words in movies
Monica: Oh my God!
Monica: Why did they get divorced?
Monica: And what if I was still fat? (To Chandler) Well, you wouldnt be dating me, thats for sure.
Ross: No, I just think Monica was that fat.
{Transcribers note: This is where the opening credits are, but theyre not the usual opening credits. Oh no! These credits are based on the world that would have been created had all of the above actually happened. It starts out with all of them at the fountain sitting on the couch as Fat Monica runs up and sits on the arm of the couch, tilting the whole thing towards her. It then goes on to show Rachels still a shop-aholic and with Barry. Fat Monica is sweating while cooking and dancing while eating a donut. Phoebe as the Wall Street shark smoking while on two cell phones. Then theyre dancing in the fountain. Joey entering as Dr. Drake Remoray and meeting a groupie. Chandler trying to write as a bird does its business on his shoulder and falling asleep while typing. Ross doing some kara-tay and trying to get Carol into bed. And finally, some more dancing in the fountain, them all flexing, and the turning out the lamp and shutting off all the lights bit from the first season. Just remember one thing, this is an alternate universe. Everything from every other episode doesnt apply, for instance, Ross and Rachel have no history. And in fact have not seen each other in years in this world.}
Rachel: Ohh, of course Monicas brother!
Rachel: Oh, its the best! (They both exhale contemplating the joys of marriage.) So, umm hows Monica?
Ross: Uh-huh. (Steps to a random kid nearby and hands him his money.) Hey, here you go buddy. Sorry, no porn for you. (To Rachel) Okay, lets go see Monica!
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Fat Monica, and her boyfriend are sitting on the couch. Monicas boyfriend is getting up to get something. For future reference, for the rest of this episode Monicas fat, I wont be calling her Fat Monica throughout.]
Joey: So Monica, still going out with Dr. Boring huh?
Monica: Hes not boring! Hes just-hes just low key.
Monica's Boyfriend: (returning) Here we go, one Hazelnut Latte. (Hands it to Monica and sits down.)
Monica: Thanks.
Monica: Oh no! Whats the matter?
Monica: Okay.
Monica: Bye.
Monica: Maybe Joey doesnt have to give you the money, TV stars have assistants right?
Monica: No Joey! Chandler could be your assistant! See, he could answer all of your fan mail and stuff!
Monica: Hey Phoebe! Guess what?
Monica: Joey just hired Chandler to be his assistant!
Monica: Hey!
Monica: (gets up and gasps) Oh my God! Rachel!! (Rachel is stunned to see that her long lost friend is still fat.) (Monica goes over and gives Rachel a big bear hug, which is quite easy for her.) You look terrific!
Monica: You are so sweet to notice! Yes, I lost three and a half pounds!
Monica: Oh my God, sit down! Sit down! How long as it been since weve seen each other?
Monica: Rach, hes a friend of ours.
Monica: (getting up) Joey!
Monica: Ohhh! (Takes the plate.) No! This is my friend Rachel, we went to High School together.
Joey: (turning and whispering to Monica) Shes not crazy is she?
Monica: No.
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe are there. Phoebes cell phone rings and she goes through her little routine of lighting a cigarette before answering the phone.]
Monica: (laughs) You realize what you are dont you?
Monica: Youre his bitch.
Phoebe: (yelling from Monicas room) No-no!! No!!
Monica: (panicked) Oh wait! You didnt just sit on my Kit-Kats did you?!!
Monica: What?!
Monica: Yes!!
Monica: Oh my God!
[Scene: A hospital, Phoebe is recovering from her heart attack as Ross, Monica, and Chandler are there to comfort and support her.]
Monica: Honey, having a heart attack is natures way of telling you to slow it down.
Monica: Lets take a walk. (They start to leave.) Yknow maybe you should consider writing for Talking Out of Your Ass magazine! (They exit.)
[Scene: A hospital hallway, Chandler is sitting on a gurney with his hands spread out behind his back. Then Monica comes and plops down on the gurney and one of his hands. Chandler immediately recoils in extreme pain.]
Monica: Sorry. So hows it going with Joey?
Monica: Yeah! Shes right in there! (Points to Phoebes room.)
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica is eating breakfast as Chandler enters.]
Monica: Oh my God! Thats great! Oh wow! (Hugs him.) Youre a published writer! I wish I had a present for you!
Monica: Wait a minute! (Quickly checks her pockets and pulls out ) My last Kit-Kat bar!
(Chandler tries to take it, but Monica wont let go. He tugs harder, and she still doesnt budge.)
Monica: Okay!!
Joey: (entering) Hey! Hey Chandler look, I know youre mad, but I just want to say Im sorry. I-I was a total jerk. Completely o-over the line. Uh, I just I hate pulp! Yknow? I mean, yknow how Monica feels about low fat mayonnaise?
Monica: Its not mayonnaise!!
Monica: Hey Joey, Chandler sold a story to Archie Comics!
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica is there as Rachel enters.]
Monica: Yeah, a lot. A lot, a lot!
Monica: Well, yknow its none of my business, but arent you married?
Monica: Well, youre not.
Monica: Yeah I can! (Laughs) And dont think I dont, because I do! I mean all the time, you betcha! (Laughs.)
Rachel: Monica. Youve, youve done it right?
Monica: (giggles) Of course I have! What do you think, Im some 30 year old virgin?
Monica: Say it louder, I dont think the guy all the way in the back heard you!
Monica: Its not like, I havent any opportunities. I mean, yknow, Im just waiting for the perfect guy. Im seeing this guy Roger, all right? Hes not perfect, but umm, I think maybe I should just get it over with. Yknow, give him my flower.
Monica: Yknow what? You are right?!
Monica: Rachel! Im never gonna think its okay for you to cheat on your husband!
[Scene: The hospital, Ross and Monica are in Phoebes room. Phoebe is in the bathroom and Monica notices smoke coming out from underneath the door.]
Monica: Phoebe, why is smoke coming out of the bathroom?!
Monica: Phoebe! Put that cigarette out!
Monica: Put it out!!
Ross: (To Monica) Yeah, shes fired.
[Scene: The hospital, Chandler and Monica are there with Phoebe as Ross enters.]
Monica: (handing her a cup) Here you go sweetie.
Monica: But, I put some honey in it.
(Phoebe mocks what Monica just said. Ross pulls Chandler aside.)
Monica: Well, you used to like playing the guitar.
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica is pouring wine for her boyfriend, Dr. Roger.]
Monica: I hope youre hungry, were starting with oysters. And yknow what they say about oysters, dont you?
Monica: No! Umm well, some people say that Oysters are an aphrodisiac.
Monica: People! People say it! Come here! (She grabs him and kisses him.)
Monica: And then were gonna have a little Middle Eastern cous-cous. Something we can eat, with our hands.
Monica: No-no-no, no! Its sensual!
Monica: Okay! (They kiss again and his beeper goes off.) Ohhh no!
Monica: I cant promise anything. (She starts to dig in.)
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Chandler and Monica are eating Monicas dinner.]
Monica: Yeah, me too.
Monica: Stop it!! Thats not funny!!
Monica: Im sorry, okay? It justtonight was supposed to be yknow, it was supposed to be a big deal.
Monica: You dont want to know what tonight was.
Monica: Well, tonight waswas going to be my first time.
Chandler: With Roger? (Monica shyly looks away.) Not just with Roger?! (Monica shrugs.) Oh my God!
Monica: All right relax Mr. Ive Had Sex Four Times!
Monica: How many?
Monica: I was just waiting for the perfect guy.
Monica: No. Hes not a horrible guy.
Monica: Chandler, Im gonna die a virgin!
Monica: Oh really? When? Do you wanna do it with me?
Monica: I was kidding.
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, continued from earlier. Monica and Chandler are still discussing the previous question.]
Monica: No! (They both laugh.) Oyster?
Monica: Yeah but see I have nothing to compare it too. So even if youre horrible, how would I know?
Monica: Its harder for me! I have those four other women to compete with!
Monica: Absolutely! It would just be one friend (Points at Chandler) helping out another friend. (Points at herself.)
Monica: Noo!! Okay!!
Monica: Umm, do you have any uhh, moves?
Monica: I have no moves. (He moves in to kiss her and she laughs and backs away.) Okay, whatcha doin there?! (Giggles.) Oh yknow what? Im sorry, this is just too weird.
Monica: What if I turn out the lights? (Runs to shut them off.)
Monica: Chandler?
Monica: Thats the couch.
[Scene: Monicas bedroom, she has just lost her flower to Chandler.]
Monica: I know! Ill tell you something, we are gonna do that again!
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica is making a sandwich as Chandler enters.]
Monica: Hey!
Monica: Hey, check me out, Im a slut!
Monica: Oh I cant. Dr. Roger is coming over again.
Monica: Are you okay?
Monica: Great! Its so amazing! I mean, last time Dr. Roger came over, I was so nervous, but then after being with you Im all like, "Can the doctor see me now?"
Monica: Yknow, I dont have an appointment, but I sure could use a physical. (He laughs halfheartedly) Are you sure youre okay?
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica is blowing out a candle as Chandler enters.]
Monica: Yeah, come on, eat, whatever you want. Dr. Roger got beeped again.
Monica: What?!
Monica: Why would you do that?
Monica: Really?
Monica: Chandler!
(Monica runs over and kisses him.)
Monica: There was just one woman, wasnt there?
Monica: Including me?
Monica: It's worse. The only thing that's getting me through is knowing that I'm gonna be seeing you soon. I think I may even try to get out of here early.
Monica: What we did was wrong. Oh god, I just had sex with somebody that wasn't alive during the Bicentennial.
Monica: -leg?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the gang, except Joey, is there. Phoebe is, well you y'know.]
Monica: Well, now she has no eyebrows, mission accomplished.
(Monica closes the door and slowly walks into Rachel’s old and now empty room.)
Monica: Hey guys check it out! My mom sent me the paper!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the girls are still out on the balcony.]
Monica: Oh my God, I went to high school with her. (to Rachel) Rachel! Hi!
Monica: I cant do it! (Ross falls into Monicas room)
Monica: I will! But not tonight. For dinner music, I thought we could listen to that tape you made me.
Monica: Come on, okay, come on this is for all womankind. Lets kill um!
Monica: Amen.
Chandler: (glaring at her) Well, Monica and Chandler cant go. Were going to dinner remember?!
[Time lapse. Chandler and Joey are making the fire, Monica and Phoebe are inside. Ross enters, carrying luggage.]
MONICA: How can I not do it? I have $127 in the bank.
Monica: (answers the phone) Hello? (Listens.) (To Phoebe) It's Joey. (Phoebe's proud of herself.) (To Joey) I'm so glad you called! Chandler told me what happened. Y'know he's really upset about it.
Monica and Phoebe: Hugh! Hugh Grant!
Monica: Come on! (The girls all run out and Joey holds up Chandler by smiling.)
[Scene: Central Perk, the next day Rachel, Phoebe, and Chandler are there as Monica enters.]
Monica: (laughing) Oh, dont you guys look cute. You guys make such a cute couple.
Parker: No, no, no wait! Dont tell me. Let me guess. (Points as he says their names) Joey, Monica, Ross, Rachel and, Im sorry Phoebe didnt mention you. (Chandler makes a face) Chandler, Im kidding all ready youre my favorite!
Monica: Umm, okay. If its a boy its Daniel.
Rachel: Ohh... (Ross mouths HA-HA at Monica and takes two cookies and she looks at him angrily)
Rachel: (To Monica) Im okay! Im okay! (She knocks on Mr. Heckles's window.) Mr. Heckles, Mr. Heckles could you help me please?
Monica: Oh, so there is gonna be a fifth date?
MONICA: Ok, it is definitely less than a ballpark.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler and Monica are standing in the kitchen.]
[Scene: Central Perk. The entire gang is there, and Chandler and Monica are handing out presents.]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is there as enter except Joey enter.]
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is holding a book as she, Rachel, and Monica drink some tea as Chandler looks on.]
Chandler: (entering) Hey Monica, here's your broom back.
Chandler: Look, Monica has been working hard all day, she didn't wanna host this thing in the first place, we shouldn't go!
Monica: (to all) Okay, please be good, please. Just remember how much you all like me.
Monica: Right, you only go for them 5 minutes before they get married.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Phoebe, Joey, Chandler, and Monica are returning from Central Perk.]
Monica: Ugh, yknow, umm we gotta get up early and catch that plane for New York.
Monica: It's so weird, how did Joey end up kissing Charlie last night? I thought you'd end up kissing Charlie.
PHOEBE: Ok. Listen, just don't say anything about me, ok. [goes over and grabs the phone that's sitting by Monica]
Monica: You know what would be real weird? Is if you werent there. Just say youll think about it, okay?
Ross: Hi. Im uh, Im Ross. I dont, I dont believe weve met. Im Monicas older brother.
Monica: Now you think I wouldn't enjoy that, because it is so fake, (Laughs) but I still do.
Monica: We're just making conversation. (Chandler makes an agreeing-sound)
MONICA: So uh, Joey and Chanlder, I, I think it's time that you take Dr. Greene over to your place.
Monica: Oh good God! If you want a baby so bad just go steal it!
(Janice turns around, Monica sees who it is.)
Monica: So umm, how was your date with Ginger?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, time lapse. Rachel is entering the living room from her bedroom as Monica enters.]
[Scene: The beach house, the next morning. Chandler and Monica are in the kitchen eating breakfast.]
Monica: (on phone) Hello? (Listens) Hold on please. Joey, its your mom. (Hands him the phone.)
Monica: Yeah, apparently theyre turning it into some kinda coffee place.
Monica: Ross, Rachel promised it would be over by now. We seriously have to go, if we want to get to Vermont. I called them and the last train leaves in a half hour.
Monica: Umhmm, umhmm, about the time you told me about New Year's Eve. Where is everybody else?
Monica:: what means if he gets like a disease or kills someone. not if he gets his jollys to jaws!
Rachel: Yeah, Rachel. And this (points to Monica) is Ross' sister, Monica. We met at Thanksgiving. (looks around the room as if searching for something more interesting to do).
Rachel: Monica, what is so amazing? I gave up, like, everything. And for what?
Ross: (to Monica) So, uh, Jules tells me you guys are going shopping tomorrow?
Phoebe: I know, Im sorry! But yknow, this ring is better! Monica never even saw the other ring.
Monica: It's gonna be a problem, isn't it?
Monica: (Reads) Yeah, I'd say so. And there's no 'j' in 'engorged'.
CHANDLER: I'm sorry. �That's the one thing I can't do.� I promised I'd be with Monica.
[Scene: Central Perk, the same scene is continued from before the break. With Joey, Monica, Rachel, and Chandler sitting on the couch.]
Monica: Phoebe and Gary are so gonna hear about this at dinner.
[Scene: Phoebe's apartment: Phoebe, Monica and Mike sitting on the couch]
Monica: No! Rachel, you didn't find anyone so you can't tell him.
[Time lapse. Now everyone but Ross and Phoebe is back at Monica and Rachel's.]
Monica: You-you gotta take it now. Come on, do it as a present to me.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the gang is all there.]
Monica: I cant be fair. Youre my boyfriend.
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler is finished telling everyone what happened.]
Monica: Well, an-anyway, I justthat night meant a lot to me, I guess Im just trying to say thanks.
Monica: (That annoying competitiveness thing kicks in again, what the heck is that with her and why must the writers show it every flippin' episode?!) Oh, we're not seeing a movie!
(they fight a little, the phone falls and Monica picks it up)
[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there except for Chandler. Rachel is writing something and Monica walks up.]
Monica: It's gonna be weird to watch some actor pretending to be Ben's dad.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, morning. Someone knocks on the door and Monica gets it.]
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, everyone is reading Joeys interview.]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross and the gang is watching Sumo wrestling on TV.]
Monica: Can you believe it? ...Y'know what? I just don't feel the thing. I mean, they feel the thing, I don't feel the thing.
Rachel: Oh, ok, thank you. (Molly leaves) (to Monica) Do you see what all the guys see in her?
(Monica opens it anyways.)
[Scene: The Hallway, Chandler and Monica are returning from their honeymoon.]
[Scene: the hotel game room. Monica and Mike are still playing ping pong]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Phoebe are telling everyone about their coma guy.]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and Joey's, theyre both unpacked. The big ceramic dog has found a new home in front of the window. Joey screams and runs into the living room.]
Monica: Well, the giraffes okay. And so is the pirate.
(They hear Monica trying to unlock the door. So Phoebe quickly pushes his head down onto the table to make it look like the turkey is just sitting on a platter and not stuck on Joey's head.)
Ross: (to Rachel) Look both, Joey and Monica feel the same way that I do. No-no-no-no.
Monica: Yeah! Oh hes great, I love him. (Walks away and Chandler glares at Phoebe.)
Monica: Oh, please, that is such a lame excuse!
Monica: I wont care, because I know you will be feeling it all in here. (Points to her heart.)
Monica: No youre fine. (Joey checks anyway.) All right well, do you think I could take Rachel?
Joey: Ooh, look-look-look-look-look! I got Monica naked!
Monica: Hello? (Listens) Oh, hi Ross! (To Rachel) See? Other people call me!
Monica: Hello, people who do not live here.
Monica: (looking at Rachels jeans) Where did you get those jeans?!
Monica: I warned you...
Monica: Sure, we have no money, go ahead.
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is on the couch as Monica enters.]
Chandler: Yeah, I think that's wrong, but there's a Connect the Dots in here for you later. (To Monica) Hey, how about maroon?