words in movies
Chandler: This is unbelievable. Its been like a half an hour. If this was a cartoon, youd be looking like a ham right about now.
(Ursula Buffay, Phoebes identical twin sister, is waiting on tables in her inimitable manner.)
(Ursula spins around looking puzzled, quite unable to tell where the sound is coming from.)
Ross: I dont know whether hes testing me, or just acting out, but my monkey is out of control. But, he keeps erasing the messages on my machine, "supposedly" by accident.
Phoebe: Hmmm? Yeah. So, um, is she fat?
Phoebe: Its mostly just dumb sister stuff, you know, I mean, like, everyone always thought of her as the pretty one, you know... Oh, oh, she was the first one to start walking, even though I did it... later that same day. But, to my parents, by then it was like "yeah, right, well what else is new?"
Rachel: So, is this just gonna be you and Carol?
Ross: Hi, um, Im err, (has to clear his throat) Im Ross Geller, and err ah... (pats Carols bulge) ..thats, thats my boy in there, and uh, (points) this is Carol Willick, and this... is Susan Bunch. Susan is um Carols, just, com... (embarrassment finally overwhelms the poor fellow, who becomes incoherent until) ..whos next?
Teacher: Im sorry, I didnt get... Susan is?
Ross: Susan is Carols, Carols, Carols, friend...
[Scene : Chandler's Office, Chandler is working.]
(Helens buzzer is heard on the intercom, so Chandler presses his button, too.)
Helen: (Over the intercom) Nina Bookbinder is here to see you.
Nina: Which is bad, because?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross, Chandler, and the girls are dividing some Chinese takeout, while the sitcom Family Matters is playing on the TV.]
(Marcel points the remote at Monicas television, pressing a particular combination of keys. The logo SAP appears on the screen, and suddenly the dialogue is dubbed into Spanish.)
Rachel: (Looking at the television) Cool... "Urkel" in Spanish is "Urkel."
Chandler: (Looking out at the balcony) So tell me something, is leaving the Christmas lights up part of your plan to keep us merry all year long?
Joey: She is so hot!
Chandler: Yeah, listen. Okay, before you do anything Joey-like, you might wanna run it by err... (he indicates Phoebe, who is helping Ross understand the remote control.)
[Scene: Lamaze class. Susan is there. Each couple has a doll, for they have just finished learning how to change a diaper. As Ross rushes in, stepping on the Rostins pretend baby, squashing its head flat. It bleats, in protest. He performs emergency surgery, then hands the doll back to J.C.]
Teacher: Good. Now imagine your vagina is opening like a flower.
[Scene: Chandler's Office. Chandler is playing with a toy as his boss Mr. Douglas knocks and opens the door.]
[Scene: Chandler's Office, later that day, Nina is in his office.]
Chandler: Nina? Nina. (He goes around his desk to where she is sitting.) Nina. (In pain) Nina.
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is at the counter, serving coffee to Phoebe.]
Phoebe: Well, what I really want is for my mom to be alive and enjoy it with me.
Jamie: What is this place?
Jamie: All we want is two Caffe Lattes.
[Scene: Monica and Rachels, Phoebe is watching a Spanish version of The Waltons. At a nearby table sit Monica knitting, Rachel winding a ball of wool, and Chandler supplying them both from a skein which is spread between his hands.]
(There is a loud knocking at the door through which Joey has just entered.)
Phoebe: Ooh, my first birthday present... (delightedly examining the cardigan in her lap) ..oh, this is really...
Chandler: Wow, this is serious. Ive never known you to pay money for any kind of capade.
Chandler: Yes, yes she is. Didnt I memo you on this? See, after I let her go, err, I got a call from her psychiatrist, Dr. Flanen-nen, Dr. Flanen, Dr. Flan.
Chandler: Oh, no, no. Nina... (miming fairies twinkling around his head) ..she is whooo wewee-woo whoo whoo! In fact, if you asked her right now, she would have no recollection of being fired at all, none at all.
[Scene: Lamaze class, Ross is again on the floor, cradled in Susans lap, but now Carol is cradled in his lap, and she has a pretend baby, on her lap. The teacher is showing her class a video, which is about to end.]
Soothing male voice: ..a sound Mom and Dad never forget. For this after all, is the miracle of birth.
Teacher: Lights please? And thats having a baby. Next week is our final class.
(Susan just glares back, as Rosss inappropriate joke falls flat. Meanwhile, a bubble is about to burst...)
Carol: This is impossible. Its just impossible.
Susan: What is, honey?
Carol: (screaming at Ross) Oh, what do you know? No one's going up to you and saying, "Hi, is that your nostril? Mind if we push this pot roast through it?"
Susan: I know its frightening, but, big picture. The birth part is just one day, and when its over, were all gonna be parents for the rest of our lives.
(Ross is staring blankly into space.)
Susan: I mean, thats what this is all about, right? Ross? Ross?
[Scene 13: Central Perk, the gang is gathered around Monica comforting her brother, who in a slight state of shock is cuddling a cushion for security.]
Rachel: This is just occurring to you?
[Scene: Chandler's Office, Chandler is working as Nina knocks, then opens the door.]
Rachel: Okay, Pheebs, can I ask? So, hes going out with her. I mean, is it really so terrible?
Phoebe: I mean, I know Joey is not my boyfriend, or my thermos, or anything, but...
(Phoebe gets up and walks across the hallway, but the door to Chandler and Joeys apartment is shut. She knocks, and anxiously waits for Joey to come, but instead her identical twin sister emerges wearing one of Joeys shirts.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's Balcony, Rachel is taking down the Christmas lights. Monica sees her, so she leans out of the small side window.]
(In the apartment below, Mr.Heckles is trying to relax and read his newspaper, but Rachel is helplessly dangling upside-down with her ankle wrapped up in the Christmas lights.)
Mr.Heckles: See, this is just the kind of thing I was talking about.
Monica: Really! (They hug and kiss) All right? Let's forget about this going home stuff and celebrate our anniversary. (She picks up his suitcase.) Okay, this is empty.
Joey: Is he still mad at us?
[This starts another series of flashbacks about Joeys hobbies. The first one is from Episode 703: The One With Phoebes Cookies, Rachel is teaching Joey how to sail his boat, the Mr. Bowmont.]
Phoebe: Oh my God! I had the best time with Tim last night. He is so sweet! Oh, I cant wait to get sous-neath him.
Joey: Me too! Hey Rach, can I just say I think this is the best date I ever had!
Ross: Blueberry it is.
Monica: Wow, hes really not letting this go, is he?
Monica: Yeah-yeah, yknow what? Yeah, thats it-thats it, everything will be mine! Nothing will be yours! Thats-thats what I said! Oh come on, Chandler! Im talking about the barca lounger! It just, it doesnt match! Where is it gonna go?!
Rachel: Monica is Ross' sister.
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is getting Rachels muffin.]
Chandler: Come on! Gary's such a great guy! Whatever the problem is, you can work it out!
Ross: What is the matter with you?!?
Ross: What?! It is?! (He tries to quickly remove his gloves, but runs into trouble and finally throws them off of his hands like a hockey player in a fight and grabs Rachels belly.)
[Scene: Ross and Rachels, Emma is still crying.]
Rachel: What? Its true, my right leg is two inches shorter.
Chandler: Okay, you know how that people say that Tulsa is the Paris of Oklahoma?
Doctor: And here it is! (The baby cries.)
Chandler: The Sooner State, whatever that is.
Chandler: (hears Emma crying) What is wrong with Emma?
Joey: Hey, so how is it?
Rachel: Ok-dokey, Joey, listen. This is gonna be bridesmaid central, all right? We're gonna have hair and make-up going on in the bathroom and oh, I had to move a couple of things in the fridge to make room for the corsages.
Chandler: You must stop! (Chandler hits what he is working on with a hammer and it collapses.)
[Scene: The Hospital, Joey is sitting in the lobby as Ross enters.]
The Singing Man: Oh come on! Mornings here! (Starts singing) Mornings here! The morning is here! Sunshine is here!
Rachel: Well, there is one thing that we havent tried, but someone thinks that, (mimicking Ross) "That will open up a can of worms."
Ross: Ah I had a little thing with Joey, if you think this is bad you should see him.
Chandler: Not to shabby, I got this all off myself using my wifes tools. (He takes the door off the frame and we finally get to see whats behind the green door! It is stacked, floor to ceiling, with junk.) Oh my God!
Casting Director #1: Hold it. Im sorry, the surprise is a new swing set, if you could play it a little less intense?
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is eating at the counter as Joey enters.]
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, continued from before the commercial break. Monica is walking into the apartment followed by Ross and Rachel.]
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Joey are reading a magazine and Ross is chatting with Mona.]
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is showing everyone a poster as Ross enters.]
Rachel: Yes, of course there is! Okay? I'm not insane!
Ross: Please take your time, its an important decision. Not like, say, I know! deciding to marry someone, this is about a muffin.
ROSS: Newly appointed head lunch chef who is also in charge of purchasing--
(They both rejoice; Chandler is totally confused.)
Ross: Actually Im a palian Dinosaurs is fine the drawing is not.
Joey: Which is why I waited until now to introduce you to Mike.
[Scene: Ross's apartment, Marcel is hanging from Celia's hair, and she is screaming, trying to get him off.]
[Cut to later in that episode. Chandler is in his bathroom with Monica, and hes panicking on how far Phoebe is pushing him.]
Ross: Yeah well, he's not gonna get this one. Ben is way cuter than that kid. I mean look at him, look at you, (Starts to whine like a baby and Joey just glares at him.)
Receptionist: Dr. Gettleman is finishing up with a patient, he should be out shortly.
Mary Ellen Wait, is your mom okay?
(The chain breaks loose from the wall, and because Joey was pushing with all his might, he propells into the kitchen, towards the table with all the food. This table has wheels underneath it, and when Joey falls on this table, he rides into the living room, with all the food falling off, until finally Joey also falls off... Joey gets up quickly, a bit agitated, and acting as nothing happened. He is covered in food stains.)
[Scene: Ross is in Central Perk. Phoebe comes in.]
Rachel: Thanks. (Crying) God this is so stupid! (Pause) How could I be upset over something I never had? Its negative?
Joey: Alright, alright, hey yknow fair is fair, (he pretends to wash his hands) if youre right, youre right, what can I say, but hey oh no! (He throws water on the guys pants)
[Scene: Ross is at Phoebe's.]
Ross: now I feel terrible this is all my fault.
Mike: what's up is Phoebe ok?
Mike: hey wait wait wait wait wait! Is that true what you said Phoebe's never had a serious relationship?
Ross looks down: No, that that is not what we're saying.
Monica:: is everything all right?
Joey: Damnit! Is there no mystery left in romance anymore!?
Joey: and who's fault is that.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Rachels baby shower is underway. Monica and Phoebe are working in the kitchen.]
Rachel: You guys, Im doing the best I can, anyone else is welcome to try.
[The next flashback is from The One With Ross's New Girlfriend. Chandler is telling Ross and Joey that Joey's tailor took advantage of him.]
Man: Dr. Wells is a woman.
(Monica opens the door and Mike is standing at the doorway)
[Scene: Phoebe is sitting with Mike, explaining about Vicrum.]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is getting Monica ready for her date. The guys are also there. The door buzzes.]
Bob: I just found out this is Chandlers office! Come on Toby, give me a hand!
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is standing in the kitchen ready to leave for the rehearsal dinner.]
PHOEBE: [pauses the tape] Ok, Ben, this is the part where Ernie buries Bert in the sand and can't find him. Now, I've looked ahead on the tape and he does find him again. But, ok, before that happens, there's some pretty rough goin' for a while but I think we can handle it. And, there's just the alphabet but we know that ends well so. Ok, here we go. [starts the tape again]
Ross: Oh well thats great, so I guess this is ah, this is good bye then. Huh? (picks a pad up off Rachels desk and tosses it into his box) Good bye.
Ross: So, so, is Mike coming to dinner?
Phoebe: Okay, okay. Its James Brolin. James Brolin is the father of my baby.
[Scene: Joey is back at Hayleys apartment.]
Joey: Whoa, whoa, whoa, Monica, what're you doin'? This is a poker game. You can't serve food with more than one syllable. It's gotta be like chips, or dip, or pretz...(look of realization)
Ken: That�s right. Is it true, that the reason you are here in Tulsa is that you fell asleep in a meeting and took the job without realizing what you were saying yes to?
Phoebe: Ooh, and treat it is. (Monica�s breasts.)
Rachel: Well, let�s see. The first one is: I don�t want to. And, you know, I�m not going.
Rachel: She is?
Ross: Anyway, suddenly I'm down field, and I realise that I'm the one who's supposed to catch him, right? Only I know there is no way I'm gonna get there in time, so I am running, and running, and that, that is when I woke up. See I, I am so not ready to be a father.
Ross: Yeah and we'd want to make sure Emma has someone like Monica who is more uh. uh discliplinarin.. someone who can be firm and strict.
(The waitress lets her in as Monica is about to throw a lobster into a pot of boiling water (Although, she hasnt taken off the rubber bands that hold the claws, so she cant be that good of a chef). Anyway, guess who the Colonel is by the following phrase.)
Phoebe: Where is everyone? They�re forty minutes late.
Chandler: No, see the thing is I want to get out of here before Joey gets all worked up and starts calling everybody bitch.
Ross: Okay, well the ??? is not home.
CHANDLER: Ya know I think this is much better than the coffee house.
Monica: Thats not how you see me, is it?
Allesandro: (entering) I want a retraction! Our food is not inedible swill!
{Transcribers note: This is where the opening credits are, but theyre not the usual opening credits. Oh no! These credits are based on the world that would have been created had all of the above actually happened. It starts out with all of them at the fountain sitting on the couch as Fat Monica runs up and sits on the arm of the couch, tilting the whole thing towards her. It then goes on to show Rachels still a shop-aholic and with Barry. Fat Monica is sweating while cooking and dancing while eating a donut. Phoebe as the Wall Street shark smoking while on two cell phones. Then theyre dancing in the fountain. Joey entering as Dr. Drake Remoray and meeting a groupie. Chandler trying to write as a bird does its business on his shoulder and falling asleep while typing. Ross doing some kara-tay and trying to get Carol into bed. And finally, some more dancing in the fountain, them all flexing, and the turning out the lamp and shutting off all the lights bit from the first season. Just remember one thing, this is an alternate universe. Everything from every other episode doesnt apply, for instance, Ross and Rachel have no history. And in fact have not seen each other in years in this world.}
Rachel: (surprised by how ugly it is) Wow! (sarcastic) Oh, she's so nice and big! Oh, Monica, where are you going to display Gladys oh so proudly? (looks around for a spot)
Phoebe: Both it is, thank you.
Ross: HEY, SHE'S FAST!! OKAY?!! (Chandler is so shocked at Ross's outburst that he drops his spoon and backs up) Oh! You-you think you can be beat me? Let's go! Outside!!
Chandler: This is okay. Were all adults here; theres nothing to be ashamed of. Now, lets put our underwear in our pockets and walk out the door. (They do so and find Mr. Geller leaning against a wall stunned.)
Rachel: Ross do you realise this is the first time in my life Im doing something I actually care about. This is the first time in my life Im doing something that Im actually good at. I mean. if you dont get that...
Ross: Y�know this ??? is incredible.
Phoebe: Alright, okay, so we can all go now. That is fun. Hey, you know what? We all haven�t been together the six of us in such a long time.
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Monica, and Rachel are sitting on the couch and Ross is sitting on the chair, and theyre all talking.]
Phoebe: well, this is, this is, this is not over! (on phone) Hello?
Joey: (to Chandler and Monica) Well, what is going on with you two?
Phoebe: Or, we can decide by whose ever name is closer to the word phone.
Joey: See ya. Well, this is just us.
Joey: Well, we got plenty of space! There-there's still some over there (Points to where the window is but sees that there isn't any space there and points towards his door.) by-by that speaker. Please, just stay!
Mike: This is nice.
Mike: Is it?
Phoebe: (in a flash she answers) Maybe not, is it?