words in movies
[Scene: In a TV commercial that the gang is watching at Monica and Rachel's.]
[A guy is sitting at his desk and his boss comes in and drops a huge pile of papers on his desk. The guy looks dejected.]
COMMERCIAL VOICEOVER: Can't get the monkey off your back? Then put it in your mouth...
[A monkey jumps on the desk and hands the guy a beer. He opens the beer and is suddenly on the beach, in a hammock, with beautiful women all around.]
ROSS: I meant because the monkey in it reminds me of Marcel.
RACHEL: Oh, Ross, you had to, I mean, he was humping everything in sight. I mean, I have a Malibu Barbi that will no longer be wearing white to her wedding.
ROSS: Remember when sometimes he'd borrow your hat, and, and when you got it back there'd be little monkey raisins in it.
RACHEL: Ya know, in crazy world, that means you're married.
MONICA: This wasn't addressed to Days of Our Lives, this is, this came to your apartment. There's no stamp on it, this woman was in our building.
ROSS: Well, there's this, uh, paleontology conference in L.A. so I figured I'd go and then drive down to the zoo and surprise Marcel.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler and Joey are standing around in the kitchen.]
CHANDLER: Well we could just stay in and cook for ourselves. [both laugh hysterically]
CHANDLER: [Joey grabs a frying pan] Yes, hitting her with a frying pan's a good idea. We might wanna have a backup plan, though, just in case she isn't a cartoon.
[Both run back in their apartment. There's a knock at the door.]
[Joey opens the door and sees Erica (Brooke Shields). Joey gets a huge smile and Chandler squeezed the dish soap in the air.]
CHANDLER: Well, you remember Cathy Bates in Misery?
CHANDLER: Hey, just because this woman thinks she can actually see Joey through the magical box in her living room doesn't mean she's not a person. I mean, does she not deserve happiness, does she not deserve love? What're you lookin' at me for? He's the one who wants to boff the maniac.
PHOEBE: No, uh-uh, I'm just, I'm nervous. So, you know what, maybe if I just, if I picture them all in their underwear.
JOEY: Yeah, that was a tricky one. In reality, that operation takes like, over 10 hours, but they only showed it for 2 minites.
ERICA: Well, yes, yes, the best doctor in all of Salem, Dr. Drake Remore.
JANITOR: Meet me in the nocturnal house in 15 minutes.
PHOEBE: Thank you for coming everybody. There're cookies in the back.
[Scene: San Diego Zoo. Ross and the janitor are in the nocturnal house.]
JANITOR: Your monkey found a new career, in the entertainment field. That's all I know.
PHOEBE: Today we're gonna start with some songs about barnyard animals. [singing] Oh, the cow in the meadow goes moo, Oh, the cow in the meadow goes moo. Then the farmer hits him on the head and grinds him up, And that's how we get hamburgers. Nooowww, chickens!
JOEY: Hey Erica, c'mon in.
ERICA: How did you get here so fast, I just saw you in Salem?
JOEY: Right, they uh, they choppered me in. What's up?
ERICA: Sabrina. I know about you two. I saw you today kissing in the doctor's lounge.
ERICA: You told me I was the only one. [throws a glass of water in his face]
RACHEL: Oh, I know, I know. [Turns on the TV. Joey in on it.]
RACHEL: Yes, yes it is true. And I know this because, because he pretended to be Drake to, to sleep with me. [throws water in his face]
MONICA: And then he told me he would run away with me, and he didn't. [throws water in his face]
CHANDLER: And you left the toilet seat up, you bastard. [throws water in his face]
JOEY: Yes, I'm afraid it is. You deserve much better than me Erica. You deserve to be with the real Drake, he's the one you fell in love with. Go to Salem, find him, he's the guy for you.
JOEY: Right. Goodbye Erica, good luck in Salem. Take care
ERICA: I'll never forget you Hans. [Joey shuts the door in her face]
ROB: The library board has had a lot of complaints from parents about some of the stuff in your songs.
ROSS: Well, I tracked down Marcel and get this, he's healthy, he's happy, and he's right here in New York filming Outbreak II - The Virus Takes Manhattan.
ROSS: This is so exciting, I haven't seen my monkey in almost a year.
CHANDLER: What, you never look down in the shower? Oh please. I'm not allowed to make one joke in the monkey-is-penis genre?
SECURITY GUARD: Yeah, and I have a time share in the Pocanos with Flipper.
ROSS: Hey, hey buddy, Marcel. Marcel. [Marcel doesn't react so Ross starts singing] In the jungle, the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. [no reaction from Marcel, Monica and Joey urge him on] In the jungle, the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. [Marcel looks over and everyone joins in] a-weema-way, a-weema-way..... [Marcel runs over and hops up on Ross's shoulder]
JOEY: Closed set. We know but we're friends with the monkey. [guard lets them in]
TRAINER: Hey don't take it personal, he's under a lot of pressure, ya know, starring in a movie and all.
TRAINER: In human terms, I'd say Cybill Shepard.
CHANDLER: [to guys wering yellow isolation suits] So, are you guys in the movie, or are you just really paranoid.
DIRECTOR'S ASSISTANT: The one in the director's chair.
CHANDLER: [to an extra in fatigues] Nice camoflauge man, for a minute there I almost didn't see ya.
MONICA: Jean-Claude Van Damme. I didn't know he was in this movie, he is so hot.
RACHEL: No, was he any good in it?
[a voice in the background calls for makeup]
CHANDLER: Hey, stick a fork in me, I am done.
CHANDLER: I've met the perfect woman. OK, we're sitting on her couch, we're fooling around, and then suddenly she turns to me and says, 'Do you ever want to do it in an elevator?'
SUSIE: Oh, shoot, we gotta go, got a reservation in 30 minutes.
CHANDLER: Well, ye, yes, actually, but, uh, they were my Aunt Edna's, and there were three of us in there.
RACHEL: Alright, I feel that this is totally unjustified. [Monica starts making faces behind her back] She gave me the green light, I did nothing but-. Do you think I can't see you in the TV set?
PHOEBE: There we go.You know what, if we were in prison, you guys would be, like, my bitches.
CHANDLER: I'm hangin in. . . and a little out.
SUSIE: How come all I can think about is putting that ice in my mouth and licking you all over?
CHANDLER: Right now, right here. Don't ya think we're in kind of a public plaaaa [Susie grabs him under the table] They do have the shrimp.
SUSIE: Meet me in the bathroom. [she leaves for the bathroom]
[In the bathroom Susie and Chandler are kissing. She backs into a stall.]
CHANDLER: That was in the fourth grade. How could you still be upset about that?
SUSIE: Well um, why don't you call me in 20 years and tell me if you're still upset about this. [she leaves with his clothes]
[Monica pulls a thread on Rachel's sweater and Rachel dumps the tomato sauce in Monica's purse]
PHOEBE: Oh alright, stop, STOP THE MADNESS. This is crazy. Who can even remember why this even started in the first place?
[Scene: Back at the restroom at Marcel's. Chandler is still in the stall, Joey comes in to go to the bathroom.]
JOEY: Are you naked in there?
JOEY: Alright, alright. [climbs up in the next stall and looks over at Chandler] Woah, someone's flossing.
[Ross enters, sees Joey in the mirror]
ROSS: What? Let me see. [climbs up in the other adjoining stall]
JOEY: Oh, I'm gettin' heat from the guy in the hot pink thong.
[Back at the table. Joey and Ross return. Shortly, Chandler comes out, holding the stall door in front of him, and leaves.]
JOEY: Hey, hey, and I'm in the movie.
JOEY: One of the virus victims called in sick, so Cathy recommended me and boom, I'm dying on the gurney. Oh Ross, Marcel just finished his last scene if you want to go down there and say goodbye.
["Looks Like We Made It" starts playing and we enter a whole sequence of Marcel and Ross having fun in the city.]
[Marcel is driven off in a limo]
Ross: Well, I mean its not all bad. Im learning to appreciate the uh, smaller things in life. Like the sound of a bird and the color of the sky.
Joey: No-no-no! We gotta go! Come on! (Joey picks him up in a firemans carry and carries him out.) Here we go.
Mike: You know, you should really look in a mirror before you call yourself that.
CHAN: Hey, we're having some fun now, huh, Ross? Wanna do another one, huh Russ? OK... eleven letters, atomic element number 101... ends in ium.
Ross: Oh, professor Clerk we're kind of in the middle of a conversation, here.
Chandler: Well look, it's not easy to spend this much time apart, you know. She's entitled to be a little paranoid... or, in this case: right on money! ... You know, she's amazing, and beautiful, and smart, and if she were here right now, ...she'd kick your ass. Look, you're a really nice person... ham stealing and adultery aside. But, what I have with my wife is pretty great, so nothing is ever gonna happen between us.
Monica: I can't just walk away! I've put in four hours!
Chandler: (Still in a loving voice) You're welcome, sweetheart.
Ross: I think I know too but I've been really wrong about this stuff in the past, so...
Monica: Wait a minute, I think Phoebe's right. You know I hear someone else in there with him.
[Time Lapse: Rachel is returning from chasing down the boy in the cape.]
Monica: (as Rachel) Remember back in freshman year? (Talking fast before Rachel can catch her) Well, Billy Dreskin and I had sex on your bed.
Chandler: We share a wall! So either hes great in bed, or she just likes to agree with him a lot.
Charlie: Yeah, can you guys just throw him in the pool later?
[Scene: Ross and Rachel's. Emma is in her bed and Ross and Rachel are rapping and dancing for her.]
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, continued from earlier, everyone is now in the living room drinking champagne.]
Rachel: I mean, you know... Ross and I haven't dated in like... six years...
Ross: You've never said that in your life, have you?
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Phoebe and Rachel are in the kitchen as there is a knock on the door. Rachel answers it.]
[Scene: Ben's audition, Carol, Ross, and Ben along with about 10 more families are in a waiting room as Joey enters happily.]
Phoebe: Well, you said that you had customers lined up in the street, so I am here to entertain!
[Scene: In the store. Rachel and Phoebe returning from the changing rooms]
Ross: You never cooked since 1996. (Actually Rachel cooked in �609 - TOW Ross Got High�, first aired 1999-11-25.)
Conan: Its a tradition here on Friends after every taping for me to hang out with you guys, (They all laugh) talk down the episode umm The point of this whole thing is what people see in America is: they see Friends, they love the show, it looks like a smooth running machine, but behind the scenes theres deceit, mistrust, and hate. And I thought, I thought wed actually take a look at uh, yknow some of these moments where you guys arethere are mistakes. You make mistakes.
Joey: Hey! Uh, this is just to give you an idea. Okay well, we can put screens here, (In front of the crib.) so that the baby has privacy, and-and-and maybe a mobile over the crib. And uhOh look! Heres a baby monitor (Holds it up), which until the baby comes we can use as walkie-talkies. Huh?
[Scene: Chandler and Monica's. Only Chandler is in the living room and walks to the bathroom.]
(she slaps him in the face, Mike looks like he doesn't believe what just happened. Precious leaves, and he turns to Phoebe.)
Chandler: Honey, you've been in there for a long time... Is everything okay?
Chandler: Hit yourself in the tooth?
Monica: Sure, what do you have in mind?
Phoebe: Ok, well that's bad. But don't you think it might be different with someone else? Perhaps a blonde who always uses a toilet. Except for once in the ocean.
Joey: Okay, Ross, I realise that you didn't expect to walk in and see that, but.. Let me explain, okay?
Rachel: No, come on, that is a lie. We also kissed in Barbados.
Chandler: There's a hair in my coffee.
(Chandler looks like he did the time he swallowed the toy in 605 TOW Joey's Porsche. It's the hair in his coffee.)
Frank Jr.: I haven't slept in four years!
Mr. Geller: Ive been thinking about getting rid of it. I was driving it the other day and saw my reflection in a store window. Your mothers right, I do look like an ass.
(She gives Monica a big binder that's perfectly in order.)
(Rachel lets her anger show too. Hideously embarrassed, the doctors drain their glasses in the vicious pause which follows. The telephone rings, but the girls just glower at each other, silently daring the other to move first. Finally both guys jump up, and Michael wins.)
(The oven timer pings in the kitchen.)
Ross: Well I didnt! I didnt propose! (Pause) Unless uh (Pause) Did I? I havent slept in forty hours and it does sound like something I would do.
Monica: Why? What did you do in the bathroom?
[Scene: The hallway in Ross's building. Joey and Rachel are on their way to Ross's dinner.]
Ross: Oh, (door is locked) holy molly are we in a pickle now.
(Owen comes running in.)
Monica: (Holding a shirt in front of Ross.) Okay, maybe this will make your teeth look less white. (Ross has a big smile.) Nope. Okay, colors that dont work are blue, yellow, green, red, black, white, orange, and purple.
Gary: Yeah, we took a little stroll in the park and no one was around, so
Charlie: You're on fire! I'll call you in the morning, okay?
Joey: Yeah. I'll see you in the morning.
Monica: Alright, let me ask you this question: How many of you thought the music was fine, but not in keeping with the tone of the restaurant? (a few raise their hands again).
Rachel: No! None! I mean, my first night in the city, he mentioned something about asking me out, but nothing ever happened, so I just... (to Joey): W-well, what else did he say? I mean, does he, like, want to go out with me?
Ross: But all kidding aside, in much the same way that Homo ergaster [1] is now thought to be a separate species from Homo erectus...
Assistant: You might wanna get back in there.
(Gunther is eavesdropping in the background.)
Chandler: Because thats where Joey gave me some stuff to store that Ive never seen before in my life! Okay, that did not just happen! (He does a weird clicky motion with his fingers, that kinda hard to describe.)
[Cut to a hallway in the building, Monica and Phoebe are knocking on a door. Mr. Heckles emerges.]
Rachel/Ross: Ooh, your lips are so soft... Do that again... (and she/he moves in for another kiss. Joey, pushes her head away again...)
Chandler: Oh, come on! Its not like this is an everyday occurrence for me! I mean usually Im pretty much just in there by myself.
(Joey walks in)
Monica: Ehm, we were friends in 1992.
Rachel: Or...I could call in sick and not deal with it at all...
[Scene: Joey in his hotel in room in Barbados]
Monica: Oh, that's Nana, right there in the middle. (Reads the back) 'Me and the gang at Java Joe's'.
(Phoebe and Amanda walk in)
Phoebe: Please, Monica? In the hall?
(Rachel and Elizabeth go upstairs. Paul starts for the car, but notices his luggage is still out and decides to take in into the bedroom.)
Joey: Okay. Rachel and Phoebe are already there, okay? So they probably started without us. We could just slip in and no-one needs to know where we were! (he raises his hands and on his right one there's a Rangers foam finger)
[Flashback to 503 - TOW The Triplets] [Scene: A hallway in the hospital, Monica and Chandler are talking.]
David: Yeah, Rachel, Chandler, and Ross had to try to get a couch up a staira very narrow New York stairwell and that was probably I-I think it was the hardest Ive-Ive laughed in my life period.
Chandler: (to Ross) You be cool. (He opens the door and lets her in as they all turn there backs on her.)
Chandler: Dude, it's Chandler. Let me in.
Ross: Look, no-no, hey, hey, don't worry about it! In nine years, she and I will be right there. (Goes and sits on the couch dejectedly.)
Chandler: So? Would you care to join me in our first dance as husband and wife?
The Museum Official: (on phone) Hi, this is Heldi from the Morgan Chase museum. Im calling for Monica Geller. I want to let her know that there was a cancellation and if shes still interested in having the Bing-Geller wedding at our facility, it is available (Chandler runs to answer the phone.)
Ross: so then President Steve told everyone that I was a cheapskate, and now the whole building hates me! A little kid spit on my knee! Y'know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna throw a party. That's right. For everyone in the building, and I'm gonna sit them down and explain to them, I am not a bad guy. I am not a cheap guy! I'm just a guy who-who stands up for what he believes in. A man with principles.
Ross: My doctoral dissertation is in the library at school, I went to see it, and there were students makin babies right in the middle of the Paleontology section!
Phoebe: Okay, well if I was in this for the money, Id be a millionaire by now, y'know. You just got to get out of that jingle head sweetie.
Chandler: Pheebs, if she could come back as a couch, wed really appreciate it. (Joey nods in agreement)
Monica: I'm parked in a garage on Morton!
(Ross, Chandler and Monica are in the kitchen area)
Monica: We're Aunt Monica and uncle Chandler, by the way. You may not recognize us, because we haven't spoken to your parents in seventeen years!
Ross: Joey! You're in charge, ok? You make sure nobody leaves! (leaves)
Rachel: Ross, um, don’t forget to get a shot of Emma’s cake. It’s in a box in the fridge.
Ross: What?! It is?! (He tries to quickly remove his gloves, but runs into trouble and finally throws them off of his hands like a hockey player in a fight and grabs Rachels belly.)
Rachel: So, Im in my apartment doing the Soap Opera Digest crossword puzzle, and guess who the clue is for three down. (She hands the magazine to Joey.)
Rachel: Yep. Oh, yeah, look you great. (She puts her arm in his and checks how they would look as a couple.) Oh yeah. Yeah, this looks great. (Pause) Umm, so you like it?
Monica: Yeah, and we've paid for a room, that we're supposed to be in right now!
Rachel: Oh, I have to pee. If I dont come out in five minutes its because Ive choked to death on the potpourri stink. (Goes into the bathroom.)
Rachel: (worried) Be-cause Ross is the father of my child! You know... and I... want him to hook up with lots of women! (pause) I just... All I'm saying is... I don't think that Joey and Charlie have anything in common.
Ross: Joey, we just saw you come in. You ran past us on the stairs.
I made a man with eyes of coal And a smile so bewitchin', How was I supposed to know That my mom was dead in the kitchen? (shakes bell) La lalala la la la la lalala la la...
Chandler: Hey it's the most eligible man in NY. How's the moving on going?
Chandler: That's fast math! We could use you in Tulsa.
Monica: You guys do that? Chandler won't even have sex in our bathroom!
Phoebe: Left! (Rachel hands her the napkin in her left hand and they both unfold and read them.) Thank you.
Joey: (Grunting) Hmm. (Monica opens the front door and comes in.)
Rachel: (Emma starts crying in the other room) Oh sorry, hold on. Let me just check on the baby!
Ross: She... she only dates geniuses and Nobel Prize winners. Oh my God, at the chinese restaurant earlier today, I put chopsticks in my mouth and pretented to be a woolly mammoth.
Chandler: I dont know if Ive told you this, but hes kinda tried to get in contact with me a lot over the last few years
Pete: I want to become the Ultimate Fighting Champion! Its the most intense physical competition in the world, its banned in 49 states!