbled)
Chandler: Look, Im telling you this is just like my parents divorce, which is when I started smoking in the first place.
Chandler: Something else I might have said?
Rachel: Hey-hey-hey thats funny! Your funny Chandler! Your a funny guy! You wanna know what else is really funny?!
Chandler: You-you-you dont wanna give into the fear.
Chandler: Run, Joey! Run for your life! (runs out)
[Cut to Chandler, Joey, and Ross's apartment, Rachel enters and sneaks up to Chandler's bedroom where she overhears Chandler and Monica talking.]
Chandler: Oh God, I can't believe I'm even considering this... I'm very very aware of my tongue...
Chandler: You dont, like go into the back of my closet, and look under my gym bag or anything?
Chandler: Thats a good idea, Dear Janice have a Hubba-Bubba birthday. I would like to get her something serious.
Chandler: (reading the paper) Says here that a muppet got whacked on Seasame Street last night. (to Ross) Where exactly were around ten-ish?
[Cut to later, all except Chandler are staring out the window at Ugly Naked Guy.]
Chandler: (to Rachel, whos entering) Hey! Howd the interview go?
Chandler: Tell us what happened, Brown Bird Ross.
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Phoebe, and Ross are there.]
Chandler: Ah, Kim Basinger, Cindy Crawford, Halle Berry, Yasmine Bleeth, and ah, Jessica Rabbit.
Chandler: Pheebs, wake up and smell the restraining order.
Chandler: Its like Night of the Living Dead Christmas Trees.
Chandler: Y'know what Rach, maybe you should just, y'know stay here at the coffee house.
Chandler: (to Ross) Should I tell her I ordered tea?
(Chandler is getting ready to kick off, Ross is holding the ball between his foot and finger.)
Chandler: My Catholic friend is right. She's distraught. You're there for her. You pick up the pieces, and then you usher in the age of Ross! (Ross and Chandler look off into the distance. Joey, wondering what they are looking at, looks in the same direction)
Chandler: Mazel tov!
Chandler: Oh thats great, with my luck, thats gonna be him.
Chandler: I just saw Janice.
(Joey starts to return the fumble and Chandler grabs Joeys shirt and rips it off of his back.)
Chandler: Yes, but you ended up having sex with both of them that afternoon.
Ross: Hey Chandler, theres a party tomorrow, youll feel better then.
Chandler: Oh, y'know what, Im gonna be okay, you dont have to throw a party for me.
[Scene: The hallway between the apartments, Ross is bringing Sarah to Joey and Chandlers.]
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, its Joeys party.]
Chandler: (to Monica) Take off your shirt!
Chandler: Yeah, she was at Rockefeller Center skating with her husband, she looked so happy. I almost feel bad for whipping that kids pretzel at them.
Monica: (to Chandler) Stick out your tongue.
Joey: Chandler!
Chandler: Yeah, Jell-o just like Mom used to make.
Ross: Wait a minute, one box! Come on, Im trying to send a little girl to Spacecamp, Im putting you down for five boxes. Chandler, what about you?
Chandler: Hi Joeys sisters!
Chandler: (to Monica) Okay, how many of that girl are you seeing?
(Cut to Chandler)
Sister 1: (to Chandler) What cha doing?
Chandler: Okay! You dont think I thought of that?
Chandler: Hey! Well, Ive been preparing for that my entire life! Or something about you thats mean!
Ross: (to Rachel) You see what men do! Dont tell me men are not nice! (points to Chandler) This is men!!
Chandler: I cant remember which sister.
Joey: Come on!! (motions for Chandler to come with him)
Joey: Or maybe it's because this guy's doing so good they wanna put more people on it. (Chandler pours some juice in a glass.) You should see this guy, Chandler, he goes through two bottles a day.
Chandler: Why cant we talk in here? With, with, witnesses.
Chandler: Yep, Im in a tree.
Chandler: Its gotta be the first one.
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Phoebe is still writing in her book, Chandler and Monica are in the kitchen as Joey enters.]
Joey: (angrily entering, to Chandler) Can I talk to you for a second?!
Rachel: Hey. (they all walk away from Chandler)
Chandler: Well, thats the part where you tell him that I moved to France. When actually Ill be in Cuba.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross is reading a letter that Chandler wrote.]
Chandler: Come on. An 80-foot inflatable dog let loose over the city. How often does that happen?
(Chandler sticks out is tongue and its a horrible shade of green.)
Chandler: What if Mary-Angela comes to the door and I ask for Mary-Angela?
Chandler: Wheres Mary-Angela?
Joeys Sisters: Hey, Chandler!
Rachel: Chandler! Youre smoking? What are you doing?!
Chandler: Im here to see Mary-Angela.
Chandler: Hey, shut up!! Youre not my real Mom!!