words in movies
Joey: (To Ross) What is the matter with you?!
Joey: Oh sorry, I hear divorce I immediately go to Ross. (To Rachel) Who-whos Barry and Mindy?
Joey: Ohh-oh, wasnt he cheating on you with her?
Joey: (starts to imagine it) I cant. I keep seeing it the good way.
Joey: Hey, imagine if I never got fired off Days Of Our Lives! (Closes his eyes to do so.) Oh-hey, theres Carol again!
{Transcribers note: This is where the opening credits are, but theyre not the usual opening credits. Oh no! These credits are based on the world that would have been created had all of the above actually happened. It starts out with all of them at the fountain sitting on the couch as Fat Monica runs up and sits on the arm of the couch, tilting the whole thing towards her. It then goes on to show Rachels still a shop-aholic and with Barry. Fat Monica is sweating while cooking and dancing while eating a donut. Phoebe as the Wall Street shark smoking while on two cell phones. Then theyre dancing in the fountain. Joey entering as Dr. Drake Remoray and meeting a groupie. Chandler trying to write as a bird does its business on his shoulder and falling asleep while typing. Ross doing some kara-tay and trying to get Carol into bed. And finally, some more dancing in the fountain, them all flexing, and the turning out the lamp and shutting off all the lights bit from the first season. Just remember one thing, this is an alternate universe. Everything from every other episode doesnt apply, for instance, Ross and Rachel have no history. And in fact have not seen each other in years in this world.}
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Fat Monica, and her boyfriend are sitting on the couch. Monicas boyfriend is getting up to get something. For future reference, for the rest of this episode Monicas fat, I wont be calling her Fat Monica throughout.]
Joey: So Monica, still going out with Dr. Boring huh?
Joey: (not impressed) Wow!!
Joey: Oh dear God, let me think. (Starts to sarcastically think about it.)
Joey: Hey.
Joey: Hey man, look sorry about that Archie thing. Do uh, do you need me to give you some money?
Joey: Really?
Monica: Maybe Joey doesnt have to give you the money, TV stars have assistants right?
Joey: Thats an idea! (To Chandler) Hey, if I hired an assistant, would-would you take money from her?
Monica: No Joey! Chandler could be your assistant! See, he could answer all of your fan mail and stuff!
Joey: Thats great! That would be great! Lets do that!
Joey: Oh right great! Welcome aboard!
Joey: All right! Now hey, I need to use the bathroom. Since I dont need any assistance in there, take a break!
(As Joey goes to the bathroom, Corporate Phoebe enters. Shes wearing a business suit and carrying a briefcase.)
Monica: Joey just hired Chandler to be his assistant!
Ross: Sometimes, you should come over (Joey returns from the bathroom) sometime! Ill play you one of my other
Rachel: (interrupting him and seeing Joey) Oh my God! Joey Tribbiani from Days of Our Lives, just walked in here!
Monica: (getting up) Joey!
Joey: (holding a plate of what looks like Rice Crispies Treats) I know, here-here!! (Hands her the plate.)
Joey: (shaking Rachels hand) Hi!
Joey: Well, its always nice to meet the fans.
Joey: (turning and whispering to Monica) Shes not crazy is she?
Joey: (To Rachel) So uh, how you doin?
Joey: (entering) Hey there you are!
Joey: All right, heres a list of things for you to do today. Man, this going to be so great! Thank you so much! All right, I got to go to work Im delivering twins today, but only one of them is mine! (Exits.)
Monica: Sorry. So hows it going with Joey?
Joey: (entering) Hey! Is uh, is she gonna be all right?
Joey: Oh great. (Starts to go in.) (To Chandler) Hey! Go take off those pants, they look ready!
[Scene: Silvercup Studios, Joey is showing Rachel around the set.]
Joey: All right, and over there is Bradys Pub where I like to unwind after a long day of surgeoning.
Joey: Well, that is a large piece of television equipment. (Points at a large piece of television equipment as an old man walks by.) And uh that is an old man! Hey old man!
Joey: All righty, what do you say we head back to my place?
Joey: Why? (In Drakes voice.) Why cant the world stop turning, just for a moment? Just for us?
Joey: Uh, yeah but uh, (In Drakes voice) I may have said those things before but, I never truly meant them. Until now.
Joey: Okay, you watch too much TV.
Joey: Thanks! (Looks at it.) Yeah, theres pulp in that. (Hands it back.)
Joey: I thought we talked about this. I dont like pulp. No pulp. Pulp isnt juice. All juice, okay?
Joey: Oh my God, Im sorry, Im being so rude. (Turns to Rachel.) Rachel, would like a soda or something? Because Chandler would run right out and get it.
Joey: (To Chandler) Iced tea.
Joey: (To Rachel) Did I not just tell him?
Joey: (To Chandler) Okay look, Chandler, if this (Motions back and forth indicating the arrangement.) you have got to listen! (Tugs on his ear.) (Chandler glares at him.) Youre gonna throw that juice at me, arent ya?
Joey: (entering) Hey! Hey Chandler look, I know youre mad, but I just want to say Im sorry. I-I was a total jerk. Completely o-over the line. Uh, I just I hate pulp! Yknow? I mean, yknow how Monica feels about low fat mayonnaise?
Joey: Yeah, o-o-o-o-okay anyway, I just wanted to say Im sorry. Here. (Hands him a cup.)
Joey: Fresh squeezed orange juice, with pulp! Just the way you like it.
Monica: Hey Joey, Chandler sold a story to Archie Comics!
Joey: Oh my God! Thats great! Congratulations! Whats the story?!
Joey: Are you kidding me?! I love Archie! And the whole gang!
Chandler: Well uh, Archie needs money to fix his jalopy (Joey laughs), uh but he doesnt want Reggie to just give him the money. So Reggie hires him as his assistas his butler. And then makes him do all these crazy things like bring him milkshakes that cant have lumps in them.
Joey: Wait a minute. That sounds a little familiar! Did they already do that one? Cause I think I read it!
Rachel: Oh Mon, listen I have to ask! Okay, Joey Tribbiani invited me back to his apartment, now does he do this with a lot of girls?
Rachel: Ohh! And Im one of them!! Wow! Oh, I just cannot believe this! I mean, Joey Tribbiani!
Rachel: Okay! (She picks up the phone, Joeys phone number, and starts to dial.) Here we go! Okay! (On phone.) Hi, Joey! Its Rachel! Umm, I am free tomorrow night. Yeah, sure, sure I can bring some sandwiches.
Joey: I know. (Joey is sitting in this tall chair that is made up of balls on polls. Youll have to see it to know what I mean.) Yeah, his name is Pat.
Joey: (climbing down from his chair) Do you uh, do youready for a refill?
Rachel: Oh, I probably shouldntso I will! (Joey starts making her refill and Rachel notices that rain thing Joey has.) Oh! Wow! Its like its raining!
Joey: Pretty cool, huh? But if youre thinking you can put a fish in there and it wouldnt get sucked up into the mechanism, well youd be wrong.
Joey: Its uh, right through there. (Points.)
Rachel: Okay. (Starts to go.) God yknow, if someone told me a week ago that I would be peeing in Joey Tribbianis apartment
Joey: Yeah, lifes pretty great isnt it?
[Scene: Joey's apartment, Rachel is now three sheets to the wind and Joey is watching her.]
Rachel: Joey, youre such an amazing actor! (He smiles.) How do you know where Dr. Drake Remoray leaves off and Joey Tribbiani begins?
Joey: Well, with Dr. Drake they always tell me what to say. And with Joey, I pretty much have to make it up on my own.
Rachel: Wow! Tell me something Joey(She falls off the couch)Whoa! I just fell right off the couch there.
Joey: Yeah you did.
Joey: Here you go. Let me ask you a question.
Joey: When was the last time someone told you just how beautiful you are?
Joey: Come, come here.
(He takes her hands in his and kisses each one, then kisses her on the lips. When the break the kiss, Rachel starts to get nauseous and throw up. Joey backs away in horror.)
Joey: (entering) Morning!
Joey: Yeah.
Rachel: (groans) Oh God. Oh I cant believe Joey Tribbiani heard me throw up!
Joey: Well he actually saw you a little bit too.
Joey: No! No! No, not after seeing that.
Joey: Wh-why?
Joey: Thats ridiculous! Im not a "Star," just a regular famous actor.
Joey: Rachel, would you stop saying that?! Hey-hey look, remember on the show when-when Caprice was dying and she gave me
Joey: Wow! Uh okay, well uh (He gets up, opens a drawer, and pulls out the ring.)
Joey: Sure! As long as they dont find out you can keep whatever you want! And I want you to have it.
Joey: Yes! Yes!! And every time you look at it, I want you to remember that you are a good person. Okay, youve had the chance to cheat, and with me, but you didnt. And thats what this ring stands for.
Joey: Look, do you want the ring or not?!
[Scene: Phoebes hospital room, Joey and Ross enter as Phoebe comes out of the bathroom wearing her robe.]
Joey: Hey!
Joey: All right!
Joey: Whoa-whoa-whoa! Youre not gonna use the pay phone to call work, are ya?
[Cut back to her room, Joey and Ross are sitting there waiting for her.]
Joey: (not quite sure of how to answer that) Well uh, look Ross I uh, I think Carols great and Im sure youre a very attractive man, but I .
Joey: You?
Joey: Wow!
Joey: All right! So, was it amazing?
Joey: Just okayDid you do it right?!
Joey: Huh. But still Ross, youre worst day with two women, pretty much better than any other day! Yknow what I mean?
Joey: But you got to be with both of them, right?
Joey: Not the other one?
Joey: Yeah, you dont want that.
Joey: Well hey, at least you got to see a lot of stuff, right?
Joey: You got a little bored?
Joey: Yeah? What did ya have?
Joey: Sounds good.
Rachel: Is Joey Tribbiani here?
Ross: Didnt you spend last night at Joeys?
Joey: Okay. All right. Umm, so uh, so how did it happen? Did your eyes meet across the room? And then the next thing yknow youre in the bathtub together and shes feeding you strawberries?
Joey: (sets the coffee down) Y'know, breadstick fangs are always funny.
Joey: Oh no! No-no, keep reading! The good part's coming up. Keep going.
(Now Joey also wants to listen, and wants to press his ears against the door, which has a big mirror on it, he hesitates seeing himself in the mirror, but still puts his ear against it. We move again to Rachel's room.)
Joey: Hey-hey! Stanley! Hey-hey! You're leading man is here! Let's get to work.
[Scene: The corridor. Amy knocks Joey’s door and Rachel opens the door.]
Joey: (entering) He's back! The peeper's back!
JOEY: No no, uh, don't thank me for comin' in. Uh, at least let me finish. Uh, we could take the expressway but uh, this time of day you're better off taking the budge. You were goin' for the word bridge there weren't ya. I'll have a good day. [gets up and leaves]
[Cut to Chandler's room, Joey is relaying to Chandler his amazing discovery.]
Rachel: (sarcastically) Yeah. Look Joey, its enough all right?! You keep making these stupid jokes and this sleazy innuendoes and itsIm notits just not funny anymore!
Joey: (sitting at the kitchen table with his back to the TV) You sick bastards!
Joey: Im sending back all this stuff that Chandler bought out of guilt.
Joey: Oh, uh... don't forget your coupon. (Tries to strike a sexy pose up against the doorway to his room. Then goes inside).
Joey: Both of us? (points to Chandler and himself)
[The next one is from Episode 603: The One With Rosss Denial, Joey is amazing Phoebe and Monica by holding his breath.]
Joey: Oh Monica. (goes over and hugs her, then looks at the form and stops hugging her.) Wow, this guy's an astronaut. That would've been cool, (sees Monica) for like a day. (hugs her again).
Ross: That was the water fountain! Okay?! Anyway, people are writing reports for me, uh pushing back deadlines to meet my schedule, I'm telling you, you get tough with people you can get anything you want. (Joey walks by with a cup of coffee.) Hey Tribbiani, give me that coffee! Now!
Rachel: All right, all right, you're right, I won't do anything with Joey, I just thought that we (Joey enters the hall) Ok so that would be two cups of tarragon, one pound of baking soda and one red onion? (Joey enters his apartment)
Joey: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! You just take a big, big swing. Now, dont hold back. (He dons his protective helmet (Why, I have no clue.) and Phoebe picks up a wooden baseball bat and starts to swing as Chandler and Monica enter.)
Joey: Oh, its a poster for that World War I movie that Im in, check it out.
Joey: Hey! (Singing) Get into gear!
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is filing her nails as Ross and Ben enter.]
[In slow motion, as some haunty demonic music plays in the background, Joey throws the ball in, Chandler quits playing and goes for his Chinese food. Joey smacks the ball really hard, shooting it down the table. Chandler slowly takes a bite, the ball bounces off of the wall, heads back up the table, and scores the goal for Chandler.]
Rachel: Okay Joey, were luffing a little bit, so could you tighten up the cunningham? (The mainsail has started to flap in the wind and has stopped working efficiently; she wants him to tighten it so that it starts working again.)
CHANDLER: OK, well that's the part where I'm a wank. But I was hoping we wouldn't focus on that. [Joey goes to his room and shuts the door] Hey, c'mon man, I said I was sorry like a hundred times, I promise I will never take it off my. . . [notices the bracelet is missing from his wrist] wrist. But if, if you want to stay in there and be mad, you know, you just uh, you stay in there. [he starts searching the room, lifting up the couch cushions]
Joey: Oh, nothing, no. Its an acting exercise, Im practising my fake laugh.
[Scene: Inside Joeys Premiere, he is intently watching the movie.]
Joey: Will you relax?! What are you taking this so seriously for? It doesnt matter.
Joey: Choose, you jackass!
Joey: Man, it must be so cool remembering stuff like that! I don't have any past life memories.
Chandler: It's football... It's just football... This is great! This is the first time I've ever enjoyed football... It may be customary to get a beer... (Chandler walks to the fridge, his back turned to the TV and a moaning sound replaces the cheering of the crowd... Joey's eyes double in size...) What the... (Chandler turns around, but Joey already took a sprint for Chandler, jumps, and floors Chandler in the open space in front of the apartment door...) What are you doing?
(There are scratching and squeaking noises coming from the living room, and Joey wakes up, terrified. He pulls his blanket higher. The doorknob is turning.)
Joey: He broke up with Julie. Well, go hug her, for god's sakes.
JOEY: Hold it hold it. I gotta side with Chandler on this one. When I first moved to the city, I went out a couple of times with this girl, really hot, great kisser, but she had the biggest Adam's apple. It made me nuts.
[Scene: A hallway, Joey and Ross find Mr. Geller with his ear up against a janitors closet door.]
Joey: I wish. No. After dinner, me, her, and Pepper all fell asleep in front of the fire. Well I woke up in the middle of the night and I saw that the fire was dying out. So, I picked up a log and threw it on. Or, at least what I thought was a log.
[Scene: Rifts Restaurant, as seen in Mad About You, Joey and Chandler are there.]
Joey: No, no, no. You actually did that when you were dancing to the Chicago-soundtrack. Look, Ross, about, about Rachel and I. Listen, you don't have to worry about that, okay? Because nothing is gonna happen.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel and Ben are sitting on the couch bored out of their minds.]
Joey: Oh! I got it! Ok, everyone pick a number from one to ten. Alright? Whoever gets the highest number gets to go first.
Joey: What do you like better action or comedy?
Joey: I couldn't. He was saying all these really nice things about me. I didn't want him to get mad and take 'em all back. I'm on a edge on Chandler.
Joey: (to everyone) Oh my God! He's trapped in an ATM vestibule with Jill Goodacre! (on phone) Chandler, listen. (says something intentionally garbled)
Joey: I play Al Pacino's butt. All right? He goes into the shower, and then- I'm his butt. Monica: (trying not to laugh) Oh my God. Joey: C'mon, you guys. This is a real movie, and Al Pacino's in it, and that's big! Chandler: Oh no, it's terrific, it's- it's- y'know, you deserve this, after all your years of struggling, you've finally been able to crack your way into show business. Joey: Okay, okay, fine! Make jokes, I don't care! This is a big break for me! Ross: You're right, you're right, it is.
[Cut to inside, Monica, Joey and Phoebe are singing while outside, Ross and Rachel are trying to get the cat off of Ross' shoulder.]
Joey: Fortune! This guy is so stupid. (yelling) It's Count Rushmore!!
Chandler: (trying to stop Ross leaving) C'mon, Ross! You, me, Joey, ice, guys' night out, c'mon, whaddya say, big guy, (Pretending to punch him in the stomach.) Huh? Huh? Huh?
JOEY: Yeah, there's just one thing that might be kind've a problem. See, I, uh, had to kiss this guy.
Joey: Remember what happened the last time I did an interview for them? I said I write a lot of my own lines, and then the writers got mad and made my character fall down the elevator shaft. So who knows what I might say this time.
Joey: Dude, I screwed up, you dont have to turn me in!
Joey: Yeah, I gotta go! I got an acting job. (Turns towards the door, pauses, and turns back.) Like youd believe that. This sucks!
Joey: Yeah! You gotta tell a girl before you tape her. Such a rookie mistake.
Joey: Well, at the Christmas party him and Santa did some definitely gay stuff!
Joey: (sighs) Wow... I did not see this coming.
Joey: Here? In the hall? What are we animals?
Joey: Ooh, I like that.
Chandler: I got something for her. (Joey picks up the package, shakes it next to his ear, can't hear anything, switches ears, shakes it again.) It's a book!
Joey: I know. And shes so sweet. I just wanna feed her grapes and brush her hair.
Joey: I guess you wouldnt believe me if I said I was Kurt Douglas, huh?
Joey: (Grunting) Hmm. (Monica opens the front door and comes in.)
Joey: Oh, come on! I wanna hear it! It wouldn't be Thanksgiving without Chandler bumming us out!
Joey: (muffled by the mouth guard) Hey you guys! Whats happening?
Joey: Look, you guys have been to every play Ive ever been in, have I ever had chemistry on stage?
[Scene: Chandler, Phoebe, Rachel, Monica comforting Joey at Monica and Rachel's apartment.]
Joey: All right thats it, school is in session! (Exits and slams the door.)
JOEY: Right. Goodbye Erica, good luck in Salem. Take care
Joey: (following him) But you haven't even heard the chorus!
[Joey enters with his new roommate who is played by none other than Elle MacPherson.]
Joey: I said I think you're hot and now I'm embarrassed.
JOEY: OK, uh.... listen, there's something I want to talk to you about. The network casting lady...
Joey: Are you kidding? Phoebe, I would be honored. (they hug)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel and Paolo are at the window. Ross and Joey are watching disgustedly.]
Joey: Ahhh! I heard "I do", were halfway there! Okay! (To Bobby) You!
Joey: Hey little buddy, how are you feeling? (The duck does not get sick and Joey recoils in horror and heads for the couch.) What the hell is in that face cream? (Hes about to try out the couch but notices the bed in Rachels room. He walks into her room and feels the bed.) Thats so soft. (He pulls back the comforter.) Pillowcases! (He climbs in and groans in delight. Suddenly, he feels something under him and pulls out a little beat up paperback book. He opens it and starts to read from it.) (In his head.) Zelda looked at the chimney sweep. Her father, the vicar (Stops reading and thinks.) The vicar? (Continues reading) wouldnt be home for hours. Her loins were burning. She threw caution to the wind and reached out and grabbed his (Out loud.) Whoa! (Reads on in silence.) Whoa-ho-ho-ho! This is a dirty book! (Continues to read.)
Joey: (returns to their old table where elderly people are sitting now, sits) Finally you guys made it. (looks up, turns left to Phoebe�s chair) Pheebs, who the hell�uhuhh!
Monica: Joey, put that down! (the phone rings) Oh my God! It's Pete. Okay, get out!! How the hell do you answer a video-phone! (steps in front of it, and automatically answers it)
Joey: Now YOU'RE telling me I can't see her?? You guys are killing me! She's forbidden fruit! It's like ... like she's the princess and I'm the stable boy ... Why are you doing this, huh? Did Ross tell you not to let me go over there?
[Scene: Chandler's office. Chandler is asleep in his chair holding a paper in one hand and a pen in the other. Joey walks in, waking up Chandler who covers by pretending to write on the paper.]
Joey: I'm sorry, I'm overreacting. Okay, It's just when it comes to food, I have certain rules, okay, I mean (bends down and with his plate and his hands, scrapes the dropped dinner back onto the plate and puts it back on the table) There are things you do..and you now, things.. (takes something from the plate and blows it a little) that you don't do (He takes a bite from it).
Monica: I guess I set up the video camera to try and entice Joey.
Chandler: Allright, fine, but don't blame me if it doesn't work. Because you know as well as I do that once Joey sets his mind on something, more often than not, he's going to have sex with it.
Joey: Yeah! I stayed at Kates, but ah, nothing happened. Hey, Pheebs, where were ya?
[Scene: The hallway and stairs outside Chandler and Monica's apartment.� Chandler enters from the stairs.� Joey is sitting with a baseball bat.]
Joey: I never laughed so hardDid you see the wine come out of my nose?
Joey: Look at you, all sweet and innocent, sleeping like an angel... with Emma's chubby little hands wrapped around ya. (he picks up Hugsy) It's okay, Emma, you stay asleep. (Emma cries)
Joey: Okay! (He yanks his hand away.) All right. Umm, all right Wayne, level with me. Okay? I-I keep hearing all these rumors that I might get fired. Okay, they even have actors coming in to read for my part! Come on man, you-you got to give me a second chance! I mean, I love-I love this little guy! (He grabs C.H.E.E.S.E.s arm and pulls it off at the elbow.) Ah-ah!! (Wayne is shocked.) Okay, thats why you didnt want me to touch him right? Here you go! Okay? (Hands Wayne the arm and he goes to fix it. Meanwhile Joey starts to berate himself.) Stupid! I cant believe it! God! (A very beautiful woman walks by.) (To her) Hey, how you doin? (He and her go over to talk and Wayne looks on with envy.)
Joey: (to a table of strangers) You guys need anything, cause Im heading up there.
[Scene: Joey’s apartment. Rachel’s there and Ross enters the room with a stuffed dinosaur]
Ross: No the-the sad thing is, if you had told him how you felt before you kissed her, knowing Joey, he probably just wouldve just stepped aside.
Joey: Yknow what I think? I think somebodys got a little crush on Casey. How bout I fix you two up? What do you think?
Rachel: So I thought Joey and I would be okay once we hung out, but its not even like we know how to be with each other anymore.
Joey: Oh yeah, and shes really nice too! She taught me about yknow, how to work with the cameras and smell-the-fart acting.
[Cut to inside Monica and Chandlers, Monica, Chandler and Joey are eating breakfast.]
Joey: (entering) Ooh-ooh-ooh! Are we opening presents?
Chandler: I can tell from your expressions that that's the good news you were hoping for... Well, I'm gonna go continue to... spread the joy.(Chandler leaves the apartment. Joey sighs)
[Scene: The Movie Set, Joey is walking up to the director, pleading with him to let him go.]
(Joey is bent over at the waist and is looking for something under Monica's bed.)
[Flashback to Joeys thirtieth birthday party. It is being held in Monica and Chandlers apartment.]
Joey: I'm takin' Ursula tonight. It's her birthday.
Joey: (angrily and monotone) Any one of the brilliant actresses nominated for this award tonight deserves to take it home. Unfortunately only one can. (Shakes his head in disgust.) The nominees for Best Supporting Actress are from Passions Erin Goff. (There is applause, which Joey disgustedly waits to dye out.) From One Life to Live Mary Loren Bishop (They start to applaud again, but Joey interrupts in with the rest of the nominees), from All My Children Sarah Mchann, and from Days of Our Lives Jessica Ashley. And the winner is (Opens the envelope) Jessica Ashley from Days of Our Lives. (Applause) Uh, unfortunately Jessica couldnt be with us tonight so Ill be accepting this award on her behalf. (Realizes something) And Im sure that Jessica would like to thank my parents who always believed in me. Shed also like to thank my friends, Chandler, Monica, Ross, Phoebe, and Rachel whos sittin right there! (Points at Rachel.) (The music starts and his microphone is turned off, this angers Joey again and he disgustedly exits.)