words in movies
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross and a beautiful blonde (Cheryl) are standing outside. The rest of the gang is watching from inside.]
Chandler: Where did you, when did you, how did you... (Joey hits the back of Chandler's head) How did you get a girl like that?
Chandler: Actually, this is for Kathy's birthday. It's an early edition of her favorite book.
Chandler: Oh, it wasn't a big deal. I just went to a couple of bookstores, talked to a couple of dealers... called a couple of the author's grandchildren.
Kathy: Ahahaha... haha.. yes I can, of course. Excuse me.
Joey: We've only been going out for a couple of weeks, do you think I gotta get her something?
Rachel: And not one of your coupons for an hour of "Joey Love."
[They go into the apartment. Inside the apartment it looks like a sewage dump exploded and landed in her living room. There are clothes and food and junk covering every square inch of space. I mean pigs have nicer pens. Ross is completely shocked.]
Ross: Well, I do! Why don't we go back to my place, light a couple of candles, break open a box of Cinnamon Fruit Toasties, uh...
[cut to the living room of the same dwelling, where the funeral guests are mingling. Monica enters.]
Monica: Um, and, well there's the.. the the small matter of...
Monica: Just the matter of ...payment?
Rachel: And you know which one we should see? The 1996 Tony award winner. Do you happen to know the name of that one?
Chandler: Because she's not eleven! And it's not the seventh night of Hanukkah!
Phoebe: Pay the caterer! Look, I've had a lot of jobs, okay, and there are some people who just always try to get out of paying. It's either, you know, "that massage wasn't long enough, or, "I don't recognize any of those songs," or, you know, "these sombreros aren't big enough. Bad little white girl!"
Mrs. Burkart: (singing) ...emblem of the land I love. The home of....
Ross: You know how you throw your jacket on a chair at the end of the day?
Ross: Well, like that, only instead of a chair, it's a pile of garbage. And instead of a jacket, it's a pile of garbage. And instead of the end of the day, it's the end of time, and garbage is all that has survived! (Ross takes the loosely tied tie off and hands it to Joey who puts it on.) Here.
Ross: What do you mean? Nothing happened! I had to get out of there.
Joey: What kind of smell?
Chandler: Oh, yeah. Yeah, I found this great place called "Invisible things for Kathy." (Motions to an imaginary pile of presents next to him.) Can you give me a hand with all this stuff?
Chandler: No, it's a book that's just a book, okay? It's an early edition of the Velveteen Rabbit. It was her favorite book as a kid. So, uh, just... let me know if she likes it, okay?
Mrs. Burkart: (Singing) ...the lullabye of...
Monica: I'm gonna leave some cards here. Please think of us for you next event.
Ross: Department of Sanitation?
[They sit up, moaning in excitement, and Cheryl straddles Ross. Ross finds a slice of bologna and moans higher and louder, then a bag of potato chips on the coffee table starts to move. Ross throws Cheryl off his lap, grabs a tennis racket and a toilet brush and starts pounding the bag.]
[From the background we hear a crash and Gunther comes running out of the back room, pushing people aside, reaching for Rachel.]
[Gunther slips and falls just before reaching the back of the couch. Monica and Phoebe come into Central Perk.]
Monica: I can cook and you can take care of the money.
Joey: Hey, listen, I gotta tell ya, I feel kinda bad taking credit for this, because man, am I gonna get a lot of credit for this!
Rachel: Mon... Okay... I've gotta... just say what it is I'm gonna say... None of the amazing things that have happened to me in the last ten years, would have happened if it wasn't for you. No-one has been more like a sister to me...
Phoebe: Okay fine! Fine! Well just have to think of some other way to put the whole Who came onto who, thing to rest! Come on now, think!!
Monica: So! So we've got to go upstairs and have a lot of sex to prove them wrong!
Jill: So who made her queen of the world?
Joey: Hey! (Monica turns and looks at him) Now Im a man of the cloth, but I still have feelings!
Monica: Oh, by the way, you are more than welcome to look under any of the furniture, because, believe me, you won't find any porn or cigarettes under there!
Monica: Well, of course I do. What's not to like! I'll take her in a minute! But, you know, I think that you're giving up too easy, honey. I think that you need to fight for her!
Carol: Look, I-I-I am sorry that Rachel dumped you cause she fell in love with that Mark guy, and you are the innocent victim in all of this, but dont punish your friends for what Rachel did to you.
Phoebe: Well, of course it smells really bad. You have your head inside a turkey's ass!
Paul: Ooh, steer clear of you.
[Scene: Chandler arrives home and Monica's got a video of Sharks ready for Chandler.]
MONICA: No, a doctor of meat. Of course he's a real doctor. And he's handsome, and he's sweet, and know you'd like him. [she puts her arm around Richard]
Dr. Biely: Primarily in the Pierre Shale region of South Dakota.
(Phoebe then gets possessed 'cause she starts speaking in tongues. She speaks Italian to Joey's grandmother. She is quickly exorcised and returns to speaking in English. Of course, too most people English is a strange language as well. But none of them are probably reading this and if they were they wouldn't understand it. So why am I talking about them? I have absolutely no clue. Moving on )
Joey: All rightoh! Listen, I know this is your party, but Id really like to the number of museum geeks that are gonna be there.
[Cut to Rachel staring out of her window.]
Janice: What, you can do it in the parking lot of a Taco Bell, but you can't do it at a doctor's office?
Rachel: I believe you. So, it was right in the middle of a staff meeting so of course no one else wants to correct her so everyone else is calling me Raquel! By the end of the day, the mailroom guys were calling me Rocky!
Roy: Ok, ok, ladies! Can I have your attention, please? (pause) Did someone call for the long arm of the law? (He extends his arm from around his crotch and then upward and outward, towards Phoebe) I should warn you, I have a concealed weapon! (Puts his hands over his crotch) I hope you're familiar with the States penal code, ok, ok, enough teasing. Now for some pleasing!
Mr. Posner: Yes, thats very good. Now a uh, big part of this job is cultivating personal relationships, especially with designers.
Rachel: What? Maybe I put it in here (she opens her bag). Oh, oh, it's not in there! Oh, no! I must have packed it in one of these boxes!
Rachel: I'm gonna go get one of those (Thinks) job things.
Chandler: Ah. Your own brand of vigilante justice.
Gavin: Right. Right. Ross. So what's the deal with you guys? I don't want to get in the middle of anything
All: Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut... (She cuts one of them and they cheer.)
Kate: Of course I do.
Monica: Rach, hes a friend of ours.
Mrs. Bing: Oh, Ross, listen to me. I have sold a hundred million copies of my books, and y'know why?
Monica: Hey. Oh good-good youre here! All right, I figured it out. Im gonna take two tables of eight, Im gonna add your parents, and Im gonna turn them into three tables of six. Okay? And I called the caterer; I added two extra meals, we are good to go!
[Scene: The desert outside of Las Vegas, Joey is arriving and we hear the song, Name. Y'know, (singing) I've been through the desert on a horse with no name! It felt good to be out of the rain. In the desert, you can't remember your name, 'cause there ain't no one for to give you no pain. La la la-la-la, la, la, la, la-la-la. You get the idea. Anyhoo, he pulls up and stops. As he gets out of the car, he spills a huge pill of fast food containers out of the foot well.]
Chandler: No, no, Ross and Rachel will be back soon and then I gotta go to the office (Pulls another balloon out of his mouth) Am I producing them?
Ross: Rain? Hi. Hi, my name is Rain. I have my own kiln, and my dress is made out of wheat.
Rachel: Here we go. Im serving my last cup of coffee. (the gang starts humming the graduation theme) There you go. (hands it to Chandler) Enjoy. (they all cheer)
The Man: (To Ross) Excuse me. (He puts up a flyer that has a sketch drawing of Joey and it reads, "Warning! Intruder! If you see this creep - call the cops!") You should check this out, tell the other tenants. Apparently he's running around looking for some kind of a hot girl.
Fake Monica: There's an open call for Cats. I'm thinking we go down there, sing Memories and make complete fools of ourselves. Whaddya say?
Ross: Oh, hey y'know, they-they really overcharge you for that stuff. (Rachel glares at him.) But who cares?! Because it's all on me! (Rachel reaches into the fridge and pulls out two handfuls of those mini booze bottles.) (Watching her.) That is, one big drink!
MNCA: Now, in some of these recipes, the quantities may seem just a little unusual, uh, like these coconut mockolate holiday nut bars. I've indicated four cups of coconut, and four cups of crushed nut, and only, uh, one tablespoon of mockolate.
Chandler: I dont know. (He picks the chick up and turns it over, trying to determine the sex of the chick, and blows on it.) I cant tell, what ever it was went back in too quickly.
Chandler: Okay, I've been doing a lot of thinking about us, y'know a lot of uhh, us thinking. And uh, well I guess there's only one-one way to do this. (He slowly and awkwardly gets down on one knee.)
Chandler: Maybe its the sound of Ross climbing into my brain and stealing my thoughts.
Doug: We're, we're just gonna get a little sip of water.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment, everyone is watching the tape of the sonogram. Rachel is on the phone.]
Rachel: No we werent! It was nothing! It was one night, senior year we went to a party, had a lot of sangria and yknow, ended up kissing for a bit.
[Scene: the Pharmacist convention. Joey and Rachel are walking out of it, drinking cocktails]
Phoebe: Okay, I'm gonna go too. I'm gonna go to the airport. I figure if I hang around there long enough, someone's bound to leave one of those planes unattended.
Ross: Take thee, Rachel...(All his friends have looks of shock on their faces. He realizes what he said. Quickly he says.) Emily. (A slight chuckle.) Emily.
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is reading on the couch while Joey, still suffering from his hernia, is returning with coffee for them both. After a series of grunts and groans he manages to painfully walk back from the counter, sit down, and slide Chandler his coffee.]
Katie: No, you make them funny. You're the funny one! (She punches him again and he retreats to the arm of the couch.)
Ross: Seriously that's a lot of cups.
Joey: Kinda have a... a thing for the Days Of Our Life's people.
Monica: Also both of your sisters called and neither can make it.
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Ross are sitting at one of the high tables.]
Erica: (to Chandler) Being a doctor must take up a lot of time.
Phoebe: Damn it woman, pull yourself together! Have some pride, for the love of God.
Rachel: (on tape) (Ross hands her a glass of wine) I cannot believe that I did this. Especially after Monica just went on and on and on about it! (Mimicking Monica) "Okay Rachel! Here are the invitations Rachel! Now be very careful Rachel! Please, drinking no liquids around the invitations Rachel!" (She tilts her wine glass above and moves it back and forth across the invitations) Whoa oh! Oh-oh-oh! Oh oh-oh-oh
Chandler: Well, if were gonna do that we should come up with some kind of order. Yknow alphabetically or by genre?
Phoebe: Well, shes out of town so, theres gotta be something in her house that tells me where my Father is.
Joey: Instead of...?
Rachel: Okay. Well thats pretty much all that we haveOh! Oh! Have you ever had a virgin margarita? (Holds up a bottle of margarita mix.)
[Scene: Class of '91 reunion. Ross and Chandler enter.]
Chandler: Out of curiosity, what is your secret ingredient?
PHOEBE: Ok, this is a typical lightning-bearer thing. Right there, it's like, um, 'Hello, who wants one of my fallic shaped man cakes?'
(Chandler is putting on the Chap Stick the same way that women put on lipstick, including the bit with the piece of tissue.)
Ross: Yeah, well my-my ex-wife and I share custody of Ben and umm, uh, and just so you know, Carol and I are on excellent terms as Im sure you are with your wife! (Realizes) Oh, Im sorry! (To Elizabeth) Its unbelievable!
Joey: (looking in the Yellow Pages) Look, maybe I need to try a real teacher! Right here! Here! Andy Cooper, he teaches guitar and look ooh, there's a nice picture of him with a little kid and THE KID'S GOT A GUITAR!!!!!! (Storms out.)
MR. GELLER: Tell you what, maybe one of these weekends you can borrow the car and I cou. . .
(Joey walks out, while Rachel is pensive. Once he's out of her room, he suddenly realizes who she was talking about and goes back in. He looks at her in disbelief and she looks like she was caught red-handed)
Monica: You just stay here! (Dumps a jar of bath salts in the bathtub)
MONICA: Alright, I'll tell you what. I'll come get you in 5 minutes with some sort of um, kabob emergency.
Joey: Oh, ehm...I'm...I'm rehearsing my lines.They gave me a big romantic story on Days Of Our Lives. It's the first time my character's got one. I'm so nervous, you know, I really want it to be good!
Agency guy: (to Erica) Well, then if there’s nothing else, then the two of us should talk.
Monica: Michelle! Of course, it was Michelle! Did it sound like Michelle?
Monica: All right, listen youre just being silly. Rachel, even with that rumor you were one of the most popular girls in school and everyone wanted to be like you. One girl wanted to be like you so much she stuffed her pants with a Tootsie Roll!
[Another group of flashbacks begin with Episode 513: The One With Joeys Bag. Joey is carrying the bag and has entered Central Perk to the amusement of Ross and Chandler.]
Monica: Um, well, I was going to, I-I-I really was. But um, then somewhere, just out of nowhere, I didnt.
Joey: (drinking a beer) Look at this clown! Just because hes got a bigger boat he thinks he can take up the whole river. (Yelling) Get out of the way jackass! (To Rachel) Who names his boat Coast Guard anyway?
Monica: (walking around with her headset still on) OK LET'S GET THESE CHAIRS OUT HERE! Gunther, hit the Christmas lights. (He does so and the lights above the chairs light up. Monica looks satisfied) Okay, who left the ice sculpture (picks up a piece of ice from the ground) ON THE STEAM GRATE? (nobody answers)
Chandler: No, no, the actual cartoon character. Of course the balloon. It's all over the news. Right before he reached Macy's, he broke free and was spotted flying over Washington Square Park. I'm goin' to the roof, who's with me?
Janice: By the way, Chandler. I cut you out of all my pictures. So if you want, I have a bag with just your heads.
Chandler: Well, it throws my WENUS out of whack.
Ross: Okay, it was just me and her at the back of the train, and I sat near the door, so shed have to pass by me if she wanted to switch cars. She was totally at my mercy.
Phoebe: Does anyone want the rest of this Pop-Tart?
Monica: What are you talking about? She just invited him to the biggest party of the millennium!
TRANSIT AUTHORITY GUY: He's here. (Chandler and Joey hug each other in relief) I'm assuming one of you is the father.
Chandler: (thinking it over) Well, I did put a lot of thought in the tape. (They both run into the bedroom.)
Phoebe: Well, just buy the damn boat! (Shes still working her way through her tray of booze.)
Joey: No, no, no more! I cannot lose another dime! Im serious this time! In-in fact, look, theres aI wanna give you something. And let me give it too you know before I pawn it for Cups money. (He rolls the big white dog over) Now, I want you to have the big white dog as a kinda of a, yknow, thank you for being such a great roommate.
Monica: (leaping off of the couch and runs up) Wait! Did you say 'G.Stephanopoulos?'
Ross: Did you get Monica's authorization to move all of her stuff?
Angela: What four of us?
Phoebe: Oh, this is so intense. One side of my butt is totally asleep, and the other side has no idea.
Joey: All right. Let's get the contestants out of their isolation booths. (He removes the waste bucket that's over the duck and the laundry basket that's over the chicken.) And they're off! (He puts his foot in front of the chick, stopping it from moving.)
Monica: (on machine) "Hi, uh, Richard it's Monica, um, listen I did something kind of crazy tonight, um, maybe I'm getting my period or something, I don't know." Nooo!!
Phoebe: This is nice. We never do anything just the two of us.
Mike: Done it. (Phoebe becomes a little more subdued) I'll be back in a couple of hours.
Phoebe: Okay. Then, take the tiara back and let me hold the musket again. (He hands it to her and Phoebe poses in front of one of those small mirrors.) Somethings missing. Its not Okay oh, let me see the ring my friend picked out.
(Rachel throws some of hers down.)
Rachel: Seriously Pheebs, it's not gonna be that kind of a party.
(Joey starts to eat the rest of the lasagne and everyone turns and stares at him.)
Ross: (To Katie) Yeah, Im just gonna grab my coat. And uh, and my whip. (Katie looks worried.) Yknow because of the Indiana Jones? (Katie laughs) Not-not because Im-Im into S&M. (Katies worried again.) Im not-Im not into anything weird. Yknow? Just-just normal sex. (Katie is uncomfortable.) So, Im gonna grab my coat. (Does so, leaving Katie and Rachel alone.)