words in movies
Monica: Oh my God!
Monica: Why did they get divorced?
Monica: And what if I was still fat? (To Chandler) Well, you wouldnt be dating me, thats for sure.
Ross: No, I just think Monica was that fat.
{Transcribers note: This is where the opening credits are, but theyre not the usual opening credits. Oh no! These credits are based on the world that would have been created had all of the above actually happened. It starts out with all of them at the fountain sitting on the couch as Fat Monica runs up and sits on the arm of the couch, tilting the whole thing towards her. It then goes on to show Rachels still a shop-aholic and with Barry. Fat Monica is sweating while cooking and dancing while eating a donut. Phoebe as the Wall Street shark smoking while on two cell phones. Then theyre dancing in the fountain. Joey entering as Dr. Drake Remoray and meeting a groupie. Chandler trying to write as a bird does its business on his shoulder and falling asleep while typing. Ross doing some kara-tay and trying to get Carol into bed. And finally, some more dancing in the fountain, them all flexing, and the turning out the lamp and shutting off all the lights bit from the first season. Just remember one thing, this is an alternate universe. Everything from every other episode doesnt apply, for instance, Ross and Rachel have no history. And in fact have not seen each other in years in this world.}
Rachel: Ohh, of course Monicas brother!
Rachel: Oh, its the best! (They both exhale contemplating the joys of marriage.) So, umm hows Monica?
Ross: Uh-huh. (Steps to a random kid nearby and hands him his money.) Hey, here you go buddy. Sorry, no porn for you. (To Rachel) Okay, lets go see Monica!
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Fat Monica, and her boyfriend are sitting on the couch. Monicas boyfriend is getting up to get something. For future reference, for the rest of this episode Monicas fat, I wont be calling her Fat Monica throughout.]
Joey: So Monica, still going out with Dr. Boring huh?
Monica: Hes not boring! Hes just-hes just low key.
Monica's Boyfriend: (returning) Here we go, one Hazelnut Latte. (Hands it to Monica and sits down.)
Monica: Thanks.
Monica: Oh no! Whats the matter?
Monica: Okay.
Monica: Bye.
Monica: Maybe Joey doesnt have to give you the money, TV stars have assistants right?
Monica: No Joey! Chandler could be your assistant! See, he could answer all of your fan mail and stuff!
Monica: Hey Phoebe! Guess what?
Monica: Joey just hired Chandler to be his assistant!
Monica: Hey!
Monica: (gets up and gasps) Oh my God! Rachel!! (Rachel is stunned to see that her long lost friend is still fat.) (Monica goes over and gives Rachel a big bear hug, which is quite easy for her.) You look terrific!
Monica: You are so sweet to notice! Yes, I lost three and a half pounds!
Monica: Oh my God, sit down! Sit down! How long as it been since weve seen each other?
Monica: Rach, hes a friend of ours.
Monica: (getting up) Joey!
Monica: Ohhh! (Takes the plate.) No! This is my friend Rachel, we went to High School together.
Joey: (turning and whispering to Monica) Shes not crazy is she?
Monica: No.
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe are there. Phoebes cell phone rings and she goes through her little routine of lighting a cigarette before answering the phone.]
Monica: (laughs) You realize what you are dont you?
Monica: Youre his bitch.
Phoebe: (yelling from Monicas room) No-no!! No!!
Monica: (panicked) Oh wait! You didnt just sit on my Kit-Kats did you?!!
Monica: What?!
Monica: Yes!!
Monica: Oh my God!
[Scene: A hospital, Phoebe is recovering from her heart attack as Ross, Monica, and Chandler are there to comfort and support her.]
Monica: Honey, having a heart attack is natures way of telling you to slow it down.
Monica: Lets take a walk. (They start to leave.) Yknow maybe you should consider writing for Talking Out of Your Ass magazine! (They exit.)
[Scene: A hospital hallway, Chandler is sitting on a gurney with his hands spread out behind his back. Then Monica comes and plops down on the gurney and one of his hands. Chandler immediately recoils in extreme pain.]
Monica: Sorry. So hows it going with Joey?
Monica: Yeah! Shes right in there! (Points to Phoebes room.)
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica is eating breakfast as Chandler enters.]
Monica: Oh my God! Thats great! Oh wow! (Hugs him.) Youre a published writer! I wish I had a present for you!
Monica: Wait a minute! (Quickly checks her pockets and pulls out ) My last Kit-Kat bar!
(Chandler tries to take it, but Monica wont let go. He tugs harder, and she still doesnt budge.)
Monica: Okay!!
Joey: (entering) Hey! Hey Chandler look, I know youre mad, but I just want to say Im sorry. I-I was a total jerk. Completely o-over the line. Uh, I just I hate pulp! Yknow? I mean, yknow how Monica feels about low fat mayonnaise?
Monica: Its not mayonnaise!!
Monica: Hey Joey, Chandler sold a story to Archie Comics!
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica is there as Rachel enters.]
Monica: Yeah, a lot. A lot, a lot!
Monica: Well, yknow its none of my business, but arent you married?
Monica: Well, youre not.
Monica: Yeah I can! (Laughs) And dont think I dont, because I do! I mean all the time, you betcha! (Laughs.)
Rachel: Monica. Youve, youve done it right?
Monica: (giggles) Of course I have! What do you think, Im some 30 year old virgin?
Monica: Say it louder, I dont think the guy all the way in the back heard you!
Monica: Its not like, I havent any opportunities. I mean, yknow, Im just waiting for the perfect guy. Im seeing this guy Roger, all right? Hes not perfect, but umm, I think maybe I should just get it over with. Yknow, give him my flower.
Monica: Yknow what? You are right?!
Monica: Rachel! Im never gonna think its okay for you to cheat on your husband!
[Scene: The hospital, Ross and Monica are in Phoebes room. Phoebe is in the bathroom and Monica notices smoke coming out from underneath the door.]
Monica: Phoebe, why is smoke coming out of the bathroom?!
Monica: Phoebe! Put that cigarette out!
Monica: Put it out!!
Ross: (To Monica) Yeah, shes fired.
[Scene: The hospital, Chandler and Monica are there with Phoebe as Ross enters.]
Monica: (handing her a cup) Here you go sweetie.
Monica: But, I put some honey in it.
(Phoebe mocks what Monica just said. Ross pulls Chandler aside.)
Monica: Well, you used to like playing the guitar.
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica is pouring wine for her boyfriend, Dr. Roger.]
Monica: I hope youre hungry, were starting with oysters. And yknow what they say about oysters, dont you?
Monica: No! Umm well, some people say that Oysters are an aphrodisiac.
Monica: People! People say it! Come here! (She grabs him and kisses him.)
Monica: And then were gonna have a little Middle Eastern cous-cous. Something we can eat, with our hands.
Monica: No-no-no, no! Its sensual!
Monica: Okay! (They kiss again and his beeper goes off.) Ohhh no!
Monica: I cant promise anything. (She starts to dig in.)
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Chandler and Monica are eating Monicas dinner.]
Monica: Yeah, me too.
Monica: Stop it!! Thats not funny!!
Monica: Im sorry, okay? It justtonight was supposed to be yknow, it was supposed to be a big deal.
Monica: You dont want to know what tonight was.
Monica: Well, tonight waswas going to be my first time.
Chandler: With Roger? (Monica shyly looks away.) Not just with Roger?! (Monica shrugs.) Oh my God!
Monica: All right relax Mr. Ive Had Sex Four Times!
Monica: How many?
Monica: I was just waiting for the perfect guy.
Monica: No. Hes not a horrible guy.
Monica: Chandler, Im gonna die a virgin!
Monica: Oh really? When? Do you wanna do it with me?
Monica: I was kidding.
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, continued from earlier. Monica and Chandler are still discussing the previous question.]
Monica: No! (They both laugh.) Oyster?
Monica: Yeah but see I have nothing to compare it too. So even if youre horrible, how would I know?
Monica: Its harder for me! I have those four other women to compete with!
Monica: Absolutely! It would just be one friend (Points at Chandler) helping out another friend. (Points at herself.)
Monica: Noo!! Okay!!
Monica: Umm, do you have any uhh, moves?
Monica: I have no moves. (He moves in to kiss her and she laughs and backs away.) Okay, whatcha doin there?! (Giggles.) Oh yknow what? Im sorry, this is just too weird.
Monica: What if I turn out the lights? (Runs to shut them off.)
Monica: Chandler?
Monica: Thats the couch.
[Scene: Monicas bedroom, she has just lost her flower to Chandler.]
Monica: I know! Ill tell you something, we are gonna do that again!
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica is making a sandwich as Chandler enters.]
Monica: Hey!
Monica: Hey, check me out, Im a slut!
Monica: Oh I cant. Dr. Roger is coming over again.
Monica: Are you okay?
Monica: Great! Its so amazing! I mean, last time Dr. Roger came over, I was so nervous, but then after being with you Im all like, "Can the doctor see me now?"
Monica: Yknow, I dont have an appointment, but I sure could use a physical. (He laughs halfheartedly) Are you sure youre okay?
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica is blowing out a candle as Chandler enters.]
Monica: Yeah, come on, eat, whatever you want. Dr. Roger got beeped again.
Monica: What?!
Monica: Why would you do that?
Monica: Really?
Monica: Chandler!
(Monica runs over and kisses him.)
Monica: There was just one woman, wasnt there?
Monica: Including me?
MONICA: Yes.
MONICA: Mom, it's OK.
MONICA: That's great.
MONICA: So, are you sorry that I told them?
MONICA: Yes.
MONICA: Oh. Well did you get it? Let me see.
RACHEL: Oh really, OK. [shows Monica her tattoo]
MONICA: What're you gonna do?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Richard are setting the table.]
MONICA: Oh-oh, no no don't worry, I'm gonna wash it.
Monica: Okay, okay, I'm sure that Rachel came home early and picked up Emma. You go look across the hall, and I'll call her cell.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, everyone except Phoebe is there as Rachel enters carrying a magazine.]
(Janice kisses him. Monica comes out for the newspaper.}
MONICA: Art it is.
MONICA: Joey, promise me something.
Chandler: Monica says that her Maitre D. is the funniest guy she's ever met.
CHANDLER: So whaddya got there Monica?
Phoebe: Oh God, I tried everything to make myself feel better. I even tried writing a song about it... but... I can't think of anything that rhymes with AARRGGHH!! (pause) Hey Monica, I really need your help getting through this...
Monica: Because there are so many terrible sights in this world.
MONICA: Shut up.
MONICA: How do you know exactly what she's going through?
[Monica goes in the bathroom]
Monica: Do I go horseback riding in the park? Do I take classes at the New School?
MONICA: Cut it out.
[Scene: Central Perk. Joey is sitting between Monica and Phoebe.]
Monica: Okay, I-I d'know, you-you just- you have a quality.
MONICA: I promise you, he would definitely want you back.
Monica: Get up. Come on. Let's get some coffee.
MONICA: I was.
Monica: I can't belive it, I'm gonna be an aunt. I'm gonna have like a nephew.
MONICA: Did she leave a number?
MONICA: I'm not a baby, you're the baby.
Monica: I swear I didnt know she was a hooker! I mean whDid you let her smoke in here?
Monica: Aww thanks! God Will Im so glad that you came! You look great! You mustve lost like
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica, Rachel, and Ross are there.]
MONICA: My brother, the PhD would like to know if there's any way to treat this orally.
MONICA: Did you like it?
Rachel: Hi! Hey, listen, can we ask you a question? When you and Monica first hooked up, was it weird going from friends to... more than that?
Phoebe: Good. (Phoebe and Mrs. Burkart go into the other room, leaving Monica with everyone staring at her.)
MONICA: I wanna watch Entertainment Tonight.
MONICA: Bite me.
MONICA: It's my TV.
MONICA: Not that, this, US. Oh my God, Ross, you-re, you're, it's jus-, you-, ever sin- you been here.
MONICA: Well, I just caught the live show.
MONICA: Oh that's great, why don't you tell mommy on me.
MONICA: Fun? Fun, you think this is fun?
MONICA: Ross, I hated you when we were kids.
MONICA: Now I love you. And not just 'cause I have to.
Monica: Because we're moving in a couple of days and it just didn't make sense.
MONICA: Yeah, thanks. You know what?
[Scene: Central Perk. Ross, Rachel, and Monica are hanging out.]
MONICA: Sure.
Monica: Joey, did you even interview this woman before you asked her to move in?
[Scene: The Wedding Hall, Monica and Chandler have just said "I do," and the photographer is taking the required pictures. First of Monica, Chandler, Ross and Joey.]
MONICA: So what're you gonna do?
MONICA: Ok, all right. It was an accident, I swear, all right. I was putting on my jacket, and the thing, and the lamp, and it broke.
PHOEBE: Monica.
MONICA: [sings] They won't take you to the vet.
RACHEL, MONICA, ROY, and CHIP: Bye.
MONICA: Joey.
MONICA: We, we just wanna see the end.
Monica: So I did tell you. Okay, y'know, that really isnt the thing. Umm, the thing is that, right now Im just in a place in my life where I need to focus on me. Y'know what I mean?
Monica: (on machine) "Hi, it's Monica. I'm just checking in 'cause I got this message from you and I didn't know if it was old or new or what. So, I'm just checkin'. So let me know, or don't, whatever. I'm breezy."
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's kitchen, Chandler has a jug of milk in his hands and decides to make some warm milk. He opens up the cabinet to get a pot and manages to knock several other pots onto the floor making a lot of noise.]
Monica: No-no, wait! Just let me finish, okay? This isnt something that we just, we just impulsively decided in-in Vegas, this is something we both really want. And it is going to happen.
Monica: Nononononono. Think who you're dealing with here. I mean, I'm not like you. I-I can't even stand in front of a tap class.
Monica: Bedsprings, unmistakable!
[Monica pulls out a bag full of airline bottles of liquor.]
MONICA: Ya know, I was thinking. Ya know how we always stay at your apartment? Well, I thought maybe tonight we'd stay at my place.
MONICA: Shut up, I'm happy.
MONICA: Not a lot, Phoebe's kidding, Phoebe's crazy.
Monica: Not necessarily...
MONICA: [looking at some kind of glass sculpture thing] Wow Joey, this is, uhh...
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica, Richard, Ross, and Rachel are returning.]
Monica: Who's Gladys? (Phoebe shows her a horrific painting with a half-a-body girl dummy coming out of the frame. Monica's frightened and she gasps.) Oh! What a tragic loss!
Monica: How hammered are you? Huh? These, these are Joeys sisters.
[Scene: The movie set. Monica and Rachel are saying goodbye to Jean-Claude]
MONICA: Well yeah.
MONICA: You really ok with it?
MONICA: Oh, yay. Ok about that two.
Monica: Okay Marjorie, hit it.
Ross: Well, I'm gonna go get ready, (Gives Monica the fist thing.) for my date tonight, so ah, I'll just_ head.
MONICA: But you've only slept with two people.
MONICA: Well, it just seems like a really small number.
Phoebe: (To Joey) You ate meat! (Joey is shocked) (To Chandler and Monica) You had sex! (Theyre shocked.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Joey and Rachel are sitting there and Monica walks in.]
MONICA: I know. I just can't find...
RICHARD: Monica.
MONICA: There's only one.
MONICA: You need one too?
MONICA: No.
MONICA: Yeah.
Monica: Because... I'm Monica Geller. It was my credit card you were using.
Monica: Ill take care of it.
MONICA: Dad, I'm the twinkie.
MONICA: Why?
MONICA: Wait, he's not here yet.
MONICA: Alright.
MONICA: Blow drying what, you have no hair.
[Monica enters from her bedroom.]