words in movies
Monica: Oh my God!
Monica: Why did they get divorced?
Monica: And what if I was still fat? (To Chandler) Well, you wouldnt be dating me, thats for sure.
Ross: No, I just think Monica was that fat.
{Transcribers note: This is where the opening credits are, but theyre not the usual opening credits. Oh no! These credits are based on the world that would have been created had all of the above actually happened. It starts out with all of them at the fountain sitting on the couch as Fat Monica runs up and sits on the arm of the couch, tilting the whole thing towards her. It then goes on to show Rachels still a shop-aholic and with Barry. Fat Monica is sweating while cooking and dancing while eating a donut. Phoebe as the Wall Street shark smoking while on two cell phones. Then theyre dancing in the fountain. Joey entering as Dr. Drake Remoray and meeting a groupie. Chandler trying to write as a bird does its business on his shoulder and falling asleep while typing. Ross doing some kara-tay and trying to get Carol into bed. And finally, some more dancing in the fountain, them all flexing, and the turning out the lamp and shutting off all the lights bit from the first season. Just remember one thing, this is an alternate universe. Everything from every other episode doesnt apply, for instance, Ross and Rachel have no history. And in fact have not seen each other in years in this world.}
Rachel: Ohh, of course Monicas brother!
Rachel: Oh, its the best! (They both exhale contemplating the joys of marriage.) So, umm hows Monica?
Ross: Uh-huh. (Steps to a random kid nearby and hands him his money.) Hey, here you go buddy. Sorry, no porn for you. (To Rachel) Okay, lets go see Monica!
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Fat Monica, and her boyfriend are sitting on the couch. Monicas boyfriend is getting up to get something. For future reference, for the rest of this episode Monicas fat, I wont be calling her Fat Monica throughout.]
Joey: So Monica, still going out with Dr. Boring huh?
Monica: Hes not boring! Hes just-hes just low key.
Monica's Boyfriend: (returning) Here we go, one Hazelnut Latte. (Hands it to Monica and sits down.)
Monica: Thanks.
Monica: Oh no! Whats the matter?
Monica: Okay.
Monica: Bye.
Monica: Maybe Joey doesnt have to give you the money, TV stars have assistants right?
Monica: No Joey! Chandler could be your assistant! See, he could answer all of your fan mail and stuff!
Monica: Hey Phoebe! Guess what?
Monica: Joey just hired Chandler to be his assistant!
Monica: Hey!
Monica: (gets up and gasps) Oh my God! Rachel!! (Rachel is stunned to see that her long lost friend is still fat.) (Monica goes over and gives Rachel a big bear hug, which is quite easy for her.) You look terrific!
Monica: You are so sweet to notice! Yes, I lost three and a half pounds!
Monica: Oh my God, sit down! Sit down! How long as it been since weve seen each other?
Monica: Rach, hes a friend of ours.
Monica: (getting up) Joey!
Monica: Ohhh! (Takes the plate.) No! This is my friend Rachel, we went to High School together.
Joey: (turning and whispering to Monica) Shes not crazy is she?
Monica: No.
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe are there. Phoebes cell phone rings and she goes through her little routine of lighting a cigarette before answering the phone.]
Monica: (laughs) You realize what you are dont you?
Monica: Youre his bitch.
Phoebe: (yelling from Monicas room) No-no!! No!!
Monica: (panicked) Oh wait! You didnt just sit on my Kit-Kats did you?!!
Monica: What?!
Monica: Yes!!
Monica: Oh my God!
[Scene: A hospital, Phoebe is recovering from her heart attack as Ross, Monica, and Chandler are there to comfort and support her.]
Monica: Honey, having a heart attack is natures way of telling you to slow it down.
Monica: Lets take a walk. (They start to leave.) Yknow maybe you should consider writing for Talking Out of Your Ass magazine! (They exit.)
[Scene: A hospital hallway, Chandler is sitting on a gurney with his hands spread out behind his back. Then Monica comes and plops down on the gurney and one of his hands. Chandler immediately recoils in extreme pain.]
Monica: Sorry. So hows it going with Joey?
Monica: Yeah! Shes right in there! (Points to Phoebes room.)
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica is eating breakfast as Chandler enters.]
Monica: Oh my God! Thats great! Oh wow! (Hugs him.) Youre a published writer! I wish I had a present for you!
Monica: Wait a minute! (Quickly checks her pockets and pulls out ) My last Kit-Kat bar!
(Chandler tries to take it, but Monica wont let go. He tugs harder, and she still doesnt budge.)
Monica: Okay!!
Joey: (entering) Hey! Hey Chandler look, I know youre mad, but I just want to say Im sorry. I-I was a total jerk. Completely o-over the line. Uh, I just I hate pulp! Yknow? I mean, yknow how Monica feels about low fat mayonnaise?
Monica: Its not mayonnaise!!
Monica: Hey Joey, Chandler sold a story to Archie Comics!
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica is there as Rachel enters.]
Monica: Yeah, a lot. A lot, a lot!
Monica: Well, yknow its none of my business, but arent you married?
Monica: Well, youre not.
Monica: Yeah I can! (Laughs) And dont think I dont, because I do! I mean all the time, you betcha! (Laughs.)
Rachel: Monica. Youve, youve done it right?
Monica: (giggles) Of course I have! What do you think, Im some 30 year old virgin?
Monica: Say it louder, I dont think the guy all the way in the back heard you!
Monica: Its not like, I havent any opportunities. I mean, yknow, Im just waiting for the perfect guy. Im seeing this guy Roger, all right? Hes not perfect, but umm, I think maybe I should just get it over with. Yknow, give him my flower.
Monica: Yknow what? You are right?!
Monica: Rachel! Im never gonna think its okay for you to cheat on your husband!
[Scene: The hospital, Ross and Monica are in Phoebes room. Phoebe is in the bathroom and Monica notices smoke coming out from underneath the door.]
Monica: Phoebe, why is smoke coming out of the bathroom?!
Monica: Phoebe! Put that cigarette out!
Monica: Put it out!!
Ross: (To Monica) Yeah, shes fired.
[Scene: The hospital, Chandler and Monica are there with Phoebe as Ross enters.]
Monica: (handing her a cup) Here you go sweetie.
Monica: But, I put some honey in it.
(Phoebe mocks what Monica just said. Ross pulls Chandler aside.)
Monica: Well, you used to like playing the guitar.
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica is pouring wine for her boyfriend, Dr. Roger.]
Monica: I hope youre hungry, were starting with oysters. And yknow what they say about oysters, dont you?
Monica: No! Umm well, some people say that Oysters are an aphrodisiac.
Monica: People! People say it! Come here! (She grabs him and kisses him.)
Monica: And then were gonna have a little Middle Eastern cous-cous. Something we can eat, with our hands.
Monica: No-no-no, no! Its sensual!
Monica: Okay! (They kiss again and his beeper goes off.) Ohhh no!
Monica: I cant promise anything. (She starts to dig in.)
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Chandler and Monica are eating Monicas dinner.]
Monica: Yeah, me too.
Monica: Stop it!! Thats not funny!!
Monica: Im sorry, okay? It justtonight was supposed to be yknow, it was supposed to be a big deal.
Monica: You dont want to know what tonight was.
Monica: Well, tonight waswas going to be my first time.
Chandler: With Roger? (Monica shyly looks away.) Not just with Roger?! (Monica shrugs.) Oh my God!
Monica: All right relax Mr. Ive Had Sex Four Times!
Monica: How many?
Monica: I was just waiting for the perfect guy.
Monica: No. Hes not a horrible guy.
Monica: Chandler, Im gonna die a virgin!
Monica: Oh really? When? Do you wanna do it with me?
Monica: I was kidding.
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, continued from earlier. Monica and Chandler are still discussing the previous question.]
Monica: No! (They both laugh.) Oyster?
Monica: Yeah but see I have nothing to compare it too. So even if youre horrible, how would I know?
Monica: Its harder for me! I have those four other women to compete with!
Monica: Absolutely! It would just be one friend (Points at Chandler) helping out another friend. (Points at herself.)
Monica: Noo!! Okay!!
Monica: Umm, do you have any uhh, moves?
Monica: I have no moves. (He moves in to kiss her and she laughs and backs away.) Okay, whatcha doin there?! (Giggles.) Oh yknow what? Im sorry, this is just too weird.
Monica: What if I turn out the lights? (Runs to shut them off.)
Monica: Chandler?
Monica: Thats the couch.
[Scene: Monicas bedroom, she has just lost her flower to Chandler.]
Monica: I know! Ill tell you something, we are gonna do that again!
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica is making a sandwich as Chandler enters.]
Monica: Hey!
Monica: Hey, check me out, Im a slut!
Monica: Oh I cant. Dr. Roger is coming over again.
Monica: Are you okay?
Monica: Great! Its so amazing! I mean, last time Dr. Roger came over, I was so nervous, but then after being with you Im all like, "Can the doctor see me now?"
Monica: Yknow, I dont have an appointment, but I sure could use a physical. (He laughs halfheartedly) Are you sure youre okay?
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica is blowing out a candle as Chandler enters.]
Monica: Yeah, come on, eat, whatever you want. Dr. Roger got beeped again.
Monica: What?!
Monica: Why would you do that?
Monica: Really?
Monica: Chandler!
(Monica runs over and kisses him.)
Monica: There was just one woman, wasnt there?
Monica: Including me?
(They hug. And quickly that hug turns into a heated make out session, right there on the waiting room couch. Chandler, Rachel, and Monica quickly make their exits.)
MONICA: What did you say?
Chandler: Monica has a secret closet and she wont let me see whats in it.
MONICA: You sold me out.
MONICA: Ya know, you had no right to go out with him.
MONICA: Yes you did. Absolutely.
MONICA: OK.
MONICA: Yes.
MONICA AND RACHEL: Ow. Ow. Ow.
MONICA: Uh-huh.
MONICA: Fine,
Monica: Honey, Im not even going to pretend I was listening. (Sees someone else.) Hey! Hey! (Goes over to that person.)
MONICA: Say you're sorry.
MONICA: Say you're sorry.
MONICA: Say it.
[Monica and Rachel start yelling at the same time]
MONICA: Rachel, you say you're sorry or your sweater gets it.
MONICA: I'll help you fix your sweater.
MONICA: I'm sorry that I made you stop seeing him.
MONICA: So you watched the movies huh?
MONICA: OK.
Monica: No. You know, sometimes just things doesn't work out.
MONICA AND RACHEL: Oh, no no no no no.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the next morning, Monica is getting the door.]
MONICA AND RACHEL: No no no no.
MONICA AND RACHEL: Bye-bye.
MONICA: Just some stuff for the party.
Monica: Oh God Phoebe!! (Phoebe covers one ear.) Oh thats it! Thats it! Right there! Oh! (Tries to cover the other ear.) Ooooh-oooh-ooooh (Covers both ears and continues the massage with her elbows.)
MONICA: Well, CHP because I used to have a crush on Eric Estrada. And ZXY becuase I think it sounds zexy.
MONICA: Great.
Monica: Phoebe, that's how it starts. I don't need to eat the cake, I'll just smell the icing... why don't I just eat a little sliver, or, okay, just a slice or two. And next thing you know, you're 210 pounds and you get wedged in going down the tunnel slide. Phoebe, honey, I know this is hard. Look, if you talk to him, you're going to wanna see him. And if you see him, you're going to want to get back together with him. I know that's not what you want. (pause) Give me your phone.
MONICA: You got it.
Monica: And you know what? We want a rematch.
MONICA: No really, they're OK.
RACHEL: Monica, Monica, look at this lamp. Is this tacky or what? We have to have this.
MONICA: That's your call.
(Joey comes out of Monica’s apartment and sees Rachel and Amy but does not notice the huge amount of bags)
[Scene: Monica's apartment. The stripper is sitting at the kitchen table. Monica, Rachel and Phoebe are standing around him]
Monica: All right people listen, Ive got exactly twenty-eight minutes before I have to baste again.
Monica: That's it, just sign right on the bra (the actor does so).
MONICA: Oh yeah, well there's the possibility that I won't make rent.
MONICA: Hi.
MONICA: So, what's this.
MONICA: Oh, then go Vassar.
Monica: Oh, I havent had that feeling since I first started going out with Chandler. Wow, Im never gonna have that feeling again am I?
(Ross, Chandler and Monica are in the kitchen area)
[Scene: Library. Phoebe is getting ready to sing for the kids. Chandler, Monica, and Rachel are there.]
[Time lapse, dinner has finished and Chandler is sitting on the couch eating some pie. Monica sits down beside him, and he gets pushed up a little by the wave she makes in the couch.]
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Ross and Monica are still going on about the house.]
MONICA: Ok, then just go.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Rachel, Phoebe, and Chandler are there. Monica is entering from her room.]
ROSS: Monica, if you want, I can lend you some money.
Monica: uh huh.. I mean these things happen. Its' just a plate. Its not like somebody died.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone except Joey and Chandler are there eating breakfast.]
Rachel: (entering with Paolo, arm in arm) Everybody, this is Paolo. Paolo, I want you to meet my friends. This is Monica.
Joey: (walking towards her to hold her and support her) Monica, you understand what we are saying, right?
MONICA: It's just that he doesn't have that much free time, ya know, and I don't know, what do I do?
MONICA: Where have you been?
MONICA and ROSS: In the bank.
Rachel: I couldn't be inner. Monica?
Monica: (as Rachel) Yeah... (joining the others) ..see, I was supposed to get married, but, um, I left the guy at the altar.
Monica: You know what probably happened? Someone musta stolen my credit card.
[Scene: Monicas new kitchen, Allesandro is introducing her to her new employees.]
Monica: Yknow all my friends think this is weird.
Monica: Well, it's the thought. Hey, doesn't Ross's flight get in in a couple hours? At gate 27-B?
MONICA: Oh, you look so great.
MONICA: Quit flicking [flicks]
MRS. GELLER: Get a shot of Monica. Where's Monica.
MONICA: You don't have the guts.
MONICA: Oops.
Chandler: Phoebe if it helps Alexandra has only been massaging Monica for like three years. (Phoebe rolls her eyes and walks away and Monica glares at him.) If! I said, "If it helps!" (Goes to the bedroom.)
Monica: What is it? Is there something fundamentally unmarriable about me?
Monica: Its a dead dog. Thats Chi-Chi; she died when I was in high school.
MONICA: Ya know, Roy saw Star Wars 317 times. His name was in the paper.
Monica: Come on, get into bed! I want to prove to you that Im not sick! I wanna make you feel, as good as I feel. (Sneezes.)
Monica: (sympathetic) Oh. (in a pirates voice) So you made her walk the plank? Aye, matie?
Rachel: Oh, Monica, you think Skippy liked you? Honey, all those buys had a bet to see if he can knock you over.
MONICA: Alright.
MONICA: Actually, I was gonna do them jullienne.
Monica: Be that as it may, d'you think you could just help us out here on that monkey thing? Y'know, just for old times' sake? Go Bobcats?
MONICA: What's tonight?
MONICA: [walks up to Rachel in front of the TV] Tonight?
MONICA: Uh, hello.
Monica: Another good point.
DR. BURKE: Monica? My God you used to be so. . . I mean you, you, you, you must have lost like. . . You look great.
MONICA: Sorry we're late.
MONICA: I'm sorry.
Monica: Because Purvry Perverson over here cant stop staring at her.
MONICA: I am not.
RACHEL: Monica.
RACHEL: Monica.
RACHEL: Monica.
JOEY: Some girl ate Monica.
Monica: Well you let me know if you can, because yknow I can bake a pie to cover it.
Monica: (to Rachel) Hey, where is this guy, it's been over an hour!
Monica: Please... Chandler is the love of my life... (At which point a man in leather pants walks by)... oooh leather pants! Have Mercy! (Follows the man in the leather)
Rachel: Well, someone was supposed to write "Rach, take down the lights" and put it on the re... frigerate... (finally noticing Monicas note stuck to the refrigerator) How long has that been there?
MONICA: Really.
MONICA: You too.
MONICA: What?