words in movies
Monica: Oh my God!
Monica: Why did they get divorced?
Monica: And what if I was still fat? (To Chandler) Well, you wouldnt be dating me, thats for sure.
Ross: No, I just think Monica was that fat.
{Transcribers note: This is where the opening credits are, but theyre not the usual opening credits. Oh no! These credits are based on the world that would have been created had all of the above actually happened. It starts out with all of them at the fountain sitting on the couch as Fat Monica runs up and sits on the arm of the couch, tilting the whole thing towards her. It then goes on to show Rachels still a shop-aholic and with Barry. Fat Monica is sweating while cooking and dancing while eating a donut. Phoebe as the Wall Street shark smoking while on two cell phones. Then theyre dancing in the fountain. Joey entering as Dr. Drake Remoray and meeting a groupie. Chandler trying to write as a bird does its business on his shoulder and falling asleep while typing. Ross doing some kara-tay and trying to get Carol into bed. And finally, some more dancing in the fountain, them all flexing, and the turning out the lamp and shutting off all the lights bit from the first season. Just remember one thing, this is an alternate universe. Everything from every other episode doesnt apply, for instance, Ross and Rachel have no history. And in fact have not seen each other in years in this world.}
Rachel: Ohh, of course Monicas brother!
Rachel: Oh, its the best! (They both exhale contemplating the joys of marriage.) So, umm hows Monica?
Ross: Uh-huh. (Steps to a random kid nearby and hands him his money.) Hey, here you go buddy. Sorry, no porn for you. (To Rachel) Okay, lets go see Monica!
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Fat Monica, and her boyfriend are sitting on the couch. Monicas boyfriend is getting up to get something. For future reference, for the rest of this episode Monicas fat, I wont be calling her Fat Monica throughout.]
Joey: So Monica, still going out with Dr. Boring huh?
Monica: Hes not boring! Hes just-hes just low key.
Monica's Boyfriend: (returning) Here we go, one Hazelnut Latte. (Hands it to Monica and sits down.)
Monica: Thanks.
Monica: Oh no! Whats the matter?
Monica: Okay.
Monica: Bye.
Monica: Maybe Joey doesnt have to give you the money, TV stars have assistants right?
Monica: No Joey! Chandler could be your assistant! See, he could answer all of your fan mail and stuff!
Monica: Hey Phoebe! Guess what?
Monica: Joey just hired Chandler to be his assistant!
Monica: Hey!
Monica: (gets up and gasps) Oh my God! Rachel!! (Rachel is stunned to see that her long lost friend is still fat.) (Monica goes over and gives Rachel a big bear hug, which is quite easy for her.) You look terrific!
Monica: You are so sweet to notice! Yes, I lost three and a half pounds!
Monica: Oh my God, sit down! Sit down! How long as it been since weve seen each other?
Monica: Rach, hes a friend of ours.
Monica: (getting up) Joey!
Monica: Ohhh! (Takes the plate.) No! This is my friend Rachel, we went to High School together.
Joey: (turning and whispering to Monica) Shes not crazy is she?
Monica: No.
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe are there. Phoebes cell phone rings and she goes through her little routine of lighting a cigarette before answering the phone.]
Monica: (laughs) You realize what you are dont you?
Monica: Youre his bitch.
Phoebe: (yelling from Monicas room) No-no!! No!!
Monica: (panicked) Oh wait! You didnt just sit on my Kit-Kats did you?!!
Monica: What?!
Monica: Yes!!
Monica: Oh my God!
[Scene: A hospital, Phoebe is recovering from her heart attack as Ross, Monica, and Chandler are there to comfort and support her.]
Monica: Honey, having a heart attack is natures way of telling you to slow it down.
Monica: Lets take a walk. (They start to leave.) Yknow maybe you should consider writing for Talking Out of Your Ass magazine! (They exit.)
[Scene: A hospital hallway, Chandler is sitting on a gurney with his hands spread out behind his back. Then Monica comes and plops down on the gurney and one of his hands. Chandler immediately recoils in extreme pain.]
Monica: Sorry. So hows it going with Joey?
Monica: Yeah! Shes right in there! (Points to Phoebes room.)
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica is eating breakfast as Chandler enters.]
Monica: Oh my God! Thats great! Oh wow! (Hugs him.) Youre a published writer! I wish I had a present for you!
Monica: Wait a minute! (Quickly checks her pockets and pulls out ) My last Kit-Kat bar!
(Chandler tries to take it, but Monica wont let go. He tugs harder, and she still doesnt budge.)
Monica: Okay!!
Joey: (entering) Hey! Hey Chandler look, I know youre mad, but I just want to say Im sorry. I-I was a total jerk. Completely o-over the line. Uh, I just I hate pulp! Yknow? I mean, yknow how Monica feels about low fat mayonnaise?
Monica: Its not mayonnaise!!
Monica: Hey Joey, Chandler sold a story to Archie Comics!
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica is there as Rachel enters.]
Monica: Yeah, a lot. A lot, a lot!
Monica: Well, yknow its none of my business, but arent you married?
Monica: Well, youre not.
Monica: Yeah I can! (Laughs) And dont think I dont, because I do! I mean all the time, you betcha! (Laughs.)
Rachel: Monica. Youve, youve done it right?
Monica: (giggles) Of course I have! What do you think, Im some 30 year old virgin?
Monica: Say it louder, I dont think the guy all the way in the back heard you!
Monica: Its not like, I havent any opportunities. I mean, yknow, Im just waiting for the perfect guy. Im seeing this guy Roger, all right? Hes not perfect, but umm, I think maybe I should just get it over with. Yknow, give him my flower.
Monica: Yknow what? You are right?!
Monica: Rachel! Im never gonna think its okay for you to cheat on your husband!
[Scene: The hospital, Ross and Monica are in Phoebes room. Phoebe is in the bathroom and Monica notices smoke coming out from underneath the door.]
Monica: Phoebe, why is smoke coming out of the bathroom?!
Monica: Phoebe! Put that cigarette out!
Monica: Put it out!!
Ross: (To Monica) Yeah, shes fired.
[Scene: The hospital, Chandler and Monica are there with Phoebe as Ross enters.]
Monica: (handing her a cup) Here you go sweetie.
Monica: But, I put some honey in it.
(Phoebe mocks what Monica just said. Ross pulls Chandler aside.)
Monica: Well, you used to like playing the guitar.
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica is pouring wine for her boyfriend, Dr. Roger.]
Monica: I hope youre hungry, were starting with oysters. And yknow what they say about oysters, dont you?
Monica: No! Umm well, some people say that Oysters are an aphrodisiac.
Monica: People! People say it! Come here! (She grabs him and kisses him.)
Monica: And then were gonna have a little Middle Eastern cous-cous. Something we can eat, with our hands.
Monica: No-no-no, no! Its sensual!
Monica: Okay! (They kiss again and his beeper goes off.) Ohhh no!
Monica: I cant promise anything. (She starts to dig in.)
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Chandler and Monica are eating Monicas dinner.]
Monica: Yeah, me too.
Monica: Stop it!! Thats not funny!!
Monica: Im sorry, okay? It justtonight was supposed to be yknow, it was supposed to be a big deal.
Monica: You dont want to know what tonight was.
Monica: Well, tonight waswas going to be my first time.
Chandler: With Roger? (Monica shyly looks away.) Not just with Roger?! (Monica shrugs.) Oh my God!
Monica: All right relax Mr. Ive Had Sex Four Times!
Monica: How many?
Monica: I was just waiting for the perfect guy.
Monica: No. Hes not a horrible guy.
Monica: Chandler, Im gonna die a virgin!
Monica: Oh really? When? Do you wanna do it with me?
Monica: I was kidding.
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, continued from earlier. Monica and Chandler are still discussing the previous question.]
Monica: No! (They both laugh.) Oyster?
Monica: Yeah but see I have nothing to compare it too. So even if youre horrible, how would I know?
Monica: Its harder for me! I have those four other women to compete with!
Monica: Absolutely! It would just be one friend (Points at Chandler) helping out another friend. (Points at herself.)
Monica: Noo!! Okay!!
Monica: Umm, do you have any uhh, moves?
Monica: I have no moves. (He moves in to kiss her and she laughs and backs away.) Okay, whatcha doin there?! (Giggles.) Oh yknow what? Im sorry, this is just too weird.
Monica: What if I turn out the lights? (Runs to shut them off.)
Monica: Chandler?
Monica: Thats the couch.
[Scene: Monicas bedroom, she has just lost her flower to Chandler.]
Monica: I know! Ill tell you something, we are gonna do that again!
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica is making a sandwich as Chandler enters.]
Monica: Hey!
Monica: Hey, check me out, Im a slut!
Monica: Oh I cant. Dr. Roger is coming over again.
Monica: Are you okay?
Monica: Great! Its so amazing! I mean, last time Dr. Roger came over, I was so nervous, but then after being with you Im all like, "Can the doctor see me now?"
Monica: Yknow, I dont have an appointment, but I sure could use a physical. (He laughs halfheartedly) Are you sure youre okay?
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica is blowing out a candle as Chandler enters.]
Monica: Yeah, come on, eat, whatever you want. Dr. Roger got beeped again.
Monica: What?!
Monica: Why would you do that?
Monica: Really?
Monica: Chandler!
(Monica runs over and kisses him.)
Monica: There was just one woman, wasnt there?
Monica: Including me?
Monica: Heads! No, Tails! He-he-heads!
Monica: All right. But umm, I-I-Ill pay you back all the money you invested, and you can keep the van.
Monica: Ah, yeaaah!
Monica: Ah, yeah!
Monica: NO, NO, NOOO!
Monica: Oh, damn it!
Monica: Best out of three?
[Cut to later in that episode. Monica and Chandler are confronting Joey in his apartment about Phoebes knowledge.]
Chandler: DO NOT DISTURB DO NOT DISTURB! Monica: (smiles)
Monica: No, I have just to have two more points to beat him!
Monica: What?
Monica: (laughs nervously as well, Laura looks confused) (To Laura) Some people don't get him, but I think he's really funny! (She takes Laura to their own bedroom).
Joey: (using a laptop) Oh, Monica and Chandler's recommendation. I want it to sound smart but.. I don't know any big words or anything, so...
Monica: I can't just walk away! I've put in four hours!
Monica: (to Chandler) Honey, you don't have to do this.
Monica: But... you suck!
Monica: That's just good sense!
(they start playing again; suddenly Monica hits the table with her hand)
Monica: Oh my God! You're good!
Monica: Why?
Monica: Ok, there's enthusiastic and there's just plain gay!!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is recovering from her haircut, Phoebe is playing her doctor and is coming in from the bedroom.]
Monica: What's up?
Monica: I'll put a pillowcase over my head.
Monica: Oh my God, that's Charlie!
Monica: What?
Monica: I'm not sure about this.
Monica: (muffled) Thank you.
Monica: I can't believe this. Rachel and Joey?
(they start to kiss again, and Phoebe turns to Chandler and Monica)
Monica: I'm on it!
Monica: Do you wanna live outside?! Because its gettin cold! (To Phoebe) She gets tons of catalogs and umm, shell fold down the pages of the things she thinks that Id like.
Monica: So, did I hear Poconos?
Monica: (as Rachel) Remember back in freshman year? (Talking fast before Rachel can catch her) Well, Billy Dreskin and I had sex on your bed.
Monica: Other wall, people! Other wall!
Monica: (also hugs the wall) Yeah, we had a great time, thank you! (walks to Phoebe)
Monica: Just figured, 'cause you and Ross are...
Monica: Man, I knew it! I knew you were going to do this!!
Monica, Chandler and Phoebe: YE-AH!
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, continued from earlier, everyone is now in the living room drinking champagne.]
Phoebe: Hey, have you guys seen Monica?
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler has a box of keys and is trying them on the secret closet when someone enters.]
Monica: What do you think?
Monica: Check it out!
Joey: I thought you didn't have secrets from Monica.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are returning. Phoebe is still on hold.]
Phoebe: Hey, does Monica know about her broken plates yet?
Monica: Honey, if you know it through a wall, you know it too well!
Monica: Yeah!
Monica: Okay, heres your milk. What do you want to talk about? (She sees that Chandler has fallen asleep and slams the door loudly to wake him up.)
Monica: You what? You said you liked them.
[Scene: Rachels bedroom, Rachel is entering carrying two glasses of wine. She gives one to Phoebe, keeps one, and completely ignores Monica.]
[Outside the window, Monica and Chandler jog up. Monica playfully pushes him. They start puching and slapping harder and harder until Monica pushes him down. Chandler stands up, with a serious expression, and chases her away.]
Monica: Ok, how about this: We got wind up toys for Emma for her birthday. We can make them race, and whoever comes in last, stays!
Monica: And the eye!
Monica: Fine, so you don't like them. Everybody else does.
Monica: No, those first two windows, (Points) that's the lobby. And y'know the other one over there, that's the stairway. You've been counting wrong.
(He turns his back to Monica and does the international sign for big boobies again.)
Monica: Not really.
Monica: I have a problem.
Monica: Well, I was dancing around, and singing "No Woman, No Cry" and I got stuck.
Monica: Are you crazy?! We own those two! I mean look at 'um, he can't breath and she's popping pills.
Monica: Really? I don't really feel like it.
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel, Phoebe, Joey, Ross, and Monica are all there as Chandler enters wearing glasses.]
Monica: Sure, what do you have in mind?
Chandler: You got a man who's a nanny...? You got a manny...? (Monica starts laughing, but very exaggerated. Joey realises they also should laugh and punches Ross. Now all three of them laugh, but very fake. Chandler seems happy again.)
Monica: Hey.
Monica: I don't know!
Monica: That's sweet. Drink your hair.
(Monica glares at him.)
Monica: That's not really how it works.
Monica: Which one is which again?
Monica: Hi Frank.
Monica: Okay, but there is a wire back there! I mean that switch is connected to something!
Phoebe: Okay. (Monica closes the door, gets the guitar, and then hands it out.)
Monica: Oh my god!
Monica: Thank you so much for seeing us. Phoebe has told us such great things about you guys.
Monica: (closing the door) Its unbelievable! I-I cant believe that sign didnt work!
(Monica looks at him.)
Monica: Well, we appreciate anything you can tell us.
Monica: It's.. It's just so pretty and white.
Monica: Can I adopt you?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, Ross is relating his recent conversation with Emily to the gang.]
Monica: They're in the kitchen getting something to eat. Can you believe how nice they are?
Monica: Why? What did you do in the bathroom?
Monica: (Holding a shirt in front of Ross.) Okay, maybe this will make your teeth look less white. (Ross has a big smile.) Nope. Okay, colors that dont work are blue, yellow, green, red, black, white, orange, and purple.
Monica: I know! Now look, theres only one problem though. Theres only room for one, so I guess one of you will have to stay at Joeys.
Monica: Hey, Phoebs
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler is sitting at the kitchen table staring at the phone as Monica enters.]
Monica: What?
[Chandler and Monica head out with some stuff. Phoebe comes out of her room with a bag.]
[Scene: Central Perk. Monica and Chandler enter to find Phoebe there with the triplets.]
Chandler: Owen didn't know he was adopted, and Monica told him.
(Monica, Phoebe, Chandler and Mike walk away, sipping their drinks)
Monica: (to Chandler) Hey sweetie! (they kiss)
Chandler: (To Monica) Why...why?
Monica: (entering) Hey!
Monica: Chandler gets pedicures!
Monica: Hey Phoebe!
Monica: There. Here's their card.